Heavenly Peace

The holidays are upon us and life here is good.  I am amazed at how I am actually able to disconnect when the need arises and all of my family keeps on track.  I am getting time once again for little pet projects.  We are dreaming of a kitchen remodel.

This may not seem extraordinary to some, but 1 year ago I could not have imagined that life would begin to feel so... normal!  Before there was some laughter and some joy amid dark and scary times.  Now the laughter and joy have returned to a place of being an integral part of our family identity.

How long did it take to get here?  For me it took 2 and a half years to reach this place.  This family fought hard to get here and it was more than worth it. Can I just say, I love us?!

My babe's have their struggles.  I have one who may even be slightly autistic, but he is who he is, and he is at peace now more than ever before.  Proverbs 22:6 says,  "Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."  I have finally come to a place where I believe this to be true for ALL children, trauma babies, and special needs kids, rowdy children, and shy ones.  I do my part to teach, train, and correct, and I trust God to do the healing.  I trust God's promise for their "ever - afters."  The trade off? The more I decide to let go and trust the more peace I get.

Maybe someone is reading this and you are scared because it all feels dark and hard and ugly right now.  The good parts seem fake and only the darkness seems real.  Can I just encourage you?  Hang on my sister!  Hang on my brother!  Just hang on and believe that God is who he says he is and he has good plans for you and ALL of your family.  Redemption is and was, ugly and bloody and painful, but there is so much beauty to come.  Don't lose hope. Don't try to cut and run.  I know how you feel.   I know you feel you are being swallowed up and forever extinguished, but when you emerge from this fire it will be better than it ever was.  You will be better than you ever were.  There is so much joy ahead of you.    I am praying for you!  

May you and your family have peace and joy this Holiday season!

No blogging

No blogging today Zee is 3.  He NEEDS everything... now.

No blogging today, Chi is waiting for me to turn my back... just once.

No blogging today, Obie is doing backflips in the living room... again.

No blogging today, Liv needs some special time with Mom because she's lost in a sea of boys.

No blogging today, Cy is relearning long division  and has forgotten... everything.

No blogging today, 9 kids need their teacher.

No blogging today there's home to be kept.

No blogging today, there's life in the way.

Bringing Your Drama

   One of my insecurities in moving was that my family is full of drama.  At least, I feel like there is a lot of drama.  I asked myself, "Who would want us around once they figure out all of our crazy?"  It is one thing to live somewhere where people are already invested in you and your family.  Our friends and church in our former community watched our family change, and they rooted for our family to succeed. 

Moving is all about joining and joining something new tempted me to try and hide the crazy.  I just wanted people to like us!  Joining things is hard enough for a family of 7, but it is especially hard for Chi.

Before we moved we actually stopped going to church because every Sunday was so difficult for Chi.  We either kept him with us and got nothing from the service or we dropped him off and got to deal with the repercussions of his insecurities for the rest of the day.  Too often, the poor Children's Church workers would be quickly overwhelmed by his escalations

   One of the many new things you get to join when you move is a church.  We visited so many where we were invited to drop our children off in the children's area.  Sometimes none of them went, but we never sent Chi on the first visit.  It was enough for him to take in his new surroundings without strangers actually trying to touch him.

As far as joining goes, we have been attending the same church for nearly 2 months now. We were feeling like maybe we have found a home.  The children's program has also worked very well for our family.  Ryan and I joked that we were having "date" Sundays because for the first time it was usually just the 2 of us enjoying the service together.  How nice it is not to have a child beside you who will suddenly react loudly to the slightest stimuli just as you are beginning to be drawn into the message or music.

Everything we join, like this church, we have had to prepare them for Chi.  I sometimes struggle between wanting to give him a chance to walk in and just be another kid and being fair to everyone else so they can understand his behavior and can better meet his needs.

At our current church, I decided to try and let Chi go more of the "normal" route at first. I didn't want to be identified by the crazy. I gave a very light warning about him having some sensory issues.  That was a mistake. 

I had heard about some issues, but they were pretty minor.  Then came his third visit where he spun in circles, climbed on the tables, screamed at the leaders, and took swings at people who tried to touch him.  The teachers called in more strangers to calm him down.  Never did they call his family.  That was upsetting.   One of the helpers said, "I hate to say it, but he was just bad."

It was time for a meeting with the head children's pastor who had just returned from sabbatical.   As we sat down to talk she pulled up our family and there beside the boys, names were notes of concern. That sounded like an indictment.  As she read it off I felt stupid and a little irritated.  Not one volunteer work had added anything about Sensory issues, but they had a list of reactive behaviors and concerns about our parenting.

I sat with that pastor and I spilled their story.  I cried as I truly walked back through all they had suffered. I still felt bad sharing, but I realized some people have to know.

We had taught Chi to say out loud what was bothering him instead of just reacting so when he pulled in and said, "I'm afraid of you." That concerned people who didn't know better, whereas Ryan and I would have been proud of him for using his words instead of getting aggressive. The pastor had to understand Chi has a very legitimate reason he is afraid of random people touching him.  Add to his history  his sensory processing disorder and a room full of unexpected sounds and touches and it is amazing he is doing so well.

Obie, and Zee can walk into most anyplace now and function without much if any issue.  Chi cannot do that yet, but he is getting so close and I made the mistake of treating him like the others.  He is not and I am not doing him any favors by pretending otherwise.

