Flipping my Calendar

I flipped the calendar page today for February.  I saw where I had written Terminaion Trial.  I am excited and scared of that date.  I pray that trial is the end of wondering if they could somehow be sent back.

Without visits things are relatively calm.  I can tell the boys are in a better place.  We are all in a better place.  Life is a lot easier now.  Taking away that constant trauma has given us a sense of normalcy.

I am still dealing with stuff, but its a lot better than it was.  I don't know why, but both of the boys, at different times, relived their past today.  They were playfully acting out abuse.  They haven't mentioned this stuff  for awhile. I want to help them forget, but I don't want to coerce them into not talking about things they need to talk about.  It's a fine line.

Ryan and I did remove dolls today.  When they try to reenact stuff it seems to pull them back emotionally as well.  We encouraged another type of play and a new toy.

I don't like not knowing for certain what is right.  We are following our guts here.  Our guts tell us not to let the boys wallow in muck and so we do our best to acknowledge, affirm, and move on.  As the therapist recommends, we say, "I know that sad thing happened, but its all done now."

Maybe I will flip that calendar to March knowing the boys are forever free.  When I see them relive the past my own doubts and fears will be gone and I can speak with conviction, when I say, "That is all done now."

Ignorance

I shared a waiting room with an angry Mom today.  I saw her pull her son to the side over and over again to whisper angrily in his ear. He played with Cy and Liv and occasionally... Tyke.

I saw Liv watching the woman with a concerned face.  I could not hear what the woman was saying.  As we were leaving Liv questioned why that Mom kept telling her son to stay away from Tyke.  I got a creepy all over feeling.  Her boy was allowed to play with every child on the play area except my beautiful brown Tyke.

I discussed racism with my oldest two.  I was thankful that Tyke was blissfully unaware.  Racism is at it's core ignorance.  Ignorance can be fostered to become hate. I feel sorry for that lady's son.  His instinct was to play with all of my kids and this ignorant woman did all she could to keep them separate.

Not to steal a great man's line, but I do have a dream...

Pre Trial

today is pre trial.  I found  out today is a common time where parents may sign away their rights.  Oh what a wonderful day that would be.  I am praying.  It doesn't hurt to ask right?

The Break I Needed

I had an awesome time with my girlfriends AND I am happy to be back!

I left my home at 5:30 am to make the drive to the airport so I would arrive in time to make my 7:45am non-stop flight to Florida.  Well, that was the plan anyway.  Weather and plane malfunctions conspired to keep me from arriving until 6pm that evening!  I think you can understand when I say, it was a long day. 

That could be why when I got to the vacation house with my girlfriends I just got giddy.  Everything was so beautiful and CLEAN!  There were no toys ANYWHERE!  I couldn't stop smiling.  I looked around in amazement and proclaimed at least 3 times, "It's so obvious there are NO kids here." 

Over the course of the short weekend I went from celebrating my childless freedom to missing my babies desperately.  Ryan was sending me pictures and videos of them on the last day and I was eating it up.  I wanted to keep my vacation forever, but I wanted us all to be doing it together.

I did miss them, but it was so worth going.  I laughed with my girls, and cried, and got a sunburn (which is like a badge for us cold-staters in January).  We acted like kids instead of caring for kids, and I ate way too much.

Also, I am giving my husband the Dad-of-the-Year Award.  He kept all 5 babies.  They were safe, and happy, and loved.  He even took them all on his own to a special dinner and concert that was planned before I left (He sent me a video of Tyke and Tot bustin' a move at the concert).  He never once pouted about not getting a break.  He only showed happiness for me.  He sent me funny texts and caught up laundry (yeah, I know this one gets him the award all by itself), and organized our bedroom.

Am I lucky or what?!  What a man I have!  What a God I have!  I owe them both a huge thank you for such a sweet break and such a fantastic homecoming.

Travel Fallout

I have a 3 day trip coming up tomorrow.  Ryan has been gone for the last 3 days and will be getting home just before I leave.  The boys have done basically okay with his absence.  I used to always have my kids talk to Daddy on the phone when he's gone.  We are not doing that now.  The daytime routine is the same and the evenings are a little different, but they have been stable.  I don't want to remind them of what they are missing. 

