It looks like this week's visit has been moved to tomorrow. I am dressing the boys in their costumes from Hallelujah night at church. I hope to get some picture printed to send along. I am trying...
I was praying about that whole building a bridge thing and wondering how God could rebuild her life. Right after my devotion came to my email. My phone chimed and I opened the phone and saw the email entitled "Even Her." Okay God, even her.
I am afraid. A growing relationship with her could hurt the boys. A relationship with her could hurt me. I really don't want a relationship. Ugh. I am such a far cry from what God wants me to be. For now I am going to pray for her and send her some pictures.
Is this right or is this nuts? I can't decide.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Building a Bridge
During my last visit with the caseworker she mentioned several times that she thinks I should give pictures of the boys to bio-mom. Initially I planned to do that and so much more, but as things came out it was like getting hit repeatedly by a ton of bricks. I quickly lost interest in the idea of "keeping the love alive" or whatever I would be doing.
The caseworker says that she believes bio-mom may surrender if she can see how happy and well-adjusted the boys are. She claims the pictures of Baby smiling made this big impact. This is the same caseworker who told me just a couple months ago that bio-mom would never surrender. The caseworker discussed bio-mom and myself spending some time together and she quickly got the idea I am not into having little unsupervised gatherings with bio-mom. She then brought up sharing pictures. This seems like a possiblity, but as I mentioned I just don't trust the caseworker at all. In some strange way I feel like I am making myself vulnerable to some scheme if I do this.
Weirdly enough, this past week I have felt an urge to reach out to bio-mom. Then I think I'm crazy. Just put in your head the worst things a parent can do to their child and you can get some idea of why I want NO contact. But my pastor had to go and challenge us last week. He asked, "Who in your life can you think of that you feel like God could never build a bridge between the two of you? Yes, Our God is big enough even for that." So during this part of the sermon I was thinking of bio-mom and I was like, God? Surely not! Then Caseworker lady was all like, why don't you try to connect with her a little bit, and again I was like, GOD???
I seriously don't know what God wants me to do for certain. I need to pray for bio-mom more. I am going to try and put together an album, but uploading the pics has not been working for 2 whole days! I know God forgives everything. I know he loves her as much as he loves me. I know that my sins are not somehow better than hers, but I am afraid of this woman. I am afraid of her family, and I am afraid of somehow aiding in the continuation of abuse for these boys.
That's a lot of fear in the above paragraph. Well, since God doesn't give me a spirit of fear, but one of love, power, and a sound mind, I think I'll keep fighting technology and try to make her a scrapbook. It's a start, right?
The caseworker says that she believes bio-mom may surrender if she can see how happy and well-adjusted the boys are. She claims the pictures of Baby smiling made this big impact. This is the same caseworker who told me just a couple months ago that bio-mom would never surrender. The caseworker discussed bio-mom and myself spending some time together and she quickly got the idea I am not into having little unsupervised gatherings with bio-mom. She then brought up sharing pictures. This seems like a possiblity, but as I mentioned I just don't trust the caseworker at all. In some strange way I feel like I am making myself vulnerable to some scheme if I do this.
Weirdly enough, this past week I have felt an urge to reach out to bio-mom. Then I think I'm crazy. Just put in your head the worst things a parent can do to their child and you can get some idea of why I want NO contact. But my pastor had to go and challenge us last week. He asked, "Who in your life can you think of that you feel like God could never build a bridge between the two of you? Yes, Our God is big enough even for that." So during this part of the sermon I was thinking of bio-mom and I was like, God? Surely not! Then Caseworker lady was all like, why don't you try to connect with her a little bit, and again I was like, GOD???
I seriously don't know what God wants me to do for certain. I need to pray for bio-mom more. I am going to try and put together an album, but uploading the pics has not been working for 2 whole days! I know God forgives everything. I know he loves her as much as he loves me. I know that my sins are not somehow better than hers, but I am afraid of this woman. I am afraid of her family, and I am afraid of somehow aiding in the continuation of abuse for these boys.
