I dropped a very heavy wood highchair tray on my foot. We got to go to the ER for an x-ray. Nothing looked broken, but I have a bad sprain in my ankle and the portion that got hit feels like something sharp is poking into me every time I touch it. This is no fun, but...
A friend came by and folded laundry for me. Tot kissed my "Boo Boo" several times. Another friend came by and visited and brought me lunch and washed my dishes, and tonight I got another big surprise when ANOTHER friend brought me dinner! My handsome man has been caring for the little folk and emptying my dishwasher.
Yes, it stinks to have my foot in a splint, but I think God has been very nice to me. Just sayin!
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Exceedingly, Abundantly, More
When the boys first arrived I was just a means to an end and they were terrible to one another. They either fought each other or ignored each other. I remember pulling Tot off of Tyke's head as he attempted to rake his nails across Tyke's cheeks. I remember them shoving food in their mouths as quickly as possible and reaching out and stealing their brothers' food as quickly as possible.
At the time my biggest prayer was that somehow God would help me to keep them all safe. In the first 2 months of the arrival NO ONE was safe. God is so cool! Ephesians 3:20 is at work in my life right now "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,"
I watched the boys share a single bottle of water outside this past weekend. They smiled and chatted with one another. They had no idea I was watching them. The bottle of water was passed sweetly back and forth, and the conversation they were sharing seemed much more important to them than the bottle of water they were passing.
The play therapist arrived today to similar sweetness. Yes, they argued a bit, but they played together and complimented each other and came over for snuggles with me. I wish I could take the credit, but I can't it's all God doing exceedingly, abundantly, MORE.
This morning they sat side by side and enjoyed some freezer pops together. There was no need or desire for mortal combat, they were just two buddies enjoying some Popsicles. This is how they do life now. This is not the exception, this is the rule. God is so cool!
At the time my biggest prayer was that somehow God would help me to keep them all safe. In the first 2 months of the arrival NO ONE was safe. God is so cool! Ephesians 3:20 is at work in my life right now "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,"
I watched the boys share a single bottle of water outside this past weekend. They smiled and chatted with one another. They had no idea I was watching them. The bottle of water was passed sweetly back and forth, and the conversation they were sharing seemed much more important to them than the bottle of water they were passing.
The play therapist arrived today to similar sweetness. Yes, they argued a bit, but they played together and complimented each other and came over for snuggles with me. I wish I could take the credit, but I can't it's all God doing exceedingly, abundantly, MORE.
This morning they sat side by side and enjoyed some freezer pops together. There was no need or desire for mortal combat, they were just two buddies enjoying some Popsicles. This is how they do life now. This is not the exception, this is the rule. God is so cool!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
YES!
We have visits on Wednesday usually. I prayed asking God to stop this one if at all possible. Yesterday was such a good day (other than those pesky tantrum moments with Tot), as most Tuesdays are, and then visit day comes and dysregulated toddlers make life very hard on themselves and everyone else for the next 48 hours. I can't stop these visits I can only pray. When they happen I try to make the best of it for the boys' sake and my own.
I got the call this morning that visit was cancelled. I let God know how thankful I was. Then I got another call 15 minutes later rescheduling the visit 1 hour back so as to accommodate Bio-Mom's schedule. I was soooo frustrated! The caseworker and judge had said NOT to accommodate last minute schedule changes, but as is often the case, individual parties do what they want anyway.
I fought with myself for 10 minutes then I sent an email off to the caseworker letting her know that the visit had been rescheduled at the last minute. Here's the good part. She was upset! She called the visit supervisor and said this visit was not happening. She told her all changes must occur 24 hours out and they must go through her, not me! Then she called me and let me know the situation. Yes! Yes! Yes!
I got the chance to thank God all over again. I get some more great days with the boys without any visit residue clinging to them.
I got the call this morning that visit was cancelled. I let God know how thankful I was. Then I got another call 15 minutes later rescheduling the visit 1 hour back so as to accommodate Bio-Mom's schedule. I was soooo frustrated! The caseworker and judge had said NOT to accommodate last minute schedule changes, but as is often the case, individual parties do what they want anyway.
I fought with myself for 10 minutes then I sent an email off to the caseworker letting her know that the visit had been rescheduled at the last minute. Here's the good part. She was upset! She called the visit supervisor and said this visit was not happening. She told her all changes must occur 24 hours out and they must go through her, not me! Then she called me and let me know the situation. Yes! Yes! Yes!
I got the chance to thank God all over again. I get some more great days with the boys without any visit residue clinging to them.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Therapy Today
We had our bi-weekly therapy appointment today. I have been attempting to communicate the degree to which Tot is negatively affected by visits, but today was helpful.
Tyke started out talking about how he doesn't like to go to visits. Next, Tot started rolling, jerking, kicking, and running about the room. He was desperate for my attention and he would do something/anything to have my eyes back on him as soon as I looked away. He made whining animal noises, he yelled, he shoved, he kicked his legs and stomped his feet. I sat back and looked at our therapist and said, "This is the entire day after visits." I attempted to help him as much as possible to communicate, but he wasn't having it, so I just sat back and watched the event play out after that.
The therapist stepped in. She did butterfly touch, she encouraged him to talk, she did all kinds of therapy type things, and Tot just screamed and twisted and turned. It was angry screaming, he refused to allow her to comfort him. He kept looking over at me, and I just kept on doing... nothing. Finally, he allowed her to hold him in a baby way. She rocked him and encouraged him to be a big boy, and talk. He still never did really talk, but he calmed down a bit and then promptly came over and crawled up on my lap.
From my perspective (and I'll admit this is a worn out Foster Momma perspective) he effectively got 100% of the attention back on himself, while Tyke and Baby took a complete backseat. Fortunately everyone else was fine in this moment and he could have that time, but it really isn't realistic of what I can do for him everyday.
He is part of a group that will not be separated if at all possible. It is so sad, that he did not get to be a normal, healthy, cherished baby boy, but he cannot steal the attention from others.
After therapy he attempted the same behavior several times. I spoke with a friend and he acted this way to get my attention, I picked up Baby to sweep some mystery item out of his mouth and Tot was there with stomping and yelling, and throwing himself down. I actually held Tot and rocked him, but I dared to look away and he twisted and cried and moaned until I would look back at him. Therapy Schmerapy, I'd had it! I put that boy in time out and after figuring out I wasn't letting up until he knocked off the unhealthy behavior, Tot pulled himself together and we had a pleasant afternoon.
I did learn something about the unhealthy behavior the day after visits though... Give them some love, but nip it in the bud. I think my Grandma would agree with that line of thinking.
Tyke started out talking about how he doesn't like to go to visits. Next, Tot started rolling, jerking, kicking, and running about the room. He was desperate for my attention and he would do something/anything to have my eyes back on him as soon as I looked away. He made whining animal noises, he yelled, he shoved, he kicked his legs and stomped his feet. I sat back and looked at our therapist and said, "This is the entire day after visits." I attempted to help him as much as possible to communicate, but he wasn't having it, so I just sat back and watched the event play out after that.
