May of 2003. Diagnosis Infertility. The idea of adoption is born.
Feb 2004 my first son is born.
June 2005 I know we are supposed to have another child. I tell Ryan to choose adoption or more infertility treatments. I am truly okay with either choice.
May 2006. My baby girl is born. One for each hand. I am content.
February 2007 adoption and foster care is celebrated at our church. We decide to become foster parents.
June 2008. We move out of state. Fostering is set aside.
January of 2010 I woke up from the first of 3 vivid dreams about having more babies. These dreams plant a new seed of a dream.
April 2010. We start the process for international adoption. This plan falls through.
September 2011 we become licensed foster parents.
January 2012 our three little boys join our family as foster children.
May 2014. Obadiah, Malachi, and Zebedee become our forever babies.
I am amazed as I look back at the journey that has brought us to this point. There were times the dream seemed so far away and impossible but here we are.
Matthew 19:26 (New International Version)
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Foster Adoption and My Extended Family
If you have read my blog for any length of time, then you are probably familiar with how I have adjusted to our specific foster to adopt experience. There was my Anticipation phase as we waited to be foster parents. There was Disillusionment as I realized what a difficult transition it was going to be for all of us. There was the Adapting phase as we learned how to be together combined with the start the Insecurity phase as I wondered if we would be separated from one another. Somewhere in the Insecurity period also came Unconsious Love, in spurts at first and then steady and sure as time progressed. As we head to our adoption date we seem to be entering a what appears to be the final stage of Belonging. They feel they belong with me and that they belong to me, I feel the same way. We are a family and we believe that will not be undone. Like a beautiful sunset we are leaving the fostering period behind and heading toward a beautiful new day as a family.
However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit. It affects the entire family. Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.
I will begin with my Mom. As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old. During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary. Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy. She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this." Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across. I just wanted her to be excited for us.
Ryan's parents were concerned. They would not talk about it a lot. They believed 2 kids was plenty. They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes. It seemed to fall on deaf ears. One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them." They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race. We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them. They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves. I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing. Ryan and I knew we were going forward. The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity. Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were? Yes. We were willing.
My brothers and sisters were excited for me. They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me. If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.
Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again. That is his personality. I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea. My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.
Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee. Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone. His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.
During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well. My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening. Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on. She prayed with me for them by phone. She prayed over them when she came to see them. She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.
My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me. One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore. I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself. Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew. Everyone was worried about 5 year old Livvy. What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely? Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little." My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me. My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.
For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time. We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions. We did not know if we could or even should keep going. We struggled with wanting to quit every single day. We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members. When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house.
During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot. She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable. She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried. My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize. During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood. She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available. I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.
During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process. A lot of their advice I ignored. The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity, but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys. I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself. They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start. I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids. I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well. My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed. That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.
As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family. The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them. I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys. I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short.
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do. The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake. His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well. An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan. He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us. We would not have the boys hurt by rejection. We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically. When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt. I reminded Ryan to be patient with them. It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations. They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls. When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys. They were trying.
With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time. It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly. My Mom walked through this with me. She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted. The fear of loss, she experienced as well. We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did. We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle. Who would I be if they stayed? Who would I be if I lost them? She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears. She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.
The insecurity affected my siblings differently. My sisters had my heart. Protect the boys, protect the boys. protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well. We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.
My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles. They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!" They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights. At that point there was something to gain and something to lose. They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.
Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase. I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back. They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet. It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet. The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.
Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it. Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys. 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."
What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different. It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life. It is something you can feel, not just something you do. 1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced. Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.
The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine. It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first. It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic. The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect. I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower. Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys. It made sense to me. We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members. How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?
At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.
The final stage I call the Belonging Stage. This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...
We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture. My boys are not spinning and crazy. They are chatting up the Grandparents.
Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him. They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.
My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids. He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.
My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.
Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him. He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.
My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family. They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken. My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.
My brother pulls me aside. Tears in his eyes. "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?" Yeah. I know. "I feel like their ours now, You know?" Yeah. I know.
However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit. It affects the entire family. Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.
I will begin with my Mom. As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old. During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary. Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy. She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this." Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across. I just wanted her to be excited for us.
Ryan's parents were concerned. They would not talk about it a lot. They believed 2 kids was plenty. They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes. It seemed to fall on deaf ears. One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them." They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race. We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them. They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves. I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing. Ryan and I knew we were going forward. The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity. Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were? Yes. We were willing.
My brothers and sisters were excited for me. They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me. If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.
Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again. That is his personality. I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea. My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.
Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee. Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone. His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.
During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well. My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening. Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on. She prayed with me for them by phone. She prayed over them when she came to see them. She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.
My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me. One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore. I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself. Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew. Everyone was worried about 5 year old Livvy. What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely? Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little." My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me. My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.
For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time. We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions. We did not know if we could or even should keep going. We struggled with wanting to quit every single day. We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members. When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house.
During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot. She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable. She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried. My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize. During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood. She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available. I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.
During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process. A lot of their advice I ignored. The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity, but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys. I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself. They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start. I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids. I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well. My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed. That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.
As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family. The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them. I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys. I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short.
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do. The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake. His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well. An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan. He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us. We would not have the boys hurt by rejection. We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically. When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt. I reminded Ryan to be patient with them. It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations. They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls. When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys. They were trying.
With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time. It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly. My Mom walked through this with me. She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted. The fear of loss, she experienced as well. We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did. We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle. Who would I be if they stayed? Who would I be if I lost them? She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears. She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.
