Possibilities and Decisions.

Tonight I learned that the next scheduled court date is June 20th.  I also learned that the boys' bio-Mom is not working the plan... at all.  Bio-mom cancelled the last two visits she had, she has missed meetings, trainings, testings, etc.  I learned that visitation has been suspended again.  I learned that already they are going to attempt to move toward termination of parental rights.   I am told that there is no family coming into the picture except one who is unsuitable. I am not supposed to know any of this...

So what is this???  Is God moving sooner rather than later in these boys' life?  I pray this is true.  They are young and beautiful and they are full of potential.  Is this just one man's unrealistic ideas of what may happen?  Where does this leave my family? 

My family... On the worst days, when I wanted to hide in my bedroom and cry I did not want these boys to leave.  I have felt overwhelmed, and incapable of this task... repeatedly, but I do not want them to leave.

 I am scared, because I know that I would sign papers tomorrow, and bind these boys to us.   I am stuck in this rut, we have the room, we have the car, we have Jesus, what else do we need?  I would love them, and train them, and teach them of Jesus, everyday from now until forever, but some in my family are daunted.  It's 3 babies, and they have changed our entire lifestyle.  They are 3 hurting children and they take all we have to offer and still want more, they cry for more, they scream for more, and we are left feeling... inadequate, overwhelmed, and sad. I stare into their precious faces and wish, that if we were offered a chance, the decision would be mine alone to make, but it is not.  We must make this decision as a family to be willing to be bound to one another as we are in marriage...

 for better, 

for worse, 

for richer, 

for poorer, 

in sickness, 

and in health,

forever, and ever.

So again, I ask you to pray. 

Becoming a Foster Mom

 I realize, and I think I am accepting, that I am a Foster Mom.  I am not preparing to adopt these boys.  I am just preparing these boys for life.  I am trying to make this stage of their lives be as healthy as possible because I don't know where they will go next or what that life will be like.

I was praying on Saturday about how hard this all is and I was letting God know this is why I only wanted to take care of kids that were going to be mine.  I felt the Spirit tell me, "I am asking you to take care of kids that are mine."  Repentance was instant and my mind was altered in that moment.  God is asking me to take care of his kids right now.  There are no guarantees, there is no promised happy ending, but they are his babies and I will do my best to love them.

The boys had a visit on Saturday.  I sent them off, well covered in prayer,  and I prayed for their homecoming when I realized they would be home soon.  The boys came home, spoke calmly about the visit, and went on with life as usual.  The supervisor informed me we are up to 2 visits a week.  I had no idea, but I will just move forward with it.  I sent an email off to my caseworker just letting her know that I was told 2 visits.

This caseworker does not let me know when court is scheduled, she does not contact me to let me know the outcome of court, and she does not contact me to let me know what the case plan is for the kids (or at least let me know the things that affect me).  She had me spend $600 on clothing for the boys, telling me that it was approved.  When I went for reimbursement, she said she was still waiting for approval.  Later, she told me I was approved and would be receiving the refund.  Then another DCS person let me know I would not receive anything until I sign paperwork.  I cannot reach my caseworker to get hold of the paperwork.  Almost every time I call her voice mail box is full.  Oh, and I think I mentioned in another post how she seems sympathetic to bio-Mom which, to me, seems cruel to Tyke.  Still, she is the caseworker in charge and I must respect her role.  It's just hard sometimes, because I feel so very disrespected.


And... I took Baby to the ER last night.  His breathing was labored.  He is diagnosed with "Bronchiolitis," which I think is just a fancy way of saying his airway is inflamed.  I have to follow-up with the family doctor to try to get to the bottom of things.  I have have been having to give him breathing treatments since we left the ER last night. Poor Baby.  I'm thinking he's having seasonal allergies.  Mine have been bad and Tot and Tyke seem to be riddled runny noses and irritated coughing as well, but Baby's allergies seem to be creating an asthma-like response in him.

