Endless

Baby's not feeling well.

The little boys are demanding today.

The house needs cleaned.

My stomach hurts.

Liv and Cy still need to get school today.

I am the hamster in the wheel.

Happy Holidays?

The happy pill has been taken and since analyzing the situation yesterday, I have been doing a better job of remembering that growing kids up is a marathon, not a sprint.  I am taking it one joy or trial at a time.  At least today I am remembering these things. 
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The holiday traveling did go pretty well.  Tot had some issues but he seriously was not feeling well. I watched as all the family handed gifts to all of my children and at one point I teared up.  Seeing them loved on by those who did not sign up for this journey blesses me immensely.

Tyke did begin to have a lot of issues regarding food.  Everywhere we went there was a ton of food just laying out.  Since the boys' arrival I have taken to filling plates at the counter with maybe just slightly more than what they need, so I know they have plenty.  They just do not do well with too much food available.  Eating and snacking buffet style was a trigger for Tyke.  He kept asking for food.  We tried to comply as often as was safe, because it was a special occasion, but Tyke got worse and worse.   He would eat whatever item he was given as quickly as possible and say he needed more.  He only wanted to stay in the kitchens and every other part of the celebrations was unimportant to him.  His tummy gets rock hard when he is full.  I noticed that happening more than once as loving family members gave him what he wanted.  At one point he puked.   I finally had to get really strict about food.  No one was allowed to give him anything except Ryan or myself and begging for food once he was told no landed him in timeout. 

When we decided to adopt we never imagined these types of things.  You imagine bringing a child home and giving them everything they are so desperately missing in their lives.  You don't imagine having to restrict food.  You don't imagine them tackling one another to steal gifts.  Having to be the Christmas Ogre is no fun for anyone, but its a training thing. 

I have decided that we are going to practice opening presents appropriately.  I am going to get things from their room and wrap them up.  I am going to teach them to be excited and thankful.  My girlfriend did that this year with the 3 she has adopted.  She said it felt strange telling them to say thank you in a happy voice, but she had to remember that they hadn't ever had the chance to learn by seeing.
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Bio-Mom got the boys gifts.  She bought everything 2 - 3 sizes too large and the Baby could not even wear his outfit at all.  They put Baby's clothes on Tot whom it was too big for as well.  She asked for their sizes through the visit supervisor and I sent them.  I am not sure what the majorly oversized thing was about.  I can see her maybe purchasing one size up if she likes the baggy look or if she just wants them to be able to wear the items for a long time, but 3 sizes too big?

We have only had one visit this week so far.  She wanted to schedule another today, but the weather is not permitting visitation.  We are aiming for Saturday instead.  I am going to try and push that the 2 visits a week become very, very, spread out.  I want the boys to have a chance to recover while all this insanity continues. 

Processing the Holiday Grumpies

I have been dealing with a minor stomach bug for the past few days.  It hasn't been terrible, but enough to make me tired and enough to make me not want to take my Sam E or "happy pills" as I call them.  You take them on an empty stomach and I didn't want to do anything that might make my stomach unhappy.  I also missed a several days over the past 2 weeks due to traveling and varied schedules with Ryan on vacation.  So I would say in the past 2 weeks I forgot to take my vitamin more often than not.

Yesterday, I began to feel the old me.  I knew I should feel happy and find the good in such a wonderful day, but it was a struggle. My stomach bug ruined our Christmas plans so that did not help.   Everything felt hard... too hard, and I had trouble finding the joy.  I buried it as best I could for my family and put on the best attitude I could manage, but between you and I... I was faking it.

Today, I am dealing with the fatigue again (I know that a portion of this is coming from the stomach bug) and I am just plain grumpy.  Remember how I wrote that I can be completely fine and competent, but within a short time everyone's needs pile up and overwhelm me?  Yeah, it has been like that.