By the end of our meeting another children's church leader had joined us and we had hashed out a plan of care for Chi that would address his special needs. One asked if she could hug me and the other asked if we could pray.  The way it all happened was unfortunate,  but in the end it has drawn us closer to the church. 

Yesterday we joined a large homeschool program.  Children are separated by age.  The place was loud and chaotic and dull of unexpected stimuli.  I walked Chi in I pointed out how the lights were different because they were so big.  "Look at those big lights Chi!"  I pointed out how it smelled different because of the rubber floor, "Feel the floor with me Chi!"  I pointed out how it was so noisy because of all the people, "There sure are  lot of NICE people Chi!"  Chi calmed as we walked through this little process.  Good thing Deb was there to support me with the other 8 kids. 

I wasted no time and found the head of the program and pulled her aside for a chat about Chi's overload issues.  She was great and all on her own she went right to Chi's area and rearranged the setting instantly to give Chi less to process at one time.  It was a great experience for all of us.  I guess I am learning how to be a joiner of things and how to do it the right way, one mistake at a time.

Bigger

I am short.  I have to stand up very tall to measure my full 5 feet tall.  I knew Cy and Liv were going to pass me eventually.  They aren't going to be super tall if the current trends continue, but they will pass me. 

My 2 youngest are growing like weeds.  They are going to pass me a lot sooner.  I can hardly keep Chi in shoes that fit and Zee wears 2 sizes larger than Cy did at that age.  Cy's hand was never so huge next to my small hand at 2 years old.

How big will they get?  It's one of many little parenting mysteries that is magnified by the adoption experience.   There are only 2 family members I have seen to help us make a guess.

I love my boys, and I want them to grow as tall and mighty as God wills, I just hope I can cradle them for a little while longer. 

Our Schedule

We have a unique schedule working with both families to get everyone's needs met.

A daily schedule often looks like this...

• Get everyone dressed
• Milk the goat
• Big Kids feed the dogs, the cats, the goats, the chickens, and the chicks.
• Have the Littles do their chores.
• Get breakfast.
• Clean up breakfast
• 20 minutes of silent reading for pre-k to 8th grade (The Littles love to look at books!)
• 10 minutes of journal writing
• push-ups, sit-ups, and stretching exercises for everyone (A little exercise makes everyone's brains work better.)
• History, Science, or Oral Reports (This varies based on the day.  We are using Magic School Bus episodes and America the Story of Us DVD's.  The 4 oldest answer worksheets based on their viewing, so they are forced to pay attention and I tailor-make worksheets for my 2nd and 3rd grader. The Littles just enjoy watching some television  and Obie takes in the most basic things like, we had a war with Britain once, germs make us sick, etc. 
• Math
• Spelling 
• Language Arts (This includes parts of speech, writing skills, and Vocabulary work)
• Reading Comprehension

From 8am to 2pm Deb helps get all of these things done as she is able.  She creates hands-on fun and therapeutic activities for the 2 - 3 youngest.  She works on clean-up and (her kids have to carry laundry over here everyday, as she does not have a washer and dryer yet) she starts laundry for both houses and preps lunch. 

After this comes lunch time, lunch time clean-up and nap time for the littles. Deb's kids also head home to finish their household chores at this time.  Once nap-time starts we typically do the other work that needs done around here.  Things like mowing, cleaning up the yard, cleaning the garage, working in the garden, canning and putting away the mountains of laundry, prepping supper, and school prep-work for the following day.

Every week we also attend a local college's homeschool courses for Music and Phys. Ed AND we work with piano and gymnastics twice a week.  Whew!  I am tired just writing it all!

Deb has been amazing in helping me to have that little extra time to pull the Littles to me for love and attention in our busy lives.  She is also fantastic at heading off trauma triggers and like me, she is more accurate than a meteorologist at spotting a storm brewing amongst the kids.  When she gets a job I just pray I can make it without her constant presence.  Even after she finds a different job she plans to help with a few things, which is just fine by me.

My Crew

The gorgeous children you see in this photo are all the children I care for now.  We have my five, Cyrus, 10, Olivia, 8, Obadiah, 5, Malachi, 4, and Zebedee, 2.  Added to that number are my sister Deb's children Dante, 14, Alana, 12 Nadia, 11, and Jasmyn, 8.

Yes, I got her permission to blog about her family first.  :)

Remember we found this house with the large guest home?  I moved my sister in.  Her life had gone from bad to "how does she get up everyday!?" In a span of about 3 years.   My husband and I felt called to share our blessing with her.  We decided to hire her to help us so we could in turn help her.  This whole process began last March. 

I could have done an entirely different blog on that adjustment!  It was hard for her and it was hard for us to blend two chaotic families. In some ways we both felt like foster parents stretching our "normal" to accomodate the needs of many more people. 

God has been so present in all of it and he has brought our families more peace together than we could ever have had alone, but, I am not going to lie, there were some rough moments.

I am the teacher of 7 now.  THAT was an adjustment!  Our life is pretty cool and loud and sometimes hard, but I am so grateful to be sharing it with my sister and her children. 

But... Our newest reality is that I can't really afford to pay for help.  It has begun to be too much of a strain our finances.  My sister is looking for work and I am looking at stepping up more for this crew that I love so much.  I know God put us together and I know we will all continue together somehow. 

God just keeps growing my family and I am honored to have more to love.

