This is NOT a Post About the Joys of 2012

I am sorry I am not posting something cheerful to kick off our new year. 

The boys had to go to a visit.  I had to drop them off.  They screamed and begged me to stop the car and to turn it around.  I, of course, took them anyway.

When we got there bio-mom and bio grandma got into my vehicle to get the kids out.  I was uncomfortable with that.  It felt like a tread on what was mine.  Somehow I should not have allowed them in the vehicle.  Bio Grandma snapped at Tyke to stop screaming.  She told him he wasn't allowed to act like that.

Tyke told me after the visit that Bio G grabbed him by the arm on the way in.  He claims somehow she hit him in the mouth while they were walking.  Tyke said, "Nana say if I don't stop screaming she's gonna punch me again."  He let me know he stopped screaming.  Of course I reported the incident.  The visit supervisor also told me that another person in the office reported witnessing Grandma being threatening in her actions with Tyke.  Great!  You know what they are going to do about this?  Nothing.


Later in the day Tyke was playing with a toy and he came and jabbed it into me hard.  I stopped him and asked why he would do that.  He said, "S____ did it first!"  He was sobbing.  I was confused and trying to figure out what he meant.  He told me Mommy S jabbed him with a toy at the visit today.  He added, "YOU didn't get me!  YOU didn't keep me safe!"

I felt like crying right then and there.  He thought I could keep him safe.  I can't protect him and he is seeing that now.  They are getting better at hiding what they are doing to the boys.  The boys are just little enough and confused enough that no one has to believe what they are saying.  No one has to do anything about it because it can't be proven.  
 
I reported what was said, but what do I expect them to do?  Nothing.

I'm sorry.  I wish I was writing about the joys of the end of 2012.  That's not what's on my mind tonight...

I Need(ed) a Drink

A bottle of wine.  That is how I dealt with today or shall I say "recovered."  I enjoyed a couple of glasses from a delicious bottle of wine. 

I read my Child and Adolescent Development textbook from college.  The good news?  My kids are right on track.  The bad news?  I am not coping very well right now.

My 8 year old plays too rough, my 6 year old is too emotional, my 3 year old tests too many limits, my 2 year old cries too often, and my 1 year old has too much separation anxiety.  Thank you, thank you Child and Adolescent Development textbook for telling me that these are the things that I should expect at these ages.   I looked all over the table of contents for how to skip a stage.  Strangely, that chapter wasn't included.

I have decided that childhood is just a series of personality disorders that we help our children get through.  Well... I may end up in my own padded room before I get all 5 of them functioning well.

Oh yeah, I am saying freakin' way too much.  Whenever freakin' starts coming out it is a good measure of my stress level.  The other day I was rubbing my head and Tot walks up and says, "You K Mom?  You godda fweakin' headache Mom?  You godda fweakin' headache?" That was both sad and funny coming from a 2 year old. I did not realize I had referred to my headache as a freakin' headache, but I am sure Tot parroted me correctly.  I have to watch myself on that word.

Happy Holidays?

The happy pill has been taken and since analyzing the situation yesterday, I have been doing a better job of remembering that growing kids up is a marathon, not a sprint.  I am taking it one joy or trial at a time.  At least today I am remembering these things. 
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The holiday traveling did go pretty well.  Tot had some issues but he seriously was not feeling well. I watched as all the family handed gifts to all of my children and at one point I teared up.  Seeing them loved on by those who did not sign up for this journey blesses me immensely.

Tyke did begin to have a lot of issues regarding food.  Everywhere we went there was a ton of food just laying out.  Since the boys' arrival I have taken to filling plates at the counter with maybe just slightly more than what they need, so I know they have plenty.  They just do not do well with too much food available.  Eating and snacking buffet style was a trigger for Tyke.  He kept asking for food.  We tried to comply as often as was safe, because it was a special occasion, but Tyke got worse and worse.   He would eat whatever item he was given as quickly as possible and say he needed more.  He only wanted to stay in the kitchens and every other part of the celebrations was unimportant to him.  His tummy gets rock hard when he is full.  I noticed that happening more than once as loving family members gave him what he wanted.  At one point he puked.   I finally had to get really strict about food.  No one was allowed to give him anything except Ryan or myself and begging for food once he was told no landed him in timeout. 

When we decided to adopt we never imagined these types of things.  You imagine bringing a child home and giving them everything they are so desperately missing in their lives.  You don't imagine having to restrict food.  You don't imagine them tackling one another to steal gifts.  Having to be the Christmas Ogre is no fun for anyone, but its a training thing. 

I have decided that we are going to practice opening presents appropriately.  I am going to get things from their room and wrap them up.  I am going to teach them to be excited and thankful.  My girlfriend did that this year with the 3 she has adopted.  She said it felt strange telling them to say thank you in a happy voice, but she had to remember that they hadn't ever had the chance to learn by seeing.
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Bio-Mom got the boys gifts.  She bought everything 2 - 3 sizes too large and the Baby could not even wear his outfit at all.  They put Baby's clothes on Tot whom it was too big for as well.  She asked for their sizes through the visit supervisor and I sent them.  I am not sure what the majorly oversized thing was about.  I can see her maybe purchasing one size up if she likes the baggy look or if she just wants them to be able to wear the items for a long time, but 3 sizes too big?

We have only had one visit this week so far.  She wanted to schedule another today, but the weather is not permitting visitation.  We are aiming for Saturday instead.  I am going to try and push that the 2 visits a week become very, very, spread out.  I want the boys to have a chance to recover while all this insanity continues. 

Processing the Holiday Grumpies

I have been dealing with a minor stomach bug for the past few days.  It hasn't been terrible, but enough to make me tired and enough to make me not want to take my Sam E or "happy pills" as I call them.  You take them on an empty stomach and I didn't want to do anything that might make my stomach unhappy.  I also missed a several days over the past 2 weeks due to traveling and varied schedules with Ryan on vacation.  So I would say in the past 2 weeks I forgot to take my vitamin more often than not.

Yesterday, I began to feel the old me.  I knew I should feel happy and find the good in such a wonderful day, but it was a struggle. My stomach bug ruined our Christmas plans so that did not help.   Everything felt hard... too hard, and I had trouble finding the joy.  I buried it as best I could for my family and put on the best attitude I could manage, but between you and I... I was faking it.

Today, I am dealing with the fatigue again (I know that a portion of this is coming from the stomach bug) and I am just plain grumpy.  Remember how I wrote that I can be completely fine and competent, but within a short time everyone's needs pile up and overwhelm me?  Yeah, it has been like that.

A couple of major triggers for me when I am in this place are, constant whining instead of asking appropriately for what you need, and loud crying as a result of anger.  So when you have and 8, 6, 3, 2, and 1 year old you get these things... A LOT.  Let me go ahead and highlight and put in bold the 2 year old and 1 year old.

Today I had a couple of  parenting moments where I realized I had sunk to toddler behavior myself.  I know this me, and I don't want her back.  I have got to stay on the vitamins.  I also need to stay healthy somehow.  Maybe there is some vitamin I can add to keep myself from getting sick?  The little ones have their hands all over everything and in their mouths no matter how often we try and stop that behavior.  I have been catching nearly everything they get.  

I like blogging because it helps me think through things.  After reading what I wrote I realized something else.  My littlest boys are having behavior issues.  Are they responding to the craziness of Christmas?  I forget that all the Christmas fun is sometimes hard on kids.  Especially children who have been fighting their own illness and children who are learning to fit in an entirely brand new family.  It was hard on me just because of fighting illness and meeting all the expectations of Christmas.  

I need to get us back into pre-holiday form, but I have to remember that God wants me to be like water.  Not dynamite.  I can't blast away the biggest issues.  I have to work them away slowly and purposefully... like water.

     

Christmas One Year Later

I was looking at my post from December 22 of last year.  I recall how my heart yearned that Christmas for the missing family members.  I would sit in my rocking chair and stare out the window at the pond filled with heartsick yearnings.  I felt so frustrated with myself because I had a very hard time being present and in the moment that Christmas.  I so wanted my missing children to come home, wherever they were.  I was begging God with every other breath to bring my family home.  Little did I know there was a newborn, a one year old, and a 2 year old out there who were about to rock my world.

This year, 3 wonderful boys are here.  I love them so much.  With termination being filed there is a big part of me that is starting to see them as my forever babes.  Ryan and I talk about how to honor their names and still give them the protection they need.  We talk about the upcoming school years and careers and families that will come years and years from now.  We talk about the precious boys and the ways we are being knit together.  We are connected to one another in a very deep and maybe dangerous way.  Dangerous only in the amount of devastation that would take place for all of us if the ripping apart happened now.

