Well I have a lot of things knocking around in my head today...
We pulled the kids out of private school and are going back to homeschooling. It was good timing with the break and we are just a homeschool family at heart so this is what is best for us.
I do not want a visit tomorrow! I have the first family showing up tomorrow and I don't want the boys to be processing new people AND a visit. Yes, and selfishly they are my babies and it breaks Tyke's heart, and I hate watching them drive away.
I keep worrying the boys will be sent home after the next court date Dec. 5th. I don't know why I just keep thinking they are going to go. I suppose its some weird fear of loss and seeing other children go places they should not.
Caseworker asked me if I am going to speak about the boys at court. It was sort of random. I guess if I am allowed I will make a statement. I just don't know what all to say or not to say. I've never done this before.
I have been dieting and exercising more regularly so I can eat on Thanksgiving relatively guilt-free. I am down 3 lbs. Really, I needed to diet so I wouldn't have to spend more money on jeans. Thanksgiving is a good excuse too though. I actually just need to stop putting back on what I take off. That's a lot harder though. I decided to run 3 miles a few days ago. I ran maybe like 1/10th of the distance and mostly I just walked. Yes, that was a few days ago. The kid logistics are hard. I pushed baby in the stroller and that was way too hard! My neck and shoulder were so sore. Apparently I can't even push a stroller correctly.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Getting Ready
I have family showing up here in a couple of days and I am getting ready. It is so much harder to get ready for things now. I can't just clean an area and banish 2 kids to another area. It's five kids in a house that is just perfect for our size family. It isn't too big or too small. That being said, when I try to clean that can be a major headache as all rooms can get messed up at the same time.
Cy is getting good at helping out, but at 8 years old his help isn't always reliable and forget about the rest of them. They want to "help" for something to do, and that is sweet, but I usually have to redo it.'
Here's the thing... My Mom, my sister, her kids, and my brother are all coming. They love me and don't judge. The house could be a shambles and they wouldn't care, but I also have some very neat and tidy relatives coming and a messy house would make them uncomfortable so I really want to have it nice. I hope I get it all done, but if I don't I will make sure to have my air freshners all filled and the nice smell will make people think clean!
Seriously though, I am over the moon happy to see my family, I just hope I can set aside all the worry and soak up my family.
On a sad note, Tyke got scared when he learned my brother was coming. He said, "He's going to hurt me!" Now Tyke has never met my brother. We have had several talks now about my nice brother and how he is nice like Grandma L and Aunt D that he has met already. He got excited after that, but I am bracing myself to have to help the boys with the crowd of family that is coming into their domain.
Cy is getting good at helping out, but at 8 years old his help isn't always reliable and forget about the rest of them. They want to "help" for something to do, and that is sweet, but I usually have to redo it.'
Here's the thing... My Mom, my sister, her kids, and my brother are all coming. They love me and don't judge. The house could be a shambles and they wouldn't care, but I also have some very neat and tidy relatives coming and a messy house would make them uncomfortable so I really want to have it nice. I hope I get it all done, but if I don't I will make sure to have my air freshners all filled and the nice smell will make people think clean!
Seriously though, I am over the moon happy to see my family, I just hope I can set aside all the worry and soak up my family.
On a sad note, Tyke got scared when he learned my brother was coming. He said, "He's going to hurt me!" Now Tyke has never met my brother. We have had several talks now about my nice brother and how he is nice like Grandma L and Aunt D that he has met already. He got excited after that, but I am bracing myself to have to help the boys with the crowd of family that is coming into their domain.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Good Advice
I was given some good advice last night from a fellow foster mom. Her children were similarly abused and had major fear issues with visits.
She told me that at first she also coerced her kids into going. She told them it was going to be all right etc. Then one day she just stopped. She made the visit supervisor get them and strap them in and she did not tell them it was going to be alright. Like me, she felt like she could not promise that.
One day her youngest girl went and hid in a closet. The visit supervisor dragged her out screaming. That was a turning point in her case.