Dust in the Sunlight

   One thing I see so clearly now is how everything... From the best of moments to the worst of them, it is all temporary.  I look back at the times of anguish and agony as I waited for the final call on our boys and what their fates and ours would be.  I remember every begging tear and every long-suffering sigh as I deferred my hope and my heart was sick with it.

   Oh how I longed to let go at times.  In my own way I begged, "Take this cup from me."  I usually failed to subdue my will to the greater good.  Everything was magnified in the painful hours of being awake.  I dreaded, I hated, I pled, I scrambled for footing, I walked in chains.   I wanted to be changed, but I did not want the changing process.  I wanted to be victorious, but I did not want the fight for victory.

   I look back to the behaviors, that I knew I could not bear another day.  Yet, each morning came and each day I faced the same impossibility and I am here looking back at a time that seems almost surreal in my mind's eye.  Did that really happen?

   The same can be said for the beautiful moments.  I could not hang on.  All that remains are mere threads of once rich and full experiences.  Sweet smiles, and tender moments, little victories, and moments that captured family and joy and love.  They are all behind me.  I cannot hold Cy's eyes as he stares up at me in newborn peace, I cannot smooth Olivia's round cheeks and springy curls.   Obie doesn't curl in my arms to be calmed before his naps, Chi doesn't stop just to stare into my eyes and pat my face softly, Zee no longer coos and grins.  That is all memory.  Every moment moved away as swiftly as it came.

   As my family grows we face new challenges, but I am different in the twists and turns.  I realize today's challenge is for today.  I parent to rebuild, restore and reconnect today.  I try to remember not to worry about what 10 years from now looks like.  I had no idea what today would look like 2 years ago.  I keep perspective, I fight to keep it and I am not swallowed up.  Today's joys also belong to today.  Joy in recall is never as sweet as joy experienced fully in the moment.  I can't bring back the moments, but I can live in any gifts God brings for today.

   As a Mom I am trying to capture a single moment to release it again to the God who ordained all of this.  It is like dust in the shafts of light beaming through the front window.  I cannot hang on, but I can pause in a moment and be held by the light too. 

Beware the Know-It-Alls

I see posts all the time from so-called experts in adoption psychology and the holier-than-thou attitude they convey really sets my teeth on edge.  I have talked to too many Mommas who are at their wits end looking for answers to help their grieving and angry children.  They have discovered countless short-term solutions from these "experts."   If there is a stone they have overturned it looking for a way that truly makes a difference in the long-term. 

These Mommas are not uneducated about the grief and trauma their children have endured, they are super educated,  Maybe even over-educated because there are all of these books and blogs detailing how to deal with your adopted child and instead of helping to create a mother who knows SHE knows her child best, they create anxious and nervous Moms who question every single thing they do with their children.

The books and blogs tell us we don't know what we are doing, but wait!  Haven't there always been children experiencing trauma and haven't their always been people stepping into that trauma to try and help?  Should a child be allowed to stay hungry, without family, and without home just to prevent a parent misunderstanding a moment of grief as something else?

Why at this point in history have we decided that these children, who thus far have proven to be survivors, are now so fragile and breakable that we cannot even parent them for fear of doing it wrong? 

JUST STOP IT!

You are driving people away from these children instead of toward them.  You practically feel like you need a degree in psychology to parent an adopted child these days.

Guess what nervous Momma? YOU are or will be, a gift to your children.  It doesn't matter if you get mad sometimes when you should be understanding.   You love your child or maybe at this point you very much WANT to love your child or you wouldn't be adopting.  You are well on your way.

There is going to be hard stuff and there is going to be good stuff.  Keep praying and listen to that still small voice inside you.  Please stay away from the know-it-alls!  They drown out that voice. 
Proverbs 14:12 says,
"There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death."

You want to adopt?   You want to parent for that matter?  Just get your knees ready.  You won't have all the answers and there is no great society of know-it-alls with all the answers either.  You will need divine wisdom and a lot of grace for them AND for yourself.

Unexpected Tears

I suppose there have been a thousand little moments where I have recognized again that the boys are finally "our boys."  Sweet relief and joy have begun to fall to more normal levels as I realize no one is going to pull the rug out from underneath our family.

Today I got the mail.  We received new medical cards with their legal names and I burst into unexpected tears of joy.

I love them so much.  I love our family.  My one little girl and her four  rowdy brothers.  I couldn't have asked for greater joy than than what God has given.  Now the state sends me these precious words of affirmation.  

Beautiful,  beautiful, day.  :)

You see?!

These faces illustrate perfectly why bedtime can be a wild affair in this house!

11 Years of Preparation.

May of 2003.  Diagnosis Infertility.  The idea of adoption is born.

Feb 2004 my first son is born.

June 2005 I know we are supposed to have another child. I tell Ryan to choose adoption or more infertility treatments.  I am truly  okay with either choice.

May 2006.  My baby girl is born.  One for each hand.  I am content.

February 2007 adoption and foster care is celebrated at our church.  We decide to become foster parents.

June 2008.  We move out of state.  Fostering is set aside.

January of 2010  I woke up from the first of 3 vivid dreams about having more babies.  These dreams plant a new seed of a dream.

April 2010.  We start the process for international adoption.  This plan falls through.

September 2011 we become licensed foster parents.

January 2012 our three little boys join our family as foster children.

May 2014.  Obadiah, Malachi, and Zebedee become our forever babies.

I am amazed as I look back at the journey that has brought us to this point.  There were times the dream seemed so far away and impossible but here we are.