The insecurity affected my siblings differently. My sisters had my heart. Protect the boys, protect the boys. protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well. We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.
My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles. They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!" They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights. At that point there was something to gain and something to lose. They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.
Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase. I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back. They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet. It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet. The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.
Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it. Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys. 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."
What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different. It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life. It is something you can feel, not just something you do. 1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced. Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.
The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine. It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first. It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic. The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect. I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower. Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys. It made sense to me. We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members. How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?
At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.
The final stage I call the Belonging Stage. This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...
We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture. My boys are not spinning and crazy. They are chatting up the Grandparents.
Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him. They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.
My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids. He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.
My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.
Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him. He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.
My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family. They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken. My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.
My brother pulls me aside. Tears in his eyes. "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?" Yeah. I know. "I feel like their ours now, You know?" Yeah. I know.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Update
We are settled in for the most part. My 3 little boys have gotten past the worst of their transition issues. Then the older 2 then started to grieve a bit for their friends.
We have all gone through a round of sickness and multiple visits from workers getting us all legal here as far as foster care goes.
During this time we also finalized the adoption paperwork. Our big day is May 29th!
Obie broke his thumb last night when he tried to pick up a big tractor tire and dropped it on his hand. We got to do lots of documenting because of foster care and additional paperwork because we just moved. Thank God nothing worse happened, but it just underscores how great it will be to reduce the extra steps we have to do as foster parents.
We have all gone through a round of sickness and multiple visits from workers getting us all legal here as far as foster care goes.
During this time we also finalized the adoption paperwork. Our big day is May 29th!
Obie broke his thumb last night when he tried to pick up a big tractor tire and dropped it on his hand. We got to do lots of documenting because of foster care and additional paperwork because we just moved. Thank God nothing worse happened, but it just underscores how great it will be to reduce the extra steps we have to do as foster parents.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Problem Solver
Zee is being two. I mean he is fantastic, but oh so 2! I remind myself it isn't personal. He just woke up one day and realized he has power, he has a voice, he has an opinion, and Mommy is good for problem - solving. So he works on having me problem solve ALL DAY LONG. Precious little muffin that he is...
It seems interesting that as I focus on uncurling my clenched hands from the idea of having control another strong voice has joined the chorus of voices saying, "Uh, MOMMY! I need you to solve everything!"
Chi is still flipping out, but I think a little less. He continues to improve in his sensory struggles to unexpected stimuli and that helps everyone. He actually is a very funny and sweet boy when he isn't dealing with sensory avoidance.
I am beginning to get a better perspective. They aren't going to magically become 6 year olds overnight and I don't really want them to do that anyway.
Yesterday we all survived 8 hours in a car together. It was just me and 5 opinionated kids. There were some bad moments, and some hilarious moments, and quite a few times I had a realization that any noise repeated 20 plus times in a row makes my mini van start to feel like more like a paddy wagon, but it was decent enough. I got us ice cream as we neared home. We deserved it. I survived their childish antics and they survived my parenting from the driver's seat.
In other news it looks like we will moving in mid-March. The house is the big one I wanted and I am looking forward to settling in and having room.
I check the online appeals court docket twice a day to see if we can schedule our adoption date. From what I have seen the decision could come any day now.
Chi and Obie got their weighted vests today to hopefully help with their sensory struggles in crowded noisy environments. We have a sports banquet and father/son basketball game with our home school group tonight, so we will see how it goes.
It seems interesting that as I focus on uncurling my clenched hands from the idea of having control another strong voice has joined the chorus of voices saying, "Uh, MOMMY! I need you to solve everything!"
Chi is still flipping out, but I think a little less. He continues to improve in his sensory struggles to unexpected stimuli and that helps everyone. He actually is a very funny and sweet boy when he isn't dealing with sensory avoidance.
I am beginning to get a better perspective. They aren't going to magically become 6 year olds overnight and I don't really want them to do that anyway.
Yesterday we all survived 8 hours in a car together. It was just me and 5 opinionated kids. There were some bad moments, and some hilarious moments, and quite a few times I had a realization that any noise repeated 20 plus times in a row makes my mini van start to feel like more like a paddy wagon, but it was decent enough. I got us ice cream as we neared home. We deserved it. I survived their childish antics and they survived my parenting from the driver's seat.
In other news it looks like we will moving in mid-March. The house is the big one I wanted and I am looking forward to settling in and having room.
I check the online appeals court docket twice a day to see if we can schedule our adoption date. From what I have seen the decision could come any day now.
Chi and Obie got their weighted vests today to hopefully help with their sensory struggles in crowded noisy environments. We have a sports banquet and father/son basketball game with our home school group tonight, so we will see how it goes.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
My crazy life
I still don’t know if we got the house. The bank took one more day to allow everyone one more chance for their best final offer. I am frustrated with this whole process. I am so grateful that we found buyers for our home so quickly, but I don't like not feeling like we have some options.
We have had some great weather and the kids have been able to play outside without freezing. That has been a blessing. No more snow In the house! Now its mud :/ Actually I am not too unhappy with the mud. At least the fighting is lessening.
Speaking of messes, Zee and Chi decorated oue basement family room. Liv painted with the babysitter while we were house shopping. I was unaware she left her jars of paint out. On the day of our home inspection my 2 youngest came upstairs. They were covered in paint. They left a trail to me on all of the steps and railings. They painted the carpeting. The little darlings made a poor choice. I scrubbed the entire time leading up to the inspection. Its never boring!
We have had some great weather and the kids have been able to play outside without freezing. That has been a blessing. No more snow In the house! Now its mud :/ Actually I am not too unhappy with the mud. At least the fighting is lessening.
