Adoption progress

The termination case continues to move slowly through the appellate court process, but things are happening. We were fingerprinted for the adoption and background checked AGAIN.  We filed our petition to adopt, gave the boys new names for official paperwork and signed lots of papers.  We also got to review the case files.

It was astonishing how much paperwork there is in what they refer to as a small case.  The case file was over 2 feet high.  In some ways it was like reliving the horrible stuff, and in some ways it was an incredible gift.

My favorite part was getting to see their newborn information and the hospitals' copies of the boys tiny foot prints.  We were given a notepad to take notes, but we used our phones and snapped pictures of things like that.  We requested copies of the medical info, but we don't know if we will get that for certain.

We pulled out the filing for termination and snapped pictures of the whole thing.  I don't know how curious our babes will be someday, but when the time is right then I believe they have a right to know their story.  All of it. 

So now I just wait for the Appellate process to complete and dream of the day when they are finally ours and the insecurity of all of this is behind us.

All The Time

I have been in the Word and on my knees and pulling together with friends to pray.  I am going to get the victory here.  I don't mean that I am going to win the battle of my will versus theirs.  I mean I am going to win my own personal battle against my own stubborn selfishness.  I am not going to do this roller coaster for the next decade.

God is so faithful to meet me where I am, but I am tired of cresting and falling. 

Here is what I know.  God works all things for the good.  I know that I was called to this life.  I know God has promised to never leave or forsake me.  Job did not let go of what he knew of God even in his darkest hours, so I think I can hang on to the promises of God even during the four hundred and seventeenth test of wills for the day.  GOD IS GOOD.  ALL THE TIME.

I hope whoever reads this realizes this blog is not about a perfect Christian Mommy. I am one who needs forgiveness for failures everyday.  It is why I need what Jesus did on the cross.  He took the payment for my sins and failures even though I did not deserve it. I hope you see this blog is about an imperfect Christian Momma who fails and fails and fails, but ALWAYS gets back up again.  My eyes are always on my Saviour.  I can't stay in the muck.  He has called me to higher places. 

Insecurity

WARNING, THIS POST ISN'T PRETTY

Some days I am still so overwhelmed by what we took on 2 years ago.  I cannot believe how much I love them, but I also cannot believe how much I still feel helpless and inadequate to meet their needs...  It hits me at least once everyday.  Everyday.

I look at other families doing this and I think, "What's wrong with me? What's wrong with us?  Shouldn't I be to the joy-filled part of this journey now?"  Don't get me wrong, I am completely aware that life is not all sunshine and roses, and that it never will be, but before all this I did not struggle with this unending sense of not measuring up, of not being enough.

Things ARE easier now, but there are certain days where Chi and/or Obie want the fight.  They just can't BE they must push back, sometimes even if there is no reason to push.

When we face those days I forget about backyard family football, worship around the kitchen table, laughter as the kids say the darndest things, and family dance parties.  The biggest thing I can think is all that doesn't mean anything if I screw them up by not knowing what to do in their worst moments.

I am scared that their story of their life will not be a story of redemption and salvation it will be the story of how I failed them.  These thoughts haunt me.  They bring fear to interactions where I should be confident,  they make me tired before I even start my day.

I know I am being put through the fire to be refined, but I am starting to lose hope that I can ever feel like a capable Mom again.  It doesn't really matter how I feel.  I will get up and feed my kids, and hug my kids, and take care of them.  I just wish I did not dread my potential for failure for the day.

I can only say, "Thank you God." Because we do have healing happening, we do have joy, and we do have love.  I  know this is through God alone and not through my works.  Thank God for his faithfulness to these babes.