News, but not Termination

Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh!  We got to trial and the defense attorney told everyone she would need a 2 and 1/2 hour break in the middle of the court day for some personal thing.  This screwed up everything for the police, therapists, and doctors, all lined up to testify so court is now postponed until April.

On a good note the attorney for DC$ had a private meeting with us.  She shared her plan and I am feeling much more confident about the whole thing.  Ryan and I won't testify unless she feels it is absolutely necessary.  If it looks like we will testify she is going to have us in to practice things.  They will also prevent me using my full name in court and redact our name and address from the court records.

At this meeting I learned that the original police and investigators are more than willing, they are practically lining up to testify for on the boys' behalf and in support of termination.  With the boys being so little and the crimes committed against them being so severe...  well, good people want to help.  The attorney reminded us this is an extraordinary case. She explained that this is the kind of case that even "bad" parents are shocked by.

We went through pictures of evidence the officers, hospital, doctors, and investigators had taken.  I forgot just how bad it was.  Seeing those pictures again... I cried.  My poor babies, but they are safe now.  I can wait.  At least they are safe. 

The attorney also complimented us on our care of the boys.  Those present told us we were amazing for hanging in there with the boys because their behaviors were some of the worst they had seen.  I cried again when they said this.  It's not that complicated.  I'm not that great.  I just love them.  They make me crazy and I love them with every fiber of my being.





Oh and another thing.  Why did those with DC$ act like this was just some simple case of neglect?  In speaking with the attorney today I saw her raise her eyebrows at several comments we made and look pointedly at the caseworker.  "I had never heard that," she stated.  I let her know I sent these things in by email, and she was surprised.

Another good thing.  We can cut Baby's hair, they will probably move us to an adoption caseworker anyway, and the lawyer made our caseworker practice her statements for court today.  The caseworker told me it was a good thing.  She realized she was NOT ready to testify.  They are planning to practice several more times prior to the next court date.

So now we hope she signs away rights or termination happens for real next time.  I want her to sign away her rights... sort of.   I saw the pictures and I never want another baby to go through that kind of thing.  If God is choosing this path so DC$ has the right to remove future babies, then I am not going to question that plan. Preventing two months of waiting isn't worth putting another baby through the nightmare my little ones were living.

The lawyer says from here we are looking at nearly a year until we could adopt.  I'm okay with that.  I just need to know they will never go back.

A Foster Mom

i got good advice from my mom tonight.  Tomorrow I am just a Foster Mom.  I am putting all my future plans aside.  I need to do a good job advocating for my foster kids.  What would I want for any foster child?  Any child for that matter?  I want them to be safe.  I want them to be loved.

I am just going to be a good foster mom if and when I take the stand tomorrow.  That's all I need to do.

You Know What I Won't Miss!?

If and when we finally get these babes adopted I won't miss the boo boo reports. 

Here is how a three year old thinks.  'A tub full of toys just sitting here doing nothing?  I can do something about that!  I will pick it up and I will fling the toys everywhere. Weird... My brother's screaming.  "Tot, Waz wong Tot!?  I hurt you?  Sorry 'bout dat!"  Now... where was I?


Meanwhile, I am dealing with the shiner and the report and all the concerns.  Tyke is corrected for flinging toys.  No major deal in his world.  He gets corrected all the time.  Big hairy report for me.

AHHHH!!!

Seriously aggravated here...

My phone call...

Me: Hi Caseworker what's up?

Caseworker:  Bio Mom showed up for most recent drug test.  I know she is going to show up for court now.

Me:  Oh... That's dissappointing.

Caseworker: (Sounding shocked)  I know!  She hasn't shown up to anything in so long.  I really didn't expect her too.

Me:  Yeah, I was kind of hoping she would keep the pattern going.

Caseworker: (Sounding overworked)  I don't even have my timeline done yet!  I was supposed to have that done.  The lawyer told me to have it done and be practicing my statements, but I really didn't think she'd show!

Me:  (Faking nonchalance)  Is the timeline difficult?

Caseworker:  Oh yeah it's going to take me forever.  (Laughing)  Nothing like waiting until the last minute.  (More laughing.)

Pause....   What do I say here?  She's not READY?

Me:  Well, I have been praying.  I have my whole family praying.

Caseworker:  (Still laugh-talking)  You tell them they aren't praying hard enough!

I kind of like my caseworker on some levels, but she has no idea the horror she struck into my heart.  We have been subpoenaed and I have been going back through everything I have had to report to DC$ or just personally noted.   I spent the last two days sorting through my notes of all of the horrors the boys have endured.  Spending all of this time looking at the reality of what they have come from.  They CANNOT go back because the defense is able to make the caseworker look incompetent.

