Problem Solver

Zee is being two.  I mean he is fantastic, but oh so 2!  I remind myself it isn't personal.  He just woke up one day and realized he has power, he has a voice, he has an opinion,  and Mommy is good for problem - solving.  So he works on having me problem solve ALL DAY LONG.  Precious little muffin that he is...

It seems interesting that as I focus on uncurling my clenched hands from the idea of  having control another strong voice has joined the chorus of voices saying, "Uh, MOMMY!  I need you to solve everything!"

Chi is still flipping out, but I think a little less.  He continues to improve in his sensory struggles to unexpected stimuli and that helps everyone.  He actually is a very funny and sweet boy when he isn't dealing with sensory avoidance.

  I am beginning to get a better perspective.  They aren't going to magically become 6 year olds overnight and I don't really want them to do that anyway.

Yesterday we all survived 8 hours in a car together.   It was just me and 5 opinionated kids.  There were some bad moments, and some hilarious moments, and quite a few times I had a realization that any noise repeated 20 plus times in a row makes my mini van start to feel like more like a paddy wagon, but it was decent enough.  I got us ice cream as we neared home.  We deserved it.  I survived their childish antics and they survived my parenting from the driver's seat.

In other news it looks like we will moving in mid-March. The house is the big one I wanted and I am looking forward to settling in and having room.

 I check the online appeals court docket twice a day to see if we can schedule our adoption date. From what I have seen the decision could come any day now.

Chi and Obie got their weighted vests today to hopefully help with their sensory struggles in crowded noisy environments.  We have a sports banquet and father/son basketball game with our home school group tonight, so we will see how it goes.

Day 7

The crazy thing is I have absolutely zero control over how Chi will respond to any given stimuli.  No, really I can't control it.  All I can do is control me.  So that is where I am at right now
  I am on day 7 of controlling me.

I have done A LOT of things right with my boys.   See, I  am growing!  I did not even used to give myself that much credit.  Seriously though, by God's power alone I have done a lot right, but I don't focus on that.

I have a dark fear-filled place that tells me I  inadequate.   It tells me I must find a solution to whatever problem is in front of me NOW!  It tells me that if I fail in this moment I may fail them forever.  It is that insecurity that has pushed me toward constant problem solving.  Sometimes I am a genius and sometimes I am just reacting.

All 5 of my kids can have a bad day, push buttons,  be difficult, create chaos,  but Chi is more work than the other 4 put together.  For some reason his mind sees danger, fear, and loss in nearly any tiny difficulty. You cannot love him out of it, you cannot pray him out of it, you cannot punish him out of it.  This is where he lives.   Some days are better and some environments are better, but there is no formula to fix Chi.  You just have to love him formula free.

Chi was made to shut that voice up in me.  The one that says "solve this NOW."  I have been relinquishing the IDEA of control for 2 years.  I think I will always be in the process of relinquishing that idea.  It takes all of my children,  but especially my Chi, to help me remember that control is an illusion.

W

My crazy life

I still don’t know if we got the house.   The bank took one more day to allow everyone one more chance for their best final offer.  I am frustrated with this whole process.  I am so grateful that we found buyers for our home so quickly,  but I don't like not feeling like we have some options.

We have had some great weather and the kids have been able to play outside without freezing.  That has been a blessing.  No more snow In the house!   Now its mud :/  Actually I am not too unhappy with the mud.  At least the fighting is lessening.

Speaking of messes, Zee and Chi decorated oue basement family room. Liv painted with the babysitter while we were house shopping.  I was unaware she left her jars of paint out.  On the day of our home inspection my 2 youngest came upstairs.  They were covered in paint.  They left a trail to me on all of the steps and railings.  They painted the carpeting.   The little darlings made a poor choice.  I scrubbed the entire time leading up to the inspection.   Its never boring!

Nervous

There ended up being multiple bidders on the house.  We found out tomorrow if our bid won.  I am getting nothing done.  I can't focus on anything.  I am just praying we get this house.  I have no alternatives in mind.

