A Glimpse of the Other Side

Today, Baby had to get tubes in his ears.  Bio-Mom was invited to show, but I really didn't expect her to be there at 6am.  I was surprised to see her as I came through the surgery center's doors.  It was just Bio-Mom, me, and Baby.

Strangely , I was comfortable.  I can put myself at ease in most any situation, but I never thought I would feel at ease with her. We talked about their funny behaviors and I showed her pictures and videos from my phone of the boys dancing around and having fun.  I watched her with Baby.  She loves him.  We talked about the boys.  She loves them.  She did not get all syrupy and dripping with love language.  It was a Mom to Mom knowing.  This woman loves her kids. 

As we neared the end of everything I asked her who was picking her up.   I saw a flash of utter pain cross her face.   She had no one.  My heart broke.  This Baby Girl is hurt andhas hurt her babies, because she was hurt first.  I heard my mouth offer to drive her home.  "What am I thinking?" I wondered.  She accepted the ride and it was pleasant enough.  She sounded only 13ish when she told me with pride that she'd put the baby to sleep for me.

I neared her home and yet again I heard myself tell her I was praying for her.  As I watched her walk alone to the door of her apartment I couldn't help but tear up.  "God, what is THIS?" I whispered.  "What now?" I prayed. 

I only heard, "Pray."

How can someone who loves their kids hurt them like she has hurt them?  My mind is having a hard time lining up love and abuse, but I can see it exists.  I can see it in her.  Every Mom knows her own dark place.  Every Mom gets desperate and angry and tired. Every Mom makes mistakes raising her children. What would I do if I had no money, no job, and no education?  What would I do if I had no one to turn to?  What would I do if a life of pain was all I had ever known?

I know I want the boys to stay.  I know I don't want them to be further abused, but I am glad its not up to me.

I don't want to worry about her.  She is 20.  The damage is done.  Her story is written... or is it?  I know that Christ wants to redeem her life.  He wants to set her free.  I don't know what the final story will be for her or for these boys.  She does not deserve to have them back.  She will probably hurt them again, but who am I to say what the Lord may have in store for her life? 

I will do as the Holy Spirit instructed me.  I will pray.  Its all I can do.

Sometimes I'd Rather Cuss than Pray

I have been praying A LOT.  If you aren't sure what about, then I invite you to read through my last 60ish posts.  

Today, the boys actually had a visit, and the 18 year old girl in me just wanted to have a cuss fest.  I feel like if they don't give a @#$% about protecting these kids than I am not going to give a @#$% about any of this either.  As I sorted through all the unruly and smart mouthed thoughts I was having I realized I am freakin' tired!  

Yep, I say freakin' sometimes.  You should pray for me, because sometimes... I say worse than that, but I am off subject again.

As I was saying, I am tired, and my big bro came through with all of his chill Hawaii guy wisdom (shhh don't tell him, he's just a Midwest transplant) .  "Mandy, maybe its OK to pass the baton for awhile."  He reminded me that I am not fighting flesh and blood.  He said, keep praying, but maybe all the prayer power doesn't have to come from me alone (I knew that).

So rather than give in to the teenager in me that wants to cuss out the man and assert myself, I called my pastor and enlisted his prayer support.  I am also going to ask any of you reading to pray for this case.

See, bio-mom has done some really bad things.  The kind of things that, if they could be proven, would permanently separate her from the boys.  However, it seems to me that no one in the place of authority has any interests in bringing those things up.  I think the biggest issue is the fear that it cannot be proven.

Today, I had to take Tyke to therapy right before his visit.  The therapist was gentle as we again, discussed his injuries and confusion.  She said, "I am so sorry that happened to you, Mommies shouldn't do those things."  At points, he only seemed interested in eating the play doh.  At points, he seemed to be ignoring her completeliy.  We left therapy and he cried for the next 40 minutes.  

