No Contact

I made the right contacts to look in to reopening our home.   We could reopen our home because our license has not been closed for too long.  I talked to 3 different people and was told we would be contacted about relicensing.  I did all of this 2 weeks ago.

No contact from anyone.

So... I am not going to worry about it.  The whole thing is too big for me.  If God wants it to work out he will change the situation to work.

I saw a new picture of baby girl.  Her hair was adorable, her outfit a perfect little white tutu, the rooms around her were clean and picked up. The pics of Mom show similar  self care.  As of right now even I would not pull her away based on what can be seen.

I will continue to pray, but I can't guess what is best.  Only God knows.

Update on my babies?   Cy is 11 and after recovering from a compound fracture of his arm he is back in gymnastics.  He is chronically absent-minded' but super intelligent, and striving to honor God and his family.   He and Obie are pretty tight.

Olivia is doing well, but continues to need to be pulled out of the boy craziness from time to time and have Mommy - Daughter time.  I thank God my sister and her 3 girls are close.  Jazz and Olivia are 3 months apart in age so they are best frenemies!

Obie's biggest issues right now are his struggles to do EVERYTHING Cy and Liv do.  He is helpful and good natured and talented.  He can get anxiety, but we can usually talk him through it.  He successfully handled his first big kids weekend with Cy and Liv at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  Everyone said he was awesome.

Malachi is growing up a lot.  He helps do the chores and is beginning to think of others to some extent. His love for animals has helped with this.  It has taught him compassion.  He still struggles the most with resiliency and anxiety.  Example:  he just hit Zee in the face 3 times because as he said, "he was standing to close and it was scaring me."   We will be talking with his doctor about this kind of thing soon.  Everywhere we go and everything we do we have to plan, prepare, and make accomodations, for Chi.  We have gotten used to it, but I wonder if something more can be done.

Zee has spent these past few months adapting to our expectations to be a big boy and use his words, and obey.  He his a charmer as nearly all babies of the family are.  He likes to sing and dance, and loves anything to do with tractors.  He likes to push his siblings buttons and tries to take advantage of his baby status to get his way.

All in all I have a pretty terrific bunch and we are making our way through life feeling blessed beyond measure.

Sibling Conversations

Talking about adoption is open in our home.  Three of my children have a first Mom experience to fit into their understanding of life.  Two of my children do not.  Sometimes my oldest do not completely understand the best ways to encourage without dredging up emotional stuff.

Here are a few examples.  There have been times when one of my youngest has tried to begin an emotionally sad discussion about his first Mom right at the point where his brothers are having a super good time.  I have learned to stop that before it gets started because it gets his siblings in an emotional twist.  I say, "We will talk about that as much as you want.  Later." And we do talk about it.

Well, Liv doesn't exactly understand and she has that girl thing of trying to talk like she's the Mom.  So annoying...  So when the same child brought up a simple comment about his first Mom at breakfast, she spouts, " You DO NOT talk about that!"  I shut that girl down quicker than she could draw another breath to spout more nonsense.

If I recall it went something like, "He MAY talk about his first Mom and if you act like that again you will spend the morning in your room!," switch to sweet voice, "What were you saying, honey?"  I tried to rescue the moment in the middle of a hurried morning routine, but my "save" felt inadequate. Was it my fault because I have stopped discussion before?

Then there is Cy.  He is kind of a mushy ridiculous type when it is just our family.  He knows it and it is fun for the two of us since we are similar.  He says in a baby voice,  "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy ever, I like you, you are my favorite," he adds in a cheeky aside "That's probably because you are my only Mommy but still..."  This comment is completely silly and adorable and no big deal, until I realize Obie is sitting out of my view listening to every single word.  When I filter it through his eyes, Cy's 11 year old silliness seems almost cruel.  Do I say something and make Cy feel bad?  Do I leave it be and hope Obie gets the silliness aspect?

My quick possibly inadequate fix, "Your SILLY!"  Thinking... please hear this as silly, please.

Then there is stuff with the 3 youngest, Malachi says something about  their first mom, Zee, who will argue the color of the sky right now and who does not remember S- yells, S- not my Mommy!  Mommy is MY Mommy!"  Chi yells back to correct Zee and a fight erupts.   I rush into the room to try to help them both understand.

My fix? "Chi, Zee doesn't remember S- but she was your first Mom before you came to me and now I am Mommy.  You are both right!  This I say with a big smile and an excited voice.   Hoping... praying, they will take their cue from me.

