I was talking with a good friend who got a way for a couple of days. She has 6 kids and she is devoted to protecting and providing for them. Three of her kids have been adopted for just a little over a year. As a result she rarely if ever glances up and takes a breath from meeting their needs.
I am the same way. Babysitters happen only when absolutely necessary, and they are coached extensively. We keep kids out of children's church because of behavior spirals. We sit with them in Sunday School class. We are asked to stay close to the classroom for Wednesday nights. I deal with constantly coaching myself to parent in a way that will not create a downward spiral. I constantly teach, nurture, correct, coach, and sustain little ones. We participate in therapy. Then there is laundry. That deserves it's own section. We are always about our childrens' needs. This is true of many mothers, not just moms in a foster or adoptive situation. All day of nearly everyday is all about them, and that is a good thing, but... we forget who we are. We sometimes even let their attitudes decide who we are today.
When my friend got away she said the same thing I did on my last little escape. "I felt like I was just ME!" There is something so rejuvenating about remembering who we are and what we love. There is something refreshing about remembering that there is a fountain of laughter inside that wants to come out. In the hard days of parenting we settle for finding ironic puffs of humor in the insanity, but that is not a fountain, that is a pitiful squirt.
I am learning through this process that all of the mushy talk in the beginning, about making time for yourself in this process is actually incredibly important. When we are constantly trying to get inside of our children's brains to help heal and grow, or just plain subvert the anarchy, we forget to remember who we are. We have to remember that there is life after all of this crazy.
What makes me happy? What energizes me? Why am I just plain cute and fun? Taking time a little time to do the things that bring me energizing joy leaves more of the best parts of me for my little ones and that can't be a bad thing.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, November 11, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Waiting For A Breeze
I have felt the pull for quite some time that even with all the work and all the drama the Lord was not done building our family. I believe I have mentioned that here before. I have done nothing toward that "goal." I don't even feel right calling it that. It was just more like something out there waiting to be discovered. For a long time since the idea first nudged me I was pushing it away. There was no way I could do more. Life is far from easy already. There is no way Ryan could do more. The stretching it took for God to lead us here was pretty uncomfortable at times.
Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger. Are you willing? I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able. Of course HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.
A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again. I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me. I thought of my home. I thought "I have room for one more." How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?
I only prayed. I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW. I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching. I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan. One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk. I STILL didn't bring it up. I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation.
Then I saw his eyes get droopy. I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me. I knew exactly what would wake him up. "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?" Yep, that got his attention all right. The shocker was for me though. He was completely on board.
At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake." My jaw kind of dropped. I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago. Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids. It seems as though God has been preparing us both.
So where do we go from here? Well, I am not sure. We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now. We are very focused on completing this first adoption process. I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze. We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now. I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now, we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.
Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger. Are you willing? I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able. Of course HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.
A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again. I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me. I thought of my home. I thought "I have room for one more." How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?
I only prayed. I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW. I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching. I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan. One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk. I STILL didn't bring it up. I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation.
Then I saw his eyes get droopy. I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me. I knew exactly what would wake him up. "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?" Yep, that got his attention all right. The shocker was for me though. He was completely on board.
At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake." My jaw kind of dropped. I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago. Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids. It seems as though God has been preparing us both.
So where do we go from here? Well, I am not sure. We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now. We are very focused on completing this first adoption process. I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze. We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now. I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now, we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Life Right Now
Me - I'm tired and anxious about too many things. I have been having almost daily migraine headaches for the last couple weeks. I have been really tired and grouchy lately. I'm all out of my mood vitamin stuff. Gotta get more of that. So anyway, God is good, there are no visits, and termination is coming, and bills are doable. Just maybe the winter blahs? I just feel like I talk all day long. I am rereading Love and Logic . It reminds me to stop talking myself to death trying to get 5 kids to understand and cooperate.
Actually what I should be doing is a giant praise God session. God has done some amazing things in our life in the last TWO weeks. I don't want to crow too loudly, but we're DEBT FREE! Well... except for the house.
Ryan is awesome. He is a great Daddy to his kids and works hard to be a great man for me. His heart is not anywhere near the place of bringing in another child at this point. That's enough for me. We do this together or not at all.
Cy - He is mister responsible unless he's trying to be all logical in a way that will get him out of doing something. He is the worst culprit in the talk Mom to death wars. That 9 year old could talk his way around anything if I let him. He's lucky he's such a wonderful, responsible kid.
Liv - She's either off the radar, because she is being so good and easily entertaining herself or she's bringing it on too strong. She can be too screechy when she's happy or mad or sad and its like nails on chalkboard for me. I have been making an effort to go to her and give her my focus when she's off my radar. Lately she is really doing well at completing her schoolwork in a timely manner. This is HUGE for me.