Matthew 19:26 (New International Version)

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

A Family!

It's official.  In a quiet and anti-climactic event we officially became a family.   Our hearts have known this for a long time now.  But... I still cried tears of joy.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow... tomorrow is going to be an awesome day!  I have some beautiful boys I will be celebrating tomorrow.

Foster Adoption and My Extended Family

If you have read my blog for any length of time, then you are probably familiar with how I have adjusted to our specific foster to adopt experience.  There was my Anticipation phase as we waited to be foster parents.  There was Disillusionment as I realized what a difficult transition it was going to be for all of us. There was the Adapting phase as we learned how to be together combined with the start the Insecurity phase as I wondered if we would be separated from one another.  Somewhere in the Insecurity period also came Unconsious Love, in spurts at first and then steady and sure as time progressed.  As we head to our adoption date we seem to be entering a what appears to be the final stage of Belonging.  They feel they belong with me and that they belong to me,  I feel the same way.  We are a family and we believe that will not be undone.  Like a beautiful sunset we are leaving the fostering period behind and heading toward a beautiful new day as a family.

However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit.  It affects the entire family.  Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.

I will begin with my Mom.  As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old.  During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary.  Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy.  She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this."  Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across.  I just wanted her to be excited for us.

 Ryan's parents were concerned.  They would not talk about it a lot.  They believed 2 kids was plenty.  They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes.  It seemed to fall on deaf ears.  One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them."   They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race.  We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them.  They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves.  I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing.  Ryan and I knew we were going forward.  The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity.  Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were?  Yes.  We were willing.

My brothers and sisters were excited for me.  They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me.  If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.

Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again.  That is his personality.  I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea.  My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.


Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee.  Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone.  His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.

During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well.   My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening.  Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on.  She prayed with me for them by phone.  She prayed over them when she came to see them.  She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.

My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me.  One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore.  I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself.  Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew.  Everyone was worried about 5 year old  Livvy.  What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely?  Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little."   My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me.  My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.

For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time.  We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions.  We did not know if we could or even should keep going.  We struggled with wanting to quit every single day.  We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members.  When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house. 

During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot.  She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable.  She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried.  My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize.  During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood.  She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available.  I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.

During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process.  A lot of their advice I ignored.  The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity,  but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys.  I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself.  They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start.  I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids.  I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well.  My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed.  That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.

As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family.  The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them.  I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys.  I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short. 
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do.  The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake.  His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well.  An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan.  He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us.  We would not have the boys hurt by rejection.  We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically.   When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt.  I reminded Ryan to be patient with them.  It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations.  They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls.  When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys.  They were trying.

With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time.  It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly.  My Mom walked through this with me.  She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted.  The fear of loss, she experienced as well.  We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did.  We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle.  Who would I be if they stayed?  Who would I be if I lost them?  She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears.  She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.

The insecurity affected my siblings differently.  My sisters had my heart.  Protect the boys, protect the boys.  protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well.  We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.

My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles.  They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!"  They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights.  At that point there was something to gain and something to lose.  They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.

Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase.  I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back.  They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet.  It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet.  The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.

Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it.  Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys.  1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different.  It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life.  It is something you can feel, not just something you do.  1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced.  Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.

The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine.  It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first.  It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic.  The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect.  I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower.   Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys.  It made sense to me.  We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members.  How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?

 At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.

The final stage I call the Belonging Stage.  This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...

 We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture.  My boys are not spinning and crazy.  They are chatting up the Grandparents.

Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him.  They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.

 My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids.  He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.

My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.

Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him.  He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.


My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family.  They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken.  My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.

My brother pulls me aside.  Tears in his eyes.  "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?"  Yeah.  I know.  "I feel like their ours now, You know?"  Yeah.  I know.

You WILL walk

I like those stories about people who defy the odds.   I like when the underdog wins.  I like it when someone says I can't because that means I will go out of my way to prove I can.

When we began this journey toward parenthood we defied the odds.  My barren womb carried 2 children, my once empty arms have now been mother to 5.

We were told we should reconsider adopting.  We were told we should reconsider adopting outside our race.  We were told we should reconsider adopting more than 1.  We continued forward in spite of those who said we could not or should not.

Early on the caseworkers, the therapists, family, and even friends have told me not to expect too much from "trauma babies."  We were told, in essence, to set the bar low. We were given lots of information to parent "damaged" kids.

I personally have read about brain damage, parenting techniques, and my children's individual diagnosis. I have spoken ad nauseum with experts.  I have used their ideas from time to time.   I like to be informed.   Smile.

Here is the real scoop on me.  I identify with the Mama who is told her child will never walk and then goes about proving the doctors wrong.   I know the disgust she carries inside at these people whose only goal seems to be helping her best accomodate the diagnosis.   The intense and burning desire to prove them ALL wrong because her baby deserves someone to at least believe they have a shot.  They deserve someone
Who will look them square in the face without pity and say, "You WILL walk."

This is the Mama that I am to all 5 of my children.  They are all amazing, they are all capable, they are all overcomers.  The spirit is available to each and every one of them, enabling them to walk in victory, not defeat.  It is that spirit which will cause them to be more than conquerors.

My job is not damage control.  My job is to coax, pull, push, prod, and demand until my children believe they can do more than crawl because their MAMA says they can!  My children are proud of themselves and they should be,  because I get on them like white on rice when they mess up and I help them be proud of themselves with every hurdle they triumph over.  It is exhausting, emotionally messy, amazing work that I am seeing fruit from it all over the place.  I know my children are capable, intelligent, and mighty, but my job is not done until they know it too.

