Today's visit was cancelled due to Tot emptying his stomach at the kitchen table last night. Ewww, gross, I know. TMI.
If you remember, Tyke got sick at the end of last week. The same sickness then went to me, Cyrus, Baby, and now Tot. We have been keeping the visitation up and just keeping the affected child home. Friday Tyke stayed home. For Monday's visit Baby stayed home. Poor Baby is still so exhausted. I asked to cancel today because with Baby puking and now Tot too it was just silly. Tyke is still over-tired and eating very little, although he is much better than he was.
Even with the kids sick we are all pretty happy around here. Daddy is home on vacation, so everyone likes the variation in the routine. We are preparing for the upcoming holidays and having a good time goofing around.
I am just waiting to see what God will do about visits. I hope he is going to put a stop to them, but I really just don't know. Maybe even visits, which look like a terrible, terrible, thing are all a part of His will. In all reality I cannot do any more to try and stop the trauma they are suffering. I just decided that I am going to enjoy all the hours that I don't have to send the boys to visits. There are a lot more of those anyway.
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Fantasizing
I was working in my kitchen and I realized my socks were getting wet. That was really frustrating since we just replaced our dishwasher. I got a rag to handle the clean up and realized there were strings of water all over the kitchen. Understanding dawned... Baby "Slobber-Bucket" strikes again. Someone is always making work for me so I won't have to worry if I am needed.
I worked my tail off yesterday and today the house is a mess again. How do they do that?! I fantasize about being 55 and the kids all gone and I will make some cute quaint meal for the hubs and myself and we will munch while sharing some quiet conversation and then take our two plates to the sink and wipe them down and wipe down our not very dirty counter and table and then go sit on our front porch and admire the view. People have some very strange fantasies. I just fantasize about two plates, oh yeah and small loads of laundry, and shoeless living rooms. Not that I don't love my loud, messy, slobbery, children who leave what I will call "shoe droppings" everywhere, because I do love them to pieces. Its just when I am sobbing as the last one heads off to make their own way in the world part of me is going to be really excited about dinner for 2!
I worked my tail off yesterday and today the house is a mess again. How do they do that?! I fantasize about being 55 and the kids all gone and I will make some cute quaint meal for the hubs and myself and we will munch while sharing some quiet conversation and then take our two plates to the sink and wipe them down and wipe down our not very dirty counter and table and then go sit on our front porch and admire the view. People have some very strange fantasies. I just fantasize about two plates, oh yeah and small loads of laundry, and shoeless living rooms. Not that I don't love my loud, messy, slobbery, children who leave what I will call "shoe droppings" everywhere, because I do love them to pieces. Its just when I am sobbing as the last one heads off to make their own way in the world part of me is going to be really excited about dinner for 2!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Reruns
Tyke has been having a really hard time since the visit last week. He is usually "over it" by now. He is going back to some old behaviors. He is sucking his thumb again and digging at his skin to the point of damage. He is trying to control every situation. If you want him to go slow he will go fast. If you want him to go fast he will go slow. If you say its time to sit he will stand and if you say its time to stand he will lay down (in the middle of children's church on the floor). He is hungry when it isn't time to eat and he is full when we sit down to eat. Its all about control. He tells me he is sick one minute and the next he is displaying manic behaviors. He is also acting out scenes from his past again and trying to involve me in them. I haven't seen that in a very very long time. I am sad.
I don't know what to do about it. It's the visit. He is tangled up inside. It's the fact that he knows she wants him back. He is a mess! I want to hold him and tell him he's mine forever because I know that is what he wants to hear, but I can't tell him that because I don't know what his future holds. Maybe I did something really wrong by telling him Mommy S loves him and wants him to come back to her home. I just really don't feel like I can continue not to talk about that and then it is just another violent change in his life.
I pray bio-momma gives up her rights. I know she can change, and be redeemed, and healed, and all of that, but Tyke needs to be free from that. The places I see him regressing to... He is going back to old ugly stuff because of ONE visit, what will happen when he is in her home and so ready and able to pick up old patterns?
I realized that God has been working and reworking me to this place of compassion for bio-mom. I really feel like I am getting it. The other night I prayed and I told God I was laying my will on the altar so I could be exactly what he wanted. I was sad to lay my will down because then how could I do what was best for the boys if I had a heart for her? Then within a few minutes after praying that fear lifted. I could see clearly maybe for the first time.
I am to pray for her and love her and seek God's will in all of our lives, but I being used by God in the role of advocate for these boys. To the best of my knowledge I am advocating and praying on Tyke, Tot, and Baby's behalf and for their best interests. Wherever my judgement is wrong I trust that God will correct it, and correct the course, but I can only fulfill my role and not become embittered in the process.
Another cool thing... Saturday night I was speaking to God in a very logical prayer about my "options" and what would God like me to do given my failings as I see them and the limitations of the system, etc.
