Urgent...

Please pray!

My good friend is in the Congo right now.  She and her husband are adopting a sibling group of 3.  They have gone through one terrible "delay" after another trying to get these children home.  What they were told was a 6 - 9 month process is now at 2 years.  Their agency appears to be crooked (but that's another story).  Anyway, my friend managed to push through all the barriers and get there and get her kids.

The kids have ringworm and parasites for sure, and probably more issues going on.  The place she is staying is the "nice" place and I was told the conditions would be condemned here in the US.  She herself is now getting ill and she has been told the final paperwork is going to be delayed again.  Her husband stayed home with their other 3 children, so she is alone with 3 children in a challenging situation.


As we foster and adoptive parents of older children know these children also come with issues and she is getting to experience them all from not 1 child, but 3 (a 6 year old and twin 4 year olds), and no one told these babies they should wait until they hit American soil to begin the traumatized children behaviors.  She is an amazing woman, so she is hanging on, but she needs her support system around her. 

She has a travel partner and he is bringing a sibling group of 2 home.  His papers are complete and he is able to leave and she is not.  It would not be good for her to be in country alone, but with 3 excited and confused children it would be a nightmare. 

She burst into tears when they told her she would not be able to leave with her travel partner.  They responded by calling in a favor and they have a meeting with someone who may be able to "find" and push her paperwork through tomorrow so she can leave at the same time as the others. 

I am so grateful I got to speak with her tonight.  When she gets home and is able to "recover" she will still only be beginning this journey.  Please pray for her.

SMILE

I have been grouchy.  I have been tired.  I have been complaining.  Life and death is in the tongue.  I know 'cause the Bible tells me so.  My tongue has been inappropriate at times here lately.

I was trying to figure out how to snap out of my funk!  I read James 3 and had the revelation that I had to stop speaking so negatively, but the tongue is a result of the heart, so I needed to trace this farther back.

In my communications class in college one of the first things they taught us was that a large part of how we communicate comes through our body language. 

One of the biggest changes in me over the past 6 months is that I don't smile half as much as I used to.  I am communicating, with my tongue and sometimes with my face, I am complaining about my circumstances.

One of the things I learned with Tyke was when he was really dysregulated I could help him by asking him to smile.  When Tyke was focused on smiling he could not continue whatever negative thought pattern was causing the dysfunctional behaviors.  If it worked for Tyke, why not me?

Yesterday I decided I was going to smile even if there was no good reason for it. I started smiling and I caught myself in negative thought patterns.  If I was going to maintain the smile I had to come up with reasons for it. I had to toss the negativity.  I actually felt really happy!  We had such a great day as a family and I liked being in this family.

So those of you that know me, if you see me grinning stupidly, its because I am going to hang onto my joy!  I am going to SMILE!

A Birthday

Tyke turned 3!  

He was in love with the presents and cake and attention.  

He got a new bike helmet and  put it on instantly!

It was backward.

He sounds so mature as he says to Tot, "Dese are mine, Uh -K?!  No touch, Uh- K?!"  

I am fairly certain this was his first HAPPY birthday.  He just continued to smile through every part of the celebration.  I got lots of fantastic pictures without even trying because I never had to ask him to smile.

Love that boy.

A Package Deal

Why in the world does it have to be so hard to try and do anything with toddlers! The screaming and fit throwing and hitting and button pushing are just too much.
 I want to be able to experience life with these boys and it seems all I get to do is protect everyone from them, or I protect them from themselves.

I want to take them out and about but everything is going to be a power struggle, intermixed with food anxieties, and acting out little portions of past abuses.

It is difficult to be in this place.  I hear the cries of the forgotten who want a family of their own.  I want to be there and make the big difference, but on many days I know that this job is kicking my butt.

The SELFLESSNESS that is required to do this work does not come gift wrapped when these children walk into our homes.  The soul searching, and prayer, and desperation that come with this lifestyle don't even guarantee the selflessness a parent will need to foster and adopt these children. 

I pray and pray and pray, and I still struggle with an anger I can feel to my fingertips when one of the children abuses another of the children.  I pray for God to help them sleep, I pray for God to help them be kind, I pray for God to help them heal, and I pray over and over and over again for God to change me.  