A change is needed

Yesterday Tyke had therapy and he did not talk about anything with the therapist.  He went back with her sucked his thumb, wanted to be held, and scribbled on paper.  I am okay with it even though I know that means there is no further progress in her reports to the caseworker or CASA.  Tyke is only really encouraged to talk about it for about 1 hour a week and that is a lot for a 2 year old.

I have struggled with the advice I have been given regarding how to handle it when he talks about trauma he has experienced or acts it out in some way.  Persons from child protection  have told me not to ask questions, to redirect him, , to tell him, "We don't do that here," and then to get up and move away, and even (I think this was the worst advice ever) to put him in timeout.  When I have taken them to appointments to be talked to and looked over I have been told not to prepare him for the interview, etc. 

It occurred to me yesterday that never in a million years would I naturally handle a child that way.  With my own children I would hug them, I would tell them I was so sorry that happened to them, I would try to get them to talk about it, and I would NEVER drop them off in a room with some stranger to TALK about something without giving them some direction as to why we are there. If I take my kids to a babysitter, the zoo, the doctor, you name it, I tell them why we are going, I tell them what to expect, I reassure any concerns they may have.  This is what good responsible adults do!  In Tyke's case I feel that all they will allow me to do is to inform him, this person is nice or safe and then move out of the way. 

I have been struggling with my instructions on how to handle Tyke.  We are always teaching our children even when we don't speak.  They learn a lot about what we like or don't like simply by the way we handle them. By following their advice I am teaching Tyke that I don't want to hear about it!  I am teaching him that his stories of his life are unimportant to me.  If he starts talking all of the advice I have been given are ways to shut him down.

So last night, I rocked him before bed I told him, "I am so proud of you for telling me about when you got hurt.  You are a big boy, and it is good when you talk to people like Miss T and Miss P and Miss B about what happened to you.  You won't get in trouble, because it is good to tell safe grown ups when bad things happen." It was a lot of words so I seriously doubted how much he was taking in.

Tyke sat up and looked at me with sad eyes, he pulled his thumb out of his mouth and said, "Mommy S hurt me!  Uncle hurt me!"  He went on to tell me more, and this time I hugged him, I told him that I was so sorry that happened to him, and I encouraged him to talk about it with me whenever he wanted.  I encouraged him to talk about it with Miss T (his therapist), Miss P (his caseworker) and Miss B (the investigator) too, so they could help keep him safe.  That was it, and I knew that it was right.

 In other news...  Mommy S failed to show up for the Team meeting that was scheduled yesterday.  She was a no call, no show.  I am glad because I am getting really tired of the caseworker telling me how nice she is and how hard it is to imagine she could do these things.  From what I understand, she doubts Tyke knows what he is talking about, and maybe it was someone else besides bio-Mom.   I am praying that God will continue to bring the truth to light.  I asked the therapist yesterday, if at 2 years old, Tyke could be making these things up, she told me that she did not think it was possible.

I am praying that whatever evidence is needed, will be found so Miss P and Miss B will get on board and protect these boys. If you do nothing but look at Tyke and you can see marks of abuse, but I was told that since he was so young there was little that could be done.  First I was told Tyke couldn't talk, so I must be mishearing him.  I prayed and he proceeded to talk up a storm to anyone who came through our door.  Then I was told that because Tyke said these things to me, it would not be enough, so I prayed and Tyke talked about all kinds of abuse on his first day to the therapist.  On that day, the therapist asked me to sit in the room so Tyke would not be afraid.  Then I was told that, because I was in the room, I could be influencing him to say these things.  Again, the abuse could not be substantiated.  I prayed again and Tyke willingly went down the long hallway and spoke without me.  Even with all of that the abuse does not seem to be substantiated.  There is still not enough evidence.  So I am praying again.  We have an appointment April 5th to look for additional evidence that can be documented.  I am praying it will be there.  I am praying and praying and praying.  It may be the strangest thing I have ever prayed about.

Our God is Greater...