I turned on the radio after this prayer time and the next program on featured the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths." Proverbs 3:5 It was yet another gentle reminder from the Lord that I don't have to have the plan, I only need to submit. When I think of that verse I just imagine that out of nowhere the Lord puts the path under my feet. If I just walk daily submitting to his will I don't have to look to the right or left to find my way. He is just going to make the path for me right where I am.
Oh yeah, and in Sunday School I heard about how a Mother Giraffe kicked her newborn calf repeatedly to get it to stand because she was "protecting" the baby by getting it to walk. Then when the baby giraffe finally stood up, she kicked it again and knocked it down. The person watching asked the zoologist why and the zoologist answered that she wanted the baby to remember how to get up. I realized that God has been using this whole process to bring me repeatedly to the place of surrendering my will. I have been asking God (accusingly) why he is making me go through this again and again. Why can't we just get to the next part already?! Then I realized that God is a little like that Momma giraffe. He is putting me in a difficult place so I will learn to do the hard things. When I think I have mastered surrender I often feel like I get kicked (tested) again and I learn again how to surrender. One of these days I pray my surrender will be as second nature to me as standing up.
See? I told you God was working on me!
I don't know what to do about it. It's the visit. He is tangled up inside. It's the fact that he knows she wants him back. He is a mess! I want to hold him and tell him he's mine forever because I know that is what he wants to hear, but I can't tell him that because I don't know what his future holds. Maybe I did something really wrong by telling him Mommy S loves him and wants him to come back to her home. I just really don't feel like I can continue not to talk about that and then it is just another violent change in his life.
I pray bio-momma gives up her rights. I know she can change, and be redeemed, and healed, and all of that, but Tyke needs to be free from that. The places I see him regressing to... He is going back to old ugly stuff because of ONE visit, what will happen when he is in her home and so ready and able to pick up old patterns?
I realized that God has been working and reworking me to this place of compassion for bio-mom. I really feel like I am getting it. The other night I prayed and I told God I was laying my will on the altar so I could be exactly what he wanted. I was sad to lay my will down because then how could I do what was best for the boys if I had a heart for her? Then within a few minutes after praying that fear lifted. I could see clearly maybe for the first time.
I am to pray for her and love her and seek God's will in all of our lives, but I being used by God in the role of advocate for these boys. To the best of my knowledge I am advocating and praying on Tyke, Tot, and Baby's behalf and for their best interests. Wherever my judgement is wrong I trust that God will correct it, and correct the course, but I can only fulfill my role and not become embittered in the process.
Another cool thing... Saturday night I was speaking to God in a very logical prayer about my "options" and what would God like me to do given my failings as I see them and the limitations of the system, etc.
I turned on the radio after this prayer time and the next program on featured the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths." Proverbs 3:5 It was yet another gentle reminder from the Lord that I don't have to have the plan, I only need to submit. When I think of that verse I just imagine that out of nowhere the Lord puts the path under my feet. If I just walk daily submitting to his will I don't have to look to the right or left to find my way. He is just going to make the path for me right where I am.
Oh yeah, and in Sunday School I heard about how a Mother Giraffe kicked her newborn calf repeatedly to get it to stand because she was "protecting" the baby by getting it to walk. Then when the baby giraffe finally stood up, she kicked it again and knocked it down. The person watching asked the zoologist why and the zoologist answered that she wanted the baby to remember how to get up. I realized that God has been using this whole process to bring me repeatedly to the place of surrendering my will. I have been asking God (accusingly) why he is making me go through this again and again. Why can't we just get to the next part already?! Then I realized that God is a little like that Momma giraffe. He is putting me in a difficult place so I will learn to do the hard things. When I think I have mastered surrender I often feel like I get kicked (tested) again and I learn again how to surrender. One of these days I pray my surrender will be as second nature to me as standing up.
See? I told you God was working on me!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Jonah
You know the story of Jonah most likely. A prophet of the Lord, he is told by God to go and tell and the evil city of Ninevah to change its ways or it will be destroyed. Jonah doesn't want the job. He runs away and gets swallowed up by a great fish after being thrown overboard (I am leaving out details obviously). Jonah prays and 3 days later the fish chucks him out and God tells Jonah, "Go deliver my message" and Jonah does. Then Jonah waits in anger for the Lord to deliver the punishment the people of Ninevah have coming. He waits and gets angry with God. God doesn't destroy the city, but shows mercy because the people repent due to Jonah's message. Jonah is angry and God lets him know that he prefers mercy and Jonah should want the same.
Well, last night I realized something. I am Jonah. For the first time ever in hearing the Jonah story I actually sympathized with Jonah. The people of Ninevah did evil things. Bio-mom has done evil things. They hurt the Israelites and for all we know they may have hurt some people Jonah himself cared very deeply for. Bio-mom has caused pain in 3 boys I love very much. Then God has the audacity to ask Jonah to help deliver a message that would help this city get mercy instead of retribution. God is asking me to pray for bio-mom and seek her salvation and redemption. Jonah got mad and rejected God's request for awhile. I got mad and ignored God's request for awhile.
