Therapy and Ah Ha Moments.

Therapy was good today for the boys.  The therapist used another means for the boys to communicate other than talking.

The caseworker came out and said point blank that we needed behavioral responses to things rather than the boys words because little children's words can be so easily manipulated.  I let my boys' therapists know this and we are now collecting that sort of evidence.

I called my caseworker today and she sounds amazed that more was not done like this earlier in the case.  Me too actually, but no one from the state was any help whatsoever.  With no experience in these matters and no direction the case is where it is.   The caseworker could take action based on everything that came out of today's therapy, but I don't expect anything.

 I had an "ah ha!" moment tonight...

God doesn't need me at all in order to work His will in my family, in DC$, or in anyone around me.  My cooperation allows God to perform his will in MY life without so much pain for me.  That's it.  He doesn't even need me for the boys.  I am not vital to the plans He has for others' lives I am vital to his plans for my life.  God is God!  If he can stop time, holds ultimate power over life and death, and can speak a universe into existence, then He does not need me to accomplish His will! 

This is so freeing!!! Being used by God is a privilege for me, not a necessity for God's plans.   I don't have to come up with the right convicting words to be used by God to change a heart.  I don't have to convince DC$ of the right thing to do.  I don't have to have perfect parenting ideas.  I don't have to do perfect and be perfect so that everyone's worlds will be perfect.  I have no control over that!  Oh thank you God that I don't have control over that.

If I say "yes" to something God will use it for my good and if I say "no" he will use that too!  Not one life will veer outside the Will of my Heavenly Father because I turned right instead of left, said, "no" instead of  "yes," gave another chance instead of giving a time-out.  He's using it all, every single second, to do what He wants done and He has no need for part-time help from me or any other "problem solvers" out there.


So now a little celebration....  I have no control!  I am free from worrying about how others feel about every little thing!  I just need to cooperate with the Lord!  I can do that!  My mommy used to say I was a very cooperative child.  This rocks!  I can do it!  Woo Hoo!

Okay, my childish celebration is complete.  I need to hang onto this and never let it go.  God doesn't need me, I need Him. 

I Cried...

I called the visit supervisor to confirm there was actually a visit today.  Yes.  So I am readying the boys for a visit instead of VBS tonight.

My face was blank and I felt the brick in my chest.  Is this really happening?  She has made 4 in a row.  They will be heading home at this rate.  I cried. 

I know that these boys will go wherever the Lord determines they should go.  I can't see any good in reunification, but I am not Him.

There is a tiny part of me that just wants to call and say, "I can't do this.  Take them out."  I don't want the lingering loss upon loss as the boys are pulled away more and more and I am less and less to them. 

I am a Foster Mom and I should cheer for the reunification, but I know what she did.  I will never post that here, because its their private story and even in the anonymity of cyberspace it feels like a violation to them.

I guess its okay to cry a little.  I will get the boys up from naps now and get them in a good mood about seeing her.

It's All in How You Look at Things

My Counter... It is sad how often I let it determine how I feel about myself as a mother.  I look at it and I think.  What a mess!  Why can't I ever keep things looking nice?

As I stared once again feeling condemned by my counter I realized that the majority of these items had only landed there in the last hour. I decided to snap this picture and go back over all the things I see and tell myself why they are there.

The bottle of medicine is there because I was getting a headache and it was making me grumpy...  I take care of myself so I am a happy Mommy.

The flier is for a sale is because I try never to buy something unless it is on sale and even then usually the flier just sits on my counter and is eventually tossed out ... I am careful with our money.

The Kindle is because I had been reading through my Bible study.... I value God's Word.

The Sun glasses are because we had been going in and out all day...  I like to spend time outside.

The toy microphone started out precious as I listened to my babies sing into it.  It had to be removed and "put up" because an argument over ownership started... I love to hear my babies sing and I don't allow fighting over toys.

The books are on the counter because I looked at books with Baby and pointed to objects with him...  I think learning is important and I love spending time with him.

