Good, Bad, and Ugly

We watched The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly this past week.  I have some Good, Bad, and Ugly going on too!

I am doing better actually.  I have been working on a Bible Study dealing with anger and praying a lot.  This is my Good in all of this. Yes, I have been dealing with anger and I know that is Bad.  It is amazing how the verses are helping me.  After reading a verse about "a kind word turns away wrath,:" I noted that the stress is making me angry and that my anger is making more stress. Anger sometimes seems like a quick fix, but it is temporary at best and it makes things worse ultimately. At that point things can get Ugly.   I am learning, so that is something. 

If I am going to thrive here I need:

Bible Study and Prayer

Sleep

and.... Help.

I have a sweet girl here to help me 5 days a week for the rest of the summer.  I got my laundry done today.  It was really cool!

I am taking steps to make things right. This is real life.  We can't hypothesize about what will and won't work.  I have to do my best and pray for the rest.  God has me and I am not letting go of him.

I am not letting go of these boys.  We are together... for better or worse until the Father separates us.

Help!

I am drowning and I am looking for answers.  Failure is not an option.  I feel like adapting is better, but my ideas keep being criticized.

I am trying to decide how best to emotionally detach from in-car temper tantrums.  I can get them to stop, but only with pulling over and giving attention to the bad behavior.  I had the idea that maybe I could wear my ipod in one ear and not be so swallowed up in the screaming and so affected by it.  I was told, "You can't do that!  You have to be fully alert to everything going on around you."

I decided to hire a girl for summer help.  I want us all to be able to go and do things together and still enjoy summer safely.  I was told, "If you can't do it without help maybe you just can't do it.  What makes you think you will be able to handle it once summer help is over?  You think they will be better by then, but maybe they won't."

I feel like nothing I do is going to be right.  Maybe this person is right.  Maybe I am not cut out for this.  If I can't handle listening to a 45 minute car tantrum without some way to help me tune out, and I can't take all 5 out safely, control the situation, and still enjoy my life, then maybe I can't do this.  I don't know what to think anymore.

All I know is I felt like God called me to do this.  I felt like he has shown me not to give up.  If I give up on these boys I will carry it with me forever, because I do not feel peace about it being the right thing to do.  I only feel like it is the easy thing to do.

And let's not forget I actually LOVE these boys!  I don't want to hurt them or cause them more pain.

If I shouldn't do anything I have thought of and I can't send them away, then, what should I do?!

 

Mama Love

     Mama love is different than your average run of the mill love.  Mama love can laugh when a toddler pulls out all of the toilet paper in the bathroom.  Mama love smiles and chides when a curious toddler puts their hand through the butter stick.  Mama love doesn't feel angry when a toddler screams because he can't force the wrong end of Legos together.  Mama Love doesn't mind a toddler running out the door even after you have said no.  Mama love doesn't fight the urge to push a child away that screams in their face. Mamas teach and nurture and cuddle.  Right???

Maybe its been too long since my kids were this little. I know I got irritable with them.  I know the toddler years were hard, but some days I feel like I am just pushing through a swamp of irritation.  Maybe its because there are 2 little boys so close in age and they are both very hard.

I feel guilty because I don't feel like I have Mama Love for Tyke and Tot.  Oh, I love them.  I want them protected and I want them happy. Most days I would even adopt them if I could. But... What if Mama love doesn't kick in? I don't know anyone who has adopted who will talk about this.  When does it kick in?  If it hasn't kicked in by now will it ever kick in?


I do find it easy to love on either boy when we are just one-on-one.  I just can't handle the constant barrage of irritations very well and it is hampering my ability to attach to the boys in a way that would be the most beneficial for them.

Here is a quick example.  Tonight, as I prepared to take the boys to bed, Tyke complained and Tot ran away as fast as he could. I go and collect Tot, correct and teach, head for the stairs again. Tot has become willing to cooperate so now Tyke decides his legs no longer work.  Tyke does not want to go upstairs. I encourage, correct, and resign myself that he will not do this without screaming.  We walk up the stairs agonizingly slow so Tyke can have his fit and Tot won't run off again because I am not holding his hand.