They had a visit today. Even though I want visits to end I wanted her to have this visit.  I wanted her to have a final Christmas with them.  I took the boys to the car myself.  I wouldn't let the visit supervisor help.  I hushed their tears, and kissed their faces, and I made promises.  I should not have made promises I had no way of knowing if I could even keep.  I just needed them to be okay today and I knew we all needed to survive this visit.

They cried and begged to stay, but there was no violence.  It was me and them and they don't want to hurt me.  I was nervous.  Parenting the Connected Child, talks about building a trust bank account with your kids.  There are moments where we need them to trust us even though something is going to be uncomfortable.  We don't draw from that account too often or it would damage the healing, but today I drew from that place and that is why I was nervous.

The visit supervisor commented on how amazed she was that the leaving was so easy.  When she came back she told me the visit went okay.  She said that the boys did well responding to candy rewards for good behavior.  I told her about the trust account.  The visit supervisor needed to understand that I will not continue to coerce them even in a loving and gentle way, so I made this clear to her.  Also, I told her today was special because tomorrow is Christmas and I didn't want to see her get beat up on Christmas Eve.  Well.. It's true!

As I put the boys down at naptime they both talked about the visit.  When Tot even heard it discussed he said with a cry in his voice, "I'm not gonna go."  Tyke said, "Dat's scary Mommy.  I don't wanna visit."  We shared hugs and kisses all around.  I told Tyke visits are up to the judge.  I don't know if he thinks the judge is God or if he just did it from inspiration, but he bowed his head and prayed, "I don't wanna go anymore visits God.  Okay?  I don't wanna go anymore.  Amen."  He looked up at me, 'I telled God Mommy."

My Christmas wish this year from the depths of my soul is that God would honor Tyke's prayer and my own.  I pray that I will get to be their Forever Mama.

Visitation To Go To Court

This house is still full of sick kiddos.  I am still getting to clean up puke. I can finally say for sure that Tyke has come out of it.  Baby seems to be nearly out of it.  Tot, Cy are the worst off.  I can't figure out if Liv is only getting a light version of the illness or if she is just getting started.  I hope she just got lucky.

Yesterday the caseworker called me and announced that she was going to come to my house in 2 hours. The house was a wreck so I wasn't thrilled with the short notice.  I rushed around fighting my own sick feelings and got the house straightened up.  In true caseworker fashion, she was an hour late.

When she arrived she got a glimpse of the boys and then announced laughingly that she'd seen them and she could go now.   Then she said, "So there's a visitation court date soon?"  It was news to me and I told her so.  I did not know things had successfully made it to that step.  Caseworker said she wasn't sure of the exact date, but it seemed like it was in a couple weeks.

We talked about visitation for a little bit.  She still maintained that she wanted a good reason why visits suddenly weren't working.  I reminded her that the boys have been protesting visits for a very long time.  It wasn't until November 14th that the aggression and screaming started, but the boys have been asking not to leave for a long time.  She said, "I guess the reason doesn't really matter.  If they are done, they are done.  It doesn't matter anyway since we are terminating."  She treated actual termination as if it were a forgone conclusion.  We will see.  I have trust issues with her as you will see.

She claimed her supervisor was angry with her for not asking for termination at the hearing.  She says she stumbled at the hearing and wasn't sure what to say.  She claims her supervisor is angry this has to go to court when she could have just stopped visits at court the last time.  She told me it was the lawyer who wanted visits to continue and that the supervisor was upset because Caseworker needs to understand who she takes her orders from.

Ok, here's the crazy part.  I called the advocate after Caseworker left and he confirmed that there is a court date in a couple weeks.  He says he also talked to Caseworker and her story to him was the opposite of the one she gave me.  She said, the lawyer wanted her to take visits and her supervisor DID NOT want her to take away visits and she had to follow orders.

During our conversation the advocate and I decided the Caseworker is definitely lying to us both.  When you tell the truth your story doesn't change.  There is only one truth.  We believe that Caseworker is the one who wanted to keep visits going for some unknown reason, but she just did not want to explain herself to us.  All along she has claimed that Tyke does not know what he is talking about and he probably just made up most of the allegations regarding bio-mom.  In spite of her ambivalence toward the boys she did behave as if visits will get stopped at court.  Since I have no idea if she is telling the truth or manipulating some angle we will just have to see how it all goes.

It is possible the supervisor could just go ahead and stop the visits now. No one has indicated she will, but I am aware that she can.  I hope she does.  I just learned court is January 16, so we are looking at another 7 - 8 visitations for these boys.  I am asking God to cut those down somehow, but I am so very grateful that I almost feel like I shouldn't push the issue too much.  I only pray that if it has to wait that long for a court day then visits are definitely going to be stopped.  I so feel like their Mommy on this issue.  One terrified visit is too much, 7 - 8 is more than I want to think about.

My Gross Kids

Today's visit was cancelled due to Tot emptying his stomach at the kitchen table last night.   Ewww, gross, I know.  TMI.

 If you remember, Tyke got sick at the end of last week.  The same sickness then went to me, Cyrus, Baby, and now Tot.  We have been keeping the visitation up and just keeping the affected child home.  Friday Tyke stayed home.  For Monday's visit Baby stayed home.  Poor Baby is still so exhausted.  I asked to cancel today because with Baby puking and now Tot too it was just silly.  Tyke is still over-tired and eating very little, although he is much better than he was.

Even with the kids sick we are all pretty happy around here.  Daddy is home on vacation, so everyone likes the variation in the routine.  We are preparing for the upcoming holidays and having a good time goofing around. 

I am just waiting to see what God will do about visits.  I hope he is going to put a stop to them, but I really just don't know.  Maybe even visits, which look like a terrible, terrible, thing are all a part of  His will.  In all reality I cannot do any more to try and stop the trauma they are suffering.  I just decided that I am going to enjoy all the hours that I don't have to send the boys to visits.  There are a lot more of those anyway. 

A Quick Update

The advocate called.  He does plan to go to court for the boys.  Like me he wanted to get things done today or tomorrow.  He was slowed down by others in his agency.  They want letters from the therapists to accompany him.  Then he has to file and wait to be approved to get a court date.  Then he gets assigned a court date. 

It could be a couple of weeks or more before the advocate even gets in front of the judge.   I have to believe... God's got this.

Well, It's on Video Now

The advocate was here.  He got the entire reaction to visits on camera.  The boys made me proud.  They didn't spaz out right away when the visit supervisor showed up.  They started with their words.  It was only when that did not work that they ran away.

I have to give it to the visit supervisor.  She used her words and was even more calm and patient than usual. She knew she was on camera.  I chased Tyke and she  wrestled with Tot.  I handed off my boys,  I told them it would be okay, while they pleaded.  I told them I would see them later and I walked away.  The freak out session began.  They screamed and cried calling, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"

Today my husband is home on vacation so he got to have his heart broken too.  "Daddy!  Daddy!  Get me Daddy!  I want my Daddy!"

We were all shaken.  I tried to go to the car and comfort them.  The visit supervisor told me to stay back and she would handle it.  I had to go hide and cry.  Today at least my husband held me through my tears.  "It has to be like this so they can stop it,"  he comforted.  Oh how I hope he's right.

The advocate was heartbroken.  He says he's filing right away to go before the judge.  I hope he can somehow miraculously get in today.  I wait to hear what may come of today's events.

My prayer: "Please God, please, please, please."

I had to update this posting because I reread it and I had written the word freak way too many times!

News from the Advocate

To follow up on yesterday's issues...  I bundled them all up and they went outside to play.  It seemed to reduce a majority of the issues.  Tot could choose to sit in a chair by me or he could go play.  He chose to sit by me... the WHOLE TIME!  I think these 2 visits a week are really unsettling him.  I wish I would have realized sooner he just needed me and it wasn't about boo boos. 


Now, about the advocate.  He called me today and asked how visits were going.  I told him how badly it all was going and he said he had a report from the visit supervisor detailing Tyke's having to be forced into the car and forced into his seat.  I confirmed the report and gave him detailed descriptions of what it was like to get the boys to leave.

The advocate is planning to take this to the judge himself.  He has that power, I had no idea!  He says this forcing the boys into the car and seats is taking things too far.  He is coming before the next visit and recording the boys' behaviors.  He is hoping he can get in front of the judge right away and put a stop to these visits.

On the day the play therapist arrived to observe pre-visit behavior the boys were somewhat subdued.  They only really went balistic when I walked away.  I do not know what will happen with the advocate and a camcorder present.  The therapist is planning to be present as well.

