Little Updates

We are leaving for a vacation!  I am so excited.  We aren't leaving for a couple of weeks, but I got permission to travel.  I am trying to be very ready.  I have a multitude of little things I am doing to hopefully make our trip easier.  My cheap trip is adding up.

In other news court got pushed back again.  It will take place while we are on vacation.  We were informed  we don't have to testify.  Our advocate is well enough to take the stand and he will speak for the boys.  God bless him.

I spoke with the caseworker and there will be no goodbye visit.  She agrees with the therapist that it would not be good for the boys.  Yes!

We have been doing sensory processing stuff, but he (Chi) got a lot worse.  I have learned through trial and error to do sensory activities and "therapy" when he's happy.  When he is spiraling we go no-nonsense and take a snap out of it approach.  It is working well and his therapist feels that is what Chi needs.  I feel we are making forward progress.

Obee is cracking me up.  He sees black men and shouts, "Dats a Obee just like me!"   We say that yes that man has beautiful skin just like Obee.  Recently I heard him say quietly, "Oh, he gots beautiful skin just like me." 

I want this to be better, but there are so many distractions.  At least its an update!

Getting Ready to Jump

Yay!  My amazing husband fixed the laptop issues I have been having for quite some time now.  I could get it to work, but it was annoying and sporadic.

Chi and I went to visit an occupational therapist yesterday for an assessment of Sensory Processing Disorder.  He had a broad range of sensory processing issues with some of them being very acute in certain areas of touch and auditory processing.

I have a lot of feelings about all of this, but what matters is what he needs from me now.  I couldn't believe how he could go from arching his back and flailing to calm and easy with some of the techniques she was using.  I am being trained to use a "Thera-brush."  For now I brush his arms, legs and back as much as every 2 hours.  I also stretch certain joints for 10 repetitions.

She gave me lots of pages of ideas to go ahead and try out at home.  She recommended a back pack for him because the weight will help.  She also recommended those tight shirts swimmers wear.  I am going to put lots of things he can do for tactile activities in the backpack.  She said to include things like:  straws to chew on, putty for his fingers, a weighted lap snake (think of a tube sock-like item full of rice), and a container of things with different textures, like squishy, hard, soft, rough, and smooth.  I can't remember it all.  I will have to look at my papers.

He has a lot of touch aversion even though he seeks out the sensory stimulation.  He doesn't know how to relax when he gets it.  He also does not like being in amongst unexpected noises.  He seriously hates being touched from behind without warning.  She explained that some of this is probably heightened because of his past.

Today when we went to another appointment for him, I saw his behaviors through this lens, and it did help.  I was still embarrassed.  Yeah, that's my kid screaming and throwing himself down because other people unexpectedly walked into the room, and yeah that's my kid screaming because it was time to get up when he was sitting down.  I told him we would be leaving, I told him it was coming soon, but that does not matter with Chi.  What matters is that he never "heard" me and I reached down to touch him to get him to move and that terrified him.

In addition to all of that Chi has had what appears to be a seizure.  He started this strange barking cough that was very short and repeated nearly 20 times,  I picked him up thinking maybe he was choking and he was rigid, then he began shaking from head to toe.  It was not the violent shaking that I have seen on tv and it only lasted about 10 seconds.   It was so short that I was unsure of myself.  Now, as we discuss seizures with Dr.s and therapist we will try to figure out if some of the rigid staring he does is a sensory processing thing or something more.  We have more appointments next week for that.

Chi doesn't look special needs.  He looks like everyone else.  His behaviors read like a very out-of-control toddler.  No one will know unless I explain and that just isn't realistic or fair to him.  So this is where all of my "feelings" come in.  I have all this grief because I expected too much of him and I didn't look into things sooner.  I wonder if we will ever have "normal?"  I know I signed on for a different life, but this is something more than I bargained for.

 I am not this amazing parent who can handle anything that gets tossed her way.  I am lazy, and whiny, and scared, but I so want to be hard-working, and stoic, and brave. I keep having to overcome me to do this thing I am doing and it's exhausting.  I have been reading about faith this week.  I am continually reminded that God's power can accomplish anything.  A little bit of faith can move mountains.  I told God this week, "You have to help me God, because I am my mountain!"

Between us... I'm scared.  It's the kind of scared I had when I bungee jumped.  'There is no way I am backing out, but what if I don't bounce, what if I just keep falling and there's nothing to catch me?  I'm not going to think about it, I am just going to operate on what I know to be true.  God will never leave me or forsake me.  At nineteen I learned to do what I am doing again today.  I'm just going to take the next step and the next step until maybe the air is rushing past me and I'm having the greatest thrill of my life.


