Yeah, I had a meltdown today. I threw pillows and sobbed the whole bit. I am grieving, not the loss of my boys, but the eventual loss. I am beginning to believe they will be reunited. I want you all to understand something. My boys were _____ (I decided to omit the word) ... repeatedly. No one is willing to go out on a limb to protect them, so the reunification train is chugging forward.
I have to be honest so you can understand my state of mind. My guy didn't win last night. so that was a bummer, the boys left me for a visit, so that was a bummer, the visit supervisor brought them home talking about adding more visits, so that was a bummer, and Tyke hit me. Tot still hits in frustration, but Tyke hasn't hit me in a loooong time. I knew he was having those big feelings and whatever, he took it out on me. Unfortunately my feelings were really big at that moment so I responded in anger too. I had to deal with him and I was so frustrated because I knew it was all precipitated by the visit.
Adding last nights' results and all those little disappointments on visit days to my big feelings and I realized I don't know anything and I hate that. God will do what he will do, but I am out of the loop.
While I was alone I forced myself to pray for bio-mom again. Through my tears and screaming I forced myself to pray for her. Then I pulled myself together a bit and I went to Tyke's room so we could talk it out. I told him that Mommy S is trying to do a good job so she can bring him back to her home. I told him she doesn't want to hurt him she wants to do good for him, and he cried. I cried too. I told him I loved him so much, that my love was so big and that I loved him just as much as I loved Cy and Liv and Baby and Tot. He hugged me and cried.
I hate meltdowns. I am calm now. Maybe He will let me keep them and I will never have to worry about them being _____ again. If they go back I can't imagine how I will live with my fears. I can't imagine how I will offer hope to anyone else, but I know that Jesus loves me and he loves my boys. The Bible tells me so.
Dear Mandy,
ReplyDeleteI have just read through several of your posts and I couldn't decide which to comment on because I have "been through" all of them. I am commenting here because I can offer you hope and I promise someday you will be able to do the same. We were foster parents too and now we are the adoptive parents of three through the foster care system. It sounds so simple and easy, right there in one sentence. The reality is, it was anything but. My older two are siblings who came to us at ages 4 and 20 months after nearly a year of disrupted placements. They were with us for 18 months and were returned to their birth mother. There was little we could do and we were devestated. My kids had been terribly abused and neglected and had no desire to be reunified but the system is not set up to "hear" or "accept" the whole story and they went back. The system is man-made and broken and cannot be trusted to do what is right, but God can. Two years after being returned to their birth mother, our kids came back to us - that was three and a half years ago. In the interim God blessed us with a 5 week old baby boy who we adopted at the age of 18 months. My older two are now adopted as well. It has not been easy but God can be trusted. There is always hope. I will be praying for you and your boys. The visits are hard and are re-traumatizing. Keep praying. The unknown is excruciating. Keep praying. Moment to moment. Keep praying. I will be praying too. Danielle B.