Momentary Grief

I was curled up trying to sleep.  I am fighting a deep cough.  The kind I had when I was pregnant with her.  The position brings back the memory of coughing while I curled around my growing belly.  I could almost feel her still there.  My body can't do that anymore...  I felt a grief wash over me for this beautiful thing my body can't do.

I feel silly.  My house of full of children whom I adore, but my body cannot nourish a life within.  I have so much to be grateful for, but in the dark, for just a moment, I wonder why my body had to be this way.

Silly, I know...

Sibling Issues

I cannot even believe how much time I have spent solving sibling squabbles.   It can consume an entire day. 

I learned of Dr. Kevin Leman author of  Have A New Kid by Friday.  I saw his advice on sibling arguing on Focus on the Family's website.  In a nutshell it was to stay out of it.  That has been a huge relief for me already.  I am constantly getting pulled into the dumbest arguments.  Too many times I have applied time outs to an obvious offense only to find out later that an older smarter sibling was manipulating a younger child to a point of exploding in anger.  Oh, but the older ones can play it so innocent.  "He just hit me Mom,  for NO reason!" 

Siblings will compete if there is anyone who can declare a winner.  I am not going to do it for them.  I have kids come to report all kinds of offenses and everytime I an relieved when I remember the kindest thing I can do is stay out of the battle.

Home Improvements?

I have new flooring, new stairs and hand rails, refurbished cabinets.  It's been a 2 week long big push to get done.  It looks beautiful, but...

I have kids out of whack.  There is peeing beds again, hitting, screaming for attention, and an unnatural concern about food.  Like, when are we eating? We may have just eaten, but I'm pretty sure I'm hungry.  What are we eating?  What is that speck, food maybe?  Better try it to be sure... 

My kids are still not in a place where they can deal with me having other prioroties.  By Sunday we were all losing it.  We finished up our new handrail yesterday.  I have been much more focused on the usual things today and although the chaos is there it is lessening.  

Such a nice handrail...

Chasing the Carrot

I get this idea that I need to step it up and improve my parenting skills.  The accusing voice immediately comes up with 10 things I should be doing.  I lunge for that carrot.  I run and run and run and fail.  Usually this fail is great big compared to all the things I am trying to "fix."

I question God.  I believe the voice that says, "YOU are your children's biggest problem."  I start to feel hopeless and pointless and angry and sad.  I begin to despair.

The next part is my favorite part.  A messenger comes.  They remind me not to listen to the accuser.  They remind me that God does the work in them and in me.  It is not by our works that we are saved.

God sent the messenger sooner in this cycle.  I mean literally in day 1.  I am so grateful for all that I am NOT going to go through this time around.

I am learning something...  The carrot is a lie.  I am never going to look like the image of mothering perfection I hold in my mind.  My children won't ever measure up to any kind of perfection either.

We all need to do ourselves a favor and ignore the carrot.  That race is rigged and I will only hurt myself and my family trying to measure up to my vain imaginings.  My race is my own and the my instructions are to keep moving and keep my eyes on Him.

Amazing Grace

I prepared the feast and we all sat down.  It was just the seven of us and as I looked at all the precious faces around my table I was grateful.  There eyes were all full of peace and joy.  There has been so much struggle and growth.  There were times I thought there would NEVER be days like these. It can only be the amazing grace of my heavenly Father that has brought this day to pass.

We finished our dinner and sat down for Cy's newest idea for a game Deer, Deer, Turkey (Think duck, duck, goose).  We all played.  We all laughed.  How did this happen?  How does God put these broken people together and make us whole families?  We are imperfect and we are beautiful.  Thank you God for this masterpiece.

Waiting for Bureaucrats

Waiting for this appeals process to complete so we can finally adopt is a little like waiting for your tax return.  I can't see what they are doing.  I have no idea what the back log is and I imagine this file sitting on someone's desk waiting to get noticed...  My tax return is only important to me and when the IRS decided to delay last year it was completely out of my control although everything was in order.  Like my tax return, this appeals process is only important to us.  Everyone else can take their sweet time.

After the holidays we are going to go ahead with finishing up our part of the adoption side of things.  We are going to do the fingerprinting and paperwork that will be required of us.  Hopefully when this all wraps up we will have done all we can to be ready and maybe, hopefully, help things to move that much faster.  I want the official forever stamp.

I heard Obie (Tyke) and Cy discussing adoption again yesterday.  I am not sure why Obie brings this up to Cy the most.  He always asks Cy, "Am I 'dopted yet?" I think in part its because he really wants to share a room with Cy and Cy's room is in the basement.  Cy's window is such that you can easily climb in and out if need be, but it is not an "official" egress window, so it is not allowed.

Remembering Who We Are

I was talking with a good friend who got a way for a couple of days.  She has 6 kids and she is devoted to protecting and providing for them. Three of her kids have been adopted for just a little over a year.  As a result she rarely if ever glances up and takes a breath from meeting their needs.

I am the same way.  Babysitters happen only when absolutely necessary, and they are coached extensively.  We keep kids out of children's church because of behavior spirals.  We sit with them in Sunday School class.  We are asked to stay close to the classroom for Wednesday nights.  I deal with constantly coaching myself to parent in a way that will not create a downward spiral.  I constantly teach, nurture, correct, coach, and sustain little ones.  We participate in therapy.  Then there is laundry.  That deserves it's own section.  We are always about our childrens' needs. This is true of many mothers, not just moms in a foster or adoptive situation.  All day of nearly everyday is all about them, and that is a good thing, but... we forget who we are.  We sometimes even let their attitudes decide who we are today.

When my friend got away she said the same thing I did on my last little escape.  "I felt like I was just ME!"  There is something so rejuvenating about remembering who we are and what we love.  There is something refreshing about remembering that there is a fountain of laughter inside that wants to come out.  In the hard days of parenting we settle for finding ironic puffs of humor in the insanity, but that is not a fountain, that is a pitiful squirt. 

I am learning through this process that all of the mushy talk in the beginning, about making time for yourself in this process is actually incredibly important.  When we are constantly trying to get inside of our children's brains to help heal and grow, or just plain subvert the anarchy, we forget to remember who we are.  We have to remember that there is life after all of this crazy.

What makes me happy?  What energizes me?  Why am I just plain cute and fun?  Taking time a little time to do the things that bring me energizing joy leaves more of the best parts of me for my little ones and that can't be a bad thing.

A Saner version of Crazy.

I am just going to start posting.  I am not sure how much of this will make sense, but if I don't write, well... I won't!

I had been very sad, mad, bad, grumpy, tired, and hopeless. I have struggled off and on for the last year.  I was improving, but there was still an obvious issue.  I had been overwhelmed.  I have been praying a lot about this issue.  On a very hard day I learned about Thin Healthy Mama.  This way of eating is transforming my mood, and my waistline a bit too :)  I am so thankful for those moments when we hit bottom and the God of all creation is right there to scoop us up with actual life changing steps to take.

The kids still have behavior issues, but the sensory processing therapy has helped a lot.  Also, it doesn't get to me the way it did.  The bad news is that for the last month the boys' medical coverage has been denying coverage, for SPD therapy, but at least I know some of the tools to use. 

Chi has really struggled in church groups lately.  Something about that room sets him off.  I can't tell if the workers want me to stay or not.  We did not go to church on Wednesday night.  I just did not want to have to pull Chi back from the edge.

We are looking at adopting again.  We got the blessing from our licensing worker and from the boys' caseworker.  Even if this adoption isn't finalized yet, we are told it will not negatively impact our adoption of the boys. 

We knew a girl who needed to be adopted because her first adoption isn't working out.  We won't be getting her as her first adoptive family does not feel it would be  best for her to be placed so closely to them.  That was a little heartbreaking for me.  We know this girl, V, and we love her, but it is not to be.

However, since considering V we have become attached to the idea of growing our family again.  We are keeping our eyes open for a placement that God would have for us.  We don't necessarily want babies.  V is 7. We just want to be a home for a child who needs us because we are starting to feel again that there is someone else out there who belongs in our family.