Then... I had to take him to a visit.  He went from being angry and sad about the terrible things done to him to lighting up because it was her, and he loves her.    My fears run rampant.  I see the love.  I see his need for her approval.  I know he will continue to do whatever she wants in order to get that approval.  It could destroy him.  He has not seen her in nearly a month, but the connection is powerful for him.

I am told Bio-Mom is on a one strike system.  If she misses one more visit she does not get any visits until she goes before the judge again.  I think she is going before the judge soon.  

These are the issues I wrestle with:

I want her to miss the next visit.

I want the judge to be serious with the consequences.

I want him to read all the reports of abuse.

I want him to care about stopping it.

I want whoever is trying to cover up this abuse to be exposed or removed.

I want the boys protected from ever having to even see their abusers again.

I want the family member that just wants the boys for money exposed.

I want parental rights terminated.

I want these boys to be in my a home where they will be cherished forever.

I want all of my "I wants" crushed if they are not God's Will...

Please, please pray for these boys and for these battles that are not truly with people, but with the powers of darkness, because today I am tired.  Yes, I am praying, but there is a part of me that still just wants to cuss.

Support... It LIfts Me.

God has been extra super kind and good to me by sending support where I need it with this fostering thing, and it really lifts me!  Pun intended.

I talked with a friend who is a foster to adopt Momma tonight, and I was set free when I found out she loses it with her kids sometimes.  I seriously thought she could constantly pull off that peaceful Momma thing.  I cannot do this quiet voice, quiet life thing.  Sometimes I want to wring my children's necks (bios and others, I am no respecter of persons).   No, don't pick up your  phones to dial a hotline.  I don't wring their necks, but sometimes I holler!  It sounds like, "I want to wring your necks right now!" or  "I'm going to hang you up by your toenails!"  or "Man, I need to whoop your butt!"  

This loving Mommy correction has been hard for me to release from my way of speaking.  I don't want to further traumatize the darlings in my home, but I gotta be me or I am going to freak out myself.  Sometimes just the threats alone bring a smile to my face and to Cy and Liv's faces.  Then we hide those telltale smiles, and they quickly pick up the room they have been ignoring me about cleaning and all is well.  It lets them know I am still me and I am not possessed by an evil spirit.  Important information like that soothes my little darlings.

Now, back to my point.  My friend, SHE doesn't do EVERYTHING perfect.  I know!  I know!  I was shocked too!  My friend gets mad, she gets sad, she gets frustrated.  It turns out that she prays in the morning and reads her Bible just like me, and then has been known to lose it the very same morning just like me!

Now, I am not glad for her to be experiencing these emotions, but I am thrilled, that I am not alone.  I am thrilled to know that the frustrations and imperfections do not disqualify me from being a foster parent or adoptive parent.  I have been carrying around guilt since our very first foster placement (I yelled at our little boy on Christmas of all days).

I want to get better everyday.  I want to let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace all of the children in my home for who they are.  I am just glad there are women out there with whom I can drop the act, and say "Caring for these kids doesn't always bring out the best in me," and they get that I still love these babies.

I am thankful for the support of the Moms who have gone before me.  The ones that are keeping it real.  What's under the support hasn't changed a bit, but I feel rejuvenated when I am well supported.

So Little to Give

When I started this whole process to foster and to hopefully adopt I was feeling like I was so blessed.  I knew I had a lot in my tank to give some child or children if the Lord would just bring them through my door.

In some ways I am finding how empty my tank really was.  Being selfless, truly selfless, is very hard.  I can easily imagine laying down my life for any of the children in my home.  The hard part is being there and being selfless every single day.

As I am sure you already know, I am not selfless every single day.  It is more like an hour here and a couple hours there.  I am tempted daily to lay this calling down, and to leave it to another who is far more qualified than myself.  Many times I find myself begrudgingly scraping something off the bottom of my nearly empty tank.  I had so little to give.  I did not really know until the time of need arrived how woefully inadequate my own resources were.

