Screaming and Upcoming Court Date...

Oh screaming, how I hate thee.

  I have learned about butterfly hugs from Tyke's therapist and they help him through disappointments, by helping him to self-soothe, but I have another issue that I could use some good ideas for.

Today, Tyke was screaming about going to bed.  DH and I have just decided this weekend that it is not fair to Tot, to be forced to sleep in a room with someone who will scream for 20-30 minutes about bedtime because eventually he joins in as well.  No, I am not saying cry, I am saying scream.  So we warn Tyke 2x usually that if he does not stop we will be taking Tot to our room so at least Tot can nap.  Tyke does not stop (otherwise why would I need ideas?) and then we take Tot out.  Now, let's go ahead and take screaming and nearly double the decibel level and add gurgling choking noises coming from him as he attempts to permanently turn his face a beautiful shade of purple.  I go in and tell him to stop and calm down, he does for 3 minutes and then restarts.  I go in and lower my voice (so I sound like a man) and I order him to stop.  He does... for 3 minutes.  I go in and do a strange version of butterfly taps on each shoulder, and he calms down for 3 minutes.  Since the start of naptime this has taken 45 minutes.  When I ignore the behavior he gets out of bed and comes out of the room screaming, or just destroys the room.  Eventually, eventually, eventually, he gives up and goes to sleep.

What I am describing actually is not daily (anymore).  This is a random behavior.  I am certain something is triggering it, but what?  We have worked hard to make naptime and bedtime a positive and matter of fact experience.

What if I just leave him up?  Well, then the clingy, manipulative, demanding, violent behaviors come back with a vengeance and no one in the house is safe.  No really, it's not safe.

I have thought about rocking or butterfly hugging him to sleep, but for him holding is something that actually increases demanding behaviors.  It is the opposite with Tot.  If you hold Tot he calms within a few minutes and wants to get down and go.

So what do I do?  Does anyone have experience with this?  What did you do?


Now for the upcoming stuff part.  There is a hearing on the Tuesday, the28th and visits with bio-Mom were also cancelled until the 28th due to more information coming to light.  The last time we had 3 boys a hearing resulted in our boys being ordered to be split up and sent to questionable family members.  Many of Tyke's ramblings about abuse involve family members other than Mom so kinship care is something that terrifies me for them.   I am praying for wisdom for the judge and for all parties involved to do what is right.  Mostly, I am praying for the boys protection.  For you praying types out there,  please pray with me?

The boys are here...

I was able to pick up the boys late Tuesday afternoon, but things have been busy since then.  At the end of the day when we still hadn't heard for sure if I was to pick up the boys, the Foster Mom caring for the boys, called me because she was having a panic attack.  I immediately prayed for her and I prayed that someone from the state would call.  The poor woman was sure she could not do another night with them, and I believed her.

Shortly thereafter the caseworker called and I was able to go get the boys.  When I walked up to the door their stuff was on the other foster Mom's front porch ready to be loaded in the car.  The boys were in their coats, and Baby was in his car seat waiting by her front door.  She was so ready for them to go.

When I saw the boys they smiled instantly and seemed ready to get out of there themselves.  I had already decided what I would say, "Did you like your babysitter?"  Tyke said he did, and smiled a bit, but he looked angry off and on and Baby did not smile for an hour, which is not like him.  He is a smiley little guy, but I think all of the screaming probably shocked him.  Tot was ready to smile and play right from the start.

This is the part where I tell you my husband rocks.  We were told to expect them to be traumatized and difficult.  My sweet husband treated them like it was exactly the same as it was the day before they left.  He had one of them in timeout for disobeying within the first 5 minutes.  I probably would have been upset with him, but you should have seen how it calmed them down.

DH saying " You DO NOT go outside without my permission do you understand?"

Tot, who was screaming, stops and very calmly says, "Uh huh."

Later DH saying to Tyke, "You DO NOT throw a fit for food, I am bringing it to the table."

Tyke responding, "OK, I luh you!"

DH says very matter of factly, "I love you too, but no fits."

So I took his cue and we went from there.  The boys went to bed without problems and slept a long time.  Life continues on and everyday the violence is diminishing. 

