I was looking at my post from December 22 of last year. I recall how my heart yearned that Christmas for the missing family members. I would sit in my rocking chair and stare out the window at the pond filled with heartsick yearnings. I felt so frustrated with myself because I had a very hard time being present and in the moment that Christmas. I so wanted my missing children to come home, wherever they were. I was begging God with every other breath to bring my family home. Little did I know there was a newborn, a one year old, and a 2 year old out there who were about to rock my world.
This year, 3 wonderful boys are here. I love them so much. With termination being filed there is a big part of me that is starting to see them as my forever babes. Ryan and I talk about how to honor their names and still give them the protection they need. We talk about the upcoming school years and careers and families that will come years and years from now. We talk about the precious boys and the ways we are being knit together. We are connected to one another in a very deep and maybe dangerous way. Dangerous only in the amount of devastation that would take place for all of us if the ripping apart happened now.
They had a visit today. Even though I want visits to end I wanted her to have this visit. I wanted her to have a final Christmas with them. I took the boys to the car myself. I wouldn't let the visit supervisor help. I hushed their tears, and kissed their faces, and I made promises. I should not have made promises I had no way of knowing if I could even keep. I just needed them to be okay today and I knew we all needed to survive this visit.
They cried and begged to stay, but there was no violence. It was me and them and they don't want to hurt me. I was nervous. Parenting the Connected Child, talks about building a trust bank account with your kids. There are moments where we need them to trust us even though something is going to be uncomfortable. We don't draw from that account too often or it would damage the healing, but today I drew from that place and that is why I was nervous.
The visit supervisor commented on how amazed she was that the leaving was so easy. When she came back she told me the visit went okay. She said that the boys did well responding to candy rewards for good behavior. I told her about the trust account. The visit supervisor needed to understand that I will not continue to coerce them even in a loving and gentle way, so I made this clear to her. Also, I told her today was special because tomorrow is Christmas and I didn't want to see her get beat up on Christmas Eve. Well.. It's true!
As I put the boys down at naptime they both talked about the visit. When Tot even heard it discussed he said with a cry in his voice, "I'm not gonna go." Tyke said, "Dat's scary Mommy. I don't wanna visit." We shared hugs and kisses all around. I told Tyke visits are up to the judge. I don't know if he thinks the judge is God or if he just did it from inspiration, but he bowed his head and prayed, "I don't wanna go anymore visits God. Okay? I don't wanna go anymore. Amen." He looked up at me, 'I telled God Mommy."
My Christmas wish this year from the depths of my soul is that God would honor Tyke's prayer and my own. I pray that I will get to be their Forever Mama.
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