The therapist stepped in. She did butterfly touch, she encouraged him to talk, she did all kinds of therapy type things, and Tot just screamed and twisted and turned. It was angry screaming, he refused to allow her to comfort him. He kept looking over at me, and I just kept on doing... nothing. Finally, he allowed her to hold him in a baby way. She rocked him and encouraged him to be a big boy, and talk. He still never did really talk, but he calmed down a bit and then promptly came over and crawled up on my lap.
From my perspective (and I'll admit this is a worn out Foster Momma perspective) he effectively got 100% of the attention back on himself, while Tyke and Baby took a complete backseat. Fortunately everyone else was fine in this moment and he could have that time, but it really isn't realistic of what I can do for him everyday.
He is part of a group that will not be separated if at all possible. It is so sad, that he did not get to be a normal, healthy, cherished baby boy, but he cannot steal the attention from others.
After therapy he attempted the same behavior several times. I spoke with a friend and he acted this way to get my attention, I picked up Baby to sweep some mystery item out of his mouth and Tot was there with stomping and yelling, and throwing himself down. I actually held Tot and rocked him, but I dared to look away and he twisted and cried and moaned until I would look back at him. Therapy Schmerapy, I'd had it! I put that boy in time out and after figuring out I wasn't letting up until he knocked off the unhealthy behavior, Tot pulled himself together and we had a pleasant afternoon.
I did learn something about the unhealthy behavior the day after visits though... Give them some love, but nip it in the bud. I think my Grandma would agree with that line of thinking.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Potty Training... Again.
Well, I am on to potty training Tot.
I got Tyke potty trained over the earlier part of the summer. Tot has used the toilet several times since his brother started going, but he says things like, "I gotta go potty," while he stands there and goes in his pants.
The excitement of losing a box of diapers a month has worn off from Tyke's training, so I suppose I guess I am looking for a "fix."
I trained Cy (When he was 2) and Tyke in 48 hrs. By training I mean, the boys knew what they were supposed to do, I do not mean that they never had another accident. How do I do this magic??? We run.
Cy's story... He was telling me had to go, but not really making many connections even though we had "show and tell" with Daddy. One day I decided it was time. I got out the big boy underwear and I told him what I wanted him to do. I put a container of candy on the bathroom counter and every time he peed in the potty he got a little candy. The next step was to wait for a missed bathroom event. He peed in the middle of the toy room floor. I said, "OH NO! We don't pee on the floor. We say, I GOTTA GO POTTY! and we run to the potty. Come on Cy let's run!" I took his hand, "We run to the potty, we run we run!" We ran back and forth from the spot saying the same things 5 times in a row. I did it like 3 times that first day, I only did it once the 2nd day, and Cy had it all figured out.
We all knew when he had to go. He'd start running like a mad man yelling, "I GOTTA GO PODDY, I GOTTA GO PODDY!"
Tyke's training was similar, and he got the idea within 48 hours.
Notice I am omitting Liv? She was a real tough one. I was lazy. I didn't want to run back and forth. I tried all the rewards and even yes... punishment. It took us months to train her. It was terrible. I should have done the running thing.
So Tot and I did our first run this morning. I love how boys don't mind running. They just kind of smile and run along. Cy actually laughed when we ran. Still they figure it out. So that's what works for my family.
I got Tyke potty trained over the earlier part of the summer. Tot has used the toilet several times since his brother started going, but he says things like, "I gotta go potty," while he stands there and goes in his pants.
The excitement of losing a box of diapers a month has worn off from Tyke's training, so I suppose I guess I am looking for a "fix."
I trained Cy (When he was 2) and Tyke in 48 hrs. By training I mean, the boys knew what they were supposed to do, I do not mean that they never had another accident. How do I do this magic??? We run.
Cy's story... He was telling me had to go, but not really making many connections even though we had "show and tell" with Daddy. One day I decided it was time. I got out the big boy underwear and I told him what I wanted him to do. I put a container of candy on the bathroom counter and every time he peed in the potty he got a little candy. The next step was to wait for a missed bathroom event. He peed in the middle of the toy room floor. I said, "OH NO! We don't pee on the floor. We say, I GOTTA GO POTTY! and we run to the potty. Come on Cy let's run!" I took his hand, "We run to the potty, we run we run!" We ran back and forth from the spot saying the same things 5 times in a row. I did it like 3 times that first day, I only did it once the 2nd day, and Cy had it all figured out.
We all knew when he had to go. He'd start running like a mad man yelling, "I GOTTA GO PODDY, I GOTTA GO PODDY!"
Tyke's training was similar, and he got the idea within 48 hours.
Notice I am omitting Liv? She was a real tough one. I was lazy. I didn't want to run back and forth. I tried all the rewards and even yes... punishment. It took us months to train her. It was terrible. I should have done the running thing.
So Tot and I did our first run this morning. I love how boys don't mind running. They just kind of smile and run along. Cy actually laughed when we ran. Still they figure it out. So that's what works for my family.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
"I'm Monna Fwy a Pwang!"
Tyke informed me he is going to fly a plane when he is "big like Daddy."
At some point he started thinking about things he will do when he is big. I love him so much.
I am so blessed because I am the Momma that got to celebrate these milestones with Tyke...
Letting me leave the room.
Trusting me for food.
Losing his fear of bedtime.
Playing on his own without me.
Showing spontaneous kindness to his brothers.
Having a dream for his future.
I pulled him on my lap today as he was talking about being a "Pi-yot" (the first time he said it I told him that he was talking about being a pilot and the boy has an amazing memory). I just marvel at all the potential that exists in this tiny boy.
I thought about where he was headed the day before he came to me. I am amazed that this is the same boy. I know the future is uncertain, but I was feeling selfish. I whispered a prayer, "God let me help him become a pilot someday."
At some point he started thinking about things he will do when he is big. I love him so much.
I am so blessed because I am the Momma that got to celebrate these milestones with Tyke...
Letting me leave the room.
Trusting me for food.
Losing his fear of bedtime.
Playing on his own without me.
Showing spontaneous kindness to his brothers.
Having a dream for his future.
I pulled him on my lap today as he was talking about being a "Pi-yot" (the first time he said it I told him that he was talking about being a pilot and the boy has an amazing memory). I just marvel at all the potential that exists in this tiny boy.
I thought about where he was headed the day before he came to me. I am amazed that this is the same boy. I know the future is uncertain, but I was feeling selfish. I whispered a prayer, "God let me help him become a pilot someday."
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Already Today
The things that have led to tears and screams already today (No, I am not the one tearing and screaming... yet).
It is not time to get up yet.
Not having milk in the cereal bowl yet.
Not having pants on yet.
Not being able to wear a winter shirt.
Me daring to use the restroom by myself.
Not being able to go outside.
Wanting a bottle NOW.
Running into the side of a doorway.
All of this before Cy and Liv were even picked up for school. I am thinking maybe the whole crying because its not time to get up yet should be the last one I hear until I get Cy and Liv off to school. Goodness!
It is not time to get up yet.
Not having milk in the cereal bowl yet.
Not having pants on yet.
Not being able to wear a winter shirt.
Me daring to use the restroom by myself.
Not being able to go outside.
Wanting a bottle NOW.
Running into the side of a doorway.
All of this before Cy and Liv were even picked up for school. I am thinking maybe the whole crying because its not time to get up yet should be the last one I hear until I get Cy and Liv off to school. Goodness!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Sad... and Update
I feel so stupid, because I am ridiculously sad right now that my boys are off for a visit.