Budding Artist

Baby is Zee.  Tot is Chi.  Tyke is Obee.  Hope that helps Mitzy ;)  I tried to fix descriptions on my website and it wouldn't save the changes.  Frustrating.

My daughter came to me crying yesterday.  Her brother told her her artwork was no good.   My little girl loves to draw.  I pulled out artwork from 3 years ago that was nearly unrecognizable.   "Look how far you've come Liv.  You get better at what you love to do because you do it over and over."  I compared her artwork to an artist in another book.  "It's true that you can't create something like this yet, but look how much closer you are now than you were?"  I laid out all 3 pieces; her piece from yesterday, her piece from age 4, and the piece from the master artist.

I started crying.  This road has not been easy.  I was JUST complaining in prayer about my inadequacies to the Lord. I see a picture that is not nearly as beautiful as what I am aiming for and then my crying 7 year old walked in.

This picture of our family, and my picture of myself have come so far from the survival mess we were.  All I focus on is the Master version of what we are supposed to be and I lose sight of the growth from a fresh an inexperienced hand to one that is purposing to create something beautiful.  This family just gets better and better at what we love because we are intentionally working towards our family masterpiece.

I like it when things are cool.

I never had that big reconnecting moment I was obsessing about.  I just moved on to other things.  Did he get it?  Was he sorry?  Did he learn anything?  I don't know or "Ah N - yo!" As Zee would say.  We just moved on to planting my birthday orchard.   (that's what I am calling the 6 fruit trees I got for my birthday). He came up and hugged me spontaneously several times and things were cool.

That is the growth I was talking about.  Incidences of pure crazy have reduced dramatically.   Recovery times are faster.  I am able to do more than just manage someone else's feelings.   It's nice.

The cherry on top?  I got to snuggle with the 2 youngest this morning.   No trauma,  no drama,  it was just cool.  See our feet?!

Its just so stinking hard sometimes

God is so kind to give me peaceful days.  I actually start to think that maybe I did something right and we are moving into happily ever after.  

Then a certain toddler takes a stick to his sister.  He gets sent to his room where meltdowns begin.  I am tired (not feeling therapeutic) and I am just trying to shut it down.  He could have put her eye out and I don't want to have to hold him right now so he feels good about himself.  I am tired.

I shutdown the nonsense in a not so sweet way.   What does that mean now?  It means this toddler is now going to do whatever he can to thwart my authority and I will be in a tug of war until I go to him and intentionally connect. 

Except...  I don't feel like connecting with a loaded gun.  If I don't do it right we all pay the consequences.  Sometimes this is hard because it all feels based on how I perform.  Was my voice soft enough?  Was eye contact threatening?   Maybe I am giving him the wrong foods.  Did I do it all right?  Am I creating that loving connection?  

There is so much improvement,  I kind of forget when things go downhill.  God is working in all of us.  I just want to love this boy of mine and days like this it's really hard because I know its up to me, to help him find his footing.  He's being disobedient right this moment...  it's just hard sometimes.

Morning Coffee

Zee likes coffee.  MY coffee.  I have taken to giving him his own bit of coffee mixed with water.  It's the only way I get to drink mine in peace...

No Appeal?

I spoke with our adoption attorney today. He says he can't find any record of an appeal being filed over TPR.   I spoke with the caseworker today. She says she can't find any record of an appeal being filed. I asked the caseworker to check on this 2 months ago. Apparently it wasn't a priority. Now it looks like maybe we can adopt sooner than we thought. I am glad we can adopt them sooner, but frustrated that they took so long to look into this for us.

Our attorney thinks there is a good chance we can adopt by Christmas. He says he is very motivated to get it done because he doesn't get paid until it's done. Maybe caseworkers shouldn't get paid until they actually finish stuff.

At this point I really will be disappointed if they find the appeal. I am starting to get excited that maybe this is actually going to happen.

Harvest

The Lord has heard my cry.  My sweet Chi has been precious,  absolutely precious.  How is it that when he is like this I can't imagine not being able to hold his sweet smiling self?

What's working right now?  God.  I have a new line I am using.  "I won't throw a fit if you don't throw a fit."  It can be changed to I won't stomp my feet or I won't be scary if you aren't.  Anything like that.   The idea that his actions can have power over someone else is powerful to him.   He knew he had the power to make others around him miserable.   Now he's learning he has the power to keep things peaceful too.  I know ultimately that is what Chi really wants and he is pursuing that with reminders.  I have only had to mimic the start of 2 fits.  He was instantly startled and unhappy.   I promised I could pull it together if he could ;) and he did.  Thank you God.

I did gave another dynamic shift into play.   Chi was good so Obee decided he couldn't be the good one anymore. Obee has always struggled knowing his place when we are happy with everyone.  We were going downhill fast until I told him it was okay if they were both good boys because then we could have even more fun.  I made sure to love on them both and Obee, so far, is accepting this logic.

I am thanking God for this time.  I pray the peace will continue.

Weary

Galatians 6:9  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.




This life is not for wimps that is one thing I can say.  If someone ever asked me what my number one prerequisite for foster/adoptive parents it would have to be do not allow wimpy people to sign up.  I am not a wimp.  I may whine, but I am definitely not a wimp... But lately I am so weary.  

In any other line of ministry or work when we get tired we can step back.  We say acceptable Christian phrases like, "I am at a point in my life where I need to pare down," or we say, "I am learning how to say, "no.""  We DO grow weary in doing well and we take breaks.  Even strong people take breaks, wimpy people take A LOT of breaks.  

When you bring a hurting child or children into your home most of us know its not going to be easy.  We weren't looking for easy.  Most of us know that there are no fairy tales, but I think a lot of us did sign up to be a part of a very messy redemption story.  We know its going to be hard and take a long time.  We know we aren't wimps.  We can go a LONG time without a breakthrough.  We just kind of forget that we are opting out of being able to bow out during difficult seasons.  We go through the rollercoaster every day without a break and it becomes exhausting.  Watching that child or children every single day for triggers, trauma, pain, and manipulation  is beyond tiring.

This week as we go back, back, back, to urine, and screaming, lies, manipulations, and destructiveness, I want to quit.  Except... There is NO QUITTING.  These are kids who need me to never, ever, ever, quit on them.  These are kids that can't be healthier if I dump the load, they can only get worse.

Today I wonder, is this what carrying my cross is?  There is pain, and fear, and trauma, and drama, and there is no choice but to keep going.  I can't see redemption.  I can't see the harvest to come.  Its too hard right now.  I can only look at my feet through the tears that stream down my face and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

I don't know how to not be weary. I'm not sure how to get there, but I do know how to keep going.  I am grabbing that second half of Galatians 6:9.  I hope God understands that I am tired, but that I won't quit.  I will never stop believing that the harvest is coming. 

 Oh Lord Jesus please let me begin to see some of that harvest in Chi.

Peeing

Chi and I went to Sensory therapy today.  He did okay.  He had to pee one time more than usual, but that's it.  Fyi one of Chi's big things is having to pee when he's upset, bored, excited, mad.

He only moaned, cried, and twisted a few times on the ride home.  I picked up the kids, dropped off the sitters,  and headed to Walmart.   I decided to skip a ton of fights and keep him in his own cart and have Cy push Zee in another.  He, Chi demanded to pee 4 times while we were in there.   Demanding it involves screaming, sobbing, slobbering, and grabbing himself.  So I took him because if I don't he will pee himself.  The last time it was the faintest trickle, but it got him out of the cart!  He said he had to go again and started in, but then Cy said something about flushing him.  The show stopped instantly and he asked Cy not to flush him.  "I will just hold it okay Cy?"  This was said in a perfectly calm and normal voice as if he wasn't just losing it.  Part of me knows its manipulation,  but if I'm going to be cleaning pee then it works.

Later at  naptime I sent him to go potty and get in bed.  15 minutes later he's running around yelling he has to go potty.  So I let him.  5 minutes later he's screaming from bed that he has to go.  Wearing a diaper doesn't stop any of it.

So that's today so far.  Not feeling too snuggly right now.

Birthday

Today we celebrated Zee's 2nd birthday.  He is fantastic, amazing, wonderful, onery, and just about the culmination of everything I ever hoped to experience in adopting a child.  He is amazing.  He brings our entire family more joy than I can even express, but this post isn't about Zee.  This post is about Chi.