Time to brush teeth.  I put toothpaste on Tyke's toothbrush as Tot heads to the toilet to dip his hand.  I stop teeth brushing, stop Tot's toilet exploring, correct and redirect.  Now we resume teeth brushing.  Tot tries to leave the bathroom.  I think where is Ryan!? I stop Tot and have him sit in the bathroom chair and I resume tooth brushing.  After I finish, I start Tot's teeth and Tyke picks up the bathroom sink stool and runs around with it.  Tot screams in anger because Tyke is moving his stool and Tyke just runs.  I stop brushing teeth and correct the behavior. 
We finally get teeth brushed and now it is time for fresh diapers and body lotion.  Tyke screams the whole time that he did not poop, as if that has something to do with the need for fresh diaper.  Tot, thankfully holds relatively still.  Tyke decides he wants to sit on the potty before getting dressed so I lotion Tot's body and hair.  Tot complains LOUDLY that he is cold.  This gets Tyke considering the idea and before any lotion (warm by the way) touches his skin he begins crying about being cold.  Tot, peaceful for now, gazes at his crying brother.

I have forgotten to bring pj's into the bathroom so we head for the bedroom to gather pj's.  The smell of freedom as we leave the bathroom ignites another fresh round of protests.  I set the boys down and pull out some pjs.  Both boys begin jumping on the bed and Tot yanks one of my daughter's sticker butterflies off her wall.  I correct Tot and he screams at me.  Tyke cries that he is not tired and Tot makes spitting noises so I will know he is mad at me.  I am able to get Tyke dressed fairly easily, while Tot makes it more of a wrestling match.  No screaming or crying at least.  Tyke, sensing my distraction, makes a beeline for the door and downstairs.  I am able to capture the wily 2 year old, but not before the previously content baby is able to catch a glimpse of me NOT with him.  Now Baby is crying, Tot is crying, Tyke is crying.  "I NO WAN GO BED!'  The boys quickly decide they are done crying, but Baby continues to cry through prayer time and the obligatory "Jesus Loves Me."  (On a side note... It feels very strange to sing Jesus loves me directly proceeding a wrestling match and while listening to Baby sob as if I may never pick him up again.)  I tell the boys goodnight and that I love them.  I escape to sobbing Baby.

Good news!  I only have 3 more children to do the bedtime thing with and a kitchen to clean.  Okay, you got me, the kitchen is still messy.  I wanted to blog.

These little scenes take place all the time.  I am tired and experiencing the frustrations only irrational toddlers can provide.  I don't get the chance to focus as much as I would like on bonding, I am just trying to keep everyone alive, healthy, safe, and feeling cared for.  I a

I am no saint by any means.  The behaviors get to me after a while and I start getting really irritated and my bad attitude makes me question if I have the real Mama Love for these boys.

Sometimes They Sing...

Sometimes they sing to me.  Most often the songs are not recognizable.  It sounds like a conglomeration of songs I know and some new things intermixed.  I love that they sing.  It requires a light heart.  Tyke and Tot never used to sing.

Sometimes they don't clean their plates.  Whether it is the unwanted green beans, or the ham slices that are not a favorite for Tyke, the boys leave food on their plates.  I love that the boys don't always clean their plates.  It requires believing their will be more food later.  Tyke and Tot never used to leave food on their plates. 

Sometimes they play with Baby.  For the most part, when the boys arrived, they ignored Baby or made threatening gestures to Baby and shouted at anyone trying to touch Baby.  I watch them come to Baby now with the simple goal of making him smile and laugh. I love that they play with Baby.  It requires believing it is safe to let their guard down and just enjoy another person.  Tyke and Tot never used to let their guard down.

Thank you Lord for how far these boys have come.  Whether they are in my life for a few months or forever, let me not lose sight of how you have used this place, as imperfect as it may be, to bring peace and stability to the boys.

A Step in the Right Direction

The caseworker wanted to come and visit the boys yesterday.  She called me 40 minutes before she arrived, but I was able to make it work.  I'm glad I did.

She came and we talked.  She said she wants to terminate rights.  I asked about placement with Bio Grandma.  She basically said, she would not willingly place a dog with this woman...  Interesting. I asked about other family.  She said, "No one is stepping forward."

I know the kids' court advocate wants to terminate.  Now the caseworker is saying she wants to terminate.  I know this could all be the flavor of the week, but I was ridiculously happy after talking with her yesterday.

