I was told loud words and cussing erupted in the hallway and the sheriff posted by the courtrooms had to come and ask them to stop or leave.
I was told B.M. will be serving the next month of weekends in jail until the next court date.
I was told the kids' advocate was blunt and said, "Ever since I got this case we do the same thing every month. She makes promises she doesn't keep. She blames everyone else and we give her more time and there are children to think about.
I was told the judge replied, "So you are getting tired of it? We do have to look at the fact that these kids have been in the same home for 8 months. There is bonding to think about. We are reaching a point where we almost HAVE to terminate rights here."
This upset bio-grandma and she said she wanted custody of the kids. The judge told her that he knows she wants custody, but it takes more than wanting them to get placement. There are things she has to do and from what he is seeing between DC$ and the advocate's office no one wants to place them with her.
I was told they can file for termination October 5th, but that they will not file then. They made an agreement with bio-mom's attorney not to file for termination until after the next hearing in late October. Bio-Mom's attorney has requested a meeting at DC$ office mid-October, with bio-Mom, herself, and DC$ present. I don't know why.
I don't know what is happening but the judge sees the kids interests in all of this!!! I am so thrilled about that if nothing else. I do wonder why they are meeting with the lawyer. I wonder if they will try to make some agreement about Grandma together and circumvent the judge. I wonder if they will make an agreement to give bio-Mom more time. I wonder if the meeting will be in regards to voluntary relinquishment. I wonder a lot of things.
I am happy that termination is within sight. As precious as parent's rights are, the rights of their children are far more precious. These babes don't deserve to have the rug ripped out from underneath them and be sent back to all the hell they were enduring. They are safe now, and they are beginning to forget. I hope it is God's will that they stay here, but my greatest hope is for his will above my own since I can't see the whole picture.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
A Bit of an Update
I am waiting to hear what happens as a result of court today.
One positive is that due to court today there is no visit for the boys. Bio-Mom could have rescheduled, but she chose not to do that. I am glad that we have this week off from visit drama.
The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit She told me court was actually today. She told me not to get my hopes up. She told me there is a good chance that bio-grandma would get placement. She told me that bio-Mom will probably not serve time. She said that they just want the judge to know she has not done what she is supposed to do and then they want her, the casworker, to file for tpr. The caseworker wants bio-Mom to get at least 2 weeks in jail and then she wants to take a wait and see approach to determine how B.M. will behave once she has spent some more time in jail. Huh?! I am sorry, but forcing someone to do what their kids need by putting them in jail seems wrong to me. No one would have to put me in jail to get me to be a willing parent to my kids. The caseworker says she will file soon, but that it can take 90 days or more for the filing to go to trial.
Caseworker also let me know about some possible changes. She says she may be replaced as she is trying to get another position within the agency. She says the judge may be replaced after the election. Even the top of the chain within her department has left recently. All these changes could mean huge headaches for me, but they could be just what God is doing to make some positive changes. I just keep praying that evil will be bound and God's will is done.
I'll be posting again when I get an update on how court has gone.
One positive is that due to court today there is no visit for the boys. Bio-Mom could have rescheduled, but she chose not to do that. I am glad that we have this week off from visit drama.
The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit She told me court was actually today. She told me not to get my hopes up. She told me there is a good chance that bio-grandma would get placement. She told me that bio-Mom will probably not serve time. She said that they just want the judge to know she has not done what she is supposed to do and then they want her, the casworker, to file for tpr. The caseworker wants bio-Mom to get at least 2 weeks in jail and then she wants to take a wait and see approach to determine how B.M. will behave once she has spent some more time in jail. Huh?! I am sorry, but forcing someone to do what their kids need by putting them in jail seems wrong to me. No one would have to put me in jail to get me to be a willing parent to my kids. The caseworker says she will file soon, but that it can take 90 days or more for the filing to go to trial.
Caseworker also let me know about some possible changes. She says she may be replaced as she is trying to get another position within the agency. She says the judge may be replaced after the election. Even the top of the chain within her department has left recently. All these changes could mean huge headaches for me, but they could be just what God is doing to make some positive changes. I just keep praying that evil will be bound and God's will is done.
I'll be posting again when I get an update on how court has gone.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Tommorrow is another court date.
I don't think I have much to say. I have been thinking a lot about the court date tomorrow. Praying for bio-Mom, for God's will, for the childrens' welfare to reign above all else. I am praying for the judge. That he would be used by God. I pray God would grant him the wisdom of Solomon. I am praying for me, that I will believe through this court date and any others that Christ's majesty is reigning over what may appear to be chaos.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
At Church Today
Tyke has graduated out of the nursery and into Children's church. The fun part of for us is that he now sits in church with us until the Children are dismissed. Ryan had to leave the service for the cry-room because Baby wasn't feeling well. It was me, Cy, Liv, and Tyke.
Thankfully Cy and Liv do pretty well. If they were getting away with things while I was dealing with Tyke they kept it under the radar. Tyke had to sit on my lap, then he wanted to stand, then he wanted to sit on the front pew, and he wanted to twist and turn and reach for anyone around us to see if they would hold him (no, I did not allow that). Whew! The first half of church was a major workout holding a wiggling 3 year old.
I suppose the audience was too much for him to pass up because he broke out with, "Ow! You're -" All of the sudden he stopped and looked up into my eyes and whispered, "I not say that." Thank the Lord in heaven. I don't know if he was concerned about lying or if he was concerned what outings or treats he may miss out on, but Tyke got himself under control (well, in that area anyway). He still tried to lay on another woman behind us. To keep me from looking up front he kept saying he wanted to give me kisses and grabbing for my face. He reached his hands into my hair softly and then quickly pulled it all over my face so I couldn't see. He was seriously going for an attention war. He would never have pulled that with Ryan there, but he works me a lot more than he does Ryan. I finally got the shenanigans to settle down by threatening time-out in his car seat in the car.
He does not like car seat time-outs, which is how we handle things when we are out. None of our kids liked car seat time outs. I am not sure why they are so effective. Maybe its knowing they didn't end things for everyone else just themselves. The offender stays in the car, while one of us waits outside until the screaming subsides (no point in torturing my eardrums). All the rest of the family continues participating in whatever event the culprit has decided to forgo and it allows the innocent parties to suffer the least.
I am noticing little control behaviors like needing a kiss (well more like 20), messing up my hair when it starts as a gentle touch, fake crocodile tears, insisting he has to go potty when I am giving attention to someone else, when I just took him. In themselves the behaviors can seem like no big deal, but the behaviors have taken a turn to become something he can use to manipulate me. Tyke wants my attention on him. He has me figured out. He knows the consequences of hitting, screaming, stealing, and now saying I "hurt him" aren't worth it. He is so smart.