On a good note.  I found out both therapists are subpoenaed to testify.  I have heard the judge really respects their testimony.  I am relieved they will be there, especially with the advocate unable to appear.  (Please keep him in your prayers.  His cancer is very aggressive.)


Oh yes in case I posted wrong on this blog court is Thursday, not Wednesday.

What are we doing?  We are making sure our notes for testifying are rock solid with dates and times etc.  We are praying.

Please pray?

Court, Names, and Prayers

I got the list of questions from the caseworker today.  The only part I will need to be very careful on is the question about specific behaviors when they came into our home.  I need to remind myself specifics and not opinions.

We have been working on names for the boys.  Baby and Tot are decided on, but we have struggled with Tyke for a long time.  I think we finally came to an agreement last night for Tyke so I am very excited about that.

We have toyed with a few names for him, and we playfully would call the boys by their names.  Everything we ever played with for Tyke just did not seem to fit.  I suppose one of the advantages of foster care is being able to do something like name testing.

We are changing the names.  Not because we think their old names aren't good enough or something like that, it is simply for security.  We live too close to those who might harm the boys or even other members of our family.  We want our babies to be hard to find.  I think I have explained this before, but I just wanted ya'll to know my heart on the issue.

I so want to share the new names here... This is hard to fight.  When/If they are adopted I will post pictures and first names.  I may pull them down later, but I will have to share my beautiful family at least for a bit.

Okay, I have to go work through the list of questions now.  I am praying for court.  I am praying for a successful termination.  Oh please, oh please, oh please!

Nervous

I got a call on Friday.  We are supposed to be ready to testify for court on Wednesday.  No subpoena, no prep, just be ready... Okay...   All the little call did was make me nervous.  Caseworker said she was going to send me an email with some information, but she did not.

I got some advice today from other former foster Moms.  Stick to the point.  Give short answers.  I'm really nervous though.  I am praying God will go ahead of me and fight the battle. 

A Little Complaint

Homeschooling with the 3 babies is hard stuff.  There are just no real breaks unless I leave the house altogether. I am so tired tonight.

Tyke is in what I see as an attention tailspin.  He's just desperate for all he can get.  My Cy is kind of full of simmering aggression.  He's not angry, but he is easily set off by Tyke right now and wants his space.  Tyke doesn't believe in space so its been a trying few days.

Liv  is and always has been full of emotion good or bad and she's feeling lazy about school.  Tot and I are potty training again... Nuf said there, and Baby is getting more molars.

I can't just have the house clean and peaceful for even 1 hour. That's not how it works for homeschool Mommas.  I am keeping on and thrilled with my large and rollercoaster-like family.  I'm just... tired.

No Judge Will Take Them From You

That's what my caseworker said on the phone last Friday.  She called to talk to me about our advocate's cancer diagnosis and she said she wanted to be sure and call so I wouldn't worry about how this would affect the case.  The caseworker believes this is almost a done deal.  She told me that our plan will move straight to the adoption side of things even with the final paperwork on absent fathers pending.

She told me how even with the end approaching bio-mom is doing nothing to work her plan. She told me that even if she magically did everything in her plan over the rest of the days remaining she still wouldn't win this case.  Oh how I hope and pray she is right.  Again the caseworker told me there is a very good chance that bio-mom won't even show up.  I am praying so hard for that outcome.  It would be like when the Lord has his armies prepare for battle and then he goes ahead of them and there is no battle at all.

She ended the conversation saying, "No judge is going to take those boys from you.  They are going to stay with you."  Do I dare trust that?  I must admit I am growing comfortable.  I am beginning to believe her assurances.  Please Father...

I'm Listening

Sometimes life is hard.  Okay, lots of times life is hard, and I hate it when it starts to feel like we are in similar situations over and over again.  I have been feeling like that with one of my precious little ones.  I remembered a lesson I heard once.  If you don't figure out why God keeps bringing you to a similar place you are bound to end up back in that place over and over and over again.

Then I heard a speaker through Ted X (You'll have to put that in YouTube if you are curious because I came across it randomly) and she was talking about the same idea.  When God brings hard things into our lives our job is to ask him for his lesson in that hard thing.  If we can just get the lesson oftentimes we can MOVE ON from a hard place.  Moving on can take a lot of forms, maybe I will move on literally, mentally, or emotionally, but I won't stay feeling trapped in a painful place.

Long story short, or I will never publish.  I asked God what the lesson was in my struggles with Tot.  I felt/heard him say, "Listen."  Several times since then he has confirmed that message.

