Feeling Like a Fake

At church on Sunday I saw a woman who had just brought home 3 children from Ethiopia.  I felt prompted to go to her and so after a bit I did.  I complimented her beautiful children and congratulated her on the completion of the adoption.  She looked at me for a moment with a deer in the headlights face.  She asked, "Does it get better?!" 

That statement prompted a long discussion between the 2 of us.  I shared about my own experiences and those of my girlfriend who adopted 3 from the Congo.  I shared about some of your experiences that I have read.  Yes, it does get better, but it isn't easy by any stretch..  It was a very God-prompted conversation between the 2 of us I am sure.

She spoke to me like I was an adoptive mom, and in part I answered like an adoptive mom, but I reminded her several times that we still face the possibility of the loss of our boys.  It was great to encourage and be encouraged and that is what I took away from the conversation immediately.

As I reviewed the conversation later in my mind I had this feeling of being a fraud.  I may never be an adoptive mom!  At some point I may be to this woman, to everyone else, and to myself, someone who almost adopted.  I may never have these kids, they may go back, I just don't know what will happen.  A deep frustration tugged inside me.  I have said repeatedly that this is it.  I cannot love and lose again.  I cannot put my children, my marriage, and myself through the deep agonies of the adoptive birth process again.  Even knowing that, I have begun to identify more with the adoptive families in our church.  I feel a deep sense of understanding and belonging with them.  Forgive me for saying this, but I don't want to lose that either.

Is that terribly evil?  I don't know, but I think it is the realization that the loss of the ability to adopt takes away more than these children.  It will affect everything about our lifestyle.  There are several areas where I have begun to identify and feel comfortable with and even embrace as our new identity as a family.  We are a potentially adoptive family, we are a multi-racial family, we are a large family, and we are a house full of boys.  I am not sure I can convey myself accurately here.  I don't just fear losing our boys, I fear a loss of identity.

  There are so many things that still need to come together for me to be anything other than an "almost-was"  and presuming to be more than that and even presenting myself to others that way leaves me feeling like a fake.