He's been here long enough to know I am a very touchy affectionate person. I like to touch those I love whether its, a kiss, a caress on the cheek, ruffling the hair, patting the arm, or scooping them into my lap. My kids probably all get affectionately touched 30 times a day or more. If someone comes to me for a hug or kiss I pass them out freely. One of my favorite games is to grab a passing child, scoop them into my lap, and tell them they are just a "precious newborn" and cover them in smooches. All of the kids love the attention (yes, even my big 8 year old boy although he says I will have to stop cradling him maybe when he's 10. I love how he has it all figured out.).
Tyke also knows I am very tender toward anyone who is sad or hurting. If someone gets hurt or is just emotionally struggling this is a time for connection. I never want my family to think they have to go it all alone when they are having big feelings. So we sit and talk and connect, and yes, of course we hug.
Now, Tyke is more emotional and affectionate than he has been in a long time. For example he has started coming to me sobbing giant tears over things that have never affected him the slightest before. The tears are big, and when I pick him up he feels like a limp noodle. I calm him and soothe him and send him on his way and he comes back to me for the SAME thing over and over and over until I am just like, "Knock it off!" and he usually does.
I am actually not sure what to do. I can't just stop being affectionate and considerate of broken hearts. My big issue is that these acts of love I give freely and in abundance, I don't want to feel like they are being forced from me in an attempt to control me. I REALLY don't like feeling that even my time in worship before my God has to take a back seat to Tyke's manipulations. I am going to have to get a plan to deal well with this behavior.
As an aside... Ya'll I LOVE Tyke! He makes my heart happy. He is so stinking cute and is growing leaps and bounds in so many ways. Please don't think I don't adore this boy. Today, we both had to use the restroom at the restaurant after church. My little man went first and then respectfully turned his face to the wall so I could have my privacy. I did not even have to ask, he has taken my words on privacy for everyone to heart. He is not a trial I must endure, he has my heart. There are just some behaviors I see that cause me to worry and if you have any advice to help make the hard parts easier I am all ears.
Thankfully Cy and Liv do pretty well. If they were getting away with things while I was dealing with Tyke they kept it under the radar. Tyke had to sit on my lap, then he wanted to stand, then he wanted to sit on the front pew, and he wanted to twist and turn and reach for anyone around us to see if they would hold him (no, I did not allow that). Whew! The first half of church was a major workout holding a wiggling 3 year old.
I suppose the audience was too much for him to pass up because he broke out with, "Ow! You're -" All of the sudden he stopped and looked up into my eyes and whispered, "I not say that." Thank the Lord in heaven. I don't know if he was concerned about lying or if he was concerned what outings or treats he may miss out on, but Tyke got himself under control (well, in that area anyway). He still tried to lay on another woman behind us. To keep me from looking up front he kept saying he wanted to give me kisses and grabbing for my face. He reached his hands into my hair softly and then quickly pulled it all over my face so I couldn't see. He was seriously going for an attention war. He would never have pulled that with Ryan there, but he works me a lot more than he does Ryan. I finally got the shenanigans to settle down by threatening time-out in his car seat in the car.
He does not like car seat time-outs, which is how we handle things when we are out. None of our kids liked car seat time outs. I am not sure why they are so effective. Maybe its knowing they didn't end things for everyone else just themselves. The offender stays in the car, while one of us waits outside until the screaming subsides (no point in torturing my eardrums). All the rest of the family continues participating in whatever event the culprit has decided to forgo and it allows the innocent parties to suffer the least.
I am noticing little control behaviors like needing a kiss (well more like 20), messing up my hair when it starts as a gentle touch, fake crocodile tears, insisting he has to go potty when I am giving attention to someone else, when I just took him. In themselves the behaviors can seem like no big deal, but the behaviors have taken a turn to become something he can use to manipulate me. Tyke wants my attention on him. He has me figured out. He knows the consequences of hitting, screaming, stealing, and now saying I "hurt him" aren't worth it. He is so smart.
He's been here long enough to know I am a very touchy affectionate person. I like to touch those I love whether its, a kiss, a caress on the cheek, ruffling the hair, patting the arm, or scooping them into my lap. My kids probably all get affectionately touched 30 times a day or more. If someone comes to me for a hug or kiss I pass them out freely. One of my favorite games is to grab a passing child, scoop them into my lap, and tell them they are just a "precious newborn" and cover them in smooches. All of the kids love the attention (yes, even my big 8 year old boy although he says I will have to stop cradling him maybe when he's 10. I love how he has it all figured out.).
Tyke also knows I am very tender toward anyone who is sad or hurting. If someone gets hurt or is just emotionally struggling this is a time for connection. I never want my family to think they have to go it all alone when they are having big feelings. So we sit and talk and connect, and yes, of course we hug.
Now, Tyke is more emotional and affectionate than he has been in a long time. For example he has started coming to me sobbing giant tears over things that have never affected him the slightest before. The tears are big, and when I pick him up he feels like a limp noodle. I calm him and soothe him and send him on his way and he comes back to me for the SAME thing over and over and over until I am just like, "Knock it off!" and he usually does.
I am actually not sure what to do. I can't just stop being affectionate and considerate of broken hearts. My big issue is that these acts of love I give freely and in abundance, I don't want to feel like they are being forced from me in an attempt to control me. I REALLY don't like feeling that even my time in worship before my God has to take a back seat to Tyke's manipulations. I am going to have to get a plan to deal well with this behavior.
As an aside... Ya'll I LOVE Tyke! He makes my heart happy. He is so stinking cute and is growing leaps and bounds in so many ways. Please don't think I don't adore this boy. Today, we both had to use the restroom at the restaurant after church. My little man went first and then respectfully turned his face to the wall so I could have my privacy. I did not even have to ask, he has taken my words on privacy for everyone to heart. He is not a trial I must endure, he has my heart. There are just some behaviors I see that cause me to worry and if you have any advice to help make the hard parts easier I am all ears.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
When to Fight
Cy got in a fight yesterday. We have been telling him since he was 2, "What's your job Cyrus?" He was taught to reply, "To keep Livvy safe." His Dad wanted him to carry a sense of responsibility toward his younger siblings. Well, when the boys came it became, "What's your job Cyrus?" His reply, "To keep my brothers and sister safe."