Tyke - When he's adopted we will call him Obee. I think its safe to tell you that.
He is taking cues from Cy in the talk Mom to death issue. There are days when he just pushes everything. Its not that he is doing wrong outright. I give warnings and then I give consequences. We have had a lot of days where he does things one time just to get the warning and then he stops. In a 5 minutes span he might do 5 completely different things to sort of cross a boundary, but not totally. At least he stops with a warning, but seriously, its one wrong thing after another. Then he wants to talk me to death about what he did wrong. Eventually I get so frustrated about constant warnings that I send him to his room.
Sometimes I hear him in there talking to himself. It's a quiet conversation, not meant for my ears... I think. He will say, "If you wuv me, den just say you wuv me, kay? Jus say you wuv me if you wuv me, den its okay." I have no idea how these things fit in, but when I hear this quiet conversation, I always poke my head in and say, "I LOVE YOU TYKE!" He always smiles and usually adds, "I come out my room, okay?" Then I have to say its not okay because, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. More talking... but I am not letting my little guy think I don't love him.
Tot, is learning so much right now and actually showing some understanding of boundaries. So now he has A LOT of questions about boundaries, and life, and the ducks, and the chickens, and the dog, and where's Daddy, and when do we eat, when do we eat, when do we eat. We have started repeating the questions back to him and having him give the answer and that is helping, but he will still ask me the same question even after he has answered it. When one is struggling with a migraine this can be... a bit more than annoying, even though a part of me recognizes that on a better day I would probably see it as cute.
Baby, we have a fun new game we play with him. We copy Baby. We all sit around the table and start copying his hand motions, etc. You should see his eye light up when he figures out what's going on. He has everyone start hitting the table, twisting their bodies, and waving bye, bye. We have started playing it with all the kids and it is turning into our new family game. Its fun to see their personalities come out. Mr. Tyke is all "Now we are eating, Now we are sleeping, now we are brushing teeth!" Tot, doesn't talk a lot. He makes as many faces as Bill Cosby and we are all supposed to copy them. Cy's choices are very complex and tricky, and Liv, makes mostly goofy sounds and does tiny motions we have to watch carefully not to miss them.
Baby is fun, and he is cranky. He has figured out how to ask for a few things. The one I understand the best, and that he requests the most is, "Toooookeee," which for those of you that don't speak Baby is cookie, of course. He is attempting to throw things himself down when cookies aren't produced. Its annoying and hilarious. He looks up from his collapsed position seeing if he has caught our eye. If anyone is looking (and with 6 other people available someone usually is looking), then the sobs become even louder.
So anyway, I'm tired and I get too many headaches, but really I am okay. My babes are wonderful, exhausting, and needy, but that's life and I am glad to be their Momma.
Actually what I should be doing is a giant praise God session. God has done some amazing things in our life in the last TWO weeks. I don't want to crow too loudly, but we're DEBT FREE! Well... except for the house.
Ryan is awesome. He is a great Daddy to his kids and works hard to be a great man for me. His heart is not anywhere near the place of bringing in another child at this point. That's enough for me. We do this together or not at all.
Cy - He is mister responsible unless he's trying to be all logical in a way that will get him out of doing something. He is the worst culprit in the talk Mom to death wars. That 9 year old could talk his way around anything if I let him. He's lucky he's such a wonderful, responsible kid.
Liv - She's either off the radar, because she is being so good and easily entertaining herself or she's bringing it on too strong. She can be too screechy when she's happy or mad or sad and its like nails on chalkboard for me. I have been making an effort to go to her and give her my focus when she's off my radar. Lately she is really doing well at completing her schoolwork in a timely manner. This is HUGE for me.
Tyke - When he's adopted we will call him Obee. I think its safe to tell you that.
He is taking cues from Cy in the talk Mom to death issue. There are days when he just pushes everything. Its not that he is doing wrong outright. I give warnings and then I give consequences. We have had a lot of days where he does things one time just to get the warning and then he stops. In a 5 minutes span he might do 5 completely different things to sort of cross a boundary, but not totally. At least he stops with a warning, but seriously, its one wrong thing after another. Then he wants to talk me to death about what he did wrong. Eventually I get so frustrated about constant warnings that I send him to his room.
Sometimes I hear him in there talking to himself. It's a quiet conversation, not meant for my ears... I think. He will say, "If you wuv me, den just say you wuv me, kay? Jus say you wuv me if you wuv me, den its okay." I have no idea how these things fit in, but when I hear this quiet conversation, I always poke my head in and say, "I LOVE YOU TYKE!" He always smiles and usually adds, "I come out my room, okay?" Then I have to say its not okay because, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. More talking... but I am not letting my little guy think I don't love him.