I hate what it does to them, and I hate how it makes me feel so insecure.
I am not good at sharing. I am a terrible foster Mom.
Talked to caseworker after the visit because Tyke complained Bio-Mom tried to sit on him at the visit and that it hurt. Tot indicated something similar occurred.
The caseworker is sure that this did not happen, but indicated she would look into it. She also let me know they had a team meeting about the allegations of abuse the Bio-Grandma made about us awhile back. I guess we came out okay since the boys are still here. I guess I am glad I didn't know?
Another gem... She let me know they did not know when they would file for termination. The conversation about filing in September has vanished from her memory I suppose. Geez.
I hate what it does to them, and I hate how it makes me feel so insecure.
I am not good at sharing. I am a terrible foster Mom.
Talked to caseworker after the visit because Tyke complained Bio-Mom tried to sit on him at the visit and that it hurt. Tot indicated something similar occurred.
The caseworker is sure that this did not happen, but indicated she would look into it. She also let me know they had a team meeting about the allegations of abuse the Bio-Grandma made about us awhile back. I guess we came out okay since the boys are still here. I guess I am glad I didn't know?
Another gem... She let me know they did not know when they would file for termination. The conversation about filing in September has vanished from her memory I suppose. Geez.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Life with my Sibling Group
I was talking to my girlfriend yesterday, the one who just brought home 3 more children from the Congo, and we agreed that taking on 3 at once has some unique challenges. We are both nurturing personalities by nature, but we are stymied as to how to do that the way we used to. Every move we make to give someone that special attention or special treat ends up as a war for attention. In a way it is a blessing for both of us to be on similar paths right now, it makes me feel normal at least in comparison with her.
Here are some examples of the unique dynamics of bringing on 3 more children....
I used to hand out a treat with a smile and a wink and a conspiratorial whisper. "Momma loves you baby. Here's a little treat." My kids loved to think they were stealing a goody with me. I can't do that anymore.
When I hand out a sucker I have to hand it out to everyone. I have to say in a bossy no-nonsense voice, "I am giving you a sucker because I love you and I want to give you a treat, but you WILL NOT throw a fit for more, you WILL say thank you, and you WILL NOT snatch someone else's treat. Do you understand?" When everyone shows me they understand I pass out suckers. If I smile too much and get too soft-toned there is ALWAYS screaming, yanking, and hitting for more. Even Baby screams now when he sees others get food, so even he is not easy in this regard. I am learning I can be a blessing, but I have to put the boundaries out FIRST.
I taught Cy and Liv on the go. When we went to the store I talked to them about store behavior and rules, and we visited together during shopping as much as we actually shopped. I did have to correct their unacceptable behavior many times, but I would stop what I was doing and correct them and move on.
Now, I think safety first. There is no way I can teach on the go with 5 kids in tow. I do the bossy no-nonsense speech as we arrive. "We are going in to the store, You boys WILL stay in the cart, and Cy and Liv you WILL stay close. You WILL NOT scream or ask for anything or you will not get a snack when we are done. I have to maintain that tone the entire time I am shopping or once again chaos begins. Toddlers are spilling out of the cart and moving in opposite directions while Cy and Liv are begging for everything they see and telling me how we don't do anything special anymore (By special they mean I haven't bought them anything just because for awhile), Baby babbles and grabs like always, and I am trying to figure out which runner to save first and if Cy is paying attention enough and trustworthy enough to stay with Baby as I chase down toddlers.
When I would sit down to read or write Cy or Liv would crawl up beside me and look at their own book or talk to me about what I was doing. I would love the spontaneous cuddle and soak up the affection. It would delay balancing the checkbook somewhat, but it was still doable.
If I sit to read or write or balance a checkbook (hahaha, like I can balance a checkbook with them awake), I use my bossy voice to say things like, "NO you may not sit here. I am busy. This is not your holding time. I will hold you soon. DO NOT throw a fit I will hold you when I am done." If I allow them to sit with me, as I did yesterday. A fight for the preferred side of my body starts (Why one side is not equal to the other I will never know). They snatch my pencils, papers, computer, etc. They swing at each other and scream and whine over top of me.
I even have to be nonchalant about Boo Boos or suddenly EVERYONE has a Boo Boo and I am not giving them enough attention to make it "all better."
So when do I love on them? A few times a day, I scoop them up for loving. I try to grab one when the others are focused on something else. I try to get in some kisses and snuggles before I am caught by the others and acting out for my attention begins. I always get in snuggles, and kisses, and prayers, with every child at bedtimes. Which, incidentally, is my favorite time of day.
This life of a no-nonsense Momma, is not what I imagined when I began this venture. I am in still in there somewhere; the spontaneous, silly, mushy Mom, but I feel like I get to be her less and less. These boys need me to have clear boundaries, and clear expectations. We can't feel our way through things together. They need me to have a plan. Maybe this will change as time passes and maybe it will not. I am learning, that love doesn't just look like mushy stuff, it doesn't necessarily look like the way I loved Cy and Liv. Love is giving my children what they need to help them function at their best. This is me I'm talking about so, I'll fit the mushy stuff in there somewhere.
Here are some examples of the unique dynamics of bringing on 3 more children....
I used to hand out a treat with a smile and a wink and a conspiratorial whisper. "Momma loves you baby. Here's a little treat." My kids loved to think they were stealing a goody with me. I can't do that anymore.
When I hand out a sucker I have to hand it out to everyone. I have to say in a bossy no-nonsense voice, "I am giving you a sucker because I love you and I want to give you a treat, but you WILL NOT throw a fit for more, you WILL say thank you, and you WILL NOT snatch someone else's treat. Do you understand?" When everyone shows me they understand I pass out suckers. If I smile too much and get too soft-toned there is ALWAYS screaming, yanking, and hitting for more. Even Baby screams now when he sees others get food, so even he is not easy in this regard. I am learning I can be a blessing, but I have to put the boundaries out FIRST.
I taught Cy and Liv on the go. When we went to the store I talked to them about store behavior and rules, and we visited together during shopping as much as we actually shopped. I did have to correct their unacceptable behavior many times, but I would stop what I was doing and correct them and move on.
Now, I think safety first. There is no way I can teach on the go with 5 kids in tow. I do the bossy no-nonsense speech as we arrive. "We are going in to the store, You boys WILL stay in the cart, and Cy and Liv you WILL stay close. You WILL NOT scream or ask for anything or you will not get a snack when we are done. I have to maintain that tone the entire time I am shopping or once again chaos begins. Toddlers are spilling out of the cart and moving in opposite directions while Cy and Liv are begging for everything they see and telling me how we don't do anything special anymore (By special they mean I haven't bought them anything just because for awhile), Baby babbles and grabs like always, and I am trying to figure out which runner to save first and if Cy is paying attention enough and trustworthy enough to stay with Baby as I chase down toddlers.
When I would sit down to read or write Cy or Liv would crawl up beside me and look at their own book or talk to me about what I was doing. I would love the spontaneous cuddle and soak up the affection. It would delay balancing the checkbook somewhat, but it was still doable.