A couple of major triggers for me when I am in this place are, constant whining instead of asking appropriately for what you need, and loud crying as a result of anger.  So when you have and 8, 6, 3, 2, and 1 year old you get these things... A LOT.  Let me go ahead and highlight and put in bold the 2 year old and 1 year old.

Today I had a couple of  parenting moments where I realized I had sunk to toddler behavior myself.  I know this me, and I don't want her back.  I have got to stay on the vitamins.  I also need to stay healthy somehow.  Maybe there is some vitamin I can add to keep myself from getting sick?  The little ones have their hands all over everything and in their mouths no matter how often we try and stop that behavior.  I have been catching nearly everything they get.  

I like blogging because it helps me think through things.  After reading what I wrote I realized something else.  My littlest boys are having behavior issues.  Are they responding to the craziness of Christmas?  I forget that all the Christmas fun is sometimes hard on kids.  Especially children who have been fighting their own illness and children who are learning to fit in an entirely brand new family.  It was hard on me just because of fighting illness and meeting all the expectations of Christmas.  

I need to get us back into pre-holiday form, but I have to remember that God wants me to be like water.  Not dynamite.  I can't blast away the biggest issues.  I have to work them away slowly and purposefully... like water.

     

Visitation To Go To Court

This house is still full of sick kiddos.  I am still getting to clean up puke. I can finally say for sure that Tyke has come out of it.  Baby seems to be nearly out of it.  Tot, Cy are the worst off.  I can't figure out if Liv is only getting a light version of the illness or if she is just getting started.  I hope she just got lucky.

Yesterday the caseworker called me and announced that she was going to come to my house in 2 hours. The house was a wreck so I wasn't thrilled with the short notice.  I rushed around fighting my own sick feelings and got the house straightened up.  In true caseworker fashion, she was an hour late.

When she arrived she got a glimpse of the boys and then announced laughingly that she'd seen them and she could go now.   Then she said, "So there's a visitation court date soon?"  It was news to me and I told her so.  I did not know things had successfully made it to that step.  Caseworker said she wasn't sure of the exact date, but it seemed like it was in a couple weeks.

We talked about visitation for a little bit.  She still maintained that she wanted a good reason why visits suddenly weren't working.  I reminded her that the boys have been protesting visits for a very long time.  It wasn't until November 14th that the aggression and screaming started, but the boys have been asking not to leave for a long time.  She said, "I guess the reason doesn't really matter.  If they are done, they are done.  It doesn't matter anyway since we are terminating."  She treated actual termination as if it were a forgone conclusion.  We will see.  I have trust issues with her as you will see.

She claimed her supervisor was angry with her for not asking for termination at the hearing.  She says she stumbled at the hearing and wasn't sure what to say.  She claims her supervisor is angry this has to go to court when she could have just stopped visits at court the last time.  She told me it was the lawyer who wanted visits to continue and that the supervisor was upset because Caseworker needs to understand who she takes her orders from.

Ok, here's the crazy part.  I called the advocate after Caseworker left and he confirmed that there is a court date in a couple weeks.  He says he also talked to Caseworker and her story to him was the opposite of the one she gave me.  She said, the lawyer wanted her to take visits and her supervisor DID NOT want her to take away visits and she had to follow orders.

During our conversation the advocate and I decided the Caseworker is definitely lying to us both.  When you tell the truth your story doesn't change.  There is only one truth.  We believe that Caseworker is the one who wanted to keep visits going for some unknown reason, but she just did not want to explain herself to us.  All along she has claimed that Tyke does not know what he is talking about and he probably just made up most of the allegations regarding bio-mom.  In spite of her ambivalence toward the boys she did behave as if visits will get stopped at court.  Since I have no idea if she is telling the truth or manipulating some angle we will just have to see how it all goes.

It is possible the supervisor could just go ahead and stop the visits now. No one has indicated she will, but I am aware that she can.  I hope she does.  I just learned court is January 16, so we are looking at another 7 - 8 visitations for these boys.  I am asking God to cut those down somehow, but I am so very grateful that I almost feel like I shouldn't push the issue too much.  I only pray that if it has to wait that long for a court day then visits are definitely going to be stopped.  I so feel like their Mommy on this issue.  One terrified visit is too much, 7 - 8 is more than I want to think about.