The therapist finally got to actually speak to the caseworker.  The caseworker ranted about the boys throwing fits just to get their way about visits and how by visits being cancelled by the bio-family the boys were going to keep throwing fits to try and get their way. She doesn't acknowledge that the boys DO NOT behave this way at any other time.  This is not their M.O.  Caseworker also went on again about how everyone has to do things they don't like, but that they have to be polite.  She told play therapist that Tyke should get candy when he uses his words.  The therapist responded, "So we teach him, if you use your words no one will listen to you, but you WILL get a piece of candy."

The Caseworker also said I should put Cy and Liv in a room for a 1/2 hour before each visit so the boys won't be upset because they have to leave my kids.  What?????  I AM NOT forcing my children to go to their rooms to get the outcome the caseworker wants.  Why should they be punished!?

 It's kind of like a 3 ring circus trying to do for these boys what any sensible person would do in any other situation.  I told the therapist today that I would NEVER force my daughter to go to a visit with someone whom she claimed had hurt her in such ways.  I wouldn't do that because she is my child.  The problem with the state having ultimate say over children is that they are treated more like the "property" of the state rather than as fragile children.  The caseworker says, "It's just 3 more months."   

Her message to my tortured toddlers is:

Yes, boys.  I know you are completely terrified and traumatized by every single visit, but go ahead and go through that shock and trauma for 3 more months.  You'll probably get over it.

Still, I prayed that God would go around her if necessary and it looks like that may happen.

 Why are these visits so necessary?  Well, from what I am told they are helpful for documentation purposes.  A year of this is enough documentation.  They have had more than enough for a very long time, but they don't want to bring up the therapists' reports in court for some reason.

1.  I am praying for Monday, that the boys' behavior will bring about what their words have not managed.

2.  I am praying the Advocate gets before the judge quickly and the visits aren't drug out while we wait for a court date.

3.  I am praying DC$ gets on board when they see how seriously everyone else is taking it.

4.  I am praying that this change in visitation will only help these boys get their freedom and not slow down Termination in any way.

I love how filing for termination happened even though it was not intended by DC$.  I love how it appears God is doing the same kind of thing again.  Just a prayin' and a waitin'!

Sam E still working, but Rough Day

All 5 kids are off kilter today.  Is this because I was sick yesterday(I ended up coming down with something similar to Tyke's stomach issues)?  Is this their bid for attention?  I woke up in a good mood today.  I felt a lot better.  I started right on my daily routines and made the kids pancakes as a special treat. As you can see the supplements have continued to work well for me.

I can never decide this issue in child rearing.  If children are just having bad days and nothing you say or do snaps them out of it should you send them to their rooms for a good long while?  Is it cruel to just go ahead at a certain point, and acknowledge that since no one wants to obey or treat one another with kindness and respect it is better just to stay in your rooms and play?

I worry about sending my kids away.  I don't want to give them the wrong message.  I am having one of those days where it's only one of me and 5 of them and there are a ton of behavior issues going on. 

Cy and Liv are "forgetting" our obey the first time rule today.  They are playing too rough for the boys, and trying to get schoolwork finished has been like pulling teeth. They are hyper-distracted... constantly!

Tot is loud.  He is always loud, but today he continues to come to me screaming about "boo boos."  A tiny touch is enough to set him off.  Every offense real and imagined is worth screaming about today.  Someone screaming unexpectedly near my face continues to be an adrenaline trigger for me.

Tyke has been sick, but he is a lot better.  While sick he got attention for his diarrhea and nausea. We felt sorry for him and kept him calm and happy.  My reward today is that he is acting as if he has never been potty trained.  No.  It is no longer diarrhea. 

Baby is okay, but still a handful on his best day.  I should be getting a break during naptime, but with the oldest unable to focus on school we are STILL finishing our school day.

My choices are... Let everyone stay together and keep putting up with it and trying to be above the chaos,  Send everyone to their rooms and take a mental health break, or do a change of scenery, like loading them all in the car after nap time and going for a drive. 

Well, at least I can think of options.  That is a nice result of my enhanced mood lately.

They Don't Care, But He Does.

One of the therapist is coming today to witness the boys leaving for their visit.  I want to tell her to forget it.  I really feel like it no longer matters who witnesses this sad behavior.  All we are is a witness to tragedy, but ultimately we can't do anything.  It's going to take an act of God.  Not, another report from a therapist.  These people don't care. 

They have to participate in this nightmare another 21 times until termination hopefully happens.  I want to cover them with kisses and make all kinds of promises about their future.  I want to tell them they will stay here forever, and that this is just a short visit, but until termination happens I don't feel like I can do that. I want to do all the caseworker tells me to do just to stop their tears.  It may not be real security, but a distraction may be enough for now.

My problem is I don't trust them.  I took two completely terrified toddlers and through God's grace I helped them find peace and trust.  I helped them learn to be good even in bad situations.  The visit supervisor's reports became covered in glowing remarks about Bio-Mom's skills.

One day Tyke asked me, "I stay with you forever, ever, ever?"
I told the truth, "I don't know.  Mommy S______ wants you to come back to her.  It's up to the judge."

On that day the gloves came off for Tyke.  He started acting out at home and at visits.  I freed him further when I announced I would not be angry with him or that he would not get in trouble for being mad about visits.  Visit behavior got worse and home behavior got better.

I am still waiting on that miracle to stop visitation.  The one only God can deliver. I am blessed that I at least know an end point. The termination trial is set, but how can I help these boys from now until then?  . 

On a good note...  Sort of...  Tyke is sick so he can't go to the visit.  I wish he wasn't sick, but I am glad he can be spared the trauma today.

Just Waiting on God

The visit supervisor, the therapist, and myself, all called caseworker  today to discuss the duress the boys are currently under... she plans to do....  wait for it.... nothing.
She expressed concern that they weren't learning to be polite with the play therapist, she told me to put them in timeout when they act out, and she told me to bribe them with candy for good behavior.  Another wonderful snippet from today's conversation, she told me that we all have to do things we don't like, but that we still have to be polite.
I should not be shocked, but this lack of concern for their well-being still astounds me.

so her plan is for the next 2 and 1/2 months to send them to visits 2x a week come hell or high water.

I wonder if she would be polite if someone forced her to go to visits with someone who had tortured her?  hmmm....

any way, here's a couple thoughts...  One , typing with my cell phone stinks and two...

Our God is greater.
Our God is stronger,
God you are higher than any other!

Visitation in Complete Chaos

The visit supervisor showed up.  The boys screamed and ran and hid.  They threw things at her as I tried to help corral them.  They refused to walk and had to be hauled to the van.  She got them to the van.  They sobbed and fought her.  The cried and looked at me with tear filled eyes.  "I don't want to go!  I don't want to go!"  Tot screamed.  I just held him and hugged him and watched as Tyke tried to kick, punch, yank, and claw at the visit supervisor.  Tyke's eyes were filled with terror, his sobs so strong I thought he would puke.  
"It's okay Baby," I soothed.  "Its going to be okay."  Tyke and Tot could not stop crying Tyke reached for me crying after he was strapped into his seat. As soon as the visit supervisor had a hand on Tot I walked away.  I had to.  I couldn't bear to see him scream for me. Tears ran down my face as soon as I was out of sight.  I felt so... helpless.  My boys were powerless in their screams and I was powerless to help them.

An hour later I got a phone call.  I found the visit supervisor was on her way back with the boys.  No one had showed up for today's visit...

Later, after she dropped them off, the visit supervisor called to confirm the time she had set for today and for later this week.  I confirmed my schedule matched what she had written down.  Bio Grandma and Bio Mom said that she had told them a different time.  Last week all 4 of us stood together and planned this particular time.  We all knew the time to be there.  Then visit supervisor  told me... she was being threatened by Bio-G.  Bio-G knows and is related to a lot of bad people.  Bio-G herself has assault with a deadly weapon on her record.  She claims she hears and sees things because God gives her special abilities.  Visit supervisor is thinking about quitting her job.  These people cross her circles,  they are in the same city, and she is afraid. 

This is completely out of control.  This is completely nuts.  No wonder my boys are terrified.  When will this all finally end?

Becoming Their Own Advocates

Today Tyke and Tot became their own advocates. 

The visit supervisor showed up.  I walked them out while they told me they did not want to go.  They told her they did not want to go. They both ran off and protest cried a little bit.   I waited until she had a hand on each boy.  I called out, "Goodbye!" and headed for the house.

The boys lost it.  They screamed, and cried, and fought.  I walked inside.  I spent the next few minutes praying and working out my attitude.  I walked downstairs and calmly announced I was taking some me time since I had the next 5 hours off. 

There was a knock at the door.  The visit supervisor never left the driveway.  "This visit's cancelled," she told me.  The boys never calmed down or cooperated.  When she brought them inside they were instantly calm.  Tyke even said, "Thank you."  She told me she is going to be letting the caseworker know that these visits are not good for the boys emotionally.