I reread my last post and I am so sad for the anger I see pouring off of it.  This is just so hard.  It is harder than I ever imagined to trust the system.  In truth, I cannot trust it and I never will, but that anger and hopeless sounding words reveals a harder truth.  I am having trouble trusting God in this.  I am being swayed by everything that happens.  I need to stand with my face to the wind and the storm beating down and I need to trust him, because He is Good.

The boys came back, and as my husband said, "It's like someone pushed a reset button."  I got to see lots of behaviors  I haven't seen in awhile and some brand new ones. I don't know what will happen.  I don't know how this ends, but I know that I am standing in the gap.  I will pray for these boys and I refuse to continue to let myself spiral into an angry person I don't recognize.

A portion of a song by Chris Tomlin keeps going through my head lately.

 Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

Into the darkness you shine
 Out of the ashes we Rise
There's no One like You
None like You.

A verse that is lifting me this morning is this:  Ephesians 3:20  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

On my worst days God brings me to this place, and asks me who I believe He is.  I know who my God is because he has shown me repeatedly...  He is Good.





































[ Lyrics from: http://ww

A Spin Job

The boys are off to a visit with their bio-Mom.  This is very exciting for the Mom I suppose.  She hasn't seen them in 7 weeks.  She will probably enjoy the much calmer and well-adjusted boys they are becoming.  No one has abused them for 7 weeks and they are so young, so to some extent 7 weeks is forever. 

I did such a great job loading them into the car and telling them I would see them later.  I smiled.  I didn't cry or stomp my feet.  It was so great how I was able to save that for later.  I asked them to be nice to the visit supervisor.  Everyone smiled.  How great is it that we force kids to have 2 hour visits with incredibly abusive people?.  How wonderful for bio-Mom to have her rights.   The little ones are so young, we need not be concerned that their rights have been violated multiple times by their mother.  In the words of one of the workers regarding Tyke, "He is just so young, there's not much we can do."

Tyke may be covered in scars, and he may tell some horrendous stories, but it was all probably just made up anyway.  Lets all discuss the things we will help bio-mom with so she can do better at controlling her boys' behavior.  We don't want them acting terrified and insane all the time.  It's so uncomfortable for Mom and the workers that will come into her home.  Maybe after all of the visits and training she will be better able to be abusive to them without being bitten and hit and screamed at.  Maybe she will be better able to train them to keep secrets.

The best part is that Baby has not been very obviously abused yet.  Well, except for the nasty black eyes he was given before he came here.  He is happy and alert and playful.  He's like a new jar of play-doh.  She can take him and totally demolish who he has the potential to be. 

I am one of those silly Foster parents who thinks little ones should be protected by the officials elected and hired to protect children.  I have been naive and I will learn my lesson.

Oh visitation day... The start of such a wonderful thing.

Picture Time (Edited)

Kitchen Races Have begun!

Cy is the ringleader at the starting line .

 Tot is very serious about "cleaning" his plate!
This has been pretty messy at times.

 Baby enjoys tummy time and is rolling over and creeping forward now.

I wish I could show you his smile... He melts me.

 

Liv, Tyke, Tot, and Baxter take in the scenery down by the pond.

I am loving these warm days.

An interesting update

Thank the Lord for the boys' advocate.  I heard nothing from my caseworker all day.  The hearing was at 8:30 this morning.  The advocate called and let me know the boys would not be leaving.  He also let me know that visitation was granted at least for now.

Thanks to all who are praying.  I know that prayers have been a shield of protection for these boys.  I know that prayers will continue to be a protection for them.  I am praying protection and for the truth to come out during any visitation that takes place.

 They are going to work to substantiate the things that Tyke is saying again, and they have some ideas for that.  They are going to ask that he go to a special center that can record his interview with a trained therapist.  This interview would then be admissible as evidence.  It would also be helpful in bringing an end to visits.  We did visit this place once before, but it was not successful.  Tyke was not willing to go anywhere without me.  The woman (he just met) used a somewhat bossy tone of voice with him and told him he had to leave his sucker with me (a sucker they provided by the way).  They treated him like he was 5 instead of 2, and then just said it could not be done.  So they are going to attempt to get permission to do the interview with the current therapist whom Tyke likes and trusts.  The center has a relationship with this therapist so it looks possible.  Tyke has no problem talking to this woman and has told her everything he told me and more.  This is the next thing to pray for.  I am praying Tyke will be allowed to interview with this woman.

