Harvest

The Lord has heard my cry.  My sweet Chi has been precious,  absolutely precious.  How is it that when he is like this I can't imagine not being able to hold his sweet smiling self?

What's working right now?  God.  I have a new line I am using.  "I won't throw a fit if you don't throw a fit."  It can be changed to I won't stomp my feet or I won't be scary if you aren't.  Anything like that.   The idea that his actions can have power over someone else is powerful to him.   He knew he had the power to make others around him miserable.   Now he's learning he has the power to keep things peaceful too.  I know ultimately that is what Chi really wants and he is pursuing that with reminders.  I have only had to mimic the start of 2 fits.  He was instantly startled and unhappy.   I promised I could pull it together if he could ;) and he did.  Thank you God.

I did gave another dynamic shift into play.   Chi was good so Obee decided he couldn't be the good one anymore. Obee has always struggled knowing his place when we are happy with everyone.  We were going downhill fast until I told him it was okay if they were both good boys because then we could have even more fun.  I made sure to love on them both and Obee, so far, is accepting this logic.

I am thanking God for this time.  I pray the peace will continue.

Weary

Galatians 6:9  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.




This life is not for wimps that is one thing I can say.  If someone ever asked me what my number one prerequisite for foster/adoptive parents it would have to be do not allow wimpy people to sign up.  I am not a wimp.  I may whine, but I am definitely not a wimp... But lately I am so weary.  

In any other line of ministry or work when we get tired we can step back.  We say acceptable Christian phrases like, "I am at a point in my life where I need to pare down," or we say, "I am learning how to say, "no.""  We DO grow weary in doing well and we take breaks.  Even strong people take breaks, wimpy people take A LOT of breaks.  

When you bring a hurting child or children into your home most of us know its not going to be easy.  We weren't looking for easy.  Most of us know that there are no fairy tales, but I think a lot of us did sign up to be a part of a very messy redemption story.  We know its going to be hard and take a long time.  We know we aren't wimps.  We can go a LONG time without a breakthrough.  We just kind of forget that we are opting out of being able to bow out during difficult seasons.  We go through the rollercoaster every day without a break and it becomes exhausting.  Watching that child or children every single day for triggers, trauma, pain, and manipulation  is beyond tiring.

This week as we go back, back, back, to urine, and screaming, lies, manipulations, and destructiveness, I want to quit.  Except... There is NO QUITTING.  These are kids who need me to never, ever, ever, quit on them.  These are kids that can't be healthier if I dump the load, they can only get worse.

Today I wonder, is this what carrying my cross is?  There is pain, and fear, and trauma, and drama, and there is no choice but to keep going.  I can't see redemption.  I can't see the harvest to come.  Its too hard right now.  I can only look at my feet through the tears that stream down my face and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

I don't know how to not be weary. I'm not sure how to get there, but I do know how to keep going.  I am grabbing that second half of Galatians 6:9.  I hope God understands that I am tired, but that I won't quit.  I will never stop believing that the harvest is coming. 

 Oh Lord Jesus please let me begin to see some of that harvest in Chi.

Peeing

Chi and I went to Sensory therapy today.  He did okay.  He had to pee one time more than usual, but that's it.  Fyi one of Chi's big things is having to pee when he's upset, bored, excited, mad.

He only moaned, cried, and twisted a few times on the ride home.  I picked up the kids, dropped off the sitters,  and headed to Walmart.   I decided to skip a ton of fights and keep him in his own cart and have Cy push Zee in another.  He, Chi demanded to pee 4 times while we were in there.   Demanding it involves screaming, sobbing, slobbering, and grabbing himself.  So I took him because if I don't he will pee himself.  The last time it was the faintest trickle, but it got him out of the cart!  He said he had to go again and started in, but then Cy said something about flushing him.  The show stopped instantly and he asked Cy not to flush him.  "I will just hold it okay Cy?"  This was said in a perfectly calm and normal voice as if he wasn't just losing it.  Part of me knows its manipulation,  but if I'm going to be cleaning pee then it works.

Later at  naptime I sent him to go potty and get in bed.  15 minutes later he's running around yelling he has to go potty.  So I let him.  5 minutes later he's screaming from bed that he has to go.  Wearing a diaper doesn't stop any of it.

So that's today so far.  Not feeling too snuggly right now.

Birthday

Today we celebrated Zee's 2nd birthday.  He is fantastic, amazing, wonderful, onery, and just about the culmination of everything I ever hoped to experience in adopting a child.  He is amazing.  He brings our entire family more joy than I can even express, but this post isn't about Zee.  This post is about Chi.