I get so scared of messing this up sometimes.  There are so many people I need to help sort it all out.  I am doing my best, but people assume my children reflect me.  I assume they do too, so when one of them hurts the other with their words I think, what else should I be doing better?

I think I am a very lucky Mom to have this amazing family.  I just want to do a good job.  You know?!

Leave it Alone

What do I do when my children deviate from chores to build a castle together? I sneak up and snap a picture of course.  Peace with so many siblings is something that should be left alone.

No blogging

No blogging today Zee is 3.  He NEEDS everything... now.

No blogging today, Chi is waiting for me to turn my back... just once.

No blogging today, Obie is doing backflips in the living room... again.

No blogging today, Liv needs some special time with Mom because she's lost in a sea of boys.

No blogging today, Cy is relearning long division  and has forgotten... everything.

No blogging today, 9 kids need their teacher.

No blogging today there's home to be kept.

No blogging today, there's life in the way.

House Shopping

We ended up house shopping again this weekend.  We had made an offer on a short sale, but the bank was in no hurry to respond.  We decided we had to take this weekend to house hunt again.  At the end of the day Saturday we found a 6 bedroom, 10 acre beauty with buildings all set to go for our animals.  The property was bank-owned and was over 100K less than the closest alternative.   

When we got inside the 3 youngest started running and being noisy in general and the large house just seemed to welcome their exuberance. We couldn't really blame them,  they were cooped up all day.

 Yes, we brought the babies along.  The trauma behaviors during our last overnight trip leave me fairly certain that the friend who stayed with them won't be willing to come back.  She is very nice but was overwhelmed by their constant push back.   And... Obie and Chi can sense that in people.  It wasn't fun for us getting them back in shape last week. 

 Anyway, back to my house hunting.  We decided after the first house they could not go inside these peoples' beautifully decorated homes.  Our boys were literally climbing the walls because the stone masonry gave just enough hand grip to get them going.  My anxiety was off the charts in that house.

Lucky for us the realtor's husband also came along to help drive her on the bad roads and we had our 4 wheel drive as well.  Between the 4 of us we were able to go through the homes and swap kid supervising/entertaining.   We rewarded decent behavior with cookies, grapes, and carrots and my food loving boys figured the program out very quickly.

The last house was empty.  I told them I wanted them to get out and run and boy did they.  They ran up and down the steps and in and out of bedrooms from one side to the other and we still were able to talk and concentrate.   That house can handle my boys.  They ran outside for a bit and opted for busting through snow drifts rather than taking the nicely shoveled paths.  They had some energy to burn.

We offered more than the asking price. I am praying the offer gets accepted tomorrow,  but they have till mid-week to respond.  This house felt like home.  I am praying it will be. 

No House

I am trying not to get overwhelmed,  but truthfully every 15 minutes or so "overwhelmed" sneaks up on me.  Our house here is spoken for, we have a date we have to be gone from this place and we cannot find a place to go that isn't smaller or needing work we no longer have much time to do with so many little ones.  We are talking about moving into something smaller.  When my husband brought that up yesterday I cried a little.

My kids are so rowdy.   4 boys cannot be contained in their youthful exuberance without stifling them more than I want to.  I can't imagine having to protect the furniture,  walls, and windows even more than I already do.  This winter of being so cold and nasty has made every single square foot  of the home we currently have a precious commodity, and yet I have still felt smothered at times.

I have a prayer request.  We found one house that would hold all of us easily.  We decided to put in an offer and then found out it was a short sale.  Everyone says short sales usually take forever.  I would love to have this home although currently it feels like even more than what we need.  We are getting ready to walk away from the deal and put in an offer on something that isn't nearly as perfect for us.

I know these are the concerns of a spoiled American.  Please pray God would change my heart attitude and please pray we would find the house God has picked out for us very quickly.

Hiding

I am hiding in my room.   They should be in bed, but they are peaceful and calm and kind to each other right now. Something magical happens at bedtime.  They get super nice and quiet, like maybe I won't notice them.  I let them think I don't.  As soon as they see me all sorts of competitive dynamics come into play.  Right now all 5 are friends and I am soaking up the peace.

