I made the right contacts to look in to reopening our home. We could reopen our home because our license has not been closed for too long. I talked to 3 different people and was told we would be contacted about relicensing. I did all of this 2 weeks ago.
No contact from anyone.
So... I am not going to worry about it. The whole thing is too big for me. If God wants it to work out he will change the situation to work.
I saw a new picture of baby girl. Her hair was adorable, her outfit a perfect little white tutu, the rooms around her were clean and picked up. The pics of Mom show similar self care. As of right now even I would not pull her away based on what can be seen.
I will continue to pray, but I can't guess what is best. Only God knows.
Update on my babies? Cy is 11 and after recovering from a compound fracture of his arm he is back in gymnastics. He is chronically absent-minded' but super intelligent, and striving to honor God and his family. He and Obie are pretty tight.
Olivia is doing well, but continues to need to be pulled out of the boy craziness from time to time and have Mommy - Daughter time. I thank God my sister and her 3 girls are close. Jazz and Olivia are 3 months apart in age so they are best frenemies!
Obie's biggest issues right now are his struggles to do EVERYTHING Cy and Liv do. He is helpful and good natured and talented. He can get anxiety, but we can usually talk him through it. He successfully handled his first big kids weekend with Cy and Liv at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Everyone said he was awesome.
Malachi is growing up a lot. He helps do the chores and is beginning to think of others to some extent. His love for animals has helped with this. It has taught him compassion. He still struggles the most with resiliency and anxiety. Example: he just hit Zee in the face 3 times because as he said, "he was standing to close and it was scaring me." We will be talking with his doctor about this kind of thing soon. Everywhere we go and everything we do we have to plan, prepare, and make accomodations, for Chi. We have gotten used to it, but I wonder if something more can be done.
Zee has spent these past few months adapting to our expectations to be a big boy and use his words, and obey. He his a charmer as nearly all babies of the family are. He likes to sing and dance, and loves anything to do with tractors. He likes to push his siblings buttons and tries to take advantage of his baby status to get his way.
All in all I have a pretty terrific bunch and we are making our way through life feeling blessed beyond measure.
Showing posts with label bonding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bonding. Show all posts
Monday, June 29, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
His Subconscious Remembers
Sometimes my Obie has confusing dreams. As he describes them to me I realize he is having flashback dreams. His conscious mind seems to have forgotten the worst things, but they linger in his dreams. These disturbing flashes of his old life create what he describes as a kind of macabre portrait amidst dreams of battle scenes as if he is caught in an action movie/nightmare.
I am so glad he talks to me and doesn't suffer these things quietly. When confusion reigns I retell his story because the nightly terrors are stopped when he can verbalize why they are there in the first place. Something in my core knows I cannot keep secrets from him about himself. His own subconscious would betray the lie and he would be distrustful of what he and I share.
As I retold parts of it his eyes flashed in shock at my omnipotence. How did I know even what he wasn't saying?! He is so precious to me and as much as I hate that we can't just leave the past behind, this retelling and reaffirming has only brought us closer.
Again we ended our talk by praying for his first Mom. This was my precious son's idea. We talked for awhile. He said he still loved her and I said that's a good thing.
There is no script for these conversations that I cannot fail to have, but I am so scared of failing. I hope ultimately my words will convey that I am okay with the blurred lines and conflicted loyalties and bad dreams. I hope over a lifetime of conversations we will get it right together.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Dust in the Sunlight
One thing I see so clearly now is how everything... From the best of moments to the worst of them, it is all temporary. I look back at the times of anguish and agony as I waited for the final call on our boys and what their fates and ours would be. I remember every begging tear and every long-suffering sigh as I deferred my hope and my heart was sick with it.
Oh how I longed to let go at times. In my own way I begged, "Take this cup from me." I usually failed to subdue my will to the greater good. Everything was magnified in the painful hours of being awake. I dreaded, I hated, I pled, I scrambled for footing, I walked in chains. I wanted to be changed, but I did not want the changing process. I wanted to be victorious, but I did not want the fight for victory.
I look back to the behaviors, that I knew I could not bear another day. Yet, each morning came and each day I faced the same impossibility and I am here looking back at a time that seems almost surreal in my mind's eye. Did that really happen?
The same can be said for the beautiful moments. I could not hang on. All that remains are mere threads of once rich and full experiences. Sweet smiles, and tender moments, little victories, and moments that captured family and joy and love. They are all behind me. I cannot hold Cy's eyes as he stares up at me in newborn peace, I cannot smooth Olivia's round cheeks and springy curls. Obie doesn't curl in my arms to be calmed before his naps, Chi doesn't stop just to stare into my eyes and pat my face softly, Zee no longer coos and grins. That is all memory. Every moment moved away as swiftly as it came.
As my family grows we face new challenges, but I am different in the twists and turns. I realize today's challenge is for today. I parent to rebuild, restore and reconnect today. I try to remember not to worry about what 10 years from now looks like. I had no idea what today would look like 2 years ago. I keep perspective, I fight to keep it and I am not swallowed up. Today's joys also belong to today. Joy in recall is never as sweet as joy experienced fully in the moment. I can't bring back the moments, but I can live in any gifts God brings for today.
As a Mom I am trying to capture a single moment to release it again to the God who ordained all of this. It is like dust in the shafts of light beaming through the front window. I cannot hang on, but I can pause in a moment and be held by the light too.
Oh how I longed to let go at times. In my own way I begged, "Take this cup from me." I usually failed to subdue my will to the greater good. Everything was magnified in the painful hours of being awake. I dreaded, I hated, I pled, I scrambled for footing, I walked in chains. I wanted to be changed, but I did not want the changing process. I wanted to be victorious, but I did not want the fight for victory.
I look back to the behaviors, that I knew I could not bear another day. Yet, each morning came and each day I faced the same impossibility and I am here looking back at a time that seems almost surreal in my mind's eye. Did that really happen?
The same can be said for the beautiful moments. I could not hang on. All that remains are mere threads of once rich and full experiences. Sweet smiles, and tender moments, little victories, and moments that captured family and joy and love. They are all behind me. I cannot hold Cy's eyes as he stares up at me in newborn peace, I cannot smooth Olivia's round cheeks and springy curls. Obie doesn't curl in my arms to be calmed before his naps, Chi doesn't stop just to stare into my eyes and pat my face softly, Zee no longer coos and grins. That is all memory. Every moment moved away as swiftly as it came.