House Shopping

We ended up house shopping again this weekend.  We had made an offer on a short sale, but the bank was in no hurry to respond.  We decided we had to take this weekend to house hunt again.  At the end of the day Saturday we found a 6 bedroom, 10 acre beauty with buildings all set to go for our animals.  The property was bank-owned and was over 100K less than the closest alternative.   

When we got inside the 3 youngest started running and being noisy in general and the large house just seemed to welcome their exuberance. We couldn't really blame them,  they were cooped up all day.

 Yes, we brought the babies along.  The trauma behaviors during our last overnight trip leave me fairly certain that the friend who stayed with them won't be willing to come back.  She is very nice but was overwhelmed by their constant push back.   And... Obie and Chi can sense that in people.  It wasn't fun for us getting them back in shape last week. 

 Anyway, back to my house hunting.  We decided after the first house they could not go inside these peoples' beautifully decorated homes.  Our boys were literally climbing the walls because the stone masonry gave just enough hand grip to get them going.  My anxiety was off the charts in that house.

Lucky for us the realtor's husband also came along to help drive her on the bad roads and we had our 4 wheel drive as well.  Between the 4 of us we were able to go through the homes and swap kid supervising/entertaining.   We rewarded decent behavior with cookies, grapes, and carrots and my food loving boys figured the program out very quickly.

The last house was empty.  I told them I wanted them to get out and run and boy did they.  They ran up and down the steps and in and out of bedrooms from one side to the other and we still were able to talk and concentrate.   That house can handle my boys.  They ran outside for a bit and opted for busting through snow drifts rather than taking the nicely shoveled paths.  They had some energy to burn.

We offered more than the asking price. I am praying the offer gets accepted tomorrow,  but they have till mid-week to respond.  This house felt like home.  I am praying it will be. 

Its really impossible!

We are in the same room!  My little mountain goats climbed as soon as I turned around.  I don't think its intentional.  They aren't exactly quiet.  I would have heard the little stinkers collaborating!  I hid my laugh and ordered them down.  Those chairs aren't made to stand up to mountain goats.

No House

I am trying not to get overwhelmed,  but truthfully every 15 minutes or so "overwhelmed" sneaks up on me.  Our house here is spoken for, we have a date we have to be gone from this place and we cannot find a place to go that isn't smaller or needing work we no longer have much time to do with so many little ones.  We are talking about moving into something smaller.  When my husband brought that up yesterday I cried a little.

My kids are so rowdy.   4 boys cannot be contained in their youthful exuberance without stifling them more than I want to.  I can't imagine having to protect the furniture,  walls, and windows even more than I already do.  This winter of being so cold and nasty has made every single square foot  of the home we currently have a precious commodity, and yet I have still felt smothered at times.

I have a prayer request.  We found one house that would hold all of us easily.  We decided to put in an offer and then found out it was a short sale.  Everyone says short sales usually take forever.  I would love to have this home although currently it feels like even more than what we need.  We are getting ready to walk away from the deal and put in an offer on something that isn't nearly as perfect for us.

I know these are the concerns of a spoiled American.  Please pray God would change my heart attitude and please pray we would find the house God has picked out for us very quickly.

My Bouncy Boys

Maybe I expect too much.  I went down to our family room to play with the little boys.  They were so happy.  Without thinking they instantly began bouncing across the couches with huge grins on their faces. I warned them and they got down instantly looking sorry.  As soon as they got excited again all 3 little boys started bouncing without a thought. They got sent to their rooms but I am thinking... Little boys are happiest when they are bouncing and climbing.

  Maybe I need to provide a space in whatever home where that is okay and stop trying to fight the nature God gave them.  I get so tired of them always being in trouble and I know they do too.  They need a space that is all their own to be able to play and burn some of that energy God gave them.