My Gross Kids

Today's visit was cancelled due to Tot emptying his stomach at the kitchen table last night.   Ewww, gross, I know.  TMI.

 If you remember, Tyke got sick at the end of last week.  The same sickness then went to me, Cyrus, Baby, and now Tot.  We have been keeping the visitation up and just keeping the affected child home.  Friday Tyke stayed home.  For Monday's visit Baby stayed home.  Poor Baby is still so exhausted.  I asked to cancel today because with Baby puking and now Tot too it was just silly.  Tyke is still over-tired and eating very little, although he is much better than he was.

Even with the kids sick we are all pretty happy around here.  Daddy is home on vacation, so everyone likes the variation in the routine.  We are preparing for the upcoming holidays and having a good time goofing around. 

I am just waiting to see what God will do about visits.  I hope he is going to put a stop to them, but I really just don't know.  Maybe even visits, which look like a terrible, terrible, thing are all a part of  His will.  In all reality I cannot do any more to try and stop the trauma they are suffering.  I just decided that I am going to enjoy all the hours that I don't have to send the boys to visits.  There are a lot more of those anyway. 

Sam E still working, but Rough Day

All 5 kids are off kilter today.  Is this because I was sick yesterday(I ended up coming down with something similar to Tyke's stomach issues)?  Is this their bid for attention?  I woke up in a good mood today.  I felt a lot better.  I started right on my daily routines and made the kids pancakes as a special treat. As you can see the supplements have continued to work well for me.

I can never decide this issue in child rearing.  If children are just having bad days and nothing you say or do snaps them out of it should you send them to their rooms for a good long while?  Is it cruel to just go ahead at a certain point, and acknowledge that since no one wants to obey or treat one another with kindness and respect it is better just to stay in your rooms and play?

I worry about sending my kids away.  I don't want to give them the wrong message.  I am having one of those days where it's only one of me and 5 of them and there are a ton of behavior issues going on. 

Cy and Liv are "forgetting" our obey the first time rule today.  They are playing too rough for the boys, and trying to get schoolwork finished has been like pulling teeth. They are hyper-distracted... constantly!

Tot is loud.  He is always loud, but today he continues to come to me screaming about "boo boos."  A tiny touch is enough to set him off.  Every offense real and imagined is worth screaming about today.  Someone screaming unexpectedly near my face continues to be an adrenaline trigger for me.

Tyke has been sick, but he is a lot better.  While sick he got attention for his diarrhea and nausea. We felt sorry for him and kept him calm and happy.  My reward today is that he is acting as if he has never been potty trained.  No.  It is no longer diarrhea. 

Baby is okay, but still a handful on his best day.  I should be getting a break during naptime, but with the oldest unable to focus on school we are STILL finishing our school day.

My choices are... Let everyone stay together and keep putting up with it and trying to be above the chaos,  Send everyone to their rooms and take a mental health break, or do a change of scenery, like loading them all in the car after nap time and going for a drive. 

Well, at least I can think of options.  That is a nice result of my enhanced mood lately.

LIfe Here

Life here is continuing forward.  Cy and Liv started school.  I was only a little emotional.  There is too much to do to spend a lot of time thinking about my babies being gone all day. Last Wednesday they were at school and the boys were at a visit and it was surreal how quiet things were.  I folded laundry and it felt like the quiet was pressing on my ears.

I still think of myself as a homeschool parent so this is a bit different.  I have already taken the boys to the school room a couple of times to work on shapes and colors and counting.  It was actually great to be able to give the little ones that time.  They grin the ENTIRE time I am working with them.  They love the attention and my oldest aren't getting jealous and horning in.