As my family grows we face new challenges, but I am different in the twists and turns. I realize today's challenge is for today. I parent to rebuild, restore and reconnect today. I try to remember not to worry about what 10 years from now looks like. I had no idea what today would look like 2 years ago. I keep perspective, I fight to keep it and I am not swallowed up. Today's joys also belong to today. Joy in recall is never as sweet as joy experienced fully in the moment. I can't bring back the moments, but I can live in any gifts God brings for today.
As a Mom I am trying to capture a single moment to release it again to the God who ordained all of this. It is like dust in the shafts of light beaming through the front window. I cannot hang on, but I can pause in a moment and be held by the light too.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Foster Adoption and My Extended Family
If you have read my blog for any length of time, then you are probably familiar with how I have adjusted to our specific foster to adopt experience. There was my Anticipation phase as we waited to be foster parents. There was Disillusionment as I realized what a difficult transition it was going to be for all of us. There was the Adapting phase as we learned how to be together combined with the start the Insecurity phase as I wondered if we would be separated from one another. Somewhere in the Insecurity period also came Unconsious Love, in spurts at first and then steady and sure as time progressed. As we head to our adoption date we seem to be entering a what appears to be the final stage of Belonging. They feel they belong with me and that they belong to me, I feel the same way. We are a family and we believe that will not be undone. Like a beautiful sunset we are leaving the fostering period behind and heading toward a beautiful new day as a family.
However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit. It affects the entire family. Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.
I will begin with my Mom. As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old. During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary. Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy. She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this." Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across. I just wanted her to be excited for us.
Ryan's parents were concerned. They would not talk about it a lot. They believed 2 kids was plenty. They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes. It seemed to fall on deaf ears. One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them." They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race. We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them. They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves. I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing. Ryan and I knew we were going forward. The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity. Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were? Yes. We were willing.
My brothers and sisters were excited for me. They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me. If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.
Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again. That is his personality. I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea. My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.
Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee. Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone. His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.
During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well. My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening. Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on. She prayed with me for them by phone. She prayed over them when she came to see them. She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.
My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me. One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore. I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself. Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew. Everyone was worried about 5 year old Livvy. What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely? Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little." My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me. My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.
For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time. We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions. We did not know if we could or even should keep going. We struggled with wanting to quit every single day. We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members. When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house.
During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot. She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable. She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried. My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize. During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood. She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available. I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.
During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process. A lot of their advice I ignored. The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity, but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys. I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself. They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start. I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids. I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well. My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed. That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.
As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family. The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them. I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys. I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short.
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do. The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake. His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well. An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan. He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us. We would not have the boys hurt by rejection. We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically. When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt. I reminded Ryan to be patient with them. It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations. They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls. When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys. They were trying.
With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time. It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly. My Mom walked through this with me. She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted. The fear of loss, she experienced as well. We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did. We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle. Who would I be if they stayed? Who would I be if I lost them? She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears. She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.
The insecurity affected my siblings differently. My sisters had my heart. Protect the boys, protect the boys. protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well. We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.
My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles. They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!" They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights. At that point there was something to gain and something to lose. They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.
Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase. I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back. They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet. It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet. The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.
Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it. Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys. 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."
What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different. It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life. It is something you can feel, not just something you do. 1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced. Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.
The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine. It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first. It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic. The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect. I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower. Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys. It made sense to me. We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members. How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?
At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.
The final stage I call the Belonging Stage. This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...
We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture. My boys are not spinning and crazy. They are chatting up the Grandparents.
Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him. They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.
My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids. He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.
My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.
Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him. He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.
My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family. They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken. My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.
My brother pulls me aside. Tears in his eyes. "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?" Yeah. I know. "I feel like their ours now, You know?" Yeah. I know.
However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit. It affects the entire family. Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.
I will begin with my Mom. As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old. During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary. Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy. She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this." Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across. I just wanted her to be excited for us.
Ryan's parents were concerned. They would not talk about it a lot. They believed 2 kids was plenty. They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes. It seemed to fall on deaf ears. One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them." They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race. We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them. They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves. I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing. Ryan and I knew we were going forward. The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity. Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were? Yes. We were willing.
My brothers and sisters were excited for me. They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me. If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.
Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again. That is his personality. I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea. My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.
Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee. Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone. His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.
During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well. My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening. Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on. She prayed with me for them by phone. She prayed over them when she came to see them. She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.
My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me. One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore. I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself. Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew. Everyone was worried about 5 year old Livvy. What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely? Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little." My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me. My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.
For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time. We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions. We did not know if we could or even should keep going. We struggled with wanting to quit every single day. We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members. When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house.
During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot. She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable. She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried. My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize. During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood. She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available. I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.
During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process. A lot of their advice I ignored. The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity, but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys. I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself. They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start. I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids. I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well. My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed. That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.
As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family. The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them. I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys. I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short.
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do. The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake. His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well. An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan. He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us. We would not have the boys hurt by rejection. We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically. When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt. I reminded Ryan to be patient with them. It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations. They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls. When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys. They were trying.
With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time. It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly. My Mom walked through this with me. She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted. The fear of loss, she experienced as well. We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did. We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle. Who would I be if they stayed? Who would I be if I lost them? She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears. She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.
The insecurity affected my siblings differently. My sisters had my heart. Protect the boys, protect the boys. protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well. We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.
My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles. They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!" They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights. At that point there was something to gain and something to lose. They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.
Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase. I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back. They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet. It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet. The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.
Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it. Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys. 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."
What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different. It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life. It is something you can feel, not just something you do. 1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced. Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.
The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine. It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first. It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic. The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect. I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower. Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys. It made sense to me. We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members. How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?
At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.
The final stage I call the Belonging Stage. This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...
We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture. My boys are not spinning and crazy. They are chatting up the Grandparents.
Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him. They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.
My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids. He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.
My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.
Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him. He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.
My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family. They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken. My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.
My brother pulls me aside. Tears in his eyes. "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?" Yeah. I know. "I feel like their ours now, You know?" Yeah. I know.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Preparing to Move
We had will be moving over the next two weeks. The kids are really doing well with it. I am so glad because that was a concern.