I feel there is very little support for the reality of parenting multiple troubled children.  Most of us come into this having been through some of our own traumas.  We know what it is to experience pain as a child and it gives us a heart for children.  But I am learning, THAT feeling  is NOT enough.  Having a heart for these children is nothing more than a good place to start.


We take sibling groups into our homes and we are not prepared.  We do not know what to do when they scream ferociously and others need to rest.  We do not know what to do when they are destructive to property and others feel threatened.  We do not know what to do when they are hurting and abusing other family members and others feel insecure.  We do not know how to uphold the well-being of the family unit and still give hurting children our zeroed in focus.  I know what we are not supposed to do.  We are not supposed to yell, or spank, or scare, or send children to their rooms and that's fine, but how do I look after everyone while still giving everything I can to every hurting child in my home? 

I read advice books from people that don't seem to get riled up.  They stay calm and in control.  How do I do that when my daughter's person has just been violated?  How do I do that when Baby has been assaulted for no reason other than that Tot felt like hitting him in the head with a tractor?  My Momma Bear instinct is strong.  Here's the advice I need... How in the heck do you keep from getting riled up when you see a little child get hurt?! 

 I saw a DVD the other day where the therapist shared how she successfully helped a child get over her fit about having another snack when it wasn't snack time.  In this instance she helped her overcome her fear about food  She admitted she spent 15 minutes with that girl on that single issue.  15 MINUTES!!! Seriously, I cannot spend 15 minutes with one screaming child.  The others will start in just because I am giving my attention to a screamer.  In a single 15 minute time span, I handle a shoving match, a food fit, a dangerous style of play, a child attempting to dart outside, and a choking hazard.  I can't sit down and rock someone gently for 15 minutes and chat.  Where is the advice book or dvd for parents like me?!

In the world of foster care sibling groups are normal, advice for the balancing act that comes with having extremely troubled sibling groups is NOT.

A Happy Update

I spoke to the caseworker today about having the boys pictured in the church directory with us.  She thought that was a great idea and just told me not to use their full names and to instruct the photographer not to put our pictures up on her website.  No problem!  So we had our first family pictures with the boys today.  For all I know it is the first and the last, but still I was happy.

Tot had a bit of a fever tonight.  I wonder if he has been getting sick???  Maybe that's why he's so hard?  Probably not, but he has seemed to take a lot longer to calm down today and yesterday.

In other coolness... Our DC$ has a "hand holding" service that they make available to many of the parents whose children are taken.  This person's job is to help those parents meet their responsibilities.  Don't have a job?  The hand holder comes and helps you get applications and fill them out.  Need to make sure you show up to visits?  The hand holder comes and rides the city bus with you in "practice runs" to help the parent show up to visits on time.  Have trouble bringing the correct things your children need to visits?  The hand holder comes and helps you pack your bag properly the night before.  Have trouble keeping your appointments?  The hand holder comes and helps you fill in a calendar. I am sure this hand holding is/was intended to be a temporary thing.  They also help with things like signing up for your free government issued cell phone, looking for appropriate housing, and acquiring financial support to meet your needs.  I assume the intent was to help overwhelmed and emotional parents get on track and have a strategy for turning their lives around, but like most things with the system involved, it is not used properly.

All along they have been offering B.M. these hand holding services and she has failed to show up or even be at home for most of the meetings.  The first hand holder B.M. was given quit her case.  The second hand holder decided she would drive B.M. to EVERYTHING and just bill it all, she also decided she would call B.M and tell her it was time to make the proper call aheads so she could do a visit on visit days etc.  Hence, the dramatic turn around in showing up for things.  However, even with such intense support, B.M. has still missed drug testing dates and meetings with her caseworker.

My caseworker mentioned on the sly today that her boss said that gravy train was ending.  Caseworker's boss is done spending money on this service for B.M.  if it is either going to be ignored or misused.  So hand holding services are officially cancelled!!! 

I don't recall if I mentioned it, but B.M.'s Mom is no longer allowed to be at visits because she has been toxic to the overall mood of the visits. Prior to Bio Grandma being allowed at the visits, B.M. did very little to work her case plan.  I am so, so, glad B.G. won't be there to help B.M. put on a false front.  I am also thrilled the boys won't have to see her.  I can't believe how much her being present has pushed Tot to a very sad and angry place.  He is coming back, but it is slow.

