Middle of the Night call

So we just got a call about an hour ago.  A home is needed for 3 boys.  A 1 year old, a 2 year old, and in a day or so a 4 month old (he's in the hospital and that's all I know so pray for him).  My husband is meeting the caseworker right now and picking them up.

We will skip over the fact that I am insane.  I also have major practical issues.  Like, I have 1 bottle.  ONE! The caseworker does not have any for them.  I have a pack and play and a toddler bed.  My daughter's big  bed will turn into a crib, but then we lose the mattress for a toddler bed.  I have one 5 point harness seat.  The caseworker is loaning us one.  I need about a hundred practical things.

Also, I should be resting but I can't because my life is about to go bonkerz.  I mean seriously who can REST when they have 5 of each size diaper in their house and three diaper butts on the way!  Ok, so probably no one is reading this at this insane hour, but please, please, please, pray for all involved here.  Yes, I do believe God has a sense of humor.  A dangled carrot.... Hah!

Oh yes, a final thought.  What will my children think when they wake up to find that everything changed while they were sleeping? 

Oh Man!

I got a call from a family finder.  "Will you take a 1 year old girl and 4 year old boy? " 
YES, YES, YES!
" I think we could do that.  Can you give me some more details?"  Sounding like I get a call for exactly the type of placement I want everyday of the week.  I was told about a couple health issues that were okay with my husband and myself.

So once we hung up the phone.  I got to cleaning and planning for the kids.  I let my Mom know so she could pray and I was praying.  "Lord, if these children should not come here please shut the door, otherwise prepare our family and prepare them."  I prayed this last time we were placed and I plan to pray it every single time.

1 hour later I get a call.  More information came to light and the children are going to be placed somewhere else because they qualify for a therapeutic home.  (We actually used to be therapeutic foster parents several years ago).  So I am grateful to God, because obviously he shut the door, and I am sad, because it feels like someone dangled a carrot and then took it away.  I don't want any children to come here that aren't sent directly by God into our specific care, but I want so much for our children to come here.  In any case I was feeling glad that even if these children were temporary it would keep my mind and heart busy...

Now its just any old day and I cut my walk with the kids short too!  I know I am pouting.  I will stop now.

Thank you Lord for protecting my family from a wrong placement.  Thank you for protecting those children from a wrong placement.  Help me wait.  Love you Jesus.  Sorry I feel like crying right now.  I still trust you though.

Me

Parting Gifts

From November 7th until just before Christmas I was sick with a terrible cold.  The worst I have ever had.  I went through 2 rounds of antibiotics and after the second round I finally dropped the illness.  As you know, if you have been reading, Frank, Middle, and Little were placed with us the week after Christmas.  Little came with a bonus...  He had a beautiful head cold.  Just before they left I started coughing again.  Little's parting gift for me was ANOTHER cold.  Fast forward to the end of January and I am STILL coughing.  This thing  just won't leave my chest!  I started typing a whine fest, but I deleted it.  I don't even want to listen to myself.  So if we were to get placed my biggest request is that I would be healthy and whole, and my Livvy too because she is sick now.

Our home study was forwarded to the adoption review team for the out-of-state sibling group I inquired about.  If we were chosen the recruiter said we would probably hear nothing until March. I would like to say we are waiting to hear something, but the truth is we may never hear another thing about this group.  I am just going to have to trust that everything will work out as it should.

This blog is going to be short.  My children want to be close today (As in practically on top of the laptop close)  and I can barely move to even type.  I love my babes, but Momma needs some breathing room!

Why does interstate adoption have to be hard?

I saw some children on www.adoptuskids.org that I would love to adopt last night.  They are in a different state.  I made the inquiry anyway, but I am learning that it can be very hard to be considered if you are not in the same state.