As the day wore on and I settled down I realized that her saying termination does not mean it will happen.  We have a long way to go.  There is a court date on May 23 in regards to Bio-Mom's lack of following the case plan.  Before, the caseworker told B. M.  the judge would warn her and give her one more chance.  Yesterday she was saying the judge may decide there should be no more visits.

She said she may have to give some visits to Bio Grandma, because she needs them to document Bio Grandma's poor behavior with the boys.  However, the judge can say "no" to visits with Bio G.  because she has a criminal history.

Her biggest concern is if Bio G. actually gets an attorney because so much of what she knows about her is inadmissible as evidence.

I know this whole thing is a roller coaster.  I know that everything could change.  Still, for these boys, termination is the right thing to happen. It is a step in the right direction  with the caseworker acknowledging a need for termination.  If nothing else, she has taken that step for now.

The next hearing after May 23 visitation hearing is June 20.  It is at this hearing that the advocate plans to ask or file for termination (I don't know which exactly).  With my caseworker on board that should be easier for him. 

A quick side story...  I had a family member diagnosed with a disease some years back.  I prayed for peace for the family.  I prayed for strength for the family member.   I did not have the faith to ask for healing.  I know how these things usually go.  My sister was praying too.  She declared to all of us, "I am not praying for peace and strength!  I am praying for HEALING!"  My family member was healed of what we were told was incurable.  This experience reminded me that it is always okay to pray for the impossible. 

God is able  to go outside of the circumstances and make things happen.  I know the bureaucracy I am dealing with.  I know this road is supposed to be hard and long and arduous.  I know that sometimes he uses that road, but... He doesn't have to.  I know my God and HE IS ABLE! I am going to pray for the miraculously short road and trust his goodness even if it is the long hard road.

Please pray with me for the undeserved blessing and favor of the Lord, May 23 and June 20.  God is able.

A Marriage Check-up

I have been missing my husband a lot since we started fostering.  The stress of fostering can eat a lot of healthy family time, and add to that "life stress" and it just did not feel like we had any time for each other.  I decided one proactive step I could take would be to meet, as a couple, with our Pastor.  We did that last night and we just talked about... stuff.  We covered old stuff and new stuff and ongoing stuff.  It was stuff filled!

My husband and I are no where near divorce or anything like it.  I just felt like we needed a jump start in the right direction.  It felt like we were getting a "well-marriage checkup" to prevent and identify any bigger issues that might be forming.  In our case, there were many things I wasn't saying because I did not want to add to his stress and he was doing the same. It left us feeling kind of lonely. 

Our pastor challenged us to keep praying together more nights than not.  We personally committed to try and get at least 4  nights a week.  He challenged us to take steps to deliberately set aside time to nurture our walk with the Lord.  It felt good because, as a couple, we were committing to do these things.  He and I both do these things separately in our own way, but not together very much.

We will be meeting one more time as a way to be accountable for how we are doing the things the Pastor challenged us to do.  I am hopeful that this will be all we need for this year!

While we were there I was told that our youth pastor is taking one of my ideas!  He is going to start an adoptive and foster parent support group within our church!  I had mentioned one time that it would be an amazing ministry because there are so many of us in our church.  One of the biggest issues I had been dealing with was this feeling of not doing things right and not knowing what to do.  I found a couple other families in similar circumstances and talked to the wives.  It was a major comfort to me to know their struggles and triumphs.

I think this group will also be good for our marriages.  In church now, we can easily attend and never form relationships.  Especially when our children our so young it is just easier to get the home before a "meltdown" occurs.  This could help us to form relationships with a core group of people who "get it."  It could give ideas and encouragement which I think will help us to keep a healthy outlook about it all.

Our first gathering will be a catered dinner where we will be asked to share ideas about what types of things our church could offer to support its adoptive and foster families.  I have one idea of "small group" style gatherings where child care is provided, but I haven't developed it beyond that.

 If your church was or is offering this ministry what would you like to see as a part of that ministry?

Cleaning or Sleeping?

I stayed up until 2am cleaning because I am insane.  I really wanted to have a clean house for Mother's Day but it wasn't in the cards.  I tried not to care.  It is amazing how ignoring an issue does nothing to make it less stressful for me.

Things have been very tough with Tot lately.  It is as if he decided we needed to go back to day one.  Well, when one of the little ones get extremely emotional it seems they all get at least a little emotional.  All I do all day is put out fires!  If I attempt to get anything done I pay for it big time.  The behaviors just spiral because I am not right there to watch things and keep them on track.

