Miss Lonely is One of Many

I have a perfect 6 year old on my lap.  She came up to me just as I sat down to blog, "Mom, I'm kinda lonely."  I am not sure how she can be lonely in this busy house, but I think she just misses me.  So I am trying to type with this girl in my way!

Relief!  She's gone off to play.  I know my baby misses one-on-one time.  She gets some everyday, but she doesn't get near as much as she used to get. 

That is a perfect segway to what I was going to write about anyway.  So many people need me.  I am really tired and possibly looking at burnout.

Here's my fear.  Maybe I can't do this.  I love these boys so much.  I want to be the place they need to be, but lately there just doesn't seem to be enough of me.  I am so tired and I am constantly reacting instead of being proactive.

If they are all awake someone is always screaming or crying because crazy seems to have moved in and taken up residence.  The sad thing is I know what to do, I am just so tired of having to do it for someone all the time.  I can wake up and feel energized and ready and be depleted in one short hour because the needs pile up and cascade over one another.  I can't move fast enough or think fast enough.  They are screaming at me and too quickly I am yelling at them.

I constantly worry I am screwing them up because I am not therapeutic enough.  The fear eats me up sometimes.  Little one's need held and talked to and enriched and encouraged and trained and spoken sweetly to, not yelled at.  I think about sending the boys away to somewhere "better" and I can't breathe.  It hurts so much inside. 

I see posts about how different placements seem to be "perfect" for a particular family and I wonder if this placement isn't a mistake.  It doesn't feel perfect.  I can acknowledge that all by himself Baby would be perfect for our family with his jolly personality and his easy ability to hold the spotlight.  All by himself Tot would be perfect for our family.  He lays beside Mommy or Daddy on the floor and rests his chin in his hands and has deep and meaningful discussions of the fish in the pond, the party in his tummy, and his favorite monkey, George.  All by himself Tyke would be perfect for our family.  His desire to copy "Daddy" and make me proud and to do everything Cy does warms my heart.  They are all so perfect I want to cry just thinking about it.

Sadly I am left here feeling like the life raft in the middle of everyone's emotions and many times everyone is grabbing for me at once and I am going under.  My breathing gets faster.  My pulse speeds.  I am going under and I am desperate to save me!  I don't want to be told to get rid of them.  I want someone to tell me how to be a better life raft.

This is a mess, but I have to publish or never finish.