In a way I get it.  The system tries to help the kids keep their connections rather than having them experience yet another move and another loss.  I have also been told that caseworkers won't even look at your homestudy if you are out of state, and our state adoption specialist seemed to push me away from considering out-of-state adoption too.  Still I inquired, because when I saw these kids I felt electricity go through me.  Now, maybe I need to use more fabric softener on my blankets to help with static, but I felt something and I had to inquire.

So who knows?  I am sure of one thing.  If my children are across oceans, continents, mountains, or a teeny tiny state line it does not matter.  The Lord will build our family and he will handle the logistics of it all.  In my head though I am whispering "Please let the casworker consider us.  Please!  Please! Please!"

OK!  Where is the girl that knows begging doesn't change anything?  Where is the girl that KNOWS she does not want her will but rather the Lord's.  Well... She'll be back in a minute.  I saw some babies last night that made my heart beat so fast I took forever falling asleep.  I prayed for them.  For whoever their family will be, and yes, I prayed again for my babies to come home.

Until then, maybe I will see a hundred kids that make me excited, that make me pray, that make me surrender... AGAIN.  I suppose that's not such a bad thing.

Sneaky Sleepover

Remember me mentioning the kids wanting to do EVERYTHING together?  Well, we put them in their separate rooms and in their separate beds, and although we have enough beds to sleep ten people in this house, they chose the cozy comfort of a twin-sized bed.

Priceless

Geese in September

Before the geese part... Yesterday a chicken flew the coop.  A dog chased the chicken.  A boy chased the dog and then the chicken.  Mommy came out and with the help of a stalking kitty we rescued the chicken from itself.

Seriously, my life is so stinking fun.  I mean yes, Cy was crying, and it made us run late, and the chicken was in thorn bushes, and my 5 year old was trying to "help," but how do you do anything but laugh?

Yet, in the midst of chicken mania and full calendars I can't wait to add some more craziness.

Now I am changing the subject.  This is not allowed in writing, but this is my blog and unfortunately my brain...

A couple nights ago as I went to bed I prayed "God please, when will we adopt, how many what will they look like?!"  I thought  just maybe, God might just show me.

At some point in the night I had this very vivid dream.  My husband is holding Cy and Liv's hands.  I am pushing a stroller with a baby in it and holding on to Baxter's leash, while 3 speckled geese run around our feet as we stroll along a beach in Florida.  I tell Ryan we should leash our geese or we will lose them so he puts them on leashes.  We discuss vacationing in Florida in September and Ryan buys tickets for our vacation from a street vendor.  As we continue through the market and things get crowded the dog and the geese are all circling around my legs.  I say "This is getting crazy!" 

It was just so funny!  I woke up thinking, Okay God so we are adopting Geese in September???  My brain is so WEIRD!

An Admission

Do you ever get sad and have no energy for life?  Do you ever feel like it's all meaningless? I am an optimist by nature so this is rare for me, but last week I was really struggling with Depression.  There I said it.  It's something I did not want to admit.  For me it felt like I was somehow saying that all of God's blessings were somehow not enough.  I was so disgusted with myself and I was just praying to snap out of it.  I finally got the depression commercial where the woman is a walking wind-up toy.  That is exactly how I was feeling!


I clean the house because I am supposed to... Blah.
I do schoolwork because I am supposed to... Blah.
I attend this event because I am supposed to, I smile because I am supposed to, and I snuggle my babies because I am supposed to.  Blah.  Blah. Blah.

My husband made one teeny tiny comment about my lack of motivation around the home (trust me it was apparent!) and I got mad and then sad and it all just burst out on him, and he took it like the manly man he is and very simply told me my feelings were ok.

I have really struggled because I felt like it wasn't ok to be so sad about an empty house when obviously that is in the higher plan for now.  I did not want to mention it to myself or anyone else.  In a way he kind of set me free in that moment.  I felt free to be sad at least between Ryan and me.

I am doing much better this week, and I learned one little thing about myself that I am acknowledging and accepting.  I like having a full house.  I like having kids spend the day, the night, whenever!  Even if they don't talk to me, it fills something in me.  I love having friends over and sharing our lives.  I am happiest when I am with people.  I draw energy from interaction.  I know there are people that draw energy from quiet reflection but not me.