Speaking of messes, Zee and Chi decorated oue basement family room. Liv painted with the babysitter while we were house shopping. I was unaware she left her jars of paint out. On the day of our home inspection my 2 youngest came upstairs. They were covered in paint. They left a trail to me on all of the steps and railings. They painted the carpeting. The little darlings made a poor choice. I scrubbed the entire time leading up to the inspection. Its never boring!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Nervous
There ended up being multiple bidders on the house. We found out tomorrow if our bid won. I am getting nothing done. I can't focus on anything. I am just praying we get this house. I have no alternatives in mind.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
House Shopping
We ended up house shopping again this weekend. We had made an offer on a short sale, but the bank was in no hurry to respond. We decided we had to take this weekend to house hunt again. At the end of the day Saturday we found a 6 bedroom, 10 acre beauty with buildings all set to go for our animals. The property was bank-owned and was over 100K less than the closest alternative.
When we got inside the 3 youngest started running and being noisy in general and the large house just seemed to welcome their exuberance. We couldn't really blame them, they were cooped up all day.
Yes, we brought the babies along. The trauma behaviors during our last overnight trip leave me fairly certain that the friend who stayed with them won't be willing to come back. She is very nice but was overwhelmed by their constant push back. And... Obie and Chi can sense that in people. It wasn't fun for us getting them back in shape last week.
Anyway, back to my house hunting. We decided after the first house they could not go inside these peoples' beautifully decorated homes. Our boys were literally climbing the walls because the stone masonry gave just enough hand grip to get them going. My anxiety was off the charts in that house.
Lucky for us the realtor's husband also came along to help drive her on the bad roads and we had our 4 wheel drive as well. Between the 4 of us we were able to go through the homes and swap kid supervising/entertaining. We rewarded decent behavior with cookies, grapes, and carrots and my food loving boys figured the program out very quickly.
The last house was empty. I told them I wanted them to get out and run and boy did they. They ran up and down the steps and in and out of bedrooms from one side to the other and we still were able to talk and concentrate. That house can handle my boys. They ran outside for a bit and opted for busting through snow drifts rather than taking the nicely shoveled paths. They had some energy to burn.
We offered more than the asking price. I am praying the offer gets accepted tomorrow, but they have till mid-week to respond. This house felt like home. I am praying it will be.
Friday, February 14, 2014
No House
I am trying not to get overwhelmed, but truthfully every 15 minutes or so "overwhelmed" sneaks up on me. Our house here is spoken for, we have a date we have to be gone from this place and we cannot find a place to go that isn't smaller or needing work we no longer have much time to do with so many little ones. We are talking about moving into something smaller. When my husband brought that up yesterday I cried a little.
My kids are so rowdy. 4 boys cannot be contained in their youthful exuberance without stifling them more than I want to. I can't imagine having to protect the furniture, walls, and windows even more than I already do. This winter of being so cold and nasty has made every single square foot of the home we currently have a precious commodity, and yet I have still felt smothered at times.
I have a prayer request. We found one house that would hold all of us easily. We decided to put in an offer and then found out it was a short sale. Everyone says short sales usually take forever. I would love to have this home although currently it feels like even more than what we need. We are getting ready to walk away from the deal and put in an offer on something that isn't nearly as perfect for us.
I know these are the concerns of a spoiled American. Please pray God would change my heart attitude and please pray we would find the house God has picked out for us very quickly.
My kids are so rowdy. 4 boys cannot be contained in their youthful exuberance without stifling them more than I want to. I can't imagine having to protect the furniture, walls, and windows even more than I already do. This winter of being so cold and nasty has made every single square foot of the home we currently have a precious commodity, and yet I have still felt smothered at times.
I have a prayer request. We found one house that would hold all of us easily. We decided to put in an offer and then found out it was a short sale. Everyone says short sales usually take forever. I would love to have this home although currently it feels like even more than what we need. We are getting ready to walk away from the deal and put in an offer on something that isn't nearly as perfect for us.
I know these are the concerns of a spoiled American. Please pray God would change my heart attitude and please pray we would find the house God has picked out for us very quickly.
Monday, February 10, 2014
A New Road
We have been wading through the adoptions process as we wait for the appeals court to finish with the case. Every form we could sign, submit, fill out, or file is done. I am handing the last bit of paperwork we are responsible for to the caseworker when she comes for her visit tomorrow. Everything that needs to be turned in or filed with the appellate court is done. The docket states they are "fully briefed." From here on out we simply wait for the judges to decide the case.
I am rushed for a couple of reasons. The first is I want to be D-O-N-E, done, with DC$ in our lives. This last part has been easy compared to the first part of waiting to know what was going to happen to my kids, but I guess I, or rather we, are still traumatized by the experience of it all.
That gets me to my second reason. We were driving to a therapy appointment for the boys almost a month a month ago now. They were terrible. The screaming and fits, and naughty behavior was off the charts. They screamed when I was out of sight and they screamed and they fought with my helper I brought along. When we got home they were calmer, but still ended up being sent to their rooms. I thought they were just having a bad day. Then later, when all was quiet and Chi played beside me in the living room he said, "Mama, I did not like it when you left me at the visit. I was crying for you, but I couldn't get through the door."
I was amazed. The visit had been a year ago. "Chi did you think we were going to a visit today?" We take a lot of the same roads to get to therapy.
He answered, "Mama, I don't want to cry at the visit anymore."
Blown away. How could this fear still exist? I reminded him we did not have to do visits anymore.