We had therapy for Tyke yesterday, and lots of pain from his past was revealed.  I thank the Lord he may that boy such a talker for a 2 year old.  He has no guile so he just spilled so much while he pounded play doh and tried to stick it in his mouth. After hearing so much of it and realizing I will probably hear more, I am more committed to these boys than ever.  All of us have a new belief in this process and in God's plan being perfect whatever that may be.

This feels like a soap opera!

No seriously, does the saga never end!?  Well, yesterday I was told, no they are staying with me, and then later in the day I was told yes, they are leaving. 

I pulled myself together and I dropped the boys off at their new home.  It was an older couple in a much smaller home, with little to no preparation evident for these boys.  They seemed nice enough, but they looked scared to death. 

I cried all night.  Tears ran out of my eyes even when I was just sitting there not making a sound.  My DH was being sweet and took us out to eat.  I sobbed when the plate was placed in front of me.  Eating felt like moving on.  It felt wrong.  When we got home I burst into tears again.  The house was strewn with toddler toys, a bumbo seat, a swing, pack and plays, blankets, sippy cups, and bottles.  I cleaned like mad for an hour straight.  I did not want to wake up and bawl like I did the minute I walked in my door.  I was just trusting God because, after all, He is the one in control.

This morning I got a call from the new foster mom before 9am.  "These boys have to leave," she said. She told me all about their behaviors and how they cried for me all night.  She never got any sleep, the poor woman, and neither did the boys.

Then I got a call.  "Will you take the boys back?"  I said of course I would.  I did not want to give up on them and I love those little guys.  When the worker told me why the boys were removed I was shocked.  It was not for anything near the reason I thought.  I guess they thought I called up the chain to complain about this awful placement.  I have never spoken to anyone other than the boys worker about the boys staying or going.   Where did this come from?  The soap opera thing again!

 I was told 4 hours ago to wait for the caseworker's call and then the boys could be returned.  Here I am waiting... AGAIN.  I am wondering if for some reason they are still doing whatever they can to keep the boys from coming here.  Maybe they don't believe me about not calling up the chain?  I am surprised I haven't heard from them yet.  So tomorrow I will update this little soap opera and I will let ya'll know what is up because at this point I have no idea. 

God is in control, God is in control, God is in control!  It's going to be my Foster Mommy mantra.

Always Waiting

It seems like with Foster Care you are always waiting.  Currently I am waiting for my boys to leave. I called the caseworker today and she said yes, the boys were leaving and they were being placed in a home near us.  I even offered to drive them when she said her schedule was very full and her vehicle was small.  I am more of a pull the band aid off quickly kind of girl, so I just want to get this over with. 

After I offered I was told that the home hadn't actually agreed to take them yet.  Good Grief!  So I am packing the boys and keeping my emotions at bay.  I am the one that freaked out and said I couldn't do it.  This is my doing, and no one else's.  Its so frustrating that all these pieces fell into place since Friday with the boys' behaviors.  I am finally figuring out the code to this puzzle and it had to be after I threw in the towel. 

I suppose I learned a lesson.  I was listening to these people I really care about telling me, "It's okay if you can't do this," and saying things like, "You know what you need to do."  When I feel like I am at my wits end I often come up with my best solutions, because I become an investigator, but I did not think of that this time.

Well, everything happens for a reason so here I am again... Waiting.  I will wait for them to leave, and then if we stay foster parents I will wait for a placement, then I will wait for medical appointments, and visitations, and court dates, and caseworker visits, and reunifications or terminations.  I will spend my life waiting, but so far with every set of children we have cared for I will say that they are worth it.  Tyke, Tot, and Baby are worth all the waiting and I have to believe if the Lord wants me to continue it is because I will feel the same way about whoever he brings through our door.

Things I won't miss...
15+ diapers a day, biting and scratching, manipulative affection.
Things I will miss...
Tyke saying, "I love you Mom!"  We started out with him calling me Foster Mom, or Momma Mandy, but he wanted to call me what the older kids called me and eventually both boys were always calling for, "Mooooooom!"

Tot, curled up on my lap pointing to anything and everything and saying, "Nook at dat!" 

Baby babbling everytime anyone talked to him.  He is a talker.