The stack of mail ... Because that is the sort of thing I can never get to when it first enters the house... I prioritize my time.

The teacup sits in the center of the counter because I took time out to make a little cinnamon sugar mix for the kids because they have been rejecting cereal lately...  I care that the kids with low-iron eat their iron rich cereals.

The red bowl collects my daily scraps for our chickens... I even want to make the chickens happy.

The plates are all sat out so I can easily serve everyone's dinner... Because I like us all to sit down at the table at the same time together.

The baby formula feeds the littlest member of our family... I don't like my kids hungry and fussy.

The camera lets me snap a picture at a moments notice (although usually my oldest are snapping those pics)... I believe the best pictures don't happen when they are planned.

The orange box is full of books I need to return to a friend... I save money by borrowing things instead of buying. 

The frying pan holds the beginnings of our dinner...  I cook good meals for my family.

The zucchini just came in from our garden... I like fresh produce.

My counter says a lot of things about who I am, but it is not a condemnation of me as a mother or wife.  I need to remember not to listen to the nasty voice that is always trying to convince me I am not good enough.

What about you?  Does your counter reveal your priorities too?

Slow to Anger?

So... God is dealing with me because I have been so quick to snap at my babies lately. The Word convicts me of my sin without leaving place for my excuses.   It's so easy to blame stress, but the Lord expects more of me.  I am praying for His blessing as I repent and strive to put my quick temper behind me.

Prov. 14:17: "A quick tempered man does foolish things…"

Prov. 14:29: "A patient man has great understanding, but a quick tempered man displays folly."

Prov. 15:1: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Prov. 15:18: "A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel."

Prov. 16:32: "Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city."

Prov. 19:11: "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense."

Prov. 19:19: "A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again and again."

Prov. 22:24-25: "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared."

Prov. 29:22: "An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins."

James 1:19-20: "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."

Ephesians 4:26-27: "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Aftermath of Visits

The visits are confusing Tyke and bringing out his RAD-like tendencies.  The play therapist is officially diagnosing Tyke with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), but I still think he is healing somewhat.  The diagnosis may help the judge to see the seriousness of what has been done to him.  At least that is admissible in court.

After the last visit Tyke mentioned wanting to go back.  I expected that and was not surprised.  Visits are a holiday of sorts.  There are no real rules or expectations.  He gets to eat and play and what 2 year old would not like that?  Then after this last visit Tyke did not want to get out of the van, but he came willingly enough.  Then he told the visit supervisor he wanted to go with her.  I was thinking he just wanted to go see his B.M. some more.  As she pulled away he cried.  He said, "I want to go with F________, she loves me!" F___ is the visit supervisor.
  "Did she say she loves you?" I asked with a smile.
  "Yes, I want her!" 

So, we are back to the stage where anyone Tyke spends time with has the potential to be his Mommy for now.  I am sad, because of all that I have put in, but I also know that this is what it is like for RAD kids.  This is what I think... These visits are damaging the healthy connection he is building having only 1 primary caretaker.  They are leaving him confused about whom to attach to so he will attach to anyone.  In short the visits are triggering the RAD to be more pronounced.

Then there is Tot.  Well, he is just very combative and screamy today.  This is the case after all visits.  He shows no emotion when he leaves and he shows none when he returns.  You would think he does not mind the visits. He had pretended to infant cry a lot today.  He won't use words he just grunts and cries like Baby.  I remind him he is not a baby, and I offer to give him a hug if he needs it, but I try not to get pulled into the scheme he is attempting to build.  Now, Tot is up in his room still making crying sounds after 30 minutes about having to have naptime.  I know him by now, and he is exhausted, and the "crying" isn't real, it is just to get my attention.  If I go hug him or pat him or whisper to him, or threaten him it won't help.  It just reinforces the behavior so I am sitting outside blogging so I can keep my mind busy.

The only one that is pretty okay today is Baby.  He spent some time with a stranger yesterday.  She fed him and put his pj's on.  Baby is a pretty laid-back little guy so other than getting quiet when others hold him he does not change all that much.  I pray this can continue to be the case.

