Building a Bridge

During my last visit with the caseworker she mentioned several times that she thinks I should give pictures of the boys to bio-mom.  Initially I planned to do that and so much more, but as things came out it was like getting hit repeatedly by a ton of bricks.  I quickly lost interest in the idea of "keeping the love alive" or whatever I would be doing.

The caseworker says that she believes bio-mom may surrender if she can see how happy and well-adjusted the boys are.   She claims the pictures of Baby smiling made this big impact.  This is the same caseworker who told me just a couple months ago that bio-mom would never surrender.  The caseworker discussed bio-mom and myself spending some time together and she quickly got the idea I am not into having little unsupervised gatherings with bio-mom.  She then brought up sharing pictures.   This seems like a possiblity, but as I mentioned I just don't trust the caseworker at all.  In some strange way I feel like I am making myself vulnerable to some scheme if I do this. 

Weirdly enough, this past week I have felt an urge to reach out to bio-mom.  Then I think I'm crazy.  Just put in your head the worst things a parent can do to their child and you can get some idea of why I want NO contact.  But my pastor had to go and challenge us last week.  He asked, "Who in your life can you think of that you feel like God could never build a bridge between the two of you?  Yes, Our God is big enough even for that."  So during this part of the sermon I was thinking of bio-mom and I was like, God?  Surely not! Then Caseworker lady was all like, why don't you try to connect with her a little bit, and again I was like, GOD???  

I seriously don't know what God wants me to do for certain.  I need to pray for bio-mom more.  I am going to try and put together an album, but uploading the pics has not been working for 2 whole days! I know God forgives everything.  I know he loves her as much as he loves me.  I know that my sins are not somehow better than hers, but I am afraid of this woman.  I am afraid of her family, and I am afraid of somehow aiding in the continuation of abuse for these boys.

That's a lot of fear in the above paragraph.  Well, since God doesn't give me a spirit of fear, but one of love, power, and a sound mind, I think I'll keep fighting technology and try to make her a scrapbook.  It's a start, right?