Not Sure What Will Happen

   Well, I couldn't do it.  I called the caseworker this morning and said, I will participate in intense therapy with Tyke and do everything I can do to try and keep these boys together and not force another move on them.  On the way to the therapists for an in office assessment this morning Tyke kept saying, "Moooom, I love you Mom, I love you Mom."  I just can't give up on him.
  I told the caseworker I wanted to give the in home therapy 2 more weeks and see how things are going at that point.  The caseworker was glad for my willingness to work on it and happy they would not have to transition.  She later got a text from her supervisor saying the boys will in fact be moved.  The caseworker is going to try and talk the supervisor out of it I think.  She would rather they stay here.

My feelings are that God may be moving them in spite of my "never give up" heart.  Its just how I am.  I just can't give up if there is anything left to try, so maybe they will leave and maybe they won't.  I don't really feel like I have a sure feeling either way.  It is in the Lord's hands at this point.

Today the caseworker was here as well as two persons from the therapist's office for an in-home assessment.  There were 4 adults and it was pandemonium.  The boys were climbing all over the assessors invading personal space, hitting, demanding, whining, manipulating for attention, throwing fits for food, and running out the door, while the baby cried to be held.  My children were nowhere to be seen.  They spent time in the basement watching tv AGAIN trying to avoid all the chaos.  So if my home cannot have some semblance of peace and order with 4 adults to wrangle 2 traumatized kids then maybe their leaving is for the best.  Maybe there is a family out there who is perfect to care for these boys and they will know the perfect words and actions to help the boys to grow and cope.  I am definitely doubting they can get that here. 

Failure

I feel like a failure right now.  I had to call the caseworker and ask her to remove Tyke today.  She told me that this means most likely all 3 will be removed.  I told her I knew that, but it makes me very sad.  I don't want that at all, I don't even want Tyke to leave.  I wanted to be able to help him through his fear and anger, but the level of violence and anger in the home is just more than I can handle any longer.  Every suggestion from DCS for discipline involves me turning my back on the others and giving the offender ALL of my attention and I cannot turn my back on 4 other children all the time.  It is creating an atmosphere of chaos.

Tot's behaviors have gotten worse as Tyke has taken more and more of the attention from him. He is screaming more, hitting more, kicking more, and crying all the time unless I am holding his hand.  Tot's desires are simple.  He wants to play with toys, dance in the kitchen, and be by my side as much as possible, but I can't give him these simple things with all the drama going on. 

Tyke never got to be the baby.  He desperately needs to be somebody's cherished baby.  All of his best behaviors have happened when no one else is around to "compete" with and all the worst have happened when he wants attention.  Tyke was not even a month old when Tot was conceived.  Add to that all of the abuse and he is one very angry and overlooked boy.  Now the same behaviors are coming from Tot because he too has to be set aside all of the time to deal with Tyke's outbursts.  I am worried for Baby as well.  I have to put him down over and over and over to deal with acting out from both Tyke and Tot.  This is at a time in his life when he is learning to trust and learning that his needs will be met.  I fear he is next in line to be angry.  My lap is not big enough for 3 boys that need it so much and I only have 2 arms.

I am praying for the Lord's will.  He alone knows if it is best for these boys to be together or separate.  I expect all 3 will be leaving me by Monday and I am broken because of the loss.  These boys need better than me I guess.  I hope the Lord can find that for them.  I am trusting the Lord here because its all I have.  I am not the best home for Tyke and I am so disappointed in myself right now.

Manipulation

First off, the interview yesterday did not work out.  Essentially Tyke has to be able to sit down calmly for an interview, without me, and say who, what, where and when.  He is 2!!!!  He can say who and he can say what, but sitting still with strangers is NOT going to happen.  Sad about that.  We have appointment with therapist next Monday.  She is going to do her best to document all she suspects for the judge before the 28th.  So, more praying and praying going on here.