Fast forward about 45 minutes and Obie was sent to his room for out-of-control behavior. When I sat down to talk to him I said in exasperation, "What is with you today?! You have been like this all day!"
He answered, "I don't wanna see S (his biomom) Mom! She is in blanktown and she wants to get me back! She been there for 10 years Mom!"
I assured him we were only going there for therapy. I assured him visits were all done. He answered, "I don't want to go to visits Mom. I wanna be 'dopted like Cy!" No, Cy is not adopted he is my biological child, but Obie on some level understands Cy's status as permanent and his as unstable.
The boys' confusion and fear touched me deeply. I understood a lot of the in car tantrums we had been dealing with on a certain highway. When Ryan got home I told him that maybe we should consider moving someday. Maybe that was the best way for the boys to heal...
Well, it turns out that there just happened to be a job available. It turns out that he just happened to be hired a week later. It turns out we were able to accept an offer on our house just 4 days after that! We got the offer on our house, after they trudged through an ice storm to get to the 2nd viewing and write up the paperwork. Only God sells your house in the middle of a February ice storm people! God works in mysterious ways.
So now we are headed down a new road. And since we already have a closing date for this house it's a rushed road. I don't know what it looks like, we are having some trouble finding a place that will easily hold our crew that has all of our specifications. The goats and chickens are coming along! I know that God obviously wants this for us. I would love for the adoption proceedings to be all ready to go when we leave this place and I would love to be able to find a great house for all of us.
I am rushed for a couple of reasons. The first is I want to be D-O-N-E, done, with DC$ in our lives. This last part has been easy compared to the first part of waiting to know what was going to happen to my kids, but I guess I, or rather we, are still traumatized by the experience of it all.
That gets me to my second reason. We were driving to a therapy appointment for the boys almost a month a month ago now. They were terrible. The screaming and fits, and naughty behavior was off the charts. They screamed when I was out of sight and they screamed and they fought with my helper I brought along. When we got home they were calmer, but still ended up being sent to their rooms. I thought they were just having a bad day. Then later, when all was quiet and Chi played beside me in the living room he said, "Mama, I did not like it when you left me at the visit. I was crying for you, but I couldn't get through the door."
I was amazed. The visit had been a year ago. "Chi did you think we were going to a visit today?" We take a lot of the same roads to get to therapy.
He answered, "Mama, I don't want to cry at the visit anymore."
Blown away. How could this fear still exist? I reminded him we did not have to do visits anymore.
Fast forward about 45 minutes and Obie was sent to his room for out-of-control behavior. When I sat down to talk to him I said in exasperation, "What is with you today?! You have been like this all day!"
He answered, "I don't wanna see S (his biomom) Mom! She is in blanktown and she wants to get me back! She been there for 10 years Mom!"
I assured him we were only going there for therapy. I assured him visits were all done. He answered, "I don't want to go to visits Mom. I wanna be 'dopted like Cy!" No, Cy is not adopted he is my biological child, but Obie on some level understands Cy's status as permanent and his as unstable.
The boys' confusion and fear touched me deeply. I understood a lot of the in car tantrums we had been dealing with on a certain highway. When Ryan got home I told him that maybe we should consider moving someday. Maybe that was the best way for the boys to heal...
Well, it turns out that there just happened to be a job available. It turns out that he just happened to be hired a week later. It turns out we were able to accept an offer on our house just 4 days after that! We got the offer on our house, after they trudged through an ice storm to get to the 2nd viewing and write up the paperwork. Only God sells your house in the middle of a February ice storm people! God works in mysterious ways.
So now we are headed down a new road. And since we already have a closing date for this house it's a rushed road. I don't know what it looks like, we are having some trouble finding a place that will easily hold our crew that has all of our specifications. The goats and chickens are coming along! I know that God obviously wants this for us. I would love for the adoption proceedings to be all ready to go when we leave this place and I would love to be able to find a great house for all of us.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Waiting for Bureaucrats
Waiting for this appeals process to complete so we can finally adopt is a little like waiting for your tax return. I can't see what they are doing. I have no idea what the back log is and I imagine this file sitting on someone's desk waiting to get noticed... My tax return is only important to me and when the IRS decided to delay last year it was completely out of my control although everything was in order. Like my tax return, this appeals process is only important to us. Everyone else can take their sweet time.
After the holidays we are going to go ahead with finishing up our part of the adoption side of things. We are going to do the fingerprinting and paperwork that will be required of us. Hopefully when this all wraps up we will have done all we can to be ready and maybe, hopefully, help things to move that much faster. I want the official forever stamp.
I heard Obie (Tyke) and Cy discussing adoption again yesterday. I am not sure why Obie brings this up to Cy the most. He always asks Cy, "Am I 'dopted yet?" I think in part its because he really wants to share a room with Cy and Cy's room is in the basement. Cy's window is such that you can easily climb in and out if need be, but it is not an "official" egress window, so it is not allowed.
After the holidays we are going to go ahead with finishing up our part of the adoption side of things. We are going to do the fingerprinting and paperwork that will be required of us. Hopefully when this all wraps up we will have done all we can to be ready and maybe, hopefully, help things to move that much faster. I want the official forever stamp.
I heard Obie (Tyke) and Cy discussing adoption again yesterday. I am not sure why Obie brings this up to Cy the most. He always asks Cy, "Am I 'dopted yet?" I think in part its because he really wants to share a room with Cy and Cy's room is in the basement. Cy's window is such that you can easily climb in and out if need be, but it is not an "official" egress window, so it is not allowed.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
A Saner version of Crazy.
I am just going to start posting. I am not sure how much of this will make sense, but if I don't write, well... I won't!