A New Road

We have been wading through the adoptions process as we wait for the appeals court to finish with the case.  Every form we could sign, submit, fill out, or file is done.  I am handing the last bit of paperwork we are responsible for to the caseworker when she comes for her visit tomorrow. Everything that needs to be turned in or filed with the appellate court is done.  The docket states they are "fully briefed."  From here on out we simply wait for the judges to decide the case.

I am rushed for a couple of reasons.  The first is I want to be D-O-N-E, done, with DC$ in our lives.  This last part has been easy compared to the first part of waiting to know what was going to happen to my kids, but I guess I, or rather we, are still traumatized by the experience of it all.

That gets me to my second reason.  We were driving to a therapy appointment for the boys almost a month a month ago now.  They were terrible.  The screaming and fits, and naughty behavior was off the charts.  They screamed when I was out of sight and they screamed and they fought with my helper I brought along.  When we got home they were calmer, but still ended up being sent to their rooms.  I thought they were just having a bad day.  Then later, when all was quiet and Chi played beside me in the living room he said, "Mama, I did not like it when you left me at the visit.  I was crying for you, but I couldn't get through the door." 

I was amazed.  The visit had been a year ago.  "Chi did you think we were going to a visit today?"  We take a lot of the same roads to get to therapy.

He answered, "Mama, I don't want to cry at the visit anymore." 

Blown away.  How could this fear still exist?  I reminded him we did not have to do visits anymore.

Fast forward about 45 minutes and Obie was sent to his room for out-of-control behavior.  When I sat down to talk to him I said in exasperation, "What is with you today?!  You have been like this all day!" 

He answered, "I don't wanna see S (his biomom) Mom!  She is in blanktown and she wants to get me back!  She been there for 10 years Mom!"  

I assured him we were only going there for therapy.  I assured him visits were all done.  He answered, "I don't want to go to visits Mom.  I wanna be 'dopted like Cy!"  No, Cy is not adopted he is my biological child, but Obie on some level understands Cy's status as permanent and his as unstable.

The boys' confusion and fear touched me deeply.  I understood a lot of the in car tantrums we had been dealing with on a certain highway.  When Ryan got home I told him that maybe we should consider moving someday.  Maybe that was the best way for the boys to heal...

Well, it turns out that there just happened to be a job available.  It turns out that he just happened to be hired a week later.  It turns out we were able to accept an offer on our house just 4 days after that!  We got the offer on our house, after they trudged through an ice storm to get to the 2nd viewing and write up the paperwork.  Only God sells your house in the middle of a February ice storm people! God works in mysterious ways.

So now we are headed down a new road.  And since we already have a closing date for this house it's a rushed road.  I don't know what it looks like, we are having some trouble finding a place that will easily hold our crew that has all of our specifications.  The goats and chickens are coming along!  I know that God obviously wants this for us.  I would love for the adoption proceedings to be all ready to go when we leave this place and I would love to be able to find a great house for all of us. 

Sibling Issues

I cannot even believe how much time I have spent solving sibling squabbles.   It can consume an entire day. 

I learned of Dr. Kevin Leman author of  Have A New Kid by Friday.  I saw his advice on sibling arguing on Focus on the Family's website.  In a nutshell it was to stay out of it.  That has been a huge relief for me already.  I am constantly getting pulled into the dumbest arguments.  Too many times I have applied time outs to an obvious offense only to find out later that an older smarter sibling was manipulating a younger child to a point of exploding in anger.  Oh, but the older ones can play it so innocent.  "He just hit me Mom,  for NO reason!" 

Siblings will compete if there is anyone who can declare a winner.  I am not going to do it for them.  I have kids come to report all kinds of offenses and everytime I an relieved when I remember the kindest thing I can do is stay out of the battle.

Freedom

I can't put it into words... The feeling is too beautiful.  Sweet relief washed over me today.  I listened to the advocate and then the caseworker.  I held each of my beautiful boys and cried.  "Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!"  They were the only coherent words I could utter.


The judge's verdict was to terminate parental rights.  My boys are free.

Never again will they be tortured for another's amusement.  Free.

Never again will they be subject to the twisted ideas of morally depraved individuals.  Free.

Never again will my babies be held in the arms of someone who would mutilate and hurt them. Free.


To borrow from Dr. Martin Luther King.  "Free at last.  Free at last.  Thank God Almighty they're free at last."