I am still struggling here. I wonder... Did Jonah think Yes God, I delivered your message. Yes, they all appear to be repenting, but how do I know they won't behead anymore of my friends? They will just go back to their old ways. And their old ways were evil and full of violence and perversion. Jonah had to question whether God could really set people free from that. He had to question whether his message was ultimately going to cause more pain to those he loved, while God gave more time to the lost souls of Ninevah.
Jonah is so angry at being a part of God's mercy that he claims multiple times he would rather die. I say that in my own way. I know in my heart I would rather walk away from everything than be a part of sending the boys or any children back home to be further abused. I have MAJOR trust issues here, but they aren't with her, they are with God.
As we read through Jonah last night and I heard all the usual responses of how wrong Jonah was I wanted to shout, "DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN JONAH IS IN???" Letting go of certain atrocities to play a part in God bring forgiveness and redemption to certain people is no easy thing. This man was a prophet, a man favored by the Lord of all heaven to communicate with, and he struggled with his sense of justice and God's sense of mercy.
In the end we see that Jonah's struggle is futile. God is a God of mercy and he rescues the people of Ninevah from themselves and he tries to do the same for Jonah's sinful attitude. It is up to Jonah to decide whether he is willing to see things God's way, but that doesn't change God's Way. No amount of pouting or shouting is going to change who He is
I am not going to stay an angry Jonah towards bio-mom. This doesn't serve myself or my Father. I am taking steps even though they hurt and even though I struggle with some cynicism. My first step in reaching out was a little note and some pictures of the boys. My next step in walking away from my Jonah attitude is my prayer. I am praying for bio-mom's redemption and salvation. I am praying for her with my heart and not just my lips ( I pray also that we would be able to adopt the boys because I do want them to stay here forever). Today as the play therapist shared plans for partnering with bio-mom to help her turn things around I made a conscious choice to lay down my anger (after about 10-20 minutes of fretting. I am not gonna lie here.) Ultimately, I pray I will have the grace to promote and accept God's Way because there really is no other road to peace.
Well, last night I realized something. I am Jonah. For the first time ever in hearing the Jonah story I actually sympathized with Jonah. The people of Ninevah did evil things. Bio-mom has done evil things. They hurt the Israelites and for all we know they may have hurt some people Jonah himself cared very deeply for. Bio-mom has caused pain in 3 boys I love very much. Then God has the audacity to ask Jonah to help deliver a message that would help this city get mercy instead of retribution. God is asking me to pray for bio-mom and seek her salvation and redemption. Jonah got mad and rejected God's request for awhile. I got mad and ignored God's request for awhile.
I am still struggling here. I wonder... Did Jonah think Yes God, I delivered your message. Yes, they all appear to be repenting, but how do I know they won't behead anymore of my friends? They will just go back to their old ways. And their old ways were evil and full of violence and perversion. Jonah had to question whether God could really set people free from that. He had to question whether his message was ultimately going to cause more pain to those he loved, while God gave more time to the lost souls of Ninevah.
Jonah is so angry at being a part of God's mercy that he claims multiple times he would rather die. I say that in my own way. I know in my heart I would rather walk away from everything than be a part of sending the boys or any children back home to be further abused. I have MAJOR trust issues here, but they aren't with her, they are with God.
As we read through Jonah last night and I heard all the usual responses of how wrong Jonah was I wanted to shout, "DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN JONAH IS IN???" Letting go of certain atrocities to play a part in God bring forgiveness and redemption to certain people is no easy thing. This man was a prophet, a man favored by the Lord of all heaven to communicate with, and he struggled with his sense of justice and God's sense of mercy.
In the end we see that Jonah's struggle is futile. God is a God of mercy and he rescues the people of Ninevah from themselves and he tries to do the same for Jonah's sinful attitude. It is up to Jonah to decide whether he is willing to see things God's way, but that doesn't change God's Way. No amount of pouting or shouting is going to change who He is
I am not going to stay an angry Jonah towards bio-mom. This doesn't serve myself or my Father. I am taking steps even though they hurt and even though I struggle with some cynicism. My first step in reaching out was a little note and some pictures of the boys. My next step in walking away from my Jonah attitude is my prayer. I am praying for bio-mom's redemption and salvation. I am praying for her with my heart and not just my lips ( I pray also that we would be able to adopt the boys because I do want them to stay here forever). Today as the play therapist shared plans for partnering with bio-mom to help her turn things around I made a conscious choice to lay down my anger (after about 10-20 minutes of fretting. I am not gonna lie here.) Ultimately, I pray I will have the grace to promote and accept God's Way because there really is no other road to peace.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Do Not Worry
Matthew 6:25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry
about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what
you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than
clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If
that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and
tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you
of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own
It is so easy to get caught up in the worry of wondering what will happen when you are involved with foster care. Today, God reminded me that I need to put worry away from me. I can't change anything that is happening or not happening in the case by stressing and worrying about it. My worry affects only me. I recalled that if the boys were anywhere else I would be relieved for the break and chance to get things done. So during today's visit I set aside my worry and got to doing all that needs doing in my home. I can only do what I can do, the rest is up to the Lord and his timing.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
A Visit and a Revelation
Yes, there was a visit today. I did not want that to happen, but the boys are doing fine, so I am fine. Tot decided he would test my authority very quickly upon his return. I tried to reason with him. He was not feeling reasonable, so I scooped him up and put him in his room until lunch was ready. He screamed in there for a good long while. Until he heard me mention (rather loudly) to his brother that I hoped Tot could stop screaming soon, so I could bring him down for lunch. The room got quiet rather quickly.