Tyke asked for Daddy last night at bedtime and Baby was walking around this morning looking.  "Dada?  Dada?"  I am glad that Ryan will be back tomorrow.  However, I wonder what the fallout will be from me leaving.  I also wonder how much I should prepare them.  I don't want them to panic, and I don't want to cause unneeded worry either.

Ryan and I have very different parenting styles, but it works.  It works the best together.  He's Mister law and order and I'm proud of you in a kind of matter-of-fact way. The boys really glow when they are with him... and he does show physical affection, but maybe 1/10th of the amount I show.  I am the squishy Mama.  I'm all touchy-feely and talking about feelings, being silly, giving kisses and hugs just because, and I am less ordered. 

All that to say they will notice my absence.  They will notice it big time.  I hope this girlfriend trip is worth the fallout.  More accurately, I am hoping for NO fallout.

An Answer?

I looked up Sensory Processing Disorder late last nigh or rather very early this morning..  Both of the therapists have mentioned it.  I could check nearly every single symptom for Tot, and just about as many for Tyke.

There are different types. I am oversimplifying here, I know.  One type goes after any stimuli, Tyke fits way too many of those symptoms.  Another type recoils from stimuli and Tot fits nearly every single symptom for that category.  If I remember correctly I also read something about it being hereditary, which would make sense.

I DO NOT want to label them.  I DO NOT!  I also fall into the category of those who believe children are too easily diagnosed, but...  If going down this path gets me resources or just ideas to better give the boys what they need, then how can I not look into it?  With Tot, especially, I feel out of resources. 

I need to say this for me.  I just love these little boys.  I would never willingly let them go.  Sometimes the future IS daunting.  I wonder did God really choose me for this?  I feel so inadequate. It is humbling and frustrating and draining not to KNOW what to do in a situation.  We are making it and we have already come so much farther than what I could have imagined.  Every day God is faithful.  Every day I marvel at what he is doing in these boys, in this family, and in me.  Just had to add that.

Not Trying to Bore You

No, really, I kind of hate writing about the same thing again.  This is what is on my mind right now and I will probably process it several times.  Sorry.  Skip if you like.

Ryan is out of town.  Liv HAD to cheer at a basketball game tonight.  Stupid "keep your commitments" motto we push around here...  As a result I HAD to load up all 5 kiddos by myself and head to a dreaded "public place".  I was really worried about handling them all.

Luckily, it was with our homeschool group.  Cy went and sat with some buds.  A lovely highschool girl scooped Baby up.  Tyke got to be the Cookie Monster for the cheerleaders (He has a costume and everything and its stinkin' adorable and he loves it).  So Tyke sat with the cheerleaders and was a very good boy. 

Tot smiled at me and sat happily on my lap.  I was thinking this particular game was going to be a piece of cake.  The game began and I started to watch the game and not him... He moaned... He gave a louder moan... Next he was twisting and moaning... and then kicking and twisting and moaning...  Moaning then becomes a soft fake sounding cry. "Mooooom ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Moooooooom Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" 

I look at him.  "What do you need Tot?"

"I need ya help!  I need YA HELP!"

"What do you need Tot?"

"Ehhhhhhhhhhh, Momma, Uhhhhhhhhhhh Mooooooooooom, HELP!" This is the part where its my job to give him an idea of what he needs help with.  I am allowed to pick anything.  He will say that is exactly what he needs.  If I said, "Do you need a labotomy Tot?"  He would say yes.  It doesn't matter what I actually say.  It matters that I talk to him.  Finally, I got him calmed down.  Then silly me, I start watching Liv and Tyke and the cycle starts all over.  I had snacks for him and he got lots of snuggling and lap time, but he wasn't okay and he did NOT like the 12 year old girl sitting beside us touching him in any way.

I noticed something else.  He laughs.  Its a very hard, eyes wide open, fake laugh.  It says, 'look at me I am being silly!'  Tonight I felt his chest as he pretended to laugh at a girl who was making silly faces.  His heart was pounding, his eyes were dilated, and (at that point he was standing)  he was taking a step away from her every time she moved toward him.  He was terrified and he was laughing... sort of, and he was acting like he wanted her to do it again.  The lights, and sounds, and unexpected touches were sending him in a downward spiral. 