The words my youngest brother spoke to me one time keep going through my head, "God's got this Mandy.  God's got this."

The Results

Bio mom showed up.  She would not relinquish her rights.  I am told that when asked by the attorney what she had done to get her boys back she said, "Nothing."  From there she proceeded to answer very few questions and lawyers for both sides and the judge had to ask her to speak up.

The police and forensics people, the therapists and doctors all testified.  The caseworker told me they ran out of time or it all would have finished yesterday.  Now the caseworker and myself have to testify in 2 weeks.  I don't know if anyone else had to.

Strangely I am not that sad really.  I guess if I am bummed about anything I wish she hadn't shown up.  With things going this way I know future babies are safe too.  This, to me, seems like the heart of God.  Although was okay with the signing away shortcut because the caseworkers behaved like it was for the best and I personally and selfishly want this over with, but another baby shouldn't have to suffer.

My old caseworker talked to me and we had a very pleasant conversation. She said she was feeling pressure and a little grouchy.  I wonder if it was hard sitting there while all the professionals testified to all the evidence of the trauma she seemed to want to ignore.  Whether that was by her choice, or forced from somewhere higher up I don't know.  There is no way the therapists that came in did not bring up the abuses the boys have acted out and talked about.  The forensics people even have pictures.  It was a good day for the boys, but maybe bad for her.

With bio-mom showing up yesterday and not signing what happened in the darkness has been brought to the light and that is a good thing I believe.

Trial Later

The caseworker called me yesterday.   We have court this afternoon. 

No one has been able to get a hold of bio-mom.  Last time she showed up for some last minute stuff just before court.  This time she is missing.  So once again I am hoping she will not show up.  The caseworker advised me that if she does not appear her rights will be taken after a short trial with just my old caseworker's testimony.

The caseworker also informed me that she has worked it out privately with bio-mom's attorney to have a meeting with just the two of them (no bio-grandma allowed) to attempt to get her to voluntarily relinquish her rights.  This is what the caseworker is hoping for.  She said she wanted me to have hope.  She is the area expert in this I am told.  The caseworker told me that in 5 years she has only had one family not sign away rights and then they never even showed up for court. 

I want to believe her.

Here's the thing.  If she relinquishes she can keep future children.  If the state deems her unfit they will remove future children.  Bio-Mom is very young.  I think there is a high probability there will be future children.  God alone knows which is the best course.  I do not even want to imagine another baby facing what my boys faced.

As I was putting him to bed last night Chi shared some strange and disturbing memories.  He was only 1 when he was removed.  He is babbling about the same things he was trying to tell me about 8 months ago! I understand him more clearly now as he can speak so much better than he could at first.  The things he is describing sound like a mixture of nightmares, simple truths, and things others told him to believe about the events.   My point is he was just a baby.  He was no match for his tormentors and no other child would be either.

I am praying this is all over today and I am praying that the God who sees all knows which way is the best way to go.

Subpoenaed... Again

I received my subpoena for the second half of the termination trial.  I am supposed to call the attorney and go over it all with her.  I got the subpoena last Friday afternoon and I still haven't called.  I keep hoping the caseworker will call and say bio-mom voluntarily relinqushed. 


Is it obvious how much I really cringe about testifying? I had to psych myself up the first time around.  Here I go again.  I will call the attorney today.    I just want this part to be over already.

Speaking of things I have been putting off... I have Chi scheduled for an evaluation.  They are going to to do some general Occupational therapy testing and just see if he presents with any classic sensory processing disorder things.  I don't know if he has this or not.  I go back and forth.

His play therapist calls his issues, "Disruptive Behavior Disorder."  She says its not Oppostional Defiant or something like that because he has to show the behaviors across a range of places.  He is definitely oppositional and many times defiant, but then again aren't all 2 year olds?!

Seriously, though he must have the worst case of terrible twos I have ever dealt with.  I used to do a daycare for 7 boys.  Every foster placement we have ever had has been young boy sibling groups, and of course there is Cy, whom I have parented for 9+ years.   Chi takes the cake with defiance, but there is so much obvious anxiety to it.  Last week he decided he was newly terrified of bugs, as in, they didn't used to faze him in the least.  It used to be snakes and how a one year old gets a fear of snakes I will probably never know.  Yesterday he had what I will call panic attacks all day because there might be bugs.  It was a hard day for all of us.