That's a lot of fear in the above paragraph. Well, since God doesn't give me a spirit of fear, but one of love, power, and a sound mind, I think I'll keep fighting technology and try to make her a scrapbook. It's a start, right?
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
3 Minutes in Court
I got the update late this afternoon. The advocate let me know that court only lasted about 3 minutes. Nothing was planned out. They informed the court that bio-mom still wasn't meeting requirments and that they wanted to wait to file for tpr in early December. The judge asked the advocate if that was acceptable and he said it was and the Judge replied, "See you all again in December."
The caseworker came to visit tonight. She had told me she was coming this afternoon. She showed up at about 7pm. When she got out of the car she talked to the boys in this strange overly cheerful voice. She talked to me about all kinds of things. Some of it case related and some not. She shared how bio-mom was shocked that I could get Baby to smile. I showed the caseworker all the pics in my phone of Baby grinning ear to ear. Its not like a smile is an aberration Baby just doesn't like strangers. She talked about the election, her boyfriend, all kinds of stuff.
The trust is gone. I can't get it back. I chatted and was friendly, but I just don't trust her anymore. I think she tells whoever she is talking to what she thinks they want to hear and when she can't do that, she blames someone else instead of just being honest. It felt weird the way she shared intimate details of her life and I had no desire to get all cozy with her and share anything. These boys are at risk, huge risk, and she wants to sweep it under the rug like its no big deal and talk about her boyfriend?
I have no idea if this case will ever be terminated. I have no idea if these boys will be sent back home. If the caseworker cannot see the truth in front of her face than who else is there? The advocate thinks they will file in December. Well, I was informed they would file in September, and then October, and now December.
At least the boys are here right now. They are safe and happy and they know they are loved.
Today did not start off so well though. After the very rocky start to our day I took some advice I read on the Pearls of Price. I remembered reading that sometimes she would have her twins start the day over when it started off badly. Well the boys had to start their day over twice today, but eventually my sweet boys were back and the day with them turned out to be pretty sweet even compared to most days. At least I had that today.
The caseworker came to visit tonight. She had told me she was coming this afternoon. She showed up at about 7pm. When she got out of the car she talked to the boys in this strange overly cheerful voice. She talked to me about all kinds of things. Some of it case related and some not. She shared how bio-mom was shocked that I could get Baby to smile. I showed the caseworker all the pics in my phone of Baby grinning ear to ear. Its not like a smile is an aberration Baby just doesn't like strangers. She talked about the election, her boyfriend, all kinds of stuff.
The trust is gone. I can't get it back. I chatted and was friendly, but I just don't trust her anymore. I think she tells whoever she is talking to what she thinks they want to hear and when she can't do that, she blames someone else instead of just being honest. It felt weird the way she shared intimate details of her life and I had no desire to get all cozy with her and share anything. These boys are at risk, huge risk, and she wants to sweep it under the rug like its no big deal and talk about her boyfriend?
I have no idea if this case will ever be terminated. I have no idea if these boys will be sent back home. If the caseworker cannot see the truth in front of her face than who else is there? The advocate thinks they will file in December. Well, I was informed they would file in September, and then October, and now December.
At least the boys are here right now. They are safe and happy and they know they are loved.
Today did not start off so well though. After the very rocky start to our day I took some advice I read on the Pearls of Price. I remembered reading that sometimes she would have her twins start the day over when it started off badly. Well the boys had to start their day over twice today, but eventually my sweet boys were back and the day with them turned out to be pretty sweet even compared to most days. At least I had that today.
Urgent prayer for court this morning!!!
Court this morning... I got called and lied to by the caseworker yesterday. She is blaming judge saying he doesn't want termination and they won't be doing anything for now. Advocate told me specifically otherwise. This was cooked up by bio-mom's attorney and DC$ just as I suspected.
They are trying to silence boys' advocate. Boys' advocate is determined to speak up today and bring out ALL the evidence.