Court Today

The boys' B.M had court today.  Ryan took off work so we could  both be present.  It is no fun waiting for someone to remember the foster parents may want to know how things went.

The caseworker was absent due to her Father's death.  There was a fill-in.  I was surprised when the DC$ attorney asked for a 90 day sentence for B.M's failure to follow the court ordered protocol for reunification.  They mentioned failed drug tests, they mentioned lack of attending visits, they mentioned failure to participate in parent training, etc.  When the judge asked for documentation no one, NO ONE had brought the actual paperwork  to back up their claims.  Even the advocate, whom I truly like, said he had the documentation on his computer in his office.

B.M. was ready for a fight today.  She waved her hands around and came off cocky like someone was trying to steal her kids.  The advocate did well to point out all the failed drug tests.  At least he had submitted a report.  B.M. did not deny failing the drug tests she actually said, "I have  made it to ALL my drug testing since the last court date."  She also tried to claim she had made it to all the visits.  Just not true, but without the caseworker there no one had the information at had to refute her statement.

The judge then asked her if she had a drug problem.  No.  He asked her if she loved her kids.  Yes.  He asked her if she wanted them back.  Yes.  

Judge set another court date to follow up on the allegations of failed drug tests etc.  Now we wait until July for the next go-round.  He set the next permanency hearing for early in December.  We will have had the boys 10 and 1/2 months at that time.  Craziness. I would not want to be that judge.  If you come without evidence you are wasting his time!  Do they not think of these things?!

After that we headed home and I was ranting to my husband about how fragile the whole thing is and about how it is going to take a miracle for these boys to be free from the abuse they suffered.  The worst allegations cannot be substantiated.  All we have are the words of a 2 year old, so they will not be bringing that up in court.  Ryan was not surprised.  It's why he cannot bond as I have.  Chances are they will be returned to the mess they came from.  He let me rant, he's a nice man. 

Tonight the boys are at a visit.  B.M. was all worked up when she called to confirm.  The visit worker said B.M. left a message saying, " you better bring my kids to the visit!"  I helped load the boys.  I did not make sure they napped today.  I gave them 2 big fluffy marshmallows a little bit before they left.  Not nice of me, but I am frustrated and I will be honest.  I don't want her having a lovely visit.  After they left I just cried on my hub's shoulder a little bit.  I hate visits.  I really, really hate them.

I wonder if they will file for termination in October as was indicated or if they will just wait until December.  In some ways the long wait until December is nice.  I will get to hang on to my boys and love them that much longer and for that I am thankful.

Removed for Spanking

My caseworker and I were chatting during her visit to my home on Saturday and she let me know that her week had been stressful.  She had to remove children from a foster home because it was discovered the family was spanking the kids.  She started to call it abuse and then stopped herself and just said it was against the rules.

I wonder sometimes if I don't get more angry and frustrated because a thump on the bottom is not allowed.  It seems when crazy breaks loose in this house all 4 older children are in on it.  I can't just swat the bottom of the first child that snatches a toy and runs for dear life.  I have to give this child much more of my time and attention in order to do anything but spank.  Unfortunately there is no removing a triggered child from the situation and knowing the other 3 are fine.  I get so frustrated trying to come up with behavior modification techniques CONSTANTLY and still trying to keep tabs on the others.  It seems like I get one modified only to have to turn around and modify someone else. I end up feeling like all I do on some days is issue threats and follow through on them.  Yes, I praise good behavior and yes, I attempt to redirect, but sometimes those little blessings are just nasty to one another!

As a toddler Cy was easy, he got warnings, timeouts, and occasionally a swat for dangerous or downright rebellious behavior.  His goal was to please me so he was fairly well-behaved.  Liv was my strong-willed baby.  When she was two I became so exasperated at all of her defiant and dangerous behaviors.  If she was behaving very badly I would often resort to spanking, but by that point I was angry because I had waited too long to establish my God-given authority over her actions.  I learned to apply a measured swat to the bottom before I was so frustrated that I was just venting my anger on her tiny bottom.  Olivia learned the line and her behavior improved dramatically.