I decided that the very last room I should pack would be the boys room. I think the longer I can leave their room exactly the same better they will handle all of this transition. So I have a list and I do a little bit of packing everyday and it has been good to keep me from getting overwhelmed.
Ryan is gone right now so that has been hard for u,s actually not too hard because I really feel like the Lord has been with us and has comforted us and has been keeping this house peaceful. I thank God that the days are starting to be warmer again and the kids are able to play and do something besides running like crazy people in the house.
Unfortunately, I hurt my wrist yanking on boxes so I haven't been getting as much packing done as I would like.
We still have 2 weeks before the big move, but it makes me feel better knowing I am not waiting until the last minute. It is better with my children if I don't wait around to get things done because I can't assume on any given day where they will be emotionally. I am making the most out of the good days.
Obie started to express concern over moving. We have talked about it, but he said he would stay here in our big bed and that he would not be scared. He said if bio mom tried to get him or bad guys he would beat them up. He is still afraid of stuff like that, but he talks big. I told him we are family, and always stick together. I told him we all have to go. I didn't really comfort him much I think.
Later, at dinner I casually told Ryan that Obie wasn't sure he wanted to move. Ryan looked at Obie, and told him the truth. "Obie we are moving for you. We want you to be safe. "
"NO!" I was thinking. I was sure this was the wrong tactic. "Don't put this on him!" I thought.
My husband continued, "Obie, its my job to keep you safe. I need you to come with us so I can keep you safe, okay?"
"Okay Dad."
That was it. Obie has not expressed or shown underlying fear since then. He is coming along so Daddy can do his job protecting him. When Ryan said that it was his job to protect I saw a burden lift off Obie. I am glad my husband knew to be honest in a tricky situation.
I decided that the very last room I should pack would be the boys room. I think the longer I can leave their room exactly the same better they will handle all of this transition. So I have a list and I do a little bit of packing everyday and it has been good to keep me from getting overwhelmed.
Ryan is gone right now so that has been hard for u,s actually not too hard because I really feel like the Lord has been with us and has comforted us and has been keeping this house peaceful. I thank God that the days are starting to be warmer again and the kids are able to play and do something besides running like crazy people in the house.
Unfortunately, I hurt my wrist yanking on boxes so I haven't been getting as much packing done as I would like.
We still have 2 weeks before the big move, but it makes me feel better knowing I am not waiting until the last minute. It is better with my children if I don't wait around to get things done because I can't assume on any given day where they will be emotionally. I am making the most out of the good days.
Obie started to express concern over moving. We have talked about it, but he said he would stay here in our big bed and that he would not be scared. He said if bio mom tried to get him or bad guys he would beat them up. He is still afraid of stuff like that, but he talks big. I told him we are family, and always stick together. I told him we all have to go. I didn't really comfort him much I think.
Later, at dinner I casually told Ryan that Obie wasn't sure he wanted to move. Ryan looked at Obie, and told him the truth. "Obie we are moving for you. We want you to be safe. "
"NO!" I was thinking. I was sure this was the wrong tactic. "Don't put this on him!" I thought.
My husband continued, "Obie, its my job to keep you safe. I need you to come with us so I can keep you safe, okay?"
"Okay Dad."
That was it. Obie has not expressed or shown underlying fear since then. He is coming along so Daddy can do his job protecting him. When Ryan said that it was his job to protect I saw a burden lift off Obie. I am glad my husband knew to be honest in a tricky situation.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Correcting and Reconnecting
That's about how my day goes all day long. The correcting part comes easy. I jump on that bandwagon in a split second. I am there before I even intend to be. Parenting so many young kids had made me very reactive... When the 2 year old is eating a sharpie, the 3 year old is playing in the sink, and the 4 year old is announcing he's big enough to collect eggs by himself that reactive thing gets intense.
BUT, I am actually learning something... I am going to correct and I may not be Polly Perfect in my style, but I reconnect as soon as possible. I smile at them or touch them softly or make a funny face. I behave as if I actually like them and I show in some small way that I want to stay connected. When I do that the tension inside them releases, sometimes a little... sometimes a lot. We rarely have deep and meaningful conversations. I just find a way to show a little "I like you," and it is one of the things that makes my chaotic life work a little better.
BUT, I am actually learning something... I am going to correct and I may not be Polly Perfect in my style, but I reconnect as soon as possible. I smile at them or touch them softly or make a funny face. I behave as if I actually like them and I show in some small way that I want to stay connected. When I do that the tension inside them releases, sometimes a little... sometimes a lot. We rarely have deep and meaningful conversations. I just find a way to show a little "I like you," and it is one of the things that makes my chaotic life work a little better.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Hiding
I am hiding in my room. They should be in bed, but they are peaceful and calm and kind to each other right now. Something magical happens at bedtime. They get super nice and quiet, like maybe I won't notice them. I let them think I don't. As soon as they see me all sorts of competitive dynamics come into play. Right now all 5 are friends and I am soaking up the peace.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Waiting for Bureaucrats
Waiting for this appeals process to complete so we can finally adopt is a little like waiting for your tax return. I can't see what they are doing. I have no idea what the back log is and I imagine this file sitting on someone's desk waiting to get noticed... My tax return is only important to me and when the IRS decided to delay last year it was completely out of my control although everything was in order. Like my tax return, this appeals process is only important to us. Everyone else can take their sweet time.
After the holidays we are going to go ahead with finishing up our part of the adoption side of things. We are going to do the fingerprinting and paperwork that will be required of us. Hopefully when this all wraps up we will have done all we can to be ready and maybe, hopefully, help things to move that much faster. I want the official forever stamp.
I heard Obie (Tyke) and Cy discussing adoption again yesterday. I am not sure why Obie brings this up to Cy the most. He always asks Cy, "Am I 'dopted yet?" I think in part its because he really wants to share a room with Cy and Cy's room is in the basement. Cy's window is such that you can easily climb in and out if need be, but it is not an "official" egress window, so it is not allowed.
After the holidays we are going to go ahead with finishing up our part of the adoption side of things. We are going to do the fingerprinting and paperwork that will be required of us. Hopefully when this all wraps up we will have done all we can to be ready and maybe, hopefully, help things to move that much faster. I want the official forever stamp.