Caseworker has told me the earliest they would do anything is December and even that is unlikely. She claims bio-mom is probably innocent of the heinous abuses that Tyke talks about her doing. Its all surreal. I found out there is some very old evidence putting DC$ in the wrong for ignoring childhood reported abuses of bio-mom. DC$ does not want this coming out.
I wish I could write more, but I need to publish so at least some of you are praying. Court this morning. Pray for the advocate, the judge, and that the plans of the enemy would be thwarted.
They are trying to silence boys' advocate. Boys' advocate is determined to speak up today and bring out ALL the evidence.
Caseworker has told me the earliest they would do anything is December and even that is unlikely. She claims bio-mom is probably innocent of the heinous abuses that Tyke talks about her doing. Its all surreal. I found out there is some very old evidence putting DC$ in the wrong for ignoring childhood reported abuses of bio-mom. DC$ does not want this coming out.
I wish I could write more, but I need to publish so at least some of you are praying. Court this morning. Pray for the advocate, the judge, and that the plans of the enemy would be thwarted.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Feeling Like a Fake
At church on Sunday I saw a woman who had just brought home 3 children from Ethiopia. I felt prompted to go to her and so after a bit I did. I complimented her beautiful children and congratulated her on the completion of the adoption. She looked at me for a moment with a deer in the headlights face. She asked, "Does it get better?!"
That statement prompted a long discussion between the 2 of us. I shared about my own experiences and those of my girlfriend who adopted 3 from the Congo. I shared about some of your experiences that I have read. Yes, it does get better, but it isn't easy by any stretch.. It was a very God-prompted conversation between the 2 of us I am sure.
She spoke to me like I was an adoptive mom, and in part I answered like an adoptive mom, but I reminded her several times that we still face the possibility of the loss of our boys. It was great to encourage and be encouraged and that is what I took away from the conversation immediately.
As I reviewed the conversation later in my mind I had this feeling of being a fraud. I may never be an adoptive mom! At some point I may be to this woman, to everyone else, and to myself, someone who almost adopted. I may never have these kids, they may go back, I just don't know what will happen. A deep frustration tugged inside me. I have said repeatedly that this is it. I cannot love and lose again. I cannot put my children, my marriage, and myself through the deep agonies of the adoptive birth process again. Even knowing that, I have begun to identify more with the adoptive families in our church. I feel a deep sense of understanding and belonging with them. Forgive me for saying this, but I don't want to lose that either.
Is that terribly evil? I don't know, but I think it is the realization that the loss of the ability to adopt takes away more than these children. It will affect everything about our lifestyle. There are several areas where I have begun to identify and feel comfortable with and even embrace as our new identity as a family. We are a potentially adoptive family, we are a multi-racial family, we are a large family, and we are a house full of boys. I am not sure I can convey myself accurately here. I don't just fear losing our boys, I fear a loss of identity.
There are so many things that still need to come together for me to be anything other than an "almost-was" and presuming to be more than that and even presenting myself to others that way leaves me feeling like a fake.
That statement prompted a long discussion between the 2 of us. I shared about my own experiences and those of my girlfriend who adopted 3 from the Congo. I shared about some of your experiences that I have read. Yes, it does get better, but it isn't easy by any stretch.. It was a very God-prompted conversation between the 2 of us I am sure.
She spoke to me like I was an adoptive mom, and in part I answered like an adoptive mom, but I reminded her several times that we still face the possibility of the loss of our boys. It was great to encourage and be encouraged and that is what I took away from the conversation immediately.
As I reviewed the conversation later in my mind I had this feeling of being a fraud. I may never be an adoptive mom! At some point I may be to this woman, to everyone else, and to myself, someone who almost adopted. I may never have these kids, they may go back, I just don't know what will happen. A deep frustration tugged inside me. I have said repeatedly that this is it. I cannot love and lose again. I cannot put my children, my marriage, and myself through the deep agonies of the adoptive birth process again. Even knowing that, I have begun to identify more with the adoptive families in our church. I feel a deep sense of understanding and belonging with them. Forgive me for saying this, but I don't want to lose that either.