I know that what they did isn't considered "polite."  They used to be polite.  They were ignored.  I am proud of them for being their own advocates, but sad it has had to come to this.

Ending Visitation

I am hoping we can end visitation soon.  It is so bad for the boys.  Tyke hates to go.  He's 3.  He screams and cries and runs and hides and begs not to go.  Today he played with the play therapist.  He put 3  dolls in the toy car to go to a visit and kept taking the boy doll he identifies as himself out and hiding it.  He pushed the car all over the place and crashed it into things with the other dolls inside.  However, he put the boy doll softly in my hands and would not put it back in the car.  The play therapist said, "This is all for a reason.  It is not a coincidence he always takes his doll out.  He put his doll with you."  Interesting and sad.

I talked to their play therapist today and she is going to join me tomorrow as I go to drop the boys for a visit so she can observe their behaviors to include in a report she plans to give the caseworker.  Sadly, I want Tyke and Tot lose it when I try to leave them tomorrow.  No one paid any attention at all when I was able to coerce them into doing things calmly.   Maybe 1 out of 4 times they go calmly and do not seem too worried.  I hope this isn't one of those times because then it makes me look like I don't know what I am talking about.  I hate them being sad, but  DC$  has to be confronted with the truth and see how traumatic these visits are for the kids. 


A note to current and future foster parents:  I spent months trying to help them go calmly to visits they hated and I paid for it when they got home.  They were angry, defiant, and aggressive.  Every time I helped force them to go I got to be one of the bad guys.  One day I woke up and realized I shouldn't tell them to look forward to things, or that it would be okay, or that they would have fun. I looked at my crying, screaming, 3 year old and said, "It's okay to be sad and it's okay to be mad Tyke."  That was a turning point for us.  Since that time he has gotten very angry about visits, but he isn't taking that anger out on me.



Back to my story.  Even the judge questioned the advocate on where he got the information from that the boys did not like visits.  I am sure even in that judge's mind my opinions are invalid because I am just a biased foster parent.  Thank God this biased foster parent looked for therapists who would take such little boys.  Thank God this biased foster parent pushed the advocate to go to a visit.  Thank God this biased foster parent pushed everyone involved to finally share their opinions that matched my own, because that is the only way my voice would ever be heard.

Looking further into the stupidity of it all... We, the foster parents have reported the boys' anger over visits, but that's not enough.  The visitation supervisor has now reported the boys' lashing out regarding visits.  That's all the voice most foster kids have regarding visitation, but it's not enough.  My boys' are lucky to have an advocate who reported that the boys did not want to be at the visit he attended and that they asked him to bring them home to mommy.  Most foster children do not have an advocate who goes to their visits, but that isn't enough.  My young toddlers are special, they have a therapist that they cry to and share their fears about visits.  She has sent reports that indicate the extreme duress the boys' feel regarding visits, but that    is   not    enough.  Finally, my boys also have a play therapist.  Her reports show that there is an increase in dysfunctional behavior, aggression, crying, and acting out in all of her meetings that occur after a visit has taken place, but that IS NOT ENOUGH!

Now I am supposed to believe with one more report from the therapists visits will end.  I pray this isn't just another pointless exercise.

Now for a hallelujah moment. 
I know some of you are praying and I can't thank you enough. To all of you that have been praying, Thank you so much.  Yesterday I felt so covered in prayer.  My family and friends, my church and their churches were praying.  I know some of you were praying and I kept thinking of James 5:16 (the 2nd half)

  ... The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

 

God gets the glory for yesterday and I can't thank Him enough. 

I believe our prayers lift our causes before his throne.  Revelations 5:8 shows us that 24 elders go before the throne of Heaven.  They hold golden bowls full of incense that are the prayers of the saints. I am sure God is used to the tiny fragrance of my prayers coming before him regarding the boys, but I know that yesterday the incense of all of our prayers for these boys future was powerful indeed.  Thanks again.  There is power in multiplied prayer.

They Filed!!!

We went to court and it took forever to actually get in.  I shared pics of the boys with bio-mom and bio-grandma.  I complimented them on the cute outfit they had put on Baby at the last visit and told them I put it on him again today.  They seemed very pleased by this.  I offered to send her pictures via email if she had an address for me, but she did not.  They tried to get my phone number and facebook info while we were talking but I blamed DC$ confidentiality rules and said we could not share that kind of thing.

Bio-Grandma had a long, very loud phone conversation with someone where she talked a very big game.  Turns out she has bags of evidence she just can't find right now that when she finds it will prove they are all out to get her daughter.  At one point she said very loudly, "Oh no, the foster family is good people, S_____ has spent time with them and she says they are very nice."  This makes me happy.  I don't want to be seen as the enemy because I feel like that jeopardizes my family.  If they want to make DC$ and the Advocates the bad guys that is fine with me.  If I have to stand up and speak I will, but I'd rather not have to place a target on myself.


After those two went to a different area I asked the advocate if they were filing for termination today.  He looked at me sadly and said, "No, I wanted to tell you that.  I got the report on what they are filing and they are going to focus on another issue entirely and ask for a later court date."

I pulled out my phone and texted all 5 of my immediate family and we were all instantly praying.  We were called into court and everyone sat down.  The DC$ attorney and the caseworker conferred and then spoke up and asked for a few more minutes because they had forgotten some paperwork.  We all had to leave the courtroom again.  We came back in 10 minutes later and low and behold in that time they had decided to file for termination.

They explained that except for visits NONE of the case plan was being followed.  The date was set for trial. The judge asked if they were going to continue to offer services (think visitation) and caseworker says, "Yes."  What??? I did not like that part.

Then the advocate got to speak and he brought up how much the boys hate visits.  He told how therapists, the visit supervisor and themselves had all witnessed this.  The judge commented that it was understandable with the boys being so young that they were bonded with us.  He looked at DC$ and said, "I assume you are monitoring this?"  I was thinking NO.   "If it gets to be too traumatic for the boys you will bring it to my attention?"  They said they would.  We will see.

After court I caught up with caseworker.  She was speeding out of the building and wouldn't slow down or stop.  She said the attorney told her to leave in this manner.  She said, "I am glad you caught up with me.  I can't appear to be biased in any way. I need reports from their therapists about visits then I can put a stop to them."  Weirdly enough the therapists had offered to do this several times already.  I left her speeding for her car.  She claimed the bio-family was getting volatile and she had to get out of there.  Maybe she did.  I didn't see that part of it because we left right away as we were at the back of the room.

I wanted to dance in circles.  Next step down.  Finally.  At least the boys have a chance at freedom now.  Thank God.

Feeling Good But Need Your Prayers

I am feeling really great lately.  I started taking Sam E a vitamin supplement for mood support plus an assortment of other herbs in something called Estroblend.  I was skeptical when I started, but I feel so much better.  I feel like me again.  I have also begun to notice quite frequently how much awesome is tucked inside of ALL of my kiddos.

The boys still fight and scream as toddlers will, the dishes still pile up, and the laundry is still a nightmare, but through it all I still feel in general that life is good, and God is good and it will all work out.   Cool huh?  When my attitude is upbeat everyone in the family seems to do better.  When they do better, I do better and so it is a good cycle rather than the other cycle.

The other cycle goes like this:  acting out leads to my exhaustion and then to short tempers which causes more acting out and on and on it goes.


Now for the other part...
We have court tomorrow morning.  I am told that it is quite possible they will file for termination tomorrow.  Once the permanency plan moves to termination then DC$ is no longer required to provide visitation.  So I suppose they still can give visits if they so choose.

We were supposed to have a visit yesterday early morning.  I got the boys up and got them all ready to go.  The visit supervisor was running late so I took them outside to play and wait.  Tyke is smart and he figured out what was up.  He started pleading.  "You call Visit Supervisor!  You tell her I don't want to go!"  He kept crying, "I want to stay with you!"

Eventually I did call because visit supervisor was running really late.  At this time I am informed that there is no longer any visit for that Monday.  It has been moved to the end of the week.  Grrrr - a little, but not too much because I am ridiculously well-balanced right now...  Still she, visit supervisor, could hear Tyke in the background saying, "You tell her I don't want to go!"

"It's okay Tyke," I say, "You don't have a visit today."

Tyke and Tot instantly cheer, "Yeah!"

Visit Supervisor overhears, "Wow." 

Exactly.

Toddlers should not have to deal with this.  No one should have to deal with this.  I want visits to be over for their sake as much as for my own.

Oh yeah, back to the prayers...  There are a lot of things swirling in my head.  If you can pray for any or all of these I would  be so grateful.

Can you pray for Bio-Mom to sign over her rights?

Can you pray they will actually file for termination?

Can you pray that they will put a stop to all visitation?