All this time I have felt pulled to do things someone else's way.  No more.  This is MY way and I embrace it.   I am constantly told by people that my children should not be doing as well as they are.   I smile, but inside I know who my babies are and these people, these doubters,  these naysayers... they ain't seen nothing yet.

Update

We are settled in for the most part.  My 3 little boys have gotten past the worst of their transition issues.  Then the older 2 then started to grieve a bit for their friends.  

We have all gone through a round of sickness and multiple visits from workers getting us all legal here as far as foster care goes.

During this time we also finalized the adoption paperwork.   Our big day is May 29th!

Obie broke his thumb last night when he tried to pick up a big tractor tire and dropped it on his hand.  We got to do lots of documenting because of foster care and additional paperwork because we just moved.  Thank God nothing worse happened, but it just underscores how great it will be to reduce the extra steps we have to do as foster parents.

Moved

We are moved and settling in to our new home.  I have been dealing with a lot of junk coming from Chi.  I knew there would be regression, but this has been difficult.  On the positive side of things, these difficulties drive me to my knees.  God has been hearing from me a lot lately.

In very exciting news the appellate court upheld the lower court's ruling concerning termination of parental rights.  I squealed with joy when I saw the decision.  Knowing they will never go back, continues to relieve my spirit.  We just wait for the lawyers to finish things up and we can move onward to adoption.   I am so ready for that next step.

We already had the caseworker do a visit in our new home.  I don't know why, but I feel so encroached upon.  Our caseworker is so kind.  She is really nothing but nice to us, but she is a reminder that the boys belong to someone else.  She is a reminder that everything is uncertain until the adoption decree is signed.  I almost start to feel like this is a done deal and a sure thing and then... its time for more dc$ stuff.

This next part is hard for me to write.  I feel like I have to justify it somehow...  We are hiring my sister on as a nanny to live in the guesthouse behind this house.  It helps her situation out and it helps us as well.  We may have hired someone even if it couldn't be her.  I know I am at a distressing point of burnout.  The move has not helped.  Ryan and I always have to be available for Chi and Obie.  We always have to be "on."  They do not handle shifting caregivers well.  Obie can go from mature and helpful and sweet to manipulative and destructive as soon as he is left with caregivers besides us. Chi always struggles accepting change, but he goes straight back to constant screaming at any and all stimuli as soon as his little world gets rocked by any change. 

My sister is used to working with other little boys from similar trauma pasts with similar ways of functioning.  She came to help as we were moving in and Obie tried his usual tricks on her.  She was ready.  Obie told her as we were outside, "I don't like you!  You are mean like my Mom!"  I had to laugh when I found out about that.  My Obie-man is used to being able to work his caregivers.  When I asked him about it, he said he liked Aunty, but she didn't give him enough cookies.  Too funny. Could I hang on without help? Yes, but God has worked things out so I don't have to go this alone and I am so grateful.

There is a deep loneliness that comes from moving AGAIN (This is move number 10).   I look out the windows of my home and I feel isolated.  I feel the chore of having to reconnect again.  I am getting too old for this.  Yesterday as Chi reached a frenzied level of over-stimulation and proceeded to lose his mind in the Target checkout line, I realized that every new relationship will have to be a relationship that wants to deal with our large and unique family dynamic.  That's quite an investment.  I know God is good.  I know he will send me relationships, but I am so glad to know my sister is coming and I will not be alone.

Tractor Time

"Mom! I don't want a nap!" Says Chi, completely out of the blue.   They are NOT tired.  They just really need to push their tractors around by laying down.  When I asked why they were both laying down,  Chi says, "Cause that's how the tractors gotta play with the pine cone!"   Of course, makes perfect sense. ..

Playtime

Thanks to some beautiful weather, my kids can get to their favorite kind of play!

I Can Write!

I have this insecurity that you think I cannot type.  It isn't that, it's this phone!  I tried voice typing, that's worse.   I should only post via my computer, but my phone seems so convenient. .. Until I have to go back and fix the post forty stinkin' times!

In other news. ..  My sweet bundle of wonderfulness (aka Zee) keeps getting out of bed.  I have to go put him away again.

Pray for us.  We are starting week 2 without Daddy.

Preparing to Move

We  had will be moving over the next two weeks. The kids are really doing well with it. I am so glad because that was a concern.

I decided that the very last room I should pack would be the boys room. I think the longer I can leave their room exactly the same better they will handle all of this transition. So I have a list and I do a little bit of packing everyday and it has been good to keep me from getting overwhelmed.

Ryan is gone right now so that has been hard for u,s actually not too hard because I really feel like the Lord has been with us and has comforted us and has been keeping this house peaceful.  I thank God that the days are starting to be warmer again and the kids are able to play and do something besides running like crazy people in the house.

Unfortunately, I hurt my wrist  yanking on boxes so I haven't been getting as much packing done as I would like.
 We still have 2 weeks before the big move, but it makes me feel better knowing I am not waiting until the last minute.  It is better with my children if I don't wait around to get things done because I can't assume on any given day where they will be emotionally.  I am making the most out of the good days.

