Mostly Cloudy

Well, I have been fighting with my laptop here recently.  Posting via phone is just a pain in the tush and I can't do it well with my Kindle either.

Today we met with our adoption attorney.  I like him a lot.  We signed up to start the petition to adopt process.  He said even with appeals he expects we will have the adoption completed before Thanksgiving.  That would be amazing.

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Wow, were things going downhill here.  Remember I was taking the Sam-E and it was helping?  I ran out for over a month, but I didn't feel that big of a difference.  Last week and early this week it was all back.  The constant feeling of being overwhelmed, outnumbered, and emotionally exhausted.  I began once again toying with the idea that maybe I should not be a mom to so many.  Cy noticed me crying in the kitchen.  You can't get away with much when you homeschool.  Little eyes see everything.  Cy said, "Mom what about your happy pills?" 

Yes, I call them happy pills.   I sort of had a "duh" moment.  When you are that far down and crying over stupid things and getting angry with people over silly things the idea that I can take a vitamin to feel better just seems like it will never work.  So I went to the drug store and picked up the generic double strength Sam-E. I started feeling better later that very same day.  Today, I am feeling a ton better.  I went and bought 80 pills which will last me 80 days.  The box says to take them twice a day, but I only need to do it once a day to feel better.

To be honest, I feel like its some kind of weakness in me that I can't regulate myself when I get down that low.  I can't pray myself out of it, or sing myself out of it, or just focus on the good things to feel better.  I can have flashes of sunshine, but life seems like its mostly cloudy.  I think this may have existed for a long while back, but before I had so much on my plate I could regulate better.  I would go shopping, or plan a field trip, or just take a walk.  I had more freedom to focus on me.

Being a foster parent or an adoptive parent to a sibling group is so much more than a full time job.  If one child is having a trauma day then the day's spotlight goes to that child.  Sometimes everyone has the same bad day, and some times they swap days, but what happens is that I can end up dealing with someone's bad day 5 of 7 days a week. No, I don't actively give them tons of attention for negative behaviors, but it takes a lot of energy NOT to give the attention to the wrong stuff and to protect the others while the negativity is happening, and then to also help that child come back from their dark place.  When the negativity happens it can start to get really big in my mind.  Instead of being one small part of a big beautiful world, it becomes nearly the whole part of a small and ugly world.

I should correct myself... ONE child with trauma can dominate a house.  I would never want to minimize what foster and adoptive parents do for any child who has come from hard places.

I had to write all of that for myself.  This is a lot like my therapy.  And now I want to say this to me...  It's okay to need a break.  It's okay to have to take something to feel better.  Its okay to pray through it, sing through it, or cry through it.  Just get through it.  Don't give up and keep going because when you get your happy pill or you find something else that works then you can really SEE their beautiful little faces and hear their beautiful little giggles, it is all so very, very worth it. 

   

Draining

Lately I have felt drained. 

Baxter (our not quite 2 year old golden retriever) died last week.

My children (all 5) have been on a rebellious streak.

I have been fighting sinus headaches and migraines for the last month.

I even feel like my creativity is a little bit dead right now.


When my husband insisted I go to our homeschool group's Mom's Night Out, I didn't want to go, but I did anyway.  We had a nice time and it was good to encourage and be encouraged.

Still I remained in a drained place.  I felt drawn too tightly this morning.  I felt done before I even started the day.  I cried out to God for his rescue from the hardness of life.  I was disappointed when I didn't feel the rescue. 

I put on some worship music and I felt the shadows lift for awhile.  I read and reminded myself the things God's Word says about parenting.  I am feeling better.

 

Baby Swallowed a Penny and...

Well to be honest we aren't sure yet about the second thing.  We are anxiously awaiting an appearance.  Zee seems okay, but I gave him back his pacifier for daytime enjoyment.  I had taken it away except for bedtime.  I had to do something to slow down the rate of stuff going into his mouth. 

While playing outside he tried to eat rocks!!!  Rocks people, ROCKS!  You'd think we never feed this kid!


This right here is why God gives kids their own angels. 

Bad Foster Mom!  Bad, Bad, Bad!

The Attorney

We have an appointment scheduled with an attorney I feel pretty good about.  I called through this list of 6 attorneys.  The one I like wasn't even on the list.  He was recommended by a fellow foster adopt Momma.

Of the 6 attorneys on the original list only 2 of them called me.  One attorney wanted me to sign papers ahead of time agreeing to pay if DC$ did not cover the costs. I did not want to sign anything before talking with someone.  There were many contingencies listed in which my family would have to pay the cost of the adoption.  It made me nervous.  I called my foster adopt friend and she told me her attorney never did anything of the kind.  The other attorney called personally, and wanted to set up an appointment right away.  I put her off because I had already contacted the attorney recommended.