The true miracle of fostering and adoption is that I can not look at myself with rose colored glasses anymore.  I see me.  I am selfish, I am demanding, I am angry, I am proud.  Some of you that know me may be thinking I am wrong.  There are things about me that I like, but it is so easy to focus on those because then I don't have to feel guilty and then I don't need to worry about change.  These children are a wonderful mirror, and I don't like what is looking back at me.

The good parts?  God is giving me true relationships with people who have had to get just as real about themselves as I have.  I am learning that the love of God has nothing to do with my performance.  I want to walk this road out even though its hard and even though it might be easier to say, "I quit."  I want to see who God is trying to make me into.  I want to run the race set before me.  This part seems to have a lot of hurdles. My legs are tired, and I keep falling down a lot, but I want to run this race. 

I am so tired of asking God to change me.  I am so tired of feeling changed and then feeling like it was an illusion.  The old me seems to lurk, waiting for fatigue and schedules to clash or waiting for those perfect storm moments when EVERYONE needs me.  Still, I am begging him.  My heart sings the song I have loved since childhood.

Change my heart oh God 

Make it ever true 

Change my heart oh God 

May I be like You 

You are the potter 

I am the clay 

Mold me and make me 

This is what I pray 

Change my heart oh God 

Make it ever true 

Change my heart oh God 

May I be like You

The Meeting

Well, I went to the meeting.  It all seemed pretty useless.  Bio-Mom did show up quite late to the meeting, after some strong coercion.  Everyone was polite and helped her come up with good answers to all the questions.  It was somewhat strange.

I want to hear your opinions about something... They are threatening to throw Bio-Mom in jail if she does not work the case plan.  This just doesn't seem right to me.  You can get a person to show up and have meetings with the threat of jail, but you cannot make them want to be a parent.  You can make them fake it for you, but that does nothing (in my opinion) to ensure they will be parents who are motivated to be there for their children.  What do you think?  Am I missing something?

They also asked her if in the event she is unable to work the plan and get her children back if there was someone she would choose to have her children.  She indicated her mother.  There are some problems there because of her mother's criminal history.  She does not meet Child Protective standards apparently, but the judge can choose to overlook the history.

We have visits scheduled again for next week.  I wonder what she will do with the threat of jail hanging over her...





Additionally, my caseworker visited yesterday and although the visit was pleasant she basically said Tyke was making things up, she doesn't think anyone hurt Baby (the bruising means nothing), the marks are not scars from injury.  It does not matter to her that doctors, therapists, foster parents, and forensic experts think otherwise.  It's just so weird.  I am not even angry anymore. 

I cannot protect them.  This whole thing is in the Lord's hands.  It all seems so crooked and perverse.  If she believes all she says then the system has no right to even hold the boys.  They never had any right to take them.

I believe Tyke.  I have seen the behaviors, I have heard his own words.  Two year olds don't make these things up.  Someone needs to believe him.  I may be the only person that does, and I really have no power to keep this from happening to him again.  It's sad.

Funny...

I saw this coming... It's kind of funny when you see it coming.

The visitation supervisor called and told me the caseworker wanted to continue to offer another visit because of Mom's excuse about being sick.

So we dutifully put the visit on our calendars for today...  Bio-Mom called and canceled. 

I am told there will be no visits  for this week.  Really??? That's amazing since its THURSDAY! 

Anyway, we have a team meeting tomorrow.  I have been told further visitations will be discussed then.  I am grateful to be included in this meeting.

 I wonder if bio-mom will show.  It could be good if she came.  The Lord has given me a compassion for her, which in and of itself is a bit of a miracle.  I just can't imagine how overwhelmed she must have been.

Still, if she is trying to let the boys go, she will be speaking loud and clear by not showing up again.  I am starting to think that is what she is doing.

The meeting is tomorrow at 12:00pm central time.   It will be frustrating to drive all that way and nothing new gets decided or done.  Also, I know I am supposed to listen and not talk much.  I am not very good at that when I have a strong opinion. Would you mind praying for tomorrow's meeting?

"How's Things?"

A lot of my favorite people like to start our phone calls with that phrase.  Well, some things are good and some things are not.