Can you pray that God would give the judge wisdom?

Can you pray that God would help the CASA and DC$ to speak up for the boys' best interests?

Can you pray for God's will above all else?

Thanks!  I can't wait to update you after court tomorrow.  Hope I have good things to say.

A Perfect Example - The Dog Water Incident

Since Day 1 Tot has been fascinated with anything holding water.  We have trained and trained and trained, but that boy still goes for the dog water from time to time.  Lately Tot has been taking things to extremes.

A couple of days ago I took the kids outside for some playtime.  Tot found a stick and put it in the dog water and began flinging water everywhere.  I took the stick and reminded him, "Do not play in the dog water Tot."

"Okay."

A couple minutes later Tot goes and sticks his entire arm in the dog water.  I am more firm.  "Tot, DO NOT play in the dog water or you will go inside (I was foolishly trying to avoid the trek inside at this point)."

"Okay, sowwy Mom."

 Tot walks away from the water and I turn to watch Baby for like 2 seconds! I hear Cy yell, "MOM!  TOT STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE DOG WATER!!!"

I whip around and sure enough Tot is dripping from his hair, past his ears, and all down his winter coat.  His mouth drops open as he registers my angry face.  He is a smart boy so he takes off running yelling, "I UNDERSTAND!  I UNDERSTAND!  I UNDERSTAND!" 

Because usually when I correct Tot at the end I will say, "Do you understand?"

I have to admit typing this... It's pretty funny.  Who sticks there entire head in freezing cold dog water???  Only a 2 year old.  Still at the time I was fuming. 

 I had this dripping wet kid to deal with and 4 others to bring inside because he ruined the time outside.  Not only that, but I had to chase this dripping, freaking out, rebellious toddler around the house because he was determined to avoid time-out at all costs.  All the while I was yelling over my shoulder... "Cy, keep an eye on Baby PLEASE!" 


I lost it with Tot.  When I caught him and I may or may not have hauled him in the house so quickly his toes barely got to touch the ground.  I may have been hollering my head off as I plopped his dripping dirty dog water self into the bath tub to wait until I could get to him and I may not have cared a whit that he was terrified.  Cy may have said, "Mom that was pretty harsh."  And in fantastic mother fashion I may or may not have told Cy off too.

I had to get the rest of the kids in to our little asylum for crazy mothers and children.  Baby seemingly unnaffected by my tantrum launched into one of his own as soon as I set him down (Baby has serious issues with me setting him down before he decides he wants down).  Tyke was screaming at me because I was making him go inside and I ended up having to carry him in too.  He couldn't pull himself together.  He launched into an all out fit and ended up having to go to his room.  Liv just stared at me with these big "what the heck has gotten into my mother?" eyes.  Then there was my righteous minded 8 year old to endure.  Can I just say I hate when he's right and I'm wrong?
.
After the incident and for the rest of the day my mood pretty much sucked and I questioned myself on every move with every kid for the rest of the day and of course... I cried.

So you see what I mean by just not feeling capable? 

Of course I had a revelation tonight.  Tot is the one making things the worst right now.  For the most part everything is better when Tot is not a part of it.  He is just so difficult right now.  Light bulb!  Tyke was exactly this age when he was first placed with us.  He was doing many of the same things when I called the caseworker and told her I couldn't do it because Tyke was too hard.  Now I am seeing Tot in much the same place.  (Well, except for the biting and clawing that's pretty much over now.  Tot just hits A LOT and tells on everyone A LOT.  Even the dog, the cat, the flies... and he rebels A LOT.)  If you remember I first asked the caseworker to move just Tyke.  Remembering this has helped me to find a glimmer of hope... I am so glad I hung on to my boy Tyke.  Two months later Tyke was extremely improved and 4 months later it was like we had a new kid.  Maybe I will get that with Tot too?  We just have to survive this stage. 

Now how to do that?

Miss Lonely is One of Many

I have a perfect 6 year old on my lap.  She came up to me just as I sat down to blog, "Mom, I'm kinda lonely."  I am not sure how she can be lonely in this busy house, but I think she just misses me.  So I am trying to type with this girl in my way!

Relief!  She's gone off to play.  I know my baby misses one-on-one time.  She gets some everyday, but she doesn't get near as much as she used to get. 

That is a perfect segway to what I was going to write about anyway.  So many people need me.  I am really tired and possibly looking at burnout.

Here's my fear.  Maybe I can't do this.  I love these boys so much.  I want to be the place they need to be, but lately there just doesn't seem to be enough of me.  I am so tired and I am constantly reacting instead of being proactive.

If they are all awake someone is always screaming or crying because crazy seems to have moved in and taken up residence.  The sad thing is I know what to do, I am just so tired of having to do it for someone all the time.  I can wake up and feel energized and ready and be depleted in one short hour because the needs pile up and cascade over one another.  I can't move fast enough or think fast enough.  They are screaming at me and too quickly I am yelling at them.

I constantly worry I am screwing them up because I am not therapeutic enough.  The fear eats me up sometimes.  Little one's need held and talked to and enriched and encouraged and trained and spoken sweetly to, not yelled at.  I think about sending the boys away to somewhere "better" and I can't breathe.  It hurts so much inside. 

I see posts about how different placements seem to be "perfect" for a particular family and I wonder if this placement isn't a mistake.  It doesn't feel perfect.  I can acknowledge that all by himself Baby would be perfect for our family with his jolly personality and his easy ability to hold the spotlight.  All by himself Tot would be perfect for our family.  He lays beside Mommy or Daddy on the floor and rests his chin in his hands and has deep and meaningful discussions of the fish in the pond, the party in his tummy, and his favorite monkey, George.  All by himself Tyke would be perfect for our family.  His desire to copy "Daddy" and make me proud and to do everything Cy does warms my heart.  They are all so perfect I want to cry just thinking about it.

Sadly I am left here feeling like the life raft in the middle of everyone's emotions and many times everyone is grabbing for me at once and I am going under.  My breathing gets faster.  My pulse speeds.  I am going under and I am desperate to save me!  I don't want to be told to get rid of them.  I want someone to tell me how to be a better life raft.

This is a mess, but I have to publish or never finish. 

A Lot On My Mind

Well I have a lot of things knocking around in my head today...

We pulled the kids out of private school and are going back to homeschooling.  It was good timing with the break and we are just a homeschool family at heart so this is what is best for us.

I do not want a visit tomorrow!  I have the first family showing up tomorrow and I don't want the boys to be processing new people AND a visit.  Yes, and selfishly they are my babies and it breaks Tyke's heart, and I hate watching them drive away.

I keep worrying the boys will be sent home after the next court date Dec. 5th.  I don't know why I just keep thinking they are going to go.  I suppose its some weird fear of loss and seeing other children go places they should not.

Caseworker asked me if I am going to speak about the boys at court.  It was sort of random.  I guess if I am allowed I will make a statement.  I just don't know what all to say or not to say.  I've never done this before.

I have been dieting and exercising more regularly so I can eat on Thanksgiving relatively guilt-free.  I am down 3 lbs.  Really, I needed to diet so I wouldn't have to spend more money on jeans.  Thanksgiving is a good excuse too though. I actually just need to stop putting back on what I take off.  That's a lot harder though.  I decided to run 3 miles a few days ago.  I ran maybe like 1/10th of the distance and mostly I just walked.  Yes, that was a few days ago.  The kid logistics are hard.  I pushed baby in the stroller and that was way too hard!  My neck and shoulder were so sore.  Apparently I can't even push a stroller correctly.

Getting Ready

I have family showing up here in a couple of days and I am getting ready.  It is so much harder to get ready for things now.  I can't just clean an area and banish 2 kids to another area.  It's five kids in a house that is just perfect for our size family.  It isn't too big or too small.  That being said, when I try to clean that can be a major headache as all rooms can get messed up at the same time. 

Cy is getting good at helping out, but at 8 years old his help isn't always reliable and forget about the rest of them.  They want to "help" for something to do, and that is sweet, but I usually have to redo it.'

Here's the thing... My Mom, my sister, her kids, and my brother are all coming.  They love me and don't judge.  The house could be a shambles and they wouldn't care, but I also have some very neat and tidy relatives coming and a messy house would make them uncomfortable so I really want to have it nice.  I hope I get it all done, but if I don't I will make sure to have my air freshners all filled and the nice smell will make people think clean!

Seriously though, I am over the moon happy to see my family, I just hope I can set aside all the worry and soak up my family. 

On a sad note, Tyke got scared when he learned my brother was coming.  He said, "He's going to hurt me!"  Now Tyke has never met my brother.  We have had several talks now about my nice brother and how he is nice like Grandma L and Aunt D that he has met already.  He got excited after that, but I am bracing myself to have to help the boys with the crowd of family that is coming into their domain.

