Sibling Conversations

Talking about adoption is open in our home.  Three of my children have a first Mom experience to fit into their understanding of life.  Two of my children do not.  Sometimes my oldest do not completely understand the best ways to encourage without dredging up emotional stuff.

Here are a few examples.  There have been times when one of my youngest has tried to begin an emotionally sad discussion about his first Mom right at the point where his brothers are having a super good time.  I have learned to stop that before it gets started because it gets his siblings in an emotional twist.  I say, "We will talk about that as much as you want.  Later." And we do talk about it.

Well, Liv doesn't exactly understand and she has that girl thing of trying to talk like she's the Mom.  So annoying...  So when the same child brought up a simple comment about his first Mom at breakfast, she spouts, " You DO NOT talk about that!"  I shut that girl down quicker than she could draw another breath to spout more nonsense.

If I recall it went something like, "He MAY talk about his first Mom and if you act like that again you will spend the morning in your room!," switch to sweet voice, "What were you saying, honey?"  I tried to rescue the moment in the middle of a hurried morning routine, but my "save" felt inadequate. Was it my fault because I have stopped discussion before?

Then there is Cy.  He is kind of a mushy ridiculous type when it is just our family.  He knows it and it is fun for the two of us since we are similar.  He says in a baby voice,  "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy ever, I like you, you are my favorite," he adds in a cheeky aside "That's probably because you are my only Mommy but still..."  This comment is completely silly and adorable and no big deal, until I realize Obie is sitting out of my view listening to every single word.  When I filter it through his eyes, Cy's 11 year old silliness seems almost cruel.  Do I say something and make Cy feel bad?  Do I leave it be and hope Obie gets the silliness aspect?

My quick possibly inadequate fix, "Your SILLY!"  Thinking... please hear this as silly, please.

Then there is stuff with the 3 youngest, Malachi says something about  their first mom, Zee, who will argue the color of the sky right now and who does not remember S- yells, S- not my Mommy!  Mommy is MY Mommy!"  Chi yells back to correct Zee and a fight erupts.   I rush into the room to try to help them both understand.

My fix? "Chi, Zee doesn't remember S- but she was your first Mom before you came to me and now I am Mommy.  You are both right!  This I say with a big smile and an excited voice.   Hoping... praying, they will take their cue from me.

I get so scared of messing this up sometimes.  There are so many people I need to help sort it all out.  I am doing my best, but people assume my children reflect me.  I assume they do too, so when one of them hurts the other with their words I think, what else should I be doing better?

I think I am a very lucky Mom to have this amazing family.  I just want to do a good job.  You know?!

Expert... Hah!

I was out yesterday and I noticed another woman with a young school age daughter.   I am desperate to talk to real life grown-ups I suppose,  because I said,  "Are you a homeschool Mom?"

"First year,"  She said, sounding uncertain and surprised at the same time. 

"It gets easier,"  I replied.  We had a short conversation and I talked about beginning my homeschool experience 6 years ago (Wow! Has it been six years?!)

   "Sounds like I should to be talking to you," she said.

  "You've got this," I encouraged the nice stranger.

I realized that somewhere along the way I have gone from a newbie, nervous about everything, to a seasoned homeschool Mama.

I have also gone from being a nervous constantly self-doubting foster and adoptive Mama, to more of a seasoned, do the best you can today type of Mom.

I used to think Mom's like me were experts, but me an expert?!  Hah!  Maybe the only big difference is getting to the place where I believe there truly are no experts, so "they" don't know better than I do and I may not know better than them, but maybe we can learn from each other.   Maybe.

One of the best parenting advice books out there has helped me tremendously and it can help you too!  Are you ready for it?!  "Oh The Places You'll Go," by the always helpful Dr. Seuss.  "Will you succeed? Yes you will indeed!  98 and 3/4% guaranteed!  Kid, you'll move mountains."

As a final note to those questioning my grammer and editing skills  I know titles are supposed to be underlined, but I am using my phone to blog and I can't figure it out! And... if I leave this quiet place people will... well, they will want stuff!  Whew,  self justification complete.  I feel better.

His Subconscious Remembers

Sometimes my Obie has confusing  dreams.  As he describes them to me I realize he is having flashback dreams.  His conscious mind seems to have forgotten the worst things, but they linger in his dreams.  These disturbing flashes of his old life create what he describes as a kind of macabre portrait amidst dreams of battle scenes as if he is caught in an action movie/nightmare.

I am so glad he talks to me and doesn't suffer these things quietly.  When confusion reigns I retell his story because the nightly terrors are stopped when he can verbalize why they are there in the first place.  Something in my core knows I cannot keep secrets from him about himself.  His own subconscious would betray the lie and he would be distrustful of what he and I share.

As I retold parts of it his eyes flashed in shock at my omnipotence.   How did I know even what he wasn't saying?!  He is so precious to me and as much as I hate that we can't just leave the past behind, this retelling and reaffirming has only brought us closer. 