Tot, is learning so much right now and actually showing some understanding of boundaries. So now he has A LOT of questions about boundaries, and life, and the ducks, and the chickens, and the dog, and where's Daddy, and when do we eat, when do we eat, when do we eat. We have started repeating the questions back to him and having him give the answer and that is helping, but he will still ask me the same question even after he has answered it. When one is struggling with a migraine this can be... a bit more than annoying, even though a part of me recognizes that on a better day I would probably see it as cute.
Baby, we have a fun new game we play with him. We copy Baby. We all sit around the table and start copying his hand motions, etc. You should see his eye light up when he figures out what's going on. He has everyone start hitting the table, twisting their bodies, and waving bye, bye. We have started playing it with all the kids and it is turning into our new family game. Its fun to see their personalities come out. Mr. Tyke is all "Now we are eating, Now we are sleeping, now we are brushing teeth!" Tot, doesn't talk a lot. He makes as many faces as Bill Cosby and we are all supposed to copy them. Cy's choices are very complex and tricky, and Liv, makes mostly goofy sounds and does tiny motions we have to watch carefully not to miss them.
Baby is fun, and he is cranky. He has figured out how to ask for a few things. The one I understand the best, and that he requests the most is, "Toooookeee," which for those of you that don't speak Baby is cookie, of course. He is attempting to throw things himself down when cookies aren't produced. Its annoying and hilarious. He looks up from his collapsed position seeing if he has caught our eye. If anyone is looking (and with 6 other people available someone usually is looking), then the sobs become even louder.
So anyway, I'm tired and I get too many headaches, but really I am okay. My babes are wonderful, exhausting, and needy, but that's life and I am glad to be their Momma.
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Break I Needed
I had an awesome time with my girlfriends AND I am happy to be back!
I left my home at 5:30 am to make the drive to the airport so I would arrive in time to make my 7:45am non-stop flight to Florida. Well, that was the plan anyway. Weather and plane malfunctions conspired to keep me from arriving until 6pm that evening! I think you can understand when I say, it was a long day.
That could be why when I got to the vacation house with my girlfriends I just got giddy. Everything was so beautiful and CLEAN! There were no toys ANYWHERE! I couldn't stop smiling. I looked around in amazement and proclaimed at least 3 times, "It's so obvious there are NO kids here."
Over the course of the short weekend I went from celebrating my childless freedom to missing my babies desperately. Ryan was sending me pictures and videos of them on the last day and I was eating it up. I wanted to keep my vacation forever, but I wanted us all to be doing it together.
I did miss them, but it was so worth going. I laughed with my girls, and cried, and got a sunburn (which is like a badge for us cold-staters in January). We acted like kids instead of caring for kids, and I ate way too much.
Also, I am giving my husband the Dad-of-the-Year Award. He kept all 5 babies. They were safe, and happy, and loved. He even took them all on his own to a special dinner and concert that was planned before I left (He sent me a video of Tyke and Tot bustin' a move at the concert). He never once pouted about not getting a break. He only showed happiness for me. He sent me funny texts and caught up laundry (yeah, I know this one gets him the award all by itself), and organized our bedroom.
Am I lucky or what?! What a man I have! What a God I have! I owe them both a huge thank you for such a sweet break and such a fantastic homecoming.
I left my home at 5:30 am to make the drive to the airport so I would arrive in time to make my 7:45am non-stop flight to Florida. Well, that was the plan anyway. Weather and plane malfunctions conspired to keep me from arriving until 6pm that evening! I think you can understand when I say, it was a long day.
That could be why when I got to the vacation house with my girlfriends I just got giddy. Everything was so beautiful and CLEAN! There were no toys ANYWHERE! I couldn't stop smiling. I looked around in amazement and proclaimed at least 3 times, "It's so obvious there are NO kids here."
Over the course of the short weekend I went from celebrating my childless freedom to missing my babies desperately. Ryan was sending me pictures and videos of them on the last day and I was eating it up. I wanted to keep my vacation forever, but I wanted us all to be doing it together.
I did miss them, but it was so worth going. I laughed with my girls, and cried, and got a sunburn (which is like a badge for us cold-staters in January). We acted like kids instead of caring for kids, and I ate way too much.
Also, I am giving my husband the Dad-of-the-Year Award. He kept all 5 babies. They were safe, and happy, and loved. He even took them all on his own to a special dinner and concert that was planned before I left (He sent me a video of Tyke and Tot bustin' a move at the concert). He never once pouted about not getting a break. He only showed happiness for me. He sent me funny texts and caught up laundry (yeah, I know this one gets him the award all by itself), and organized our bedroom.