If I sit to read or write or balance a checkbook (hahaha, like I can balance a checkbook with them awake), I use my bossy voice to say things like, "NO you may not sit here. I am busy. This is not your holding time. I will hold you soon. DO NOT throw a fit I will hold you when I am done." If I allow them to sit with me, as I did yesterday. A fight for the preferred side of my body starts (Why one side is not equal to the other I will never know). They snatch my pencils, papers, computer, etc. They swing at each other and scream and whine over top of me.
I even have to be nonchalant about Boo Boos or suddenly EVERYONE has a Boo Boo and I am not giving them enough attention to make it "all better."
So when do I love on them? A few times a day, I scoop them up for loving. I try to grab one when the others are focused on something else. I try to get in some kisses and snuggles before I am caught by the others and acting out for my attention begins. I always get in snuggles, and kisses, and prayers, with every child at bedtimes. Which, incidentally, is my favorite time of day.
This life of a no-nonsense Momma, is not what I imagined when I began this venture. I am in still in there somewhere; the spontaneous, silly, mushy Mom, but I feel like I get to be her less and less. These boys need me to have clear boundaries, and clear expectations. We can't feel our way through things together. They need me to have a plan. Maybe this will change as time passes and maybe it will not. I am learning, that love doesn't just look like mushy stuff, it doesn't necessarily look like the way I loved Cy and Liv. Love is giving my children what they need to help them function at their best. This is me I'm talking about so, I'll fit the mushy stuff in there somewhere.
Monday, August 20, 2012
LIfe Here
Life here is continuing forward. Cy and Liv started school. I was only a little emotional. There is too much to do to spend a lot of time thinking about my babies being gone all day. Last Wednesday they were at school and the boys were at a visit and it was surreal how quiet things were. I folded laundry and it felt like the quiet was pressing on my ears.
I still think of myself as a homeschool parent so this is a bit different. I have already taken the boys to the school room a couple of times to work on shapes and colors and counting. It was actually great to be able to give the little ones that time. They grin the ENTIRE time I am working with them. They love the attention and my oldest aren't getting jealous and horning in.
Speaking of jealousy... Baby is jealous now. He gets upset when he sees me holding Tyke or Tot and will crawl over and pull up, lay his head on my knee and cry. He is getting to be a handful too, and I am sad to see the easy stage passing by. He is sick and boogery today so he does have my sympathy. Poor, boogery, chubby, jealous, perfect boy.
I am getting a little tired of the two year old screaming phase with Tot. I am getting a little tired of the pick my up right now or I will sob and scream stage with Baby. I am getting a little tired of the bounce myself into everything and everyone every time I get excited stage with Tyke. I am sorry, I am whining, but I am getting a little tired.
I am actually trying to blog this post while Tot continually sticks his face in front of mine so I can't see the computer, Tyke is holding a toy blow dryer in my ear, and Baby is trying to steal the computer. It's kind of hard to blog that way. Oh wait... A fight for my right side is developing one sec please....
.....
.....
Ok, fight stopped. The inability to have time to blog even this little bit, without a fight for my attention, easily explains my failure to blog recently.
As you can see life here is pretty normal, and normal is hard. They are lucky they are cute. That's all I have to say.
I still think of myself as a homeschool parent so this is a bit different. I have already taken the boys to the school room a couple of times to work on shapes and colors and counting. It was actually great to be able to give the little ones that time. They grin the ENTIRE time I am working with them. They love the attention and my oldest aren't getting jealous and horning in.
Speaking of jealousy... Baby is jealous now. He gets upset when he sees me holding Tyke or Tot and will crawl over and pull up, lay his head on my knee and cry. He is getting to be a handful too, and I am sad to see the easy stage passing by. He is sick and boogery today so he does have my sympathy. Poor, boogery, chubby, jealous, perfect boy.
I am getting a little tired of the two year old screaming phase with Tot. I am getting a little tired of the pick my up right now or I will sob and scream stage with Baby. I am getting a little tired of the bounce myself into everything and everyone every time I get excited stage with Tyke. I am sorry, I am whining, but I am getting a little tired.
I am actually trying to blog this post while Tot continually sticks his face in front of mine so I can't see the computer, Tyke is holding a toy blow dryer in my ear, and Baby is trying to steal the computer. It's kind of hard to blog that way. Oh wait... A fight for my right side is developing one sec please....
.....
.....
Ok, fight stopped. The inability to have time to blog even this little bit, without a fight for my attention, easily explains my failure to blog recently.
As you can see life here is pretty normal, and normal is hard. They are lucky they are cute. That's all I have to say.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Adopted into Pain
My Grandma struggled for several years to conceive children. Eventually she and Grandpa decided they would adopt their family. They adopted a small sibling group; a 3 year old little girl and a 2 year old little boy. Known to me as, Mom and Uncle T.
Back then no one prepared my Grandparents that these children were not made to fulfill all their hopes and dreams. No one told them that these would be hurting children and that there would be anger. Grandma and Grandpa wanted children and my Mom and Uncle were the means to that end. They were completely unprepared for the realities of loving older non-biological children.
After adopting Mom and Uncle T my Grandparents had 4 children of their own. They were a hard working farming family, proud of their biological children. My Momma has shared many times the pain she felt upon being introduced. Her parents would say, "These are our children and these are the ones we adopted."
I don't know how soon it started, but my Mom and Uncle T's life became one of violence perpetrated by their adoptive parents. My Grandparents seemed to want them as farm hands more than as children to raise. The adopted children were separate.
My Grandparents were admired and respected in the community, but the home life was another experience altogether. My Mom would hide the bald spot created by the way her Mom would pull her hair. After marks were noticed by a Doctor my Grandma was more cautious in where she hit and yanked. My Uncle would force himself to smile during the excruciating beatings Grandpa would give him. He told my Mom when they were alone, "I will NEVER let them see me cry."
Two toddlers, pulled from a family that very much loved them and very much wanted to keep them were made prisoners in a home of pain. Each of them dealt with the loss differently. My Mom never stopped seeking their love and approval. We, her children, knew very little as youngsters, the horrors she endured. Grandpa's cheeks were rosy and his laugh was loud. Grandma seemed welcoming. It took us longer to notice the presents were different and the time spent with us was much less. It took meeting my blood Grandpa, and seeing the way his eyes lit up and he told us funny stories about Momma as a toddler, to realize that we had never seen her looked at that way before. Mom was abused in several ways over the course of her childhood but she never stopped trying to earn her adoptive parents love and I believe she made a kind of loving peace with her adoptive parents before they died.
My Uncle pulled away from his abusers, but he still kept them close enough to maintain ties with Mom and close enough to feel the reminder that he was not wanted. The pain ate at every relationship he ever had, but it could never sever the love between brother and sister.
The next abuse came during the revealing of the Will. All 4 biological children received an equal share in my Grandparents estate, and Mom and Uncle T were allotted a much smaller portion to be paid in even smaller increments over the course of 10 years. Some would say they should be grateful they got anything at all, but the pain of being forced to be separate from the others, touched them even from the grave. A few years later they were informed by a sibling it would be more comfortable for everyone if they no longer came to Christmas events.