Baby also decided he would follow me around screaming. This is Baby's new thing when I cook. He follows me around crying trying to get picked up. He is growing into his brothers' screams. They are loud and piercing and peace-rattling. I tried to redirect, to talk to him, to tell him, "no," but he just kept on, so I scooped him up and let him scream in his crib until lunch was ready. I sang loudly to myself over the 2 screamers, "IT IS WELL, IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL!"
I am still praying for God to move in this situation, but I am at peace. I pray daily for God's will to be done here and I believe it will be. I have always believed God's will would be done, I just wasn't sure if his will and mine matched up. A lot of my strong feelings have come from the fears of my own pain. I am afraid of how much it will hurt to lose them. I am afraid of what their life will be like. I am afraid, that God's will could cause me loss and pain and grief. God is teaching me what truly accepting his will should look like.
I expect my children to trust my wisdom. When I tell them it is time for bed I expect them to go to bed without attitude. As the authority figure, I am worthy of their respect and compliance. I absolutely think it is ridiculous for Liv to cry and pout and feel unloved and unwanted because I am doing what is best for her. I know she needs sleep. I know her day and her life will be better if she is well rested. Discipline often follows failing to obey with a good attitude. Even though I expect my children to obey me and trust me and choose joy over throwing a fit, I have been reserving my right to throw a fit if God decides to take my babies. I have just been harboring a resolve not to be okay if they leave.
I would NEVER allow my children to behave this way! My Heavenly Father is so much more patient than I. I can't believe he puts up with me sometimes. Today I am resolving to mold myself to His will. I am going to keep praying for the boys well-being and for the Lord's will to be done. I am dumping my right to be too damaged for His further use.
I pray Lord, use me how you would use me. If I get to be a forever-Mom to these boys, that sounds like a great plan to me, but more than anything I want your will. You see the whole story and I only see my right-nows. If you have an alternative plan for how I will serve your kingdom let me be willing and open to that. Just as I expect my children to trust me and obey me without fight, I pray that you will help me to develop the same childlike trust and obedience for your authority in my life. Amen.
Baby also decided he would follow me around screaming. This is Baby's new thing when I cook. He follows me around crying trying to get picked up. He is growing into his brothers' screams. They are loud and piercing and peace-rattling. I tried to redirect, to talk to him, to tell him, "no," but he just kept on, so I scooped him up and let him scream in his crib until lunch was ready. I sang loudly to myself over the 2 screamers, "IT IS WELL, IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL!"
I am still praying for God to move in this situation, but I am at peace. I pray daily for God's will to be done here and I believe it will be. I have always believed God's will would be done, I just wasn't sure if his will and mine matched up. A lot of my strong feelings have come from the fears of my own pain. I am afraid of how much it will hurt to lose them. I am afraid of what their life will be like. I am afraid, that God's will could cause me loss and pain and grief. God is teaching me what truly accepting his will should look like.
I expect my children to trust my wisdom. When I tell them it is time for bed I expect them to go to bed without attitude. As the authority figure, I am worthy of their respect and compliance. I absolutely think it is ridiculous for Liv to cry and pout and feel unloved and unwanted because I am doing what is best for her. I know she needs sleep. I know her day and her life will be better if she is well rested. Discipline often follows failing to obey with a good attitude. Even though I expect my children to obey me and trust me and choose joy over throwing a fit, I have been reserving my right to throw a fit if God decides to take my babies. I have just been harboring a resolve not to be okay if they leave.
I would NEVER allow my children to behave this way! My Heavenly Father is so much more patient than I. I can't believe he puts up with me sometimes. Today I am resolving to mold myself to His will. I am going to keep praying for the boys well-being and for the Lord's will to be done. I am dumping my right to be too damaged for His further use.
I pray Lord, use me how you would use me. If I get to be a forever-Mom to these boys, that sounds like a great plan to me, but more than anything I want your will. You see the whole story and I only see my right-nows. If you have an alternative plan for how I will serve your kingdom let me be willing and open to that. Just as I expect my children to trust me and obey me without fight, I pray that you will help me to develop the same childlike trust and obedience for your authority in my life. Amen.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Fostering a Healing Relationship
Liv and Tyke have a difficult relationship right now. They are growing together, but that has been a slow build. My Liv is one who remembers a hurt. I am working with her, but she is quicker to mistreat Tyke than any of the others. When he first came she was so excited about the babies. She sounded like a little Mommy to all of them, but unexpectedly (for her) Tyke lashed out and hurt her physically many times in the first couple of months. She got bit hard several times, she watched favorite toys be broken in anger, she experienced countless "hit and runs," not only with hands, but with hard objects. Tyke would jump on her back as she lay on the floor and he would often pull her long hair. These things are mostly memories now, but she doesn't trust him and jumps on everything he does that even seems questionable because she is just sure he is up to no good.