During church yesterday I heard the praise of Mothers who rise early to care for the home and family.  I am not a morning person so this is hard for me.  My sleep is just awful some nights and then morning comes way too soon.  Still, I was praying because I have been so stressed out.  "God do you want me getting up earlier?"  My children, foster and biological, seem to have radar set to sense when I begin moving in the morning.  I have gotten up over an hour before their usual time only to see them appear at the top of the stairs minutes after I leave my room.

I laid in bed last night and contemplated getting up early to have time alone to work on my house and to prepare for today.  I was wide awake and starting to worry about having the energy to get up early if I couldn't sleep.  A little voice seemed to whisper "Why not now?"

I got up. I couldn't sleep anyway.   I organized and sorted and scrubbed and tossed.  I never even got tired because I am a night owl.  I finally decided to exercise some sanity and headed to bed a little after 2am.  I heard children at 7am, and wasn't even grouchy.  I stepped out my bedroom door and  looked downstairs into the clean living spaces below. I think I heard angels singing!

Change is so hard for me.  I never stick with an exercise routine, diet, or even a Bible Study plan, but I have to change here!  I haven't been grouchy today.  There is no pressure, although my house is not perfect, it's good enough for me.  I am relaxed and enjoying the babies' company and stopping fires from even starting.  THIS is who I want to be with the kids.  The problem is I have to change me.  Its going to involve more than prayer and words of encouragement.  I am going to have to actually be out of bed when everyone else is in bed (my spoiled inner-child hates being the only one up working).

This may seem very small to you, but I would like to request prayer that the Lord will help me change to become a person who cleans before bed.  This is not because I think cleanliness is next to Godliness or anything hokey like that.  I just want to be a joyful wife and mother and for some strange reason the old ways are not working anymore.

In this ministry of foster care and adoption, I have been looking for how God would change me through this.  So far, I don't feel like I have changed very much for the good at all.  Is it possible this is part of my change?  It seems like a strange thing for God to want from me.

But then again...   King Naaman had leprosy and sent to ask the prophet Elisha what he should do to be healed.  2 Kings 5:10 records Elisha's strange response:
Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, "Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed."

Naaman was upset. This seemed too simple, too weird.  It wasn't a fireworks and fanfare kind of healing.  Naaman wasn't going to do it!  His servants had to convince him.

2 Kings 5:13
Naaman's servants went to him and said, "My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, 'Wash and be cleansed'!"

Naaman did as Elisha commanded and he was healed of his disease.


I have been asking, begging, and pleading for the Lord to change me.  I want a rushing of God's presence, a sweeping away of the old and an ushering in of a new me.  I am kind of like Naaman.  I want fanfare.  Instead I got a simple solution.  Clean your home at night.  Not much fanfare, but the healing I feel today is worth the little effort cleaning will take.  Naaman had to clean his body and Mandy has to clean her house.

Okay God.

Nothing is Impossible for God

God,
I love my kids. At one point in my life I was told having children may be impossible for me, but nothing is impossible for you.

I am grateful for all 5 smiling faces this year (even the Screamer God).

They have all come into my life through much uncertainty and heartache and their smiles on Mother's Day leave me breathlessly grateful.  How easily they could not be in my life at all!

Thank you God, for Dr.  C, you gifted him and used him to help me have children.

Thank you God for the boys' Mom.  Be with her today if she is struggling.

Help me to be worthy of the honored role you have given me.  Help me be the kind of mom my kids need me to be.  Change me daily to raise children that will honor you with their lives.

Amen

Little Kicker

Today Liv kicked me because she wouldn't go to time out, so I had to take her there.  She was mad and screamy and she just kicked me. 

I got maaaad (it really hurt).  I just have no patience for that kind of disrespect.  I kind of dumped her in timeout and she stayed extra long and she got quite a lecture. 

I am so glad she kicked me.

I was so mad at her.  I was so stinking frustrated to have to go over such a simple thing that she should understand.  It was just like the boys make me feel sometimes. 

Not everything is because my boys are foster children.  There is some weird comfort for me that kids are just bad sometimes and parents are just mad sometimes and that is just life sometimes.

I Miss Him

I am toying with whether or not I will post this one...  It's very close to home, and yet it is part of the reality of fostering and adopting.

I miss my husband.