See Chi is everything I had hoped to avoid in adopting.  I apologize if this offends anyone, but I have to be real.  His special needs make me feel like a lunatic.   There seems to be no place I can zero in and be the hero for him.  He wants love but he rejects love.  He wants peace but spreads rage and chaos.  He is angry, neurologically impaired, and incredibly unsettling.
Yesterday, I watched his raging silence a store full of people.  He has a stealth mode.  He smiles and chats he can be Mr. Personality then something happens... This time it was something so mundane as not allowing him to carry a cleaner through the store.  First his back arches, his legs join the act, he moans, he throws himself in a jerky fashion to the ground and the screaming starts the screaming doesn't stop in 5 minutes it can go on and on and on.  An older lady walked up and asked him what was wrong and he stopped and stared blankly at her while she talked.  Then I announced we needed to check out, he puffed his arms out turned and gave me an angry glare and growled, "I Am NOT talkin to YOU."  Even Obee was shocked at his boldness.  I remained calm and told the boys it was time to go.  Cue the flailing, jerking, dancing like he has to pee, and screaming.  The older lady tried to calm him.  He turned his glare and screeching on her and the 15 or so adults around us went silent. Outside, I am the picture of calm, but inside?  Well, inside it's not pretty.   He did not stop screaming until we were home and then it was just long enough to tell me he was not going to his room.   Oh yes he was!

Here is the thing, I love Chi.  I mean I love him deeply.  I don't have any tricks left in my bag for Chi.  I have tried it all.  I have worked to change myself and my family for this little man, I have done so much to try and help him heal, but it doesn't work.  Nothing works for long.  Lots of things work for a little bit. My only remaing strategy that I cannot and will not abandon is prayer.  When he starts I try to remember to do nothing but pray.  Too often any other method seems only to place temporary bandages over a raging wound.  I don't remember to pray nearly enough.

Then there was tonight.  At the close of Zee's party I gave Chi a big bubble wand so he could run with the other kids as Chi had been so desperate to participate in the game.  In less than 2 minutes he had used it as weapon to inflict pain.  Ryan looked at me with incredulous  eyes.  Why would I even give Chi the opportunity to participate? We KNOW this boy.  Just as quickly he let it go.  We have to give Chi room to succeed too.  I looked Ryan in the eyes and we shared a soul moment.  "He is so hard," I whispered.  Ryan's eyes reflected my pain.  At the end of Zee's special night it was Chi we bundled into our bed for special time.  We talked with him about Dora and Spiderman, Mexican hats, and the Octopus he tells us lives in the pond.  We held hands and prayed over our boy and we prayed for ourselves.  We cannot abandon him to his anger and pain. He is 3.  He needs to know he isn't going to be abandoned again.

For better or worse he is our baby boy and we will stay in the trenches with him, because when he makes his silly faces and sings his silly songs and tells Cy, "Remember Mom loves you even though you got in trouble." It is enough.  I see him in there behind all the junk.  I see this amazing person under all that pain. I see the beautiful soul God put inside of Chi and I am so grateful that God gave me easy, breezy, Zee.  If I had been given only Chi maybe I wouldn't have held on long enough to see the beauty inside my beautiful Chi.  He is a strand of gold embedded in the rock, beautiful, and valuable,  and just waiting to be set free. 

Caseworker visit

Today an adoption caseworker came to visit.  Its our 2nd month on the new side of all of this.  We are no longer working with an ongoing caseworker.  I should be relieved and actually I am, but its still hard.  I am so excited for the day when they are just mine and I decide when and who we visit. 
I don't know why, but as we were cleaning the bedrooms today Obie started talking about biomom and became all fearful about having to go see her.  Even hearing that a caseworker is coming over is enough to bring out his insecurities.   I reassured him as best I could, but he started getting very repetitive, which is something he does when he is anxious.  Finally, I got my no-nonsense voice out and told him he wasn't going anywhere unless I said so and I would not be allowing any visits because they made my boys too sad.  That was enough for him and he moved on to discussions about new things.  Obie knows adoption means something big.  He knows he's not adopted, but that he is going to be.  He will ask me randomly if he is adopted. 
"No,  not yet."
"But I am going to be right Mom?  Right?  Then I can sleep in the basement like Cy if l want?  Right?"
Somewhere along the line he even picked up that he is not allowed a room in the basement.
Even though this time post termination is 1000x better than than pre termination I know there will be sweet relief for one little boy when this is all finally settled.

Wrote a Song for my Kids

I made this up because all of my kids respond to music far more than verbal instruction.  We are learning to guard our hearts by guarding our thoughts.  The Bible says, "whatever is good and lovely and pure, think on these things."  We are using this song in Bible time to get this message tucked deeply inside all of us.

Happy Thoughts

Good things happen Bad things too.
 They're in my head like sticky glue

Both kind of thoughts are there to think,
but I have learned that Bad thoughts stink.

When I choose to think the Bad
I know that I will soon feel sad.
Or I can choose to spend awhile
Thinking things that make me smile

The choice is mine, its up to me
Which thought is it going to be?

Back

Its been a crazy busy summer, but we are here.  There are so many things I could post, but I know I won't get it done if I try all that.

This summer has been pivotal in my relationships with extended family,  my children, and my God.  Its strange that after all this time I finally hit my limits as things were actually improving.
I had 3 major realizations this summer.

 One, I have to have healthy boundaries in my life in order to thrive.  I have NEVER had good boundaries.  Even when I did say "no" I carried around others' feelings, desperate for a chance to prove my love in some other way.  I had made myself the responsible for the feelings of others.  If they were happy I was a good person and if they were anything else I had failed somehow.  Then God brought the boys and my self grading system condemned me non-stop.  God is bringing me out of the old unhealthy mindset and helping to free me from these chains of my past.

Two, I learned that hardness of heart is not being angry and distant with God and/or others.  A hard heart happens when we fail to consider what God is capable of in a given situation. When the disciples were amazed that Jesus walked on the water the passage states they were amazed because they failed to consider His previous miracle of the loaves and fish because they had hard hearts.  If all I focus on is the storm then that is all I will see and all I will expect to see (this is where self-fulfilling prophecy comes into play) and anything else is unexpected.  When the day is hard I am learning to cry out expecting actual relief.  This should be my heart... expectation not desperation.

Three,  I am loving this family of mine.  We all have our issues, but we are becoming a unit.  I cannot imagine my life without a single member of this family.  That... is a God thing.

More Waiting

The caseworker visited yesterday.  I like her.  She tells me all the things I want to hear about how this case should have gone.  She tells me if it had been up to her they would have terminated at 6 months.  I love to hear someone be on my side, but I do think its easy to say these things after termination is done.  God had his reasons for allowing all of it.

I find myself waiting for a phone call or text regarding V.  It feels exactly liked waiting for a call from DC$.  I want to call, but I don't want to pester.  I was never any good at this waiting part.

Another Girl?

I'd say there is a 50/50 chance we will be adding a little girl to our family very soon.  Her adoption is disrupting.  It is not her fault and it is not the fault of her adoptive parents.  She and her sisters were so hurt they have become roadblocks to one another's healing.  This family has brought V a long way, but she cannot stay.  This world is so crazy hard sometimes.  there is no room for judgement.

a while ago I felt God's tug about another.  Later I felt his tug about V specifically.  I lay in my bed and said, "But God what about Him?"  I knew Ryan would never agree.  I gave myself an out.  I told God that if He wanted this from us that he would have to have Ryan suggest it.  A couple nights ago the "impossible" happened.  I contacted V's Mom and told her where our family was at.  They are seriously considering us.  V and Liv are friends, and V would come as our "guest" while the boys adoption process finalized.  Then if all proceeds decently enough we would adopt V.  She would lose primary relationships, I can't protect her from that, but this would protectt her from some secondary losses.  We already have a heart for V.  My family has been praying for her specifically for a couple months.  None of us is taking this lightly.  This is a hard, hard thing.