I am worried about my girl and I discussed the relationship with the therapist today. The therapist reminded me that no only did she get hurt when she opened her heart and home, but she was the baby, and she lost her place x 3. I have worked hard to keep the special mommy daughter thing going but she still is struggling. I am sure some of it is age appropriate. She still prays nightly (without me telling her to) that the boys will stay forever. I know she loves them, but teaching forgiveness is a hard concept. It is one thing to say you forgive, but it is quite another to trust again.
Liv never handed out her trust easily. We used to laugh at the differences between her and Cy. Cy never met a stranger and everyone he met was assumed to be wonderful by him. He would smile for anyone who made up to him. If Cy got hurt he seemed momentarily confused and shrugged it off. Liv was a beautiful baby girl and so many tried to engage the pretty baby in check out lines or at church. As soon as someone spoke to her she would give them a dirty look. No, she did not look afraid or start crying, she had a chubby baby stare down going on and she gave anyone who presumed she would speak to them or allow them to touch her an angry scowl. If she ever got hurt, even if she hurt herself she would react in angry tears an lash out at whoever was closest. I remember one time as a toddler I heard her screaming in anger. I knew she'd been hurt and I rushed to her. She was sobbing and she pointed accusingly at a nearby wall and said angrily, "DA WALL GET ME MOMMA!" She has outgrown indiscriminate scowling and volatile anger accompanying boo boos, but she has not outgrown the immediate distrust of someone who has dared harm her.
i need to help her in this area, so I am blogging mostly to be able to help myself with ideas for her continued growth. I am hoping to be able to teach her that forgiveness is not a feeling that she will carry around magically. Forgiveness is an act of faith that shows our trust in God's ability to heal us, it is not something we can make happen on our own. We forgive those who have hurt us as we place them back into our prayer-life by seeking God for their well-being and we forgive them as we consciously shove them back into the compassionate side of our brain when we'd rather lash out again. God has given me plenty of opportunity to practice this for myself.
My mission is to figure out how I can break this down into a 6 year old level. I will encourage her to pray for him and I will encourage her to think about how things might be hard for him. I will encourage her to give him a chance to be close to her so God can bring the ultimate healing where forgiveness no longer has to be a conscious choice for her, but it can be a given in Tyke and Liv's relationship. I pray God helps me in this. If you have any ideas for how I can teach my lovely Liv I would love to hear them.
I am worried about my girl and I discussed the relationship with the therapist today. The therapist reminded me that no only did she get hurt when she opened her heart and home, but she was the baby, and she lost her place x 3. I have worked hard to keep the special mommy daughter thing going but she still is struggling. I am sure some of it is age appropriate. She still prays nightly (without me telling her to) that the boys will stay forever. I know she loves them, but teaching forgiveness is a hard concept. It is one thing to say you forgive, but it is quite another to trust again.
Liv never handed out her trust easily. We used to laugh at the differences between her and Cy. Cy never met a stranger and everyone he met was assumed to be wonderful by him. He would smile for anyone who made up to him. If Cy got hurt he seemed momentarily confused and shrugged it off. Liv was a beautiful baby girl and so many tried to engage the pretty baby in check out lines or at church. As soon as someone spoke to her she would give them a dirty look. No, she did not look afraid or start crying, she had a chubby baby stare down going on and she gave anyone who presumed she would speak to them or allow them to touch her an angry scowl. If she ever got hurt, even if she hurt herself she would react in angry tears an lash out at whoever was closest. I remember one time as a toddler I heard her screaming in anger. I knew she'd been hurt and I rushed to her. She was sobbing and she pointed accusingly at a nearby wall and said angrily, "DA WALL GET ME MOMMA!" She has outgrown indiscriminate scowling and volatile anger accompanying boo boos, but she has not outgrown the immediate distrust of someone who has dared harm her.
i need to help her in this area, so I am blogging mostly to be able to help myself with ideas for her continued growth. I am hoping to be able to teach her that forgiveness is not a feeling that she will carry around magically. Forgiveness is an act of faith that shows our trust in God's ability to heal us, it is not something we can make happen on our own. We forgive those who have hurt us as we place them back into our prayer-life by seeking God for their well-being and we forgive them as we consciously shove them back into the compassionate side of our brain when we'd rather lash out again. God has given me plenty of opportunity to practice this for myself.
My mission is to figure out how I can break this down into a 6 year old level. I will encourage her to pray for him and I will encourage her to think about how things might be hard for him. I will encourage her to give him a chance to be close to her so God can bring the ultimate healing where forgiveness no longer has to be a conscious choice for her, but it can be a given in Tyke and Liv's relationship. I pray God helps me in this. If you have any ideas for how I can teach my lovely Liv I would love to hear them.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Therapy and Ah Ha Moments.