I had been very sad, mad, bad, grumpy, tired, and hopeless. I have struggled off and on for the last year. I was improving, but there was still an obvious issue. I had been overwhelmed. I have been praying a lot about this issue. On a very hard day I learned about Thin Healthy Mama. This way of eating is transforming my mood, and my waistline a bit too :) I am so thankful for those moments when we hit bottom and the God of all creation is right there to scoop us up with actual life changing steps to take.
The kids still have behavior issues, but the sensory processing therapy has helped a lot. Also, it doesn't get to me the way it did. The bad news is that for the last month the boys' medical coverage has been denying coverage, for SPD therapy, but at least I know some of the tools to use.
Chi has really struggled in church groups lately. Something about that room sets him off. I can't tell if the workers want me to stay or not. We did not go to church on Wednesday night. I just did not want to have to pull Chi back from the edge.
We are looking at adopting again. We got the blessing from our licensing worker and from the boys' caseworker. Even if this adoption isn't finalized yet, we are told it will not negatively impact our adoption of the boys.
We knew a girl who needed to be adopted because her first adoption isn't working out. We won't be getting her as her first adoptive family does not feel it would be best for her to be placed so closely to them. That was a little heartbreaking for me. We know this girl, V, and we love her, but it is not to be.
However, since considering V we have become attached to the idea of growing our family again. We are keeping our eyes open for a placement that God would have for us. We don't necessarily want babies. V is 7. We just want to be a home for a child who needs us because we are starting to feel again that there is someone else out there who belongs in our family.
I had been very sad, mad, bad, grumpy, tired, and hopeless. I have struggled off and on for the last year. I was improving, but there was still an obvious issue. I had been overwhelmed. I have been praying a lot about this issue. On a very hard day I learned about Thin Healthy Mama. This way of eating is transforming my mood, and my waistline a bit too :) I am so thankful for those moments when we hit bottom and the God of all creation is right there to scoop us up with actual life changing steps to take.
The kids still have behavior issues, but the sensory processing therapy has helped a lot. Also, it doesn't get to me the way it did. The bad news is that for the last month the boys' medical coverage has been denying coverage, for SPD therapy, but at least I know some of the tools to use.
Chi has really struggled in church groups lately. Something about that room sets him off. I can't tell if the workers want me to stay or not. We did not go to church on Wednesday night. I just did not want to have to pull Chi back from the edge.
We are looking at adopting again. We got the blessing from our licensing worker and from the boys' caseworker. Even if this adoption isn't finalized yet, we are told it will not negatively impact our adoption of the boys.
We knew a girl who needed to be adopted because her first adoption isn't working out. We won't be getting her as her first adoptive family does not feel it would be best for her to be placed so closely to them. That was a little heartbreaking for me. We know this girl, V, and we love her, but it is not to be.
However, since considering V we have become attached to the idea of growing our family again. We are keeping our eyes open for a placement that God would have for us. We don't necessarily want babies. V is 7. We just want to be a home for a child who needs us because we are starting to feel again that there is someone else out there who belongs in our family.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Leaving the Safe Zone
This first part is not the point of this post.
------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit. I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker! She comes when she says she is coming. She makes what seems to be common sense decisions. I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----
The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case. She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance. I can't relax until I know the boys are free. I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.
The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal. We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt. I don't want to wait!
Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$. Seriously! Every. single. time. I think "what is going to go wrong now?" I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us. Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated.
As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts. I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.
As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids. As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior. It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day. There is NO saving the day. I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves. So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all. I tried to protect us all when I could. I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone. Someone else was hurting with them.
Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare. We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life. I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart. Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.
------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit. I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker! She comes when she says she is coming. She makes what seems to be common sense decisions. I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----
The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case. She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance. I can't relax until I know the boys are free. I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.
The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal. We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt. I don't want to wait!
Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$. Seriously! Every. single. time. I think "what is going to go wrong now?" I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us. Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated.
As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts. I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.
As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids. As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior. It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day. There is NO saving the day. I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves. So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all. I tried to protect us all when I could. I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone. Someone else was hurting with them.
Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare. We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life. I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart. Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Waiting For A Breeze
I have felt the pull for quite some time that even with all the work and all the drama the Lord was not done building our family. I believe I have mentioned that here before. I have done nothing toward that "goal." I don't even feel right calling it that. It was just more like something out there waiting to be discovered. For a long time since the idea first nudged me I was pushing it away. There was no way I could do more. Life is far from easy already. There is no way Ryan could do more. The stretching it took for God to lead us here was pretty uncomfortable at times.
Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger. Are you willing? I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able. Of course HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.
A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again. I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me. I thought of my home. I thought "I have room for one more." How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?
I only prayed. I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW. I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching. I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan. One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk. I STILL didn't bring it up. I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation.
Then I saw his eyes get droopy. I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me. I knew exactly what would wake him up. "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?" Yep, that got his attention all right. The shocker was for me though. He was completely on board.
At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake." My jaw kind of dropped. I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago. Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids. It seems as though God has been preparing us both.
So where do we go from here? Well, I am not sure. We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now. We are very focused on completing this first adoption process. I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze. We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now. I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now, we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.
Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger. Are you willing? I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able. Of course HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.
A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again. I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me. I thought of my home. I thought "I have room for one more." How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?
I only prayed. I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW. I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching. I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan. One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk. I STILL didn't bring it up. I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation.
Then I saw his eyes get droopy. I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me. I knew exactly what would wake him up. "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?" Yep, that got his attention all right. The shocker was for me though. He was completely on board.