Deep inside is a knowing that she (V) is not being a victim yet again.  She is still in the midst of God's story of redemption for her life.  Maybe he will use us, maybe not.  We are willing.

I apologize for the mess that you are reading through.  I am posting by cell (a messed up cell for that matter) because my computer crashed.

Freedom

I can't put it into words... The feeling is too beautiful.  Sweet relief washed over me today.  I listened to the advocate and then the caseworker.  I held each of my beautiful boys and cried.  "Thank you God! Thank you God! Thank you God!"  They were the only coherent words I could utter.


The judge's verdict was to terminate parental rights.  My boys are free.

Never again will they be tortured for another's amusement.  Free.

Never again will they be subject to the twisted ideas of morally depraved individuals.  Free.

Never again will my babies be held in the arms of someone who would mutilate and hurt them. Free.


To borrow from Dr. Martin Luther King.  "Free at last.  Free at last.  Thank God Almighty they're free at last."

Therapy Animals

Chi has his issues, as I have gone on about before.  He can startle and scream and go from bad to worse before I know what started it all.  He has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder.  I haven't done much traditional therapy with the diagnosis.  I do try to be aware of that side of things and work with him to process unexpected events instead of pushing and escalating the issues.

I have heard of therapy animals, and I feel like I am getting some bonus therapy lately.  Watching Chi with all of the new animals he is the happiest kid around.  The puppies and kittens bump, tug, roll, and climb all over him and he loves it.  He is always carrying a kitty or a puppy.  He is not at all afraid of the goats in the pasture.  If I have any issues it is getting him to stay back at times.

Even with duck herding Chi is in on the action.  We herd our ducks to the pond and we herd them to their little house in the evening where they get safety from predators and a nice meal. The herding is noisy and unpredictable, but Chi even loves the ducks.  There is not an animal on this property that sets Chi off.  When he is upset you can set a kitten on his lap and he is a new kid.

Chi has struggled with empathy and cause and effect in relationships.  But with animals he seems to understands that the animals can be scared or hurt or happy or sad.  He understands his actions affect their feelings and how much they want to be around him.  He coaches everyone else on how to treat the animals.

I am loving on Chi lately.  He has been a happy boy and I think all the animal snuggles have helped him regulate big time.

Warning! Foster Care Can Lead to Goats

These past 2 weeks have seen the addition of quite a few mammals to our little farm.  We grew by 2 puppies, another 30 chickens, 4 goats, 6 ducks, and a partridge in a pear tree.  Okay, not really the partridge, but you get my point.  I never intended to have 30 more chickens (We had 25 already) and 6 ducks.  That just sort of happened, but the puppies and goats were part of the plan.

This partly explains my absence from blogging (well, that and horrible internet problems).  I have been BUSY.  I also have green beans coming in already, so I am gearing up for picking and canning. I guess we are kind of becoming a homesteading family. At least when I search the internet for answers to my questions I oftentimes end up reading advice from homesteading types.  Over the past couple of years we have been working towards growing and providing as much for our family as we can on our own.  I am no expert, but it has become important to me.

I think the addition of the 3 little boys was definitely a part of the push for me.  I kept thinking about how much food costs have gone up and how they would probably keep going up. At some point I will have 4 boys ranging from 12 -18 years old and if I know anything about boys its that they can clean out a refrigerator in no time.  We get a foster care per diem right now and the boys are little, so it hasn't been too hard on us, but I am trying to think smart and plan to use our resources efficiently to provide well for my family now, and in the future.

 We save so much money by growing our own food, and by buying meat in bulk from the butcher.  Recently a family member came to visit.  Cyrus and Liv were asking why we weren't eating out as we munched on pork burgers, sweet corn, applesauce, and green beans.  We started by adding up the costs of the meal we were currently eating.  Because the produce came from our home and the meat came from the butcher, the meal, which fed 8 of us, cost approximately $4.50.  If we had gone to our favorite "cheap" sit down restaurant it would have been $45 and a tip.  The kids and the visiting family member were duly impressed.  It has been this kind of thinking that has led us down this road of attempting to be more self-sufficient. 

All of that was to explain to you why we now have goats.  Obee can't drink regular milk.  He has some kind of reaction to the lactose.  I have to buy him special milk that costs $4.45 for a half gallon!  That is nearly $10 a gallon!  We had talked about getting goats several times.  Goats would help keep down the annoying weeds in our pasture, they would be wonderful trimmers for the blackberry bushes, we like goats, and we could all drink goat's milk becoming that much more self-sufficient.

We were given Dixie, she is a Boer goat, which is a meat goat and not a dairy goat, but someone asked if we'd be willing to take her as their life no longer permitted a pet goat.  Dixie got the ball rolling.  She ate the weeds, but did not provide any milk, which was what my heart truly desired.  We started looking around and that brought us to our Nubian, Courtnay and her two kids, Stars and Stripes (names chosen by
Cy and Liv). 

Now Courtnay is a first time freshener (I think that's how you say it).  What that means is that these are her first kids and she has NEVER been milked.   I am a first time milker and what that means is Courtnay and I are muddling through as best we can.  I saw Courtnay's Mom get milked.  I practiced on her Mom, and I thought, "No problem!  I've totally got this!"  The one eensy-weensy problem is that Court does not appreciate anyone handling her udder and she has absolutely zero patience for a novice.  After about a week of milking practice we are finally getting measurable milk,  Court still tries to hop, kick, and bump all over the milkstand, but she is beginning to settle and I am starting to improve on this milking thing.  We turned the corner the day I stared her dead in the eye and said, "YOU ARE NOT WINNING THIS!  I took on 3 little boys at one time.  THREE!  If I can do that, then I am definitely more stubborn than you are (Yes, I actually said this out loud to a goat)."  Courtnay, who is currently raising 2 demanding kids must have had sympathy because she settled down after our little chat.

So just remember if you are thinking about going into foster care and maybe adopting this could lead to all kinds of new frontiers you never even dreamed of before.  You might wake up one morning and go out to milk a goat and in some strange way it will be one of the most satisfying things you have ever done.

Reunion

It was a pretty good day yesterday. At least looking back on it. I woke up so, so tired. As I do every day, I prayed for strength. I crawled out of bed and knew that my energy was just not there. What do I do? There is no choice. I put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

Cy and Liv have been gone visiting Grandparents and I knew they were coming home yesterday. Clean up had to happen. Maybe not for Cy and Liv, but definitely with my in-laws coming over. How I wonder, do bathrooms get so dirty so quickly? When will I get good at remembering to move the laundry to the dryer? Why did all of this used to seem so easy?

A-round-a-bout noon I started to feel more awake. I moved slightly faster on the chores. Absentminded cleaning got replaced with slightly more focus.

Chi had a pretty good day, so that helped. He did a lot better with the screaming as I have been working hard on that single issue with him for the last several days.

If he screams to communicate he sits down for awhile. Period. I don't negotiate the who, what, where, why, or how until after he sits... quietly. When he screams it's rarely from actual trauma. 99% of the time when he screams he is frustrated about something. I have yet to have a single event over the last 4 days make me say, “Yeah, I guess that's worth screaming about.”

Then when he did really hurt himself on something he didn't even scream. He just showed me his bleeding toe and asked for a bandage, but I digress. So, Chi has to sit, and then after quiet sitting we talk. He has shown improvement since the zero-tolerance screaming policy has come into play. He backslid a little when Cy and Liv got home. He was thinking that maybe he could at least still scream at them.

Obee is a happy boy. He has been like a lost puppy following me around for the last several days since the kids left. He just did not know what to do with himself. He has been driving me just a bit bonkers with his extra clingy, slightly rebellious, whining for everything, boundary pushing behaviors over the last 4 days. Cy and Liv came home and happy, secure, Obee came back. I suppose my boy just likes his family close.

Even Zee was in a better mood after the big kids came home. Zee's crib is in Liv's room. He wakes up to the sight of her nearly everyday. She plays silly games from her bed for him just to make him laugh. She has been missing. I wonder if that is why he has been waking up crabby? He saw her today when he woke up from nap and bubbly Zee was back.