Therapy was good today for the boys. The therapist used another means for the boys to communicate other than talking.
The caseworker came out and said point blank that we needed behavioral responses to things rather than the boys words because little children's words can be so easily manipulated. I let my boys' therapists know this and we are now collecting that sort of evidence.
I called my caseworker today and she sounds amazed that more was not done like this earlier in the case. Me too actually, but no one from the state was any help whatsoever. With no experience in these matters and no direction the case is where it is. The caseworker could take action based on everything that came out of today's therapy, but I don't expect anything.
I had an "ah ha!" moment tonight...
God doesn't need me at all in order to work His will in my family, in DC$, or in anyone around me. My cooperation allows God to perform his will in MY life without so much pain for me. That's it. He doesn't even need me for the boys. I am not vital to the plans He has for others' lives I am vital to his plans for my life. God is God! If he can stop time, holds ultimate power over life and death, and can speak a universe into existence, then He does not need me to accomplish His will!
This is so freeing!!! Being used by God is a privilege for me, not a necessity for God's plans. I don't have to come up with the right convicting words to be used by God to change a heart. I don't have to convince DC$ of the right thing to do. I don't have to have perfect parenting ideas. I don't have to do perfect and be perfect so that everyone's worlds will be perfect. I have no control over that! Oh thank you God that I don't have control over that.
If I say "yes" to something God will use it for my good and if I say "no" he will use that too! Not one life will veer outside the Will of my Heavenly Father because I turned right instead of left, said, "no" instead of "yes," gave another chance instead of giving a time-out. He's using it all, every single second, to do what He wants done and He has no need for part-time help from me or any other "problem solvers" out there.
So now a little celebration.... I have no control! I am free from worrying about how others feel about every little thing! I just need to cooperate with the Lord! I can do that! My mommy used to say I was a very cooperative child. This rocks! I can do it! Woo Hoo!
Okay, my childish celebration is complete. I need to hang onto this and never let it go. God doesn't need me, I need Him.
The caseworker came out and said point blank that we needed behavioral responses to things rather than the boys words because little children's words can be so easily manipulated. I let my boys' therapists know this and we are now collecting that sort of evidence.
I called my caseworker today and she sounds amazed that more was not done like this earlier in the case. Me too actually, but no one from the state was any help whatsoever. With no experience in these matters and no direction the case is where it is. The caseworker could take action based on everything that came out of today's therapy, but I don't expect anything.
I had an "ah ha!" moment tonight...
God doesn't need me at all in order to work His will in my family, in DC$, or in anyone around me. My cooperation allows God to perform his will in MY life without so much pain for me. That's it. He doesn't even need me for the boys. I am not vital to the plans He has for others' lives I am vital to his plans for my life. God is God! If he can stop time, holds ultimate power over life and death, and can speak a universe into existence, then He does not need me to accomplish His will!
This is so freeing!!! Being used by God is a privilege for me, not a necessity for God's plans. I don't have to come up with the right convicting words to be used by God to change a heart. I don't have to convince DC$ of the right thing to do. I don't have to have perfect parenting ideas. I don't have to do perfect and be perfect so that everyone's worlds will be perfect. I have no control over that! Oh thank you God that I don't have control over that.
If I say "yes" to something God will use it for my good and if I say "no" he will use that too! Not one life will veer outside the Will of my Heavenly Father because I turned right instead of left, said, "no" instead of "yes," gave another chance instead of giving a time-out. He's using it all, every single second, to do what He wants done and He has no need for part-time help from me or any other "problem solvers" out there.
So now a little celebration.... I have no control! I am free from worrying about how others feel about every little thing! I just need to cooperate with the Lord! I can do that! My mommy used to say I was a very cooperative child. This rocks! I can do it! Woo Hoo!
Okay, my childish celebration is complete. I need to hang onto this and never let it go. God doesn't need me, I need Him.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Failure
I feel like a failure right now. I had to call the caseworker and ask her to remove Tyke today. She told me that this means most likely all 3 will be removed. I told her I knew that, but it makes me very sad. I don't want that at all, I don't even want Tyke to leave. I wanted to be able to help him through his fear and anger, but the level of violence and anger in the home is just more than I can handle any longer. Every suggestion from DCS for discipline involves me turning my back on the others and giving the offender ALL of my attention and I cannot turn my back on 4 other children all the time. It is creating an atmosphere of chaos.
Tot's behaviors have gotten worse as Tyke has taken more and more of the attention from him. He is screaming more, hitting more, kicking more, and crying all the time unless I am holding his hand. Tot's desires are simple. He wants to play with toys, dance in the kitchen, and be by my side as much as possible, but I can't give him these simple things with all the drama going on.