Reunion

It was a pretty good day yesterday. At least looking back on it. I woke up so, so tired. As I do every day, I prayed for strength. I crawled out of bed and knew that my energy was just not there. What do I do? There is no choice. I put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

Cy and Liv have been gone visiting Grandparents and I knew they were coming home yesterday. Clean up had to happen. Maybe not for Cy and Liv, but definitely with my in-laws coming over. How I wonder, do bathrooms get so dirty so quickly? When will I get good at remembering to move the laundry to the dryer? Why did all of this used to seem so easy?

A-round-a-bout noon I started to feel more awake. I moved slightly faster on the chores. Absentminded cleaning got replaced with slightly more focus.

Chi had a pretty good day, so that helped. He did a lot better with the screaming as I have been working hard on that single issue with him for the last several days.

If he screams to communicate he sits down for awhile. Period. I don't negotiate the who, what, where, why, or how until after he sits... quietly. When he screams it's rarely from actual trauma. 99% of the time when he screams he is frustrated about something. I have yet to have a single event over the last 4 days make me say, “Yeah, I guess that's worth screaming about.”

Then when he did really hurt himself on something he didn't even scream. He just showed me his bleeding toe and asked for a bandage, but I digress. So, Chi has to sit, and then after quiet sitting we talk. He has shown improvement since the zero-tolerance screaming policy has come into play. He backslid a little when Cy and Liv got home. He was thinking that maybe he could at least still scream at them.

Obee is a happy boy. He has been like a lost puppy following me around for the last several days since the kids left. He just did not know what to do with himself. He has been driving me just a bit bonkers with his extra clingy, slightly rebellious, whining for everything, boundary pushing behaviors over the last 4 days. Cy and Liv came home and happy, secure, Obee came back. I suppose my boy just likes his family close.

Even Zee was in a better mood after the big kids came home. Zee's crib is in Liv's room. He wakes up to the sight of her nearly everyday. She plays silly games from her bed for him just to make him laugh. She has been missing. I wonder if that is why he has been waking up crabby? He saw her today when he woke up from nap and bubbly Zee was back.

It's these little things that remind me that my Littles are probably still carrying a lot of insecurities. They do better when we are all together. Our crazy family-life represents stability for them and they want every person in their place. I agree with my Littles, life is better with Cy and Liv around.

Parenting the Personalities

I have so many personalities in my home.  I often make the mistake of finding something that works with one personality and attempting to copy paste that same method across the spectrum only to end up sending my home into a cauldron of chaos.

I did it just recently.  I noticed that Chi would settle down instantly when I used as few words as possible.  When there is drama he prefers to use his eyes to understand the situation.  I was using far too many words with him and he was freaking out.  I had an "aha" moment.  I had been trying to get him to talk when he was upset or had broken a rule, like I would do with Cy.  Now when Chi has a big violation (think causing pain violations).  I just point at the time out chair.  We don't talk.  He is doing wonderfully and the incidences of freaking out and big violations have gone down dramatically.

Now, onto my mistake.  I over applied this technique to Obee.  He does a big violation and I point at the chair.  Except, Obee uses conversation to understand things.  When I won't talk he doesn't feel understood.  He started wailing as he went to the time out chair.  He hasn't done that in forever.  He started wailing when I finally had to send him to his room to calm down.  He took forever to calm down.

I realize that Obee and Cy are my talkers.  They make sense of their own behaviors and the behaviors of others through talk.  Sometimes that is self-talk and sometimes that is talking between themselves and an adult.  It is not unusual for me to see either child talking to themselves about something emotional.

Liv and Chi never do that. Liv will sit with an angry face and not say a word, or storm off to her room (not that I allow that often).  When Chi is angry he will destroy something while pretending to be a villian, but neither child is given to actual talking about their frustrations.

 Both of them are distrubed by seeing too overt demonstrations of feelings in others.  I am a crier.  I remember the night I talked with Liv about how much I love her.  She looked distressed and said, "Mommy don't cry."  I was touched thinking how much she didn't want me sad. Then she added, "I hate looking at it."  Ouch. Demonstrations of "big feelings" turn Liv off and freak Chi out. 

We will see what Zee will be.  He can't communicate much yet.

My point is that I have to remember to find what works for each kid and tailor my response. 
So a note to myself...

Cy and Obee make sense of their world through language.

Liv and Chi make sense of their world through action.

Zee just wants a cookie, I can tell him I am going to give him the cookie while I am getting it, or I can just hand it to him.  Just either way, give him the cookie.  One for each hand if possible.

Travel Can Be a Bear

We have been going like crazy the last week or so.  We just finished up a visit with my family and my girlfriend who lives way too far away.