I heard Obie (Tyke) and Cy discussing adoption again yesterday. I am not sure why Obie brings this up to Cy the most. He always asks Cy, "Am I 'dopted yet?" I think in part its because he really wants to share a room with Cy and Cy's room is in the basement. Cy's window is such that you can easily climb in and out if need be, but it is not an "official" egress window, so it is not allowed.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Harvest
The Lord has heard my cry. My sweet Chi has been precious, absolutely precious. How is it that when he is like this I can't imagine not being able to hold his sweet smiling self?
What's working right now? God. I have a new line I am using. "I won't throw a fit if you don't throw a fit." It can be changed to I won't stomp my feet or I won't be scary if you aren't. Anything like that. The idea that his actions can have power over someone else is powerful to him. He knew he had the power to make others around him miserable. Now he's learning he has the power to keep things peaceful too. I know ultimately that is what Chi really wants and he is pursuing that with reminders. I have only had to mimic the start of 2 fits. He was instantly startled and unhappy. I promised I could pull it together if he could ;) and he did. Thank you God.
I did gave another dynamic shift into play. Chi was good so Obee decided he couldn't be the good one anymore. Obee has always struggled knowing his place when we are happy with everyone. We were going downhill fast until I told him it was okay if they were both good boys because then we could have even more fun. I made sure to love on them both and Obee, so far, is accepting this logic.
I am thanking God for this time. I pray the peace will continue.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Therapy Animals
Chi has his issues, as I have gone on about before. He can startle and scream and go from bad to worse before I know what started it all. He has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. I haven't done much traditional therapy with the diagnosis. I do try to be aware of that side of things and work with him to process unexpected events instead of pushing and escalating the issues.
I have heard of therapy animals, and I feel like I am getting some bonus therapy lately. Watching Chi with all of the new animals he is the happiest kid around. The puppies and kittens bump, tug, roll, and climb all over him and he loves it. He is always carrying a kitty or a puppy. He is not at all afraid of the goats in the pasture. If I have any issues it is getting him to stay back at times.
Even with duck herding Chi is in on the action. We herd our ducks to the pond and we herd them to their little house in the evening where they get safety from predators and a nice meal. The herding is noisy and unpredictable, but Chi even loves the ducks. There is not an animal on this property that sets Chi off. When he is upset you can set a kitten on his lap and he is a new kid.
Chi has struggled with empathy and cause and effect in relationships. But with animals he seems to understands that the animals can be scared or hurt or happy or sad. He understands his actions affect their feelings and how much they want to be around him. He coaches everyone else on how to treat the animals.
I am loving on Chi lately. He has been a happy boy and I think all the animal snuggles have helped him regulate big time.
I have heard of therapy animals, and I feel like I am getting some bonus therapy lately. Watching Chi with all of the new animals he is the happiest kid around. The puppies and kittens bump, tug, roll, and climb all over him and he loves it. He is always carrying a kitty or a puppy. He is not at all afraid of the goats in the pasture. If I have any issues it is getting him to stay back at times.
Even with duck herding Chi is in on the action. We herd our ducks to the pond and we herd them to their little house in the evening where they get safety from predators and a nice meal. The herding is noisy and unpredictable, but Chi even loves the ducks. There is not an animal on this property that sets Chi off. When he is upset you can set a kitten on his lap and he is a new kid.
Chi has struggled with empathy and cause and effect in relationships. But with animals he seems to understands that the animals can be scared or hurt or happy or sad. He understands his actions affect their feelings and how much they want to be around him. He coaches everyone else on how to treat the animals.
I am loving on Chi lately. He has been a happy boy and I think all the animal snuggles have helped him regulate big time.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Reunion
It
was a pretty good day yesterday. At least looking back on it. I woke up
so, so tired. As I do every day, I prayed for strength. I crawled
out of bed and knew that my energy was just not there. What do I do?
There is no choice. I put one foot in front of the other and keep
going.
Cy
and Liv have been gone visiting Grandparents and I knew they were
coming home yesterday. Clean up had to happen. Maybe not for Cy and
Liv, but definitely with my in-laws coming over. How I wonder, do
bathrooms get so dirty so quickly? When will I get good at
remembering to move the laundry to the dryer? Why did all of this
used to seem so easy?
A-round-a-bout
noon I started to feel more awake. I moved slightly faster on the
chores. Absentminded cleaning got replaced with slightly more focus.
Chi
had a pretty good day, so that helped. He did a lot better with the
screaming as I have been working hard on that single issue with him
for the last several days.
If
he screams to communicate he sits down for awhile. Period. I don't
negotiate the who, what, where, why, or how until after he sits...
quietly. When he screams it's rarely from actual trauma. 99% of the
time when he screams he is frustrated about something. I have yet to
have a single event over the last 4 days make me say, “Yeah, I
guess that's worth screaming about.”
Then
when he did really hurt himself on something he didn't even scream.
He just showed me his bleeding toe and asked for a bandage, but I
digress. So, Chi has to sit, and then after quiet sitting we talk.
He has shown improvement since the zero-tolerance screaming policy
has come into play. He backslid a little when Cy and Liv got home.
He was thinking that maybe he could at least still scream at them.
Obee
is a happy boy. He has been like a lost puppy following me around
for the last several days since the kids left. He just did not know
what to do with himself. He has been driving me just a bit bonkers
with his extra clingy, slightly rebellious, whining for everything,
boundary pushing behaviors over the last 4 days. Cy and Liv came
home and happy, secure, Obee came back. I suppose my boy just likes
his family close.
Even
Zee was in a better mood after the big kids came home. Zee's crib is
in Liv's room. He wakes up to the sight of her nearly everyday. She
plays silly games from her bed for him just to make him laugh. She
has been missing. I wonder if that is why he has been waking up
crabby? He saw her today when he woke up from nap and bubbly Zee was
back.
It's
these little things that remind me that my Littles are probably still
carrying a lot of insecurities. They do better when we are all
together. Our crazy family-life represents stability for them and
they want every person in their place. I agree with my Littles, life
is better with Cy and Liv around.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Leaving the Safe Zone
This first part is not the point of this post.