My rant. How could they?! How could the siblings continue to perpetrate the abuse!? How can my Mom continue to be kind and TAKE IT from them. Why does she even want to be with them? Mom and Uncle T aren't drunkards, they aren't druggies, or perverted, or ugly. Mom is just a nice Christian lady who adores her family. My Momma has never shown them anything but kindness and the evil of abuse continues to hurt her even now! Yet she STILL speaks kindly about them. Rant over.
This weekend I found out my Uncle T is dying. One biological sibling is attempting to make contact and show care and concern for my Uncle, but, although my Mom pleads, he will not have it. He has my Mom and she has him and I don't think he wants anymore "faking it" for others.
I am broken for him. His whole life has in some ways been a series of letdowns and now this. I cannot speak my heart to my Mom on this because I don't want to make her pain worse. I keep thinking... He has been with her through it all. He knows all of her pain and she knows his. They are connected... I think the pain of that loss is more than she is thinking about right now.
I don't know why exactly I am writing all of this except that I know their story has shaped my own. I am a product of my Mother's pain and I want so much to write a better story for this generation.
Please, let my Mom and my Uncle's pain remind you that the wounds NEVER go away. Don't assume because you adopt older children you will love your adopted children as easily as you do your biological children or as easily as you would an adopted infant. I hate writing that part, but I must. My Mom cautioned me over and over regarding adopting. "Make sure you love them like your own, Mandy."
I am learning with this placement that, 'love them like your own' had to be a choice first and a feeling second. I am also putting as much effort into teaching Cy and Liv the language and attitudes of love for their brothers as I do myself. I cannot assume that everyone will figure it all out eventually. I will lead by word and by deed until everyone of my children refuses to focus on what makes us separate, but rather embraces what connects us.
Sometimes it is hard to love stubborn angry children, but I won't give up. Your pain, your life, will not have been in vain. I will love these older babies with gentleness and restraint for the pain they have endured and for the pain you endured.
When I look into their little faces I see you. I think of you and how much you just needed a hug and to be accepted and encouraged. I am trying. I am praying that the Lord will make me into the person they need me to be.
You do have a legacy. You made a difference in my life and that is making a difference in my childrens' lives.
Love,
Mandy
Back then no one prepared my Grandparents that these children were not made to fulfill all their hopes and dreams. No one told them that these would be hurting children and that there would be anger. Grandma and Grandpa wanted children and my Mom and Uncle were the means to that end. They were completely unprepared for the realities of loving older non-biological children.
After adopting Mom and Uncle T my Grandparents had 4 children of their own. They were a hard working farming family, proud of their biological children. My Momma has shared many times the pain she felt upon being introduced. Her parents would say, "These are our children and these are the ones we adopted."
I don't know how soon it started, but my Mom and Uncle T's life became one of violence perpetrated by their adoptive parents. My Grandparents seemed to want them as farm hands more than as children to raise. The adopted children were separate.
My Grandparents were admired and respected in the community, but the home life was another experience altogether. My Mom would hide the bald spot created by the way her Mom would pull her hair. After marks were noticed by a Doctor my Grandma was more cautious in where she hit and yanked. My Uncle would force himself to smile during the excruciating beatings Grandpa would give him. He told my Mom when they were alone, "I will NEVER let them see me cry."
Two toddlers, pulled from a family that very much loved them and very much wanted to keep them were made prisoners in a home of pain. Each of them dealt with the loss differently. My Mom never stopped seeking their love and approval. We, her children, knew very little as youngsters, the horrors she endured. Grandpa's cheeks were rosy and his laugh was loud. Grandma seemed welcoming. It took us longer to notice the presents were different and the time spent with us was much less. It took meeting my blood Grandpa, and seeing the way his eyes lit up and he told us funny stories about Momma as a toddler, to realize that we had never seen her looked at that way before. Mom was abused in several ways over the course of her childhood but she never stopped trying to earn her adoptive parents love and I believe she made a kind of loving peace with her adoptive parents before they died.
My Uncle pulled away from his abusers, but he still kept them close enough to maintain ties with Mom and close enough to feel the reminder that he was not wanted. The pain ate at every relationship he ever had, but it could never sever the love between brother and sister.
The next abuse came during the revealing of the Will. All 4 biological children received an equal share in my Grandparents estate, and Mom and Uncle T were allotted a much smaller portion to be paid in even smaller increments over the course of 10 years. Some would say they should be grateful they got anything at all, but the pain of being forced to be separate from the others, touched them even from the grave. A few years later they were informed by a sibling it would be more comfortable for everyone if they no longer came to Christmas events.
My rant. How could they?! How could the siblings continue to perpetrate the abuse!? How can my Mom continue to be kind and TAKE IT from them. Why does she even want to be with them? Mom and Uncle T aren't drunkards, they aren't druggies, or perverted, or ugly. Mom is just a nice Christian lady who adores her family. My Momma has never shown them anything but kindness and the evil of abuse continues to hurt her even now! Yet she STILL speaks kindly about them. Rant over.
This weekend I found out my Uncle T is dying. One biological sibling is attempting to make contact and show care and concern for my Uncle, but, although my Mom pleads, he will not have it. He has my Mom and she has him and I don't think he wants anymore "faking it" for others.
I am broken for him. His whole life has in some ways been a series of letdowns and now this. I cannot speak my heart to my Mom on this because I don't want to make her pain worse. I keep thinking... He has been with her through it all. He knows all of her pain and she knows his. They are connected... I think the pain of that loss is more than she is thinking about right now.
I don't know why exactly I am writing all of this except that I know their story has shaped my own. I am a product of my Mother's pain and I want so much to write a better story for this generation.
Please, let my Mom and my Uncle's pain remind you that the wounds NEVER go away. Don't assume because you adopt older children you will love your adopted children as easily as you do your biological children or as easily as you would an adopted infant. I hate writing that part, but I must. My Mom cautioned me over and over regarding adopting. "Make sure you love them like your own, Mandy."
I am learning with this placement that, 'love them like your own' had to be a choice first and a feeling second. I am also putting as much effort into teaching Cy and Liv the language and attitudes of love for their brothers as I do myself. I cannot assume that everyone will figure it all out eventually. I will lead by word and by deed until everyone of my children refuses to focus on what makes us separate, but rather embraces what connects us.
Uncle T,
if somehow you ever see this...
I can't think of you without having some memory of laughter and being rowdy. You brought the fun to my childhood.
When I look into their little faces I see you. I think of you and how much you just needed a hug and to be accepted and encouraged. I am trying. I am praying that the Lord will make me into the person they need me to be.
You do have a legacy. You made a difference in my life and that is making a difference in my childrens' lives.
Love,
Mandy
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
A Helpful Development
The boys had a visit today. I prayed and asked God if he could prevent this visit from happening. I asked him to keep her from calling to confirm. Unfortunately, they were picked up at the usual time and everything was a go. I took off grocery shopping and Ryan (who is on vacation) continued his work on our plumbing issues.
Shortly after I arrived at the store I got a call from the visit supervisor. Bio-Mom called and cancelled the visit. She said she missed her bus (an excuse she has given before) and then proceeded to get angry that the supervisor would not change all visits to Saturdays. Visit supervisor explained that Saturday time slots are saved for those who have jobs. I don't know if I blogged this or not, but it turns out Bio-Mom has not been working and had quit her job some time ago. When this came to light visits were immediately moved back to weekdays.