The same thing happens in a crowded hallway at church.  The same thing happens in my rowdy living room.  The same thing happens when the play therapist tries to touch him and when we enter a new place or setting.  Tot builds from a mild nervousness to a full blown freak out.  What do I do?  People are going to touch him.  We are going to go to unfamiliar places.  I am going to give my attention to others. 

I just love that boy so much.  I want to give him what he needs.  What if I can't?

My Little Swinger

I may have mentioned it once or twice, but Tot is a handful.  He continues to be the biggest challenge.  In an attempt to break the cycle yesterday I took him with me on a special trip to the store to choose a book.  Although he was pleased with being a "big boy", he couldn't stay in that happy cooperative place.  He had to whine, and run, refuse to cooperate, and tantrum.  We had a couple of sweet moments, but it was at his choosing not mine.

Today I watched him play.  While Liv's back was turned he began swinging his arms like he was going to hit her. He wasn't mad, he just appeared to consider the idea worthwhile.  All of a sudden he glances down and sees a toy.  He stops and his face registers Oh!  I want that toy! Instantly the arms stop and he grabs the toy and the possible hitting scenario is over. 

I know if that toy hadn't been there it would have been yet another instance of someone coming to me to complain about being hit by Tot.  I feel like I learned something. The destructive/aggressive tendencies don't have to come from anger.  At least it doesn't look like anger.  I don't know what to do with what I learned, but its a new way to think about it I guess.

As the day has worn on I have been reaching out to Tot as soon as he starts swinging his body in a dangerous or aggressive way. I hold him and say,  "Shh Tot, shhh, its okay, baby.  It's okay."  He curls into me and buries his head in my abdomen.  He settles down right away. 

I noticed that me being there to touch him makes a  huge difference in play therapy as well.  I hope I can keep this up for him.  I am already a very touchy mama, but this amount of holding feels uncomfortable even for me, but if it is what he needs I hope I can keep it up.  This kind of parenting also does not work when trying to keep five children functioning in an out-of-home environment.

The way things are right now, I cannot leave the house with him, without Ryan to help.  It does not matter the situation he nearly always does something to sabotage his (and therefore my own) enjoyment of it.  I will talk the therapists some more, but my best hope is just to pray him through it.

Why Can't I Relax?

I woke up this morning with that same old feeling in my stomach.  Every Monday I wake thinking, "What hoops do we have to jump through this week?" The judge's orders are clear, but I still half expect someone to call telling me I have to prepare the boys for a visit or something like that.

I am so grateful to God for these visits being stopped.  It is such a big relief, but I think I am having trouble convincing myself I don't have to watch them scream anymore.  Maybe when I have a week or two of relief it will start to settle into my mind.

From last Thursday on I have had moments of reveling in the idea that Baby, Tot, and Tyke have a good chance of becoming our boys.  When I see one of their smiling faces I get a rush of joy at the blessing that God may be allowing me to raise these precious boys.  I keep thinking over the last year as we have a normal happy moment.  I remember fearing that we would never be able to have that kind of moment.  I can't deny there are glimpses of the joy that may await me.

I am just waiting to relax.  It's possible I won't fully relax until the last papers are filed and the boys are forever ours.  Until then I know that anything can happen.  So even though I am blessed, and thrilled, and relieved, Feb 28th, TPR, can't get here soon enough.

He Did It!

Thank you God.  Thank you God.  Thank you GOD!  I learned the judge's decision late this afternoon.  Visits are done!!!

Follow-up to court today.

Before court bio-grandma was questioned about being rough with the boys by the caseworker, the advocates office, and by her daughter's attorney.  They both readily admitted to being rough with the boys.  They said, "Yeah, but they was screaming at us and hitting us, and kicking. They was the ones being bad."  Wow, she did not even deny the accusations.

Then at court DC$ surprised me, the judge, and the advocate by siding with the advocate and they joined the motion to have visitation taken also!  Every person who could be on board with stopping visitation was on board. 