Tyke never got to be the baby. He desperately needs to be somebody's cherished baby. All of his best behaviors have happened when no one else is around to "compete" with and all the worst have happened when he wants attention. Tyke was not even a month old when Tot was conceived. Add to that all of the abuse and he is one very angry and overlooked boy. Now the same behaviors are coming from Tot because he too has to be set aside all of the time to deal with Tyke's outbursts. I am worried for Baby as well. I have to put him down over and over and over to deal with acting out from both Tyke and Tot. This is at a time in his life when he is learning to trust and learning that his needs will be met. I fear he is next in line to be angry. My lap is not big enough for 3 boys that need it so much and I only have 2 arms.
I am praying for the Lord's will. He alone knows if it is best for these boys to be together or separate. I expect all 3 will be leaving me by Monday and I am broken because of the loss. These boys need better than me I guess. I hope the Lord can find that for them. I am trusting the Lord here because its all I have. I am not the best home for Tyke and I am so disappointed in myself right now.
Tot's behaviors have gotten worse as Tyke has taken more and more of the attention from him. He is screaming more, hitting more, kicking more, and crying all the time unless I am holding his hand. Tot's desires are simple. He wants to play with toys, dance in the kitchen, and be by my side as much as possible, but I can't give him these simple things with all the drama going on.
Tyke never got to be the baby. He desperately needs to be somebody's cherished baby. All of his best behaviors have happened when no one else is around to "compete" with and all the worst have happened when he wants attention. Tyke was not even a month old when Tot was conceived. Add to that all of the abuse and he is one very angry and overlooked boy. Now the same behaviors are coming from Tot because he too has to be set aside all of the time to deal with Tyke's outbursts. I am worried for Baby as well. I have to put him down over and over and over to deal with acting out from both Tyke and Tot. This is at a time in his life when he is learning to trust and learning that his needs will be met. I fear he is next in line to be angry. My lap is not big enough for 3 boys that need it so much and I only have 2 arms.
I am praying for the Lord's will. He alone knows if it is best for these boys to be together or separate. I expect all 3 will be leaving me by Monday and I am broken because of the loss. These boys need better than me I guess. I hope the Lord can find that for them. I am trusting the Lord here because its all I have. I am not the best home for Tyke and I am so disappointed in myself right now.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Oh Man!
I got a call from a family finder. "Will you take a 1 year old girl and 4 year old boy? "
YES, YES, YES!
" I think we could do that. Can you give me some more details?" Sounding like I get a call for exactly the type of placement I want everyday of the week. I was told about a couple health issues that were okay with my husband and myself.
So once we hung up the phone. I got to cleaning and planning for the kids. I let my Mom know so she could pray and I was praying. "Lord, if these children should not come here please shut the door, otherwise prepare our family and prepare them." I prayed this last time we were placed and I plan to pray it every single time.
1 hour later I get a call. More information came to light and the children are going to be placed somewhere else because they qualify for a therapeutic home. (We actually used to be therapeutic foster parents several years ago). So I am grateful to God, because obviously he shut the door, and I am sad, because it feels like someone dangled a carrot and then took it away. I don't want any children to come here that aren't sent directly by God into our specific care, but I want so much for our children to come here. In any case I was feeling glad that even if these children were temporary it would keep my mind and heart busy...
Now its just any old day and I cut my walk with the kids short too! I know I am pouting. I will stop now.
Thank you Lord for protecting my family from a wrong placement. Thank you for protecting those children from a wrong placement. Help me wait. Love you Jesus. Sorry I feel like crying right now. I still trust you though.
Me
YES, YES, YES!
" I think we could do that. Can you give me some more details?" Sounding like I get a call for exactly the type of placement I want everyday of the week. I was told about a couple health issues that were okay with my husband and myself.
So once we hung up the phone. I got to cleaning and planning for the kids. I let my Mom know so she could pray and I was praying. "Lord, if these children should not come here please shut the door, otherwise prepare our family and prepare them." I prayed this last time we were placed and I plan to pray it every single time.
1 hour later I get a call. More information came to light and the children are going to be placed somewhere else because they qualify for a therapeutic home. (We actually used to be therapeutic foster parents several years ago). So I am grateful to God, because obviously he shut the door, and I am sad, because it feels like someone dangled a carrot and then took it away. I don't want any children to come here that aren't sent directly by God into our specific care, but I want so much for our children to come here. In any case I was feeling glad that even if these children were temporary it would keep my mind and heart busy...
Now its just any old day and I cut my walk with the kids short too! I know I am pouting. I will stop now.
Thank you Lord for protecting my family from a wrong placement. Thank you for protecting those children from a wrong placement. Help me wait. Love you Jesus. Sorry I feel like crying right now. I still trust you though.
Me
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Empty.. and Full
My husband took today off to sort of say "Goodbye" to our little guys. Even with my family here things felt really empty.
I am back in my favorite spot that I have had no time for in the past 2 weeks. It's a rocker in the corner of my living room where I can see the pond. I am beginning to see this as my waiting and hoping spot. My heart is wondering what is next? What will the Lord ask? Will he let me have children to adopt now or will he want me to love and let go of others?