See Chi is everything I had hoped to avoid in adopting.  I apologize if this offends anyone, but I have to be real.  His special needs make me feel like a lunatic.   There seems to be no place I can zero in and be the hero for him.  He wants love but he rejects love.  He wants peace but spreads rage and chaos.  He is angry, neurologically impaired, and incredibly unsettling.
Yesterday, I watched his raging silence a store full of people.  He has a stealth mode.  He smiles and chats he can be Mr. Personality then something happens... This time it was something so mundane as not allowing him to carry a cleaner through the store.  First his back arches, his legs join the act, he moans, he throws himself in a jerky fashion to the ground and the screaming starts the screaming doesn't stop in 5 minutes it can go on and on and on.  An older lady walked up and asked him what was wrong and he stopped and stared blankly at her while she talked.  Then I announced we needed to check out, he puffed his arms out turned and gave me an angry glare and growled, "I Am NOT talkin to YOU."  Even Obee was shocked at his boldness.  I remained calm and told the boys it was time to go.  Cue the flailing, jerking, dancing like he has to pee, and screaming.  The older lady tried to calm him.  He turned his glare and screeching on her and the 15 or so adults around us went silent. Outside, I am the picture of calm, but inside?  Well, inside it's not pretty.   He did not stop screaming until we were home and then it was just long enough to tell me he was not going to his room.   Oh yes he was!

Here is the thing, I love Chi.  I mean I love him deeply.  I don't have any tricks left in my bag for Chi.  I have tried it all.  I have worked to change myself and my family for this little man, I have done so much to try and help him heal, but it doesn't work.  Nothing works for long.  Lots of things work for a little bit. My only remaing strategy that I cannot and will not abandon is prayer.  When he starts I try to remember to do nothing but pray.  Too often any other method seems only to place temporary bandages over a raging wound.  I don't remember to pray nearly enough.

Then there was tonight.  At the close of Zee's party I gave Chi a big bubble wand so he could run with the other kids as Chi had been so desperate to participate in the game.  In less than 2 minutes he had used it as weapon to inflict pain.  Ryan looked at me with incredulous  eyes.  Why would I even give Chi the opportunity to participate? We KNOW this boy.  Just as quickly he let it go.  We have to give Chi room to succeed too.  I looked Ryan in the eyes and we shared a soul moment.  "He is so hard," I whispered.  Ryan's eyes reflected my pain.  At the end of Zee's special night it was Chi we bundled into our bed for special time.  We talked with him about Dora and Spiderman, Mexican hats, and the Octopus he tells us lives in the pond.  We held hands and prayed over our boy and we prayed for ourselves.  We cannot abandon him to his anger and pain. He is 3.  He needs to know he isn't going to be abandoned again.

For better or worse he is our baby boy and we will stay in the trenches with him, because when he makes his silly faces and sings his silly songs and tells Cy, "Remember Mom loves you even though you got in trouble." It is enough.  I see him in there behind all the junk.  I see this amazing person under all that pain. I see the beautiful soul God put inside of Chi and I am so grateful that God gave me easy, breezy, Zee.  If I had been given only Chi maybe I wouldn't have held on long enough to see the beauty inside my beautiful Chi.  He is a strand of gold embedded in the rock, beautiful, and valuable,  and just waiting to be set free. 

Caseworker visit

Today an adoption caseworker came to visit.  Its our 2nd month on the new side of all of this.  We are no longer working with an ongoing caseworker.  I should be relieved and actually I am, but its still hard.  I am so excited for the day when they are just mine and I decide when and who we visit. 
I don't know why, but as we were cleaning the bedrooms today Obie started talking about biomom and became all fearful about having to go see her.  Even hearing that a caseworker is coming over is enough to bring out his insecurities.   I reassured him as best I could, but he started getting very repetitive, which is something he does when he is anxious.  Finally, I got my no-nonsense voice out and told him he wasn't going anywhere unless I said so and I would not be allowing any visits because they made my boys too sad.  That was enough for him and he moved on to discussions about new things.  Obie knows adoption means something big.  He knows he's not adopted, but that he is going to be.  He will ask me randomly if he is adopted. 
"No,  not yet."
"But I am going to be right Mom?  Right?  Then I can sleep in the basement like Cy if l want?  Right?"
Somewhere along the line he even picked up that he is not allowed a room in the basement.
Even though this time post termination is 1000x better than than pre termination I know there will be sweet relief for one little boy when this is all finally settled.