One of the therapist is coming today to witness the boys leaving for their visit. I want to tell her to forget it. I really feel like it no longer matters who witnesses this sad behavior. All we are is a witness to tragedy, but ultimately we can't do anything. It's going to take an act of God. Not, another report from a therapist. These people don't care.
They have to participate in this nightmare another 21 times until termination hopefully happens. I want to cover them with kisses and make all kinds of promises about their future. I want to tell them they will stay here forever, and that this is just a short visit, but until termination happens I don't feel like I can do that. I want to do all the caseworker tells me to do just to stop their tears. It may not be real security, but a distraction may be enough for now.
My problem is I don't trust them. I took two completely terrified toddlers and through God's grace I helped them find peace and trust. I helped them learn to be good even in bad situations. The visit supervisor's reports became covered in glowing remarks about Bio-Mom's skills.
One day Tyke asked me, "I stay with you forever, ever, ever?"
I told the truth, "I don't know. Mommy S______ wants you to come back to her. It's up to the judge."
On that day the gloves came off for Tyke. He started acting out at home and at visits. I freed him further when I announced I would not be angry with him or that he would not get in trouble for being mad about visits. Visit behavior got worse and home behavior got better.
I am still waiting on that miracle to stop visitation. The one only God can deliver. I am blessed that I at least know an end point. The termination trial is set, but how can I help these boys from now until then? .
On a good note... Sort of... Tyke is sick so he can't go to the visit. I wish he wasn't sick, but I am glad he can be spared the trauma today.
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