At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake." My jaw kind of dropped. I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago. Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids. It seems as though God has been preparing us both.
So where do we go from here? Well, I am not sure. We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now. We are very focused on completing this first adoption process. I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze. We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now. I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now, we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Vacation and Termination News
Well, here I am having a fantastic vacation with my family, not that it has all been perfect. We are in Florida and the air conditioning at the vacation house went out! Now if you are used to a warm climate that probably isn't too bad, but we like our evenings cool. Ryan and I are both fighting some kind of throat thing and the baby sitter got a little to fried yesterday.
There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi. They both triggered around the water. They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water. Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.
I am loving this. Getting away and loving on my family. That is the only thing I have to do on vacation. As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks. For me, this is perfect. I love this family God has given me.\
In other news the termination trial is over. Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling. I am told we won't hear until around the first of July. What is with all of this waiting!? The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective. She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no." She says that's a really good sign. Okay, well I can't think about that stuff. It upsets me...
Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!
There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi. They both triggered around the water. They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water. Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.
I am loving this. Getting away and loving on my family. That is the only thing I have to do on vacation. As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks. For me, this is perfect. I love this family God has given me.\
In other news the termination trial is over. Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling. I am told we won't hear until around the first of July. What is with all of this waiting!? The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective. She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no." She says that's a really good sign. Okay, well I can't think about that stuff. It upsets me...
Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!
Monday, May 6, 2013
Therapy or Not
Cy says prayers with me every night. Well, actually I say prayers with all of them, but my oldest 2 choose to also say their own prayers. Cy says, "God, I just pray for this adoption process since we are almost done."
I hope he's right. He's been praying it every single night for months now. Really, its been ever since we were supposed to have the first termination trial date in February.
Will this thing ever get done?
And now, jump with me off subject and to wherever my crazy brain goes next.
I am feeling like Chi should just STOP all therapy. There is something about constantly asking him what makes him feel bad or sad that is just nagging on me. It seems counterproductive. It's not like we don't talk about big feelings.
Just this weekend he sat on my knee and told me he misses Mommy S and that he likes her and he does not like me. We talked for a long time, but then he was fine. I told him it was okay to love her because she was his first Mommy and I told him it was okay to love me too. On his own he brought up that sometimes she was good Mommy S and sometimes she was bad. He put his arms around me and we had a precious moment in what had started out as a rocky day.
One thing I am learning that my boys each have their own story of what happened to them. I am learning to respect their version of their story. I don't want to give them my views or their siblings. There has been a lot of healing just talking about the trauma as they bring it up and letting them narrate the events without the other brother being a part of the story.
I think the therapy has helped him a little, but that it has helped me a lot. It helped me to understand how they were processing some very big stuff. Now as we have had to miss some appointments I see that it isn't hurting him a bit. It might even be helping. I can't decide what to do.
I hope he's right. He's been praying it every single night for months now. Really, its been ever since we were supposed to have the first termination trial date in February.
Will this thing ever get done?
And now, jump with me off subject and to wherever my crazy brain goes next.
I am feeling like Chi should just STOP all therapy. There is something about constantly asking him what makes him feel bad or sad that is just nagging on me. It seems counterproductive. It's not like we don't talk about big feelings.
Just this weekend he sat on my knee and told me he misses Mommy S and that he likes her and he does not like me. We talked for a long time, but then he was fine. I told him it was okay to love her because she was his first Mommy and I told him it was okay to love me too. On his own he brought up that sometimes she was good Mommy S and sometimes she was bad. He put his arms around me and we had a precious moment in what had started out as a rocky day.
One thing I am learning that my boys each have their own story of what happened to them. I am learning to respect their version of their story. I don't want to give them my views or their siblings. There has been a lot of healing just talking about the trauma as they bring it up and letting them narrate the events without the other brother being a part of the story.
I think the therapy has helped him a little, but that it has helped me a lot. It helped me to understand how they were processing some very big stuff. Now as we have had to miss some appointments I see that it isn't hurting him a bit. It might even be helping. I can't decide what to do.
Friday, April 12, 2013
The Results
Bio mom showed up. She would not relinquish her rights. I am told that when asked by the attorney what she had done to get her boys back she said, "Nothing." From there she proceeded to answer very few questions and lawyers for both sides and the judge had to ask her to speak up.
The police and forensics people, the therapists and doctors all testified. The caseworker told me they ran out of time or it all would have finished yesterday. Now the caseworker and myself have to testify in 2 weeks. I don't know if anyone else had to.
Strangely I am not that sad really. I guess if I am bummed about anything I wish she hadn't shown up. With things going this way I know future babies are safe too. This, to me, seems like the heart of God. Although was okay with the signing away shortcut because the caseworkers behaved like it was for the best and I personally and selfishly want this over with, but another baby shouldn't have to suffer.
My old caseworker talked to me and we had a very pleasant conversation. She said she was feeling pressure and a little grouchy. I wonder if it was hard sitting there while all the professionals testified to all the evidence of the trauma she seemed to want to ignore. Whether that was by her choice, or forced from somewhere higher up I don't know. There is no way the therapists that came in did not bring up the abuses the boys have acted out and talked about. The forensics people even have pictures. It was a good day for the boys, but maybe bad for her.
With bio-mom showing up yesterday and not signing what happened in the darkness has been brought to the light and that is a good thing I believe.
The police and forensics people, the therapists and doctors all testified. The caseworker told me they ran out of time or it all would have finished yesterday. Now the caseworker and myself have to testify in 2 weeks. I don't know if anyone else had to.