I struggle with hearing "innappropriate displays" of discomfort.  Too often I want to shut it down and end my discomfort.  I have taken that lesson to heart.  I have had to force myself at times to say, "I'm listening," when I want to say, "Stop screaming."  I am seeing a huge difference in him.  Even some of the antics that aren't about just screaming in fear or anger.  If I say, "I heard you say you saw a tractor."  Then Tot stops screaming about the tractor he just saw.  If I say, "I hear you saying you are thirsty," then he stops moaning and twisting and banging himself into me.  Even when I can't get to it right away it is helping him so much when I hold his little hand and look in his face and just say, "I'm listening." 

Thank God that He gets me even better than I do. 

No Papoose for My Boy

We got to go to the dentist again today.  Poor Tyke has 5 cavities.  The dentist told me they are not like the rotten cavities you would normally see.  His crowns have some developmental issues so they are open where they should be closed... or something like that.  Tyke did not take even this simple exam well.  He kept telling the dentist.  "You're hurting me, and pushing his hands away."  The dentist was super nice and did nothing to hurt my Tyke.

Regardless, these have to be filled.  He described different ways we can handle my fearful boy.  He said if he fights at all they will have to wrap him up papoose style.  Excuse me?  No way.  I said, "Do you need him to be able to breathe through his nose while you work? ...  Yes?  Okay, you will not be able to trap him like that.  Let me tell you some of this boy's history.............................  So you see if you wrap him up like that he will transform, he will scream and cuss, and puke.  There will be no breathing through the nose.  There will be snot everywhere.  What else can you do?"

The dentist was very understanding and Tyke is going to undergo anesthesia.  I wish there was another way, but if I ever want Tyke to go to the dentist with only a normal amount of apprehension we cannot start out his dental health life on this particular note.

Later, I met up with my caseworker since I was nearby.  She is moving to assessment and I will be getting a new caseworker.  She will still handle the termination trial I guess.  She said they have tons of paperwork showing the need for termination.  During the pre-trial the defense handed over one document.  It was the certificate for the parenting class that both bio-mom and bio-grandma went to.  Both of them missed too many classes, which DC$ has noted in their files, but for some reason they were issued the certificate anyway. 

Caseworker is very confident.  Court for bio-mom is going forward as scheduled.  Caseworker said complete termination may not be final until the end of March, due to absent father paperwork, but she is certain it will all be done at that time.  She expects this case to move to the adoption side of things at the end of this month.  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!

Ya'll I am SO EXCITED!  This may actually happen.  I may actually really and truly get to be their forever mama!

Cy's Dream

Cy had a dream when he first learned to ride a bike.  He remembered it tonight as we had our nightly chat at bedtime. 

" Mom do you remember the dream I had when I rode a bicycle?  I rode my bike up to heaven and God was there.  There were all these people who were good at different things.  They were in God's army.  Then I saw the devil and he had a big army too.  They were coming after us. 

God made a really big ramps and I rode my bike up on them and jumped off and banged it into the devil's teeth.  Then God took the devil down and the army crowded around helping.  God and the devil were like 50 feet tall!  The rest of us were normal though.  They were really huge ramps."

Me - "What made you remember that dream Cy?"

"Well, we were talking about what our purpose is and I remembered that dream.  Do you think it was from God?"

Me- "Cy I think there is a good chance that dream was from God.  Because it doesn't matter what you are good at, even if it's riding a bike, if you are willing to use that for God than he can use you in his army."

"Is God using me right now?" 

"Yes, everytime you love on your little brothers and you pray for them God is using you.  I see the way Tyke lights up and looks so confident when you show him good attention.  God is using you right now to help Tyke see that he is special, that he can do things.  You don't have to wait for God to give you your purpose someday.  God is using you for a purpose right now."

I was rewarded with a big smile.  "That's cool Mom, that God is using me for my brothers RIGHT now."

Then a Conviction Bulldozer arrived on the scene.  Tot, my precious, challenging, nerve-wracking boy, he is my calling RIGHT now.  God is using me for Tot right now and too often I feel like running from my role instead of embracing it.  If I am willing to do what I can do God can use me in his army right now.  He can use me for Tot.  He IS using me for Tot.  God needs me to love him and build him up, to train him and mold him so that he will understand that he is precious, specifically made by God to do good, and to help him understand that he is filled with inherent worth because he is created in God's image.  I want to help him understand that he was created by God, for God, because God has a plan for him.   

Thank you God for Cy and our little talks. 

Better

I am so thankful for good weather so the kids can go out and play.  We broke the cycle of me trying to get something done followed by one of the kids (usually Tot) coming to me crying mad about something. At the start of the day yesterday I feared I was in for more of the same.  I had tried playing in the garage with them, but that wasn't helping enough. 