Court was very short.  Because DC$ joined the motion late there was a little paperwork issue.  The judge said he will read through the motions and make a ruling.  We are supposed to know the ruling by Friday morning at the latest. 

Bio-Mom's attorney of course argued against the stopping of visits, but the argument was really weak.  I hope the judge thinks so too.

Then the caseworker came over for a visit today.  She was like she used to be.  She was positive and forthcoming with information, and very determined to finish this thing.  I actually really like her when she acts this way.  She feels very strongly that DC$ will win this case.  Bio-Mom failed her last drug screen and came up with a very illicit drug in her system.  The caseworker made sure to include this newest information in her report.

She and I both said at different points we don't see bio-mom signing away her rights.  Bio-Mom could never even have that conversation with her attorney.  Her own mom is always present and always does nearly all the talking. Bio-Grandma will not let bio-mom back away even though bio-mom has tried to.  The caseworker told me that it is too bad because if bio-mom ever gets pregnant again they will take the baby at birth.

The caseworker talked a lot to me about adoption.  She is excited for the boys and told me she can see how loved they are here.  She said she hopes this is one of the cases were the kids forget nearly everything about their past.  Me too.

That was today.  All the pieces fell into place and I am so blessed about that.  Now, I wait to hear the judge's decision.

The Last Visit?

I just finished helping get all 3 boys loaded for their last visit...  I hope it is their last visit.  First I had to chase the oldest 2 down as they ran away.  Then I got hit, and kicked, and screamed at.   I am the bad guy again, because I am part of making them go... Again.

What would visit supervisor do if I just walked away and let her chase them down?  She's come up with a great plan.  She grabs the easiest child, usually Baby, and stays in the van while I collect the others.   My leg still hurts where Tyke did a backward kick as he flailed in my arms.

Will tomorrow be the end of this nightmare?  Will the judge feel like he has enough to make this ruling?  Will DC$ help or hurt in this hearing?

I can't keep doing this.  Yeah, yeah, I know I will keep doing it no matter what, but tomorrow feels like a big domino for this case.  If anyone supposedly on the side of termination argues for visitation that will hurt termination.

...And here's the part where I look way too far out.  If the judge or DC$ is for continuing the visits it will be very difficult for me to believe termination will happen.  If termination doesn't happen then where does that leave me?  Will I just keep walking this road and hoping that maybe next time it will happen?  Will I keep walking it as they push again for reunification?

Today I pray and hope.  That's all I have.  Tomorrow has to worry about itself.

Fresh Horror

Maybe it is because I have gone to a deeper level in loving these boys.  Maybe it is because I have gotten used to the boys casually mentioning the things that have happened to them before their life here.  Whatever it was I was unprepared for Tot's story for tonight.

Tonight as I tucked Tot in he told me in a sleepy voice of one of the particular horrors of his life before coming here.  I was hit with fresh shock, and fresh horror.  It was like hearing it for the first time.  This baby, this precious, precious, child of mine should not even be able to remember, but he does.

I held it together and kissed his sweet little nose in our silly way. " Goodnight buddy.  I love you."  "Guh-Night Mom!"

I pulled the door close and I cried my eyes out.  Please, God, please, please, please God.  Please stop these visits.  Please set them free.

I remembered again that all of this isn't for me.  It's not about me.  I am not sorry, that I want these visits STOPPED!  I am not sorry that I never want her to see them again.  I AM NOT SORRY!

Only 2 Left

My mind is a bit split today.  I keep thinking about Court and praying about Court and I keep thinking about Bio-Mom.  If it is successful on Wednesday there are only 2 visits remaining.  There is a part of me that recognizes this would be bittersweet. It would be a beginning and ending for these boys and for bio-mom.

I learned Friday that, both of this week's visits were pushed into the first part of this week per the caseworker's request.  I still have to wonder whose side she is on.  We are stopping visits because of the trauma the boys suffer and her plan is to shove as many in as possible?  Some things I'll never understand.