------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit. I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker! She comes when she says she is coming. She makes what seems to be common sense decisions. I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----
The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case. She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance. I can't relax until I know the boys are free. I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.
The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal. We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt. I don't want to wait!
Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$. Seriously! Every. single. time. I think "what is going to go wrong now?" I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us. Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated.
As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts. I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.
As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids. As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior. It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day. There is NO saving the day. I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves. So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all. I tried to protect us all when I could. I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone. Someone else was hurting with them.
Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare. We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life. I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart. Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.
------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit. I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker! She comes when she says she is coming. She makes what seems to be common sense decisions. I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----
The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case. She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance. I can't relax until I know the boys are free. I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.
The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal. We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt. I don't want to wait!
Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$. Seriously! Every. single. time. I think "what is going to go wrong now?" I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us. Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated.
As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts. I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.
As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids. As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior. It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day. There is NO saving the day. I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves. So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all. I tried to protect us all when I could. I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone. Someone else was hurting with them.
Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare. We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life. I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart. Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Waiting For A Breeze
I have felt the pull for quite some time that even with all the work and all the drama the Lord was not done building our family. I believe I have mentioned that here before. I have done nothing toward that "goal." I don't even feel right calling it that. It was just more like something out there waiting to be discovered. For a long time since the idea first nudged me I was pushing it away. There was no way I could do more. Life is far from easy already. There is no way Ryan could do more. The stretching it took for God to lead us here was pretty uncomfortable at times.
Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger. Are you willing? I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able. Of course HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.
A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again. I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me. I thought of my home. I thought "I have room for one more." How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?
I only prayed. I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW. I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching. I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan. One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk. I STILL didn't bring it up. I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation.
Then I saw his eyes get droopy. I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me. I knew exactly what would wake him up. "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?" Yep, that got his attention all right. The shocker was for me though. He was completely on board.
At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake." My jaw kind of dropped. I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago. Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids. It seems as though God has been preparing us both.
So where do we go from here? Well, I am not sure. We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now. We are very focused on completing this first adoption process. I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze. We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now. I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now, we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.
Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger. Are you willing? I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able. Of course HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.
A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again. I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me. I thought of my home. I thought "I have room for one more." How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?
I only prayed. I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW. I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching. I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan. One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk. I STILL didn't bring it up. I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation.
Then I saw his eyes get droopy. I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me. I knew exactly what would wake him up. "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?" Yep, that got his attention all right. The shocker was for me though. He was completely on board.
At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake." My jaw kind of dropped. I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago. Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids. It seems as though God has been preparing us both.
So where do we go from here? Well, I am not sure. We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now. We are very focused on completing this first adoption process. I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze. We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now. I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now, we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Vacation and Termination News
Well, here I am having a fantastic vacation with my family, not that it has all been perfect. We are in Florida and the air conditioning at the vacation house went out! Now if you are used to a warm climate that probably isn't too bad, but we like our evenings cool. Ryan and I are both fighting some kind of throat thing and the baby sitter got a little to fried yesterday.
There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi. They both triggered around the water. They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water. Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.
I am loving this. Getting away and loving on my family. That is the only thing I have to do on vacation. As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks. For me, this is perfect. I love this family God has given me.\
In other news the termination trial is over. Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling. I am told we won't hear until around the first of July. What is with all of this waiting!? The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective. She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no." She says that's a really good sign. Okay, well I can't think about that stuff. It upsets me...
Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!
There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi. They both triggered around the water. They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water. Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.
I am loving this. Getting away and loving on my family. That is the only thing I have to do on vacation. As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks. For me, this is perfect. I love this family God has given me.\
In other news the termination trial is over. Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling. I am told we won't hear until around the first of July. What is with all of this waiting!? The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective. She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no." She says that's a really good sign. Okay, well I can't think about that stuff. It upsets me...
Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
A Sampling
For some reason I am having difficulty uploading pictures...
I had a wonderful day out with Liv just a couple of days ago. My sweet girl was a giggle-box and I laughed with her. I didn't have to worry about things getting out of control with the group dynamic. She tried to be a best friend to some local ducks and I let her because I didn't have to worry about a toddler tumbling into the water. We went to the park and she swang as high as she could just for the momentary feel of her hair flying behind her and I let her because, well... I always let her do that. :) We truly enjoyed our girl time.
In other news Chi sat with me for awhile yesterday and got emotional. He wanted to know why I left him behind the door at the visits when he was crying for me. Oh No, the visits didn't traumatize him at all... He laid his head on me and I hugged him. "That's all done now Chi, Mommy doesn't have to leave you anymore." He is my emotional boy.
Everywhere we go Obee tells everyone. "Dis my Mom. You gotta Mom? Dis my Mom." I love his ownership of me. The other day Chi was angry because I wouldn't go get him ice cream. He said, "I don't love you! I love Obee, and Cy, Cy, and Liv, and Zee, but I don't love you MOM!" I sat in the front of the van with a little smile on my face. I had to admire his creative anger.
Then Obee got mad. "CHI! Dat's my MOM. I love my Mom, and if you don't love my Mom, den I don't love you!" At that point I had to calm them both down and bring the love back. Still, my Obee loves me and if anyone else doesn't well... them's fighting words. I love that boy.
I had a wonderful day out with Liv just a couple of days ago. My sweet girl was a giggle-box and I laughed with her. I didn't have to worry about things getting out of control with the group dynamic. She tried to be a best friend to some local ducks and I let her because I didn't have to worry about a toddler tumbling into the water. We went to the park and she swang as high as she could just for the momentary feel of her hair flying behind her and I let her because, well... I always let her do that. :) We truly enjoyed our girl time.
In other news Chi sat with me for awhile yesterday and got emotional. He wanted to know why I left him behind the door at the visits when he was crying for me. Oh No, the visits didn't traumatize him at all... He laid his head on me and I hugged him. "That's all done now Chi, Mommy doesn't have to leave you anymore." He is my emotional boy.
Everywhere we go Obee tells everyone. "Dis my Mom. You gotta Mom? Dis my Mom." I love his ownership of me. The other day Chi was angry because I wouldn't go get him ice cream. He said, "I don't love you! I love Obee, and Cy, Cy, and Liv, and Zee, but I don't love you MOM!" I sat in the front of the van with a little smile on my face. I had to admire his creative anger.