Good Advice

I was given some good advice last night from a fellow foster mom.  Her children were similarly abused and had major fear issues with visits.

She told me that at first she also coerced her kids into going.  She told them it was going to be all right etc.  Then one day she just stopped.  She made the visit supervisor get them and strap them in and she did not tell them it was going to be alright.  Like me, she felt like she could not promise that.

One day her youngest girl went and hid in a closet.  The visit supervisor dragged her out screaming.  That was a turning point in her case. 

She advised me to let my boys feel however they feel.  Don't tell them it will be fun or good or even okay because I have no idea if it is fun or good or okay for them.  Let the visit supervisor deal with their feelings and when it is no longer easy for the visit supervisor then, maybe just maybe, someone will respect the boys feelings.

I am definitely going to take this tack from now on.  If you were the victim of violent crimes, how would you feel if the person you trusted most made you go and see your abuser repeatedly?  Not only made you go, but they also minimized your feelings and told you it would be okay.   

I know my boys are young, but I cannot tell them how to feel, and I can't promise them that they will like the visit or that it will be okay.  I have no idea what kind of ride I am in for.  I worry about the boys emotional state if I don't help them calmly accept things, but THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO CALMLY ACCEPT THIS CRAP!

Sorry to "yell" but this is ridiculous.  I am so tired of it and if they take the boys because I won't "play along" then they take them. Its all in God's hands anyway right?

Futile Protest

Again this morning Tyke said, "No, I don't wanna go see her!"  Again this morning he ran to me for a hug, "You my mom!"

New this morning, Tyke fought the visit supervisor.  He wouldn't sit in his seat, he wouldn't let her buckle him.  He cried for me the whole time.  He said, "I don't want her!  You Mom, I want you!"

After the struggle to buckle Tyke was finished the visit supervisor turned to me and said, "It's only going to keep getting worse."

I told her it was getting harder on me too.  Then I came inside and cried.  Tyke's words and cries fall on deaf ears.  For me it is a few hours without them, but for him it is torture and we do it to him over, and over, and over again.  I hate visit mornings.

Fantasizing

I was working in my kitchen and I realized my socks were getting wet.  That was really frustrating since we just replaced our dishwasher.  I got a rag to handle the clean up and realized there were strings of water all over the kitchen. Understanding dawned... Baby "Slobber-Bucket" strikes again.  Someone is always making work for me so I won't have to worry if I am needed.

I worked my tail off yesterday and today the house is a mess again. How do they do that?!   I fantasize about being 55 and the kids all gone and I will make some cute quaint meal for the hubs and myself and we will munch while sharing some quiet conversation and then take our two plates to the sink and wipe them down and wipe down our not very dirty counter and table and then go sit on our front porch and admire the view.  People have some very strange fantasies.  I just fantasize about two plates, oh yeah and small loads of laundry, and shoeless living rooms.  Not that I don't love my loud, messy, slobbery, children who leave what I will call "shoe droppings" everywhere, because I do love them to pieces.  Its just when I am sobbing as the last one heads off to make their own way in the world part of me is going to be really excited about dinner for 2!

Reruns

Tyke has been having a really hard time since the visit last week.  He is usually "over it" by now.  He is going back to some old behaviors.  He is sucking his thumb again and digging at his skin to the point of damage.  He is trying to control every situation. If you want him to go slow he will go fast.  If you want him to go fast he will go slow.  If you say its time to sit he will stand and if you say its time to stand he will lay down (in the middle of children's church on the floor).  He is hungry when it isn't time to eat and he is full when we sit down to eat.  Its all about control.  He tells me he is sick one minute and the next he is displaying manic behaviors.  He is also acting out scenes from his past again and trying to involve me in them.  I haven't seen that in a very very long time.  I am sad.

I don't know what to do about it.  It's the visit.  He is tangled up inside.  It's the fact that he knows she wants him back.  He is a mess!  I want to hold him and tell him he's mine forever because I know that is what he wants to hear, but I can't tell him that because I don't know what his future holds.  Maybe I did something really wrong by telling him Mommy S loves him and wants him to come back to her home.  I just really don't feel like I can continue not to talk about that and then it is just another violent change in his life.

I pray bio-momma gives up her rights.  I know she can change, and be redeemed, and healed, and all of that, but Tyke needs to be free from that.  The places I see him regressing to...  He is going back to old ugly stuff because of ONE visit, what will happen when he is in her home and so ready and able to pick up old patterns? 

I realized that God has been working and reworking me to this place of compassion for bio-mom.  I really feel like I am getting it.  The other night I prayed and I told God I was laying my will on the altar so I could be exactly what he wanted.  I was sad to lay my will down because then how could I do what was best for the boys if I had a heart for her?  Then within a few minutes after praying that fear lifted.  I could see clearly maybe for the first time.

I am to pray for her and love her and seek God's will in all of our lives, but I being used by God in the role of advocate for these boys.  To the best of my knowledge I am advocating and praying on Tyke, Tot, and Baby's behalf and for their best interests.  Wherever my judgement is wrong I trust that God will correct it, and correct the course, but I can only fulfill my role and not become embittered in the process.

Another cool thing... Saturday night I was speaking to God in a very logical prayer about my "options" and what would God like me to do given my failings as I see them and the limitations of the system, etc.

I turned on the radio after this prayer time and the next program on featured the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths."  Proverbs 3:5  It was yet another gentle reminder from the Lord that I don't have to have the plan, I only need to submit.  When I think of that verse I just imagine that out of nowhere the Lord puts the path under my feet.  If I just walk daily submitting to his will I don't have to look to the right or left to find my way.  He is just going to make the path for me right where I am.

Oh yeah, and in Sunday School I heard about how a Mother Giraffe kicked her newborn calf repeatedly to get it to stand because she was "protecting" the baby by getting it to walk.  Then when the baby giraffe finally stood up, she kicked it again and knocked it down.  The person watching asked the zoologist why and the zoologist answered that she wanted the baby to remember how to get up. I realized that God has been using this whole process to bring me repeatedly to the place of surrendering my will.  I have been asking God (accusingly) why he is making me go through this again and again.  Why can't we just get to the next part already?!  Then I realized that God is a little like that Momma giraffe.  He is putting me in a difficult place so I will learn to do the hard things.  When I think I have mastered surrender I often feel like I get kicked (tested) again and I learn again how to surrender.  One of these days I pray my surrender will be as second nature to me as standing up.

See?  I told you God was working on me!

Musings and More

Some random thoughts...

I am looking around at a big ol' mess.  I have to do something about it. It's just... I did something about it yesterday and my inner child wants to know why I have to clean it up if it's just going to get messy again.

I am on my diet again.  I am determined to knock off a few pounds before the family arrives for Thanksgiving.  I can eat guilt free!  I like the food I get to eat, omlettes and salads, etc.  I just like convenience foods more.  Later today I will probably be craving something unhealthy.

Ryan is off on another Saturday project.  That man is a worker, but when he's out cutting wood on a beautiful day like today he usually comes home pretty jolly.  He took Liv with him.  She loves to work beside Daddy.  I do believe she even helped with some metal fabrication last night.  My crazy six year old loves tractors and pretty dresses equally.

Cy, Tyke, and Tot are having a friendly day.  I like that.  I like watching the boys just have a good time together.

Baby is sleeping.  It is early for nap, but he has been tired.  He wants to go all the time now that he can walk and I think he's wearing himself out.

Oh yeah, I sent a letter to my caseworker and her supervisor letting them know about Wednesday's visit.  Long story short, Tyke pleaded not to go, but "we" made him.  He was behaving in wild erratic ways and the visit supervisor told me I should put him in timeout when she brought him back.  I only sat him down while we finished our quick follow-up conversation.  He had wild and erratic behavior for several hours after the visit, but calmed down later and I took him to church that night.  Mistake.  He was basically running, and rolling, and flipping, anything to be in control of the situation and keep hands off of him.  Even if it upsets the caseworker and her supervisor to hear it, Tyke is going downhill even as bio-mom improves in her showing up for visits.  I am still praying for bio-mom, but Tyke will need major prayer too if he is to ever accept or trust her.

I tried...

I want to blog at how faithful God has been and how patient he has been to quiet my heart and help me rest in him...  but I can't cause Baby is walking now and he keeps toddling up and banging on the keyboard.  He sure does love his new tricks.

Meltdown

Yeah, I had a meltdown today.  I threw pillows and sobbed the whole bit.  I am grieving, not the loss of my boys, but the eventual loss.  I am beginning to believe they will be reunited.  I want you all to understand something.  My boys were _____ (I decided to omit the word) ... repeatedly. No one is willing to go out on a limb to protect them, so the reunification train is chugging forward.