The few times I have seen Cyrus get physical with anyone have usually revolved around the fact that a sibling was threatened. One time I glanced out our kitchen window to check on the kids in our fenced in backyard. A neighbor boy Cy's age (5 at the time) actually had wrapped his arms around Liv and was going to carry her out of the yard. I wasn't sure what was happening but I saw Liv fussing and trying to get away and then I heard Cy say, "Put MY SISTER down!" The boy laughed and would not let my screaming Livvy go. That was enough for me I was making a beeline for the door when I saw Cy go up and hit the boy in the face. He dropped Liv and went running for home. I didn't know what to think. I mean we don't hit right?!
Well, when my husband got home I told him what happened, he clapped Cy on the shoulders and said he was proud of him for standing up for the weaker person and for protecting his sister. He warned him that sometimes there might be consequences, but some things are worth standing up for no matter the cost.
Thankfully we now live in an isolated area out in the country. Sometimes I let Tyke run around with Cy in the yard, while Ryan is in the barn. Tyke loves hanging out with his "big brother" and it makes life easier for everyone when the boys get lots of exercise. Last night was one of those nights, but it also happened to coincide with the weekend the nearest neighbor's children were visiting for their every other weekend visit with their Dad. They are usually good kids and often find their way over here.
I thought it was strange that Tyke came in without Cy after a short while. Tyke told me Cy said it was time for him to come inside. In just a few more minutes Cy came inside and laid down on the couch and he was quietly crying. I asked what was wrong and he said he did not want to talk about it. I encouraged him to talk about it anyway once Tyke started jabbering about hitting.
Cy's Story. "You know how I'm supposed to keep my family safe right? Well, Rex (Neighbor's kid 2 years older than Cy) was playing rough with Tyke and he made him cry like 10 times! I told him how you don't like us wrestling and not to hurt Tyke. Rex jumped and kicked me right in the stomach!" I thought he was done, but he was only getting started. "Well, I used my karate and I pinned him to the ground so he couldn't roll away and I said, 'MOM doesn't let us play like that!' As soon as I let up a little he hit me in the face and he was kicking me." It was then I noticed the swollen area next to Cy's right eye. Remain calm Momma I told myself. Well, he was beating me so bad, and I am sorry, but I just couldn't walk away! He was acting like he was going to hurt Tyke and telling Tyke to hit me so I told Tyke to go inside. He started going after Tyke then I just decided that I was going to stay in it!" Sobs were shaking his body as he sounded so disappointed.
At this point I was in shock. The neighbor boys, on the weekends we see them are usually quiet and sweet, even helpful. "He hurt you? Honey, you should have come and got me." "NO, MOM! He didn't hurt me! Well, a little bit, but I hurt him! I punched him and kicked him till he fell down and I pinned him on the ground and held him there." In my mind I saw the punches and kicks he had practiced till they were flawless in the DoJo. He really loved the discipline of Karate. Cy continued, "Then I jumped away really quick and I told him to get off my property since he couldn't follow the rules, and he ran away."
Judge me if you like, but I had to hide a smile. Seriously? My (small for his age) 8 year old son took on a child 2 years older and a couple heads taller, to protect his brother and stand up for the rules. Go boy! Cy kept looking at Tyke during his speech, "You ok bubby? You ok?" Tyke seemed entirely unaffected by the whole thing, but just kept going and patting Cy on the arm. My thoughts are that of the 2 of them Tyke has probably witnessed more violence, so a young boys' fight would not seem like a huge deal to him.
I tried really hard to see it from Cy's point of view. "Are you crying because you beat him up?" No. " Are you crying because he beat you up? " NO!
"Mom, I didn't win! He didn't win either! It wasn't a tie!" I was getting confused at this point until my precious son unfolded more of his heart. "Mom, I hit and kicked my friend! " I finally got where all the grief was coming from.
Cy has been in Karate. He has been taught that the best fights are the ones that never happen. He has been taught that you cannot win a fight. You can protect someone, but there is no such thing as winning a fight, because once it is reduced to fighting there is no winner. Here in the heat of the battle (literally) Cy completely understood that message. Not with a head knowledge, but with a heart knowledge. I have to say that I have often questioned whether or not I wanted Cy in Karate and he is no longer in it, but at this moment I was really glad he had been taught that message.
I thanked Cy for protecting Tyke by sending him in and I hugged him and asked him if he would like to go over and talk to his friend (I was still struggling at this point because all of Cy's red marks were beginning to show up well at this point). I took Cy over and Rex confirmed Cy's version of events. The adults decided to talk separately while I watched the 2 friends put their heads together. I found out later that they both said sorry. Cy told him he was NEVER to wrestle and play rough in our yard again or he would not be allowed over and to Rex's credit he promised never to do it again either.
We banned further visitation for this weekend as a consequence to the rule breaking and that was the end of it for now. At least this way I know my own children can play on our property without threat of violence! This is why we moved out of town. Geesh!
I let Ryan handle the manly aspect of it and he said just as I expected him to, "Cy, you did the right thing. You can't let someone bully your family, you can't let someone bully you." Cy cried. "He's my friend Dad! I hurt him." "You did not want to Cy. You tried to stay out of the fight right?" His blonde head bobbed up and down sadly. "Then I am proud of you." As I tucked Cy in last night we prayed for Rex, he must have been in a funk to start a fight that way.
It has been our family goal since before our first child was born to teach our children that there is indeed a time to fight. Although you don't start a fight, you don't walk away when the rights of the helpless are being trampled and when their well-being is in the balance. You step into the fray and you be counted. We always said we would teach our sons to be men who would stand for what was right no matter if they stood alone. It started with us solemnly telling a chubby toddler it was his job to protect his tiny baby sister. We have continued talking about the bigger message with Cy and Liv. We have prayed about it with our kids, and to some extent its almost a family motto. We stand up for what's right, even if it is going to hurt, and even if that means we stand up all alone.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
A New Tactic
Attention seeking behaviors. Yes, we get them. Tyke's newest behavior is saying he is being hurt. No, he is NOT being hurt, but he accuses. He accuses his bio-Mom at visits and he has begun accusing me. It all started at doctor visits. He was crazy bouncing off the walls at the last 2 visits. I picked him up and put him in timeout in full view of the doctor and nurse. He cried, "You hurting me!" The doctor just grinned and rolled his eyes and took no notice of his antics. Tyke did not get the traditional after shots ice cream treat because of his behavior. The others did.