I look forward to our meeting with this man.  Someone actually answered the phone and answered my questions right away.  I know the attorney has handled at least 2 sibling groups with similar circumstances to our own recently.  He is reported to be straight forward and kind so that makes me hopeful. I was told he is good about getting things done in a timely manner.   I guess we'll see, but I'll bet we sign on with him.

It's Real

I know that much.  I picked up my Chi and we danced around the kitchen.  Out of nowhere the tears came.  I love him soooo much.  I love them all and I am so grateful to God that they are in my life.  I can't believe these precious gifts are in my home.  I am so unworthy and yet I feel God's amazing blessing in all of this.  For just a moment I was overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for Chi.

Chi is Tot if you recall.  He is so stubborn.  He wants to fight.  He wants to break or be broken and he can be so very difficult.  Still, my love for him is fierce.  I want to hang on to him forever and protect him from every harm.  He and I will need care and prayer as his personality, thus far, scares the living daylights out of me, but he is my baby.

I love him as much as I love my first kids!  I am past the "fake it till you make it" stage.  I made it and I am so grateful to God for that. 

It can be scary when you have "first" kids and you know you won't ever love this new difficult child as much as you love your first children.  I want to encourage you to give that to God over and over and over again.  This has all been a process and one of the few things I have done right is to trust the process.  I have trusted that God was bringing us, or rather me, to this love-filled place and yesterday I woke up and I was there.  

Life goes on right?  Chi proceeded to act defiant and angry for most of the rest of the day.  He looked up at me with a question in his eyes when I touched his cheek softly.  "You being soft Mom?  You wike me Mom?"

"Yes, baby I like you."

Then later when he balled his fist and screamed in rage at me, "I wanna fight!!!  I mad!  You bad Mom! ... ....  You mad Mom?  You not mad Mom?  You wike Me?"

Chi is still in his journey of trusting me. Chi is still looking for a fight.  Chi is still learning to let me be his Mommy.  Chi is still waiting for pain, but I am trusting the process for him too.

Adoption Attorney

I called through the list of adoption attorneys that I was given by my caseworker.  I had to leave a message with every single one.  I guess it makes sense that attorneys are busy.

 I am not sure what to expect.  What kind of questions should I ask?  Is one pretty much the same as the next or are the things I should be looking for in our conversation? 

I know one thing I am looking for is a timely response. 

During this writing I got a call from an attorney.  I am so nervous about somehow doing this wrong.  I think I need to pray for peace here. 

The Ups and Downs

Last night as I was tucking all my children in I realized this is the good stuff.  Moments like last night are the times I dreamt of prior to having this houseful.  Giving hugs and kisses and pulling giggles from 5 precious babes is the very best stuff in life.  I took a moment to remember where the three babies would be if they weren't here and I didn't just know God was good, I felt it to the very marrow of my bones.

Today...  Well, God is still good, but there has been lots of crying and fit throwing.  My parenting slips to reacting to each new thing instead of being proactive and things get worse and worse. I wonder if God will get tired of coming to my rescue.  I was thrilled when naptime started and pray it will be the start of a better second half of the day.

It didn't help that I got a call from a family member who needed to talk.  The kids were demanding my attention and I wasn't giving it to them like they wanted.  Sometimes I know that the phone, the computer, the kindle, and the television make my life so much harder than it has to be.  I don't want to be cut off.  I want to be there for others when I can, but I want to to soak up my little family and I get pulled in so many directions.

Balance is such a tricky thing.

Meeting the New Caseworker

Obee (Tyke), Chi -begins with a K sound and rhymes with pie (Tot), and Zee (Baby),  These are nicknames we use for the boys that will be a part of their new names eventually.  I think its probably okay to start using them here because there is nothing truly identifying in all of that.

I got the all clear today to begin calling the boys by the names they will be given when adopted.  I was given a list of adoption attorneys to contact to begin the paperwork.  Yet another person (our new caseworker), acted like this was really going to happen.

Our new caseworker talked more about the adoption process than anything case wise.  She wants to make sure we are ready to go in that direction.  She is our local DC$ go to person when it comes to getting parents to sign over rights when termination is inevitable.  She does seem to have a very cut and dried personality.  There was not a lot of gush with her, but she was completely fine by me.  She told me she has done so many adoptions she can give us pretty much the same information we would get from the adoption caseworker. 

She has a few eventualities she is planning for.  She is going to try and get a signed agreement.  They are also preparing for trial, and prepping to be ready to go forward with adoption quickly if there is no appeal.  They are also prepared to go for the next 9 - 12 months until the appeals are exhausted and then we adopt.  No one, is talking about the possibility of us losing them.  So... That's Nice.  :)

Homeschool and Life

Having all the kids at home is nice.  Games like "Copy Baby" start up spontaneously.  I personally get to see my babes wonderful faces all day.  I love how they are one another's best friends.  They fight and argue, but they also know how to be together.  They spend all day together and it can't help but fuse our family.  There is no ignoring the littlest ones.  I am grateful that we have had this opportunity as a family and I don't take it lightly.  I may grumble about every nap time meaning a filled up table of homeschool work, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yes, the table is a mess, and yes, I didn't get a break during naptime, but this is how we do it!