 Obie started to express concern over moving.   We have talked about it, but he said he would stay here in our big bed and that he would not be scared.  He said if bio mom tried to get him or bad guys he would beat them up.  He is still afraid of stuff like that,  but he talks big.  I told him we are family, and always stick together. I told him we all have to go.  I didn't really comfort him much I think.

Later, at dinner I casually told Ryan that Obie wasn't sure he wanted to move.  Ryan looked at Obie, and told him the truth.  "Obie we are moving for you.  We want you to be safe. "

"NO!" I was thinking.   I was sure this was the wrong tactic.  "Don't put this on him!" I thought.

My husband continued, "Obie, its my job to keep you safe.  I need you to come with us so I can keep you safe, okay?"

"Okay Dad."

That was it.   Obie has not expressed or shown underlying fear since then.  He is coming along so Daddy can do his job protecting him.  When Ryan said that it was his job to protect I saw a burden lift off Obie.  I am glad my husband knew to be honest in a tricky situation.

Problem Solver

Zee is being two.  I mean he is fantastic, but oh so 2!  I remind myself it isn't personal.  He just woke up one day and realized he has power, he has a voice, he has an opinion,  and Mommy is good for problem - solving.  So he works on having me problem solve ALL DAY LONG.  Precious little muffin that he is...

It seems interesting that as I focus on uncurling my clenched hands from the idea of  having control another strong voice has joined the chorus of voices saying, "Uh, MOMMY!  I need you to solve everything!"

Chi is still flipping out, but I think a little less.  He continues to improve in his sensory struggles to unexpected stimuli and that helps everyone.  He actually is a very funny and sweet boy when he isn't dealing with sensory avoidance.

  I am beginning to get a better perspective.  They aren't going to magically become 6 year olds overnight and I don't really want them to do that anyway.

Yesterday we all survived 8 hours in a car together.   It was just me and 5 opinionated kids.  There were some bad moments, and some hilarious moments, and quite a few times I had a realization that any noise repeated 20 plus times in a row makes my mini van start to feel like more like a paddy wagon, but it was decent enough.  I got us ice cream as we neared home.  We deserved it.  I survived their childish antics and they survived my parenting from the driver's seat.

In other news it looks like we will moving in mid-March. The house is the big one I wanted and I am looking forward to settling in and having room.

 I check the online appeals court docket twice a day to see if we can schedule our adoption date. From what I have seen the decision could come any day now.

Chi and Obie got their weighted vests today to hopefully help with their sensory struggles in crowded noisy environments.  We have a sports banquet and father/son basketball game with our home school group tonight, so we will see how it goes.

Day 7

The crazy thing is I have absolutely zero control over how Chi will respond to any given stimuli.  No, really I can't control it.  All I can do is control me.  So that is where I am at right now
  I am on day 7 of controlling me.

I have done A LOT of things right with my boys.   See, I  am growing!  I did not even used to give myself that much credit.  Seriously though, by God's power alone I have done a lot right, but I don't focus on that.

I have a dark fear-filled place that tells me I  inadequate.   It tells me I must find a solution to whatever problem is in front of me NOW!  It tells me that if I fail in this moment I may fail them forever.  It is that insecurity that has pushed me toward constant problem solving.  Sometimes I am a genius and sometimes I am just reacting.

All 5 of my kids can have a bad day, push buttons,  be difficult, create chaos,  but Chi is more work than the other 4 put together.  For some reason his mind sees danger, fear, and loss in nearly any tiny difficulty. You cannot love him out of it, you cannot pray him out of it, you cannot punish him out of it.  This is where he lives.   Some days are better and some environments are better, but there is no formula to fix Chi.  You just have to love him formula free.

Chi was made to shut that voice up in me.  The one that says "solve this NOW."  I have been relinquishing the IDEA of control for 2 years.  I think I will always be in the process of relinquishing that idea.  It takes all of my children,  but especially my Chi, to help me remember that control is an illusion.

W

My crazy life

I still don’t know if we got the house.   The bank took one more day to allow everyone one more chance for their best final offer.  I am frustrated with this whole process.  I am so grateful that we found buyers for our home so quickly,  but I don't like not feeling like we have some options.

We have had some great weather and the kids have been able to play outside without freezing.  That has been a blessing.  No more snow In the house!   Now its mud :/  Actually I am not too unhappy with the mud.  At least the fighting is lessening.

Speaking of messes, Zee and Chi decorated oue basement family room. Liv painted with the babysitter while we were house shopping.  I was unaware she left her jars of paint out.  On the day of our home inspection my 2 youngest came upstairs.  They were covered in paint.  They left a trail to me on all of the steps and railings.  They painted the carpeting.   The little darlings made a poor choice.  I scrubbed the entire time leading up to the inspection.   Its never boring!

Nervous

There ended up being multiple bidders on the house.  We found out tomorrow if our bid won.  I am getting nothing done.  I can't focus on anything.  I am just praying we get this house.  I have no alternatives in mind.

House Shopping

We ended up house shopping again this weekend.  We had made an offer on a short sale, but the bank was in no hurry to respond.  We decided we had to take this weekend to house hunt again.  At the end of the day Saturday we found a 6 bedroom, 10 acre beauty with buildings all set to go for our animals.  The property was bank-owned and was over 100K less than the closest alternative.   

When we got inside the 3 youngest started running and being noisy in general and the large house just seemed to welcome their exuberance. We couldn't really blame them,  they were cooped up all day.

