Reruns

Tyke has been having a really hard time since the visit last week.  He is usually "over it" by now.  He is going back to some old behaviors.  He is sucking his thumb again and digging at his skin to the point of damage.  He is trying to control every situation. If you want him to go slow he will go fast.  If you want him to go fast he will go slow.  If you say its time to sit he will stand and if you say its time to stand he will lay down (in the middle of children's church on the floor).  He is hungry when it isn't time to eat and he is full when we sit down to eat.  Its all about control.  He tells me he is sick one minute and the next he is displaying manic behaviors.  He is also acting out scenes from his past again and trying to involve me in them.  I haven't seen that in a very very long time.  I am sad.

I don't know what to do about it.  It's the visit.  He is tangled up inside.  It's the fact that he knows she wants him back.  He is a mess!  I want to hold him and tell him he's mine forever because I know that is what he wants to hear, but I can't tell him that because I don't know what his future holds.  Maybe I did something really wrong by telling him Mommy S loves him and wants him to come back to her home.  I just really don't feel like I can continue not to talk about that and then it is just another violent change in his life.

I pray bio-momma gives up her rights.  I know she can change, and be redeemed, and healed, and all of that, but Tyke needs to be free from that.  The places I see him regressing to...  He is going back to old ugly stuff because of ONE visit, what will happen when he is in her home and so ready and able to pick up old patterns? 

I realized that God has been working and reworking me to this place of compassion for bio-mom.  I really feel like I am getting it.  The other night I prayed and I told God I was laying my will on the altar so I could be exactly what he wanted.  I was sad to lay my will down because then how could I do what was best for the boys if I had a heart for her?  Then within a few minutes after praying that fear lifted.  I could see clearly maybe for the first time.

I am to pray for her and love her and seek God's will in all of our lives, but I being used by God in the role of advocate for these boys.  To the best of my knowledge I am advocating and praying on Tyke, Tot, and Baby's behalf and for their best interests.  Wherever my judgement is wrong I trust that God will correct it, and correct the course, but I can only fulfill my role and not become embittered in the process.

Another cool thing... Saturday night I was speaking to God in a very logical prayer about my "options" and what would God like me to do given my failings as I see them and the limitations of the system, etc.

I turned on the radio after this prayer time and the next program on featured the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths."  Proverbs 3:5  It was yet another gentle reminder from the Lord that I don't have to have the plan, I only need to submit.  When I think of that verse I just imagine that out of nowhere the Lord puts the path under my feet.  If I just walk daily submitting to his will I don't have to look to the right or left to find my way.  He is just going to make the path for me right where I am.

Oh yeah, and in Sunday School I heard about how a Mother Giraffe kicked her newborn calf repeatedly to get it to stand because she was "protecting" the baby by getting it to walk.  Then when the baby giraffe finally stood up, she kicked it again and knocked it down.  The person watching asked the zoologist why and the zoologist answered that she wanted the baby to remember how to get up. I realized that God has been using this whole process to bring me repeatedly to the place of surrendering my will.  I have been asking God (accusingly) why he is making me go through this again and again.  Why can't we just get to the next part already?!  Then I realized that God is a little like that Momma giraffe.  He is putting me in a difficult place so I will learn to do the hard things.  When I think I have mastered surrender I often feel like I get kicked (tested) again and I learn again how to surrender.  One of these days I pray my surrender will be as second nature to me as standing up.

See?  I told you God was working on me!