Still, there is a very young Mom here who may be seeing her babes for one of the last times.  She has failed them terribly, but I do believe some part of her loves them.  It is best for the boys if visits stop, that is where I know I stand, but Bio-Mom was just a hurting kid once too.  Her childhood was by all indicators one of abuse and neglect. It would be easy to gloss over the tragedy she has and will suffer, but my mind is full of her today.  I feel like I want to pray for her, but I am nervous to ask God to save her and transform her because I don't want her to get it together and suddenly get her kids back.  That is AWFUL of me.  I hate that I am even writing it, but it is so true.  People try to tell me I am this good Christian (I think because we are foster parents), they have NO idea.

 Back to the visit part...  I don't want the boys to attend even one more visit because of how it affects them so I am praying and hoping that Wednesday marks the end of that nightmare and maybe the end of some of the actual nightmares they suffer through.   If visits stop I will be celebrating for the boys and for our family.  I am desperate to see these visits end.  I am tired of forcing them to go, tired of worrying what new trauma they will bring home, and tired of seeing them caught in a limbo that is part and parcel to the Foster Care experience. 

Now in obedience and also for accountability I am adding this...

Jesus, save bio-mom.  Transform her.  Remake her.  Remake her life.  I don't know what this prayer would mean for me, but I know I have to ask this for her.  God, you knew her before she was born.  You knit her together in her mother's womb.  She is a part of your plan and design for this world.  She needs you again.  Knit her again Lord.  Use her for your kingdom.  Forgive my wicked heart.  Help me accept your good and perfect will.  Amen.

Good Grouchy Days

I woke up grouchy because I stayed up too late watching television.  Actually, Baby was grouchy too and Tot seemed especially grating and loud this morning.  Oh yeah, actually we all got to bed late last night.  We were out watching Liv cheer in the Elementary Basketball game for our homeschool group's team.  We ended up staying for the Elementary, JV and Varsity games because they needed Ryan to help run the scoreboard.  That meant everyone's bedtime was over an hour late.  The kids were being maybe a little extra naughty and I was having a little less patience this morning.  They all got corrected, maybe a few more times than was necessary. They also got more loving from me because I knew I was being a tad demanding of them earlier.  Now, Baby is down for an early nap, Ryan is home from his morning errands and grouchy is fading away. 

I am looking out the window into the pasture watching the 4 oldest play while Daddy gets some work done outside.  Even with the rocky morning these are the days I love.  These glimpses of  "normal" keep me hanging on for the end of all this.

 Normal means that we can have an off morning, but its just that.  Its not trauma and drama, and visitation and loss and tragedy.  We are just a family doing the best we can.  We do some of it right and some of it wrong, but it is us, a Mom, a Dad, siblings, and family, love and acceptance.  What more can I ask for?

Tyke's Bad Dream

Tyke had a bad dream last night.  I came to comfort him and he looked sadly at me with sleepy eyes.  "S_______ (bio-mom) came an taked me away.  She was squishing me like dis."  He clenches his little hands repeatedly.  He looked up at me with sad eyes, "She tear me all up."

I offered the cheap comfort I could.  "You're safe baby.  I'm here.  Your safe."  He prayed AGAIN, "God don't let S_______ take me away.  I don't want anymore bisits."

I know God heard him.  I pray his prayers are answered. 

No one at DC$ cares about his nightmares, and his fears, and his trauma.  If they did this tragedy would not continue.  God cares, and I know that's true.  So I pray it isn't part of his plan to continue with visitation for these boys. 

Tyke needs to know that his place with us is forever.  I look forward to the day when that can  be part of his healing.

A Misunderstanding

Here in foster land things don't always go according to plan.  We had a visit scheduled for Tuesday.  I got a call around 9 pm Monday rescheduling that visit until Friday. We had a visit scheduled for Thursday.  I got a call moving that visit until today... during naptime hours. 

Is that a problem?  Well, they will be cranky because of a lack of sleep and I hadn't really planned for this today.  We have church tonight and they won't be rested for that.  Can I make it work?  Well, sure, I can make it work.  I hustle and bustle to get kids ready to go.  We wait, and wait, and wait some more.  I call one time to check with no answer.  I call again.  Visit supervisor plays dumb.  No, there is no visit today?  You were referring to a change of time for Thursday's visit?