Tyke decided he should give it another go. We were at a soccer game and little man just could not hold still. At certain times he tumbles and thumps and bumps himself all over the place when he is unhappy with the excitement level or when he is nervous. There have been numerous times where the tumbling lands him on someone else or actually in the soccer field. I give 2 warnings, which I think is incredibly generous. Then he has to come and sit right beside me. His next move is that he just CANNOT hold still. He must move, turn, stand, lay down, anything to buck control. When simply sitting doesn't work for him I have to hold him. Wrapped in my arms forcing him to be still so he does not get hurt or hurt others with his constant flipping and banging.
This week he decided to bring things to a whole new level. When I sat him beside me he started the twist. I held his hand as a reminder and he started yanking his arm and twisting it until it looked like a tug of war saying, "Ouch! You're hurting me!" I leaned over to whisper in his ear to settle down, and he screamed, "DON'T BITE ME!" I spoke loud enough for those sitting nearby to hear. "You are NOT being hurt, you don't like sitting still." Finally, he had to be taken in my lap. At this point, he twisted and moaned, "You hurt me, you hurt me!" Ohhhhh, I know Jesus still has a big job to get done with me because I wanted to "give him something to cry about," as my mother would say.
I told him if he did not stop he was going to the car. No, he did not stop. I ended up packing him into the baby stroller and leaving the others with Ryan. He screamed the whole long trek to the van, "I NOT A BABY!" i think nearly 100 people got to enjoy his little show. I got him into the van and he was screaming and fighting me the whole time. I put him in his car seat and turned on the van for air. I sat outside while he howled. I was thinking it might be a good time to just throw in the towel.
The whole incident was embarrassing and I felt like I had to defend myself and my actions because of a 3 year old tyrant. When we got home he spent the rest of the evening in his room. Every chance I got to do something fun with all of the children I made sure Tyke missed out. I made sure we did things extra fun and unusual. I spoke calmly and said, "I do not want to do things with someone who says I hurt them. You are not telling the truth." After 2 days Tyke started saying, "Can I come with you, I not say you hurt me." I hate how that sounds. It feels like I manipulated him rather than taught him to submit peacefully to authority.
Today, Tyke was upset about not being able to have snack on his schedule, he started to get in my face so I moved him away (It freaks me out to have someone yelling so close to my face their spit is hitting me). He fell dramatically to the floor and said, "OW!" I just looked at him and raised my eyebrow. Little man jumped up so fast and smiled and said, "I not say Ow. You don't hurt me. I not say that."
And now for the fun part, Tot began saying today, "Ow! Don't hurt me!" He was playing on the OTHER side of the room. This is a dangerous attention-getting behavior for any foster parent. I immediately scooped him up and took him to his room. The problem is Tot does not have the understanding that Tyke does. Can Tot understand that he is lying? Can he understand what a lie is? I was at a loss. I did not know how to teach this to a 2 year old. I said, "You don't lie." Tot said, "I lie." I said, "Mommy Mandy doesn't hurt you." He said, "Mommy doesn't hurt me." I said, "Do I hurt you?" He said, "You hurt me." In frustration I finally exclaimed, "You DO NOT say I hurt you or I will put you in time out. Tot said, "You don't hurt me."
I had no idea if Tot even had a clue because his brain basically shuts down and he becomes a parrot whenever there is conflict. He was tumbling around while playing and bumped into Baby. He said, "You don't hurt me Mom." Okay?
My problem is I want the boys to tell me if someone is hurting them. I want them to be empowered that way, but I am having trouble figuring out how to help them distinguish between truth and lies. As far as Tyke goes, if I know he is lying about me then I don't know who else he could lie about. That makes it hard to protect him. It is a huge job to help such little boys understand that memories and present day are separate. He had his birthday weeks ago and when he gets excited about his birthday he sounds like today is his birthday all over again.
I guess I will miss more soccer games if we have to, but we will still try to go and cheer for Cy and Liv. I am reminding myself if I don't give them an opportunity to fail I am not giving them an opportunity to get it right either. Still... It's embarrassing and potentially devastating for them and for us if they were to be removed due to this new game.
I can hang in there. I can fight these battles with and for the boys, but this is yet another reason why I don't ever see myself fostering again. These hurting children want control. Even as toddlers my boys are master manipulators. They push all the buttons to see what will happen. I let the boys see my heightened reaction at being wrongfully accused and it became a new tactic in thier arsenal. I am just glad they are so little because I can give a simple time-out for the accusations. What would I do if they were 14?
I am praying for them and I am praying for this case to move to termination quickly. What they need beyond everything else is stability. Visits, even the ones that go well, destabilize them. They need to know they are safe forever, not just for today.
Tyke decided he should give it another go. We were at a soccer game and little man just could not hold still. At certain times he tumbles and thumps and bumps himself all over the place when he is unhappy with the excitement level or when he is nervous. There have been numerous times where the tumbling lands him on someone else or actually in the soccer field. I give 2 warnings, which I think is incredibly generous. Then he has to come and sit right beside me. His next move is that he just CANNOT hold still. He must move, turn, stand, lay down, anything to buck control. When simply sitting doesn't work for him I have to hold him. Wrapped in my arms forcing him to be still so he does not get hurt or hurt others with his constant flipping and banging.
This week he decided to bring things to a whole new level. When I sat him beside me he started the twist. I held his hand as a reminder and he started yanking his arm and twisting it until it looked like a tug of war saying, "Ouch! You're hurting me!" I leaned over to whisper in his ear to settle down, and he screamed, "DON'T BITE ME!" I spoke loud enough for those sitting nearby to hear. "You are NOT being hurt, you don't like sitting still." Finally, he had to be taken in my lap. At this point, he twisted and moaned, "You hurt me, you hurt me!" Ohhhhh, I know Jesus still has a big job to get done with me because I wanted to "give him something to cry about," as my mother would say.
I told him if he did not stop he was going to the car. No, he did not stop. I ended up packing him into the baby stroller and leaving the others with Ryan. He screamed the whole long trek to the van, "I NOT A BABY!" i think nearly 100 people got to enjoy his little show. I got him into the van and he was screaming and fighting me the whole time. I put him in his car seat and turned on the van for air. I sat outside while he howled. I was thinking it might be a good time to just throw in the towel.
The whole incident was embarrassing and I felt like I had to defend myself and my actions because of a 3 year old tyrant. When we got home he spent the rest of the evening in his room. Every chance I got to do something fun with all of the children I made sure Tyke missed out. I made sure we did things extra fun and unusual. I spoke calmly and said, "I do not want to do things with someone who says I hurt them. You are not telling the truth." After 2 days Tyke started saying, "Can I come with you, I not say you hurt me." I hate how that sounds. It feels like I manipulated him rather than taught him to submit peacefully to authority.