She advised me to let my boys feel however they feel. Don't tell them it will be fun or good or even okay because I have no idea if it is fun or good or okay for them. Let the visit supervisor deal with their feelings and when it is no longer easy for the visit supervisor then, maybe just maybe, someone will respect the boys feelings.
I am definitely going to take this tack from now on. If you were the victim of violent crimes, how would you feel if the person you trusted most made you go and see your abuser repeatedly? Not only made you go, but they also minimized your feelings and told you it would be okay.
I know my boys are young, but I cannot tell them how to feel, and I can't promise them that they will like the visit or that it will be okay. I have no idea what kind of ride I am in for. I worry about the boys emotional state if I don't help them calmly accept things, but THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO CALMLY ACCEPT THIS CRAP!
Sorry to "yell" but this is ridiculous. I am so tired of it and if they take the boys because I won't "play along" then they take them. Its all in God's hands anyway right?
She told me that at first she also coerced her kids into going. She told them it was going to be all right etc. Then one day she just stopped. She made the visit supervisor get them and strap them in and she did not tell them it was going to be alright. Like me, she felt like she could not promise that.
One day her youngest girl went and hid in a closet. The visit supervisor dragged her out screaming. That was a turning point in her case.
She advised me to let my boys feel however they feel. Don't tell them it will be fun or good or even okay because I have no idea if it is fun or good or okay for them. Let the visit supervisor deal with their feelings and when it is no longer easy for the visit supervisor then, maybe just maybe, someone will respect the boys feelings.
I am definitely going to take this tack from now on. If you were the victim of violent crimes, how would you feel if the person you trusted most made you go and see your abuser repeatedly? Not only made you go, but they also minimized your feelings and told you it would be okay.
I know my boys are young, but I cannot tell them how to feel, and I can't promise them that they will like the visit or that it will be okay. I have no idea what kind of ride I am in for. I worry about the boys emotional state if I don't help them calmly accept things, but THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO CALMLY ACCEPT THIS CRAP!
Sorry to "yell" but this is ridiculous. I am so tired of it and if they take the boys because I won't "play along" then they take them. Its all in God's hands anyway right?
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Futile Protest
Again this morning Tyke said, "No, I don't wanna go see her!" Again this morning he ran to me for a hug, "You my mom!"
New this morning, Tyke fought the visit supervisor. He wouldn't sit in his seat, he wouldn't let her buckle him. He cried for me the whole time. He said, "I don't want her! You Mom, I want you!"
After the struggle to buckle Tyke was finished the visit supervisor turned to me and said, "It's only going to keep getting worse."
I told her it was getting harder on me too. Then I came inside and cried. Tyke's words and cries fall on deaf ears. For me it is a few hours without them, but for him it is torture and we do it to him over, and over, and over again. I hate visit mornings.
New this morning, Tyke fought the visit supervisor. He wouldn't sit in his seat, he wouldn't let her buckle him. He cried for me the whole time. He said, "I don't want her! You Mom, I want you!"
After the struggle to buckle Tyke was finished the visit supervisor turned to me and said, "It's only going to keep getting worse."
I told her it was getting harder on me too. Then I came inside and cried. Tyke's words and cries fall on deaf ears. For me it is a few hours without them, but for him it is torture and we do it to him over, and over, and over again. I hate visit mornings.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Fantasizing
I was working in my kitchen and I realized my socks were getting wet. That was really frustrating since we just replaced our dishwasher. I got a rag to handle the clean up and realized there were strings of water all over the kitchen. Understanding dawned... Baby "Slobber-Bucket" strikes again. Someone is always making work for me so I won't have to worry if I am needed.
I worked my tail off yesterday and today the house is a mess again. How do they do that?! I fantasize about being 55 and the kids all gone and I will make some cute quaint meal for the hubs and myself and we will munch while sharing some quiet conversation and then take our two plates to the sink and wipe them down and wipe down our not very dirty counter and table and then go sit on our front porch and admire the view. People have some very strange fantasies. I just fantasize about two plates, oh yeah and small loads of laundry, and shoeless living rooms. Not that I don't love my loud, messy, slobbery, children who leave what I will call "shoe droppings" everywhere, because I do love them to pieces. Its just when I am sobbing as the last one heads off to make their own way in the world part of me is going to be really excited about dinner for 2!