Today's failure to appear is very helpful to the termination case and I am thankful it happened. Even with just the trip there and home the boys were in need of major attention. When they have visits we get several hours of behavior that seems designed to provoke an angry response. They act this way toward everyone in the home, not just myself. They were upset about leaving but even more confused when they came home abruptly. The facility is 45 minutes away and it was all for nothing. The behavior is not surprising, but I was pleasantly surprised that it all seemed to be worked out of them after just 1 hour. We shall see how the rest of the day goes. I am looking forward to a day when I do not have to put the boys through this anymore.
I wish this newest evidence could cause all further visitation to cease, but if that is not possible then I pray that Bio-Mom will be a no-show every single time.
Shortly after I arrived at the store I got a call from the visit supervisor. Bio-Mom called and cancelled the visit. She said she missed her bus (an excuse she has given before) and then proceeded to get angry that the supervisor would not change all visits to Saturdays. Visit supervisor explained that Saturday time slots are saved for those who have jobs. I don't know if I blogged this or not, but it turns out Bio-Mom has not been working and had quit her job some time ago. When this came to light visits were immediately moved back to weekdays.
Today's failure to appear is very helpful to the termination case and I am thankful it happened. Even with just the trip there and home the boys were in need of major attention. When they have visits we get several hours of behavior that seems designed to provoke an angry response. They act this way toward everyone in the home, not just myself. They were upset about leaving but even more confused when they came home abruptly. The facility is 45 minutes away and it was all for nothing. The behavior is not surprising, but I was pleasantly surprised that it all seemed to be worked out of them after just 1 hour. We shall see how the rest of the day goes. I am looking forward to a day when I do not have to put the boys through this anymore.
I wish this newest evidence could cause all further visitation to cease, but if that is not possible then I pray that Bio-Mom will be a no-show every single time.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Evidence!!!
I am so hopeful. I am so excited for the boys to be protected and for this whole thing to be over!!!
The advocate called me today and let me know that a huge piece of evidence has come to light confirming that the boys were grossly abused by multiple family members. He won't tell me what the evidence is because he is not at liberty to discuss it, but he told me that it ensures they will be filing for termination in September. He thinks this latest evidence will make it much more likely the judge will grant termination for these boys.
The advocate alluded to the fact that the newest evidence shows that my 3 year old has been telling the truth about what happened to he and his brother. He told me the evidence shows the boys need to be in the counseling they are in. He told me the evidence shows that the family members that Tyke has made allegations about are incriminated in this evidence. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! and I can believe it, because that is my God.
I am praying (please, please, pray with me) that B. M. will know that the lying is over. I am praying she will sign away her rights.
In other big news... After a lot of thought my husband has agreed that if termination does happen these boys are already HOME. We love them. We know all the worst there is to know and we know we can do it because... we are doing it and... we love them.
God seems to be bringing each piece of this plan together.
I asked, if this new evidence may be enough to stop the boys from being forced to endure any additional visits, and the advocate was not sure. He thought it may be enough, but that they may not make any changes prior to September. He is not DC$ so he cannot control these things.
I would ask you to pray that visits can finally be ended, and that this would end in September because either B. M. will give the children up easily, or that the judge will take away her rights. Thank you for your prayers.
The advocate called me today and let me know that a huge piece of evidence has come to light confirming that the boys were grossly abused by multiple family members. He won't tell me what the evidence is because he is not at liberty to discuss it, but he told me that it ensures they will be filing for termination in September. He thinks this latest evidence will make it much more likely the judge will grant termination for these boys.
The advocate alluded to the fact that the newest evidence shows that my 3 year old has been telling the truth about what happened to he and his brother. He told me the evidence shows the boys need to be in the counseling they are in. He told me the evidence shows that the family members that Tyke has made allegations about are incriminated in this evidence. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! and I can believe it, because that is my God.
I am praying (please, please, pray with me) that B. M. will know that the lying is over. I am praying she will sign away her rights.
In other big news... After a lot of thought my husband has agreed that if termination does happen these boys are already HOME. We love them. We know all the worst there is to know and we know we can do it because... we are doing it and... we love them.
God seems to be bringing each piece of this plan together.
I asked, if this new evidence may be enough to stop the boys from being forced to endure any additional visits, and the advocate was not sure. He thought it may be enough, but that they may not make any changes prior to September. He is not DC$ so he cannot control these things.
I would ask you to pray that visits can finally be ended, and that this would end in September because either B. M. will give the children up easily, or that the judge will take away her rights. Thank you for your prayers.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Accept and Redirect
This may surprise you, but I am not offended when people say things like, "Bless you! I could never do what you do!," or "Those kids are so lucky to have you," or "There is a special place in heaven for you for what you do." Misguided statements are often people's way of trying to pay me a compliment and I appreciate the gesture. All of these comments are just a chance for me to share who Jesus is in my life. My mother taught me it is rude not to accept a compliment gracefully, so I accept and redirect.
To the first comment I often say, "Thanks, but I can't do what we do either. It's God doing this, not us." I want to encourage people to step out of their comfort zone, but I am always ready to accept a Blessing from someone's mouth. Hey! This work can be hard, and I will take all the blessings I can get.
I know there are a lot of abandoned children out there. Children who have aged out of the system and who are angry that no one took them in. No one took them in because it was going to be hard. Most people don't choose hard. A lot of us can walk through hard if we have to, but we don't deliberately choose it for ourselves. I want to take every chance I can to tell people, I CAN'T DO THIS, and yet somehow I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Somehow, I am doing this thing I CAN'T do, but without my Father in Heaven I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. I am not going to convince someone who makes that kind of comment that they are capable, but maybe, just maybe I can play a role in convincing them that God is able.
When people tell me the kids are lucky, I don't yet say, "We are the lucky ones." I know that is what I am supposed to say, but I still live in fear of the loss, so I don't feel "in luck" yet, just in love. I also think about all the kids out there who are still being beaten, and still being starved, and still without love and homes, and I think, Yes, they are lucky, for now anyway. They are not lucky to have us per Se, because we are so imperfect as parents, but they are lucky to be safe and loved right now, just as Cy and Liv are lucky for the same reasons. I am still feeling this one out, but I usually answer, "Thanks, but I don't think they would agree with you on that!"
I want all of my children to begin to understand at a very young age that they are lucky or more accurately blessed. Everyone has something they can whine about. There is some struggle and pain that can incapacitate them to be useful for anything good, if they allow it. I do not say this as a heartless creature, I have experienced my own share of childhood pain. Some have experienced much more and others, much less. If you haven't experienced potentially psyche damaging pain yet, you will. I want all of my children to go beyond that place of self-pity. For myself, the fastest way I have found out of self-pity, is serving others. I want all of my children to serve others someday. My goals for my children are not straight A's, higher education, and fabulous careers. I want them to serve, whether they are in pain or joy, wealth or poverty, I want them to serve others.
When I have gotten the heaven comment I answered, "Oh thanks, but I am going to Heaven because I accepted Jesus, I can't earn my way there." I do not ever want people confusing the fact that doing good work does not earn you a spot, but true faith in Christ naturally produces good works.