The good?  Visits are done, at least for now.  Yesterday was another cancellation by Bio-Mom.  I never said anything to the boys.  Their world was not rocked and our day moved forward as usual.

Also, Cyrus rocked yesterday.  For the low low price of $7 he cleaned the homeschool room all by himself, cleaned the kids' bathroom, cleaned the toy room and landing areas, cleaned his bedroom, and vacuumed the steps.  He has never worked so well for me, and since he was trying to get all the money I did not hear him yell, for an hour, that his sister wasn't helping enough. So that is a big deal for me.

I was still aggravated off and on yesterday.  I have been wanting to eat everything sugary in sight.  I almost feel like its PMS except, all my stuff was removed 2 years ago.  There is NOTHING left in there to create these hormonal type symptoms.

Last night things were better and I realized something.  I felt peaceful.  The house was clean and picked up and that helped me to regulate.  Everyone keeps saying not to worry about the house right now, because I am at the stage where my house will not be clean, but dang it I feel better when it is clean!  When the house is not clean I don't feel free to just participate in the children's lives. I know I have to do something or the whole thing will swallow me up.  I spend the whole day trying to get things done and being interrupted.

This next portion is not a complaint.  Its just the reality of my days right now...  I need to do 2 loads of laundry a day.  I need to vacuum everyday because the boys, baby included, put everything in their mouths.  I clean after breakfast, clean after snack, clean after lunch, clean after snack, and clean after dinner.  I also need to prepare breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner.  I wipe faces, and butts, change clothes that have been peed and puked on (theirs and mine).  I pick up toys (or I order others to pick them up, which is a different kind of work).  I feed Bottles and Baby food.  I snuggle, rock and play enforcer for the 4 times a day I lay children down for naps.  I also referee all the arguments that break out when those nap times do not happen successfully and let's not forget all the arguments that happen just because he's holding it and I WANT IT!  These things take all of my day and I usually don't get them all done.  I am sure you can think of lots of other housework that should go on this list.  That all is falling under the "Oh crap someone's coming over!" category right now.

 I am ADD and it can create difficulties for me in finishing things, and in just remembering what I need to remember, or catching all that is going on around me.  When it is chaotic around me I get worse.  I tend to react instead of being proactive.  I can't find what I am looking for and things get farther and farther behind schedule and the pressure gets higher and higher.  When the counters are clear and the toys get put away my mind works better and so does my patience.

So in an effort to have better mental health, I am going to somehow switch my major clean up to evenings (I like to clean in the mornings and just leave the counters dirty and unplug at night). I did clean up last night and it was freeing to go outside and play with the babies this morning.  This will take prayer and I laugh as I type that part, but I KNOW its true.  I don't like to clean at night.

I also am finding that I am happier and more relaxed with all the kids when we spend lots of time outside, so I am going to start spending LOTS of time outside everyday with the babies.  Rain or shine.  I took the kids on a boat ride on the pond today.  They loved it and so did I.  OK, I am getting off here.  I need my outside time!

Aggravation

Just deleted it all.  I don't want to say it, you don't want to read it.


Sooooo... Things are difficult, I am tired, the house is messy, and my 5 littles are hard.  I think that about sums up my funk right now.

I got a call from the caseworker today.  She told me to come to the team meeting on Friday.  I am going... I guess.  These things are in another county.  I really wish we had an alternative, gas money wise, to the Excursion.... Sigh.  Oh well.

I am supposed to talk about the boys' strengths and about how it negatively affects them when visits are canceled.


 I am aggravated.  I see more negative behaviors when there are visits.  I will come up with something, but  I won't lie.

They seem confused and emotional when they know there is supposed to be a visit and it doesn't happen.  I guess that is it.  The whole truth?  Tot doesn't want to go, but I tell him he has to.  Baby won't eat at visits, and seems less joyful until he's been home for awhile.  Everything is worse with Tyke when there is a visit.  We get eating fits, manipulative behavior, breaking rules for attention, everything.