It's these little things that remind me that my Littles are probably still carrying a lot of insecurities. They do better when we are all together. Our crazy family-life represents stability for them and they want every person in their place. I agree with my Littles, life is better with Cy and Liv around.

Parenting the Personalities

I have so many personalities in my home.  I often make the mistake of finding something that works with one personality and attempting to copy paste that same method across the spectrum only to end up sending my home into a cauldron of chaos.

I did it just recently.  I noticed that Chi would settle down instantly when I used as few words as possible.  When there is drama he prefers to use his eyes to understand the situation.  I was using far too many words with him and he was freaking out.  I had an "aha" moment.  I had been trying to get him to talk when he was upset or had broken a rule, like I would do with Cy.  Now when Chi has a big violation (think causing pain violations).  I just point at the time out chair.  We don't talk.  He is doing wonderfully and the incidences of freaking out and big violations have gone down dramatically.

Now, onto my mistake.  I over applied this technique to Obee.  He does a big violation and I point at the chair.  Except, Obee uses conversation to understand things.  When I won't talk he doesn't feel understood.  He started wailing as he went to the time out chair.  He hasn't done that in forever.  He started wailing when I finally had to send him to his room to calm down.  He took forever to calm down.

I realize that Obee and Cy are my talkers.  They make sense of their own behaviors and the behaviors of others through talk.  Sometimes that is self-talk and sometimes that is talking between themselves and an adult.  It is not unusual for me to see either child talking to themselves about something emotional.

Liv and Chi never do that. Liv will sit with an angry face and not say a word, or storm off to her room (not that I allow that often).  When Chi is angry he will destroy something while pretending to be a villian, but neither child is given to actual talking about their frustrations.

 Both of them are distrubed by seeing too overt demonstrations of feelings in others.  I am a crier.  I remember the night I talked with Liv about how much I love her.  She looked distressed and said, "Mommy don't cry."  I was touched thinking how much she didn't want me sad. Then she added, "I hate looking at it."  Ouch. Demonstrations of "big feelings" turn Liv off and freak Chi out. 

We will see what Zee will be.  He can't communicate much yet.

My point is that I have to remember to find what works for each kid and tailor my response. 
So a note to myself...

Cy and Obee make sense of their world through language.

Liv and Chi make sense of their world through action.

Zee just wants a cookie, I can tell him I am going to give him the cookie while I am getting it, or I can just hand it to him.  Just either way, give him the cookie.  One for each hand if possible.

Travel Can Be a Bear

We have been going like crazy the last week or so.  We just finished up a visit with my family and my girlfriend who lives way too far away.

The visits were great and terrible.  It was so good to see family and to reconnect.  However one of my little dumplings can seem determined to sabotage things.  I got so frustrated after awhile (this is an understatement).  I just did not want to hear him scream anymore. He cannot do things quietly.  I was questioning everything I was trying to do.

 I felt bad that not only had I brought such dysfunction into my home, but that my entire family was now having to deal with constant screaming during what was supposed to be "fun" family visits.   This boy seems primed to know when my options are limited and although we are working on empathy when he's frustrated he still does not care how it makes anyone else feel.  When you add this dynamic to my Mother's 1200 sq. ft. and 15 other people...  uncomfortable would be another understatement.  We all tried to stay outside as much as possible.  6 family members left early.  I couldn't leave as that was where the Littles and I were staying.  I was so embarrassed. Even with Cy and Liv sleeping over at an aunt's this visit just did not work.  I wonder if I will ever be able to stay with my Mom again.

 I poured out my heart to God in prayer and felt him tell me to "hold on, help is on the way."  I you tubed the song with those words and it felt like it was written for me and where I was at that moment.  I left to go to visit my friend because she still wanted me to come.  I wondered if we were both crazy.


I left for my girlfriend's house in continued prayer.  Shortly after we arrived it was like I had a brand new kid.  He still spiraled, but only a couple of times, and I felt brand new too.

My girlfriend was first a foster mom to many kids and is both and is now a Momma to 6 children through birth and adoption.  You may remember me mentioning her retrieving the last 3 from the Congo last year?  She was such a balm for my wounded heart.  She knows all the best and worst about me and she still loves me.

Her house had a perfect setup for our combined 11 children.  She has a gi-normous playset in her gi-normous backyard.  Her home is full of wide open playing spaces, and walls and ceilings are insulated just for the joy of less noise.  My kids could spread out and play.  It made my day and theirs. 

I walked around her house and mentally stole ideas.  I am going to be making some changes here at home.  I still don't know how to travel 5.5 hours away and be okay, but life at home can be more peaceful.

Weary

I woke up weary and was just getting started praying for strength for today when the screaming started.  It has been a tantrum full day.  Baby is getting into the swing of that now too.  Oh, it can be so hard.

On a good note Cy and Liv are friends today.  Yay!  I decided on another early bedtime last night and they seem to be more regulated.  Thank the Lord!

However, today's struggles had left me feeling a very unnatural tired.

I decided to take nap time to read some of the Bible.  I ended up here...

Isaiah 27 - 31
Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel,  "My way is hidden from the Lord;  my cause is disregarded by my God"?
Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles,  they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

I am so encouraged because God sees my life.  It is not hidden from Him.  He sees my fatigue. He even sees my childrens' fatigue and he is strong enough for all of us and he CARES. 

Eagles don't flap and flap and flap to try and stay in flight.  They soar on the higher wind currents. God has a way that is easier for me to take.  I don't have to fight against every wind that blows against me.  When I do that I create my own fatigue.  I can go higher.  I can walk in His strength.

Grouchy Kids

I am really very tired of my oldest children fighting.  They are so whiny today.  Its a blame game constantly.  I sat down to play cards with them during nap time.  This is not something I do.  I usually take "me" time during nap time or I get some work done. The behaviors with Cy and Liv were just a little bit grating and obnoxious nearly the entire time.

I wonder if they are over tired?  I put them to bed early last night because they had a late night or 2 over the holiday weekend..  They are going down early again tonight, somehow they have to snap out of this.  They are driving me nuts.

When Cy gets this way he pretends to be helpless and Liv just gets screechy and she and Chi share the same propensity to take a swing when angry.

I guess that's life with so many.  Someone is always needing some Mom therapy, whether they are a first kid, a foster child, or an adoptive child. In my experience dysfunctional can spring from any angle!  That's childhood.

Precious

I just smiled as I looked at Chi munching on a snack.  He looked right back and said, "I'm Precious."  Glad he's picked up some self esteem along the way.  Smile.

Leaving the Safe Zone

This first part is not the point of this post.

 ------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit.  I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker!  She comes when she says she is coming.  She makes what seems to be common sense decisions.  I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----

The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case.  She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance.  I can't relax until I know the boys are free.  I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.

The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal.  We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt.  I don't want to wait!

Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$.  Seriously! Every. single. time.  I think "what is going to go wrong now?"  I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us.  Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated. 

As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts.  I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.

As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids.  As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior.  It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day.  There is NO saving the day.  I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves.  So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all.  I tried to protect us all when I could.  I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone.   Someone else was hurting with them.

Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare.  We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life.  I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart.  Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.

Waiting For A Breeze

 I have felt the pull for quite some time that even with all the work and all the drama the Lord was not done building our family.  I believe I have mentioned that here before.  I have done nothing toward that "goal."  I don't even feel right calling it that.  It was just more like something out there waiting to be discovered.   For a long time since the idea first nudged me I was pushing it away.  There was no way I could do more.  Life is far from easy already.  There is no way Ryan could do more.  The stretching it took for God to lead us here was pretty uncomfortable at times.

Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger.  Are you willing?  I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able.  Of course  HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.


A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again.  I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me.  I thought of my home.  I thought "I have room for one more."  How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?

I only prayed.  I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW.  I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching.  I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan.  One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk.  I STILL didn't bring it up.  I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation. 

Then I saw his eyes get droopy.  I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me.  I knew exactly what would wake him up.  "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?"  Yep, that got his attention all right.  The shocker was for me though.  He was completely on board. 

At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake."  My jaw kind of dropped.   I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago.  Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids.  It seems as though God has been preparing us both.

So where do we go from here?  Well, I am not sure.  We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now.  We are very focused on completing this first adoption process.  I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze.  We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now.  I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now,  we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.