Am I lucky or what?! What a man I have! What a God I have! I owe them both a huge thank you for such a sweet break and such a fantastic homecoming.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Fantasizing
I was working in my kitchen and I realized my socks were getting wet. That was really frustrating since we just replaced our dishwasher. I got a rag to handle the clean up and realized there were strings of water all over the kitchen. Understanding dawned... Baby "Slobber-Bucket" strikes again. Someone is always making work for me so I won't have to worry if I am needed.
I worked my tail off yesterday and today the house is a mess again. How do they do that?! I fantasize about being 55 and the kids all gone and I will make some cute quaint meal for the hubs and myself and we will munch while sharing some quiet conversation and then take our two plates to the sink and wipe them down and wipe down our not very dirty counter and table and then go sit on our front porch and admire the view. People have some very strange fantasies. I just fantasize about two plates, oh yeah and small loads of laundry, and shoeless living rooms. Not that I don't love my loud, messy, slobbery, children who leave what I will call "shoe droppings" everywhere, because I do love them to pieces. Its just when I am sobbing as the last one heads off to make their own way in the world part of me is going to be really excited about dinner for 2!
I worked my tail off yesterday and today the house is a mess again. How do they do that?! I fantasize about being 55 and the kids all gone and I will make some cute quaint meal for the hubs and myself and we will munch while sharing some quiet conversation and then take our two plates to the sink and wipe them down and wipe down our not very dirty counter and table and then go sit on our front porch and admire the view. People have some very strange fantasies. I just fantasize about two plates, oh yeah and small loads of laundry, and shoeless living rooms. Not that I don't love my loud, messy, slobbery, children who leave what I will call "shoe droppings" everywhere, because I do love them to pieces. Its just when I am sobbing as the last one heads off to make their own way in the world part of me is going to be really excited about dinner for 2!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Upcoming Termination?
The caseworker came to visit on Friday afternoon. She talked with the boys and spent some time visiting with all of us. She talked a lot about the case, telling me things I am not supposed to know and then reminding me, "You don't know this." I am just fine with that. I am happy to have a sense of what is going on. Then the big news, they can actually file for termination in September, not October.
I would love for that to happen!!! I really want to know that no matter what happens these boys aren't ever going back to the abuse they came from.
Caseworker also told me that the first investigator that pulled the boys out said, "These boys aren't ever going home." That is so strange to hear because this same woman did absolutely nothing to ensure that. Oh well.
Toward the end of the visit Caseworker told me that even though they are going to file she expects B.M. to ask for a trial, because B.M. will fight even though she won't actually work her plan. That seems strange to me. B.M. has done very little to get the boys back. She makes it to visits to avoid jail, but if she has to do a visit in the morning, and another thing in the afternoon, she always misses the 2nd thing, and blames the visit. She has been claiming she is employed and unable to come to things and then she forgets herself and tells the team she quit her job. It seems to me that if she does not like working at something other than passingly, maybe she will not ask for a trial? That's what I am going to pray for anyway.
The caseworker also mentioned that the first investigator said the boys needed to be in a pre-adoptive home. I didn't say much. I think Caseworker is assuming we are pre-adoptive, and we are in a way, but I don't know where my husband stands as of right now. I don't think he knows where he stands. He believes NOTHING that gets said, and so has been unwilling to discuss adoption very much because until someone says, "We are filing for termination", and then doesn't add "Shhh don't tell I told you that," for him there is very little to discuss.
Okay woman to woman? Not discussing something this big is SOOOO hard for me. I want him to pester him, badger him, bludgeon him, but I can't! I have to give him this space and time to process this in his own way and I kinda hate it.
I have been watching him bond with the boys. I have been watching him be their "Daddy" in a way I haven't seen and I want to draw all kinds of conclusions, but I can't. DANG IT! I want to say, "I saw how you were holding and loving on Tyke today, are you starting to feel like you could be his forever Daddy?" However, my mister is not that kind of guy. He is strong, and funny, and wise, and private. Even with me he shares... slowly. If I push a topic that deep, he will avoid it, just because its a high-pressure topic.
Well, WOE IS ME!... at least he's cute! God has this thing all figured out and he's got that husband of mine all figured out too, so I guess I am just waiting on Him/them.
Update: My friend made it back to the United States today with her 3 Congolese former orphans beside her. God is good!
I would love for that to happen!!! I really want to know that no matter what happens these boys aren't ever going back to the abuse they came from.
Caseworker also told me that the first investigator that pulled the boys out said, "These boys aren't ever going home." That is so strange to hear because this same woman did absolutely nothing to ensure that. Oh well.