Then sunshine and warmer temps kicked in and the kids spent hours yesterday, jumping, rolling, climbing, and just all around happy.  Even Mister Tot was grinning and running.  He's such a happy boy in open spaces.  Yesterday was a nice reprieve from the cabin fever that was setting in.

There are a few developments important around here.

  First, Liv lost both of her front teeth yesterday.  There was a Cy/Liv collision involving jumping and fists.  Cy didn't intend to harm Liv.  They were playing all happy and bouncy and to put it in Cy's words, "My fist went in her mouth and her teeth kinda went all sideways."  There was blood and crying (the teeth were loose anyway), but since my daughter has strong feelings about things and she completely absolved her brother I am certain there were no intentions to harm that I missed in the interchange.  My girl is happy and $2 richer!


Second, Cy and Ryan had their birthday!  Ryan and I had decided that birthdays needed to become small family affairs now.  The last few parties I tried to plan were stress-filled for all of us. When my kids are grown I don't want them to remember me running around trying to make everything perfect for our guests and shooing them off to do other things.  I want them to remember their birthdays as a time when their parents and siblings made a big deal about them... not the party.  Celebrations now involve, your choice of restaurant, your favorite desert, and a small gift from every member of the family.  If we had our extended family nearby I would include them, but we don't so this is what works for us.

It really turned out well.  The nice weather put everyone in a good mood.  Ryan had his day to choose a restaurant already, so Cy chose our local Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet.  He was shoving in egg rolls and grinning from ear to ear.  My favorite line at the restaurant was when it was getting time to leave.  Cy said, "But I don't think I've had all I can eat yet."  That's my Cy.  "All you can eat" is a challenge.

 It wasn't too hard to get him to let go since there was a favorite desert at home.  We got home and every person handed out their gifts to Daddy and Cy.  Even Baby toddled over and handed a gift to Daddy and a gift to Cy. We sang the birthday song and had our choice of TWO deserts.  A pumpkin pie with a big number 9 candle in the center and one candle-free Chocolate Cherry Cake (Ryan prefers no blowing/spitting to happen over his desert choice).  Then we all just hung out and were silly together.  Ryan didn't leave to get anything done and neither did I.  If I had to compare it to the Disney World birthday complete with dining in the castle with princesses I would say this was just as good.  Maybe... Better.

Endless

Baby's not feeling well.

The little boys are demanding today.

The house needs cleaned.

My stomach hurts.

Liv and Cy still need to get school today.

I am the hamster in the wheel.

Backwards

Today felt like a step backwards. I have seen it coming in increments.

 Loving gestures from Tyke have started to feel a little fake lately.  He acts like he is going to give me a sweet kiss then quickly goes overboard and it feels like an unruly dog is in my face.  He seems to want a hug and suddenly he is yanking me by my neck.

He has been playing with toys in ways that replay his past.

He wants held like a baby and works hard so no one else can get that spot.  Including demanding "his spot" back when he sees someone else getting attention.

He smashes his food, rips his food, licks his food, and pretends to be eating food from an empty fork, but he still tantrums when his plate is removed.

When he plays with the other kids he is disrespecting their things and invading personal space.

Even Tot has gone backwards a little.  Spinning and moaning to keep my attention on him.  I have been teaching for the last year to ask for "Help," instead of screaming.  "Help,"  he says it over and over and refuses to tell me what he needs help with.  He says, "Help" to keep me looking at him.  It has become a sound without meaning.

There has been a trauma trigger.  I left for a few days.  Today, Ryan has gone back to work after some vacation time.  I guess its probably that.  There is a part of me that really resists this kind of thing as the reason behind the behaviors.  It feels like that places the blame on externals instead of on person doing the behaviors.  Blame is not the ideal word, but I am grasping to put what I feel into words here.

They haven't had a visit in 3 weeks.  Maybe... Probably there is grief.  As traumatizing as the visits were they were still a connection to her.

I just had to pray today that God will come and help here.  I suppose there will always be these moments when I feel like this is too big for me.  I have to step back and remember to take it one step at a time.

Before They Wake Up.

I should be getting ready for church.  I will... in a minute.  It's so quiet and peaceful right now.  No one is demanding anything.  There are no sibling squabbles erupting.

Do you hear that?              


 Neither do I.                              


 Bliss.


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Okay, I seriously have to haul buns now.  Its just me and the 4 youngest for church today and my husband is definitely my right hand man.  I gotta move it, move it!  I gotta move IT!  


Mandy, you do realize some of your crazy just leaked out on your blog right?  You gonna clean that up? 

No.  No, I'm not.