Another development... Bio-Mom is 4 months pregnant.  Baby is only 5 months old.  Mom tested positive on a drug screen recently.  The judge told her if she tests positive again he will put her in jail until the baby is born.  Thoughts occur to me... if Tyke's abuse is proven what is the status of the next baby?  Will she just keep having babies?  Will they ask us to take them?  I only have room for 1 more, but I don't know if I could actually handle 1 more.  Craziness...

Tommorrow is the hearing...

I feel like there is a good chance the boys could leave this week.  I am just sad about it.  Grandma has mattresses on the floor after all, so that is family for them to be with.  I was told she has a record, but I don't know what that will do to protect the boys.  They (DCS) sounds like they will make an exception for her record.

The play therapist wants to come over tomorrow to watch how I give the boys lunch so Mom can do better at visits, because Mom is required to feed them. She wants to be able to tell Mom what I do.   I hate this.  I feel like everyone is preparing me at the very least for visits. 

If you were kidnapped by someone who hurt you for years and you finally got away, and you finally got the courage to tell someone what had happened to you, would you feel betrayed if you were forced to visit in the hopes to reunite with that person?  We wonder why foster kids act out so terribly after visits.

Will these boys move in with Grandma and be forced to see their abusers constantly?  Will they be forced to go to visits and and will adults attempt to force them to behave nicely with their abuser?

My husband keeps saying over and over, "It's not up to us."  He's right and I feel peace about that.  It is not up to us to keep them from harm.  We are doing our part.  We will see if the system fails them or not.  Time will tell.

Mad and Sad

I am struggling to get started here because I am kind of covered in a hard shell right now, but I can tell I have a lot of mad and sad inside of there.  If I don't get it out, its going to just separate me from those I need to love on.

I'm mad.  I'm mad because after all that these 3 boys have been through we cannot assume they are safe.  They could go back to a family member in just a few days.  This Grandma was in the picture when they were getting hurt.  Where was she then?  I am mad about that.

I am mad about how hard it is to do this parenting job.  It is exhausting and even when we have a pretty good day, one angry tantrum filled dinner time can make me feel like we are serving a sentence rather than living out a dream.

I am mad because I have been sick for nearly the entire winter.  As soon as I recovered from one illness I have immediately gotten hit with another.  This has been going on since the beginning of November.  I have no energy.  It is hard to climb the stairs.  My arm gets tired burping the baby!  On top of those things I have to get laundry done, dinner on the table, playtime with the kids, homeschool work, etc.   I have 5 kids that need me, and I want to be healthy for them so I can smile and be playful.  That used to be me!

The other day I woke up and I actually felt good for the first four hours of the day.  I was playful, and I got breakfast, and diffused issues with humor.  Cy said, "Wow, Mom why are you so different today?"

And... Now I'm just crying because that is the part that makes me sad.  That is me being different?!   My best friend told me on the phone today that she is worried because I seem to be changing.  I am changing and I don't like it.  Every time I have spent time with kids since I was very young it was characterized by playful humor, creative learning, and creative correction.  Now, I just just sound strained, and bossy, and tired.

This me, whoever she is, sucks the joy out of things.  This me, sees going for a walk outside as more exhausting work (I think about chasing them if/when they run and how tired it will make me) instead of seeing it as an opportunity to spend time together.  This me, cringes when I hear the first sounds that bedtime or naptime is over because I just want to rest so badly.  I used to miss my kids faces when they were asleep ( Seriously, I am responsible for waking them up early a couple times because I was anticipating them too much).  This me, does a mental filter every time someone asks how I am doing because I don't want to make them sorry they asked.