Today, Tyke was upset about not being able to have snack on his schedule, he started to get in my face so I moved him away (It freaks me out to have someone yelling so close to my face their spit is hitting me). He fell dramatically to the floor and said, "OW!" I just looked at him and raised my eyebrow. Little man jumped up so fast and smiled and said, "I not say Ow. You don't hurt me. I not say that."
And now for the fun part, Tot began saying today, "Ow! Don't hurt me!" He was playing on the OTHER side of the room. This is a dangerous attention-getting behavior for any foster parent. I immediately scooped him up and took him to his room. The problem is Tot does not have the understanding that Tyke does. Can Tot understand that he is lying? Can he understand what a lie is? I was at a loss. I did not know how to teach this to a 2 year old. I said, "You don't lie." Tot said, "I lie." I said, "Mommy Mandy doesn't hurt you." He said, "Mommy doesn't hurt me." I said, "Do I hurt you?" He said, "You hurt me." In frustration I finally exclaimed, "You DO NOT say I hurt you or I will put you in time out. Tot said, "You don't hurt me."
I had no idea if Tot even had a clue because his brain basically shuts down and he becomes a parrot whenever there is conflict. He was tumbling around while playing and bumped into Baby. He said, "You don't hurt me Mom." Okay?
My problem is I want the boys to tell me if someone is hurting them. I want them to be empowered that way, but I am having trouble figuring out how to help them distinguish between truth and lies. As far as Tyke goes, if I know he is lying about me then I don't know who else he could lie about. That makes it hard to protect him. It is a huge job to help such little boys understand that memories and present day are separate. He had his birthday weeks ago and when he gets excited about his birthday he sounds like today is his birthday all over again.
I guess I will miss more soccer games if we have to, but we will still try to go and cheer for Cy and Liv. I am reminding myself if I don't give them an opportunity to fail I am not giving them an opportunity to get it right either. Still... It's embarrassing and potentially devastating for them and for us if they were to be removed due to this new game.
I can hang in there. I can fight these battles with and for the boys, but this is yet another reason why I don't ever see myself fostering again. These hurting children want control. Even as toddlers my boys are master manipulators. They push all the buttons to see what will happen. I let the boys see my heightened reaction at being wrongfully accused and it became a new tactic in thier arsenal. I am just glad they are so little because I can give a simple time-out for the accusations. What would I do if they were 14?
I am praying for them and I am praying for this case to move to termination quickly. What they need beyond everything else is stability. Visits, even the ones that go well, destabilize them. They need to know they are safe forever, not just for today.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
A Visit and a Revelation
Yes, there was a visit today. I did not want that to happen, but the boys are doing fine, so I am fine. Tot decided he would test my authority very quickly upon his return. I tried to reason with him. He was not feeling reasonable, so I scooped him up and put him in his room until lunch was ready. He screamed in there for a good long while. Until he heard me mention (rather loudly) to his brother that I hoped Tot could stop screaming soon, so I could bring him down for lunch. The room got quiet rather quickly.
Baby also decided he would follow me around screaming. This is Baby's new thing when I cook. He follows me around crying trying to get picked up. He is growing into his brothers' screams. They are loud and piercing and peace-rattling. I tried to redirect, to talk to him, to tell him, "no," but he just kept on, so I scooped him up and let him scream in his crib until lunch was ready. I sang loudly to myself over the 2 screamers, "IT IS WELL, IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL!"
I am still praying for God to move in this situation, but I am at peace. I pray daily for God's will to be done here and I believe it will be. I have always believed God's will would be done, I just wasn't sure if his will and mine matched up. A lot of my strong feelings have come from the fears of my own pain. I am afraid of how much it will hurt to lose them. I am afraid of what their life will be like. I am afraid, that God's will could cause me loss and pain and grief. God is teaching me what truly accepting his will should look like.
I expect my children to trust my wisdom. When I tell them it is time for bed I expect them to go to bed without attitude. As the authority figure, I am worthy of their respect and compliance. I absolutely think it is ridiculous for Liv to cry and pout and feel unloved and unwanted because I am doing what is best for her. I know she needs sleep. I know her day and her life will be better if she is well rested. Discipline often follows failing to obey with a good attitude. Even though I expect my children to obey me and trust me and choose joy over throwing a fit, I have been reserving my right to throw a fit if God decides to take my babies. I have just been harboring a resolve not to be okay if they leave.
I would NEVER allow my children to behave this way! My Heavenly Father is so much more patient than I. I can't believe he puts up with me sometimes. Today I am resolving to mold myself to His will. I am going to keep praying for the boys well-being and for the Lord's will to be done. I am dumping my right to be too damaged for His further use.
I pray Lord, use me how you would use me. If I get to be a forever-Mom to these boys, that sounds like a great plan to me, but more than anything I want your will. You see the whole story and I only see my right-nows. If you have an alternative plan for how I will serve your kingdom let me be willing and open to that. Just as I expect my children to trust me and obey me without fight, I pray that you will help me to develop the same childlike trust and obedience for your authority in my life. Amen.
Baby also decided he would follow me around screaming. This is Baby's new thing when I cook. He follows me around crying trying to get picked up. He is growing into his brothers' screams. They are loud and piercing and peace-rattling. I tried to redirect, to talk to him, to tell him, "no," but he just kept on, so I scooped him up and let him scream in his crib until lunch was ready. I sang loudly to myself over the 2 screamers, "IT IS WELL, IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL!"
I am still praying for God to move in this situation, but I am at peace. I pray daily for God's will to be done here and I believe it will be. I have always believed God's will would be done, I just wasn't sure if his will and mine matched up. A lot of my strong feelings have come from the fears of my own pain. I am afraid of how much it will hurt to lose them. I am afraid of what their life will be like. I am afraid, that God's will could cause me loss and pain and grief. God is teaching me what truly accepting his will should look like.
I expect my children to trust my wisdom. When I tell them it is time for bed I expect them to go to bed without attitude. As the authority figure, I am worthy of their respect and compliance. I absolutely think it is ridiculous for Liv to cry and pout and feel unloved and unwanted because I am doing what is best for her. I know she needs sleep. I know her day and her life will be better if she is well rested. Discipline often follows failing to obey with a good attitude. Even though I expect my children to obey me and trust me and choose joy over throwing a fit, I have been reserving my right to throw a fit if God decides to take my babies. I have just been harboring a resolve not to be okay if they leave.
I would NEVER allow my children to behave this way! My Heavenly Father is so much more patient than I. I can't believe he puts up with me sometimes. Today I am resolving to mold myself to His will. I am going to keep praying for the boys well-being and for the Lord's will to be done. I am dumping my right to be too damaged for His further use.