I have to be honest so you can understand my state of mind.  My guy didn't win last night. so that was a bummer, the boys left me for a visit, so that was a bummer, the visit supervisor brought them home talking about adding more visits, so that was a bummer, and Tyke hit me.  Tot still hits in frustration, but Tyke hasn't hit me in a loooong time.  I knew he was having those big feelings and whatever, he took it out on me.  Unfortunately my feelings were really big at that moment so I responded in anger too.  I had to deal with him and I was so frustrated because I knew it was all precipitated by the visit. 

Adding last nights' results and all those little disappointments on visit days to my big feelings and I realized I don't know anything and I hate that.  God will do what he will do, but I am out of the loop.

While I was alone I forced myself to pray for bio-mom again.  Through my tears and screaming I forced myself to pray for her. Then I pulled myself together a bit and I went to Tyke's room so we could talk it out.  I told him that Mommy S is trying to do a good job so she can bring him back to her home.  I told him she doesn't want to hurt him she wants to do good for him, and he cried.  I cried too.  I told him I loved him so much, that my love was so big and that I loved him just as much as I loved Cy and Liv and Baby and Tot.  He hugged me and cried. 


I hate meltdowns.  I am calm now.  Maybe He will let me keep them and I will never have to worry about them  being _____ again. If they go back I can't imagine how I will live with my fears.  I can't imagine how I will offer hope to anyone else, but I know that Jesus loves me and he loves my boys.  The Bible tells me so. 

Oh the Craziness

Well, Tot has been a real struggle for me.  He does things that any 2 year old would do, but he does them to such excess.

  On the way to church Wednesday night he actually got to sit in a row in the van by himself.  I am used to something starting with Tot and someone every time we try to go anywhere.  There appears to be hitting, screaming, and general trouble.  Well Wednesday night he was sitting all by himself.  He flailed, he writhed, he screamed, he flopped his arms all over until finally he whacked himself in the eye.  In the same tattle tale voice he uses to tell on whoever sits by him normally he said, "Momeeeeee, I hit myself in the eye!"  We all hid our laughter.  He had to have a disagreement with someone and with no one available he chose himself.


Yesterday I think Tot, cried, whined, screamed, stomped, and flailed more than he had calm moments.  He ran from me every time I called him for a diaper change, or nap, or to eat, or to help him get his shoes on.  I have been berating myself fiercely for not being more patient with Tot.  Today it hit me, I AM patient with him.  I am soooo patient, but I just don't have endless reserves.  In the afternoon he was happily playing outside for about 2 seconds.  I passed out cookies for snack (I am trying to use up all the fall treats we have been receiving in the mail from family members).  Tot shoved the entire thing in his mouth and then proceeded to point and sob and scream through the cookie because he didn't have a cookie!

At one point I got so upset because he was fighting me for a diaper change and I was trying to avoid a mess. He got corrected, but I knew, I mean I KNEW that he absolutely did not get it and the behavior was going to repeat itself.  Sometimes all he does is hold himself still.  Its deer in the headlights look and I know nothing is going in. I have to calm him down, get eye contact, try to simplify the message and 50% of the time or more I still don't think he gets it.  The reality is in that moment I still needed to get supper, pick up a crying baby, make sure Cy fed the chickens, supervise homework, stop Tyke from climbing the outside of the stair railing, and just finish the stinking diaper change.   I know Dr. Purvis, I am supposed to stop everything, take my time and get eye contact, and use gentle touch and a gentle voice, and increase his sense of "felt safety," but all I have time for (actually I don't really have time) is a quick poopy diaper change.  Those are the moments when I just desperately need a break and there is none to be had.

At some point I wised up and I cried out to God for help.  He answered me and the day calmed down a bit.  Today seems to be better.  Whew!  This stuff is hard hard hard.  I wish I could afford a babysitter and a break tonight.  Maybe after bedtime I will eat like 3 cookies in a row, with milk, and I won't allow myself to feel guilty.  Then I will rush to spend some alone time with my husband because he needs me too.

Jonah

You know the story of Jonah most likely.  A prophet of the Lord, he is told by God to go and tell and the evil city of Ninevah to change its ways or it will be destroyed.  Jonah doesn't want the job.  He runs away and gets swallowed up by a great fish after being thrown overboard (I am leaving out details obviously).  Jonah prays and 3 days later the fish chucks him out and God tells Jonah, "Go deliver my message" and Jonah does.  Then Jonah waits in anger for the Lord to deliver the punishment the people of Ninevah have coming.  He waits and gets angry with God.  God doesn't destroy the city, but shows mercy because the people repent due to Jonah's message.  Jonah is angry and God lets him know that he prefers mercy and Jonah should want the same.

Well, last night I realized something.  I am Jonah.  For the first time ever in hearing the Jonah story I actually sympathized with Jonah.  The people of Ninevah did evil things.  Bio-mom has done evil things.  They hurt the Israelites and for all we know they may have hurt some people Jonah himself cared very deeply for. Bio-mom has caused pain in 3 boys I love very much.  Then God has the audacity to ask Jonah to help deliver a message that would help this city get mercy instead of retribution.  God is asking me to pray for bio-mom and seek her salvation and redemption.  Jonah got mad and rejected God's request for awhile.  I got mad and ignored God's request for awhile.

I am still struggling here.  I wonder... Did Jonah think Yes God, I delivered your message.  Yes, they all appear to be repenting, but how do I know they won't behead anymore of my friends? They will just go back to their old ways. And their old ways were evil and full of violence and perversion.  Jonah had to question whether God could really set people free from that.  He had to question whether his message was ultimately going to cause more pain to those he loved, while God gave more time to the lost souls of Ninevah.

Jonah is so angry at being a part of God's mercy that he claims multiple times he would rather die.  I say that in my own way.  I know in my heart I would rather walk away from everything than be a part of sending the boys or any children back home to be further abused.  I have MAJOR trust issues here, but they aren't with her, they are with God.

As we read through Jonah last night and I heard all the usual responses of how wrong Jonah was I wanted to shout, "DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN JONAH IS IN???"  Letting go of certain atrocities to play a part in God bring forgiveness and redemption to certain people is no easy thing.  This man was a prophet, a man favored by the Lord of all heaven to communicate with, and he struggled with his sense of justice and God's sense of mercy. 

In the end we see that Jonah's struggle is futile.  God is a God of mercy and he rescues the people of Ninevah from themselves and he tries to do the same for Jonah's sinful attitude.  It is up to Jonah to decide whether he is willing to see things God's way, but that doesn't change God's Way.  No amount of pouting or shouting is going to change who He is

I am not going to stay an angry Jonah towards bio-mom.  This doesn't serve myself or my Father.  I am taking steps even though they hurt and even though I struggle with some cynicism.   My first step in reaching out was a little note and some pictures of the boys.  My next step in walking away from my Jonah attitude is my prayer.  I am praying for bio-mom's redemption and salvation.  I am praying for her with my heart and not just my lips ( I pray also that we would be able to adopt the boys because I do want them to stay here forever).  Today as the play therapist shared plans for partnering with bio-mom to help her turn things around I made a conscious choice to lay down my anger (after about 10-20 minutes of fretting.  I am not gonna lie here.)  Ultimately, I pray I will have the grace to promote and accept God's Way because there really is no other road to peace.

Following Through

It looks like this week's visit has been moved to tomorrow.  I am dressing the boys in their costumes from Hallelujah night at church.  I hope to get some picture printed to send along.  I am trying...

I was praying about that whole building a bridge thing and wondering how God could rebuild her life.  Right after my devotion came to my email.  My phone chimed and I opened the phone and saw the email entitled "Even Her."  Okay God, even her.

I am afraid.  A growing relationship with her could hurt the boys.  A relationship with her could hurt me.  I really don't want a relationship.  Ugh.  I am such a far cry from what God wants me to be.  For now I am going to pray for her and send her some pictures.

Is this right or is this nuts?  I can't decide.

Building a Bridge

During my last visit with the caseworker she mentioned several times that she thinks I should give pictures of the boys to bio-mom.  Initially I planned to do that and so much more, but as things came out it was like getting hit repeatedly by a ton of bricks.  I quickly lost interest in the idea of "keeping the love alive" or whatever I would be doing.

The caseworker says that she believes bio-mom may surrender if she can see how happy and well-adjusted the boys are.   She claims the pictures of Baby smiling made this big impact.  This is the same caseworker who told me just a couple months ago that bio-mom would never surrender.  The caseworker discussed bio-mom and myself spending some time together and she quickly got the idea I am not into having little unsupervised gatherings with bio-mom.  She then brought up sharing pictures.   This seems like a possiblity, but as I mentioned I just don't trust the caseworker at all.  In some strange way I feel like I am making myself vulnerable to some scheme if I do this. 