Toward the end of the visit Caseworker told me that even though they are going to file she expects B.M. to ask for a trial, because B.M. will fight even though she won't actually work her plan. That seems strange to me. B.M. has done very little to get the boys back. She makes it to visits to avoid jail, but if she has to do a visit in the morning, and another thing in the afternoon, she always misses the 2nd thing, and blames the visit. She has been claiming she is employed and unable to come to things and then she forgets herself and tells the team she quit her job. It seems to me that if she does not like working at something other than passingly, maybe she will not ask for a trial? That's what I am going to pray for anyway.
The caseworker also mentioned that the first investigator said the boys needed to be in a pre-adoptive home. I didn't say much. I think Caseworker is assuming we are pre-adoptive, and we are in a way, but I don't know where my husband stands as of right now. I don't think he knows where he stands. He believes NOTHING that gets said, and so has been unwilling to discuss adoption very much because until someone says, "We are filing for termination", and then doesn't add "Shhh don't tell I told you that," for him there is very little to discuss.
Okay woman to woman? Not discussing something this big is SOOOO hard for me. I want him to pester him, badger him, bludgeon him, but I can't! I have to give him this space and time to process this in his own way and I kinda hate it.
I have been watching him bond with the boys. I have been watching him be their "Daddy" in a way I haven't seen and I want to draw all kinds of conclusions, but I can't. DANG IT! I want to say, "I saw how you were holding and loving on Tyke today, are you starting to feel like you could be his forever Daddy?" However, my mister is not that kind of guy. He is strong, and funny, and wise, and private. Even with me he shares... slowly. If I push a topic that deep, he will avoid it, just because its a high-pressure topic.
Well, WOE IS ME!... at least he's cute! God has this thing all figured out and he's got that husband of mine all figured out too, so I guess I am just waiting on Him/them.
Update: My friend made it back to the United States today with her 3 Congolese former orphans beside her. God is good!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Where things are and are not going.... At this point.
At this point the caseworker, the advocate, the visit supervisor, the caseworker's supervisor, my husband and myself all want to see termination happen in this case. Bio-Mom just does not attend anything and she is continually prompted to attend. She has failed drug screens when she shows up, she does not attend counseling, she does not attend training, she does not attend visits, she misses parent team meetings. She is getting mad now because the kids aren't home yet, but she is not doing anything.
There is a visit scheduled for Saturday and Bio-Grandma is invited as well. They both failed to call or show for the last visit. I am hoping for and expect more of the same. These little boys do not need the confusion the visits provide. So I am praying that Tyke and Tot will not have to deal with any visits.
As for my family... My husband does not think that adopting all 3 boys would be right for our family. He says he loves them and cares about them, but that he does not feel he/we are equipped to handle so many so close in age. We disagree of course, but I am trying to trust that the Lord has our future all figured out and that the Lord has placed my husband in leadership of our home for a reason.
I was very emotional about this. I did not want to post anything, because I have been fighting a big emotional fight trying to be okay and make this work for our family. I can bear their leaving if I never had the chance to have them because of a family reunification, but to have them say, "Okay, are you ready to adopt?" and then have to turn them away... I love these boys so much, but the truth of the matter is I cannot do this without my husband. Ryan is aware that when the time comes they will most likely take all of the boys rather than separate them. He still wants to see termination of parental rights happen. Neither of us can bear the thought of the boys returning to the abuses they suffered.
I think that he may change his mind. I think that he may not. If he does not I believe it will devastate me, but I cannot and will not hold that emotional gun to his head. Who knows? Maybe God will keep me in such perfect peace I won't break into a million pieces.
I am just living today and enjoying today with my precious family. God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than all of this.
Amen? AMEN!
There is a visit scheduled for Saturday and Bio-Grandma is invited as well. They both failed to call or show for the last visit. I am hoping for and expect more of the same. These little boys do not need the confusion the visits provide. So I am praying that Tyke and Tot will not have to deal with any visits.
As for my family... My husband does not think that adopting all 3 boys would be right for our family. He says he loves them and cares about them, but that he does not feel he/we are equipped to handle so many so close in age. We disagree of course, but I am trying to trust that the Lord has our future all figured out and that the Lord has placed my husband in leadership of our home for a reason.
I was very emotional about this. I did not want to post anything, because I have been fighting a big emotional fight trying to be okay and make this work for our family. I can bear their leaving if I never had the chance to have them because of a family reunification, but to have them say, "Okay, are you ready to adopt?" and then have to turn them away... I love these boys so much, but the truth of the matter is I cannot do this without my husband. Ryan is aware that when the time comes they will most likely take all of the boys rather than separate them. He still wants to see termination of parental rights happen. Neither of us can bear the thought of the boys returning to the abuses they suffered.