Fast-forward to the present and here I am with toddlers again and the old ways of doing things are out.  I have literally felt like I was wrestling sometimes to enforce a time-out.  I have had to put them back and put them back and put them back after they jump up from that spot.  No, I have not always put them back super gently. Tyke will do everything wrong he can in 30 seconds if he suddenly decides he wants my attention.  He goes into a Tasmanian Devil routine and literally spin around the room snatching toys and throwing them to the floor, jumping on the furniture and throwing his body into people and things.  Oh how I wish I could swat his bottom in those moments.  I like to think of it as a "snap out of it" swat. Alas, as a foster parent I am not permitted this means of correction.  I am sure there are many, many, families who have taken it too far so all foster parents are forced to follow these guidelines.

In some ways I get it, I really do.  I have read Parenting the Connected Child.  I understand about the child needing to feel they are in a safe place and I so want my children to feel that safety, but dangerous actions without any fear of consequences place children in greater danger.

 Sometimes, unruly children put parents in impossible situations.  I have been there many times.  Today, the play therapist decided she wanted to go on an outing with us.  She offered to take Baby and Tot to the car for me at the end of our outing while I gathered up our things. Not too hard as my babysitter had already loaded Tyke into his seat.  I laughed as she attempted to hold Baby, work the gate and hold Tot's hand.  He jerked his hand from hers and dashed into the parking lot full of cars.  Yes, play therapist, I thought, "Welcome to my world."  Tot has no fear of cars because he is too young to understand and he does not fear punishment because there will be no spanking and timeouts are not an effective form of correction when he is going to be strapped into a car seat anyway.  Foster parents may not use any form of restraint on the children and so we risk Tot's death in order to protect his self-esteem.

The times when I have felt the most strongly about spanking have always involved one child abusing the rights of safety for another child. This behavior always results in timeouts and when the offender will not stay in timeout while the injured child is screaming from the pain of a vicious bite mark, yes, I have definitely wanted to have a come to Jesus moment with the offender's bottom.

 Someone asked me a couple days ago about how my children were handling sharing my attention.  They are doing very well sharing my attention.  I prepared them for the reality of the changes many many times.  What I failed to prepare them for was the many times they would be physically hurt.  I failed to prepare myself.  In those moments when chaos reigns I struggle to keep my anger in check so the boys won't be afraid.  Fear surrounds me.  My kids are afraid because playing nice does not mean they won't get hurt.  I am afraid because I recognize I can't keep them all from getting hurt, and the boys are afraid because they are in a house that is full of screaming again.  Even if they are the ones who caused the screaming to begin with.

I am rambling a bit now, but my point is there is a lot that goes into parenting hurt children and perfection is unattainable, but whatever you do DON'T swat their bottoms for heaven's sake.

Good Times

Today has been pretty uneventful.  That's a big deal in my world now.  Not having to deal with visits all the time is a big plus.  We had play therapy this morning and learning and development this afternoon.  I totally forgot a therapy appointment, so I will call and apologize profusely tomorrow, but today I am feeling pretty zen about everything. If I had remembered the therapy appointment 45 minutes away, I would not be posting about the awesomeness of this day.  Just sayin'.

The boys are really coming to a better place.  They are communicating their needs more appropriately and violence and screaming were all within "normal" levels today.  Ahhhhh so sweet!  The two workers that were here today were all compliments for the boys and I have to agree with them.  We have a bedtime and naptime routine that has been working and their sweetness has really shone today and I absolutely believe that sleep makes all the difference in the world.

It's just really nice not to have to report some awful new development.  It's also hard because I see this working now... Oh well, its not in my hands. 