Again we ended our talk by praying for his first Mom.  This was my precious son's idea.  We talked for awhile.  He said he still loved her and I said that's a good thing.

There is no script for these conversations that I cannot fail to have, but I am so scared of failing.  I hope ultimately my words will convey that I am okay with the blurred lines and conflicted loyalties and bad dreams.  I hope over a lifetime of conversations we will get it right together.

Bringing Your Drama

   One of my insecurities in moving was that my family is full of drama.  At least, I feel like there is a lot of drama.  I asked myself, "Who would want us around once they figure out all of our crazy?"  It is one thing to live somewhere where people are already invested in you and your family.  Our friends and church in our former community watched our family change, and they rooted for our family to succeed. 

Moving is all about joining and joining something new tempted me to try and hide the crazy.  I just wanted people to like us!  Joining things is hard enough for a family of 7, but it is especially hard for Chi.

Before we moved we actually stopped going to church because every Sunday was so difficult for Chi.  We either kept him with us and got nothing from the service or we dropped him off and got to deal with the repercussions of his insecurities for the rest of the day.  Too often, the poor Children's Church workers would be quickly overwhelmed by his escalations

   One of the many new things you get to join when you move is a church.  We visited so many where we were invited to drop our children off in the children's area.  Sometimes none of them went, but we never sent Chi on the first visit.  It was enough for him to take in his new surroundings without strangers actually trying to touch him.

As far as joining goes, we have been attending the same church for nearly 2 months now. We were feeling like maybe we have found a home.  The children's program has also worked very well for our family.  Ryan and I joked that we were having "date" Sundays because for the first time it was usually just the 2 of us enjoying the service together.  How nice it is not to have a child beside you who will suddenly react loudly to the slightest stimuli just as you are beginning to be drawn into the message or music.

Everything we join, like this church, we have had to prepare them for Chi.  I sometimes struggle between wanting to give him a chance to walk in and just be another kid and being fair to everyone else so they can understand his behavior and can better meet his needs.

At our current church, I decided to try and let Chi go more of the "normal" route at first. I didn't want to be identified by the crazy. I gave a very light warning about him having some sensory issues.  That was a mistake. 

I had heard about some issues, but they were pretty minor.  Then came his third visit where he spun in circles, climbed on the tables, screamed at the leaders, and took swings at people who tried to touch him.  The teachers called in more strangers to calm him down.  Never did they call his family.  That was upsetting.   One of the helpers said, "I hate to say it, but he was just bad."

It was time for a meeting with the head children's pastor who had just returned from sabbatical.   As we sat down to talk she pulled up our family and there beside the boys, names were notes of concern. That sounded like an indictment.  As she read it off I felt stupid and a little irritated.  Not one volunteer work had added anything about Sensory issues, but they had a list of reactive behaviors and concerns about our parenting.

I sat with that pastor and I spilled their story.  I cried as I truly walked back through all they had suffered. I still felt bad sharing, but I realized some people have to know.

We had taught Chi to say out loud what was bothering him instead of just reacting so when he pulled in and said, "I'm afraid of you." That concerned people who didn't know better, whereas Ryan and I would have been proud of him for using his words instead of getting aggressive. The pastor had to understand Chi has a very legitimate reason he is afraid of random people touching him.  Add to his history  his sensory processing disorder and a room full of unexpected sounds and touches and it is amazing he is doing so well.

Obie, and Zee can walk into most anyplace now and function without much if any issue.  Chi cannot do that yet, but he is getting so close and I made the mistake of treating him like the others.  He is not and I am not doing him any favors by pretending otherwise.

By the end of our meeting another children's church leader had joined us and we had hashed out a plan of care for Chi that would address his special needs. One asked if she could hug me and the other asked if we could pray.  The way it all happened was unfortunate,  but in the end it has drawn us closer to the church. 

Yesterday we joined a large homeschool program.  Children are separated by age.  The place was loud and chaotic and dull of unexpected stimuli.  I walked Chi in I pointed out how the lights were different because they were so big.  "Look at those big lights Chi!"  I pointed out how it smelled different because of the rubber floor, "Feel the floor with me Chi!"  I pointed out how it was so noisy because of all the people, "There sure are  lot of NICE people Chi!"  Chi calmed as we walked through this little process.  Good thing Deb was there to support me with the other 8 kids. 

I wasted no time and found the head of the program and pulled her aside for a chat about Chi's overload issues.  She was great and all on her own she went right to Chi's area and rearranged the setting instantly to give Chi less to process at one time.  It was a great experience for all of us.  I guess I am learning how to be a joiner of things and how to do it the right way, one mistake at a time.

Bigger

I am short.  I have to stand up very tall to measure my full 5 feet tall.  I knew Cy and Liv were going to pass me eventually.  They aren't going to be super tall if the current trends continue, but they will pass me. 