Now, how to put a nice bow on it all?  Through this process the Lord is teaching me about who I am and what I need.  I am learning about what encourages me and what an amazing man I married.  My husband is my best friend.  When I am low he doesn't yell at me to get out of the silly hole I am in; he comes and holds my hand (at the kitchen counter) and tells me its okay.    In some way that helps me to be okay again.

Bonding?

My children are upstairs building legos together.  This may sound mundane to you, but this is a tiny "Praise Jesus!"  moment for me.  They have called this weird truce since the boys left.  They watch tv together, play video games together, build things together, take care of the chickens together.  There is some minor arguing, but not much.

It is possibly a result of loneliness, but neither one of them wants to sleep in their rooms alone.  So for now, they are both bunking in my Cy's room.  Basically, we decided last night that this could continue as long as they understood that we may be going back to the old way if God brings more children.  It kind of just depends on the needs of the kids that come here.

I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced this?  They do not seem traumatized and my Liv has NEVER liked sleeping alone. At this point I am chalking it up to bonding.  Maybe with the boys coming in and going out they are realizing that they are lucky to have each other? Even as I type this I doubt they are being that  cerebral about it.  Whatever it is they are suddenly new best friends.  It's nice.

 I had to pause this post because strange and alarming noises were coming from the garage.  Our 9 month old Golden Retriever, Baxter, carried a chicken, alive and cackling angrily, into our garage.  The poor chicken was surrounded instantly by 4 cats and  our old dog, Sara (Sara is a much more efficient chicken killer).  We had a chicken death recently (death by dog) and all the animals ate some fresh bird before we found it.  You can understand why I jumped up and ran out the door shooing animals away trying to save the frightened bird.  The two new best buddies came out and scooped up Henny Penny, as they call her and took her back to the safety of the pen.  Now they plan to work with our Baxter on proper behavior around the chicken cage.  They are discussing their plans as they feed the chickens for the day and collect eggs.



Baxter needs to learn its all fun and games until a chicken gets dead!

The King's Daughter

There once was a great King who looked out and saw a slave girl being tortured by an evil master.  He reached out to her and she took his hand knowing he would be her salvation.  Prepared to be a slave to a better master, the slave girl was overwhelmed when the King made her a daughter.  He surrounded her with gifts.  He lavished her life with beauty, and blessings.  She enjoyed a new life of protection and provision.  The King's love for her was unfailing.

The princess, often forgot her former slavery as she enjoyed the gifts her Father gave her.  Many times she was given gifts even without asking.  Very soon, the princess forgot those things were gifts at all.  They were just part of her life.  Whenever she had a need she would cry to her Father the King.  Many times the King answered her cries immediately, because, after all, the King's love was unfailing.  When the King said "No" or "Wait," the princess, surrounded by the King's luxury, would lament her difficult life and she would beg her Father for what she wanted.

Often, the King would be busy working on yet another gift for his princess and she would pout, and cry, and worry.  The tiny part of her that remembered slavery was always worried that somehow the King was done with her.  The King knew this about his temperamental daughter and he loved her anyway.  He loved her like a priceless gift and he continued to bless her.  His love for her was unfailing.

On her worst days, the Princess, became once again a slave in her mind, prepared to beg and plead, manipulate, and throw a fit if necessary.  On her best days, the Princess remembered her Father, the King, was always at work on her behalf and she felt humbled and small by his generosity and his unfailing love.

   "May your unfailing love, rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."  Psalm 33:22

Delight

A verse was on my mind yesterday.   "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."   From time to time yesterday this feeling of dull ache would come up.  It wasn't despair, just a longing.  Anyway, this verse went through my head.

Later, I remembered a friend had given me a book to read.  I have been so busy that I had no time to look at it.  As I read through the pages there again was "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  written in bold at the beginning of a chapter.  It really stood out to me (especially since I had just been thinking about it) and I said a quick prayer that God would help me to delight in him.