So that's all for now.  I have to go to bed people!

She Can't Make It To Visit Today and Tot Troubles

I got a call yesterday that we won't be having visits this week and maybe none for next week either as B.M. is in jail and she will not be able to attend visits.  Tyke does ask for her once in awhile and I think he would say he wants to see her, but he does SO much better when he gets these nice long breaks from her.

I knew the sentencing was going to impact when she made visits, but I was not going to be the one to remind everyone that B.M. would need to reschedule visits if she was going to have them.

It turns out that the visitation agency did call and ask her to reschedule her visit, but she did not.  Visitation supervisor contacted her yesterday and said, "Did you work today?"  B.M's response, "No, I had today off."  Supervisor replies, "Ok, so we are NOT doing a visit this week?"  B.M, "No, I have jail tomorrow."

Visit supervisor tells me she will not call to remind her to reschedule next week, so I probably don't have to worry about a visit.  Cool!

I am so proud of Tyke lately.  He just works so hard to be good.  I know others don't see Tyke the way I do.  The see the way he will kind of freak out and just start going like a crazy person, but I see him differently.  I see the fear and hope all in the same kid.  I see him pushing to see if I will push him away and hoping like crazy that I won't.  I just love that boy so much.  If you had asked me in the beginning he was the one that scared me the most.  His fear made him ferociously strong and I was a bit terrified of him getting older and none of us being safe, and by none I mean the rest of us AND Tyke.

Tot is a lot harder for me.  He is the one that others more easily connect with on a superficial level.  He has these big gorgeous eyes and he is peaceful when you hold him and speak quietly to him. He is also more peaceful with others than Tyke can be. He and Tyke both say and do the funny things that you only get to enjoy from toddlers.  Sadly, he throws gigantic fits when I put him down after holding him. He has no interest in obeying and in fact he thinks its more fun to disobey.  Tot is incredibly aggressive, and he can come across as rebellious, because he is a fighter and he does not have the good sense to know when to quit.  He will push all of your buttons, and then just circles around and push them all some more.  Through it all I am supposed to stay patient and therapeutic so I can help him to recover from his traumatic life, but I don't stay patient and therapeutic.  I get mad at him and then I get mad at me.  I am kind of tired of me.

An example of a fun time with Tot,

My helper put him in the grocery cart and he wanted out.  She would not let him out so he kicked her.  She looked at him firmly and said, "No kicking."  He then screamed, "YOU DO NOT HIT! YOU DO NOT HIT!  YOU DO NOT HIT!"  She looked at me helplessly and I actually had to laugh.  I had been watching the whole interaction so I knew there had been no hitting.  He has done the same thing to me and it terrifies me what people are going to think I am doing to this child.  I know when he first came he heard, "You do not hit," from myself Cy and Liv quite a bit.  I am beginning to think he just thinks, "You do not hit." means that something is not okay, but how do I explain that to the random stranger at WalMart?

I'll figure it out I suppose.  Well, at least I won't have visits making things worse.  I need Dr. Karen Purvis of Parenting the Connected Child  to just move in I think.

Results of Court and Where it Leaves Me

In the quiet room with somber people nothing much was said or done today.  Of course.

Bio Mom failed to show up for a team meeting yesterday and no one brought it before the judge.

Bio Mom perjured herself about where she was when she missed drug testing  and no one called her on it.

She also perjured herself on the amount of hours she claimed she was working at her new job.

She was sentenced to a couple weekends in jail for failing to follow the judge's previous orders for her.

She was ordered to complete parenting classes.

She was ordered to complete a drug treatment program.

She is expected to continue visitation, drug testing, efforts to find housing, and working her job (Which she claims she works from 6:15 to 5:15 everyday for the last few weeks although the place of employment reports she has worked a total of 29.5 hrs since starting).

The caseworker asked me why we were present at court today.  I asked if her if we were not supposed to be there.  "Oh No!" she said, "You have a right to be here I just wasn't expecting you."  It felt weird.  I  have received no less than 3 emails within the last 2 days from the caseworker telling me to keep good reports so she can give them to another family should the children leave my home.  She is also continuing to remind me that others are concerned that foster families can sabotage reunification efforts (if only that were actually possible), so I need to be very careful about how I handle things.  She also continues to let me know that none of the abuses reported to the hotline are substantiated even though she believes me. 