My 2 youngest are growing like weeds.  They are going to pass me a lot sooner.  I can hardly keep Chi in shoes that fit and Zee wears 2 sizes larger than Cy did at that age.  Cy's hand was never so huge next to my small hand at 2 years old.

How big will they get?  It's one of many little parenting mysteries that is magnified by the adoption experience.   There are only 2 family members I have seen to help us make a guess.

I love my boys, and I want them to grow as tall and mighty as God wills, I just hope I can cradle them for a little while longer. 

Beware the Know-It-Alls

I see posts all the time from so-called experts in adoption psychology and the holier-than-thou attitude they convey really sets my teeth on edge.  I have talked to too many Mommas who are at their wits end looking for answers to help their grieving and angry children.  They have discovered countless short-term solutions from these "experts."   If there is a stone they have overturned it looking for a way that truly makes a difference in the long-term. 

These Mommas are not uneducated about the grief and trauma their children have endured, they are super educated,  Maybe even over-educated because there are all of these books and blogs detailing how to deal with your adopted child and instead of helping to create a mother who knows SHE knows her child best, they create anxious and nervous Moms who question every single thing they do with their children.

The books and blogs tell us we don't know what we are doing, but wait!  Haven't there always been children experiencing trauma and haven't their always been people stepping into that trauma to try and help?  Should a child be allowed to stay hungry, without family, and without home just to prevent a parent misunderstanding a moment of grief as something else?

Why at this point in history have we decided that these children, who thus far have proven to be survivors, are now so fragile and breakable that we cannot even parent them for fear of doing it wrong? 

JUST STOP IT!

You are driving people away from these children instead of toward them.  You practically feel like you need a degree in psychology to parent an adopted child these days.

Guess what nervous Momma? YOU are or will be, a gift to your children.  It doesn't matter if you get mad sometimes when you should be understanding.   You love your child or maybe at this point you very much WANT to love your child or you wouldn't be adopting.  You are well on your way.

There is going to be hard stuff and there is going to be good stuff.  Keep praying and listen to that still small voice inside you.  Please stay away from the know-it-alls!  They drown out that voice. 
Proverbs 14:12 says,
"There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death."

You want to adopt?   You want to parent for that matter?  Just get your knees ready.  You won't have all the answers and there is no great society of know-it-alls with all the answers either.  You will need divine wisdom and a lot of grace for them AND for yourself.

Unexpected Tears

I suppose there have been a thousand little moments where I have recognized again that the boys are finally "our boys."  Sweet relief and joy have begun to fall to more normal levels as I realize no one is going to pull the rug out from underneath our family.

Today I got the mail.  We received new medical cards with their legal names and I burst into unexpected tears of joy.

I love them so much.  I love our family.  My one little girl and her four  rowdy brothers.  I couldn't have asked for greater joy than than what God has given.  Now the state sends me these precious words of affirmation.  

Beautiful,  beautiful, day.  :)

11 Years of Preparation.

May of 2003.  Diagnosis Infertility.  The idea of adoption is born.

Feb 2004 my first son is born.

June 2005 I know we are supposed to have another child. I tell Ryan to choose adoption or more infertility treatments.  I am truly  okay with either choice.

May 2006.  My baby girl is born.  One for each hand.  I am content.

February 2007 adoption and foster care is celebrated at our church.  We decide to become foster parents.

June 2008.  We move out of state.  Fostering is set aside.

January of 2010  I woke up from the first of 3 vivid dreams about having more babies.  These dreams plant a new seed of a dream.

April 2010.  We start the process for international adoption.  This plan falls through.

September 2011 we become licensed foster parents.

January 2012 our three little boys join our family as foster children.

May 2014.  Obadiah, Malachi, and Zebedee become our forever babies.

I am amazed as I look back at the journey that has brought us to this point.  There were times the dream seemed so far away and impossible but here we are.

Matthew 19:26 (New International Version)

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

A Family!

It's official.  In a quiet and anti-climactic event we officially became a family.   Our hearts have known this for a long time now.  But... I still cried tears of joy.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow... tomorrow is going to be an awesome day!  I have some beautiful boys I will be celebrating tomorrow.

Foster Adoption and My Extended Family

If you have read my blog for any length of time, then you are probably familiar with how I have adjusted to our specific foster to adopt experience.  There was my Anticipation phase as we waited to be foster parents.  There was Disillusionment as I realized what a difficult transition it was going to be for all of us. There was the Adapting phase as we learned how to be together combined with the start the Insecurity phase as I wondered if we would be separated from one another.  Somewhere in the Insecurity period also came Unconsious Love, in spurts at first and then steady and sure as time progressed.  As we head to our adoption date we seem to be entering a what appears to be the final stage of Belonging.  They feel they belong with me and that they belong to me,  I feel the same way.  We are a family and we believe that will not be undone.  Like a beautiful sunset we are leaving the fostering period behind and heading toward a beautiful new day as a family.

However, Fostering to Adopt does not just affect the immediate family unit.  It affects the entire family.  Our families have reacted very differently to all we have gone through to become adoptive parents and their reactions have very much impacted my own experience.