I worked my tail off yesterday and today the house is a mess again. How do they do that?! I fantasize about being 55 and the kids all gone and I will make some cute quaint meal for the hubs and myself and we will munch while sharing some quiet conversation and then take our two plates to the sink and wipe them down and wipe down our not very dirty counter and table and then go sit on our front porch and admire the view. People have some very strange fantasies. I just fantasize about two plates, oh yeah and small loads of laundry, and shoeless living rooms. Not that I don't love my loud, messy, slobbery, children who leave what I will call "shoe droppings" everywhere, because I do love them to pieces. Its just when I am sobbing as the last one heads off to make their own way in the world part of me is going to be really excited about dinner for 2!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Reruns
Tyke has been having a really hard time since the visit last week. He is usually "over it" by now. He is going back to some old behaviors. He is sucking his thumb again and digging at his skin to the point of damage. He is trying to control every situation. If you want him to go slow he will go fast. If you want him to go fast he will go slow. If you say its time to sit he will stand and if you say its time to stand he will lay down (in the middle of children's church on the floor). He is hungry when it isn't time to eat and he is full when we sit down to eat. Its all about control. He tells me he is sick one minute and the next he is displaying manic behaviors. He is also acting out scenes from his past again and trying to involve me in them. I haven't seen that in a very very long time. I am sad.
I don't know what to do about it. It's the visit. He is tangled up inside. It's the fact that he knows she wants him back. He is a mess! I want to hold him and tell him he's mine forever because I know that is what he wants to hear, but I can't tell him that because I don't know what his future holds. Maybe I did something really wrong by telling him Mommy S loves him and wants him to come back to her home. I just really don't feel like I can continue not to talk about that and then it is just another violent change in his life.
I pray bio-momma gives up her rights. I know she can change, and be redeemed, and healed, and all of that, but Tyke needs to be free from that. The places I see him regressing to... He is going back to old ugly stuff because of ONE visit, what will happen when he is in her home and so ready and able to pick up old patterns?
I realized that God has been working and reworking me to this place of compassion for bio-mom. I really feel like I am getting it. The other night I prayed and I told God I was laying my will on the altar so I could be exactly what he wanted. I was sad to lay my will down because then how could I do what was best for the boys if I had a heart for her? Then within a few minutes after praying that fear lifted. I could see clearly maybe for the first time.
I am to pray for her and love her and seek God's will in all of our lives, but I being used by God in the role of advocate for these boys. To the best of my knowledge I am advocating and praying on Tyke, Tot, and Baby's behalf and for their best interests. Wherever my judgement is wrong I trust that God will correct it, and correct the course, but I can only fulfill my role and not become embittered in the process.
Another cool thing... Saturday night I was speaking to God in a very logical prayer about my "options" and what would God like me to do given my failings as I see them and the limitations of the system, etc.
I turned on the radio after this prayer time and the next program on featured the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths." Proverbs 3:5 It was yet another gentle reminder from the Lord that I don't have to have the plan, I only need to submit. When I think of that verse I just imagine that out of nowhere the Lord puts the path under my feet. If I just walk daily submitting to his will I don't have to look to the right or left to find my way. He is just going to make the path for me right where I am.
Oh yeah, and in Sunday School I heard about how a Mother Giraffe kicked her newborn calf repeatedly to get it to stand because she was "protecting" the baby by getting it to walk. Then when the baby giraffe finally stood up, she kicked it again and knocked it down. The person watching asked the zoologist why and the zoologist answered that she wanted the baby to remember how to get up. I realized that God has been using this whole process to bring me repeatedly to the place of surrendering my will. I have been asking God (accusingly) why he is making me go through this again and again. Why can't we just get to the next part already?! Then I realized that God is a little like that Momma giraffe. He is putting me in a difficult place so I will learn to do the hard things. When I think I have mastered surrender I often feel like I get kicked (tested) again and I learn again how to surrender. One of these days I pray my surrender will be as second nature to me as standing up.