I think that he may change his mind. I think that he may not. If he does not I believe it will devastate me, but I cannot and will not hold that emotional gun to his head. Who knows? Maybe God will keep me in such perfect peace I won't break into a million pieces.
I am just living today and enjoying today with my precious family. God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than all of this. God is bigger than all of this.
Amen? AMEN!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
A Marriage Check-up
I have been missing my husband a lot since we started fostering. The stress of fostering can eat a lot of healthy family time, and add to that "life stress" and it just did not feel like we had any time for each other. I decided one proactive step I could take would be to meet, as a couple, with our Pastor. We did that last night and we just talked about... stuff. We covered old stuff and new stuff and ongoing stuff. It was stuff filled!
My husband and I are no where near divorce or anything like it. I just felt like we needed a jump start in the right direction. It felt like we were getting a "well-marriage checkup" to prevent and identify any bigger issues that might be forming. In our case, there were many things I wasn't saying because I did not want to add to his stress and he was doing the same. It left us feeling kind of lonely.
Our pastor challenged us to keep praying together more nights than not. We personally committed to try and get at least 4 nights a week. He challenged us to take steps to deliberately set aside time to nurture our walk with the Lord. It felt good because, as a couple, we were committing to do these things. He and I both do these things separately in our own way, but not together very much.
We will be meeting one more time as a way to be accountable for how we are doing the things the Pastor challenged us to do. I am hopeful that this will be all we need for this year!
While we were there I was told that our youth pastor is taking one of my ideas! He is going to start an adoptive and foster parent support group within our church! I had mentioned one time that it would be an amazing ministry because there are so many of us in our church. One of the biggest issues I had been dealing with was this feeling of not doing things right and not knowing what to do. I found a couple other families in similar circumstances and talked to the wives. It was a major comfort to me to know their struggles and triumphs.
I think this group will also be good for our marriages. In church now, we can easily attend and never form relationships. Especially when our children our so young it is just easier to get the home before a "meltdown" occurs. This could help us to form relationships with a core group of people who "get it." It could give ideas and encouragement which I think will help us to keep a healthy outlook about it all.
Our first gathering will be a catered dinner where we will be asked to share ideas about what types of things our church could offer to support its adoptive and foster families. I have one idea of "small group" style gatherings where child care is provided, but I haven't developed it beyond that.
If your church was or is offering this ministry what would you like to see as a part of that ministry?
My husband and I are no where near divorce or anything like it. I just felt like we needed a jump start in the right direction. It felt like we were getting a "well-marriage checkup" to prevent and identify any bigger issues that might be forming. In our case, there were many things I wasn't saying because I did not want to add to his stress and he was doing the same. It left us feeling kind of lonely.
Our pastor challenged us to keep praying together more nights than not. We personally committed to try and get at least 4 nights a week. He challenged us to take steps to deliberately set aside time to nurture our walk with the Lord. It felt good because, as a couple, we were committing to do these things. He and I both do these things separately in our own way, but not together very much.
We will be meeting one more time as a way to be accountable for how we are doing the things the Pastor challenged us to do. I am hopeful that this will be all we need for this year!
While we were there I was told that our youth pastor is taking one of my ideas! He is going to start an adoptive and foster parent support group within our church! I had mentioned one time that it would be an amazing ministry because there are so many of us in our church. One of the biggest issues I had been dealing with was this feeling of not doing things right and not knowing what to do. I found a couple other families in similar circumstances and talked to the wives. It was a major comfort to me to know their struggles and triumphs.
I think this group will also be good for our marriages. In church now, we can easily attend and never form relationships. Especially when our children our so young it is just easier to get the home before a "meltdown" occurs. This could help us to form relationships with a core group of people who "get it." It could give ideas and encouragement which I think will help us to keep a healthy outlook about it all.
Our first gathering will be a catered dinner where we will be asked to share ideas about what types of things our church could offer to support its adoptive and foster families. I have one idea of "small group" style gatherings where child care is provided, but I haven't developed it beyond that.
If your church was or is offering this ministry what would you like to see as a part of that ministry?
Monday, May 14, 2012
Cleaning or Sleeping?
I stayed up until 2am cleaning because I am insane. I really wanted to have a clean house for Mother's Day but it wasn't in the cards. I tried not to care. It is amazing how ignoring an issue does nothing to make it less stressful for me.
Things have been very tough with Tot lately. It is as if he decided we needed to go back to day one. Well, when one of the little ones get extremely emotional it seems they all get at least a little emotional. All I do all day is put out fires! If I attempt to get anything done I pay for it big time. The behaviors just spiral because I am not right there to watch things and keep them on track.