I really did very well today. I accept that the boys staying here was not meant to be. I know that is because my friends were praying for me. Still after hugs and goodbyes that last look before the caseworker shut her door got me. Frank looked just the tiniest bit scared and sad. He is only 6 and my favorite thing to do with him was get him giggling. For Frank, Middle, and Little, I put on my biggest smile and waved like I was excited for them. I turned around quickly and headed for the house as my tears fell. I love those boys. I know it was only 2 weeks, but I love them.
After the boys left we spent some family time playing boys vs girls on Mario Cart. The boys did win the tournament, but Mommy and Olivia were right on their tails and we did take a few races! Tonight we will go make gluttons of ourselves over Mexican food (a family favorite). Daddy is out in the workshop with the kids and they are doing quality bonding things with tractors and engines. Tomorrow, I can do school again with only minor interruptions and life will go on, and even though life kind of feels empty I thank God because it really is still very full.
I am back in my favorite spot that I have had no time for in the past 2 weeks. It's a rocker in the corner of my living room where I can see the pond. I am beginning to see this as my waiting and hoping spot. My heart is wondering what is next? What will the Lord ask? Will he let me have children to adopt now or will he want me to love and let go of others?
I really did very well today. I accept that the boys staying here was not meant to be. I know that is because my friends were praying for me. Still after hugs and goodbyes that last look before the caseworker shut her door got me. Frank looked just the tiniest bit scared and sad. He is only 6 and my favorite thing to do with him was get him giggling. For Frank, Middle, and Little, I put on my biggest smile and waved like I was excited for them. I turned around quickly and headed for the house as my tears fell. I love those boys. I know it was only 2 weeks, but I love them.
After the boys left we spent some family time playing boys vs girls on Mario Cart. The boys did win the tournament, but Mommy and Olivia were right on their tails and we did take a few races! Tonight we will go make gluttons of ourselves over Mexican food (a family favorite). Daddy is out in the workshop with the kids and they are doing quality bonding things with tractors and engines. Tomorrow, I can do school again with only minor interruptions and life will go on, and even though life kind of feels empty I thank God because it really is still very full.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
He knows...
Somehow Little knows what's going on. I can't quite tell you how, but he has been the worst he has been since he came here. He only slept for a short time at nap time and woke up fussy and he had a terrible time going to bed tonight. Poor baby. I know he understands on some level.
On a good note Middle and Frank were afraid they might forget how to pray. They told me Nanna and Daddy don't pray. So tonight they learned a simple prayer, "Lord, help me to know you, keep me safe, and help me to do what's right. Amen." They wanted to practice it several times. We did, and I told them they could just talk to God about anything, but they still seem nervous about that. They like the prayer and I like the seed they are taking with them. Thank you Lord for another good gift.
On a good note Middle and Frank were afraid they might forget how to pray. They told me Nanna and Daddy don't pray. So tonight they learned a simple prayer, "Lord, help me to know you, keep me safe, and help me to do what's right. Amen." They wanted to practice it several times. We did, and I told them they could just talk to God about anything, but they still seem nervous about that. They like the prayer and I like the seed they are taking with them. Thank you Lord for another good gift.
Breaking...
My heart is breaking right now. Our boys were court ordered to go and live with family. They leave tomorrow. I think the boys will be happy initially, but from what I understand they are being split up. Frank and Middle are headed to one home and Little is being sent somewhere else.
I can't help but think of how emotional LIttle was when the boys first started school. He walked around crying for them and was distressed all day. He has figured out they come home and he does better now. How will he do when he learns they aren't coming?
How will my heart do when I don't get to see their shy happy smiles when I tuck them in and kiss them? In this short amount of time they have already learned about prayer. Middle says, "Don't forget to pray for me too!" Little likes to fold his hands at the dinner table and I saw him do it at church on Sunday too. He knew we were all praying and wanted to join in.
How will my chest feel without Little's head resting on it for rocking time. It's his favorite phrase. "I wanna wock pwease."
I knew this wouldn't be easy and it is not. I trust in the Lord. I trust in his will, but I do not want to foster. I want to be a forever momma. I don't know if that makes me bad. Does that make me bad? It hurts to let go but I will. They are not my kids. They are HIS and I do trust my Jesus.
I can't help but think of how emotional LIttle was when the boys first started school. He walked around crying for them and was distressed all day. He has figured out they come home and he does better now. How will he do when he learns they aren't coming?
How will my heart do when I don't get to see their shy happy smiles when I tuck them in and kiss them? In this short amount of time they have already learned about prayer. Middle says, "Don't forget to pray for me too!" Little likes to fold his hands at the dinner table and I saw him do it at church on Sunday too. He knew we were all praying and wanted to join in.
How will my chest feel without Little's head resting on it for rocking time. It's his favorite phrase. "I wanna wock pwease."
I knew this wouldn't be easy and it is not. I trust in the Lord. I trust in his will, but I do not want to foster. I want to be a forever momma. I don't know if that makes me bad. Does that make me bad? It hurts to let go but I will. They are not my kids. They are HIS and I do trust my Jesus.
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