Weirdly enough, this past week I have felt an urge to reach out to bio-mom.  Then I think I'm crazy.  Just put in your head the worst things a parent can do to their child and you can get some idea of why I want NO contact.  But my pastor had to go and challenge us last week.  He asked, "Who in your life can you think of that you feel like God could never build a bridge between the two of you?  Yes, Our God is big enough even for that."  So during this part of the sermon I was thinking of bio-mom and I was like, God?  Surely not! Then Caseworker lady was all like, why don't you try to connect with her a little bit, and again I was like, GOD???  

I seriously don't know what God wants me to do for certain.  I need to pray for bio-mom more.  I am going to try and put together an album, but uploading the pics has not been working for 2 whole days! I know God forgives everything.  I know he loves her as much as he loves me.  I know that my sins are not somehow better than hers, but I am afraid of this woman.  I am afraid of her family, and I am afraid of somehow aiding in the continuation of abuse for these boys.

That's a lot of fear in the above paragraph.  Well, since God doesn't give me a spirit of fear, but one of love, power, and a sound mind, I think I'll keep fighting technology and try to make her a scrapbook.  It's a start, right?
 

3 Minutes in Court

I got the update late this afternoon.  The advocate let me know that court only lasted about 3 minutes.  Nothing was planned out.  They informed the court that bio-mom still wasn't meeting requirments and that they wanted to wait to file for tpr in early December.  The judge asked the advocate if that was acceptable and he said it was and the Judge replied, "See you all again in December." 

 The caseworker came to visit tonight.  She had told me she was coming this afternoon.  She showed up at about 7pm. When she got out of the car she talked to the boys in this strange overly cheerful voice.  She talked to me about all kinds of things.  Some of it case related and some not.  She shared how bio-mom was shocked that I could get Baby to smile.  I showed the caseworker all the pics in my phone of Baby grinning ear to ear.  Its not like a smile is an aberration Baby just doesn't like strangers. She talked about the election, her boyfriend, all kinds of stuff. 

The trust is gone.  I can't get it back.  I chatted and was friendly, but I just don't trust her anymore.  I think she tells whoever she is talking to what she thinks they want to hear and when she can't do that, she blames someone else instead of just being honest.  It felt weird the way she shared intimate details of her life and I had no desire to get all cozy with her and share anything.  These boys are at risk, huge risk, and she wants to sweep it under the rug like its no big deal and talk about her boyfriend?

I have no idea if this case will ever be terminated.  I have no idea if these boys will be sent back home.  If the caseworker cannot see the truth in front of her face than who else is there?  The advocate thinks they will file in December.  Well, I was informed they would file in September, and then October, and now December. 

At least the boys are here right now.   They are safe and happy and they know they are loved.

 Today did not start off so well though.  After the very rocky start to our day I took some advice I read on the Pearls of Price.  I remembered reading that sometimes she would have her twins start the day over when it started off badly.  Well the boys had to start their day over twice today, but eventually my sweet boys were back and the day with them turned out to be pretty sweet even compared to most days.  At least I had that today.

Urgent prayer for court this morning!!!

Court this morning... I got called and lied to by the caseworker yesterday.  She is blaming judge saying he doesn't want termination and they won't be doing anything for now.  Advocate told me specifically otherwise.  This was cooked up by bio-mom's attorney and DC$ just as I suspected.

They are trying to silence boys' advocate.  Boys' advocate is determined to speak up today and bring out ALL the evidence. 

Caseworker has told me the earliest they would do anything is December and even that is unlikely.  She claims bio-mom is probably innocent of the heinous abuses that Tyke talks about her doing. Its all surreal.  I found out there is some very old evidence putting DC$ in the wrong for ignoring childhood reported abuses of bio-mom.  DC$ does not want this coming out.

I wish I could write more, but I need to publish so at least some of you are praying.  Court this morning.  Pray for the advocate, the judge, and that the plans of the enemy would be thwarted.

Feeling Like a Fake

At church on Sunday I saw a woman who had just brought home 3 children from Ethiopia.  I felt prompted to go to her and so after a bit I did.  I complimented her beautiful children and congratulated her on the completion of the adoption.  She looked at me for a moment with a deer in the headlights face.  She asked, "Does it get better?!" 

That statement prompted a long discussion between the 2 of us.  I shared about my own experiences and those of my girlfriend who adopted 3 from the Congo.  I shared about some of your experiences that I have read.  Yes, it does get better, but it isn't easy by any stretch..  It was a very God-prompted conversation between the 2 of us I am sure.

She spoke to me like I was an adoptive mom, and in part I answered like an adoptive mom, but I reminded her several times that we still face the possibility of the loss of our boys.  It was great to encourage and be encouraged and that is what I took away from the conversation immediately.

As I reviewed the conversation later in my mind I had this feeling of being a fraud.  I may never be an adoptive mom!  At some point I may be to this woman, to everyone else, and to myself, someone who almost adopted.  I may never have these kids, they may go back, I just don't know what will happen.  A deep frustration tugged inside me.  I have said repeatedly that this is it.  I cannot love and lose again.  I cannot put my children, my marriage, and myself through the deep agonies of the adoptive birth process again.  Even knowing that, I have begun to identify more with the adoptive families in our church.  I feel a deep sense of understanding and belonging with them.  Forgive me for saying this, but I don't want to lose that either.

Is that terribly evil?  I don't know, but I think it is the realization that the loss of the ability to adopt takes away more than these children.  It will affect everything about our lifestyle.  There are several areas where I have begun to identify and feel comfortable with and even embrace as our new identity as a family.  We are a potentially adoptive family, we are a multi-racial family, we are a large family, and we are a house full of boys.  I am not sure I can convey myself accurately here.  I don't just fear losing our boys, I fear a loss of identity.

  There are so many things that still need to come together for me to be anything other than an "almost-was"  and presuming to be more than that and even presenting myself to others that way leaves me feeling like a fake.

It's one of those days...

It's one of those days were all three little boys are dysregulated.

 Baby follows me and cries. He gets picked up and is demanding. Eventually I put him down. Then he follows me and cries some more.  The cherry on the cake... during his current fit he just flailed his head and banged it on the table.  This round started because I wouldn't let him take my kindle.

Tot is angry and hitting today.  He wants to fight.  I hate those days.  We work through things the same way we always do and I think it is going to be okay, but then something in him has to push it farther.  He hits me, he hits someone else, steals a toy, kicks the dog.  I see his thought process... I am not done with this yet.  I want this to go farther.  WHY!?  I don't understand the pushing for more consequences.  I really don't.

Tyke is in a good mood... sort of.  He is in a flipping banging mood.  He threw himself down the stairs today after I warned him not to be flopping and flipping on the stairs.  The play therapist was here and saw the whole thing.  He walked up to the stairs and I think tried to somersault down them.  It didn't even raise my heartrate.  Its just one of those days.

Lately Liv has been ticked off at the world.  If the pattern continues she will probably be a mess after school too.  I pray she is okay.

Do Not Worry

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own

It is so easy to get caught up in the worry of wondering what will happen when you are involved with foster care.  Today, God reminded me that I need to put worry away from me.  I can't change anything that is happening or not happening in the case by stressing and worrying about it.  My worry affects only me.  I recalled that if the boys were anywhere else I would be relieved for the break and chance to get things done.  So during today's visit I set aside my worry and got to doing all that needs doing in my home.  I can only do what I can do, the rest is up to the Lord and his timing.

Yoga and Baby

I decided to try some yoga even though my little men were still awake because I am crazy like that.  I hear it is supposed to help my back.  It seems like an awful lot of breathing and relaxing if you ask me.  I am not sure how that is supposed to get me into shape. 

I was stretching into these interesting positions and Baby was just so excited to see me doing these strange moves, and he couldn't resist involving himself as I tried to stretch and contort.  He crawled over my stomach, my chest, and my face at different points.  I was laying down with my arms stretched out and he crawled up and laid his head on my chest saying, "Awwww."  I guess he thought we were hugging.   At another point he beat on my bottom with his pudgy hands as I attempted what is called a downward dog (the visual would be my bottom way up and my head way down). Toward the end you are supposed to cover up your eyes and breathe and relax.  Baby crawled over and pulled the cover off my eyes saying, "Ah - Ah!" This is his version of peek-a-boo.  I just started laughing.  At this point the game was on.  Baby kept covering up my face again to play peek-a-boo.  He literally crawled over my face.  I tried to "relax" as I was kneed and kissed and generally slobbered on.  I don't think I successfully relaxed, but I did have a good laugh.

The way I see it Yoga will be good for me if I get over my back issues or if I have a good laugh everyday.