Speaking of jealousy... Baby is jealous now.  He gets upset when he sees me holding Tyke or Tot and will crawl over and pull up, lay his head on my knee and cry.  He is getting to be a handful too, and I am sad to see the easy stage passing by.  He is sick and boogery today so he does have my sympathy.  Poor, boogery, chubby, jealous, perfect boy.

I am getting a little tired of the two year old screaming phase with Tot.  I am getting a little tired of the pick my up right now or I will sob and scream stage with Baby.  I am getting a little tired of the bounce myself into everything and everyone every time I get excited stage with Tyke.  I am sorry, I am whining, but I am getting a little tired.

I am actually trying to blog this post while Tot continually sticks his face in front of mine so I can't see the computer, Tyke is holding a toy blow dryer in my ear, and Baby is trying to steal the computer.  It's kind of hard to blog that way.  Oh wait... A fight for my right side is developing  one sec please....

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Ok, fight stopped.  The inability to have time to blog even this little bit, without a fight for my attention, easily explains my failure to blog recently.

As you can see life here is pretty normal, and normal is hard.  They are lucky they are cute.  That's all I have to say.

Mad and Sad

I am struggling to get started here because I am kind of covered in a hard shell right now, but I can tell I have a lot of mad and sad inside of there.  If I don't get it out, its going to just separate me from those I need to love on.

I'm mad.  I'm mad because after all that these 3 boys have been through we cannot assume they are safe.  They could go back to a family member in just a few days.  This Grandma was in the picture when they were getting hurt.  Where was she then?  I am mad about that.

I am mad about how hard it is to do this parenting job.  It is exhausting and even when we have a pretty good day, one angry tantrum filled dinner time can make me feel like we are serving a sentence rather than living out a dream.

I am mad because I have been sick for nearly the entire winter.  As soon as I recovered from one illness I have immediately gotten hit with another.  This has been going on since the beginning of November.  I have no energy.  It is hard to climb the stairs.  My arm gets tired burping the baby!  On top of those things I have to get laundry done, dinner on the table, playtime with the kids, homeschool work, etc.   I have 5 kids that need me, and I want to be healthy for them so I can smile and be playful.  That used to be me!

The other day I woke up and I actually felt good for the first four hours of the day.  I was playful, and I got breakfast, and diffused issues with humor.  Cy said, "Wow, Mom why are you so different today?"

And... Now I'm just crying because that is the part that makes me sad.  That is me being different?!   My best friend told me on the phone today that she is worried because I seem to be changing.  I am changing and I don't like it.  Every time I have spent time with kids since I was very young it was characterized by playful humor, creative learning, and creative correction.  Now, I just just sound strained, and bossy, and tired.

This me, whoever she is, sucks the joy out of things.  This me, sees going for a walk outside as more exhausting work (I think about chasing them if/when they run and how tired it will make me) instead of seeing it as an opportunity to spend time together.  This me, cringes when I hear the first sounds that bedtime or naptime is over because I just want to rest so badly.  I used to miss my kids faces when they were asleep ( Seriously, I am responsible for waking them up early a couple times because I was anticipating them too much).  This me, does a mental filter every time someone asks how I am doing because I don't want to make them sorry they asked.

This me, is always ashen colored, barely working up a smile when my hard-working man walks in, trying so hard not to complain, although I know he can see it in every weary move I make.  He has to be thinking, "We cannot do this (this being parent more children)."

I know the old me is still in there.  Yesterday, my 8 year old puked all over me, and (here is the gross out part) he managed to get some on my face too.  I cleaned up my son, I cleaned up myself, I cleaned the sheets, the comforter, the floor, the toilet, the bathtub, the towels.  I moved my freaking out and gagging daughter into another bedroom and tucked my big baby back in, all the while feeling like laughing because it was just sooo gross to have someone actually puke on my face!  I know, I have a very sick sense of humor, but for some reason it was funny!

So could you all please pray for me?  Please pray for my health.  I am bone-tired, and so sick of being sick.  I want my smiley energetic self back please!

I know being Mom to 5 children is no piece of cake on a healthy day, but I would sure like to try it once.