One thing I am learning is that affection can be a form of manipulation.  I mean, I have read about it, but reading about something and experiencing it is totally different.  Imagine a beautiful 2 year old wants to crawl on your lap and snuggle.  Sounds good, right?  Somehow it turns into something you MUST do when they want.  If you hold someone else or sit close to someone else that same beautiful 2 year old doesn't just have a typical sibling jealous action, they rage.  I tend to read it as, You must see to my needs first, you must meet my needs first, I am in charge here.  This is something I have been working with Tyke on and now Tot to some extent too. They have very similar reactions to my handing others food before them, others having food after them, or even my taking too long to cook.

It is amazing what these attempts at manipulation can trigger in me sometimes.  My breathing gets faster, my heart rate goes up, I want to do something!  I am having my own fight or flight reaction to their outbursts. Usually, I just breathe for a bit and then I remind simply, redirect, or go for a time in.

The really interesting part is that sometimes this is occurring all at once.  Sometimes I can't calm myself enough before the next outbursts.  Like yesterday, an outburst occurred over our now locked pantry (note... he already knows it is locked now.  This was not a new thing). This was by no means the first outburst of the morning so I started triggering.  I forced myself to slow my walk and slow my breathing.  Just go and deal calmly Mandy,  and then the little darling shoves the baby swing over causing it to land on my babysitter and the baby who is in her arms.  Fight or Flight is on high here.  Best course of action?  I swing that boy up, race him upstairs, telling him he cannot do that.  I open his door and put him in his room and quickly shut the door.  I know he needs me, I know he is freaking out, but I know that the best thing for him is if I calm down.  So I stand there holding the door breathing and praying.  I holler through the door a few times that he is safe and he is in his safe room (he has no idea how true this is at that moment). A few minutes later I open the door.  I tell him I love him, but that he may not throw a fit and that no hurts are allowed here.  My voice was VERY firm.  Tyke calmed down very quickly, said sorry, and that was that.

Even with all the prayer, the training, the book reading, and even mentors, I am still learning as I go here.  I don't take well to being manipulated, but I know that is how these babes survived.  I am trying to appreciate that fact.  I have to shake off the attitude that I can get toward them after a couple hours of outbursts. It is what I will call my flight attitude.  I just feel done with them.   It seems that it is always after these days that I run into people who ask me, "How's it going?"  It is all I can do to only complain lightly and keep my face from looking pure angry.  I cannot locate the area of my brain that can share how cute they are when the play with hats.  How they love to dance with me to the radio, and that it feels good to have kids that will eat everything on their plate without complaint.

A good friend told me yesterday that she admires foster parents because they take on children knowing full well they are probably bringing kids into their house they won't like for a while, but they will love them anyway because they were called by God to this mission.  It was a good reminder for me to watch my heart.  God didn't promise me roses and sunshine.  He called me to this mission to obey and love these kids.

I am going to try something new.  The next time anyone asks me how it is going I am going to say 3 good things first.  Maybe that will change my attitude before I forget that I need to speak life over these babies.

Some Progress

I know I have complained a lot.  This has been really hard.  I just want to take a moment to say Thank You Lord!  There are some things going right.

• The boys have shared food with one another of their own free will.
• My older 2 are playing well with Tot and Tyke.
• Baby is on a good feeding and sleep schedule and is a very happy little guy.
• We actually ate out as a family today (That took some interesting managing, but it worked!)
• The boys have stopped trying to claw one another's eyes out every 15 minutes.
• We successfully went to church today and the boys actually spent 30 minutes in the church nursery without me.
• Bedtime is almost an easy affair now... Almost.

I am just so grateful for all the prayers.  Things are improving.  I hope and pray they continue that way.

If you could pray... Tyke has an interview tomorrow with a professional that will help him talk about some of the newer allegations that have come up.  At just 2 years old he alone has the most control over whether or not he will be able to be protected from those who would abuse him.  He can talk (in a very two year old way) and he has talked to me quite a bit. I am just praying he opens up tomorrow and it all comes out.  Please pray for Tyke.  I hate for him to have to relive it as I see him starting to blossom, but if he can't recount it to the right people than he could be put right back in harm's way again.

Trauma Triggers

Tyke and Tot have some trauma triggers that will send them in a spiral of acting out screaming, and otherwise making me feel like I am living in bedlam.  Here are a few:

• Small rooms
• Strangers
• Seeing food
• Seeing dishes
• Diaper changes
• Naptime
• Me holding/rocking someone else.