The visits were great and terrible.  It was so good to see family and to reconnect.  However one of my little dumplings can seem determined to sabotage things.  I got so frustrated after awhile (this is an understatement).  I just did not want to hear him scream anymore. He cannot do things quietly.  I was questioning everything I was trying to do.

 I felt bad that not only had I brought such dysfunction into my home, but that my entire family was now having to deal with constant screaming during what was supposed to be "fun" family visits.   This boy seems primed to know when my options are limited and although we are working on empathy when he's frustrated he still does not care how it makes anyone else feel.  When you add this dynamic to my Mother's 1200 sq. ft. and 15 other people...  uncomfortable would be another understatement.  We all tried to stay outside as much as possible.  6 family members left early.  I couldn't leave as that was where the Littles and I were staying.  I was so embarrassed. Even with Cy and Liv sleeping over at an aunt's this visit just did not work.  I wonder if I will ever be able to stay with my Mom again.

 I poured out my heart to God in prayer and felt him tell me to "hold on, help is on the way."  I you tubed the song with those words and it felt like it was written for me and where I was at that moment.  I left to go to visit my friend because she still wanted me to come.  I wondered if we were both crazy.


I left for my girlfriend's house in continued prayer.  Shortly after we arrived it was like I had a brand new kid.  He still spiraled, but only a couple of times, and I felt brand new too.

My girlfriend was first a foster mom to many kids and is both and is now a Momma to 6 children through birth and adoption.  You may remember me mentioning her retrieving the last 3 from the Congo last year?  She was such a balm for my wounded heart.  She knows all the best and worst about me and she still loves me.

Her house had a perfect setup for our combined 11 children.  She has a gi-normous playset in her gi-normous backyard.  Her home is full of wide open playing spaces, and walls and ceilings are insulated just for the joy of less noise.  My kids could spread out and play.  It made my day and theirs. 

I walked around her house and mentally stole ideas.  I am going to be making some changes here at home.  I still don't know how to travel 5.5 hours away and be okay, but life at home can be more peaceful.

Grouchy Kids

I am really very tired of my oldest children fighting.  They are so whiny today.  Its a blame game constantly.  I sat down to play cards with them during nap time.  This is not something I do.  I usually take "me" time during nap time or I get some work done. The behaviors with Cy and Liv were just a little bit grating and obnoxious nearly the entire time.

I wonder if they are over tired?  I put them to bed early last night because they had a late night or 2 over the holiday weekend..  They are going down early again tonight, somehow they have to snap out of this.  They are driving me nuts.

When Cy gets this way he pretends to be helpless and Liv just gets screechy and she and Chi share the same propensity to take a swing when angry.

I guess that's life with so many.  Someone is always needing some Mom therapy, whether they are a first kid, a foster child, or an adoptive child. In my experience dysfunctional can spring from any angle!  That's childhood.

Leaving the Safe Zone

This first part is not the point of this post.

 ------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit.  I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker!  She comes when she says she is coming.  She makes what seems to be common sense decisions.  I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----

The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case.  She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance.  I can't relax until I know the boys are free.  I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.

The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal.  We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt.  I don't want to wait!

Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$.  Seriously! Every. single. time.  I think "what is going to go wrong now?"  I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us.  Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated. 

As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts.  I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.

As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids.  As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior.  It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day.  There is NO saving the day.  I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves.  So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all.  I tried to protect us all when I could.  I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone.   Someone else was hurting with them.

Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare.  We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life.  I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart.  Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.

A Sampling

For some reason I am having difficulty uploading pictures...

I had a wonderful day out with Liv just a couple of days ago.  My sweet girl was a giggle-box and I laughed with her.  I didn't have to worry about things getting out of control with the group dynamic.  She tried to be a best friend to some local ducks and I let her because I didn't have to worry about a toddler tumbling into the water.  We went to the park and she swang as high as she could just for the momentary feel of her hair flying behind her and I let her because, well... I always let her do that.  :)  We truly enjoyed our girl time.

In other news Chi sat with me for awhile yesterday and got emotional.  He wanted to know why I left him behind the door at the visits when he was crying for me.  Oh No, the visits didn't traumatize him at all...  He laid his head on me and I hugged him.  "That's all done now Chi, Mommy doesn't have to leave you anymore."  He is my emotional boy.