Strange.  We discussed the impact on Wednesday night church services and the inconvenience of getting them ready to go right this moment.  Misunderstanding you say?  Okay, that makes everything fine.  I will proceed with my day now.  2 hours given to prepping for visit and waiting for visit and we move on to something else.

Through this experience Tyke was able to have his faith built a little.  He prayed  "God, I don't wanna go to da bisit today, You don't make me go to da bisit today?"  Pause...   "Mom, he say, 'Okay.'" 

Guess I'm going to have to pray about tomorrow's visit.  I would love to see it stopped again.

A "Daddy" Makes an Appearance

The advocate called yesterday.  One of the bio dad's showed up at a visit recently.  My only clue to this was Tyke mentioning last week that he saw the Daddy that is "Brown like me."  I had no idea he had actually seen this man recently.

The visit supervisor is not supposed to even get out of the car if there is an additional person present for visits that has not been approved.  She is supposed to keep driving.  Well, she did not follow these guidelines.  From what I understand this person was introduced as Daddy by Bio-Grandma.  He was made to leave the visit with Tot screaming, "Daddy, Daddy, I want my Daddy!"  I do not know if Tot fully comprehended what was happening or if he thought Ryan was there.  I am sure the whole thing no matter which way he thought about it made him very emotional.  His behaviors have been worse here this last week, but I had no idea what had occurred until yesterday.

This case does not need an extra complication right now.  I have to wonder if he is going to show up demanding a case plan.  I have to wonder if we are all going to have to go through some more visitation. 

I spent some time in serious prayer yesterday.  Enough is enough.  These boys do not need more trauma.

I got a call late last night and this morning's visit was rescheduled until Friday.  Sometimes I don't know if the visit supervisor is slack in her job or if bio-mom is late making a call and she is getting a pass from the visit supervisor.  I find it odd that bio-mom constantly missed appointments for months and then all of the sudden the only person responsible for every single miss is the visit supervisor.  Suspicious.

The good news is easy.  We have no visit, and no confusing trauma for today. I will take it one miracle at a time.

What's up with Tot?

I can't figure out if Tot has sensory issues, other issues or if he is just two.  Little Tot whines and cries so often.  He hates to be startled and will swing first and ask questions later if there is a loud sound.  Often he will cry like he is in extreme pain when he gets touched.  He does not always cry, sometimes he is fine, but the startled crying reaction happens a lot.  He is also my baby that yells at unexpected times and it can be quite startling.

He is also my most stubborn child at this point.  No encouragement, discipline, or redirection works consistently for him.  He may appear to listen, he may appear to comply, but very quickly he shows me he did not get the message.

Even in therapy when we are sitting and just talking about something mundane he pushes into me me, flips his body around, whines and twists, and moans.  

We work so hard to get him to use his words.  He CAN use his words.  With the others I can say, "Say I don't hit," and they will repeat it or whatever the issue is.  It worked well for me with Cy when he was younger and with Tyke to help them internalize ideas.  There are times when I say, "Tot, say, 'I will not throw toys.'"  He stands there and blinks.  No, I mean he actually blinks his eyes in big obvious blinks, not in normal eye movement, and he does not say a word.  I wait and ask again and nothing.  Then when I begin to move him to timeout or his room he yells, "I DON'T THROW TOYS,  I DON'T THROW TOYS."  So I know he heard me.

When I send him to do anything he doesn't prefer he just stands there.  He will not follow through with obedience.   One example is getting him ready for bed, at the end of the routine I tell both boys to go get in bed as I follow along.  They both head in the right direction, and Tyke obeys even though he protests and gets into bed.  Tot will just stand beside his bed.  He will not move until he is forced.

I can remind, coerce, and discipline till I am blue in the face on certain days.  It makes no impact.  Then when I finally show signs of anger, THEN he complies.  He usually pushes for the biggest reaction he can get before obeying.  

If all the kids are playing together Tot is always offended, or hurt, or scared.  This all means more crying.  I literally say a prayer before I go to him many times.  I really don't know what to do and I don't want to scare him by me getting angry. Sometimes he does seem like just a normal kid, but lately I am beginning to wonder if something more is going on.