Correcting and Reconnecting

That's about how my day goes all day long.  The correcting part comes easy.  I jump on that bandwagon in a split second.   I am there before I even intend to be.  Parenting so many young kids had made me very reactive... When the 2 year old is eating a sharpie, the 3 year old is playing in the sink, and the 4 year old is announcing he's big enough to collect eggs by himself that reactive thing gets intense.

BUT, I am actually learning something...  I am going to correct and I may not be Polly Perfect in my style, but I reconnect as soon as possible.  I smile at them or touch them softly or make a funny face. I behave as if I actually like them and  I show in some small way that I want to stay connected.  When I do that the tension inside them releases, sometimes a little... sometimes a lot.  We rarely have deep and meaningful conversations.  I just find a way to show a little "I like you," and it is one of the things that makes my chaotic life work a little better.

Hiding

I am hiding in my room.   They should be in bed, but they are peaceful and calm and kind to each other right now. Something magical happens at bedtime.  They get super nice and quiet, like maybe I won't notice them.  I let them think I don't.  As soon as they see me all sorts of competitive dynamics come into play.  Right now all 5 are friends and I am soaking up the peace.

A New Road

We have been wading through the adoptions process as we wait for the appeals court to finish with the case.  Every form we could sign, submit, fill out, or file is done.  I am handing the last bit of paperwork we are responsible for to the caseworker when she comes for her visit tomorrow. Everything that needs to be turned in or filed with the appellate court is done.  The docket states they are "fully briefed."  From here on out we simply wait for the judges to decide the case.

I am rushed for a couple of reasons.  The first is I want to be D-O-N-E, done, with DC$ in our lives.  This last part has been easy compared to the first part of waiting to know what was going to happen to my kids, but I guess I, or rather we, are still traumatized by the experience of it all.

That gets me to my second reason.  We were driving to a therapy appointment for the boys almost a month a month ago now.  They were terrible.  The screaming and fits, and naughty behavior was off the charts.  They screamed when I was out of sight and they screamed and they fought with my helper I brought along.  When we got home they were calmer, but still ended up being sent to their rooms.  I thought they were just having a bad day.  Then later, when all was quiet and Chi played beside me in the living room he said, "Mama, I did not like it when you left me at the visit.  I was crying for you, but I couldn't get through the door." 

I was amazed.  The visit had been a year ago.  "Chi did you think we were going to a visit today?"  We take a lot of the same roads to get to therapy.

He answered, "Mama, I don't want to cry at the visit anymore." 

Blown away.  How could this fear still exist?  I reminded him we did not have to do visits anymore.

Fast forward about 45 minutes and Obie was sent to his room for out-of-control behavior.  When I sat down to talk to him I said in exasperation, "What is with you today?!  You have been like this all day!" 

He answered, "I don't wanna see S (his biomom) Mom!  She is in blanktown and she wants to get me back!  She been there for 10 years Mom!"  

I assured him we were only going there for therapy.  I assured him visits were all done.  He answered, "I don't want to go to visits Mom.  I wanna be 'dopted like Cy!"  No, Cy is not adopted he is my biological child, but Obie on some level understands Cy's status as permanent and his as unstable.

The boys' confusion and fear touched me deeply.  I understood a lot of the in car tantrums we had been dealing with on a certain highway.  When Ryan got home I told him that maybe we should consider moving someday.  Maybe that was the best way for the boys to heal...

Well, it turns out that there just happened to be a job available.  It turns out that he just happened to be hired a week later.  It turns out we were able to accept an offer on our house just 4 days after that!  We got the offer on our house, after they trudged through an ice storm to get to the 2nd viewing and write up the paperwork.  Only God sells your house in the middle of a February ice storm people! God works in mysterious ways.

So now we are headed down a new road.  And since we already have a closing date for this house it's a rushed road.  I don't know what it looks like, we are having some trouble finding a place that will easily hold our crew that has all of our specifications.  The goats and chickens are coming along!  I know that God obviously wants this for us.  I would love for the adoption proceedings to be all ready to go when we leave this place and I would love to be able to find a great house for all of us.