One of those "Copy Baby" games starting up.  This one didn't last long.  Baby distracts quickly.

Life Right Now

Me - I'm tired and anxious about too many things. I have been having almost daily migraine headaches for the last couple weeks.  I have been really tired and grouchy lately.  I'm all out of my mood vitamin stuff.  Gotta get more of that.  So anyway, God is good, there are no visits, and termination is coming, and bills are doable.  Just maybe the winter blahs?  I just feel like I talk all day long.  I am rereading Love and Logic .  It reminds me to stop talking myself to death trying to get 5 kids to understand and cooperate. 

Actually what I should be doing is a giant praise God session.  God has done some amazing things in our life in the last TWO weeks.  I don't want to crow too loudly, but we're DEBT FREE! Well... except for the house.

Ryan is awesome.  He is a great Daddy to his kids and works hard to be a great man for me.  His heart is not anywhere near the place of bringing in another child at this point.  That's enough for me.  We do this together or not at all. 

Cy - He is mister responsible unless he's trying to be all logical in a way that will get him out of doing something.  He is the worst culprit in the talk Mom to death wars.  That 9 year old could talk his way around anything if I let him.  He's lucky he's such a wonderful, responsible kid.

Liv - She's either off the radar, because she is being so good and easily entertaining herself or she's bringing it on too strong.  She can be too screechy when she's happy or mad or sad and its like nails on chalkboard for me.  I have been making an effort to go to her and give her my focus when she's off my radar.  Lately she is really doing well at completing her schoolwork in a timely manner.  This is HUGE for me.

Tyke - When he's adopted we will call him Obee.  I think its safe to tell you that. 

He is taking cues from Cy in the talk Mom to death issue.  There are days when he just pushes everything.  Its not that he is doing wrong outright.  I give warnings and then I give consequences.  We have had a lot of days where he does things one time just to get the warning and then he stops.  In a 5 minutes span he might do 5 completely different things to sort of cross a boundary, but not totally.  At least he stops with a warning, but seriously, its one wrong thing after another.  Then he wants to talk me to death about what he did wrong.  Eventually I get so frustrated about constant warnings that I send him to his room. 

Sometimes I hear him in there talking to himself.  It's a quiet conversation, not meant for my ears... I think.  He will say, "If you wuv me, den just say you wuv me, kay?  Jus say you wuv me if you wuv me, den its okay."  I have no idea how these things fit in, but when I hear this quiet conversation, I always poke my head in and say, "I LOVE YOU TYKE!"  He always smiles and usually adds, "I come out my room, okay?"  Then I have to say its not okay because, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  More talking... but I am not letting my little guy think I don't love him.


Tot, is learning so much right now and actually showing some understanding of boundaries.  So now he has A LOT of questions about boundaries, and life, and the ducks, and the chickens, and the dog, and where's Daddy, and when do we eat, when do we eat, when do we eat.  We have started repeating the questions back to him and having him give the answer and that is helping, but he will still ask me the same question even after he has answered it.  When one is struggling with a migraine this can be... a bit more than annoying, even though a part of me recognizes that on a better day I would probably see it as cute.

Baby, we have a fun new game we play with him.  We copy Baby.  We all sit around the table and start copying his hand motions, etc.  You should see his eye light up when he figures out what's going on.  He has everyone start hitting the table, twisting their bodies, and waving bye, bye.  We have started playing it with all the kids and it is turning into our new family game.  Its fun to see their personalities come out.  Mr. Tyke is all "Now we are eating,  Now we are sleeping, now we are brushing teeth!"  Tot, doesn't talk a lot.  He makes as many faces as Bill Cosby and we are all supposed to copy them.  Cy's choices are very complex and tricky, and Liv, makes mostly goofy sounds and does tiny motions we have to watch carefully not to miss them.

Baby is fun, and he is cranky.  He has figured out how to ask for a few things.  The one I understand the best, and that he requests the most is, "Toooookeee," which for those of you that don't speak Baby is cookie, of course.  He is attempting to throw things himself down when cookies aren't produced.  Its annoying and hilarious.  He looks up from his collapsed position seeing if he has caught our eye.  If anyone is looking (and with 6 other people available someone usually is looking), then the sobs become even louder.

So anyway, I'm tired and I get too many headaches, but really I am okay.  My babes are wonderful, exhausting, and needy, but that's life and I am glad to be their Momma.

How do you know?

How do you know if you can truly handle more children? 

How do you know if God is asking you to do that? 

How do you know that you just aren't crazy?

There is this girl...  She would never have made it on our checklist for age, etc.  I heard about her this weekend.  I looked her up, and started crying.  How do I know, I am not just crazy? 

There are so many kids out there needing a family and we have room for another.  I don't know if I could do it, but I WANT to do it.