I also follow Cherub Mamma, her posts are breaking my heart and I am questioning why I am doing any of this. 

I want to do what the Lord has called me to and I am going to ask him to speak very specifically to me regarding all of this.  I am ready to call our licensing worker and tell her to sign us up for the adoption only track. 

I WON'T do any of this if God tells me to be still and wait, but I still feel like we are supposed to adopt.  I still do not feel right about walking away from that calling, but I don't know if my heart will be able to handle touching the danger again only to hope this time it will be different.  I do not think I will be able to do that.  So I am trying to decide if the caseworker is trying to keep me nervous and in line while she does whatever wrong thing she wants or if this is just all a part of the journey.

More rambling...

Yesterday I was looking at Liv's baby pictures from when she was 5 months old.  The boys have been with us longer than that.  It struck me the  unconscious ownership of my baby girl that I felt.  I never marked the feeling and named it as such.  It just was.  I looked at Baby.  As much as I love him I have NEVER felt that for him.  Facts are facts, he is not mine and the moments when love for him overwhelms me it is ALWAYS accompanied by guilt and restraint.  I cannot love him like he is mine, I think.  He is not mine.  Sometimes I give in and fantasize a little about being able to introduce them as my boys.  It lasts mere minutes, reality is always there reminding me of the truth of things.

If I felt Cy and Liv were in danger I would leave this country and never look back if that is what it took.  I would never do that with these boys.  I don't have that right.  They are not mine.

I know for my family we cannot walk this road paved in question marks again.  This is the worst case of child abuse I have ever encountered and there is no real protection for these boys save what God would divinely inspire.  To this point, God has not chosen to terminate that sacred right of parenthood belonging to Bio Mom.  He may even now, be allowing and orchestrating another opportunity for redemption in this family.  His mercies are so great to me, I cannot question His wisdom and righteousness in doing it for another, no matter the sins committed.  I am only sure of one thing, if he wants me to adopt OTHER children than it is not in our future children's best interest or mine to hang on to the bitter end in this case.

This is where my mind is today.  It's a place in time.  I do not know if it will have bearing on tomorrow or not.  I will pray.  I only know where I am right now.

More Work for Me! Yeah!

Ok, so caseworker is telling me that it would be good if I sent her daily reports on the behaviors I see in the boys. You know like Tyke did X 3 times today.   Daily????

Every single time I have sent a report on things I hear from and see in the boys I get a reply back about how the behaviors are normal in children and I should not worry about them.  Every single time the report gets downplayed.  So I put all of this time and energy into documenting and reporting only to chided by those who think they know better than me.

Twice my reports have been followed up with interviewing for the boys in which NO toddler behavioral experts were present and NO questions were asked.  These interviews have always been followed up with a conference with me where I am told that nothing will be changed or done to protect the boys from continued contact with their torturers.

Today I am told that she has no idea how this case will play out ultimately. I know that.  If she doesn't convince a judge about the danger of the smaller offenses and DC$ refuses to bring the therapists' reports before the judge regarding the larger offenses, than this whole thing is a crap shoot.  She also threw in that if the boys ever went to another family she would need all of my information so the new caregivers would not be blindsided.

Just right now in this moment I feel like... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  Because, what the heck, if ya'll are just going to pass them around to other families than come and get them and put me out of my misery early.  Why, why, why do we do this thing we do???  Its moments like these were I just want to pick up the phone, call the caseworker, and cut my losses.

I am not going to do that.  Tomorrow is court.  I am praying for a breakthrough.  There is just only so much communicating with the "agency" that I can take and now they want me to send reports that they can knock Daily??? I don't think so.  Maybe weekly?

Follow-up to "Calling Me Mommy"

I appreciate all the feedback.  I scrutinize myself pretty intensely in this area because we began this journey to adopt children whose parents' rights had already been terminated.  We got into fostering, but with the heart of adoptive parents, NOT foster parents.  Along the road I have had to work hard to embrace the idea of fostering in order to reunify. 

As the particular abuses in this case have come to light it has been easy for me to go back to the my kids mind-set.  The comment about "blurring the lines," was good in one way, because it reminds me that they are not my kids.  They belong to God the Father, just as we all do.  He alone knows their future.  I really needed to check my heart and make sure my thoughts were not clouded by my preference to adopt rather than foster.  I really do love to hear the boys call me "Mommy," although I would never dream of requiring it.  Whatever I do I do not want to cause them further harm.