Strangely I am not that sad really. I guess if I am bummed about anything I wish she hadn't shown up. With things going this way I know future babies are safe too. This, to me, seems like the heart of God. Although was okay with the signing away shortcut because the caseworkers behaved like it was for the best and I personally and selfishly want this over with, but another baby shouldn't have to suffer.
My old caseworker talked to me and we had a very pleasant conversation. She said she was feeling pressure and a little grouchy. I wonder if it was hard sitting there while all the professionals testified to all the evidence of the trauma she seemed to want to ignore. Whether that was by her choice, or forced from somewhere higher up I don't know. There is no way the therapists that came in did not bring up the abuses the boys have acted out and talked about. The forensics people even have pictures. It was a good day for the boys, but maybe bad for her.
With bio-mom showing up yesterday and not signing what happened in the darkness has been brought to the light and that is a good thing I believe.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Trial Later
The caseworker called me yesterday. We have court this afternoon.
No one has been able to get a hold of bio-mom. Last time she showed up for some last minute stuff just before court. This time she is missing. So once again I am hoping she will not show up. The caseworker advised me that if she does not appear her rights will be taken after a short trial with just my old caseworker's testimony.
The caseworker also informed me that she has worked it out privately with bio-mom's attorney to have a meeting with just the two of them (no bio-grandma allowed) to attempt to get her to voluntarily relinquish her rights. This is what the caseworker is hoping for. She said she wanted me to have hope. She is the area expert in this I am told. The caseworker told me that in 5 years she has only had one family not sign away rights and then they never even showed up for court.
I want to believe her.
Here's the thing. If she relinquishes she can keep future children. If the state deems her unfit they will remove future children. Bio-Mom is very young. I think there is a high probability there will be future children. God alone knows which is the best course. I do not even want to imagine another baby facing what my boys faced.
As I was putting him to bed last night Chi shared some strange and disturbing memories. He was only 1 when he was removed. He is babbling about the same things he was trying to tell me about 8 months ago! I understand him more clearly now as he can speak so much better than he could at first. The things he is describing sound like a mixture of nightmares, simple truths, and things others told him to believe about the events. My point is he was just a baby. He was no match for his tormentors and no other child would be either.
I am praying this is all over today and I am praying that the God who sees all knows which way is the best way to go.
No one has been able to get a hold of bio-mom. Last time she showed up for some last minute stuff just before court. This time she is missing. So once again I am hoping she will not show up. The caseworker advised me that if she does not appear her rights will be taken after a short trial with just my old caseworker's testimony.
The caseworker also informed me that she has worked it out privately with bio-mom's attorney to have a meeting with just the two of them (no bio-grandma allowed) to attempt to get her to voluntarily relinquish her rights. This is what the caseworker is hoping for. She said she wanted me to have hope. She is the area expert in this I am told. The caseworker told me that in 5 years she has only had one family not sign away rights and then they never even showed up for court.
I want to believe her.
Here's the thing. If she relinquishes she can keep future children. If the state deems her unfit they will remove future children. Bio-Mom is very young. I think there is a high probability there will be future children. God alone knows which is the best course. I do not even want to imagine another baby facing what my boys faced.
As I was putting him to bed last night Chi shared some strange and disturbing memories. He was only 1 when he was removed. He is babbling about the same things he was trying to tell me about 8 months ago! I understand him more clearly now as he can speak so much better than he could at first. The things he is describing sound like a mixture of nightmares, simple truths, and things others told him to believe about the events. My point is he was just a baby. He was no match for his tormentors and no other child would be either.
I am praying this is all over today and I am praying that the God who sees all knows which way is the best way to go.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Just a Sinner
Liv woke me up very early this morning. She had dreams about bugs biting her and giving her bumps. I pulled her in close. She is snoozing peacefully in my spot on the bed. I never got back to sleep.
I am wondering if termination will be voluntary. I have been praying a lot.
Ryan may be making some very big job changes. He has meetings today. I am fighting fear on that front. This would not be a step up, but rather a step away from so much stress for him.
I am praying and praying and then I come across these verses about repenting of our sins so God will draw close to us and hear our prayers.
I realize that I am full of faith, but repenting is embarrassing. I don't like to do it. I am one of these people that thinks, "What's the point? I'll just mess up again. God knows I'm sorry." I get a little too full of the idea that God knows me and he knows why I screw up. Still, sin is sin and God's Word tells me He hates sin. I just get so scared when I repent. I think it can't be that easy. I wait for the lightning bolt from the sky.
Repenting. Its such a little thing. Why is it so hard? I'm just telling God I am sorry. I am asking him to forgive me. I am working with him to turn from my sinful habits and attitudes. I used to repent every day for every sin I could think of. I was a thorough little girl. Smile. I'm out of practice.
I did repent and I will keep repenting. There was no lightning bolt. I did cry, but then, I am a crier. I am not going to let my own confrontation avoiding personality keep me from my God. I am going to make repenting a practice again. I would rather over-repent than ignore such a vital link in my relationship with God.
I am wondering if termination will be voluntary. I have been praying a lot.
Ryan may be making some very big job changes. He has meetings today. I am fighting fear on that front. This would not be a step up, but rather a step away from so much stress for him.
I am praying and praying and then I come across these verses about repenting of our sins so God will draw close to us and hear our prayers.
I realize that I am full of faith, but repenting is embarrassing. I don't like to do it. I am one of these people that thinks, "What's the point? I'll just mess up again. God knows I'm sorry." I get a little too full of the idea that God knows me and he knows why I screw up. Still, sin is sin and God's Word tells me He hates sin. I just get so scared when I repent. I think it can't be that easy. I wait for the lightning bolt from the sky.