Vacation and Termination News

Well, here I am having a fantastic vacation with my family, not that it has all been perfect.  We are in Florida and the air conditioning at the vacation house went out!  Now if you are used to a warm climate that probably isn't too bad, but we like our evenings cool.  Ryan and I are both fighting some kind of throat thing and the baby sitter got a little to fried yesterday.

There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi.  They both triggered around the water.  They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water.  Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.

 I am loving this.  Getting away and loving on my family.  That is the only thing I have to do on vacation.  As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I  had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks.  For me, this is perfect.  I love this family God has given me.\

In other news the termination trial is over.  Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling.  I am told we won't hear until around the first of July.  What is with all of this waiting!?  The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective.  She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no."  She says that's a really good sign.  Okay, well I can't think about that stuff.  It upsets me...

Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!

What I Should be Doing

Right now I should be folding laundry

I should start packing for vacation,

I should be doing Liv's hair for Family Showcase tonight,


and I should be paying the bills and balancing the checkbook.

I should be doing a lot of stuff right now, but I'm not because I'm procratinating and its sort of wonderful.


I really can't afford to be lazy with so many needing so much from me, but I could literally fill an entire day doing all the things I should be doing.  If I have learned anything in all this time doing foster care I have learned to steal my downtime from the list of "shoulds" and revel in it.




Just in case you'd like to know, Family Showcase is our homeschool groups end of the year gathering.  Our kids create projects or perform a talent for the group "showcasing" some skill they have been working on that year.

A Sampling

For some reason I am having difficulty uploading pictures...

I had a wonderful day out with Liv just a couple of days ago.  My sweet girl was a giggle-box and I laughed with her.  I didn't have to worry about things getting out of control with the group dynamic.  She tried to be a best friend to some local ducks and I let her because I didn't have to worry about a toddler tumbling into the water.  We went to the park and she swang as high as she could just for the momentary feel of her hair flying behind her and I let her because, well... I always let her do that.  :)  We truly enjoyed our girl time.

In other news Chi sat with me for awhile yesterday and got emotional.  He wanted to know why I left him behind the door at the visits when he was crying for me.  Oh No, the visits didn't traumatize him at all...  He laid his head on me and I hugged him.  "That's all done now Chi, Mommy doesn't have to leave you anymore."  He is my emotional boy.

Everywhere we go Obee tells everyone.  "Dis my Mom.  You gotta Mom?  Dis my Mom."  I love his ownership of me.  The other day Chi was angry because I wouldn't go get him ice cream.  He said, "I don't love you!  I love Obee, and Cy, Cy, and Liv, and Zee, but I don't love you MOM!"  I sat in the front of the van with a little smile on my face.  I had to admire his creative anger.

Then Obee got mad.  "CHI!  Dat's my MOM.  I love my Mom, and if you don't love my Mom, den I don't love you!"  At that point I had to calm them both down and bring the love back.  Still, my Obee loves me and if anyone else doesn't well... them's fighting words.  I love that boy.

Therapy or Not

Cy says prayers with me every night.  Well, actually I say prayers with all of them, but my oldest 2 choose to also say their own prayers.  Cy says, "God, I just pray for this adoption process since we are almost done."

I hope he's right.  He's been praying it every single night for months now.  Really, its been ever since we were supposed to have the first termination trial date in February. 

Will this thing ever get done?


And now, jump with me off subject and to wherever my crazy brain goes next.

I am feeling like Chi should just STOP all therapy.  There is something about constantly asking him what makes him feel bad or sad that is just nagging on me.  It seems counterproductive.  It's not like we don't talk about big feelings. 

Just this weekend he sat on my knee and told me he misses Mommy S and that he likes her and he does not like me.  We talked for a long time, but then he was fine.  I told him it was okay to love her because she was his first Mommy and I told him it was okay to love me too.  On his own he brought up that sometimes she was good Mommy S and sometimes she was bad.  He put his arms around me and we had a precious moment in what had started out as a rocky day. 

One thing I am learning that my boys each have their own story of what happened to them.  I am learning to respect their version of their story.  I don't want to give them my views or their siblings.  There has been a lot of healing just talking about the trauma as they bring it up and letting them narrate the events without the other brother being a part of the story.

I think the therapy has helped him a little, but that it has helped me a lot.  It helped me to understand how they were processing some very big stuff.  Now as we have had to miss some appointments I see that it isn't hurting him a bit.  It might even be helping.  I can't decide what to do.

Little Updates

We are leaving for a vacation!  I am so excited.  We aren't leaving for a couple of weeks, but I got permission to travel.  I am trying to be very ready.  I have a multitude of little things I am doing to hopefully make our trip easier.  My cheap trip is adding up.

In other news court got pushed back again.  It will take place while we are on vacation.  We were informed  we don't have to testify.  Our advocate is well enough to take the stand and he will speak for the boys.  God bless him.

I spoke with the caseworker and there will be no goodbye visit.  She agrees with the therapist that it would not be good for the boys.  Yes!

We have been doing sensory processing stuff, but he (Chi) got a lot worse.  I have learned through trial and error to do sensory activities and "therapy" when he's happy.  When he is spiraling we go no-nonsense and take a snap out of it approach.  It is working well and his therapist feels that is what Chi needs.  I feel we are making forward progress.

Obee is cracking me up.  He sees black men and shouts, "Dats a Obee just like me!"   We say that yes that man has beautiful skin just like Obee.  Recently I heard him say quietly, "Oh, he gots beautiful skin just like me." 

I want this to be better, but there are so many distractions.  At least its an update!

Getting Ready to Jump

Yay!  My amazing husband fixed the laptop issues I have been having for quite some time now.  I could get it to work, but it was annoying and sporadic.

Chi and I went to visit an occupational therapist yesterday for an assessment of Sensory Processing Disorder.  He had a broad range of sensory processing issues with some of them being very acute in certain areas of touch and auditory processing.

I have a lot of feelings about all of this, but what matters is what he needs from me now.  I couldn't believe how he could go from arching his back and flailing to calm and easy with some of the techniques she was using.  I am being trained to use a "Thera-brush."  For now I brush his arms, legs and back as much as every 2 hours.  I also stretch certain joints for 10 repetitions.

She gave me lots of pages of ideas to go ahead and try out at home.  She recommended a back pack for him because the weight will help.  She also recommended those tight shirts swimmers wear.  I am going to put lots of things he can do for tactile activities in the backpack.  She said to include things like:  straws to chew on, putty for his fingers, a weighted lap snake (think of a tube sock-like item full of rice), and a container of things with different textures, like squishy, hard, soft, rough, and smooth.  I can't remember it all.  I will have to look at my papers.

He has a lot of touch aversion even though he seeks out the sensory stimulation.  He doesn't know how to relax when he gets it.  He also does not like being in amongst unexpected noises.  He seriously hates being touched from behind without warning.  She explained that some of this is probably heightened because of his past.

Today when we went to another appointment for him, I saw his behaviors through this lens, and it did help.  I was still embarrassed.  Yeah, that's my kid screaming and throwing himself down because other people unexpectedly walked into the room, and yeah that's my kid screaming because it was time to get up when he was sitting down.  I told him we would be leaving, I told him it was coming soon, but that does not matter with Chi.  What matters is that he never "heard" me and I reached down to touch him to get him to move and that terrified him.

In addition to all of that Chi has had what appears to be a seizure.  He started this strange barking cough that was very short and repeated nearly 20 times,  I picked him up thinking maybe he was choking and he was rigid, then he began shaking from head to toe.  It was not the violent shaking that I have seen on tv and it only lasted about 10 seconds.   It was so short that I was unsure of myself.  Now, as we discuss seizures with Dr.s and therapist we will try to figure out if some of the rigid staring he does is a sensory processing thing or something more.  We have more appointments next week for that.

Chi doesn't look special needs.  He looks like everyone else.  His behaviors read like a very out-of-control toddler.  No one will know unless I explain and that just isn't realistic or fair to him.  So this is where all of my "feelings" come in.  I have all this grief because I expected too much of him and I didn't look into things sooner.  I wonder if we will ever have "normal?"  I know I signed on for a different life, but this is something more than I bargained for.