This me, is always ashen colored, barely working up a smile when my hard-working man walks in, trying so hard not to complain, although I know he can see it in every weary move I make.  He has to be thinking, "We cannot do this (this being parent more children)."

I know the old me is still in there.  Yesterday, my 8 year old puked all over me, and (here is the gross out part) he managed to get some on my face too.  I cleaned up my son, I cleaned up myself, I cleaned the sheets, the comforter, the floor, the toilet, the bathtub, the towels.  I moved my freaking out and gagging daughter into another bedroom and tucked my big baby back in, all the while feeling like laughing because it was just sooo gross to have someone actually puke on my face!  I know, I have a very sick sense of humor, but for some reason it was funny!

So could you all please pray for me?  Please pray for my health.  I am bone-tired, and so sick of being sick.  I want my smiley energetic self back please!

I know being Mom to 5 children is no piece of cake on a healthy day, but I would sure like to try it once. 

Latest News

Today the caseworker called me to let me know that bio-Mom is such a nice person and is being so cooperative.  She wanted me to know that it is just so hard to believe she could do anything bad to the boys.  Wow.  Yes, because seemingly nice people never commit horrible acts.

Then the CASA came by...  He is such a good man and seems to really care about these boys.  He said he visited Grandma and did not think it was the best place for the boys.  He let me know that Grandma has 2 mattresses on a floor for the boys now, and a pack-n-play in her room for the baby.  He said they would not have any room to play, but they would have beds.  He doesn't know what the judge will do.  He describes the judge as a good man, with a big heart.  In his opinion, the Judge will do what he can to keep families together if there is any spark of hope.

Tonight during bath time Tot as he was jabbering away.  He seemed like he was trying to tell me about someone hurting him and Tyke.  I wish I could understand him better, but it doesn't really matter because the things the boys say do not seem to matter to anyone besides the CASA, the therapist, and myself.

So maybe the boys will be leaving soon to go sleep on a mattress on a floor.  They will get to live with a Grandma who doesn't believe them.  If she doesn't believe them then how will she protect them?

I am going to just trust the Lord because it's all I have. I will keep praying for them.  Please pray for the judge to have wisdom, and for the boys to be protected. The next hearing is March 14th.   They could use all the extra prayers they can get right now.

Falling For Them

I am seriously falling for these 3 boys.  I am not sure why, but when I look into their little faces my guts get all mushy sometimes.  I don't really want to love them this much.  It will break my heart if and when they leave.

I fell for Baby easily within the first week.  He smiles and babbles, he is beautiful, and he is a cuddler.  I am fostering, with a goal to adopt someday, so what Mama waiting for her forever children wouldn't fall for that?

The other two were harder.  The behaviors were so maddening.  There was so much rage and pain and it was a very effective shield between my heart and theirs.  I loved them because Christ called me to, but not because I felt some magical feeling inside.  Now, I am getting these flickers of magic and I love it and it hurts me at the same time.  God will do what he will do, and I will accept it.  He knows what's best for everybody.

THIS is why I said we would only foster children whose bio-parents' rights had been terminated.  Ugh.  What am I doing to myself?

Thankful

Life with 5 children isn't easy.  Life with three preschool aged children isn't easy.  Life as a foster parent isn't easy.  It has become so easy to focus on all that isn't easy..  When we got home from church yesterday all I wanted to do was collapse.  The sad thing was that we had just talked about being content with the place the Lord has us in right now.  Although I had determined between myself and God to get to that content place I was not sure how to move from grumbling to peaceful.

I was wondering how I could be content when I knew all that needed doing and I had only a little nap time to do it in.  The house was a mess, and I was tired and my family was having one of those strained Sundays.  You know, the ones where you go to church with your mask on because you don't want anyone knowing where you are really at today?  Yep, it was one of those days and I had only nap time to pull myself together and all I wanted to do was sleep.