I still believe I am squeaking my way into Heaven on Grace alone. I accepted Christ. I am in, but I sin every single day, and I don't deserve Heaven. Someone who deserved Heaven would not get mad at her kids. Someone who deserved Heaven, would not be selfish about her time. Someone who deserved Heaven would live in a shack and give all her wealth to the poor. I am squeaking into heaven and parenting, is more of a liability than a commendation, because parenting shows off all of our flaws.
If God were ever to allow me to adopt these boys, or any children my plan is not to shut everyone down who says something. I will be shutting people down constantly! I don't want to slam the doors of conversation in peoples' faces. In college my personality profile called me a "Champion," because I am all about championing an idea. If you are a champion, then that takes discussion.
I want to champion people to take on something hard, because of who God is, not who they are. I want to champion people to realize how blessed they are and to get up and find a way to serve. I want to champion people to embrace Christ, not good works. I cannot do that if I am unwilling to accept the compliment in the first place. For now, this is my plan for the glory of God the Father, accept and redirect.
To the first comment I often say, "Thanks, but I can't do what we do either. It's God doing this, not us." I want to encourage people to step out of their comfort zone, but I am always ready to accept a Blessing from someone's mouth. Hey! This work can be hard, and I will take all the blessings I can get.
I know there are a lot of abandoned children out there. Children who have aged out of the system and who are angry that no one took them in. No one took them in because it was going to be hard. Most people don't choose hard. A lot of us can walk through hard if we have to, but we don't deliberately choose it for ourselves. I want to take every chance I can to tell people, I CAN'T DO THIS, and yet somehow I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Somehow, I am doing this thing I CAN'T do, but without my Father in Heaven I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. I am not going to convince someone who makes that kind of comment that they are capable, but maybe, just maybe I can play a role in convincing them that God is able.
When people tell me the kids are lucky, I don't yet say, "We are the lucky ones." I know that is what I am supposed to say, but I still live in fear of the loss, so I don't feel "in luck" yet, just in love. I also think about all the kids out there who are still being beaten, and still being starved, and still without love and homes, and I think, Yes, they are lucky, for now anyway. They are not lucky to have us per Se, because we are so imperfect as parents, but they are lucky to be safe and loved right now, just as Cy and Liv are lucky for the same reasons. I am still feeling this one out, but I usually answer, "Thanks, but I don't think they would agree with you on that!"
I want all of my children to begin to understand at a very young age that they are lucky or more accurately blessed. Everyone has something they can whine about. There is some struggle and pain that can incapacitate them to be useful for anything good, if they allow it. I do not say this as a heartless creature, I have experienced my own share of childhood pain. Some have experienced much more and others, much less. If you haven't experienced potentially psyche damaging pain yet, you will. I want all of my children to go beyond that place of self-pity. For myself, the fastest way I have found out of self-pity, is serving others. I want all of my children to serve others someday. My goals for my children are not straight A's, higher education, and fabulous careers. I want them to serve, whether they are in pain or joy, wealth or poverty, I want them to serve others.
When I have gotten the heaven comment I answered, "Oh thanks, but I am going to Heaven because I accepted Jesus, I can't earn my way there." I do not ever want people confusing the fact that doing good work does not earn you a spot, but true faith in Christ naturally produces good works.
I still believe I am squeaking my way into Heaven on Grace alone. I accepted Christ. I am in, but I sin every single day, and I don't deserve Heaven. Someone who deserved Heaven would not get mad at her kids. Someone who deserved Heaven, would not be selfish about her time. Someone who deserved Heaven would live in a shack and give all her wealth to the poor. I am squeaking into heaven and parenting, is more of a liability than a commendation, because parenting shows off all of our flaws.
If God were ever to allow me to adopt these boys, or any children my plan is not to shut everyone down who says something. I will be shutting people down constantly! I don't want to slam the doors of conversation in peoples' faces. In college my personality profile called me a "Champion," because I am all about championing an idea. If you are a champion, then that takes discussion.
I want to champion people to take on something hard, because of who God is, not who they are. I want to champion people to realize how blessed they are and to get up and find a way to serve. I want to champion people to embrace Christ, not good works. I cannot do that if I am unwilling to accept the compliment in the first place. For now, this is my plan for the glory of God the Father, accept and redirect.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Upcoming Termination?
The caseworker came to visit on Friday afternoon. She talked with the boys and spent some time visiting with all of us. She talked a lot about the case, telling me things I am not supposed to know and then reminding me, "You don't know this." I am just fine with that. I am happy to have a sense of what is going on. Then the big news, they can actually file for termination in September, not October.
I would love for that to happen!!! I really want to know that no matter what happens these boys aren't ever going back to the abuse they came from.
Caseworker also told me that the first investigator that pulled the boys out said, "These boys aren't ever going home." That is so strange to hear because this same woman did absolutely nothing to ensure that. Oh well.
Toward the end of the visit Caseworker told me that even though they are going to file she expects B.M. to ask for a trial, because B.M. will fight even though she won't actually work her plan. That seems strange to me. B.M. has done very little to get the boys back. She makes it to visits to avoid jail, but if she has to do a visit in the morning, and another thing in the afternoon, she always misses the 2nd thing, and blames the visit. She has been claiming she is employed and unable to come to things and then she forgets herself and tells the team she quit her job. It seems to me that if she does not like working at something other than passingly, maybe she will not ask for a trial? That's what I am going to pray for anyway.
The caseworker also mentioned that the first investigator said the boys needed to be in a pre-adoptive home. I didn't say much. I think Caseworker is assuming we are pre-adoptive, and we are in a way, but I don't know where my husband stands as of right now. I don't think he knows where he stands. He believes NOTHING that gets said, and so has been unwilling to discuss adoption very much because until someone says, "We are filing for termination", and then doesn't add "Shhh don't tell I told you that," for him there is very little to discuss.
Okay woman to woman? Not discussing something this big is SOOOO hard for me. I want him to pester him, badger him, bludgeon him, but I can't! I have to give him this space and time to process this in his own way and I kinda hate it.
I have been watching him bond with the boys. I have been watching him be their "Daddy" in a way I haven't seen and I want to draw all kinds of conclusions, but I can't. DANG IT! I want to say, "I saw how you were holding and loving on Tyke today, are you starting to feel like you could be his forever Daddy?" However, my mister is not that kind of guy. He is strong, and funny, and wise, and private. Even with me he shares... slowly. If I push a topic that deep, he will avoid it, just because its a high-pressure topic.
Well, WOE IS ME!... at least he's cute! God has this thing all figured out and he's got that husband of mine all figured out too, so I guess I am just waiting on Him/them.
Update: My friend made it back to the United States today with her 3 Congolese former orphans beside her. God is good!
I would love for that to happen!!! I really want to know that no matter what happens these boys aren't ever going back to the abuse they came from.
Caseworker also told me that the first investigator that pulled the boys out said, "These boys aren't ever going home." That is so strange to hear because this same woman did absolutely nothing to ensure that. Oh well.
Toward the end of the visit Caseworker told me that even though they are going to file she expects B.M. to ask for a trial, because B.M. will fight even though she won't actually work her plan. That seems strange to me. B.M. has done very little to get the boys back. She makes it to visits to avoid jail, but if she has to do a visit in the morning, and another thing in the afternoon, she always misses the 2nd thing, and blames the visit. She has been claiming she is employed and unable to come to things and then she forgets herself and tells the team she quit her job. It seems to me that if she does not like working at something other than passingly, maybe she will not ask for a trial? That's what I am going to pray for anyway.