See? I told you God was working on me!
I don't know what to do about it. It's the visit. He is tangled up inside. It's the fact that he knows she wants him back. He is a mess! I want to hold him and tell him he's mine forever because I know that is what he wants to hear, but I can't tell him that because I don't know what his future holds. Maybe I did something really wrong by telling him Mommy S loves him and wants him to come back to her home. I just really don't feel like I can continue not to talk about that and then it is just another violent change in his life.
I pray bio-momma gives up her rights. I know she can change, and be redeemed, and healed, and all of that, but Tyke needs to be free from that. The places I see him regressing to... He is going back to old ugly stuff because of ONE visit, what will happen when he is in her home and so ready and able to pick up old patterns?
I realized that God has been working and reworking me to this place of compassion for bio-mom. I really feel like I am getting it. The other night I prayed and I told God I was laying my will on the altar so I could be exactly what he wanted. I was sad to lay my will down because then how could I do what was best for the boys if I had a heart for her? Then within a few minutes after praying that fear lifted. I could see clearly maybe for the first time.
I am to pray for her and love her and seek God's will in all of our lives, but I being used by God in the role of advocate for these boys. To the best of my knowledge I am advocating and praying on Tyke, Tot, and Baby's behalf and for their best interests. Wherever my judgement is wrong I trust that God will correct it, and correct the course, but I can only fulfill my role and not become embittered in the process.
Another cool thing... Saturday night I was speaking to God in a very logical prayer about my "options" and what would God like me to do given my failings as I see them and the limitations of the system, etc.
I turned on the radio after this prayer time and the next program on featured the verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths." Proverbs 3:5 It was yet another gentle reminder from the Lord that I don't have to have the plan, I only need to submit. When I think of that verse I just imagine that out of nowhere the Lord puts the path under my feet. If I just walk daily submitting to his will I don't have to look to the right or left to find my way. He is just going to make the path for me right where I am.
Oh yeah, and in Sunday School I heard about how a Mother Giraffe kicked her newborn calf repeatedly to get it to stand because she was "protecting" the baby by getting it to walk. Then when the baby giraffe finally stood up, she kicked it again and knocked it down. The person watching asked the zoologist why and the zoologist answered that she wanted the baby to remember how to get up. I realized that God has been using this whole process to bring me repeatedly to the place of surrendering my will. I have been asking God (accusingly) why he is making me go through this again and again. Why can't we just get to the next part already?! Then I realized that God is a little like that Momma giraffe. He is putting me in a difficult place so I will learn to do the hard things. When I think I have mastered surrender I often feel like I get kicked (tested) again and I learn again how to surrender. One of these days I pray my surrender will be as second nature to me as standing up.
See? I told you God was working on me!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Musings and More
Some random thoughts...
I am looking around at a big ol' mess. I have to do something about it. It's just... I did something about it yesterday and my inner child wants to know why I have to clean it up if it's just going to get messy again.
I am on my diet again. I am determined to knock off a few pounds before the family arrives for Thanksgiving. I can eat guilt free! I like the food I get to eat, omlettes and salads, etc. I just like convenience foods more. Later today I will probably be craving something unhealthy.
Ryan is off on another Saturday project. That man is a worker, but when he's out cutting wood on a beautiful day like today he usually comes home pretty jolly. He took Liv with him. She loves to work beside Daddy. I do believe she even helped with some metal fabrication last night. My crazy six year old loves tractors and pretty dresses equally.
Cy, Tyke, and Tot are having a friendly day. I like that. I like watching the boys just have a good time together.
Baby is sleeping. It is early for nap, but he has been tired. He wants to go all the time now that he can walk and I think he's wearing himself out.