Now on to other problems.  Me.  I can't convey how I am not good right now.  I wish I could, but I can't stand the whiny nature of it all.   I am nut sure what my problem is right now.  Nothing is worse today.  I just started off praying for strength (because I was tired) and reading the Bible (Because I need supernatural guidance), and even with that beginning it was all hard and grouchiness and tiredness.

Coming Home

I got to spend a whole 24 hours away with my husband.  It's crazy!  Turns out we are still friends and we love each other very much.  That's comforting.  With fostering it is easy to lose one another, and it was so nice to get some time with my best bud in the whole world.  I like him because he's sweet, and funny, and strong-willed, and tender, and caring, and ornery as can be.  I'm gonna keep him.

Then we came home.  It was so nice to see not just 2 faces light up when they saw me, but 5 precious faces grinned and squealed with excitement to get some Mommy love.   Ahhhhh, I love these kids, I am in serious danger of a broken heart, but I can't protect myself.  It feels like when I fell for my husband.  I know I should protect my heart, but I'm helpless.

Today I have gotten many soft spontaneous kisses from the Tot-man.  This morning when I was dressing Tyke, he put his little hands on my shoulders, "Hey Mom... You my mom.  You my mom," he whispered.  Wow, it sounds like we are all in danger of broken hearts here.

Coming home ROCKS!


Update... Bio Mom tried to cancel visit again yesterday.  The visit supervisor talked her into it because she had already picked up the boys.  Now the visit supervisor is kicking herself.  She said she will not talk her into it again.  The supervisor is asking that visits be suspended, but even if they aren't she is going to do nothing to encourage Mom to be at them again.  This is the 8th visit in the last 6 weeks that she has either cancelled or tried to cancel.  She has attended one visit without any manipulation by others.

In the Weeds

When I was a waitress and things would start piling up, mistakes often piled up too. We had a plan for those moments at the diner where I worked.

A waitress could call out, "I'm in the weeds!" and we'd pull together to get our customers served.

There was no judgement.  We'd all been in the weeds before and we would be again.

I started today in the weeds.  Fatigue, stubborn children, a more stubborn me, and a long list of things to do, left me ready for this day to be over at 7am this morning.

I let two friends know I needed prayer and they prayed with me and for me.  A short while later I felt some joy sneak in and take hold of me.  The weeds started to part a bit.

Maybe I need to keep a list of people who I can ask for prayer support when I am in the weeds again.  I know I will need them.  We all get in the weeds.

Learning to laugh... and other things.

Baby is learning to laugh.  I love that I am getting to have him at this point in his life.  He has been laughing when tickled for about the last month, but now we are getting to situational laughter.  He sees something different and it sends him into the most hysterical giggles. Liv was bopping her head around for him and he was just giggling like crazy.  Her hair just flops everywhere and I think it fascinates him.

Now for other news...
I was shopping today in the area where the boys are from.  A woman saw me and kept exclaiming over the cute baby (I had Baby with me).  She kept saying "What's your name buddy?"  I did not say anything.  His name is very unique and I did not want to start anything.  Finally, she asked me, "What's his name?" 

I can't lie.  I just can't.  I gave his first name and she asked what it meant.  I said, "I don't know, he is just in my care right now."

She nodded her head and said, "I think he might be my family."  I just smiled and told her maybe, but that he was beautiful and a pleasure to care for and got my butt out of there as quickly as possible.  I won't shop there again.  I had no clue what to do.  I still don't know if I did it correctly.

In other news... Bio Mom was really late for her 1st visit last week and the 2nd one she cancelled after the boys had been waiting for 45 minutes with the visit supervisor.   I am told she has to call and confirm 2 hours ahead now or there won't be a visit.  I am told if she cancels again visits will stop.  I do not know for how long. 

I know I am supposed to have my reunification hat on, but I can't.  I don't know if these boys are meant for our family.  I would like to think they could be, but my husband and I will have to both be ready for all that means. I only know I am begging God to protect these boys. 