Is that terribly evil? I don't know, but I think it is the realization that the loss of the ability to adopt takes away more than these children. It will affect everything about our lifestyle. There are several areas where I have begun to identify and feel comfortable with and even embrace as our new identity as a family. We are a potentially adoptive family, we are a multi-racial family, we are a large family, and we are a house full of boys. I am not sure I can convey myself accurately here. I don't just fear losing our boys, I fear a loss of identity.
There are so many things that still need to come together for me to be anything other than an "almost-was" and presuming to be more than that and even presenting myself to others that way leaves me feeling like a fake.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
It's one of those days...
It's one of those days were all three little boys are dysregulated.
Baby follows me and cries. He gets picked up and is demanding. Eventually I put him down. Then he follows me and cries some more. The cherry on the cake... during his current fit he just flailed his head and banged it on the table. This round started because I wouldn't let him take my kindle.
Tot is angry and hitting today. He wants to fight. I hate those days. We work through things the same way we always do and I think it is going to be okay, but then something in him has to push it farther. He hits me, he hits someone else, steals a toy, kicks the dog. I see his thought process... I am not done with this yet. I want this to go farther. WHY!? I don't understand the pushing for more consequences. I really don't.
Tyke is in a good mood... sort of. He is in a flipping banging mood. He threw himself down the stairs today after I warned him not to be flopping and flipping on the stairs. The play therapist was here and saw the whole thing. He walked up to the stairs and I think tried to somersault down them. It didn't even raise my heartrate. Its just one of those days.
Lately Liv has been ticked off at the world. If the pattern continues she will probably be a mess after school too. I pray she is okay.
Baby follows me and cries. He gets picked up and is demanding. Eventually I put him down. Then he follows me and cries some more. The cherry on the cake... during his current fit he just flailed his head and banged it on the table. This round started because I wouldn't let him take my kindle.
Tot is angry and hitting today. He wants to fight. I hate those days. We work through things the same way we always do and I think it is going to be okay, but then something in him has to push it farther. He hits me, he hits someone else, steals a toy, kicks the dog. I see his thought process... I am not done with this yet. I want this to go farther. WHY!? I don't understand the pushing for more consequences. I really don't.
Tyke is in a good mood... sort of. He is in a flipping banging mood. He threw himself down the stairs today after I warned him not to be flopping and flipping on the stairs. The play therapist was here and saw the whole thing. He walked up to the stairs and I think tried to somersault down them. It didn't even raise my heartrate. Its just one of those days.
Lately Liv has been ticked off at the world. If the pattern continues she will probably be a mess after school too. I pray she is okay.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Do Not Worry
Matthew 6:25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry
about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what
you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than
clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If
that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and
tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you
of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own
It is so easy to get caught up in the worry of wondering what will happen when you are involved with foster care. Today, God reminded me that I need to put worry away from me. I can't change anything that is happening or not happening in the case by stressing and worrying about it. My worry affects only me. I recalled that if the boys were anywhere else I would be relieved for the break and chance to get things done. So during today's visit I set aside my worry and got to doing all that needs doing in my home. I can only do what I can do, the rest is up to the Lord and his timing.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Yoga and Baby
I decided to try some yoga even though my little men were still awake because I am crazy like that. I hear it is supposed to help my back. It seems like an awful lot of breathing and relaxing if you ask me. I am not sure how that is supposed to get me into shape.
I was stretching into these interesting positions and Baby was just so excited to see me doing these strange moves, and he couldn't resist involving himself as I tried to stretch and contort. He crawled over my stomach, my chest, and my face at different points. I was laying down with my arms stretched out and he crawled up and laid his head on my chest saying, "Awwww." I guess he thought we were hugging. At another point he beat on my bottom with his pudgy hands as I attempted what is called a downward dog (the visual would be my bottom way up and my head way down). Toward the end you are supposed to cover up your eyes and breathe and relax. Baby crawled over and pulled the cover off my eyes saying, "Ah - Ah!" This is his version of peek-a-boo. I just started laughing. At this point the game was on. Baby kept covering up my face again to play peek-a-boo. He literally crawled over my face. I tried to "relax" as I was kneed and kissed and generally slobbered on. I don't think I successfully relaxed, but I did have a good laugh.