I pray Lord, use me how you would use me. If I get to be a forever-Mom to these boys, that sounds like a great plan to me, but more than anything I want your will. You see the whole story and I only see my right-nows. If you have an alternative plan for how I will serve your kingdom let me be willing and open to that. Just as I expect my children to trust me and obey me without fight, I pray that you will help me to develop the same childlike trust and obedience for your authority in my life. Amen.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
More Jail Time?
There is a court date on the 25th of this month to address the fact that even after 2 weekends in jail bio-mom is still not meeting the court ordered requirements for reunification. They are looking for serious jail time this time around.
Why don't they just terminate rights? This is so stupid and such a waste of taxpayer money.
I am told that bio-grandma is looking for placement. I know from what Tyke alone has said that this woman is reprehensible and should NEVER get placement of these children. This is the same woman who came to visits for a brief while and during that time Tot began to have non-stop nightmares and I had to seek medical advice and was advised to medicate him to sleep. Thankfully, the need for that ended as soon as her visits with the boys ended.
There is weird pressure from those higher-up who are not even intimately involved in this case to keep vital evidence from coming to light. The children's advocate has been threatened to keep silent about the evidence he has seen regarding the family. What is going on? I don't know, but I do know that we do not battle flesh and blood, but rather principalities and powers, so I will be praying like crazy.
I would like to ask you all for a week of prayer. The 25th is one week from today. If you can please add the boys to your prayer lists. I am praying for a breakthrough. I am praying that bio-grandma will be removed as an option of placement for these boys and that bio-mom will relinquish her rights rather than face jail time for children she does not want to do even the simplest tasks for to get them back.
Today I am praying in general for the boys and this case and specifically that there will be no visit for them to endure and recover from tomorrow.
Please let me know if you can covenant to pray with me. I could use the encouragement.
Why don't they just terminate rights? This is so stupid and such a waste of taxpayer money.
I am told that bio-grandma is looking for placement. I know from what Tyke alone has said that this woman is reprehensible and should NEVER get placement of these children. This is the same woman who came to visits for a brief while and during that time Tot began to have non-stop nightmares and I had to seek medical advice and was advised to medicate him to sleep. Thankfully, the need for that ended as soon as her visits with the boys ended.
There is weird pressure from those higher-up who are not even intimately involved in this case to keep vital evidence from coming to light. The children's advocate has been threatened to keep silent about the evidence he has seen regarding the family. What is going on? I don't know, but I do know that we do not battle flesh and blood, but rather principalities and powers, so I will be praying like crazy.
I would like to ask you all for a week of prayer. The 25th is one week from today. If you can please add the boys to your prayer lists. I am praying for a breakthrough. I am praying that bio-grandma will be removed as an option of placement for these boys and that bio-mom will relinquish her rights rather than face jail time for children she does not want to do even the simplest tasks for to get them back.
Today I am praying in general for the boys and this case and specifically that there will be no visit for them to endure and recover from tomorrow.
Please let me know if you can covenant to pray with me. I could use the encouragement.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
I'm Kind of Awesome
Ryan has been busy this week and weekend and I have been feeling... left behind? Its not that I am not busy, because I have 5 kiddos here and a house that is never completely clean, but that's another story I am not going to go into. Go read "Cranky" at Millions of Miles, that was attitude this week too.
I decided I would take the wee ones out for lunch anyway. I took all the kids to a nice sit down restaurant all by myself. They all sat down and were reasonably well-behaved. I kind of felt like the Queen presiding over my table of well-adjusted and awesome children. I was thinking to myself, "Hey people, do you see my awesome family? Do you know what a wonder it is that all of my children will sit and eat and chat like civilized human beings?" I don't think anyone noticed really, but I still think I'm kind of awesome.
Ok, in the interests of honesty, Tyke did stand up on his chair like 15 times, but he sat down when I reminded him! and... Tot might have hollered "NO!" at me for no reason like 7 or 8 times, but when I took him to the side and threatened him quietly with time outs and naps, etc he pulled himself together. Baby, did steal my straw and throw it on the floor, and he threw his sippy cup on the floor, and he grabbed food off of any plate he could reach and banged his spoon on the table, but his smile was perfect. Liv did sound like she had a bullhorn the few times she struggled with volume control, but Cy really was absolutely charming. He was watching football on the restraunt television and I never really heard much from him. The rest of them were still perfect in my eyes and I am still kind of awesome.
I decided I would take the wee ones out for lunch anyway. I took all the kids to a nice sit down restaurant all by myself. They all sat down and were reasonably well-behaved. I kind of felt like the Queen presiding over my table of well-adjusted and awesome children. I was thinking to myself, "Hey people, do you see my awesome family? Do you know what a wonder it is that all of my children will sit and eat and chat like civilized human beings?" I don't think anyone noticed really, but I still think I'm kind of awesome.
Ok, in the interests of honesty, Tyke did stand up on his chair like 15 times, but he sat down when I reminded him! and... Tot might have hollered "NO!" at me for no reason like 7 or 8 times, but when I took him to the side and threatened him quietly with time outs and naps, etc he pulled himself together. Baby, did steal my straw and throw it on the floor, and he threw his sippy cup on the floor, and he grabbed food off of any plate he could reach and banged his spoon on the table, but his smile was perfect. Liv did sound like she had a bullhorn the few times she struggled with volume control, but Cy really was absolutely charming. He was watching football on the restraunt television and I never really heard much from him. The rest of them were still perfect in my eyes and I am still kind of awesome.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Because You Said, "It Shouldn't Be Done"
Whether we foster or adopt some of you tell us we shouldn't do it. You tell us we are asking for trouble. You tell us we won't be able to handle it and that we are harming our existing relationships by moving forward with this ill-conceived notion of ours. Obviously we think we can handle things if we are moving forward, but you are right in one way. In reality this lifestyle is full of unexpected curve balls for the uninitiated.
You have frowned as some of us have taken on sibling groups. We see the reality, sibling groups need placements and homes too. One thing that greatly saddens me is that it seems that some of you who seem so ready to applaud if a family adopts 1 are the same people that will condemn the same choice if it is a sibling group that is being considered.
I want you to know that when you condemn a family who is considering adopting one or multiple children you aren't just condemning that family's choices, you are actively advocating against a home for an orphaned child. Have you thought of that? You are playing ball for the other side! You think that there are "others" who will mysteriously appear to meet the needs of these children, but if all adoptive families took the advice you are handing out who would care for the children? Children desperately need homes and they need families that are just crazy enough to think they can do it.