During church yesterday I heard the praise of Mothers who rise early to care for the home and family. I am not a morning person so this is hard for me. My sleep is just awful some nights and then morning comes way too soon. Still, I was praying because I have been so stressed out. "God do you want me getting up earlier?" My children, foster and biological, seem to have radar set to sense when I begin moving in the morning. I have gotten up over an hour before their usual time only to see them appear at the top of the stairs minutes after I leave my room.
I laid in bed last night and contemplated getting up early to have time alone to work on my house and to prepare for today. I was wide awake and starting to worry about having the energy to get up early if I couldn't sleep. A little voice seemed to whisper "Why not now?"
I got up. I couldn't sleep anyway. I organized and sorted and scrubbed and tossed. I never even got tired because I am a night owl. I finally decided to exercise some sanity and headed to bed a little after 2am. I heard children at 7am, and wasn't even grouchy. I stepped out my bedroom door and looked downstairs into the clean living spaces below. I think I heard angels singing!
Change is so hard for me. I never stick with an exercise routine, diet, or even a Bible Study plan, but I have to change here! I haven't been grouchy today. There is no pressure, although my house is not perfect, it's good enough for me. I am relaxed and enjoying the babies' company and stopping fires from even starting. THIS is who I want to be with the kids. The problem is I have to change me. Its going to involve more than prayer and words of encouragement. I am going to have to actually be out of bed when everyone else is in bed (my spoiled inner-child hates being the only one up working).
This may seem very small to you, but I would like to request prayer that the Lord will help me change to become a person who cleans before bed. This is not because I think cleanliness is next to Godliness or anything hokey like that. I just want to be a joyful wife and mother and for some strange reason the old ways are not working anymore.
In this ministry of foster care and adoption, I have been looking for how God would change me through this. So far, I don't feel like I have changed very much for the good at all. Is it possible this is part of my change? It seems like a strange thing for God to want from me.
But then again... King Naaman had leprosy and sent to ask the prophet Elisha what he should do to be healed. 2 Kings 5:10 records Elisha's strange response:
Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, "Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed."
Naaman was upset. This seemed too simple, too weird. It wasn't a fireworks and fanfare kind of healing. Naaman wasn't going to do it! His servants had to convince him.
2 Kings 5:13
Naaman's servants went to him and said, "My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, 'Wash and be cleansed'!"
Naaman did as Elisha commanded and he was healed of his disease.
I have been asking, begging, and pleading for the Lord to change me. I want a rushing of God's presence, a sweeping away of the old and an ushering in of a new me. I am kind of like Naaman. I want fanfare. Instead I got a simple solution. Clean your home at night. Not much fanfare, but the healing I feel today is worth the little effort cleaning will take. Naaman had to clean his body and Mandy has to clean her house.
Okay God.
Things have been very tough with Tot lately. It is as if he decided we needed to go back to day one. Well, when one of the little ones get extremely emotional it seems they all get at least a little emotional. All I do all day is put out fires! If I attempt to get anything done I pay for it big time. The behaviors just spiral because I am not right there to watch things and keep them on track.
During church yesterday I heard the praise of Mothers who rise early to care for the home and family. I am not a morning person so this is hard for me. My sleep is just awful some nights and then morning comes way too soon. Still, I was praying because I have been so stressed out. "God do you want me getting up earlier?" My children, foster and biological, seem to have radar set to sense when I begin moving in the morning. I have gotten up over an hour before their usual time only to see them appear at the top of the stairs minutes after I leave my room.
I laid in bed last night and contemplated getting up early to have time alone to work on my house and to prepare for today. I was wide awake and starting to worry about having the energy to get up early if I couldn't sleep. A little voice seemed to whisper "Why not now?"
I got up. I couldn't sleep anyway. I organized and sorted and scrubbed and tossed. I never even got tired because I am a night owl. I finally decided to exercise some sanity and headed to bed a little after 2am. I heard children at 7am, and wasn't even grouchy. I stepped out my bedroom door and looked downstairs into the clean living spaces below. I think I heard angels singing!
Change is so hard for me. I never stick with an exercise routine, diet, or even a Bible Study plan, but I have to change here! I haven't been grouchy today. There is no pressure, although my house is not perfect, it's good enough for me. I am relaxed and enjoying the babies' company and stopping fires from even starting. THIS is who I want to be with the kids. The problem is I have to change me. Its going to involve more than prayer and words of encouragement. I am going to have to actually be out of bed when everyone else is in bed (my spoiled inner-child hates being the only one up working).
This may seem very small to you, but I would like to request prayer that the Lord will help me change to become a person who cleans before bed. This is not because I think cleanliness is next to Godliness or anything hokey like that. I just want to be a joyful wife and mother and for some strange reason the old ways are not working anymore.