The way I see it Yoga will be good for me if I get over my back issues or if I have a good laugh everyday.
I was stretching into these interesting positions and Baby was just so excited to see me doing these strange moves, and he couldn't resist involving himself as I tried to stretch and contort. He crawled over my stomach, my chest, and my face at different points. I was laying down with my arms stretched out and he crawled up and laid his head on my chest saying, "Awwww." I guess he thought we were hugging. At another point he beat on my bottom with his pudgy hands as I attempted what is called a downward dog (the visual would be my bottom way up and my head way down). Toward the end you are supposed to cover up your eyes and breathe and relax. Baby crawled over and pulled the cover off my eyes saying, "Ah - Ah!" This is his version of peek-a-boo. I just started laughing. At this point the game was on. Baby kept covering up my face again to play peek-a-boo. He literally crawled over my face. I tried to "relax" as I was kneed and kissed and generally slobbered on. I don't think I successfully relaxed, but I did have a good laugh.
The way I see it Yoga will be good for me if I get over my back issues or if I have a good laugh everyday.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Waiting out the Season
As I watch the leaves blossom into full color over the pond I am amazed at the beauty of creation. Even in death and in the process of dying there can be beauty. One by one each leaf will fall and soon the trees will appear bare and lifeless, but for a brief moment the world is a riot of beautiful colors.
I wait for this season of my life to change. I want to know already what God is doing and where he is leading my family. The patience required of me is something I am not good at walking out. I know what I need to do. I need to stop the struggle. The endless questioning and looking for signs of the next season of my life. It is a time to embrace this current season.
My life is filled with the beauty of the miraculous right now! My husband is parenting 5 children with grace and humor. I am loving, praying over, and teaching these children I felt so called to bring into my family. My oldest children are developing in ways I never knew possible as they live out the realities of self-sacrifice and empathy for others. The boys... oh the boys! They are loving, and laughing, learning, and growing. They are healthy, well-fed, and filled with a security that we will always be here. They do not doubt they are loved by this family, they proudly announce they are awesome, to anyone who will listen.
Today, the boys left for a visit and again my heart constricted in my chest. Again the tears came quietly down my cheeks. Again, I sought His comfort and reassurance. This season is so hard, but this season is beautiful too.
I wait for this season of my life to change. I want to know already what God is doing and where he is leading my family. The patience required of me is something I am not good at walking out. I know what I need to do. I need to stop the struggle. The endless questioning and looking for signs of the next season of my life. It is a time to embrace this current season.
My life is filled with the beauty of the miraculous right now! My husband is parenting 5 children with grace and humor. I am loving, praying over, and teaching these children I felt so called to bring into my family. My oldest children are developing in ways I never knew possible as they live out the realities of self-sacrifice and empathy for others. The boys... oh the boys! They are loving, and laughing, learning, and growing. They are healthy, well-fed, and filled with a security that we will always be here. They do not doubt they are loved by this family, they proudly announce they are awesome, to anyone who will listen.
Today, the boys left for a visit and again my heart constricted in my chest. Again the tears came quietly down my cheeks. Again, I sought His comfort and reassurance. This season is so hard, but this season is beautiful too.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Catching Up
Ok, I have this bad habit of getting online to write a blog. Then I get all caught up reading other things and before I know it I am out of time for blogging and there is no update reported. Sorry about that if there is actually someone who looks forward to my ramblings. I will try to catch up a bit here.