 *****************************************

The days are going well right now.  I am so blessed to be the Mommy of this crew.  We all swim in the pond a lot and I love having my helper.  I get to do things like go to the store when I need to, grab a lunch with my husband, or take just one child to their doctor appointment.  It's the little things. 

Tyke is blossoming because he is embracing that he is a "good boy."  He says it all the time.  Especially after he has done something well or if he has accidentally done something wrong.  After a mistake tears spontaneously stream down his little face as he looks at me with eyes pleading for mercy and says, "I'm a good boy!"  Yes Tyke.  Yes you are.

Tot seems to be settling as we have  been surrounding him in prayer.  I now try to remember to ask permission to hug him or kiss him or even to lay hands on him for praying.  He always says, "Yetsss,"  but my asking seems to have brought a new trust in him.

Baby is my smiler.  He continues to be a bundle of joy even though he is BIG for his age.  We make up words for all of his funny actions as if he is speaking them.  Cy puts a blankie on Baby's head and says, "I cannot see! What is this?  A blankie!  Yay!  I will eat it!"  The words perfectly match the expressions on Baby's face and we all just have to laugh over our happy boy.

Calling me Mommy

I have been going back and forth on this one and I would appreciate your feedback. 

The boys call me Mom and/or Mommy, I refer to myself as Mommy Manda now.  When they first came they called me by my name and they cried for their Mom, calling her Mommy.

About a month into care both boys started calling me "Mommy."  I remember distinctly that it was first used by Tyke right after he heard Cy and Liv talking to me and (of course) referring to me as "Mommy."  A short time later Tot also took up calling me "Mommy."  I really felt uncertain about it when they began calling their b.m. by her first name only.

I began to take care to make sure I was referring to her as "Mommy S"  and that I referred to myself as "Mommy Manda."  Then Tyke began to talk more and more about the variety of abuses he was forced to endure and, I will be honest,  I no longer cared that he called her by her first name only.   The things he (only a 2 year old) claims she and other family members have put him through would be better classified as torture.  I just no longer cared about preserving that precious relationship.

The investigator heard the boys ask for me and refer to me as "Mommy" last week.  He let the caseworker know he is concerned that there is a blurring of lines with the boys calling me by this moniker.  Even though I have no respect for b.m. at this point I went back to carefully referring to her as Mommy S and referring to myself as Manda. 

Shortly thereafter Tyke had his awful days.  The ones I posted about last where I just was at my wits end to parent him.  I think I was triggering his fears of abandonment by calling myself by my name rather than referring to myself as "Mommy Manda."

After those awful days I went back to calling myself "Mommy Manda"  I went back to letting him call her by her first name and he seems much better.

I cannot bring myself to tear down my relationship with the boys in order to elevate b.m.'s relationship.  She should never, ever, be their Mommy again.  This should NOT be an issue.  If the investigators would actually care about uncovering the truth they would EASILY see this for themselves.

I am just not sure what to do, but here is what I think.  If the boys get reunified with that family, the name they called me will be the least of their concerns.

Maybe I am wrong.  What do you think?

I Am Still In It

Even though I said I couldn't do it.... I am.  I just kinda love all my stinkers even though they are not very good sometimes.

The boys are doing better.  My husband and I had to remind ourselves of Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

We have decided to handle behaviors through prayer just as much as with consequences.  I think all parents of children from hard places need to recognize that there were/are two sets of plans for our kids, God's plans and  the plans of the evil one.  When the boys came to my home it was because the God of all Heaven stepped in with His plan for Tyke, Tot, and Baby.  These boys have been brought to a home where they are loved, and prayed over, and sang Jesus Loves Me every day.  They are being given a new life, at least for now.  The Lord has designated this period of time in the boys' lives as a time of shelter for them and the spiritual forces of evil would like very much to disrupt this time.

The problems that arise in behavior stem from different places; grief, defiance, RAD, age, and more, but whatever the cause may be, the solution is the same.  Prayer.  I was correct in saying I cannot do this.  It is too hard for me, but it is not to hard for God.  I am in a good place.  I acknowledge I am nothing without my Heavenly Father.  I am not a mighty warrior.  I am just a simple stay-at-home Momma, but I am willing to let my Father lead me.  I think that just might be enough.