First, I determined that I wasn't going to focus on the fact that things weren't easy.  Duh!  I walked this path willingly.  No, I begged for this path.  I felt called to this path.  I did not know what to do so I just stood up.  Sometimes that is a good first step for me when I am overwhelmed.  Next, I started picking things up.  With everything I picked up I made myself think of a reason to say thank you.

It went something like this....

"Lord, thank you for the little feet that wear these shoes.  Thank you for the friends that gave us this coat.  Thank you for the money to enjoy things like pizza.  Thank you for these blocks that I have watched all my babies play with.  Thank you for friends who provided these clothes for Tyke and Tot.  Thank you for the baby in my home that needs these blankets.  Thank you for these dishes to wash because it means we eat well..."

I am not exaggerating it went on and on (my house was a big ol' mess!).  I was shocked that there wasn't a single thing that I touched that did not somehow deserve a grateful heart on my part.  I spend far too much time thinking about the hard things when I am literally surrounded by blessings.

That hour of thank-yous changed my attitude on Sunday  Even though my "day of rest" had work that needed to be done I felt more rested than if I had slept for an hour. “A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). 

Signs of Hope

I am really happy right now.  It is hard to express why, because the days are still exhausting.  3 under 3 is no easy task.  Add to that my somewhat emotional 5 year old and impatient 8 year old and well... it's interesting.

I am feeling especially scatter-brained today.  Bullets help me get all my thoughts down.  Sorry, if you hate bullet posting! 

• The court date was set for March 14 so bio Mom could meet with Court appointed attorney
• My Cy told me that he can't get engaged yet because getting engaged involves kissing and that is something God wouldn't want kids doing.  (Love his brains!)
• The boys have actually played together now and then without screaming.  Right now they are playing tractors on the kitchen floor with no drama.  (God is Good!)
• Baby has discovered he can coo and squeal at several volumes so his newest fun game is squealing with all his might.  It took just a bit for us to realize he is thrilled with himself.
• Liv is loving her role as mom's only girl in the house (we share chocolate in secret because women need that now and then!).
• Bedtime is pretty much a cinch now.
• Naptime is easy except that either Tyke or Tot will sabotage things if it goes too smoothly and force us to come back in the room 3 - 4 times to order them to stop screaming.  They will not calm down until our voices get loud and we ORDER them to be quiet (What is THAT?)
• We are still dealing with emotional outbursts about food.  We assure them and comfort them, but many times all that will settle them down is time-out.  It feels wrong to put a kid in time out for throwing a fit about food, but like with naptime they settle down once we get firm.
• I had help this week for no other reason than that it makes things easier.  I love having friends with homeschooled teenage girls!!!
• I read a great article on the internet somewhere about adoption and trying to love and bond with traumatized kids.  It is helping me so much.  Essentially the writer was saying focus on the home rules first and worry about mushy things like love later.

Now, the last bullet starts my tangent.  The article got me thinking about boundaries and this has been brilliant for me to get hold of.  How can we have a healthy love relationship with anyone if we don't have healthy boundaries with that person first? I finally feel free to say to a 2 year old, I am not comfortable with _____________ (insert manipulative behavior here) so I will not accept it from you.

Since their arrival there has easily been 1000 times already that I have not felt comfortable with the type of affection I was being shown and  the "survival fits" they go into. I would just feel controlled by the boys' needs rather than freely offering the affection, food, etc. I already wanted to give.  I don't want any of my children growing up and demanding from others what they are not comfortable giving, so I realize I am setting them up for problems if I don't set boundaries. 

I know these are just my foster boys, and they could move on at any time, but if I am helping them to stop an unhealthy behavior, that is a good thing.  In the course of my day this means that we talk about and, if necessary, provide consequences for any behavior that is not good for them or someone else.  This could be over-eating, clawing someone's face, forcing someone to give affection, screaming for food, etc.  I know this word gets overused all the time for women's issues, but I am feeling empowered. 

final note:  I still think the ultra-gentle touch is right when I see fear or grief and it is a daily balancing act to look for root causes underneath behaviors.  However, I am learning that all the same boundaries need to be in place on even the most grief-filled days..