I am doing the best I can, but I must cook, they have to go to bed, I have to hold the baby, and I must change diapers.  Oh yes, and when you are involved with child services there is a plethora of strangers that want to "talk" to the little dumplings and it seems all things involved with Child Services so far involve us going into a small room.

Currently they are upstairs screaming.  Naptime lasted all of 20 minutes.   I don't think they slept.  I am just taking a moment so I can go in with a smile and patience.  I have NEVER needed more patience in my life.

I have read Mama Foster's blog where she goes and looks back over the last year and can see the growth and change in "Lizzie."  Yep, I can't wait for some of that.

My caseworker is awesome!

So I have a different caseworker and she seems to be awesome.  She genuinely cares about the boys and is concerned for their well being.

Here are some reasons she is awesome!

• She listened to me and valued my input.
• She is working hard to get us the resources we need to help the boys.
• She has put a stop to all visits until the next hearing because she can see it is causing harm.
• She is increasing the boys' score to reflect the fact that the actual needs of the children.
• She is actually keeping me in the loop on the development of the case.

So I just want to say a giant WOOHOO! for this woman. I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to know she is in our corner.  My husband said the same thing.  It is hard enough to deal with all of the effects of trauma, but it becomes nearly impossible when you feel ignored or condescended to.  Even though the issues are the same the weight that has been lifted is gigantic.

If any of you have been praying for our family and these boys, thank you, thank you, thank you!  I can only hope your prayers will help the judge to have wisdom at the hearing on February 28th.

And then God reminds me how much they need me...

Tyke let me know about another aspect of his life last night that completely dumbfounded me.   In that moment my bad day was nothing compared to the life he has led.  It was like God was telling me to stop thinking how hard this all was for me.  These boys have had few if any easy days.

Tyke has his bone scan and it was awful how terrified he was and it made me cry.  I don't want him to feel like big people are hurting him ever again.  I cried a little with him.  He would pull himself together and lay his head on me and then they would ask him to do another picture, and he would completely fall apart.  Poor baby.

I am thankful I have an awesome caseworker now.  She seems so concerned and wants to protect these boys.  The Lord is over all of this and I feel more at peace today...  I know these boys were rescued.  I just want them to stay rescued.

I had to come back and edit this post.  These boys don't need me they need the Father.  I am not up to this task, but He is.

Changes

You may notice some changes in pictures on this site.  I have to protect my family and any foster children that come.  I felt the current pictures made us easily identifiable and also make it hard for me to be honest about the reality of things.  I will try to get more pictures up soon.

Here is one with me holding Baby's hand.  Oh how sweet he is.

Today has been awful.  There is so much I need to get done, but I just need to let it all go here.  The house is finally quiet.  The boys have seemed very volatile since a visit with Mom on Friday.  Just when I thought I had it figured out how to get them off to sleep with a minimum of screaming and raging we are back to 45 minute sessions again.

I feel bad for them, but with 3 children under 3 alternately and together filling every single waking moment with dysfunctional behavior I am feeling ragged.  The weird thing is I love them so much already.  I never want them to go back.  The things that I suspect they have suffered... Well, I won't even post them here, but they are horrendous.  I can therapeutically parent all day long, but I don't have 3 of me and I don't want to be angry with them, but I feel it from time to time.

It's like,  Can you just STOP?  Stop raging, stop hitting, stop biting, stop trying to hurt the baby, stop trying to hurt whoever is in arms reach, stop freaking out if you even see a spoon that makes you think of food.  STOP!
I know they can't because they are little and someone or many someones did pure evil to them, but this Mama needs some peace.

It's my husband and son's birthday and I can't even get time to bake a cake or wrap a present.  There isn't enough of me left to make their day special and I am sad about that.

So God, could you help me?  Since I am not enough and you are more than enough can you come in here and rescue this day?  I need you Father.  I always knew I couldn't do this without you and today is proving it in triplicate.  Lord, come and soothe these boys, bless my husband and son, and give me some strength and joy for this day.
Amen

Need to Vent

If you are dreaming of going into foster care and you are imagining the warmth of loving a child in need I want to present a real picture of what that can look like.  Here is what it looks like currently.  Caution... This post contains strong words!