Then Obee got mad. "CHI! Dat's my MOM. I love my Mom, and if you don't love my Mom, den I don't love you!" At that point I had to calm them both down and bring the love back. Still, my Obee loves me and if anyone else doesn't well... them's fighting words. I love that boy.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Light At The End Of The Tunnel
I have been really working with Chi lately. I am doing well myself and I can focus on his moments without feeling only like I just want to escape.
We talk a lot about inside voices. In all reality I think he has some problems regulating volume. The loudness of his voice at times can be incredibly random. He just yells about the most mundane things. He's not mad, but his voice is at scream level. Now, if I don't respond he will start to get angry. So, over and over and over we talk about an inside voice. I think he is improving a bit. Often times I say, "Change your voice," and he gets it.
He either feels pain more than the other kids or he over does his show of pain. My 2 year old gets a lot of boo boos so I get to deal with a lot of screaming about that. If I respond in a firm kind of matter of fact way, he snaps out of it faster, if I hold him and comfort him he screams in my ear for 5 minutes. I try to give him a little of both.
He also struggles with flailing or aggressive stances and actions. He will raise his fists and then punch, or ball them up and then throw himself down, or he may bang something really hard. He will suddenly and without provacation throw something really hard. If the item is stick like at all then without warning he will beat on people and things. I know that boys do these things, but I have 4 of them, and Chi's behaviors are outside the norm as far as frequency goes. I have been on him like white on rice to try and catch the moment before the outburst. I see his face scrunch up in anger and I say firm, somewhat loud, and low, "Chi, change your face." When he makes a fist I may say, "Open your hands, Chi." When he raises a toy, his arm, or something to hit I say, 'Chi! Put your arm DOWN."
It really is working. He stops the pre-action behavior and then we avoid problems. At that point we can talk about whatever is going on, but nothing gets through if he has made it to a full on outburst.
Chi just needs so much supervision. I often wonder if there is something more neurological going on with him. He needs far more than the others to stay regulated. It can be overwhelming with so many of them needing attention, but for now it is working out alright. A couple times I have watched him talk himself back from a line he shouldn't cross. That is the goal I have in mind so there may be light at the end of the tunnel for my sweet boy.
We talk a lot about inside voices. In all reality I think he has some problems regulating volume. The loudness of his voice at times can be incredibly random. He just yells about the most mundane things. He's not mad, but his voice is at scream level. Now, if I don't respond he will start to get angry. So, over and over and over we talk about an inside voice. I think he is improving a bit. Often times I say, "Change your voice," and he gets it.
He either feels pain more than the other kids or he over does his show of pain. My 2 year old gets a lot of boo boos so I get to deal with a lot of screaming about that. If I respond in a firm kind of matter of fact way, he snaps out of it faster, if I hold him and comfort him he screams in my ear for 5 minutes. I try to give him a little of both.
He also struggles with flailing or aggressive stances and actions. He will raise his fists and then punch, or ball them up and then throw himself down, or he may bang something really hard. He will suddenly and without provacation throw something really hard. If the item is stick like at all then without warning he will beat on people and things. I know that boys do these things, but I have 4 of them, and Chi's behaviors are outside the norm as far as frequency goes. I have been on him like white on rice to try and catch the moment before the outburst. I see his face scrunch up in anger and I say firm, somewhat loud, and low, "Chi, change your face." When he makes a fist I may say, "Open your hands, Chi." When he raises a toy, his arm, or something to hit I say, 'Chi! Put your arm DOWN."
It really is working. He stops the pre-action behavior and then we avoid problems. At that point we can talk about whatever is going on, but nothing gets through if he has made it to a full on outburst.
Chi just needs so much supervision. I often wonder if there is something more neurological going on with him. He needs far more than the others to stay regulated. It can be overwhelming with so many of them needing attention, but for now it is working out alright. A couple times I have watched him talk himself back from a line he shouldn't cross. That is the goal I have in mind so there may be light at the end of the tunnel for my sweet boy.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
It's Real
I know that much. I picked up my Chi and we danced around the kitchen. Out of nowhere the tears came. I love him soooo much. I love them all and I am so grateful to God that they are in my life. I can't believe these precious gifts are in my home. I am so unworthy and yet I feel God's amazing blessing in all of this. For just a moment I was overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for Chi.
Chi is Tot if you recall. He is so stubborn. He wants to fight. He wants to break or be broken and he can be so very difficult. Still, my love for him is fierce. I want to hang on to him forever and protect him from every harm. He and I will need care and prayer as his personality, thus far, scares the living daylights out of me, but he is my baby.
I love him as much as I love my first kids! I am past the "fake it till you make it" stage. I made it and I am so grateful to God for that.
It can be scary when you have "first" kids and you know you won't ever love this new difficult child as much as you love your first children. I want to encourage you to give that to God over and over and over again. This has all been a process and one of the few things I have done right is to trust the process. I have trusted that God was bringing us, or rather me, to this love-filled place and yesterday I woke up and I was there.
Life goes on right? Chi proceeded to act defiant and angry for most of the rest of the day. He looked up at me with a question in his eyes when I touched his cheek softly. "You being soft Mom? You wike me Mom?"
"Yes, baby I like you."
Then later when he balled his fist and screamed in rage at me, "I wanna fight!!! I mad! You bad Mom! ... .... You mad Mom? You not mad Mom? You wike Me?"
Chi is still in his journey of trusting me. Chi is still looking for a fight. Chi is still learning to let me be his Mommy. Chi is still waiting for pain, but I am trusting the process for him too.
Chi is Tot if you recall. He is so stubborn. He wants to fight. He wants to break or be broken and he can be so very difficult. Still, my love for him is fierce. I want to hang on to him forever and protect him from every harm. He and I will need care and prayer as his personality, thus far, scares the living daylights out of me, but he is my baby.
I love him as much as I love my first kids! I am past the "fake it till you make it" stage. I made it and I am so grateful to God for that.
It can be scary when you have "first" kids and you know you won't ever love this new difficult child as much as you love your first children. I want to encourage you to give that to God over and over and over again. This has all been a process and one of the few things I have done right is to trust the process. I have trusted that God was bringing us, or rather me, to this love-filled place and yesterday I woke up and I was there.