A Double Blog Day

*I am sorry.  This blog is not a victory dance.  You are meeting with me in the midst of the battle, the struggle, the pain of growing.  I know this somewhere deep.  I am not a finished work.  I am a work in progress.  I would love to edit out all the parts that may make a reader uncomfortable, or may allow a reader to judge me.  I love reading the blogs the flow from the hearts of beautiful women who love God and their children and they seem to really get it.  I am not there yet.  I am trusting God to get me there.  I just wanted any readers to understand that before they proceed with this post...

I hate the feeling of going backward with my kids.  That idea goes from the 8 year old on down.  I hate the feeling that we have been here and done this and now we are rehashing it as if it was never learned.

With my foster babies it seems we get to go backwards a lot.  I cannot even believe how much Tyke is pushing every button he can possibly push today.  He has stolen food, decided to scream for hours (in lieu of napping of course), puked on himself on purpose twice today.  I know you think I am making the puke thing up, but I am not people.  It turns out if you make gagging noises enough to get attention and shove your finger down your throat if necessary puke will come up.  Both times he did this when he was in time out.  He called calmly to me.  "I'm dirty, I'm dirty, get me up!"  The second time I let the timer run its course and then gave him a shower.

I am just going to have a really honest moment here.  I am tired!  I don't have all these reserves of patience.  I can't do this, I really, really can't!  I wanted to take him over my knee.  I had to stand and just breath through the desire.

There isn't just Tyke in this house and he should not be allowed to run the show.  Baby wants held, and he wants a lot of attention now.  Tot, wants to sit beside me everytime I sit down.  I let him chatter while I get something done and he pats me lightly, then harder and harder until it is  full-on hitting. He wants to touch everything I touch and he wants my full attention.  Liv begs me for Mommy-Daughter time and I am always trying to fit that in too.  Cy gets ignored unless he is helping out.

 At least at night I get to curl up with my oldest boy.  He's growing up so fast and his wise thoughts bless me tremendously, but I digress.

So here I am in "Backwards Land" trying to learn how to be okay with it.  I am trying to learn how to have a functioning home when a couple of the children in it seemed determined that all will not be calm... EVER.  They both have some of the alphabet attached to their profiles now.  A string of letters that says, these boys brains don't work like other kids.  Yet, I still believe it can be okay.  They can be so refreshingly precious and normal and I feel like grieving when it all falls apart again.  

I pray, "Jesus change me."  I pray, "Jesus change them," because if things stay the way they are I can't do this.  I really, really, can't. 

Hat Day

It is looking like the recent accusations are a blip on the screen.  My advocate let me know that he and caseworker are comparing notes preparing for the upcoming court date so they can compliment and reinforce one another's opinions.  I wonder if they are supposed to do this?  They are both on the same page, that is for sure.  I am glad for that.


There has been a fair amount of crazy going on and emotionally I am tired, but I am looking forward to the weekend.  Currently I am enjoying watching the oldest four chase each other around the house playing "motorcycle riders!"  They alll put on hats and somehow that transforms them.  I love the way kids think.  Maybe I will buy myself a hat today.

Walking Through the Fire?

The boys went without fear. Thank you.  They trusted their unknown therapist.  Thank you.  She asked no questions...  What???  I was told that they don't want to ask leading questions so they just bring the kids back and let them talk about whatever they want to talk about.  The boys are two!!!  I will never understand this system.  Never.

On a good note.  The caseworker and advocate spoke with me and very strongly attempted to deliver the message that they believe the boys and they, the advocate and caseworker, will be doing everything they can to terminate rights.  My caseworker said, "You help them heal, we have lots of other reasons we can terminate here."  I told her my fear about the kids going back because of regular visitation.  She let me know that is a small thing compared to all b.m. isn't doing. 

Then later in the evening I get a call from the caseworker.  The boys have scratches and one has a red bottom and b.m. and grandma are accusing us of abuse.  They are accusing my husband of the old abuse that Tyke was running around the visit ranting about. They were saying he calls my husband by this name he was using.  Caseworker told me she was irritated with Bio-family and she was thinking it was just anger for them being questioned by investigators regarding the new claims right before the visit.