I try to wrap my head around all the suffering in this world.  I can't.  I cannot tell you why these boys should be rescued when so many are left to suffer and even die in horrible neglect and poverty. 

I only know this, Tyke, Tot, and Baby, were brought to my doorstep.  They were placed in my arms with all of their overwhelming need and pain.  I am not just hoping that they will be warm and fed and safe.  I want them loved, and cherished, and encouraged, and disciplined, and educated.  I want them to have every opportunity God will allow me to give them. Even if they cannot be mine (although the idea of that makes my insides hurt) I just pray they will never again know the kind of pain they endured before coming here.


I cannot tell you why they are more worthy than any others.  In truth, they are not, but they came to my doorstep and my heart.  I beg God for one thing for them.  That he will complete their rescue mission. I pray that they have not been pulled out only to be sent back to those that would not have their best interests in mind. 

\

I like...

I like Cy, he's so smart for his age, and it makes funny things come out of his mouth.  When he prayed tonight he said, "Jesus, work on me to change the things about me that you don't like..............  and if you want to work on my sister Liv some, that would be ok too."

I like my Liv. Tonight as we snuggled her eyelids kept drooping.  She spoke very coherently as she informed me that she has no trouble at all keeping her eyes open during the day, but that her eyes are just very strong at night and then she just can't keep them open anymore....

Another funny on Liv... She was trying to get rid of hiccups last night.  I told her maybe she should try winding one arm backwards and patting her own back with the other.  I have seen her doing it off and on all day.  It's so funny.  I need to tell her I was kidding, but it is SO funny.

I like Baby, he was trying to cry for me to pick him up, but I was busy so I just kept singing to him and smiling.  His crying started to mimic my singing and he smiled back.  The boy just can't help himself.

I like Tot, he looks deeply into my eyes.  He holds my face in his hands, and sometimes he adds a kiss to the gazing.  I love baby love.

I like Tyke.  He dances like a broken robot, because Cy dances like a broken robot, he wears farmer hats around because Daddy Ryan wears farmer hats around, and when he hears me sweeping he gets to the living room with his own sweeper as fast as he can.  It's true what they say... Imitation is the highest form of flattery.

I like my hubby.  I overheard him tonight while he was talking to the boys.  They get scared by different triggers or when they are separated from me.  I heard him tell one of them softly, "You are ok.  It's ok buddy, you are safe with me."  I just love a man that cares about the fears of a toddler.

I like that my Liv accepted Jesus as her savior 2 nights ago. She finally realized that calling something a sin isn't an insult, its just a fact.  She realized that calling herself a sinner wasn't a slur against herself, it was just a fact.  She called me to her side... Broken because of her sin.  At "5 going on 6" she prayed with such a simple belief in God, and his ability to rescue her.  I felt the realness of the moment. I knew she meant it with all her heart.  I love my baby.  I love my Jesus who was Broken for her rescue.

Happy Easter

Today's appointments

We went to counseling today.   Tyke does not want to talk with the therapist anymore.  She, the therapist, says this could be a good thing.  He is so young, and he "told on them" and got it out and was comforted.  He seems to want to move past this and we should let him.  We have sessions scheduled through May.  If he still isn't talking I am going to be happy to let him move on.

We had a visit scheduled today too...  B.M. was 1 hour and 15 minutes late.  She called to say she was just going to get on the bus when the visit was starting.  Of course we all accommodated her sudden change.  The boys were cranky.  She is supposed to feed them at visits and it was nearly 1 by the time she arrived. She would not look at me.  Maybe nervous, maybe angry, I don't know.  She tried to kiss the top of each of their heads without really looking at them.  Tot pulled away.  He did not want kissed. She did not appear to notice.   I had to leave.  He banged on the glass door and screamed for me.  I screamed on the inside.

I then left to feed my 2 cranky children.  I got a call in the parking lot of the restaurant.  "Could you come back with a bottle for baby? His mom forgot food for him."

"Ummmm, no my kids are really hungry and I need to feed them too."

"Ok, well, we just might have to end the visit early then."