Life goes on right? Chi proceeded to act defiant and angry for most of the rest of the day. He looked up at me with a question in his eyes when I touched his cheek softly. "You being soft Mom? You wike me Mom?"
"Yes, baby I like you."
Then later when he balled his fist and screamed in rage at me, "I wanna fight!!! I mad! You bad Mom! ... .... You mad Mom? You not mad Mom? You wike Me?"
Chi is still in his journey of trusting me. Chi is still looking for a fight. Chi is still learning to let me be his Mommy. Chi is still waiting for pain, but I am trusting the process for him too.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
The Ups and Downs
Last night as I was tucking all my children in I realized this is the good stuff. Moments like last night are the times I dreamt of prior to having this houseful. Giving hugs and kisses and pulling giggles from 5 precious babes is the very best stuff in life. I took a moment to remember where the three babies would be if they weren't here and I didn't just know God was good, I felt it to the very marrow of my bones.
Today... Well, God is still good, but there has been lots of crying and fit throwing. My parenting slips to reacting to each new thing instead of being proactive and things get worse and worse. I wonder if God will get tired of coming to my rescue. I was thrilled when naptime started and pray it will be the start of a better second half of the day.
It didn't help that I got a call from a family member who needed to talk. The kids were demanding my attention and I wasn't giving it to them like they wanted. Sometimes I know that the phone, the computer, the kindle, and the television make my life so much harder than it has to be. I don't want to be cut off. I want to be there for others when I can, but I want to to soak up my little family and I get pulled in so many directions.
Balance is such a tricky thing.
Today... Well, God is still good, but there has been lots of crying and fit throwing. My parenting slips to reacting to each new thing instead of being proactive and things get worse and worse. I wonder if God will get tired of coming to my rescue. I was thrilled when naptime started and pray it will be the start of a better second half of the day.
It didn't help that I got a call from a family member who needed to talk. The kids were demanding my attention and I wasn't giving it to them like they wanted. Sometimes I know that the phone, the computer, the kindle, and the television make my life so much harder than it has to be. I don't want to be cut off. I want to be there for others when I can, but I want to to soak up my little family and I get pulled in so many directions.
Balance is such a tricky thing.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Life Right Now
Me - I'm tired and anxious about too many things. I have been having almost daily migraine headaches for the last couple weeks. I have been really tired and grouchy lately. I'm all out of my mood vitamin stuff. Gotta get more of that. So anyway, God is good, there are no visits, and termination is coming, and bills are doable. Just maybe the winter blahs? I just feel like I talk all day long. I am rereading Love and Logic . It reminds me to stop talking myself to death trying to get 5 kids to understand and cooperate.
Actually what I should be doing is a giant praise God session. God has done some amazing things in our life in the last TWO weeks. I don't want to crow too loudly, but we're DEBT FREE! Well... except for the house.
Ryan is awesome. He is a great Daddy to his kids and works hard to be a great man for me. His heart is not anywhere near the place of bringing in another child at this point. That's enough for me. We do this together or not at all.
Cy - He is mister responsible unless he's trying to be all logical in a way that will get him out of doing something. He is the worst culprit in the talk Mom to death wars. That 9 year old could talk his way around anything if I let him. He's lucky he's such a wonderful, responsible kid.
Liv - She's either off the radar, because she is being so good and easily entertaining herself or she's bringing it on too strong. She can be too screechy when she's happy or mad or sad and its like nails on chalkboard for me. I have been making an effort to go to her and give her my focus when she's off my radar. Lately she is really doing well at completing her schoolwork in a timely manner. This is HUGE for me.
Tyke - When he's adopted we will call him Obee. I think its safe to tell you that.
He is taking cues from Cy in the talk Mom to death issue. There are days when he just pushes everything. Its not that he is doing wrong outright. I give warnings and then I give consequences. We have had a lot of days where he does things one time just to get the warning and then he stops. In a 5 minutes span he might do 5 completely different things to sort of cross a boundary, but not totally. At least he stops with a warning, but seriously, its one wrong thing after another. Then he wants to talk me to death about what he did wrong. Eventually I get so frustrated about constant warnings that I send him to his room.
Sometimes I hear him in there talking to himself. It's a quiet conversation, not meant for my ears... I think. He will say, "If you wuv me, den just say you wuv me, kay? Jus say you wuv me if you wuv me, den its okay." I have no idea how these things fit in, but when I hear this quiet conversation, I always poke my head in and say, "I LOVE YOU TYKE!" He always smiles and usually adds, "I come out my room, okay?" Then I have to say its not okay because, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. More talking... but I am not letting my little guy think I don't love him.
Tot, is learning so much right now and actually showing some understanding of boundaries. So now he has A LOT of questions about boundaries, and life, and the ducks, and the chickens, and the dog, and where's Daddy, and when do we eat, when do we eat, when do we eat. We have started repeating the questions back to him and having him give the answer and that is helping, but he will still ask me the same question even after he has answered it. When one is struggling with a migraine this can be... a bit more than annoying, even though a part of me recognizes that on a better day I would probably see it as cute.
Baby, we have a fun new game we play with him. We copy Baby. We all sit around the table and start copying his hand motions, etc. You should see his eye light up when he figures out what's going on. He has everyone start hitting the table, twisting their bodies, and waving bye, bye. We have started playing it with all the kids and it is turning into our new family game. Its fun to see their personalities come out. Mr. Tyke is all "Now we are eating, Now we are sleeping, now we are brushing teeth!" Tot, doesn't talk a lot. He makes as many faces as Bill Cosby and we are all supposed to copy them. Cy's choices are very complex and tricky, and Liv, makes mostly goofy sounds and does tiny motions we have to watch carefully not to miss them.
Baby is fun, and he is cranky. He has figured out how to ask for a few things. The one I understand the best, and that he requests the most is, "Toooookeee," which for those of you that don't speak Baby is cookie, of course. He is attempting to throw things himself down when cookies aren't produced. Its annoying and hilarious. He looks up from his collapsed position seeing if he has caught our eye. If anyone is looking (and with 6 other people available someone usually is looking), then the sobs become even louder.
So anyway, I'm tired and I get too many headaches, but really I am okay. My babes are wonderful, exhausting, and needy, but that's life and I am glad to be their Momma.