Repenting. Its such a little thing. Why is it so hard? I'm just telling God I am sorry. I am asking him to forgive me. I am working with him to turn from my sinful habits and attitudes. I used to repent every day for every sin I could think of. I was a thorough little girl. Smile. I'm out of practice.
I did repent and I will keep repenting. There was no lightning bolt. I did cry, but then, I am a crier. I am not going to let my own confrontation avoiding personality keep me from my God. I am going to make repenting a practice again. I would rather over-repent than ignore such a vital link in my relationship with God.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Adoption Attorney
I called through the list of adoption attorneys that I was given by my caseworker. I had to leave a message with every single one. I guess it makes sense that attorneys are busy.
I am not sure what to expect. What kind of questions should I ask? Is one pretty much the same as the next or are the things I should be looking for in our conversation?
I know one thing I am looking for is a timely response.
During this writing I got a call from an attorney. I am so nervous about somehow doing this wrong. I think I need to pray for peace here.
I am not sure what to expect. What kind of questions should I ask? Is one pretty much the same as the next or are the things I should be looking for in our conversation?
I know one thing I am looking for is a timely response.
During this writing I got a call from an attorney. I am so nervous about somehow doing this wrong. I think I need to pray for peace here.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
News, but not Termination
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh! We got to trial and the defense attorney told everyone she would need a 2 and 1/2 hour break in the middle of the court day for some personal thing. This screwed up everything for the police, therapists, and doctors, all lined up to testify so court is now postponed until April.
On a good note the attorney for DC$ had a private meeting with us. She shared her plan and I am feeling much more confident about the whole thing. Ryan and I won't testify unless she feels it is absolutely necessary. If it looks like we will testify she is going to have us in to practice things. They will also prevent me using my full name in court and redact our name and address from the court records.
At this meeting I learned that the original police and investigators are more than willing, they are practically lining up to testify for on the boys' behalf and in support of termination. With the boys being so little and the crimes committed against them being so severe... well, good people want to help. The attorney reminded us this is an extraordinary case. She explained that this is the kind of case that even "bad" parents are shocked by.
We went through pictures of evidence the officers, hospital, doctors, and investigators had taken. I forgot just how bad it was. Seeing those pictures again... I cried. My poor babies, but they are safe now. I can wait. At least they are safe.
The attorney also complimented us on our care of the boys. Those present told us we were amazing for hanging in there with the boys because their behaviors were some of the worst they had seen. I cried again when they said this. It's not that complicated. I'm not that great. I just love them. They make me crazy and I love them with every fiber of my being.
Oh and another thing. Why did those with DC$ act like this was just some simple case of neglect? In speaking with the attorney today I saw her raise her eyebrows at several comments we made and look pointedly at the caseworker. "I had never heard that," she stated. I let her know I sent these things in by email, and she was surprised.
Another good thing. We can cut Baby's hair, they will probably move us to an adoption caseworker anyway, and the lawyer made our caseworker practice her statements for court today. The caseworker told me it was a good thing. She realized she was NOT ready to testify. They are planning to practice several more times prior to the next court date.
So now we hope she signs away rights or termination happens for real next time. I want her to sign away her rights... sort of. I saw the pictures and I never want another baby to go through that kind of thing. If God is choosing this path so DC$ has the right to remove future babies, then I am not going to question that plan. Preventing two months of waiting isn't worth putting another baby through the nightmare my little ones were living.
The lawyer says from here we are looking at nearly a year until we could adopt. I'm okay with that. I just need to know they will never go back.
On a good note the attorney for DC$ had a private meeting with us. She shared her plan and I am feeling much more confident about the whole thing. Ryan and I won't testify unless she feels it is absolutely necessary. If it looks like we will testify she is going to have us in to practice things. They will also prevent me using my full name in court and redact our name and address from the court records.
At this meeting I learned that the original police and investigators are more than willing, they are practically lining up to testify for on the boys' behalf and in support of termination. With the boys being so little and the crimes committed against them being so severe... well, good people want to help. The attorney reminded us this is an extraordinary case. She explained that this is the kind of case that even "bad" parents are shocked by.
We went through pictures of evidence the officers, hospital, doctors, and investigators had taken. I forgot just how bad it was. Seeing those pictures again... I cried. My poor babies, but they are safe now. I can wait. At least they are safe.
The attorney also complimented us on our care of the boys. Those present told us we were amazing for hanging in there with the boys because their behaviors were some of the worst they had seen. I cried again when they said this. It's not that complicated. I'm not that great. I just love them. They make me crazy and I love them with every fiber of my being.
Oh and another thing. Why did those with DC$ act like this was just some simple case of neglect? In speaking with the attorney today I saw her raise her eyebrows at several comments we made and look pointedly at the caseworker. "I had never heard that," she stated. I let her know I sent these things in by email, and she was surprised.
Another good thing. We can cut Baby's hair, they will probably move us to an adoption caseworker anyway, and the lawyer made our caseworker practice her statements for court today. The caseworker told me it was a good thing. She realized she was NOT ready to testify. They are planning to practice several more times prior to the next court date.
So now we hope she signs away rights or termination happens for real next time. I want her to sign away her rights... sort of. I saw the pictures and I never want another baby to go through that kind of thing. If God is choosing this path so DC$ has the right to remove future babies, then I am not going to question that plan. Preventing two months of waiting isn't worth putting another baby through the nightmare my little ones were living.
The lawyer says from here we are looking at nearly a year until we could adopt. I'm okay with that. I just need to know they will never go back.
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