"Well, I am at TGI Fridays if you want to drop the boys over here.  Call me if you need me."

Seriously, do they think I am NOT going to feed my children.  I don't want Baby hungry, but it is annoying because I know they just don't want to hear him cry.  Turns out B.M. left the visit and went to a nearby store and bought the boys some food.  So proud of her... Really, I have tears of joy.

We had a final appointment today to see if there was any additional physical evidence to document.  I don't know why we went.  The doctor spent 20 seconds looking at each boy.  He did not follow any protocol for this type of appointment that I had researched.  He proclaimed no additional evidence existed and sent me on my way.  His wife called twice while we were there.  His son was waiting in the hallway, and we were the last people there.  He    did     not    care.  He just wanted us out.  I wish Dr.'s would go ahead and call their patients on the days they just have no intention of caring.  It would be nice to save ourselves the time and gas money.  I know maybe his wife is sick, maybe his son had a bad day at school.  I know, I am not being nice...  It's just that I kind of wanted him to pay attention because my boys were tortured by angry grown ups.  Just sayin.'

A sunny spot

Tot chose a sunny spot on the living room floor today, he opened his giant book and thumbed through the pages.  I knew he was singing and my heart skipped a beat when I recognized that it was "Jesus wufs me dis I know."  I have been singing that song to the boys since Day 1.  I so want it to become a part of their identity.  Who am I?  Well, I know that I am loved by Jesus.  I have suspected he was trying to sing it before, but this time it was so clear, and I was touched that it is a song he will sing to himself now.

I was told that bio-Mom will actually still have visits allowed.  However, no one has called me to arrange anything.  I wonder if they are leaving it to her to show the initiative to schedule things.  I know for the boys to have a visit it is a 6 hour commitment from the visit supervisor, not to mention all the calling around to set things up.  So we will see where things go from here.

I was asked to consider taking in a sibling group of 4 today.  The parents are offering to sign away rights, so it would be a legal risk placement.  They are really too old for my young family and my heart is too tied up in these boys to send them away so I can replace them with others.  I will see these boys through until God decides where they are going.

Parents need "Redo's"

I have noticed that when bad behaviors start they have a tendency to escalate.  They have a tendency to "take over" the person who displays a bad behavior.  Until all of the sudden the grouchy moment, becomes a grouchy day, and then it becomes a grouchy weekend.  I see this in my kids all the time, and I see it clearly in myself.  When my children screw up  I sometimes offer my children the chance to redo a bad behavior in the hopes that by redoing the behavior properly they will begin to develop better behavior.  I also just want to arrest that moment to keep the cycle from continuing.  Well, after some really stressed out moments over the weekend I was feeling like maybe I needed to be able to use "redo's" myself.

I kind of decided loosely to allow myself these moments. It may not mean anything to my children, but it is a huge thing for me to swallow my pride and go back and redo a yucky moment.  When I screw up and I know it, I am going to go back to my kiddos and complete a "redo" to the best of my ability.

Case in point... Tyke did not want to nap, he was being difficult, I was getting inappropriately grouchy with him.  I left the room, came back in and "redid" my nap time voice and mannerisms.  We did nap time and Tyke's last interaction before drifting off to sleep was Mommy Manda  behaving well, not immaturely.

Yes, I love the Lord.  Yes, I am a foster mom.  Yes, I asked for this gig.  Still, I am not going to lie and pretend like that means I have it all figured out.  I am not a better Christian than most.  I am selfish.  I am immature.  I am a giant grouch sometimes.   I have to deal with myself in prayer, over, and over, and over again.  Yes, I pray for my family, but more and more I pray for me.  I am not asking the Lord to calm me down, or just give me some peace for today, I am asking him to go in and remove those parts of me that don't bring him glory.  I don't want to push them under the rug anymore I want purified.  When you purify something the impurities get removed.  They don't stay a part of the purified object.  My heart needs purification to continue to walk this path in a way that will bring Him the most glory.  Tonight I am begging the Lord "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10