 Yes, we brought the babies along.  The trauma behaviors during our last overnight trip leave me fairly certain that the friend who stayed with them won't be willing to come back.  She is very nice but was overwhelmed by their constant push back.   And... Obie and Chi can sense that in people.  It wasn't fun for us getting them back in shape last week. 

 Anyway, back to my house hunting.  We decided after the first house they could not go inside these peoples' beautifully decorated homes.  Our boys were literally climbing the walls because the stone masonry gave just enough hand grip to get them going.  My anxiety was off the charts in that house.

Lucky for us the realtor's husband also came along to help drive her on the bad roads and we had our 4 wheel drive as well.  Between the 4 of us we were able to go through the homes and swap kid supervising/entertaining.   We rewarded decent behavior with cookies, grapes, and carrots and my food loving boys figured the program out very quickly.

The last house was empty.  I told them I wanted them to get out and run and boy did they.  They ran up and down the steps and in and out of bedrooms from one side to the other and we still were able to talk and concentrate.   That house can handle my boys.  They ran outside for a bit and opted for busting through snow drifts rather than taking the nicely shoveled paths.  They had some energy to burn.

We offered more than the asking price. I am praying the offer gets accepted tomorrow,  but they have till mid-week to respond.  This house felt like home.  I am praying it will be. 

Its really impossible!

We are in the same room!  My little mountain goats climbed as soon as I turned around.  I don't think its intentional.  They aren't exactly quiet.  I would have heard the little stinkers collaborating!  I hid my laugh and ordered them down.  Those chairs aren't made to stand up to mountain goats.

No House

I am trying not to get overwhelmed,  but truthfully every 15 minutes or so "overwhelmed" sneaks up on me.  Our house here is spoken for, we have a date we have to be gone from this place and we cannot find a place to go that isn't smaller or needing work we no longer have much time to do with so many little ones.  We are talking about moving into something smaller.  When my husband brought that up yesterday I cried a little.

My kids are so rowdy.   4 boys cannot be contained in their youthful exuberance without stifling them more than I want to.  I can't imagine having to protect the furniture,  walls, and windows even more than I already do.  This winter of being so cold and nasty has made every single square foot  of the home we currently have a precious commodity, and yet I have still felt smothered at times.

I have a prayer request.  We found one house that would hold all of us easily.  We decided to put in an offer and then found out it was a short sale.  Everyone says short sales usually take forever.  I would love to have this home although currently it feels like even more than what we need.  We are getting ready to walk away from the deal and put in an offer on something that isn't nearly as perfect for us.

I know these are the concerns of a spoiled American.  Please pray God would change my heart attitude and please pray we would find the house God has picked out for us very quickly.

My Bouncy Boys

Maybe I expect too much.  I went down to our family room to play with the little boys.  They were so happy.  Without thinking they instantly began bouncing across the couches with huge grins on their faces. I warned them and they got down instantly looking sorry.  As soon as they got excited again all 3 little boys started bouncing without a thought. They got sent to their rooms but I am thinking... Little boys are happiest when they are bouncing and climbing.

  Maybe I need to provide a space in whatever home where that is okay and stop trying to fight the nature God gave them.  I get so tired of them always being in trouble and I know they do too.  They need a space that is all their own to be able to play and burn some of that energy God gave them.

Correcting and Reconnecting

That's about how my day goes all day long.  The correcting part comes easy.  I jump on that bandwagon in a split second.   I am there before I even intend to be.  Parenting so many young kids had made me very reactive... When the 2 year old is eating a sharpie, the 3 year old is playing in the sink, and the 4 year old is announcing he's big enough to collect eggs by himself that reactive thing gets intense.

BUT, I am actually learning something...  I am going to correct and I may not be Polly Perfect in my style, but I reconnect as soon as possible.  I smile at them or touch them softly or make a funny face. I behave as if I actually like them and  I show in some small way that I want to stay connected.  When I do that the tension inside them releases, sometimes a little... sometimes a lot.  We rarely have deep and meaningful conversations.  I just find a way to show a little "I like you," and it is one of the things that makes my chaotic life work a little better.

Hiding

I am hiding in my room.   They should be in bed, but they are peaceful and calm and kind to each other right now. Something magical happens at bedtime.  They get super nice and quiet, like maybe I won't notice them.  I let them think I don't.  As soon as they see me all sorts of competitive dynamics come into play.  Right now all 5 are friends and I am soaking up the peace.

A New Road

We have been wading through the adoptions process as we wait for the appeals court to finish with the case.  Every form we could sign, submit, fill out, or file is done.  I am handing the last bit of paperwork we are responsible for to the caseworker when she comes for her visit tomorrow. Everything that needs to be turned in or filed with the appellate court is done.  The docket states they are "fully briefed."  From here on out we simply wait for the judges to decide the case.

I am rushed for a couple of reasons.  The first is I want to be D-O-N-E, done, with DC$ in our lives.  This last part has been easy compared to the first part of waiting to know what was going to happen to my kids, but I guess I, or rather we, are still traumatized by the experience of it all.

That gets me to my second reason.  We were driving to a therapy appointment for the boys almost a month a month ago now.  They were terrible.  The screaming and fits, and naughty behavior was off the charts.  They screamed when I was out of sight and they screamed and they fought with my helper I brought along.  When we got home they were calmer, but still ended up being sent to their rooms.  I thought they were just having a bad day.  Then later, when all was quiet and Chi played beside me in the living room he said, "Mama, I did not like it when you left me at the visit.  I was crying for you, but I couldn't get through the door." 