I will begin with my Mom.  As some of you may know my Mom was adopted at 3 years old.  During my anticipation phase she was proud that we would consider taking this step, but also cautionary.  Her experience was not a beautiful adoption experience and although she loves her adoptive family it was not easy.  She said repeatedly, "You need to make sure you can love someone else's children BEFORE you do this."  Her caution grated my nerves. I already loved just about any kid I came across.  I just wanted her to be excited for us.

 Ryan's parents were concerned.  They would not talk about it a lot.  They believed 2 kids was plenty.  They did not know why we would want more. I talked about the NEED for these children to have permanent homes.  It seemed to fall on deaf ears.  One of the first things my Mother-in-law said about our willingness to adopt more than one was, "Don't expect me to watch them."   They were also concerned that we would adopt outside of our race.  We had small, quiet discussions about how our adopted kids would feel to look different from us or from the community around them.  They talked like they were worried about the kids, I felt they were only worried about themselves.  I think they were hoping at this point that if we did this thing we would at least get white kids, but pretty much they were hoping we would not do this thing.  Ryan and I knew we were going forward.  The 2 of us talked at this point about protecting our future kids from negativity.  Were we willing to step away from his family if their attitudes stayed where they were?  Yes.  We were willing.

My brothers and sisters were excited for me.  They always KNEW I would do something like this they told me.  If ANYONE could do it, I could, they told me. I loved talking with my sisters about my plans.

Ryan's brother said nothing, but then again.  That is his personality.  I guessed his feelings were similar to his parents, but I really have no idea.  My sister-in-law was supportive, but she wondered out loud how the extended family would take it.


Before I continue I must say that no one struggled with Baby Zee.  Zee came to us at 4 months old and had the instant love and acceptance of everyone.  His personality was calm and happy. These next portions deal mostly with people's reactions to the dynamics with Obie and Chi who came to us at 23 and 33 months old.

During the Disillusionment phase My Mom was disillusioned as well.   My boy's issues were not only grief from loss of family, the dynamics caused by the abuses they suffered led to behaviors that were frightening.  Mom gave me permission to let them go, but she also supported my decision to hang on.  She prayed with me for them by phone.  She prayed over them when she came to see them.  She prayed for a miracle in their minds and hearts.

My siblings were freaking out for me during the Disillusionment phase. They would attempt to be supportive, but they were scared of what forever looked like for me.  One of my sisters told my Mom I did not even look like me anymore.  I looked like some kind of worn out and old version of myself.  Like my Mom they all worried what this was doing to me and to their niece and nephew.  Everyone was worried about 5 year old  Livvy.  What would happen to her if the boys continued to react so intensely?  Multiple times I was cautioned, "They are little now, but they are not going to stay little."   My siblings prayed for my boys and they prayed for me.  My siblings kept the boys at arm's length as they struggled to deal with their own dissappointment.

For the rest of the family we kept contact to a minimum during this time.  We were walking through the hardest thing we had ever done in our entire lives and we did not want the weight of negative opinions.  We did not know if we could or even should keep going.  We struggled with wanting to quit every single day.  We did not really talk about the horrible stuff with the more negative family members.  When they called we kept things superficial and agreed, that yep, it was a huge adjustment, and joked about our crazy house. 

During the Adapting phase Mom prayed for ME a lot.  She was very concerned that this whole process was changing me into something unrecognizable.  She saw my fatigue, she saw my grief, she saw my fear, and she saw my anger and she worried.  My Mom is vocal about what she thinks so I know how she felt because she told me. During phone calls I spent time venting and also educating her on the reasons for their difficult behaviors and the steps we were taking to help them normalize.  During this point she also began to get a new point of view on her own childhood.  She wondered how difficult it must have been for her own parents to adopt two grieving toddlers without the support and education that I had available.  I cannot understate how much she prayed for the boys and the rest of our family during this time.

During Adapting phase my siblings began to focus on giving me advice to help with the process.  A lot of their advice I ignored.  The advice was typical raising kids advice, but most of it could not even begin to touch the types of boundary issues we were struggling with and very little of it helped me deal with my internal struggle to adjust to the insanity,  but I appreciated that they wanted to help make this work. I also spent time during this phase making sure I talked about this whole thing being a process of healing for the boys.  I told them that parenting hurt children therapeutically can help them heal, even though I was questioning this myself.  They also prayed for the boys and for me and my siblings worked to accept the boys and make them feel a part of the family through actions more than feelings, but it was a start.  I saw that they struggled with their instincts on how to connect with a child and with respecting how I had asked them to connect with my kids.  I did not get upset with their struggle because it was my own struggle during this time as well.  My siblings behaved like they trusted that I knew what the boys needed.  That was very affirming for me, especially when I did not trust myself.