Everywhere we go Obee tells everyone.  "Dis my Mom.  You gotta Mom?  Dis my Mom."  I love his ownership of me.  The other day Chi was angry because I wouldn't go get him ice cream.  He said, "I don't love you!  I love Obee, and Cy, Cy, and Liv, and Zee, but I don't love you MOM!"  I sat in the front of the van with a little smile on my face.  I had to admire his creative anger.

Then Obee got mad.  "CHI!  Dat's my MOM.  I love my Mom, and if you don't love my Mom, den I don't love you!"  At that point I had to calm them both down and bring the love back.  Still, my Obee loves me and if anyone else doesn't well... them's fighting words.  I love that boy.

Mostly Cloudy

Well, I have been fighting with my laptop here recently.  Posting via phone is just a pain in the tush and I can't do it well with my Kindle either.

Today we met with our adoption attorney.  I like him a lot.  We signed up to start the petition to adopt process.  He said even with appeals he expects we will have the adoption completed before Thanksgiving.  That would be amazing.

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Wow, were things going downhill here.  Remember I was taking the Sam-E and it was helping?  I ran out for over a month, but I didn't feel that big of a difference.  Last week and early this week it was all back.  The constant feeling of being overwhelmed, outnumbered, and emotionally exhausted.  I began once again toying with the idea that maybe I should not be a mom to so many.  Cy noticed me crying in the kitchen.  You can't get away with much when you homeschool.  Little eyes see everything.  Cy said, "Mom what about your happy pills?" 

Yes, I call them happy pills.   I sort of had a "duh" moment.  When you are that far down and crying over stupid things and getting angry with people over silly things the idea that I can take a vitamin to feel better just seems like it will never work.  So I went to the drug store and picked up the generic double strength Sam-E. I started feeling better later that very same day.  Today, I am feeling a ton better.  I went and bought 80 pills which will last me 80 days.  The box says to take them twice a day, but I only need to do it once a day to feel better.

To be honest, I feel like its some kind of weakness in me that I can't regulate myself when I get down that low.  I can't pray myself out of it, or sing myself out of it, or just focus on the good things to feel better.  I can have flashes of sunshine, but life seems like its mostly cloudy.  I think this may have existed for a long while back, but before I had so much on my plate I could regulate better.  I would go shopping, or plan a field trip, or just take a walk.  I had more freedom to focus on me.

Being a foster parent or an adoptive parent to a sibling group is so much more than a full time job.  If one child is having a trauma day then the day's spotlight goes to that child.  Sometimes everyone has the same bad day, and some times they swap days, but what happens is that I can end up dealing with someone's bad day 5 of 7 days a week. No, I don't actively give them tons of attention for negative behaviors, but it takes a lot of energy NOT to give the attention to the wrong stuff and to protect the others while the negativity is happening, and then to also help that child come back from their dark place.  When the negativity happens it can start to get really big in my mind.  Instead of being one small part of a big beautiful world, it becomes nearly the whole part of a small and ugly world.

I should correct myself... ONE child with trauma can dominate a house.  I would never want to minimize what foster and adoptive parents do for any child who has come from hard places.

I had to write all of that for myself.  This is a lot like my therapy.  And now I want to say this to me...  It's okay to need a break.  It's okay to have to take something to feel better.  Its okay to pray through it, sing through it, or cry through it.  Just get through it.  Don't give up and keep going because when you get your happy pill or you find something else that works then you can really SEE their beautiful little faces and hear their beautiful little giggles, it is all so very, very worth it. 

   

Homeschool and Life

Having all the kids at home is nice.  Games like "Copy Baby" start up spontaneously.  I personally get to see my babes wonderful faces all day.  I love how they are one another's best friends.  They fight and argue, but they also know how to be together.  They spend all day together and it can't help but fuse our family.  There is no ignoring the littlest ones.  I am grateful that we have had this opportunity as a family and I don't take it lightly.  I may grumble about every nap time meaning a filled up table of homeschool work, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yes, the table is a mess, and yes, I didn't get a break during naptime, but this is how we do it!

One of those "Copy Baby" games starting up.  This one didn't last long.  Baby distracts quickly.

Life Right Now

Me - I'm tired and anxious about too many things. I have been having almost daily migraine headaches for the last couple weeks.  I have been really tired and grouchy lately.  I'm all out of my mood vitamin stuff.  Gotta get more of that.  So anyway, God is good, there are no visits, and termination is coming, and bills are doable.  Just maybe the winter blahs?  I just feel like I talk all day long.  I am rereading Love and Logic .  It reminds me to stop talking myself to death trying to get 5 kids to understand and cooperate. 