I was amazed.  The visit had been a year ago.  "Chi did you think we were going to a visit today?"  We take a lot of the same roads to get to therapy.

He answered, "Mama, I don't want to cry at the visit anymore." 

Blown away.  How could this fear still exist?  I reminded him we did not have to do visits anymore.

Fast forward about 45 minutes and Obie was sent to his room for out-of-control behavior.  When I sat down to talk to him I said in exasperation, "What is with you today?!  You have been like this all day!" 

He answered, "I don't wanna see S (his biomom) Mom!  She is in blanktown and she wants to get me back!  She been there for 10 years Mom!"  

I assured him we were only going there for therapy.  I assured him visits were all done.  He answered, "I don't want to go to visits Mom.  I wanna be 'dopted like Cy!"  No, Cy is not adopted he is my biological child, but Obie on some level understands Cy's status as permanent and his as unstable.

The boys' confusion and fear touched me deeply.  I understood a lot of the in car tantrums we had been dealing with on a certain highway.  When Ryan got home I told him that maybe we should consider moving someday.  Maybe that was the best way for the boys to heal...

Well, it turns out that there just happened to be a job available.  It turns out that he just happened to be hired a week later.  It turns out we were able to accept an offer on our house just 4 days after that!  We got the offer on our house, after they trudged through an ice storm to get to the 2nd viewing and write up the paperwork.  Only God sells your house in the middle of a February ice storm people! God works in mysterious ways.

So now we are headed down a new road.  And since we already have a closing date for this house it's a rushed road.  I don't know what it looks like, we are having some trouble finding a place that will easily hold our crew that has all of our specifications.  The goats and chickens are coming along!  I know that God obviously wants this for us.  I would love for the adoption proceedings to be all ready to go when we leave this place and I would love to be able to find a great house for all of us. 

Adoption progress

The termination case continues to move slowly through the appellate court process, but things are happening. We were fingerprinted for the adoption and background checked AGAIN.  We filed our petition to adopt, gave the boys new names for official paperwork and signed lots of papers.  We also got to review the case files.

It was astonishing how much paperwork there is in what they refer to as a small case.  The case file was over 2 feet high.  In some ways it was like reliving the horrible stuff, and in some ways it was an incredible gift.

My favorite part was getting to see their newborn information and the hospitals' copies of the boys tiny foot prints.  We were given a notepad to take notes, but we used our phones and snapped pictures of things like that.  We requested copies of the medical info, but we don't know if we will get that for certain.

We pulled out the filing for termination and snapped pictures of the whole thing.  I don't know how curious our babes will be someday, but when the time is right then I believe they have a right to know their story.  All of it. 

So now I just wait for the Appellate process to complete and dream of the day when they are finally ours and the insecurity of all of this is behind us.

All The Time

I have been in the Word and on my knees and pulling together with friends to pray.  I am going to get the victory here.  I don't mean that I am going to win the battle of my will versus theirs.  I mean I am going to win my own personal battle against my own stubborn selfishness.  I am not going to do this roller coaster for the next decade.

God is so faithful to meet me where I am, but I am tired of cresting and falling. 

Here is what I know.  God works all things for the good.  I know that I was called to this life.  I know God has promised to never leave or forsake me.  Job did not let go of what he knew of God even in his darkest hours, so I think I can hang on to the promises of God even during the four hundred and seventeenth test of wills for the day.  GOD IS GOOD.  ALL THE TIME.

I hope whoever reads this realizes this blog is not about a perfect Christian Mommy. I am one who needs forgiveness for failures everyday.  It is why I need what Jesus did on the cross.  He took the payment for my sins and failures even though I did not deserve it. I hope you see this blog is about an imperfect Christian Momma who fails and fails and fails, but ALWAYS gets back up again.  My eyes are always on my Saviour.  I can't stay in the muck.  He has called me to higher places. 

Insecurity

WARNING, THIS POST ISN'T PRETTY

Some days I am still so overwhelmed by what we took on 2 years ago.  I cannot believe how much I love them, but I also cannot believe how much I still feel helpless and inadequate to meet their needs...  It hits me at least once everyday.  Everyday.

I look at other families doing this and I think, "What's wrong with me? What's wrong with us?  Shouldn't I be to the joy-filled part of this journey now?"  Don't get me wrong, I am completely aware that life is not all sunshine and roses, and that it never will be, but before all this I did not struggle with this unending sense of not measuring up, of not being enough.

Things ARE easier now, but there are certain days where Chi and/or Obie want the fight.  They just can't BE they must push back, sometimes even if there is no reason to push.

When we face those days I forget about backyard family football, worship around the kitchen table, laughter as the kids say the darndest things, and family dance parties.  The biggest thing I can think is all that doesn't mean anything if I screw them up by not knowing what to do in their worst moments.

I am scared that their story of their life will not be a story of redemption and salvation it will be the story of how I failed them.  These thoughts haunt me.  They bring fear to interactions where I should be confident,  they make me tired before I even start my day.

I know I am being put through the fire to be refined, but I am starting to lose hope that I can ever feel like a capable Mom again.  It doesn't really matter how I feel.  I will get up and feed my kids, and hug my kids, and take care of them.  I just wish I did not dread my potential for failure for the day.

I can only say, "Thank you God." Because we do have healing happening, we do have joy, and we do have love.  I  know this is through God alone and not through my works.  Thank God for his faithfulness to these babes.