If you are planning on trying to talk a friend or family member out of an adoption are you willing to take their place and provide the home? Are you willing to be the home to a sibling group? If you are not, then you need to keep your opinions to yourself.
As soon as you tell me, or anyone else that you don't think this is a good choice for our families you firmly place yourself outside of the circle of trust. I know I can never call you and tell you about the really awful days. I know you will smugly feel right about your assessments of my family's ability or lack thereof. I don't believe you really care, and I will drown before I call you for help.
There were many days in the first few months of this placement where I knew I couldn't do this work. I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I felt overwhelmed, grief stricken, futile, angry, and disillusioned. You were right when you told me 3 traumatized children was just too much, but I made it because of those who did support me and some days on prayer power alone. Through one of the biggest storms of my life I did not call YOU.
Those who say a thing cannot be done are not soon forgotten by those who do it anyway.
My boys are still here and we are still a family and we are building a beautiful thing together. I do not know what the future holds, but I know God brought us all together. Maybe it would all be even better today if you could have been there for me in the beginning. As it was, I avoided having a real conversation with you. I still, I do not trust you. I believe you are waiting for me to fail.
Maybe you are reading this and you have told a friend or family member that they should not adopt at all, or you have proclaimed they should not adopt beyond a certain number. I urge you to go now and apologize. God can use you to support this family who can't do this big thing.
You can do your own part helping that new foster mother or adoptive mother adjust to her new life by bringing her dinner, picking up her kids from school, making a grocery run for her, or by simply bathing her new family in prayer. Aiding widows and orphans in their distress is more than just adoption. You can serve the Lord by being a blessing to those who go to the front lines even when God has not called you to that exact place yourself.`
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Fostering a Healing Relationship
Liv and Tyke have a difficult relationship right now. They are growing together, but that has been a slow build. My Liv is one who remembers a hurt. I am working with her, but she is quicker to mistreat Tyke than any of the others. When he first came she was so excited about the babies. She sounded like a little Mommy to all of them, but unexpectedly (for her) Tyke lashed out and hurt her physically many times in the first couple of months. She got bit hard several times, she watched favorite toys be broken in anger, she experienced countless "hit and runs," not only with hands, but with hard objects. Tyke would jump on her back as she lay on the floor and he would often pull her long hair. These things are mostly memories now, but she doesn't trust him and jumps on everything he does that even seems questionable because she is just sure he is up to no good.
I am worried about my girl and I discussed the relationship with the therapist today. The therapist reminded me that no only did she get hurt when she opened her heart and home, but she was the baby, and she lost her place x 3. I have worked hard to keep the special mommy daughter thing going but she still is struggling. I am sure some of it is age appropriate. She still prays nightly (without me telling her to) that the boys will stay forever. I know she loves them, but teaching forgiveness is a hard concept. It is one thing to say you forgive, but it is quite another to trust again.
Liv never handed out her trust easily. We used to laugh at the differences between her and Cy. Cy never met a stranger and everyone he met was assumed to be wonderful by him. He would smile for anyone who made up to him. If Cy got hurt he seemed momentarily confused and shrugged it off. Liv was a beautiful baby girl and so many tried to engage the pretty baby in check out lines or at church. As soon as someone spoke to her she would give them a dirty look. No, she did not look afraid or start crying, she had a chubby baby stare down going on and she gave anyone who presumed she would speak to them or allow them to touch her an angry scowl. If she ever got hurt, even if she hurt herself she would react in angry tears an lash out at whoever was closest. I remember one time as a toddler I heard her screaming in anger. I knew she'd been hurt and I rushed to her. She was sobbing and she pointed accusingly at a nearby wall and said angrily, "DA WALL GET ME MOMMA!" She has outgrown indiscriminate scowling and volatile anger accompanying boo boos, but she has not outgrown the immediate distrust of someone who has dared harm her.
i need to help her in this area, so I am blogging mostly to be able to help myself with ideas for her continued growth. I am hoping to be able to teach her that forgiveness is not a feeling that she will carry around magically. Forgiveness is an act of faith that shows our trust in God's ability to heal us, it is not something we can make happen on our own. We forgive those who have hurt us as we place them back into our prayer-life by seeking God for their well-being and we forgive them as we consciously shove them back into the compassionate side of our brain when we'd rather lash out again. God has given me plenty of opportunity to practice this for myself.
My mission is to figure out how I can break this down into a 6 year old level. I will encourage her to pray for him and I will encourage her to think about how things might be hard for him. I will encourage her to give him a chance to be close to her so God can bring the ultimate healing where forgiveness no longer has to be a conscious choice for her, but it can be a given in Tyke and Liv's relationship. I pray God helps me in this. If you have any ideas for how I can teach my lovely Liv I would love to hear them.
I am worried about my girl and I discussed the relationship with the therapist today. The therapist reminded me that no only did she get hurt when she opened her heart and home, but she was the baby, and she lost her place x 3. I have worked hard to keep the special mommy daughter thing going but she still is struggling. I am sure some of it is age appropriate. She still prays nightly (without me telling her to) that the boys will stay forever. I know she loves them, but teaching forgiveness is a hard concept. It is one thing to say you forgive, but it is quite another to trust again.
Liv never handed out her trust easily. We used to laugh at the differences between her and Cy. Cy never met a stranger and everyone he met was assumed to be wonderful by him. He would smile for anyone who made up to him. If Cy got hurt he seemed momentarily confused and shrugged it off. Liv was a beautiful baby girl and so many tried to engage the pretty baby in check out lines or at church. As soon as someone spoke to her she would give them a dirty look. No, she did not look afraid or start crying, she had a chubby baby stare down going on and she gave anyone who presumed she would speak to them or allow them to touch her an angry scowl. If she ever got hurt, even if she hurt herself she would react in angry tears an lash out at whoever was closest. I remember one time as a toddler I heard her screaming in anger. I knew she'd been hurt and I rushed to her. She was sobbing and she pointed accusingly at a nearby wall and said angrily, "DA WALL GET ME MOMMA!" She has outgrown indiscriminate scowling and volatile anger accompanying boo boos, but she has not outgrown the immediate distrust of someone who has dared harm her.
i need to help her in this area, so I am blogging mostly to be able to help myself with ideas for her continued growth. I am hoping to be able to teach her that forgiveness is not a feeling that she will carry around magically. Forgiveness is an act of faith that shows our trust in God's ability to heal us, it is not something we can make happen on our own. We forgive those who have hurt us as we place them back into our prayer-life by seeking God for their well-being and we forgive them as we consciously shove them back into the compassionate side of our brain when we'd rather lash out again. God has given me plenty of opportunity to practice this for myself.