After that, I still felt a tugging by the Holy Spirit to spend more time in the Word.  I have been rationalizing lately.  I read someone's thoughts about the Lord nearly everyday and the verses to go with it.  I think about God's will ALL THE TIME, and I am always offering a prayer up about something.  That is time with God!  Still, I felt the Holy Spirit tugging so I headed for my "waiting and hoping" chair and I opened my Bible.  I had no idea where to even start so I prayed for guidance and came across a couple passages that although interesting, did not seem fitting for anything right now.

"Lord!  I am just sad!  I know I need to praise you anyway.  I know you are great.  Help me here."  Then quietly in my spirit I hear Read Psalms.  Psalms, that's perfect.  David was always praising and crying out.  I reach into my Bible to turn a bunch of pages at once and head in general towards Psalms.  As I flip the first hunk of pages the first thing I see jumping off the page is this, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I did my laugh cry thing I do when God is so clear and so active with me.  I do love the Lord.  The verse right before it says, "Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture."  God has given me a safe place to not only dwell in, but also to enjoy.  I need to focus more on growing in him and less on growing my family.  I know he put that dream there and he will fulfill it in His time.  I don't want to take His dream for me and turn it into impatience, anger, and despair.

A quick story:
On a trip to Disney World within an hour of arrival, my son, who was only 4 at the time, was done with the ride.    He wanted OUT of the car.  I chuckled when he said, "Let's just go back home!"  I knew we were so close.  As his impatience got worse I began to regret ever offering him the treat of Disney World.   In his anger he was turning my opportunity to bless him into his opportunity to sin against me!  Now, he was 4, and as a 4 year old some of this was expected, but I realized something. I do the same thing, but I do it to God!  So on this ride to the place the Lord is taking me I want to Delight in Him, not demand he speed up or let me out of the car!

Empty.. and Full

My husband took today off to sort of say "Goodbye" to our little guys.  Even with my family here things felt really empty.
I am back in my favorite spot that I have had no time for in the past 2 weeks.  It's a rocker in the corner of my living room where I can see the pond.  I am beginning to see this as my waiting and hoping spot.  My heart is wondering what is next?  What will the Lord ask?  Will he let me have children to adopt now or will he want me to love and let go of others?
I really did very well today.  I accept that the boys staying here was not meant to be.  I know that is because my friends were praying for me.  Still after hugs and goodbyes that last look before the caseworker shut her door got me.  Frank looked just the tiniest bit scared and sad.  He is only 6 and my favorite thing to do with him was get him giggling.  For Frank, Middle, and Little, I put on my biggest smile and waved like I was excited for them.  I turned around quickly and headed for the house as my tears fell.  I love those boys.  I know it was only 2 weeks, but I love them.

After the boys left we spent some family time playing boys vs girls on Mario Cart.  The boys did win the tournament, but Mommy and Olivia were right on their tails and we did take a few races!  Tonight we will go make gluttons of ourselves over Mexican food (a family favorite).  Daddy is out in the workshop with the kids and they are doing quality bonding things with tractors and engines.  Tomorrow, I can do school again with only minor interruptions and life will go on, and even though life kind of feels empty I thank God because it really is still very full.

He knows...

Somehow Little knows what's going on.  I can't quite tell you how, but he has been the worst he has been since he came here.  He only slept for a short time at nap time and woke up fussy and he had a terrible time going to bed tonight.  Poor baby.  I know he understands on some level.

On a good note Middle and Frank were afraid they might forget how to pray.  They told me Nanna and Daddy don't pray.  So tonight they learned a simple prayer, "Lord, help me to know you, keep me safe, and help me to do what's right.  Amen."  They wanted to practice it several times.  We did, and I told them they could just talk to God about anything, but they still seem nervous about that.  They like the prayer and I like the seed they are taking with them.  Thank you Lord for another good gift.

Breaking...