In this ministry of foster care and adoption, I have been looking for how God would change me through this. So far, I don't feel like I have changed very much for the good at all. Is it possible this is part of my change? It seems like a strange thing for God to want from me.
But then again... King Naaman had leprosy and sent to ask the prophet Elisha what he should do to be healed. 2 Kings 5:10 records Elisha's strange response:
Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, "Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed."
Naaman was upset. This seemed too simple, too weird. It wasn't a fireworks and fanfare kind of healing. Naaman wasn't going to do it! His servants had to convince him.
2 Kings 5:13
Naaman's servants went to him and said, "My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, 'Wash and be cleansed'!"
Naaman did as Elisha commanded and he was healed of his disease.
I have been asking, begging, and pleading for the Lord to change me. I want a rushing of God's presence, a sweeping away of the old and an ushering in of a new me. I am kind of like Naaman. I want fanfare. Instead I got a simple solution. Clean your home at night. Not much fanfare, but the healing I feel today is worth the little effort cleaning will take. Naaman had to clean his body and Mandy has to clean her house.
Okay God.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I Miss Him
I am toying with whether or not I will post this one... It's very close to home, and yet it is part of the reality of fostering and adopting.
I miss my husband.
I work with the kids all day and he works for his company all day. I make dinner and he takes care of the chickens. I clean up the house and he takes the kids outside to play with and around him. I get kids ready for bed and he finishes a project in the workshop. We take turns tucking them in and kissing them goodnight. Sometimes I have items that need doing after kids bedtime. Sometimes he has items that need doing after bedtime. Sometimes we don't really need to do anything, but we are still ignoring each other for cellphones, laptops, and television.
On the weekends we have soccer and church and work projects to be finished. We make time for the kids. There does not seem to be time for us. We don't want to spend money foolishly on expensive babysitters and nights out. We stay home and we stick to the routine. Its better for the kids if we keep to the routine and its better for our budget.
Those little things... The irritations that you put up with because you love that man and the things that he puts up with because he loves you, they start to eat at your marriage. It is so hard for us to separate our minds from crazy town and just be those two kids who are best friends. It's easy to forget that we are two people who fell in love even though he is compulsive and I am forgetful.
I can see where I want to get to I am just not sure how to get there surrounded by babies who seem determined to sabotage any interactions not related to them. When we are there He says witty completely outrageous things and I laugh. I read his eyebrows and make up whole sentences to go with the expressive eyebrows and he laughs. We talk about things other than the kids. We have intimacy (not the same as sex) in our interactions.
I need a solution that works. It would be so easy to think the solution is sending our foster boys away, but what if everyone took that route? We need to learn to have us and them. I wish I could post how we will do this, but I don't know those answers yet. I am determined to figure this out. God would not have called me to this if he couldn't figure out that part of things too.
I guess I am deciding to post this one. My goal is to keep this real and this part of it is very, very, real.
I miss my husband.
I work with the kids all day and he works for his company all day. I make dinner and he takes care of the chickens. I clean up the house and he takes the kids outside to play with and around him. I get kids ready for bed and he finishes a project in the workshop. We take turns tucking them in and kissing them goodnight. Sometimes I have items that need doing after kids bedtime. Sometimes he has items that need doing after bedtime. Sometimes we don't really need to do anything, but we are still ignoring each other for cellphones, laptops, and television.
On the weekends we have soccer and church and work projects to be finished. We make time for the kids. There does not seem to be time for us. We don't want to spend money foolishly on expensive babysitters and nights out. We stay home and we stick to the routine. Its better for the kids if we keep to the routine and its better for our budget.
Those little things... The irritations that you put up with because you love that man and the things that he puts up with because he loves you, they start to eat at your marriage. It is so hard for us to separate our minds from crazy town and just be those two kids who are best friends. It's easy to forget that we are two people who fell in love even though he is compulsive and I am forgetful.
I can see where I want to get to I am just not sure how to get there surrounded by babies who seem determined to sabotage any interactions not related to them. When we are there He says witty completely outrageous things and I laugh. I read his eyebrows and make up whole sentences to go with the expressive eyebrows and he laughs. We talk about things other than the kids. We have intimacy (not the same as sex) in our interactions.
I need a solution that works. It would be so easy to think the solution is sending our foster boys away, but what if everyone took that route? We need to learn to have us and them. I wish I could post how we will do this, but I don't know those answers yet. I am determined to figure this out. God would not have called me to this if he couldn't figure out that part of things too.
I guess I am deciding to post this one. My goal is to keep this real and this part of it is very, very, real.
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