As we began to Adapt we allowed some very limited contact with Ryan's family.  The little bit of contact we did give Ryan's parents seemed to quickly overwhelm them.  I read disapproval and stress into their stern faces and rigid posture around the boys.  I ignored it and was happy that we all kept visits short. 
It was especially hard because as we began to finally get some footing with our new family they began dropping hints that this was not something they wanted us to do.  The hints got less and less subtle until Ryan's dad came right out and told Ryan he thought we were making a mistake.  His Mom cornered me on one occasion and told me I should only adopt the baby. As they began to see our determination to remain a family emerge, they began to adapt as well.  An important part of their adapting was a couple firm speeches from Ryan.  He let them know that they would accept all of our family or they would not have any of us.  We would not have the boys hurt by rejection.  We backed off on visits and phone calls dramatically.   When we finally visited I watched as they struggled to accept and adapt.  I reminded Ryan to be patient with them.  It began first with holding them awkwardly or trying to engage them boys' in conversations.  They began to inquire politely about the boys during phone calls.  When they sent gifts to Cy and Livvy they usually sent something small for the boys.  They were trying.

With fostering the Insecurity phase is pretty much present the whole time.  It looks differently at different points, but it is there constantly.  My Mom walked through this with me.  She talked with me so much during this process and we are so bonded, that she wanted what I wanted.  The fear of loss, she experienced as well.  We have similar personalities so she got mad, and sad, and prayerful just like I did.  We both wanted the best for the boys and she also went through a different insecurity as she worried about her daughter's struggle.  Who would I be if they stayed?  Who would I be if I lost them?  She never kept the boys at arms length in spite of her fears.  She pulled them to her and worked on the actions of loving them.

The insecurity affected my siblings differently.  My sisters had my heart.  Protect the boys, protect the boys.  protect the boys. They were mad when I was mad, the championed when I despaired, they feared the boys going back to that trauma for the boys' sakes, then they feared for my sake, and farther into the process they began to fear the pain of loss to themselves as well.  We had long telephone conversations going over every single possible outcome and the horror of maybe losing them.

My brothers' were less involved in the day-to-day struggles.  They didn't understand the process and early on they sometimes said things like, "Oh, so they aren't adopted yet?!"  They were kind to the boys, but would focus on the fact that whatever happened was probably for the best. Their insecurity did not really begin to surface until the State filed for termination of parental rights.  At that point there was something to gain and something to lose.  They began to understand the magnitude of the process and worried about the outcome.

Ryan's parents were the most comfortable with the Insecurity phase.  I think they felt this was the time where our minds could be changed or something could happen and the boys would go back.  They would ask how things were going, but where my family would celebrate the milestones that kept us together Ryan's parents and brother were quiet.  It wasn't until after the appeals court upheld Termination of Parental rights, that they began to show any signs of concern that the boys' weren't adopted yet.  The boys had been with us for over 2 years at this point.

Most of my family believes that you practice love 1 Corinthians 13 style even before you feel it.  Every single member of this family immediate and extended has practiced acting out this love even when they did not "feel" love for the boys.  1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 " 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

What I am calling Unconscious Love is something different.  It is the kind of mush that happens inside you when you look at someone and you are overcome for a moment with the beauty of their life.  It is something you can feel, not just something you do.  1 Corinthians love is pure and can be practiced.  Unconscious love comes easier when you practice the kind of pure love God calls us to, even when you don't feel it.

The Unconscious Love phase, which began at around 2 months for my immediate family for the older 2 boys was like starting a cold engine.  It was just spits, coughs, and misfires at first.  It takes time before the engine of love becomes smooth and automatic.  The boys' behaviors were HARD so that made it harder to connect.  I noticed that the extended family from my Mom through Ryan's family had varying degrees of lag time, but when the Unconscious Love phase hit them it was similar to our progression, just slower.   Their love began to emerge in direct proportion to the amount of time they were able to spend with the boys.  It made sense to me.  We had been given the opportunity to connect and love them all day every day for a year before unconscious love for the older 2 began to get some real traction between the immediate family members.  How much harder would it be for those who saw us so much less?

 At this point in our journey nearly all of our family is either completely head over heals for our boys or they are at least in the beginnings of the Unconscious love phase.

The final stage I call the Belonging Stage.  This weekend we celebrated Mother's Day at our home and all of my family and Ryan's Mom and Dad and Grandma were there. I can't exactly describe belonging, but I know what it looks like...

 We take a family picture and my boys tuck themselves comfortably between Great Grandma and Great Grandpa while Ryan's Mom snaps a picture.  My boys are not spinning and crazy.  They are chatting up the Grandparents.

Ryan's Dad pulls Chi up beside him.  They are discussing the merits of tractor rides and Super heroes.

 My big brother plays trampoline games with all the kids.  He scoops up Obie with the broken thumb and helps him "fly" through the air.

My aunt sneaks another cookie to Chi with a sly wink and Chi grins, but does not overstimulate.

Grandma lays against the couch to rest and Obie asks if she would hold him.  He remains calm when he crawls into her arms and sits soaking up the rays of love like sunshine.