I will preface this by saying I have been a foster parent before and never have I cared for more traumatized children.  Never.

On food issues...

•   Even taking an empty plate away sends them into a spiral.
• They try to eat things that aren't food
• They will pick at anything that falls to the floor.
• There is screaming for more at every meal.
• There is eating until vomiting.

On terror issues...

• There are obvious physical marks of abuse on them.
• They are terrified to be left alone.
• They are terrified of new people.
• They are terrified of a hairbrush (Explanation: I got a hairbrush to do my daughter's hair.  They saw it and spiraled down from there).
• I can't even possibly write all they are terrified of.

There is violence... Yes, violence with a 1 and 2 year old.

• They attack eachother with fists and nails and teeth.
• They will attack me (although not as much now).
• They will take on a full grown man.  There is nothing but sheer terror and fight or flight happening.
• They hold toy guns to your head or each other when they are mad.  "I will kill you!"

The things they say...

• I will hit you!
• I will shoot you!
• I'm a little shit.
• My ________ is a Stupid Bastard
• My Momma slaps me.
• Don't touch that baby I hit you with a phone!

So far, I have heard "the system" plans to send them to a family member next week.  Although this family member has a criminal history and is in close contact with the family members that have done so much harm.  She may have even done some harm herself if Tyke is right in his ramblings.  Still, I can't feel upset about it. Family has to be given priority. I have gotten the brush off every time I try to bring up that there are more issues than the hospitalized baby.  The nice doctor who got to meet the boys yesterday and deal with the reality of that terror all trapped in one room told me he plans to call the hotline and report the additional issues he sees.  I thank God for him and hope he follows through.  I was instructed specifically NOT to call the hotline to report any more issues because with Tyke being so young these things cannot be proven.  So the way I understand it is.  Until you are old enough to tell a grown up specifically who is hurting you and why, you cannot be protected.

I am glad they are here and safe for now.  It is a lot of work, but someone has to take up their cause.  Please, please, please pray for these boys.  I am afraid they will send them back.  The scars, and marks, and desperate cries for help will all be ignored by "the system" that was designed to protect them.

I know as a foster parent before that you can "advocate" at the top of your lungs and sometimes be punished for it.  But I also know that God is above all.  He is over all, and that these boys' angels see the face of the Father as the Bible says.  Would you please pray with me?  Can we please cover these boys in prayer together?

Progressing

Well, life is nuts here of course.  The boys are so tiny and so hurt.  I was able to pick up the baby from ICU yesterday.  He is doing well in spite of everything and he is even grinning at me right now.  I wish you could see him.  You would cry.  The marks.... They break my heart.

So we have just been so blessed by friends.  We have 2 cribs and a pack and play set up.  We have been giving clothing, diapers, wipes, meals, bottles, formula, bedding, baby food, car seats, high chairs, booster seats, and more.  I am so blessed by the love people are showing for these boys.

The system is hard.  I do not know if someone will be getting these boys tomorrow, in two weeks, or not for a very long time.

"Baby", is so sweet.  He's actually a very easy baby.  He loves to smile and get a smile back.  He fusses when he is hungry or tired.

"Tot" the 1 year old has a sweet and tender side, but he can attack ferociously too.  He loves to be cuddled and he always says "No" even when he means yes.  For example... "Tot, do you want me to pick you up?"

    "No!"  and he walks toward me with his arms raised.

"Tyke" the 2 year old is mad.  He wants to cuddle and laugh and dance.  Then he catches himself.  His grief is the most fierce.  He understands enough to know that none of this makes any sense.  He has marks too and some pretty graphic language for such a tiny little guy.  He has seen a lot and been through a lot.

Baby, Tot, and Tyke are so much work, but I am glad they are here and safe.  That's what we tell Tyke when the grief is strongest.  We tell him we love him and that he is safe. There is court tomorrow.  I don't want these babies just shoved to the next "free" place.  They need to be protected. Please pray for them, and that the Lord will give the judge great wisdom and that all that has happened will be brought to the light...   and please pray for me as well.  5 kids this young is a lot, but I know the Lord brought them here.