My heart is breaking right now.  Our boys were court ordered to go and live with family. They leave tomorrow. I think the boys will be happy initially, but from what I understand they are being split up.  Frank and Middle are headed to one home and Little is being sent somewhere else.
I can't help but think of how emotional LIttle was when the boys first started school.  He walked around crying for them and was distressed all day.  He has figured out they come home and he does better now.  How will he do when he learns they aren't coming?
How will my heart do when I don't get to see their shy happy smiles when I tuck them in and kiss them?  In this short amount of time they have already learned about prayer.  Middle says, "Don't forget to pray for me too!"  Little likes to fold his hands at the dinner table and I saw him do it at church on Sunday too.  He knew we were all praying and wanted to join in.
  How will my chest feel without Little's head resting on it for rocking time.  It's his favorite phrase.  "I wanna wock pwease."
I knew this wouldn't be easy and it is not.  I trust in the Lord.  I trust in his will, but I do not want to foster.  I want to be a forever momma.  I don't know if that makes me bad.  Does that make me bad?  It hurts to let go but I will.  They are not my kids.  They are HIS and I do trust my Jesus.

Life as we knew it...

Yes, it is true.  Life as we knew it is over!  5 children for breakfast, then snack time, then lunch, then snack time, then dinner, and if they can talk me into it yet another snack time.  The kitchen is only cleaned so I can mess it up again, and although things stay somewhat picked up it does seem to be pulling apart around the edges a bit.  Laundry is a whole new ball game and with 4 boys in the house something is always banging bumping, breaking, or bleeding.  Whew!  5 kids... what was I thinking???

No, in all reality I relish this time.   I told my husband the other night, "I'm doing this!  I'm actually doing this!"  For me, some part of this is deeply satisfying.   I found out from the caseworker that the boys aren't going anywhere for a good long while.  I do not know if that is weeks, months, or forever.  In any case, I find that I am open to loving them.  I can just see their need for it and although I want to protect myself I can't hold back the snuggles.  It is just too much a part of my Mommy style.

The last 2 nights have been hard.  This has all been such a big adjustment.  Yesterday, I tried to attend a meeting for a group I am involved with for homeschooling.  I did enjoy the meeting, but I felt behind the rest of the day and I was happy to put the tribe to bed.  I think I am realizing that I can't have it all.  I am going to have to choose my priorities.  I don't like mothering half-way and the 3 extra babies we have right now need me at my best so I can give them what they need.

I need to stop blogging.  I seriously have laundry to do...

Here is a pic from a hot cocoa snack time.  Note how Little must sit in the tall chairs with the "big" kids.

Maybe... Maybe Not.

The boys have been allowed to speak to their Mom by phone on a daily basis.  I have been very kind because I cannot and will not judge.  I am blessed by God to have the life I have. I think, because of my kindness she lets me know how things are going and her hopes etc.  A couple of days ago she said, "You probably won't have them very long.  My family is going to try and get them."  I let her know I understood and that was that.

Today she called to talk to me and let me know that court went well and the boys will be leaving in a week.  I do not know what to think as I would rather get updates from the caseworker.  Can I even trust what she is saying?  I don't know anything about her and so I am trying to just "hear" her without jumping to conclusions.

In truth my heart is a little sad because she may be right.  If they can be successfully placed with family that is what the courts aim for and I do understand that.  I am just sad because in one short week the boys have done so well.  Cyrus and Olivia have done so well.  Little has done a 180 in many of his bad habits and the older boys are doing so great with our lifestyle.

I feel a bit of frustration moving in.  I feel like detaching a little.  I did not want to be a foster parent, and now I really feel like I am one.  A foster parent is not a parent.  In the role of foster parent I feel like a glorified babysitter, and as much as we may love, and be kind, and train, and correct like parents, we do not get the payoff that comes from knowing that we will see the fruit of our investments some day. My heart is to blend my family with more children, not babysit someone else's.

:(  Sorry for the goofy sad face, but it says it all.