We are moved and settling in to our new home. I have been dealing with a lot of junk coming from Chi. I knew there would be regression, but this has been difficult. On the positive side of things, these difficulties drive me to my knees. God has been hearing from me a lot lately.
In very exciting news the appellate court upheld the lower court's ruling concerning termination of parental rights. I squealed with joy when I saw the decision. Knowing they will never go back, continues to relieve my spirit. We just wait for the lawyers to finish things up and we can move onward to adoption. I am so ready for that next step.
We already had the caseworker do a visit in our new home. I don't know why, but I feel so encroached upon. Our caseworker is so kind. She is really nothing but nice to us, but she is a reminder that the boys belong to someone else. She is a reminder that everything is uncertain until the adoption decree is signed. I almost start to feel like this is a done deal and a sure thing and then... its time for more dc$ stuff.
This next part is hard for me to write. I feel like I have to justify it somehow... We are hiring my sister on as a nanny to live in the guesthouse behind this house. It helps her situation out and it helps us as well. We may have hired someone even if it couldn't be her. I know I am at a distressing point of burnout. The move has not helped. Ryan and I always have to be available for Chi and Obie. We always have to be "on." They do not handle shifting caregivers well. Obie can go from mature and helpful and sweet to manipulative and destructive as soon as he is left with caregivers besides us. Chi always struggles accepting change, but he goes straight back to constant screaming at any and all stimuli as soon as his little world gets rocked by any change.
My sister is used to working with other little boys from similar trauma pasts with similar ways of functioning. She came to help as we were moving in and Obie tried his usual tricks on her. She was ready. Obie told her as we were outside, "I don't like you! You are mean like my Mom!" I had to laugh when I found out about that. My Obie-man is used to being able to work his caregivers. When I asked him about it, he said he liked Aunty, but she didn't give him enough cookies. Too funny. Could I hang on without help? Yes, but God has worked things out so I don't have to go this alone and I am so grateful.
There is a deep loneliness that comes from moving AGAIN (This is move number 10). I look out the windows of my home and I feel isolated. I feel the chore of having to reconnect again. I am getting too old for this. Yesterday as Chi reached a frenzied level of over-stimulation and proceeded to lose his mind in the Target checkout line, I realized that every new relationship will have to be a relationship that wants to deal with our large and unique family dynamic. That's quite an investment. I know God is good. I know he will send me relationships, but I am so glad to know my sister is coming and I will not be alone.