Well, this week has gone pretty well with the boys. They are in a good place for the most part. Nap times are still hard. I separated the boys again and the last 2 days have gone so much easier. I am learning to let go of the idea that I can correct every misbehavior. It has been hard for me to accept that sometimes they just get to have their little fits and there is nothing I am allowed to do that can put a stop to it. They are coming around anyway. I really hate sending them to their rooms. I don't know why. I would rather swat a bottom than send a child to his/her room. Maybe it is because I hated that as a child. Foster parents cannot swat a bottom and I am accepting my limitations without grouching about them anymore. If the behavior has reached a point where it is causing stress to others than any perpetrator in my house is going to their room. In some ways accepting that has actually been a big burden lifter. I don't have to be creative and find a way to "snap them out of it" every single time. I can just send them to their room. So far it has been simple and effective. I do want to add that we always work with a time-in first and it works 60-70% of the time.
We are officially past the point where DC$ can legally file for termination. Of course no one has actually filed anything. My last intel informed me that there is a meeting tomorrow with bio-mom, her attorney, and DC$. I wonder what that is all about?
I wish it would be to discuss voluntary relinquishment, but I know its crazy to get my hopes up like that. Since I don't live in Never-Never Land I am preparing myself that it will actually be the attorney negotiating with DC$ for more time and making new promises in regards to behavior. I am also preparing myself that they may actually be trying to work out an agreement for placement with bio-grandma outside of the courtroom. Maybe they are hoping to put together something the judge can rubber stamp.
Do I sound like a pessimist? I am becoming one. All of the information I was given was never backed up by anything official, so for now it is just rumors to me and rumors aren't going to protect the boys' futures. I, of course, will be praying like crazy about tomorrow.
I had to be go through licensing stuff last week and I came right out and told the license worker that after this case I am done. She is such a sweet girl and totally understood. I saw sadness and resignation cross her face. We discussed how I have been left out of the loop on things I am legally entitled to know. I have been ignored, rather than informed about court dates, never seen court reports I am supposed to get, etc. She shared with me how foster families are generally mistreated and how they just can't hang on to families anymore. She had gone out of her way to help me in the beginning of this case so I would be given the things the boys were entitled to. The result of that 'help' was the caseworker getting angry and shutting me out. This time around she said, "I want to help you, but I think it will only make things harder." Isn't that sad? I don't blame her at all.
I always acknowledge the Lord as being in control of everything. I say, "Its not up to me." These things are so easy to say, but walking daily in trust is a whole different thing.
Well, this week has gone pretty well with the boys. They are in a good place for the most part. Nap times are still hard. I separated the boys again and the last 2 days have gone so much easier. I am learning to let go of the idea that I can correct every misbehavior. It has been hard for me to accept that sometimes they just get to have their little fits and there is nothing I am allowed to do that can put a stop to it. They are coming around anyway. I really hate sending them to their rooms. I don't know why. I would rather swat a bottom than send a child to his/her room. Maybe it is because I hated that as a child. Foster parents cannot swat a bottom and I am accepting my limitations without grouching about them anymore. If the behavior has reached a point where it is causing stress to others than any perpetrator in my house is going to their room. In some ways accepting that has actually been a big burden lifter. I don't have to be creative and find a way to "snap them out of it" every single time. I can just send them to their room. So far it has been simple and effective. I do want to add that we always work with a time-in first and it works 60-70% of the time.
We are officially past the point where DC$ can legally file for termination. Of course no one has actually filed anything. My last intel informed me that there is a meeting tomorrow with bio-mom, her attorney, and DC$. I wonder what that is all about?
I wish it would be to discuss voluntary relinquishment, but I know its crazy to get my hopes up like that. Since I don't live in Never-Never Land I am preparing myself that it will actually be the attorney negotiating with DC$ for more time and making new promises in regards to behavior. I am also preparing myself that they may actually be trying to work out an agreement for placement with bio-grandma outside of the courtroom. Maybe they are hoping to put together something the judge can rubber stamp.
Do I sound like a pessimist? I am becoming one. All of the information I was given was never backed up by anything official, so for now it is just rumors to me and rumors aren't going to protect the boys' futures. I, of course, will be praying like crazy about tomorrow.