Actually what I should be doing is a giant praise God session.  God has done some amazing things in our life in the last TWO weeks.  I don't want to crow too loudly, but we're DEBT FREE! Well... except for the house.

Ryan is awesome.  He is a great Daddy to his kids and works hard to be a great man for me.  His heart is not anywhere near the place of bringing in another child at this point.  That's enough for me.  We do this together or not at all. 

Cy - He is mister responsible unless he's trying to be all logical in a way that will get him out of doing something.  He is the worst culprit in the talk Mom to death wars.  That 9 year old could talk his way around anything if I let him.  He's lucky he's such a wonderful, responsible kid.

Liv - She's either off the radar, because she is being so good and easily entertaining herself or she's bringing it on too strong.  She can be too screechy when she's happy or mad or sad and its like nails on chalkboard for me.  I have been making an effort to go to her and give her my focus when she's off my radar.  Lately she is really doing well at completing her schoolwork in a timely manner.  This is HUGE for me.

Tyke - When he's adopted we will call him Obee.  I think its safe to tell you that. 

He is taking cues from Cy in the talk Mom to death issue.  There are days when he just pushes everything.  Its not that he is doing wrong outright.  I give warnings and then I give consequences.  We have had a lot of days where he does things one time just to get the warning and then he stops.  In a 5 minutes span he might do 5 completely different things to sort of cross a boundary, but not totally.  At least he stops with a warning, but seriously, its one wrong thing after another.  Then he wants to talk me to death about what he did wrong.  Eventually I get so frustrated about constant warnings that I send him to his room. 

Sometimes I hear him in there talking to himself.  It's a quiet conversation, not meant for my ears... I think.  He will say, "If you wuv me, den just say you wuv me, kay?  Jus say you wuv me if you wuv me, den its okay."  I have no idea how these things fit in, but when I hear this quiet conversation, I always poke my head in and say, "I LOVE YOU TYKE!"  He always smiles and usually adds, "I come out my room, okay?"  Then I have to say its not okay because, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  More talking... but I am not letting my little guy think I don't love him.


Tot, is learning so much right now and actually showing some understanding of boundaries.  So now he has A LOT of questions about boundaries, and life, and the ducks, and the chickens, and the dog, and where's Daddy, and when do we eat, when do we eat, when do we eat.  We have started repeating the questions back to him and having him give the answer and that is helping, but he will still ask me the same question even after he has answered it.  When one is struggling with a migraine this can be... a bit more than annoying, even though a part of me recognizes that on a better day I would probably see it as cute.

Baby, we have a fun new game we play with him.  We copy Baby.  We all sit around the table and start copying his hand motions, etc.  You should see his eye light up when he figures out what's going on.  He has everyone start hitting the table, twisting their bodies, and waving bye, bye.  We have started playing it with all the kids and it is turning into our new family game.  Its fun to see their personalities come out.  Mr. Tyke is all "Now we are eating,  Now we are sleeping, now we are brushing teeth!"  Tot, doesn't talk a lot.  He makes as many faces as Bill Cosby and we are all supposed to copy them.  Cy's choices are very complex and tricky, and Liv, makes mostly goofy sounds and does tiny motions we have to watch carefully not to miss them.

Baby is fun, and he is cranky.  He has figured out how to ask for a few things.  The one I understand the best, and that he requests the most is, "Toooookeee," which for those of you that don't speak Baby is cookie, of course.  He is attempting to throw things himself down when cookies aren't produced.  Its annoying and hilarious.  He looks up from his collapsed position seeing if he has caught our eye.  If anyone is looking (and with 6 other people available someone usually is looking), then the sobs become even louder.

So anyway, I'm tired and I get too many headaches, but really I am okay.  My babes are wonderful, exhausting, and needy, but that's life and I am glad to be their Momma.

How do you know?

How do you know if you can truly handle more children? 

How do you know if God is asking you to do that? 

How do you know that you just aren't crazy?

There is this girl...  She would never have made it on our checklist for age, etc.  I heard about her this weekend.  I looked her up, and started crying.  How do I know, I am not just crazy? 

There are so many kids out there needing a family and we have room for another.  I don't know if I could do it, but I WANT to do it.