Right now Tot is playing in his room, alone.  I feel bad for that, but we all needed a break.  After the initial protesting he plays happily enough.  I can hear him upstairs pretending to be a tiger right now.     Tot has been through a lot in his life and I also have to make allowances for his age.  I just cannot tell if I am dealing with an emotional and age issue or something more.

Has anyone ever dealt with this?  He startles easily and is extremely abrupt in his mannerisms, and incredibly defiant.  What am I missing?

The Problem With Boo Boos

There are 4 boys in my house.  With this many boys boo boos are bound to happen. 

The favorite activity is wrestling.  Even Baby wants to get in on the party.  You should see him attack his teddy bear.  The boys maul and make growling noises, flip and twist.  Overall they remind me of a set of young bear cubs.  Sometimes they get too rough and I have to stop the activity.

What's next on the list?  They go to stairs leaping.  You know that game right?  You go to the highest step you think you can handle and you jump for it while the rest of the gang cheers you on.  This sort of thing is why the males of our species are almost always the recipient of Darwin Awards.  I have literally caught a child mid-air as he attempts to leap from the top.  Mean Mommy says, "No way guys, someone is going to get hurt."

When they are in this rowdy mood the game has to involve contact.  My 8 year old is full of GREAT ideas.  "Hey!  I know, let's play swords!"  Usually I stop this one before it even starts, but... not always.  Someone is going to get whacked unintentionally in this game.  It's almost always Tot.  Poor Tot, he thinks he can hang with the big dogs, but he can't.  Don't tell him I said that.

When they are desperate they dance.  It looks like a mosh pit gone horribly wrong.  Now even Baby is bouncing his legs and flinging his arms around with all his might.  Why, with boys, is dancing a full contact sport?  The sight is rather hilarious.  In some slightly open portion of the room there is Liv, spinning in graceful circles, arms extended, one leg lifted gracefully and long hair streaming behind her.  In another area there are 4 boys all trying to do the coolest moves on the same small piece of real estate.  "Watch Mom! Hey! Watch Mom!  Check this out!"

All of these activities lead to boo boos, and then as a foster parent I am required to report and explain.  I don't know if Tot is my accident prone child, or if its just because he's two, but thinks he's eight.  Tot is the one that gets the most boo boos.  He just reported in for some comforting because of a slightly bloody lip.  Now I have to report it again.  He recently got, a still visible, scratch on the eye  when our big golden walked right over him when Tot fell during play. We love our doggy, but he is kind of a big dummy.  Tot got a little scratch just above his lip somehow during sledding.  Now we've got the lip.

In nice weather we go outside and they run off the craziness.  We can't right now and occasionally I am so tired of noisy, jumping, bumping, breaking boys that I won't let them do ANY of it.  They get so forlorn.  Cy speaks for the crew, "You mean we can't do anything?!"  They have rooms full of activities, but they are so hard to remember when all your little boy body wants to do is bash something.  

These boo boos have been occurring regularly for the past year.  I guess I only worry because if Caseworker wanted to she could make a big stink.  They are a safe as they are going to get in this house.  I can't let them play in bubble wrap.  It's noisy. 

Now I Am A Brainwashing Expert

At the visit today Bio Mom got served.  She now knows there is a court date to take away visitation.  The advocate called to let me know it was happening today.  Apparently there were no fireworks.  I am grateful for that for the boys' sakes.

During our phone conversation the advocate told me he sent letters to my caseworker, her supervisor, and the head of the DC$ in that area.  He told them they have been ignoring the boys' well-being and now, as the advocate for the children, his hand has been forced.  He has to speak up for the babies because no one else will.  The advocate claims my caseworker is trying to save face.

How is she doing this?  She is saying we are brainwashing the kids.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Two therapists, a doctor, the advocate, and the visitation supervisor have all documented and contacted DC$ regarding the many signs of abuse and fear the boys have exhibited over the last year.  However, ALL of this is because I am brainwashing them. 

I don't know what to expect at the hearing to take away visitation and/or the Termination hearing.  Will she work to protect the boys or will she sabotage the boys in her own interests?  I am not afraid.  I am praying and I am not going to walk around in fear while I wait to see how things go, I am just waiting on God.

If you don't mind (I know I ask a lot) please keep us in your prayers.