Oh yeah, I sent a letter to my caseworker and her supervisor letting them know about Wednesday's visit. Long story short, Tyke pleaded not to go, but "we" made him. He was behaving in wild erratic ways and the visit supervisor told me I should put him in timeout when she brought him back. I only sat him down while we finished our quick follow-up conversation. He had wild and erratic behavior for several hours after the visit, but calmed down later and I took him to church that night. Mistake. He was basically running, and rolling, and flipping, anything to be in control of the situation and keep hands off of him. Even if it upsets the caseworker and her supervisor to hear it, Tyke is going downhill even as bio-mom improves in her showing up for visits. I am still praying for bio-mom, but Tyke will need major prayer too if he is to ever accept or trust her.
I am looking around at a big ol' mess. I have to do something about it. It's just... I did something about it yesterday and my inner child wants to know why I have to clean it up if it's just going to get messy again.
I am on my diet again. I am determined to knock off a few pounds before the family arrives for Thanksgiving. I can eat guilt free! I like the food I get to eat, omlettes and salads, etc. I just like convenience foods more. Later today I will probably be craving something unhealthy.
Ryan is off on another Saturday project. That man is a worker, but when he's out cutting wood on a beautiful day like today he usually comes home pretty jolly. He took Liv with him. She loves to work beside Daddy. I do believe she even helped with some metal fabrication last night. My crazy six year old loves tractors and pretty dresses equally.
Cy, Tyke, and Tot are having a friendly day. I like that. I like watching the boys just have a good time together.
Baby is sleeping. It is early for nap, but he has been tired. He wants to go all the time now that he can walk and I think he's wearing himself out.
Oh yeah, I sent a letter to my caseworker and her supervisor letting them know about Wednesday's visit. Long story short, Tyke pleaded not to go, but "we" made him. He was behaving in wild erratic ways and the visit supervisor told me I should put him in timeout when she brought him back. I only sat him down while we finished our quick follow-up conversation. He had wild and erratic behavior for several hours after the visit, but calmed down later and I took him to church that night. Mistake. He was basically running, and rolling, and flipping, anything to be in control of the situation and keep hands off of him. Even if it upsets the caseworker and her supervisor to hear it, Tyke is going downhill even as bio-mom improves in her showing up for visits. I am still praying for bio-mom, but Tyke will need major prayer too if he is to ever accept or trust her.
Friday, November 9, 2012
I tried...
I want to blog at how faithful God has been and how patient he has been to quiet my heart and help me rest in him... but I can't cause Baby is walking now and he keeps toddling up and banging on the keyboard. He sure does love his new tricks.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Meltdown
Yeah, I had a meltdown today. I threw pillows and sobbed the whole bit. I am grieving, not the loss of my boys, but the eventual loss. I am beginning to believe they will be reunited. I want you all to understand something. My boys were _____ (I decided to omit the word) ... repeatedly. No one is willing to go out on a limb to protect them, so the reunification train is chugging forward.
I have to be honest so you can understand my state of mind. My guy didn't win last night. so that was a bummer, the boys left me for a visit, so that was a bummer, the visit supervisor brought them home talking about adding more visits, so that was a bummer, and Tyke hit me. Tot still hits in frustration, but Tyke hasn't hit me in a loooong time. I knew he was having those big feelings and whatever, he took it out on me. Unfortunately my feelings were really big at that moment so I responded in anger too. I had to deal with him and I was so frustrated because I knew it was all precipitated by the visit.
Adding last nights' results and all those little disappointments on visit days to my big feelings and I realized I don't know anything and I hate that. God will do what he will do, but I am out of the loop.
While I was alone I forced myself to pray for bio-mom again. Through my tears and screaming I forced myself to pray for her. Then I pulled myself together a bit and I went to Tyke's room so we could talk it out. I told him that Mommy S is trying to do a good job so she can bring him back to her home. I told him she doesn't want to hurt him she wants to do good for him, and he cried. I cried too. I told him I loved him so much, that my love was so big and that I loved him just as much as I loved Cy and Liv and Baby and Tot. He hugged me and cried.
I hate meltdowns. I am calm now. Maybe He will let me keep them and I will never have to worry about them being _____ again. If they go back I can't imagine how I will live with my fears. I can't imagine how I will offer hope to anyone else, but I know that Jesus loves me and he loves my boys. The Bible tells me so.