Actually what I should be doing is a giant praise God session. God has done some amazing things in our life in the last TWO weeks. I don't want to crow too loudly, but we're DEBT FREE! Well... except for the house.
Ryan is awesome. He is a great Daddy to his kids and works hard to be a great man for me. His heart is not anywhere near the place of bringing in another child at this point. That's enough for me. We do this together or not at all.
Cy - He is mister responsible unless he's trying to be all logical in a way that will get him out of doing something. He is the worst culprit in the talk Mom to death wars. That 9 year old could talk his way around anything if I let him. He's lucky he's such a wonderful, responsible kid.
Liv - She's either off the radar, because she is being so good and easily entertaining herself or she's bringing it on too strong. She can be too screechy when she's happy or mad or sad and its like nails on chalkboard for me. I have been making an effort to go to her and give her my focus when she's off my radar. Lately she is really doing well at completing her schoolwork in a timely manner. This is HUGE for me.
Tyke - When he's adopted we will call him Obee. I think its safe to tell you that.
He is taking cues from Cy in the talk Mom to death issue. There are days when he just pushes everything. Its not that he is doing wrong outright. I give warnings and then I give consequences. We have had a lot of days where he does things one time just to get the warning and then he stops. In a 5 minutes span he might do 5 completely different things to sort of cross a boundary, but not totally. At least he stops with a warning, but seriously, its one wrong thing after another. Then he wants to talk me to death about what he did wrong. Eventually I get so frustrated about constant warnings that I send him to his room.
Sometimes I hear him in there talking to himself. It's a quiet conversation, not meant for my ears... I think. He will say, "If you wuv me, den just say you wuv me, kay? Jus say you wuv me if you wuv me, den its okay." I have no idea how these things fit in, but when I hear this quiet conversation, I always poke my head in and say, "I LOVE YOU TYKE!" He always smiles and usually adds, "I come out my room, okay?" Then I have to say its not okay because, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. More talking... but I am not letting my little guy think I don't love him.
Tot, is learning so much right now and actually showing some understanding of boundaries. So now he has A LOT of questions about boundaries, and life, and the ducks, and the chickens, and the dog, and where's Daddy, and when do we eat, when do we eat, when do we eat. We have started repeating the questions back to him and having him give the answer and that is helping, but he will still ask me the same question even after he has answered it. When one is struggling with a migraine this can be... a bit more than annoying, even though a part of me recognizes that on a better day I would probably see it as cute.
Baby, we have a fun new game we play with him. We copy Baby. We all sit around the table and start copying his hand motions, etc. You should see his eye light up when he figures out what's going on. He has everyone start hitting the table, twisting their bodies, and waving bye, bye. We have started playing it with all the kids and it is turning into our new family game. Its fun to see their personalities come out. Mr. Tyke is all "Now we are eating, Now we are sleeping, now we are brushing teeth!" Tot, doesn't talk a lot. He makes as many faces as Bill Cosby and we are all supposed to copy them. Cy's choices are very complex and tricky, and Liv, makes mostly goofy sounds and does tiny motions we have to watch carefully not to miss them.
Baby is fun, and he is cranky. He has figured out how to ask for a few things. The one I understand the best, and that he requests the most is, "Toooookeee," which for those of you that don't speak Baby is cookie, of course. He is attempting to throw things himself down when cookies aren't produced. Its annoying and hilarious. He looks up from his collapsed position seeing if he has caught our eye. If anyone is looking (and with 6 other people available someone usually is looking), then the sobs become even louder.
So anyway, I'm tired and I get too many headaches, but really I am okay. My babes are wonderful, exhausting, and needy, but that's life and I am glad to be their Momma.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
I'm Listening
Sometimes life is hard. Okay, lots of times life is hard, and I hate it when it starts to feel like we are in similar situations over and over again. I have been feeling like that with one of my precious little ones. I remembered a lesson I heard once. If you don't figure out why God keeps bringing you to a similar place you are bound to end up back in that place over and over and over again.
Then I heard a speaker through Ted X (You'll have to put that in YouTube if you are curious because I came across it randomly) and she was talking about the same idea. When God brings hard things into our lives our job is to ask him for his lesson in that hard thing. If we can just get the lesson oftentimes we can MOVE ON from a hard place. Moving on can take a lot of forms, maybe I will move on literally, mentally, or emotionally, but I won't stay feeling trapped in a painful place.
Long story short, or I will never publish. I asked God what the lesson was in my struggles with Tot. I felt/heard him say, "Listen." Several times since then he has confirmed that message.
I struggle with hearing "innappropriate displays" of discomfort. Too often I want to shut it down and end my discomfort. I have taken that lesson to heart. I have had to force myself at times to say, "I'm listening," when I want to say, "Stop screaming." I am seeing a huge difference in him. Even some of the antics that aren't about just screaming in fear or anger. If I say, "I heard you say you saw a tractor." Then Tot stops screaming about the tractor he just saw. If I say, "I hear you saying you are thirsty," then he stops moaning and twisting and banging himself into me. Even when I can't get to it right away it is helping him so much when I hold his little hand and look in his face and just say, "I'm listening."
Thank God that He gets me even better than I do.
Then I heard a speaker through Ted X (You'll have to put that in YouTube if you are curious because I came across it randomly) and she was talking about the same idea. When God brings hard things into our lives our job is to ask him for his lesson in that hard thing. If we can just get the lesson oftentimes we can MOVE ON from a hard place. Moving on can take a lot of forms, maybe I will move on literally, mentally, or emotionally, but I won't stay feeling trapped in a painful place.
Long story short, or I will never publish. I asked God what the lesson was in my struggles with Tot. I felt/heard him say, "Listen." Several times since then he has confirmed that message.
I struggle with hearing "innappropriate displays" of discomfort. Too often I want to shut it down and end my discomfort. I have taken that lesson to heart. I have had to force myself at times to say, "I'm listening," when I want to say, "Stop screaming." I am seeing a huge difference in him. Even some of the antics that aren't about just screaming in fear or anger. If I say, "I heard you say you saw a tractor." Then Tot stops screaming about the tractor he just saw. If I say, "I hear you saying you are thirsty," then he stops moaning and twisting and banging himself into me. Even when I can't get to it right away it is helping him so much when I hold his little hand and look in his face and just say, "I'm listening."
Thank God that He gets me even better than I do.
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