My sisters, perform the generational sign of female love in this family.  They grab at my kids as they run by and tip them back to kiss their faces and pretend they taste like chicken.  My boys receive this love without it sending them for an emotional loop and then run off to join the rest of the boys.

My brother pulls me aside.  Tears in his eyes.  "When I look at Obie and Chi it's like... They are like Cy to me you know?"  Yeah.  I know.  "I feel like their ours now, You know?"  Yeah.  I know.

Update

We are settled in for the most part.  My 3 little boys have gotten past the worst of their transition issues.  Then the older 2 then started to grieve a bit for their friends.  

We have all gone through a round of sickness and multiple visits from workers getting us all legal here as far as foster care goes.

During this time we also finalized the adoption paperwork.   Our big day is May 29th!

Obie broke his thumb last night when he tried to pick up a big tractor tire and dropped it on his hand.  We got to do lots of documenting because of foster care and additional paperwork because we just moved.  Thank God nothing worse happened, but it just underscores how great it will be to reduce the extra steps we have to do as foster parents.

Moved

We are moved and settling in to our new home.  I have been dealing with a lot of junk coming from Chi.  I knew there would be regression, but this has been difficult.  On the positive side of things, these difficulties drive me to my knees.  God has been hearing from me a lot lately.

In very exciting news the appellate court upheld the lower court's ruling concerning termination of parental rights.  I squealed with joy when I saw the decision.  Knowing they will never go back, continues to relieve my spirit.  We just wait for the lawyers to finish things up and we can move onward to adoption.   I am so ready for that next step.

We already had the caseworker do a visit in our new home.  I don't know why, but I feel so encroached upon.  Our caseworker is so kind.  She is really nothing but nice to us, but she is a reminder that the boys belong to someone else.  She is a reminder that everything is uncertain until the adoption decree is signed.  I almost start to feel like this is a done deal and a sure thing and then... its time for more dc$ stuff.

This next part is hard for me to write.  I feel like I have to justify it somehow...  We are hiring my sister on as a nanny to live in the guesthouse behind this house.  It helps her situation out and it helps us as well.  We may have hired someone even if it couldn't be her.  I know I am at a distressing point of burnout.  The move has not helped.  Ryan and I always have to be available for Chi and Obie.  We always have to be "on."  They do not handle shifting caregivers well.  Obie can go from mature and helpful and sweet to manipulative and destructive as soon as he is left with caregivers besides us. Chi always struggles accepting change, but he goes straight back to constant screaming at any and all stimuli as soon as his little world gets rocked by any change. 

My sister is used to working with other little boys from similar trauma pasts with similar ways of functioning.  She came to help as we were moving in and Obie tried his usual tricks on her.  She was ready.  Obie told her as we were outside, "I don't like you!  You are mean like my Mom!"  I had to laugh when I found out about that.  My Obie-man is used to being able to work his caregivers.  When I asked him about it, he said he liked Aunty, but she didn't give him enough cookies.  Too funny. Could I hang on without help? Yes, but God has worked things out so I don't have to go this alone and I am so grateful.

There is a deep loneliness that comes from moving AGAIN (This is move number 10).   I look out the windows of my home and I feel isolated.  I feel the chore of having to reconnect again.  I am getting too old for this.  Yesterday as Chi reached a frenzied level of over-stimulation and proceeded to lose his mind in the Target checkout line, I realized that every new relationship will have to be a relationship that wants to deal with our large and unique family dynamic.  That's quite an investment.  I know God is good.  I know he will send me relationships, but I am so glad to know my sister is coming and I will not be alone.

Problem Solver

Zee is being two.  I mean he is fantastic, but oh so 2!  I remind myself it isn't personal.  He just woke up one day and realized he has power, he has a voice, he has an opinion,  and Mommy is good for problem - solving.  So he works on having me problem solve ALL DAY LONG.  Precious little muffin that he is...

It seems interesting that as I focus on uncurling my clenched hands from the idea of  having control another strong voice has joined the chorus of voices saying, "Uh, MOMMY!  I need you to solve everything!"

Chi is still flipping out, but I think a little less.  He continues to improve in his sensory struggles to unexpected stimuli and that helps everyone.  He actually is a very funny and sweet boy when he isn't dealing with sensory avoidance.

  I am beginning to get a better perspective.  They aren't going to magically become 6 year olds overnight and I don't really want them to do that anyway.

Yesterday we all survived 8 hours in a car together.   It was just me and 5 opinionated kids.  There were some bad moments, and some hilarious moments, and quite a few times I had a realization that any noise repeated 20 plus times in a row makes my mini van start to feel like more like a paddy wagon, but it was decent enough.  I got us ice cream as we neared home.  We deserved it.  I survived their childish antics and they survived my parenting from the driver's seat.

In other news it looks like we will moving in mid-March. The house is the big one I wanted and I am looking forward to settling in and having room.