Just want to say, Thanks God.  Today has been a good one and even though I know you are with me in the valleys I am happy to get to walk this little mountain top with you.  I don't know what you have in store for these boys or for my family, but I know you will be with us.  Keep me covered in peace while I wait for the end or not.  Amen.

Where things are and are not going.... At this point.

At this point the caseworker, the advocate, the visit supervisor, the caseworker's supervisor, my husband and myself all want to see termination happen in this case.  Bio-Mom just does not attend anything and she is continually prompted to attend. She has failed drug screens when she shows up, she does not attend counseling, she does not attend training, she does not attend visits, she misses parent team meetings.  She is getting mad now because the kids aren't home yet, but she is not doing anything. 

There is a visit scheduled for Saturday and Bio-Grandma is invited as well.  They both failed to call or show for the last visit.  I am hoping for and expect more of the same.  These little boys do not need the confusion the visits provide.  So I am praying that Tyke and Tot will not have to deal with any visits.

As for my family...  My husband does not think that adopting all 3 boys would be right for our family.  He says he loves them and cares about them, but that he does not feel he/we are equipped to handle so many so close in age.  We disagree of course, but I am trying to trust that the Lord has our future all figured out and that the Lord has placed my husband in leadership of our home for a reason.

  I was very emotional about this.  I did not want to post anything, because I have been fighting a big emotional fight trying to be okay and make this work for our family.  I can bear their leaving if I never had the chance to have them because of a family reunification, but to have them say, "Okay, are you ready to adopt?" and then have to turn them away...  I love these boys so much, but the truth of the matter is I cannot do this without my husband.  Ryan is aware that when the time comes they will most likely take all of the boys rather than separate them.  He still wants to see termination of parental rights happen.  Neither of us can bear the thought of the boys returning to the abuses they suffered. 

I think that he may change his mind.  I think that he may not.  If he does not I believe it will devastate me, but I cannot and will not hold that emotional gun to his head.  Who knows?  Maybe God will keep me in such perfect peace I won't break into a million pieces.

I am just living today and enjoying today with my precious family.  God is bigger than all of this.  God is bigger than all of this.  God is bigger than all of this.

Amen?  AMEN!

Interrupted

Well here are the latest updates for Tyke, Tot, and Baby.

Bio-Mom got one visit a week given back.  The judge said she could not reschedule services or it would count as a cancellation.  She is not allowed to reschedule or cancel one or she loses visits again.  She had a visit scheduled for Thursday and yes, she rescheduled the visit.  No one told the visit supervisor about the judge's ruling (of course) so the supervisor accepted the rescheduling and Bio-Mom did make Saturday's visit.  Score one for B.M.  She also got a job.  Score another for her.

This week the boys' Grandma will be given a visit.  I am transporting for that.  I don't know what to expect.

On the home front things are looking somewhat better.  We had some excellent family time this weekend.  I am really enjoying having a helper for the summer.  I only had her for 3 days last week and it was a huge stress relief.  I want to be clear that this is not help so I can sit on my butt and eat bon bons.  I still manage my household, its just like having extra arms (every mom's dream).  It was a thrill to work my way down my old everyday to-do list and actually get most of it done.

 I also sat down with my helper and we talked about my goals for this summer.  I want to go out and enjoy summer with all 5 Littles.  I want to help Tyke get potty trained.  I want to help Tot with screaming fits, and I want to make sure everyone can play outside a great deal and stay safe while doing it. Oh, and I'd like to be able to get basic housework done everyday.  That's pretty much it.

I know I discussed worrying about what others think I should or should not do.  This people-pleasing is a problem for me, and it has begun to make me crazy.  So instead of going off the deep end trying to make it all work I say this, "I know we are supposed to go out Saturday night.  I am feeling anxiety because I want to make you happy, but I am nervous that all of our sitters will have plans."  I am trying to just do my best and forget the rest.

Ok so right now I am feeling anxious because I want to finish this and go back and recheck/edit so it will be written well, but there is a little boy upstairs fussing because he just woke up.  I have to choose.  I choose Tyke.  Catch ya'll later!