I work with the kids all day and he works for his company all day.  I make dinner and he takes care of the chickens. I clean up the house and he takes the kids outside to play with and around him.   I get kids ready for bed and he finishes a project in the workshop.  We take turns tucking them in and kissing them goodnight.  Sometimes I have items that need doing after kids bedtime.  Sometimes he has items that need doing after bedtime.  Sometimes we don't really need to do anything, but we are still ignoring each other for cellphones, laptops, and television.

On the weekends we have soccer and church and work projects to be finished.  We make time for the kids.  There does not seem to be time for us.  We don't want to spend money foolishly on expensive babysitters and nights out.  We stay home and we stick to the routine.  Its better for the kids if we keep to the routine and its better for our budget.

Those little things... The irritations that you put up with because you love that man and the things that he puts up with because he loves you, they start to eat at your marriage.  It is so hard for us to separate our minds from crazy town and just be those two kids who are best friends.  It's easy to forget that we are two people who fell in love even though he is compulsive and I am  forgetful.
 
I can see where I want to get to I am just not sure how to get there surrounded by babies who seem determined to sabotage any interactions not related to them.  When we are there He says witty completely outrageous things and I laugh.  I read his eyebrows and make up whole sentences to go with the expressive eyebrows and he laughs.  We talk about things other than the kids.  We have intimacy (not the same as sex) in our interactions.

 I need a solution that works.  It would be so easy to think the solution is sending our foster boys away, but what if everyone took that route?  We need to learn to have us and them.  I wish I could post how we will do this, but I don't know those answers yet.  I am determined to figure this out.  God would not have called me to this if he couldn't figure out that part of things too.

I guess I am deciding to post this one.  My goal is to keep this real and this part of it is very, very, real.

A Poopy Day so far

Today has been full of interesting and exhausting work already.

Tyke woke up soaking wet at 6am.  I knew I should have changed him again right before I went to bed.

Tyke has trouble realizing he can't bounce into people when he is excited to see them.  He knocked Cy down the stairs this morning.

Tyke is having major issues not biting things.  No, no please don't confuse this with chewing.  He grabs a toy, shoves it in his mouth, and bites off as big a chunk as he can.  He destroyed some more of Cy's favorite toys today.  Cy looked a little violent in the eyes.  I sent him out for some alone time to jump on the trampoline.

Tot seemed okay.  He told me he wanted to go potty, although he did refer to the body parts with foul language.  He overshot the potty and peed all over everything.  He pooped on the potty.  Yeah (or so I thought)!  Then he was "done" so he got up while I was still cleaning up his pee spray. He left the bathroom as I called for him to come back. He just laughed and ran.  I went after him and he decided to run some more.  He ran from the bedroom, down the steps, into the living room, laughing... pooping.... the whole way.

I  was irritated, scrubbing Tot's poo spots on my just shampooed carpet.  Tot was screaming at me and yanking at my arms.  He wanted to be held.  What kind of mother cleans up poop spots when her little darling just wants to be held?

Cy and Liv during this time have a great idea.  "Let's get the baby up for Mom!"  They wake up Baby.  He sees me and cries during the whole cleaning episode.  When he wakes up he wants to be held and he wants a bottle.  The mean Mommy was ignoring him for poop spots.

We had a little lull.  Baby got fed, the house smelled better, Tyke calmed down (a little), and the boys got dressed...

I take the boys outside to play.  I did not realize someone had left a full bucket of water by the pump.  There were both boys, clean clothes now wet with dirty water, looking at me with guilt in their eyes.  Smart Tyke, says "I sorry Mom," and wisely steps away from the offending bucket.  I notice Tot, so wet he is dripping.  Tot screams at me.  He didn't expect to see me so getting "caught" is a shock.  I have to chase him... again.  He's hanging out in his diaper now.  This may be his look for today.

I got on here looking for encouragement.  I came across an article.  A mom sharing how her struggles have changed over the years as her special needs adoptive children have grown older.  I grieve the idea that if we adopt there may be no victory in it.  There may be no celebration.  Maybe I will just have to be grateful if they aren't in jail...

So I decided I needed to look elsewhere.

Romans 8:28  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I am called to this, God will bring good from it.

Zechariah 4:6  So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.

It's not about my might or power, The spirit of the Lord will do the work that needs doing.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I AM NOT at the end of my rope.  He will strengthen me, he will help me, he will uphold me!