 I check the online appeals court docket twice a day to see if we can schedule our adoption date. From what I have seen the decision could come any day now.

Chi and Obie got their weighted vests today to hopefully help with their sensory struggles in crowded noisy environments.  We have a sports banquet and father/son basketball game with our home school group tonight, so we will see how it goes.

A New Road

We have been wading through the adoptions process as we wait for the appeals court to finish with the case.  Every form we could sign, submit, fill out, or file is done.  I am handing the last bit of paperwork we are responsible for to the caseworker when she comes for her visit tomorrow. Everything that needs to be turned in or filed with the appellate court is done.  The docket states they are "fully briefed."  From here on out we simply wait for the judges to decide the case.

I am rushed for a couple of reasons.  The first is I want to be D-O-N-E, done, with DC$ in our lives.  This last part has been easy compared to the first part of waiting to know what was going to happen to my kids, but I guess I, or rather we, are still traumatized by the experience of it all.

That gets me to my second reason.  We were driving to a therapy appointment for the boys almost a month a month ago now.  They were terrible.  The screaming and fits, and naughty behavior was off the charts.  They screamed when I was out of sight and they screamed and they fought with my helper I brought along.  When we got home they were calmer, but still ended up being sent to their rooms.  I thought they were just having a bad day.  Then later, when all was quiet and Chi played beside me in the living room he said, "Mama, I did not like it when you left me at the visit.  I was crying for you, but I couldn't get through the door." 

I was amazed.  The visit had been a year ago.  "Chi did you think we were going to a visit today?"  We take a lot of the same roads to get to therapy.

He answered, "Mama, I don't want to cry at the visit anymore." 

Blown away.  How could this fear still exist?  I reminded him we did not have to do visits anymore.

Fast forward about 45 minutes and Obie was sent to his room for out-of-control behavior.  When I sat down to talk to him I said in exasperation, "What is with you today?!  You have been like this all day!" 

He answered, "I don't wanna see S (his biomom) Mom!  She is in blanktown and she wants to get me back!  She been there for 10 years Mom!"  

I assured him we were only going there for therapy.  I assured him visits were all done.  He answered, "I don't want to go to visits Mom.  I wanna be 'dopted like Cy!"  No, Cy is not adopted he is my biological child, but Obie on some level understands Cy's status as permanent and his as unstable.

The boys' confusion and fear touched me deeply.  I understood a lot of the in car tantrums we had been dealing with on a certain highway.  When Ryan got home I told him that maybe we should consider moving someday.  Maybe that was the best way for the boys to heal...

Well, it turns out that there just happened to be a job available.  It turns out that he just happened to be hired a week later.  It turns out we were able to accept an offer on our house just 4 days after that!  We got the offer on our house, after they trudged through an ice storm to get to the 2nd viewing and write up the paperwork.  Only God sells your house in the middle of a February ice storm people! God works in mysterious ways.

So now we are headed down a new road.  And since we already have a closing date for this house it's a rushed road.  I don't know what it looks like, we are having some trouble finding a place that will easily hold our crew that has all of our specifications.  The goats and chickens are coming along!  I know that God obviously wants this for us.  I would love for the adoption proceedings to be all ready to go when we leave this place and I would love to be able to find a great house for all of us. 

Adoption progress

The termination case continues to move slowly through the appellate court process, but things are happening. We were fingerprinted for the adoption and background checked AGAIN.  We filed our petition to adopt, gave the boys new names for official paperwork and signed lots of papers.  We also got to review the case files.

It was astonishing how much paperwork there is in what they refer to as a small case.  The case file was over 2 feet high.  In some ways it was like reliving the horrible stuff, and in some ways it was an incredible gift.

My favorite part was getting to see their newborn information and the hospitals' copies of the boys tiny foot prints.  We were given a notepad to take notes, but we used our phones and snapped pictures of things like that.  We requested copies of the medical info, but we don't know if we will get that for certain.

We pulled out the filing for termination and snapped pictures of the whole thing.  I don't know how curious our babes will be someday, but when the time is right then I believe they have a right to know their story.  All of it. 

So now I just wait for the Appellate process to complete and dream of the day when they are finally ours and the insecurity of all of this is behind us.

Waiting for Bureaucrats

Waiting for this appeals process to complete so we can finally adopt is a little like waiting for your tax return.  I can't see what they are doing.  I have no idea what the back log is and I imagine this file sitting on someone's desk waiting to get noticed...  My tax return is only important to me and when the IRS decided to delay last year it was completely out of my control although everything was in order.  Like my tax return, this appeals process is only important to us.  Everyone else can take their sweet time.

After the holidays we are going to go ahead with finishing up our part of the adoption side of things.  We are going to do the fingerprinting and paperwork that will be required of us.  Hopefully when this all wraps up we will have done all we can to be ready and maybe, hopefully, help things to move that much faster.  I want the official forever stamp.