 I am not this amazing parent who can handle anything that gets tossed her way.  I am lazy, and whiny, and scared, but I so want to be hard-working, and stoic, and brave. I keep having to overcome me to do this thing I am doing and it's exhausting.  I have been reading about faith this week.  I am continually reminded that God's power can accomplish anything.  A little bit of faith can move mountains.  I told God this week, "You have to help me God, because I am my mountain!"

Between us... I'm scared.  It's the kind of scared I had when I bungee jumped.  'There is no way I am backing out, but what if I don't bounce, what if I just keep falling and there's nothing to catch me?  I'm not going to think about it, I am just going to operate on what I know to be true.  God will never leave me or forsake me.  At nineteen I learned to do what I am doing again today.  I'm just going to take the next step and the next step until maybe the air is rushing past me and I'm having the greatest thrill of my life.


The words my youngest brother spoke to me one time keep going through my head, "God's got this Mandy.  God's got this."

The Results

Bio mom showed up.  She would not relinquish her rights.  I am told that when asked by the attorney what she had done to get her boys back she said, "Nothing."  From there she proceeded to answer very few questions and lawyers for both sides and the judge had to ask her to speak up.

The police and forensics people, the therapists and doctors all testified.  The caseworker told me they ran out of time or it all would have finished yesterday.  Now the caseworker and myself have to testify in 2 weeks.  I don't know if anyone else had to.

Strangely I am not that sad really.  I guess if I am bummed about anything I wish she hadn't shown up.  With things going this way I know future babies are safe too.  This, to me, seems like the heart of God.  Although was okay with the signing away shortcut because the caseworkers behaved like it was for the best and I personally and selfishly want this over with, but another baby shouldn't have to suffer.

My old caseworker talked to me and we had a very pleasant conversation. She said she was feeling pressure and a little grouchy.  I wonder if it was hard sitting there while all the professionals testified to all the evidence of the trauma she seemed to want to ignore.  Whether that was by her choice, or forced from somewhere higher up I don't know.  There is no way the therapists that came in did not bring up the abuses the boys have acted out and talked about.  The forensics people even have pictures.  It was a good day for the boys, but maybe bad for her.

With bio-mom showing up yesterday and not signing what happened in the darkness has been brought to the light and that is a good thing I believe.

Trial Later

The caseworker called me yesterday.   We have court this afternoon. 

No one has been able to get a hold of bio-mom.  Last time she showed up for some last minute stuff just before court.  This time she is missing.  So once again I am hoping she will not show up.  The caseworker advised me that if she does not appear her rights will be taken after a short trial with just my old caseworker's testimony.

The caseworker also informed me that she has worked it out privately with bio-mom's attorney to have a meeting with just the two of them (no bio-grandma allowed) to attempt to get her to voluntarily relinquish her rights.  This is what the caseworker is hoping for.  She said she wanted me to have hope.  She is the area expert in this I am told.  The caseworker told me that in 5 years she has only had one family not sign away rights and then they never even showed up for court. 

I want to believe her.

Here's the thing.  If she relinquishes she can keep future children.  If the state deems her unfit they will remove future children.  Bio-Mom is very young.  I think there is a high probability there will be future children.  God alone knows which is the best course.  I do not even want to imagine another baby facing what my boys faced.

As I was putting him to bed last night Chi shared some strange and disturbing memories.  He was only 1 when he was removed.  He is babbling about the same things he was trying to tell me about 8 months ago! I understand him more clearly now as he can speak so much better than he could at first.  The things he is describing sound like a mixture of nightmares, simple truths, and things others told him to believe about the events.   My point is he was just a baby.  He was no match for his tormentors and no other child would be either.

I am praying this is all over today and I am praying that the God who sees all knows which way is the best way to go.

Subpoenaed... Again

I received my subpoena for the second half of the termination trial.  I am supposed to call the attorney and go over it all with her.  I got the subpoena last Friday afternoon and I still haven't called.  I keep hoping the caseworker will call and say bio-mom voluntarily relinqushed. 


Is it obvious how much I really cringe about testifying? I had to psych myself up the first time around.  Here I go again.  I will call the attorney today.    I just want this part to be over already.

Speaking of things I have been putting off... I have Chi scheduled for an evaluation.  They are going to to do some general Occupational therapy testing and just see if he presents with any classic sensory processing disorder things.  I don't know if he has this or not.  I go back and forth.

His play therapist calls his issues, "Disruptive Behavior Disorder."  She says its not Oppostional Defiant or something like that because he has to show the behaviors across a range of places.  He is definitely oppositional and many times defiant, but then again aren't all 2 year olds?!

Seriously, though he must have the worst case of terrible twos I have ever dealt with.  I used to do a daycare for 7 boys.  Every foster placement we have ever had has been young boy sibling groups, and of course there is Cy, whom I have parented for 9+ years.   Chi takes the cake with defiance, but there is so much obvious anxiety to it.  Last week he decided he was newly terrified of bugs, as in, they didn't used to faze him in the least.  It used to be snakes and how a one year old gets a fear of snakes I will probably never know.  Yesterday he had what I will call panic attacks all day because there might be bugs.  It was a hard day for all of us.

He is doing better today.  Thank goodness.  The thing Chi needs more than anything is prayer.  He wants so much to be happy and do well, but  some kind of switch flips.  Poor Baby.

Just a Sinner

Liv woke  me up very early this morning.  She had dreams about bugs biting her and giving her bumps.  I pulled her in close.  She is snoozing peacefully in my spot on the bed.  I never got back to sleep.

I am wondering if termination will be voluntary.  I have been praying a lot.

Ryan may be making some very big job changes.  He has meetings today.  I am fighting fear on that front.  This would not be a step up, but rather a step away from so much stress for him. 

I am praying and praying and then I come across these verses about repenting of our sins so God will draw close to us and hear our prayers. 

I realize that I am full of faith, but repenting is embarrassing.  I don't like to do it.  I am one of these people that thinks, "What's the point?   I'll just mess up again.  God knows I'm sorry."  I get a little too full of the idea that God knows me and he knows why I screw up.  Still, sin is sin and God's Word tells me He hates sin.  I just get so scared when I repent.  I think it can't be that easy.  I wait for the lightning bolt from the sky.

Repenting.  Its such a little thing.  Why is it so hard?  I'm just telling God I am sorry.  I am asking him to forgive me.  I am working with him to turn from my sinful habits and attitudes.  I used to repent every day for every sin I could think of.  I was a thorough little girl.  Smile.  I'm out of practice. 

I did repent and I will keep repenting. There was no lightning bolt.  I did cry, but then, I am a crier.   I am not going to let my own confrontation avoiding personality keep me from my God.    I am going to make repenting a practice again.  I would rather over-repent than ignore such a vital link in my relationship with God. 

Signing Away?

Our caseworker is going to try and have a meeting with bio-mom tomorrow and get her to voluntarily sign termination papers.  I told her I don't have my hopes up because our last caseworker told me that bio-mom would NEVER sign those papers.

This caseworker said, "I think we have a good chance she will."


Oooooooooooh!  I hope, I hope, I hope!  Oh yeah, and I PRAY a lot more.   Because you see, if this happened adoption can happen so much sooner. 

I don't know where to put my hopes, up or down?  I guess my hope is in the Lord.  He alone knows what is best, but I would LOVE to have this be a done deal. 

I got subpoenaed today.   I really don't want to testify.  I hate the idea that those signing on to love her kids for ever would have to be so instrumental in her losing them.  I will if I have to, but I prefer not testifying.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I have been really working with Chi lately.   I am doing well myself and I can focus on his moments without feeling only like I just want to escape. 

We talk a lot about inside voices.  In all reality I think he has some problems regulating volume.  The loudness of his voice at times can be incredibly random.  He just yells about the most mundane things.  He's not mad, but his voice is at scream level.  Now, if I don't respond he will start to get angry.  So, over and over and over we talk about an inside voice.  I think he is improving a bit.  Often times I say, "Change your voice," and he gets it.