God, Help me to believe this. Forgive me for my unbelief.  Forgive me for my lack of patience.   Meet me where I am right now.  Help me with today.  Amen.

Trauma Behaviors

I just wanted to post some of the annoying interesting behaviors I have seen over the last weekend with Tyke. 

Tyke, for no apparent reason, took 3 huge bites out of a nerf football and spit them on the ground.  He was distressed when I took the ball away.  He proceeded to arch his back and flop his body around as if his limbs had taken over control of his body.  This went on for quite some time.

Tot came over and picked up the pieces and tried to eat them himself.  This was AFTER snack time and drinks. 

Tot screams.  He will say things calmly like, "I play outside.  I ride tractor."  He appears calm and peaceful.  Then all of the sudden a piercing "Tractor RIIIIIIIDE!"  He does not get what he requests when he does these things, but... he still does them.  Lately it seems more and more.

Any type of excitement can trigger screaming.  It can be actually watching someone get corrected or being corrected.  It can be happy jumping, or it can be a song he likes to hear, or a silly sound made by someone else.  Tot follows it up with screaming.

 Cy and Liv are getting tired of it.  They scream back, "Shut UP!"

I say sternly, "Don't scream Tot, Don't say shut up you two."  Tot screams more and more.  He isn't mad.  Just screaming.

Tot has reached a new phase.  If you prohibit something then it MUST be done.  I remember this with Tyke.  I hated it.

I had a cleaner bottle beside me on the table right now.  I have been spot cleaning.  Both boys crawled on the table to reach the bottle.  Both boys put the end in their mouths and were going to squirt the cleaner in.  Don't worry.  I stopped them.  Tot screamed, "YOU!"  Me what?

I just told Tot not to touch the computer. " MOOOOOM! he screams at the top of his lungs, "You obey!"  Really?  What does that even mean?

Seriously, I am tired.

A Cancellation

I was praying and praying concerning Bio-Mom, "Lord, if she is not interested in being a mother to these kids let her cancel!"  She did.  I am happy.  Visits are off until the caseworker gets back and a court date gets set up.  I don't know how long it will take, but I am happy for the boys.

Love isn't enough.  You have to be a Momma day in and day out.  You have to handle all the good and all the yuck without doing despicable things .  My sister said yesterday, "Every Mom tends to get more mushy and loving toward their kids when they get a day off."   Bio-Mom had months off.  Of course she is seeing things through rose colored glasses now.

I was told at the last visit they could not even pull off time outs.  They spent so much time just trying to enforce time outs! No wonder they were so awful the last 2 days.  I felt like we were starting with square on some trauma behaviors including staying in time out.  2 hours of people trying to make them have good behavior and not being successful threw them out of balance.

Tyke and Tot are coming back and my mind is eased knowing it will not be undone at visit today.

My New Ride.

I was praying yesterday, cause that's how I roll.  I was worrying about the future and what the Lord is doing and what he is asking of me and so on and so forth.   That sort of thinking always leads me to prayer, and then I get to asking my Lord for a little peek into his marvelous plan.  I prayed, "Can you give me some sort of indication of your will here."

I no sooner finished prayer time when my email notification went off.  A random foster mom had emailed several other foster parents to let us know she had an 8 passenger minivan for sale.  

Well, I had been thinking if this was going to be a forever thing we needed to get a second 8 passenger vehicle.  Something that will hold all of us now and 1 more (because I have a feeling).  My husband and I have been looking but uncertain about being able to find a good deal on an 8 passenger van.  The lady's price was nice and low, so she was speaking my language.

I have a new (to me) 8 passenger van sitting in my driveway.  Its not all flash and beauty, but it is functional so... Hallelujah! 

It helped me deal today when today's visit happened and Bio-Mom did a good job.  I am praying for her, so of course she's doing better.  Dang it!  Why am I praying for her?  Who is going to fill up my van if these boys leave?  Still, I am going to keep praying for her.  God wants me to and I want to get a gold star from him even if everything else is rotten. 

I don't want to steal anyone's kids.  I think she loves them.  Short of murder, I know she has done the worst a parent can do to  their kids.  Is she putting on a show?  Is she turning her life around?  Can a parent do certain things that should mean instant termination even if they are sorry?  I don't have these answers.  I have a van.

That's my story for this day.  Bio-Mom is on the right track and I just purchased a van.