The caseworker also mentioned that the first investigator said the boys needed to be in a pre-adoptive home. I didn't say much. I think Caseworker is assuming we are pre-adoptive, and we are in a way, but I don't know where my husband stands as of right now. I don't think he knows where he stands. He believes NOTHING that gets said, and so has been unwilling to discuss adoption very much because until someone says, "We are filing for termination", and then doesn't add "Shhh don't tell I told you that," for him there is very little to discuss.
Okay woman to woman? Not discussing something this big is SOOOO hard for me. I want him to pester him, badger him, bludgeon him, but I can't! I have to give him this space and time to process this in his own way and I kinda hate it.
I have been watching him bond with the boys. I have been watching him be their "Daddy" in a way I haven't seen and I want to draw all kinds of conclusions, but I can't. DANG IT! I want to say, "I saw how you were holding and loving on Tyke today, are you starting to feel like you could be his forever Daddy?" However, my mister is not that kind of guy. He is strong, and funny, and wise, and private. Even with me he shares... slowly. If I push a topic that deep, he will avoid it, just because its a high-pressure topic.
Well, WOE IS ME!... at least he's cute! God has this thing all figured out and he's got that husband of mine all figured out too, so I guess I am just waiting on Him/them.
Update: My friend made it back to the United States today with her 3 Congolese former orphans beside her. God is good!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Fake Tantrum
I put the Bee-bops (my name for my little guys) to bed. All went well until Tot decided that he was going to push things. He got up screaming, stomping, pounding. I went upstairs and calmed him down and helped him resettle into bed. All seemed well. I was able to leave. Three minutes later he started in again. I heard actual giggles between the screaming and pounding and stomping. He was doing his own little fake tantrum to get me back up there. He does this sometimes.
I walked up the stairs again. I stopped outside his room and prayed, "Oh help me Lord. I want to honor you. I just want to honor you." It's in these moments where I am just not sure what to do. I felt that discipline was needed. He was obviously playing around and not experiencing any fear, but how do I discipline that? If I ignore it, then Tyke does not get to sleep. If I react in anger I will put fear in him. If I put him in time-out I am isolating him.
All of the methods failed me at this moment. With a sudden inspiration, I gave him an option, "You can sleep in my room if you are going to be loud (he is scared to sleep without Tyke), or you may sleep in your room if you are quiet."
"My woom," he said. He went to bed quietly and I haven't heard a thing since.
Thank you Jesus for an answer I couldn't even begin to see when I first reached to top of the stairs.
I walked up the stairs again. I stopped outside his room and prayed, "Oh help me Lord. I want to honor you. I just want to honor you." It's in these moments where I am just not sure what to do. I felt that discipline was needed. He was obviously playing around and not experiencing any fear, but how do I discipline that? If I ignore it, then Tyke does not get to sleep. If I react in anger I will put fear in him. If I put him in time-out I am isolating him.
All of the methods failed me at this moment. With a sudden inspiration, I gave him an option, "You can sleep in my room if you are going to be loud (he is scared to sleep without Tyke), or you may sleep in your room if you are quiet."
"My woom," he said. He went to bed quietly and I haven't heard a thing since.
Thank you Jesus for an answer I couldn't even begin to see when I first reached to top of the stairs.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Get Going!
One thing I am learning about parenting this tribe is I have to be okay that one way or another I am going to have to keep moving nearly constantly if I am going to do what needs doing.
Today, I got up an hour earlier and so did all 3 little boys (the boys waking early was NOT part of the plan). With that, my crazy busy day had begun. It took me 3 hours to fold a load of laundry, clean up the kitchen, and actually finish my breakfast. I was doing something for someone constantly. I never did get the dishwasher emptied, but it sat open for a ridiculously long amount of time before I just gave up on getting to it and shut door on the annoyance.
When my helper arrived I made a list of things I needed to get done out of the house and I took off! I stayed gone for 4 hours (I went slow on purpose!). The great news is, I actually checked whole items off of my
Later, I had some time to cheer my baby brother on for his accomplishments with his workout program. Wow, I do admire him. It takes a serious time dedication to get in shape the way he has. I didn't even get a chance to put a bra on before the Developmental therapist arrived today. I want to workout! No, seriously that sounds like an amazing treat. I want to sweat like crazy and have ME be the most important thing I am focusing on for an hour. This is the first time in my life that actually sounds good to me. It could be a "grass is always greener thing," I don't think I seriously would love it, but... maybe?
Still why am I not in shape? I have been moving constantly today and tomorrow morning I will do the same thing. I force my eyes open and say "Get Going Mandy" (Yes, I talk that way to myself. I get it from my mother. She is odd too.), and I will have another busy day. Maybe I will get a workout in tomorrow?
This is the season of my life I am in. This is just a season. It is a season. A season. I can do this for a season.
Guilt
In this role of foster parent I am always second guessing myself.
I am always wondering if knowing I could be doing better.
I lay myself out before God and I ask him to change me. I ask him to make me like Jesus.
I keep making new discoveries about me. I am plagued by issues that I have kept buried. There were "little sins" inside of me that I have let lie. They weren't important in the scheme of my busy life.
Every little sin wears away on my struggling family. I keep having to hold myself up to the Lord again and ask him to change me. I get so discouraged by the things that don't change about me.
Honesty? I am tired of asking to be changed. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired of wondering what will happen. I am just tired.
I pray all of this changes me into something more like Christ. I won't be a foster parent ever again. I have never learned to move quickly past the grief of my own failures. I am too much of a perfectionist, although you would not know it to look at my life right now.
Update on my friend in the Congo: She is still stuck there. Someone told her they had to have her passport for paperwork. She gave it to them, and now we are all worried sick because you are NEVER to give up your passport. The person that took it for documentation claims it is needed for final paperwork to be completed by the Congolese government, but he also says today is a holiday, so she will need to wait another day for approval. I am scared sick for her. She sends me messages and I have never seen her so desperate. Please keep praying for her?
I am always
I lay myself out before God and I ask him to change me. I ask him to make me like Jesus.
I keep making new discoveries about me. I am plagued by issues that I have kept buried. There were "little sins" inside of me that I have let lie. They weren't important in the scheme of my busy life.
Every little sin wears away on my struggling family. I keep having to hold myself up to the Lord again and ask him to change me. I get so discouraged by the things that don't change about me.
Honesty? I am tired of asking to be changed. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired of wondering what will happen. I am just tired.
I pray all of this changes me into something more like Christ. I won't be a foster parent ever again. I have never learned to move quickly past the grief of my own failures. I am too much of a perfectionist, although you would not know it to look at my life right now.
Update on my friend in the Congo: She is still stuck there. Someone told her they had to have her passport for paperwork. She gave it to them, and now we are all worried sick because you are NEVER to give up your passport. The person that took it for documentation claims it is needed for final paperwork to be completed by the Congolese government, but he also says today is a holiday, so she will need to wait another day for approval. I am scared sick for her. She sends me messages and I have never seen her so desperate. Please keep praying for her?
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