I heard Obie (Tyke) and Cy discussing adoption again yesterday.  I am not sure why Obie brings this up to Cy the most.  He always asks Cy, "Am I 'dopted yet?" I think in part its because he really wants to share a room with Cy and Cy's room is in the basement.  Cy's window is such that you can easily climb in and out if need be, but it is not an "official" egress window, so it is not allowed.

Remembering Who We Are

I was talking with a good friend who got a way for a couple of days.  She has 6 kids and she is devoted to protecting and providing for them. Three of her kids have been adopted for just a little over a year.  As a result she rarely if ever glances up and takes a breath from meeting their needs.

I am the same way.  Babysitters happen only when absolutely necessary, and they are coached extensively.  We keep kids out of children's church because of behavior spirals.  We sit with them in Sunday School class.  We are asked to stay close to the classroom for Wednesday nights.  I deal with constantly coaching myself to parent in a way that will not create a downward spiral.  I constantly teach, nurture, correct, coach, and sustain little ones.  We participate in therapy.  Then there is laundry.  That deserves it's own section.  We are always about our childrens' needs. This is true of many mothers, not just moms in a foster or adoptive situation.  All day of nearly everyday is all about them, and that is a good thing, but... we forget who we are.  We sometimes even let their attitudes decide who we are today.

When my friend got away she said the same thing I did on my last little escape.  "I felt like I was just ME!"  There is something so rejuvenating about remembering who we are and what we love.  There is something refreshing about remembering that there is a fountain of laughter inside that wants to come out.  In the hard days of parenting we settle for finding ironic puffs of humor in the insanity, but that is not a fountain, that is a pitiful squirt. 

I am learning through this process that all of the mushy talk in the beginning, about making time for yourself in this process is actually incredibly important.  When we are constantly trying to get inside of our children's brains to help heal and grow, or just plain subvert the anarchy, we forget to remember who we are.  We have to remember that there is life after all of this crazy.

What makes me happy?  What energizes me?  Why am I just plain cute and fun?  Taking time a little time to do the things that bring me energizing joy leaves more of the best parts of me for my little ones and that can't be a bad thing.

A Saner version of Crazy.

I am just going to start posting.  I am not sure how much of this will make sense, but if I don't write, well... I won't!

I had been very sad, mad, bad, grumpy, tired, and hopeless. I have struggled off and on for the last year.  I was improving, but there was still an obvious issue.  I had been overwhelmed.  I have been praying a lot about this issue.  On a very hard day I learned about Thin Healthy Mama.  This way of eating is transforming my mood, and my waistline a bit too :)  I am so thankful for those moments when we hit bottom and the God of all creation is right there to scoop us up with actual life changing steps to take.

The kids still have behavior issues, but the sensory processing therapy has helped a lot.  Also, it doesn't get to me the way it did.  The bad news is that for the last month the boys' medical coverage has been denying coverage, for SPD therapy, but at least I know some of the tools to use. 

Chi has really struggled in church groups lately.  Something about that room sets him off.  I can't tell if the workers want me to stay or not.  We did not go to church on Wednesday night.  I just did not want to have to pull Chi back from the edge.

We are looking at adopting again.  We got the blessing from our licensing worker and from the boys' caseworker.  Even if this adoption isn't finalized yet, we are told it will not negatively impact our adoption of the boys. 

We knew a girl who needed to be adopted because her first adoption isn't working out.  We won't be getting her as her first adoptive family does not feel it would be  best for her to be placed so closely to them.  That was a little heartbreaking for me.  We know this girl, V, and we love her, but it is not to be.

However, since considering V we have become attached to the idea of growing our family again.  We are keeping our eyes open for a placement that God would have for us.  We don't necessarily want babies.  V is 7. We just want to be a home for a child who needs us because we are starting to feel again that there is someone else out there who belongs in our family.

Budding Artist

Baby is Zee.  Tot is Chi.  Tyke is Obee.  Hope that helps Mitzy ;)  I tried to fix descriptions on my website and it wouldn't save the changes.  Frustrating.

My daughter came to me crying yesterday.  Her brother told her her artwork was no good.   My little girl loves to draw.  I pulled out artwork from 3 years ago that was nearly unrecognizable.   "Look how far you've come Liv.  You get better at what you love to do because you do it over and over."  I compared her artwork to an artist in another book.  "It's true that you can't create something like this yet, but look how much closer you are now than you were?"  I laid out all 3 pieces; her piece from yesterday, her piece from age 4, and the piece from the master artist.

I started crying.  This road has not been easy.  I was JUST complaining in prayer about my inadequacies to the Lord. I see a picture that is not nearly as beautiful as what I am aiming for and then my crying 7 year old walked in.

This picture of our family, and my picture of myself have come so far from the survival mess we were.  All I focus on is the Master version of what we are supposed to be and I lose sight of the growth from a fresh an inexperienced hand to one that is purposing to create something beautiful.  This family just gets better and better at what we love because we are intentionally working towards our family masterpiece.