I have to be honest so you can understand my state of mind. My guy didn't win last night. so that was a bummer, the boys left me for a visit, so that was a bummer, the visit supervisor brought them home talking about adding more visits, so that was a bummer, and Tyke hit me. Tot still hits in frustration, but Tyke hasn't hit me in a loooong time. I knew he was having those big feelings and whatever, he took it out on me. Unfortunately my feelings were really big at that moment so I responded in anger too. I had to deal with him and I was so frustrated because I knew it was all precipitated by the visit.
Adding last nights' results and all those little disappointments on visit days to my big feelings and I realized I don't know anything and I hate that. God will do what he will do, but I am out of the loop.
While I was alone I forced myself to pray for bio-mom again. Through my tears and screaming I forced myself to pray for her. Then I pulled myself together a bit and I went to Tyke's room so we could talk it out. I told him that Mommy S is trying to do a good job so she can bring him back to her home. I told him she doesn't want to hurt him she wants to do good for him, and he cried. I cried too. I told him I loved him so much, that my love was so big and that I loved him just as much as I loved Cy and Liv and Baby and Tot. He hugged me and cried.
I hate meltdowns. I am calm now. Maybe He will let me keep them and I will never have to worry about them being _____ again. If they go back I can't imagine how I will live with my fears. I can't imagine how I will offer hope to anyone else, but I know that Jesus loves me and he loves my boys. The Bible tells me so.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Oh the Craziness
Well, Tot has been a real struggle for me. He does things that any 2 year old would do, but he does them to such excess.
On the way to church Wednesday night he actually got to sit in a row in the van by himself. I am used to something starting with Tot and someone every time we try to go anywhere. There appears to be hitting, screaming, and general trouble. Well Wednesday night he was sitting all by himself. He flailed, he writhed, he screamed, he flopped his arms all over until finally he whacked himself in the eye. In the same tattle tale voice he uses to tell on whoever sits by him normally he said, "Momeeeeee, I hit myself in the eye!" We all hid our laughter. He had to have a disagreement with someone and with no one available he chose himself.
Yesterday I think Tot, cried, whined, screamed, stomped, and flailed more than he had calm moments. He ran from me every time I called him for a diaper change, or nap, or to eat, or to help him get his shoes on. I have been berating myself fiercely for not being more patient with Tot. Today it hit me, I AM patient with him. I am soooo patient, but I just don't have endless reserves. In the afternoon he was happily playing outside for about 2 seconds. I passed out cookies for snack (I am trying to use up all the fall treats we have been receiving in the mail from family members). Tot shoved the entire thing in his mouth and then proceeded to point and sob and scream through the cookie because he didn't have a cookie!
At one point I got so upset because he was fighting me for a diaper change and I was trying to avoid a mess. He got corrected, but I knew, I mean I KNEW that he absolutely did not get it and the behavior was going to repeat itself. Sometimes all he does is hold himself still. Its deer in the headlights look and I know nothing is going in. I have to calm him down, get eye contact, try to simplify the message and 50% of the time or more I still don't think he gets it. The reality is in that moment I still needed to get supper, pick up a crying baby, make sure Cy fed the chickens, supervise homework, stop Tyke from climbing the outside of the stair railing, and just finish the stinking diaper change. I know Dr. Purvis, I am supposed to stop everything, take my time and get eye contact, and use gentle touch and a gentle voice, and increase his sense of "felt safety," but all I have time for (actually I don't really have time) is a quick poopy diaper change. Those are the moments when I just desperately need a break and there is none to be had.
At some point I wised up and I cried out to God for help. He answered me and the day calmed down a bit. Today seems to be better. Whew! This stuff is hard hard hard. I wish I could afford a babysitter and a break tonight. Maybe after bedtime I will eat like 3 cookies in a row, with milk, and I won't allow myself to feel guilty. Then I will rush to spend some alone time with my husband because he needs me too.