He is doing better today.  Thank goodness.  The thing Chi needs more than anything is prayer.  He wants so much to be happy and do well, but  some kind of switch flips.  Poor Baby.

Just a Sinner

Liv woke  me up very early this morning.  She had dreams about bugs biting her and giving her bumps.  I pulled her in close.  She is snoozing peacefully in my spot on the bed.  I never got back to sleep.

I am wondering if termination will be voluntary.  I have been praying a lot.

Ryan may be making some very big job changes.  He has meetings today.  I am fighting fear on that front.  This would not be a step up, but rather a step away from so much stress for him. 

I am praying and praying and then I come across these verses about repenting of our sins so God will draw close to us and hear our prayers. 

I realize that I am full of faith, but repenting is embarrassing.  I don't like to do it.  I am one of these people that thinks, "What's the point?   I'll just mess up again.  God knows I'm sorry."  I get a little too full of the idea that God knows me and he knows why I screw up.  Still, sin is sin and God's Word tells me He hates sin.  I just get so scared when I repent.  I think it can't be that easy.  I wait for the lightning bolt from the sky.

Repenting.  Its such a little thing.  Why is it so hard?  I'm just telling God I am sorry.  I am asking him to forgive me.  I am working with him to turn from my sinful habits and attitudes.  I used to repent every day for every sin I could think of.  I was a thorough little girl.  Smile.  I'm out of practice. 

I did repent and I will keep repenting. There was no lightning bolt.  I did cry, but then, I am a crier.   I am not going to let my own confrontation avoiding personality keep me from my God.    I am going to make repenting a practice again.  I would rather over-repent than ignore such a vital link in my relationship with God. 

Signing Away?

Our caseworker is going to try and have a meeting with bio-mom tomorrow and get her to voluntarily sign termination papers.  I told her I don't have my hopes up because our last caseworker told me that bio-mom would NEVER sign those papers.

This caseworker said, "I think we have a good chance she will."


Oooooooooooh!  I hope, I hope, I hope!  Oh yeah, and I PRAY a lot more.   Because you see, if this happened adoption can happen so much sooner. 

I don't know where to put my hopes, up or down?  I guess my hope is in the Lord.  He alone knows what is best, but I would LOVE to have this be a done deal. 

I got subpoenaed today.   I really don't want to testify.  I hate the idea that those signing on to love her kids for ever would have to be so instrumental in her losing them.  I will if I have to, but I prefer not testifying.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I have been really working with Chi lately.   I am doing well myself and I can focus on his moments without feeling only like I just want to escape. 

We talk a lot about inside voices.  In all reality I think he has some problems regulating volume.  The loudness of his voice at times can be incredibly random.  He just yells about the most mundane things.  He's not mad, but his voice is at scream level.  Now, if I don't respond he will start to get angry.  So, over and over and over we talk about an inside voice.  I think he is improving a bit.  Often times I say, "Change your voice," and he gets it.

He either feels pain more than the other kids or he over does his show of pain.  My 2 year old gets a lot of boo boos so I get to deal with a lot of screaming about that.  If I respond in a firm kind of matter of fact way, he snaps out of it faster, if I hold him and comfort him he screams in my ear for 5 minutes.  I try to give him a little of both.

He also struggles with flailing or aggressive stances and actions.   He will raise his fists and then punch, or ball them up and then throw himself down, or he may bang something really hard.  He will suddenly and without provacation throw something really hard. If the item is stick like at all then without warning he will beat on people and things.  I know that boys do these things, but I have 4 of them, and Chi's behaviors are outside the norm as far as frequency goes.   I have been on him like white on rice to try and catch the moment before the outburst.  I see his face scrunch up in anger and I say firm, somewhat loud, and low, "Chi, change your face."  When he makes a fist I may say, "Open your hands, Chi."  When he raises a toy, his arm, or something to hit I say, 'Chi!  Put your arm DOWN."  

It really is working.  He stops the pre-action behavior and then we avoid problems.  At that point we can talk about whatever is going on, but nothing gets through if he has made it to a full on outburst.

Chi just needs so much supervision.  I often wonder if there is something more neurological going on with him.  He needs far more than the others to stay regulated.  It can be overwhelming with so many of them needing attention, but for now it is working out alright.  A couple times I have watched him talk himself back from a line he shouldn't cross.  That is the goal I have in mind so there may be light at the end of the tunnel for my sweet boy.