I explained how the boys get scratched up playing outside.  She knew that. The other "scratches" were some kind of rash Tot picked up by going through the Holly bushes by our back patio without a shirt on.  When she mentioned the red bottom I replied, "Well, Tot does have a bit of a rash because of all the swimming he has been doing.  He gets irritated by the swim diaper."  She told me my answer was perfect.  I answered quickly, without hesitation, and knew exactly which child she was referring to, and I gave a reasonable cause without being asked.  She still had to go and look the boys over

I know I needed to be still and trust, but I panicked a little.  I got everyone who knew anything at all praying.  I cried a little bit more.  I felt these accusations put my kids in jeopardy.

An hour later caseworker called me back.  She said the red bottom looked exactly like diaper rash.  She said that both she, the visit supervisor, and another person there all agreed.  She said the scratches on Tyke's back were all self-inflicted as evidenced by the angle and placement.   They were all around the lower sides of his back. She also told me I was right that the boys are rough and hurt themselves.  She said while she was there Tyke careened into her and accidentally scratched her face.

I guess that is done.  I hope so.  Ryan says if we get questioned by investigators we are done.  His words, "I don't care if people accuse me of things I do, I know who I am.  I hate being questioned about things I didn't and wouldn't do."  I get it.  It is a big insult. 

Our family is not one of those mighty families that can stand up to all they would throw at us and keep on keeping on for the kids.  I could walk through the fire alone, but I won't drag my kids through it if I can help it.  We have 2 children who need us and I don't want them scarred by being sent to foster care for 1 night or 2 weeks while we get investigated on very serious charges.  I know how slow the system works for the guilty and the innocent.  My babies aren't getting caught in it.

So as much as I love these boys, I can't commit to lose everything for them if that is what is necessary.  I pray God ends this case quickly.  The things Tyke has been saying lately let me know the bio-family in this case is violent, sick, and twisted.  I don't want pulled into their world.  I just want the boys pulled out. 

I know there are awful foster families out there.  I know these kids need to have hyper-vigilant protectors, but I am just a simple stay-at-home Momma.  I may not be cut out for all of this.  I don't know if my faith is strong enough for that kind of fire.  I hate being so painfully honest with myself, but it is the truth.

We Need Support

There is an investigation tomorrow because of the new information that has been coming from the boys lately.

I am scared.

They don't like being alone with strangers, but I can't go with them.

They don't always talk about the abuse but this time they must.

They are sometimes confusing in the way they speak because they are toddlers.

The good news... I get to drive them there and wait for them to finish so at least they won't have to be taken away.  They are opening up about it more easily than they were.

If you are reading this I want to ask you to pray for a miracle because, after all I have seen go wrong here, this will take a miracle.  Pray that the boys will willingly walk away from me.  Pray they will cooperate with the therapist who will be questioning them.  Pray the therapist asks the right questions and pray the boys will be understood.

I feel like this is an all-or-nothing moment tomorrow.  This will be the second time these allegations have been investigated.  If there is not substantiation this time I feel I will be discredited.  Please do not misunderstand.  I am not worried about my reputation, I am worried that I am one of the few people Tyke and Tot trust enough to talk about these things, but that will be useless to them if I am relegated to Overreacting Foster Mom status.

My prayer tonight.

God of Heaven.  Please, don't let this all be in vain.  Please let these boys speak the words that will set them free.  Please let those who have the authority to protect them listen to their words.  Please be present in that place and in that room.   I ask you to give the boys the ability to go to the interview without a trace of fear.  I ask you to give the boys a heart of cooperation tomorrow.  I ask that the right questions would be asked.   I ask you that the right answers would be given.  Amen.

Baby Doll

Baby doll I watched as Tyke and Tot hit you and called you names,

As they talked to you in unknown voices.

 I watched as Tyke played with you and poured out his heart of pain.

 I watched and listened as he talked to you about himself, and Tot, and yes, even Baby being hurt by those who were supposed to protect him.

 Baby doll I am glad you can't hear him.  I am glad you can't remember the words that are seared forever in my brain.

I am glad that he remembers Baby Doll.  Even if that means he abuses you.  He needs to remember for just a little longer.  He needs to tell people who have the power to protect him.

I am praying baby doll.  I am asking God to keep Tyke from ever having to see those people again.