I had to be go through licensing stuff last week and I came right out and told the license worker that after this case I am done. She is such a sweet girl and totally understood. I saw sadness and resignation cross her face. We discussed how I have been left out of the loop on things I am legally entitled to know. I have been ignored, rather than informed about court dates, never seen court reports I am supposed to get, etc. She shared with me how foster families are generally mistreated and how they just can't hang on to families anymore. She had gone out of her way to help me in the beginning of this case so I would be given the things the boys were entitled to. The result of that 'help' was the caseworker getting angry and shutting me out. This time around she said, "I want to help you, but I think it will only make things harder." Isn't that sad? I don't blame her at all.
I always acknowledge the Lord as being in control of everything. I say, "Its not up to me." These things are so easy to say, but walking daily in trust is a whole different thing.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
"Put them in Time-Out"
When the boys got dropped off from their visit today the visit supervisor informed me, "You need to put these boys in timeout." Apparently they were not well-behaved at the visit and they told the supervisor to "shut-up!" several times.
These boys should not be forced to go to visits and it feels wrong to me to discipline them for acting out their frustration. I did not put them in time out. I told them it was not nice to tell the supervisor to shut up, but they got NO consequence. In their defense they were telling her as sweetly as possible when she came that they did not want to go, but they HAD to go and were coerced into the van. The choice was not theirs and in my mind once they are forced to go spend time with their victimizer all pretenses at politeness can go out the window. Am I wrong?
Tyke infromed me he went up to the advocate who was observing the visit and asked him to bring him back home to his "other Mommy." Tyke told me that the advocate could not bring he home "'cause he hadda go da wok."
The boys don't want to go and they want to get back home and that NEVER gets documented. All the visit supervisor documents is that the visit went well and bio-mom is working to be a good parent. I am really praying for the Lord to open the visit supervisor's eyes to the point where she begins to see things through the boys eyes and she sees and reports the problems with the visits.
Lately Tyke has been saying that he loves me. He then asks me if I love him and I tell him I do. He asks me if I love her. I tell him I have to love her because God wants me to love everyone. Then I am convicted because I really don't love her much at all.
These boys should not be forced to go to visits and it feels wrong to me to discipline them for acting out their frustration. I did not put them in time out. I told them it was not nice to tell the supervisor to shut up, but they got NO consequence. In their defense they were telling her as sweetly as possible when she came that they did not want to go, but they HAD to go and were coerced into the van. The choice was not theirs and in my mind once they are forced to go spend time with their victimizer all pretenses at politeness can go out the window. Am I wrong?
Tyke infromed me he went up to the advocate who was observing the visit and asked him to bring him back home to his "other Mommy." Tyke told me that the advocate could not bring he home "'cause he hadda go da wok."
The boys don't want to go and they want to get back home and that NEVER gets documented. All the visit supervisor documents is that the visit went well and bio-mom is working to be a good parent. I am really praying for the Lord to open the visit supervisor's eyes to the point where she begins to see things through the boys eyes and she sees and reports the problems with the visits.
Lately Tyke has been saying that he loves me. He then asks me if I love him and I tell him I do. He asks me if I love her. I tell him I have to love her because God wants me to love everyone. Then I am convicted because I really don't love her much at all.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Some News
I got some news. This is going to be fast and messy because I have an appointment.
First of all, baby just turned one and I have been struggling with depression and acceptance all in the same days, and sometimes in the same hour. It is hard not knowing where he will be next year.
Secondly I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with my first 2 babes recently. I love them so and it is such an easy love. I don't have to work through any mixed up emotions with them or deal with large amounts of guilt and fear. When this fostering thing is so hard and I get time alone with Cy and Liv I think, "Maybe I'm nuts to be putting our family through this." I feel bad admitting that. I love my 3 youngest babies, but the constant fear of loss sometimes leaves me wanting to push them away and have things easy again.
Thirdly, I got a call from the advocate today. He told me that his agency and DC$ are pushing to have the termination completed by the end of the year. They would really like to see it happen in November. They would like the boys to be on the adoption track by 2013.