On the way to church Wednesday night he actually got to sit in a row in the van by himself. I am used to something starting with Tot and someone every time we try to go anywhere. There appears to be hitting, screaming, and general trouble. Well Wednesday night he was sitting all by himself. He flailed, he writhed, he screamed, he flopped his arms all over until finally he whacked himself in the eye. In the same tattle tale voice he uses to tell on whoever sits by him normally he said, "Momeeeeee, I hit myself in the eye!" We all hid our laughter. He had to have a disagreement with someone and with no one available he chose himself.
Yesterday I think Tot, cried, whined, screamed, stomped, and flailed more than he had calm moments. He ran from me every time I called him for a diaper change, or nap, or to eat, or to help him get his shoes on. I have been berating myself fiercely for not being more patient with Tot. Today it hit me, I AM patient with him. I am soooo patient, but I just don't have endless reserves. In the afternoon he was happily playing outside for about 2 seconds. I passed out cookies for snack (I am trying to use up all the fall treats we have been receiving in the mail from family members). Tot shoved the entire thing in his mouth and then proceeded to point and sob and scream through the cookie because he didn't have a cookie!
At one point I got so upset because he was fighting me for a diaper change and I was trying to avoid a mess. He got corrected, but I knew, I mean I KNEW that he absolutely did not get it and the behavior was going to repeat itself. Sometimes all he does is hold himself still. Its deer in the headlights look and I know nothing is going in. I have to calm him down, get eye contact, try to simplify the message and 50% of the time or more I still don't think he gets it. The reality is in that moment I still needed to get supper, pick up a crying baby, make sure Cy fed the chickens, supervise homework, stop Tyke from climbing the outside of the stair railing, and just finish the stinking diaper change. I know Dr. Purvis, I am supposed to stop everything, take my time and get eye contact, and use gentle touch and a gentle voice, and increase his sense of "felt safety," but all I have time for (actually I don't really have time) is a quick poopy diaper change. Those are the moments when I just desperately need a break and there is none to be had.
At some point I wised up and I cried out to God for help. He answered me and the day calmed down a bit. Today seems to be better. Whew! This stuff is hard hard hard. I wish I could afford a babysitter and a break tonight. Maybe after bedtime I will eat like 3 cookies in a row, with milk, and I won't allow myself to feel guilty. Then I will rush to spend some alone time with my husband because he needs me too.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Jonah
You know the story of Jonah most likely. A prophet of the Lord, he is told by God to go and tell and the evil city of Ninevah to change its ways or it will be destroyed. Jonah doesn't want the job. He runs away and gets swallowed up by a great fish after being thrown overboard (I am leaving out details obviously). Jonah prays and 3 days later the fish chucks him out and God tells Jonah, "Go deliver my message" and Jonah does. Then Jonah waits in anger for the Lord to deliver the punishment the people of Ninevah have coming. He waits and gets angry with God. God doesn't destroy the city, but shows mercy because the people repent due to Jonah's message. Jonah is angry and God lets him know that he prefers mercy and Jonah should want the same.
Well, last night I realized something. I am Jonah. For the first time ever in hearing the Jonah story I actually sympathized with Jonah. The people of Ninevah did evil things. Bio-mom has done evil things. They hurt the Israelites and for all we know they may have hurt some people Jonah himself cared very deeply for. Bio-mom has caused pain in 3 boys I love very much. Then God has the audacity to ask Jonah to help deliver a message that would help this city get mercy instead of retribution. God is asking me to pray for bio-mom and seek her salvation and redemption. Jonah got mad and rejected God's request for awhile. I got mad and ignored God's request for awhile.
I am still struggling here. I wonder... Did Jonah think Yes God, I delivered your message. Yes, they all appear to be repenting, but how do I know they won't behead anymore of my friends? They will just go back to their old ways. And their old ways were evil and full of violence and perversion. Jonah had to question whether God could really set people free from that. He had to question whether his message was ultimately going to cause more pain to those he loved, while God gave more time to the lost souls of Ninevah.
Jonah is so angry at being a part of God's mercy that he claims multiple times he would rather die. I say that in my own way. I know in my heart I would rather walk away from everything than be a part of sending the boys or any children back home to be further abused. I have MAJOR trust issues here, but they aren't with her, they are with God.