He either feels pain more than the other kids or he over does his show of pain.  My 2 year old gets a lot of boo boos so I get to deal with a lot of screaming about that.  If I respond in a firm kind of matter of fact way, he snaps out of it faster, if I hold him and comfort him he screams in my ear for 5 minutes.  I try to give him a little of both.

He also struggles with flailing or aggressive stances and actions.   He will raise his fists and then punch, or ball them up and then throw himself down, or he may bang something really hard.  He will suddenly and without provacation throw something really hard. If the item is stick like at all then without warning he will beat on people and things.  I know that boys do these things, but I have 4 of them, and Chi's behaviors are outside the norm as far as frequency goes.   I have been on him like white on rice to try and catch the moment before the outburst.  I see his face scrunch up in anger and I say firm, somewhat loud, and low, "Chi, change your face."  When he makes a fist I may say, "Open your hands, Chi."  When he raises a toy, his arm, or something to hit I say, 'Chi!  Put your arm DOWN."  

It really is working.  He stops the pre-action behavior and then we avoid problems.  At that point we can talk about whatever is going on, but nothing gets through if he has made it to a full on outburst.

Chi just needs so much supervision.  I often wonder if there is something more neurological going on with him.  He needs far more than the others to stay regulated.  It can be overwhelming with so many of them needing attention, but for now it is working out alright.  A couple times I have watched him talk himself back from a line he shouldn't cross.  That is the goal I have in mind so there may be light at the end of the tunnel for my sweet boy.

Mostly Cloudy

Well, I have been fighting with my laptop here recently.  Posting via phone is just a pain in the tush and I can't do it well with my Kindle either.

Today we met with our adoption attorney.  I like him a lot.  We signed up to start the petition to adopt process.  He said even with appeals he expects we will have the adoption completed before Thanksgiving.  That would be amazing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


Wow, were things going downhill here.  Remember I was taking the Sam-E and it was helping?  I ran out for over a month, but I didn't feel that big of a difference.  Last week and early this week it was all back.  The constant feeling of being overwhelmed, outnumbered, and emotionally exhausted.  I began once again toying with the idea that maybe I should not be a mom to so many.  Cy noticed me crying in the kitchen.  You can't get away with much when you homeschool.  Little eyes see everything.  Cy said, "Mom what about your happy pills?" 

Yes, I call them happy pills.   I sort of had a "duh" moment.  When you are that far down and crying over stupid things and getting angry with people over silly things the idea that I can take a vitamin to feel better just seems like it will never work.  So I went to the drug store and picked up the generic double strength Sam-E. I started feeling better later that very same day.  Today, I am feeling a ton better.  I went and bought 80 pills which will last me 80 days.  The box says to take them twice a day, but I only need to do it once a day to feel better.

To be honest, I feel like its some kind of weakness in me that I can't regulate myself when I get down that low.  I can't pray myself out of it, or sing myself out of it, or just focus on the good things to feel better.  I can have flashes of sunshine, but life seems like its mostly cloudy.  I think this may have existed for a long while back, but before I had so much on my plate I could regulate better.  I would go shopping, or plan a field trip, or just take a walk.  I had more freedom to focus on me.

Being a foster parent or an adoptive parent to a sibling group is so much more than a full time job.  If one child is having a trauma day then the day's spotlight goes to that child.  Sometimes everyone has the same bad day, and some times they swap days, but what happens is that I can end up dealing with someone's bad day 5 of 7 days a week. No, I don't actively give them tons of attention for negative behaviors, but it takes a lot of energy NOT to give the attention to the wrong stuff and to protect the others while the negativity is happening, and then to also help that child come back from their dark place.  When the negativity happens it can start to get really big in my mind.  Instead of being one small part of a big beautiful world, it becomes nearly the whole part of a small and ugly world.

I should correct myself... ONE child with trauma can dominate a house.  I would never want to minimize what foster and adoptive parents do for any child who has come from hard places.

I had to write all of that for myself.  This is a lot like my therapy.  And now I want to say this to me...  It's okay to need a break.  It's okay to have to take something to feel better.  Its okay to pray through it, sing through it, or cry through it.  Just get through it.  Don't give up and keep going because when you get your happy pill or you find something else that works then you can really SEE their beautiful little faces and hear their beautiful little giggles, it is all so very, very worth it. 

   

Draining

Lately I have felt drained. 

Baxter (our not quite 2 year old golden retriever) died last week.

My children (all 5) have been on a rebellious streak.

I have been fighting sinus headaches and migraines for the last month.

I even feel like my creativity is a little bit dead right now.


When my husband insisted I go to our homeschool group's Mom's Night Out, I didn't want to go, but I did anyway.  We had a nice time and it was good to encourage and be encouraged.

Still I remained in a drained place.  I felt drawn too tightly this morning.  I felt done before I even started the day.  I cried out to God for his rescue from the hardness of life.  I was disappointed when I didn't feel the rescue. 

I put on some worship music and I felt the shadows lift for awhile.  I read and reminded myself the things God's Word says about parenting.  I am feeling better.

 

Baby Swallowed a Penny and...

Well to be honest we aren't sure yet about the second thing.  We are anxiously awaiting an appearance.  Zee seems okay, but I gave him back his pacifier for daytime enjoyment.  I had taken it away except for bedtime.  I had to do something to slow down the rate of stuff going into his mouth. 

While playing outside he tried to eat rocks!!!  Rocks people, ROCKS!  You'd think we never feed this kid!


This right here is why God gives kids their own angels. 

Bad Foster Mom!  Bad, Bad, Bad!

The Attorney

We have an appointment scheduled with an attorney I feel pretty good about.  I called through this list of 6 attorneys.  The one I like wasn't even on the list.  He was recommended by a fellow foster adopt Momma.

Of the 6 attorneys on the original list only 2 of them called me.  One attorney wanted me to sign papers ahead of time agreeing to pay if DC$ did not cover the costs. I did not want to sign anything before talking with someone.  There were many contingencies listed in which my family would have to pay the cost of the adoption.  It made me nervous.  I called my foster adopt friend and she told me her attorney never did anything of the kind.  The other attorney called personally, and wanted to set up an appointment right away.  I put her off because I had already contacted the attorney recommended.

I look forward to our meeting with this man.  Someone actually answered the phone and answered my questions right away.  I know the attorney has handled at least 2 sibling groups with similar circumstances to our own recently.  He is reported to be straight forward and kind so that makes me hopeful. I was told he is good about getting things done in a timely manner.   I guess we'll see, but I'll bet we sign on with him.

It's Real

I know that much.  I picked up my Chi and we danced around the kitchen.  Out of nowhere the tears came.  I love him soooo much.  I love them all and I am so grateful to God that they are in my life.  I can't believe these precious gifts are in my home.  I am so unworthy and yet I feel God's amazing blessing in all of this.  For just a moment I was overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for Chi.

Chi is Tot if you recall.  He is so stubborn.  He wants to fight.  He wants to break or be broken and he can be so very difficult.  Still, my love for him is fierce.  I want to hang on to him forever and protect him from every harm.  He and I will need care and prayer as his personality, thus far, scares the living daylights out of me, but he is my baby.

I love him as much as I love my first kids!  I am past the "fake it till you make it" stage.  I made it and I am so grateful to God for that. 

It can be scary when you have "first" kids and you know you won't ever love this new difficult child as much as you love your first children.  I want to encourage you to give that to God over and over and over again.  This has all been a process and one of the few things I have done right is to trust the process.  I have trusted that God was bringing us, or rather me, to this love-filled place and yesterday I woke up and I was there.  

Life goes on right?  Chi proceeded to act defiant and angry for most of the rest of the day.  He looked up at me with a question in his eyes when I touched his cheek softly.  "You being soft Mom?  You wike me Mom?"

"Yes, baby I like you."

Then later when he balled his fist and screamed in rage at me, "I wanna fight!!!  I mad!  You bad Mom! ... ....  You mad Mom?  You not mad Mom?  You wike Me?"

Chi is still in his journey of trusting me. Chi is still looking for a fight.  Chi is still learning to let me be his Mommy.  Chi is still waiting for pain, but I am trusting the process for him too.