The advocate said an aunt had come forward and was trying to help bio-mom and grandma get things together and she had offered to be a temporary home for the kids. After attempting to work with them for just a couple of days last week she called the agency and told them she DID NOT want the kids placed with her. She said that bio-mom and grandma were a "lost cause." The aunt said bio-mom and grandma were incredibly racist and did not intend to do anything anyone asked them to do, because they were white (the agency had heard grandma say racial things before, but this was coming from grandma's own aunt).
That part makes me sad. There are actually both white and black individuals working this case and from my perspective they have bent over backwards to give opportunities to bio-mom. I remember the visit supervisor is black and was told she wasn't "black enough." She was incredulous when she heard the statement. Well, anyway, the aunt said that DC$ would never be able to successfully reunify this family because bio-mom and grandma had no intention of doing what they said and she did not want to get in the middle of that.
With the comments of the judge and the aunt DC$ is now planning to push this termination to its completion as soon as possible. At least that is what I am told. I will believe it when I actually see something official. At this point it's all talk.
With the call from the advocate I do have hope today. When I get hope my love for the boys overwhelms me. I don't want things easy. I want all of my kids to stay right here. I want to love them and see them through whatever life brings our way.
Tomorrow there should be a visit and the advocate and a therapist are planning to observe and perhaps talk to the kids a bit. The last time a visit got "deep" with questioning etc. the boys were a mess for days. I did not want to tell the advocate not to do it, because he has been the boys' greatest ally, but I hope they know what they are doing. All I can do is pray. I mean, if I had my way there would be NO visit tomorrow.
So I am tired, and hopeful, and nervous.
First of all, baby just turned one and I have been struggling with depression and acceptance all in the same days, and sometimes in the same hour. It is hard not knowing where he will be next year.
Secondly I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with my first 2 babes recently. I love them so and it is such an easy love. I don't have to work through any mixed up emotions with them or deal with large amounts of guilt and fear. When this fostering thing is so hard and I get time alone with Cy and Liv I think, "Maybe I'm nuts to be putting our family through this." I feel bad admitting that. I love my 3 youngest babies, but the constant fear of loss sometimes leaves me wanting to push them away and have things easy again.
Thirdly, I got a call from the advocate today. He told me that his agency and DC$ are pushing to have the termination completed by the end of the year. They would really like to see it happen in November. They would like the boys to be on the adoption track by 2013.
The advocate said an aunt had come forward and was trying to help bio-mom and grandma get things together and she had offered to be a temporary home for the kids. After attempting to work with them for just a couple of days last week she called the agency and told them she DID NOT want the kids placed with her. She said that bio-mom and grandma were a "lost cause." The aunt said bio-mom and grandma were incredibly racist and did not intend to do anything anyone asked them to do, because they were white (the agency had heard grandma say racial things before, but this was coming from grandma's own aunt).
That part makes me sad. There are actually both white and black individuals working this case and from my perspective they have bent over backwards to give opportunities to bio-mom. I remember the visit supervisor is black and was told she wasn't "black enough." She was incredulous when she heard the statement. Well, anyway, the aunt said that DC$ would never be able to successfully reunify this family because bio-mom and grandma had no intention of doing what they said and she did not want to get in the middle of that.
With the comments of the judge and the aunt DC$ is now planning to push this termination to its completion as soon as possible. At least that is what I am told. I will believe it when I actually see something official. At this point it's all talk.
With the call from the advocate I do have hope today. When I get hope my love for the boys overwhelms me. I don't want things easy. I want all of my kids to stay right here. I want to love them and see them through whatever life brings our way.
Tomorrow there should be a visit and the advocate and a therapist are planning to observe and perhaps talk to the kids a bit. The last time a visit got "deep" with questioning etc. the boys were a mess for days. I did not want to tell the advocate not to do it, because he has been the boys' greatest ally, but I hope they know what they are doing. All I can do is pray. I mean, if I had my way there would be NO visit tomorrow.
So I am tired, and hopeful, and nervous.
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