As we read through Jonah last night and I heard all the usual responses of how wrong Jonah was I wanted to shout, "DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN JONAH IS IN???" Letting go of certain atrocities to play a part in God bring forgiveness and redemption to certain people is no easy thing. This man was a prophet, a man favored by the Lord of all heaven to communicate with, and he struggled with his sense of justice and God's sense of mercy.
In the end we see that Jonah's struggle is futile. God is a God of mercy and he rescues the people of Ninevah from themselves and he tries to do the same for Jonah's sinful attitude. It is up to Jonah to decide whether he is willing to see things God's way, but that doesn't change God's Way. No amount of pouting or shouting is going to change who He is
I am not going to stay an angry Jonah towards bio-mom. This doesn't serve myself or my Father. I am taking steps even though they hurt and even though I struggle with some cynicism. My first step in reaching out was a little note and some pictures of the boys. My next step in walking away from my Jonah attitude is my prayer. I am praying for bio-mom's redemption and salvation. I am praying for her with my heart and not just my lips ( I pray also that we would be able to adopt the boys because I do want them to stay here forever). Today as the play therapist shared plans for partnering with bio-mom to help her turn things around I made a conscious choice to lay down my anger (after about 10-20 minutes of fretting. I am not gonna lie here.) Ultimately, I pray I will have the grace to promote and accept God's Way because there really is no other road to peace.
Well, last night I realized something. I am Jonah. For the first time ever in hearing the Jonah story I actually sympathized with Jonah. The people of Ninevah did evil things. Bio-mom has done evil things. They hurt the Israelites and for all we know they may have hurt some people Jonah himself cared very deeply for. Bio-mom has caused pain in 3 boys I love very much. Then God has the audacity to ask Jonah to help deliver a message that would help this city get mercy instead of retribution. God is asking me to pray for bio-mom and seek her salvation and redemption. Jonah got mad and rejected God's request for awhile. I got mad and ignored God's request for awhile.
I am still struggling here. I wonder... Did Jonah think Yes God, I delivered your message. Yes, they all appear to be repenting, but how do I know they won't behead anymore of my friends? They will just go back to their old ways. And their old ways were evil and full of violence and perversion. Jonah had to question whether God could really set people free from that. He had to question whether his message was ultimately going to cause more pain to those he loved, while God gave more time to the lost souls of Ninevah.
Jonah is so angry at being a part of God's mercy that he claims multiple times he would rather die. I say that in my own way. I know in my heart I would rather walk away from everything than be a part of sending the boys or any children back home to be further abused. I have MAJOR trust issues here, but they aren't with her, they are with God.
As we read through Jonah last night and I heard all the usual responses of how wrong Jonah was I wanted to shout, "DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH PAIN JONAH IS IN???" Letting go of certain atrocities to play a part in God bring forgiveness and redemption to certain people is no easy thing. This man was a prophet, a man favored by the Lord of all heaven to communicate with, and he struggled with his sense of justice and God's sense of mercy.
In the end we see that Jonah's struggle is futile. God is a God of mercy and he rescues the people of Ninevah from themselves and he tries to do the same for Jonah's sinful attitude. It is up to Jonah to decide whether he is willing to see things God's way, but that doesn't change God's Way. No amount of pouting or shouting is going to change who He is
I am not going to stay an angry Jonah towards bio-mom. This doesn't serve myself or my Father. I am taking steps even though they hurt and even though I struggle with some cynicism. My first step in reaching out was a little note and some pictures of the boys. My next step in walking away from my Jonah attitude is my prayer. I am praying for bio-mom's redemption and salvation. I am praying for her with my heart and not just my lips ( I pray also that we would be able to adopt the boys because I do want them to stay here forever). Today as the play therapist shared plans for partnering with bio-mom to help her turn things around I made a conscious choice to lay down my anger (after about 10-20 minutes of fretting. I am not gonna lie here.) Ultimately, I pray I will have the grace to promote and accept God's Way because there really is no other road to peace.
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