My mission is to figure out how I can break this down into a 6 year old level. I will encourage her to pray for him and I will encourage her to think about how things might be hard for him. I will encourage her to give him a chance to be close to her so God can bring the ultimate healing where forgiveness no longer has to be a conscious choice for her, but it can be a given in Tyke and Liv's relationship. I pray God helps me in this. If you have any ideas for how I can teach my lovely Liv I would love to hear them.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Dreams, Mother-in-Laws, and Ignorance
I feel like I haven't rested. For the last 2 nights I have had dreams where I am trying to get things done and I just can't. In one dream I remember feeling a sense of satisfaction that I actually completed one of my tasks. My own face appeared in the corner of my dream and said roughly, "Yes, but what are you going to do about your complete inability to maintain your home." That wasn't very nice of me to say. I think my subconscious needs to give me a break.
I have been trying to keep lists lately. I decided I will not go out and get a job, so I make a list of all I need to get done everyday. I am treating my family and home as my job and trying to get serious about doing it the best I can. I will admit once I begin the list it becomes very important to me to check it all off. I have been feeling frustrated. I actually get everything done on my list and look around at the end of the day and I have more jobs left to do because 5 children cause so much disarray. I knew I was irritated about it, but I think it is really silly for me to be irritated at me.
I spoke with my MIL this weekend. I really love her and we have a good relationship, but she informed me that she thought it would be best that we only adopt one of these boys. It felt like a punch in the heart. Which one? She has the personality where she worries that things will go wrong. She is glass half-empty and I am glass half-full. I told her that at this point in the process we have absolutely no say about whether they will go home or if they will become adoptable. I also told her that the caseworker would not want to split the boys up. I don't want to split them up! I didn't say that part. I should have. I am one of those people that has my greatest comebacks about 3 hours after the incident. I did not say much, but I felt hurt even if she did not mean to hurt me.
They aren't puppies for crying out loud! They have a dynamic with us and with each other. It has been a part of their healing. Once again I am back to this place. I don't know what the Lord has in mind for these boys. I know what I think he will do, but I do not know for sure. I cannot be any part in causing anymore ripping and loss in these boys lives and hearts. God, knows this about me. I pray he will do his will in the boys' lives and I will go along with whatever he chooses whether it means joy or pain.
The quiet whisper in the back of my heart is maybe she just doesn't want to explain her differently colored grandchildren. She has always been sweet and supportive to them, and I imagine she always will be, but the area they live in is not diverse at all. We had talked about possibly moving back that direction someday, but diversity will be a huge consideration for me. I need a place where all of my children will feel a sense of belonging. Right now we are in that place. I am digging in my heels until this process completes itself one way or the other.
I talked all of this over with Ryan and he and I are of the same mind. To the best of our ability we will not cause further loss to the boys. We hope and pray that all family members will be accepting (so far they have shown that), but if any family member becomes a anchor on our children's ability to thrive they will be cut out. Seems harsh when I type it out that way, but it is the truth. Ryan and I don't take this stuff lightly.
Speaking of taking things lightly... A woman at the soccer field was very curious about my boys and asking uncomfortably nosy questions. I tried to answer very quickly and simply and end the conversation, but throughout the game she kept initiating conversation again. She asked me about my daughter's nickname after she heard me cheer for her that way. I smiled and said, Liv has the most names of anyone in the house. She replied, "Oh my boy does too! I can't say em' here though. He's half black so we call 'im n__ and n___jagger." I was shocked. My mouth literally dropped open. She calls her son the "n" word and allows others to do it as a NICKNAME?! I guess I was supposed to take that lightly?
Some people are so ignorant and they shine it like a badge for all the world to see. I am going to try and spot her before games from now on and sit on the opposite half of the field. As I said earlier, I just don't have comebacks for people. I don't think that quickly when I am reeling. I feel so sorry for her boy...
I have been trying to keep lists lately. I decided I will not go out and get a job, so I make a list of all I need to get done everyday. I am treating my family and home as my job and trying to get serious about doing it the best I can. I will admit once I begin the list it becomes very important to me to check it all off. I have been feeling frustrated. I actually get everything done on my list and look around at the end of the day and I have more jobs left to do because 5 children cause so much disarray. I knew I was irritated about it, but I think it is really silly for me to be irritated at me.
I spoke with my MIL this weekend. I really love her and we have a good relationship, but she informed me that she thought it would be best that we only adopt one of these boys. It felt like a punch in the heart. Which one? She has the personality where she worries that things will go wrong. She is glass half-empty and I am glass half-full. I told her that at this point in the process we have absolutely no say about whether they will go home or if they will become adoptable. I also told her that the caseworker would not want to split the boys up. I don't want to split them up! I didn't say that part. I should have. I am one of those people that has my greatest comebacks about 3 hours after the incident. I did not say much, but I felt hurt even if she did not mean to hurt me.
They aren't puppies for crying out loud! They have a dynamic with us and with each other. It has been a part of their healing. Once again I am back to this place. I don't know what the Lord has in mind for these boys. I know what I think he will do, but I do not know for sure. I cannot be any part in causing anymore ripping and loss in these boys lives and hearts. God, knows this about me. I pray he will do his will in the boys' lives and I will go along with whatever he chooses whether it means joy or pain.
The quiet whisper in the back of my heart is maybe she just doesn't want to explain her differently colored grandchildren. She has always been sweet and supportive to them, and I imagine she always will be, but the area they live in is not diverse at all. We had talked about possibly moving back that direction someday, but diversity will be a huge consideration for me. I need a place where all of my children will feel a sense of belonging. Right now we are in that place. I am digging in my heels until this process completes itself one way or the other.
I talked all of this over with Ryan and he and I are of the same mind. To the best of our ability we will not cause further loss to the boys. We hope and pray that all family members will be accepting (so far they have shown that), but if any family member becomes a anchor on our children's ability to thrive they will be cut out. Seems harsh when I type it out that way, but it is the truth. Ryan and I don't take this stuff lightly.
Speaking of taking things lightly... A woman at the soccer field was very curious about my boys and asking uncomfortably nosy questions. I tried to answer very quickly and simply and end the conversation, but throughout the game she kept initiating conversation again. She asked me about my daughter's nickname after she heard me cheer for her that way. I smiled and said, Liv has the most names of anyone in the house. She replied, "Oh my boy does too! I can't say em' here though. He's half black so we call 'im n__ and n___jagger." I was shocked. My mouth literally dropped open. She calls her son the "n" word and allows others to do it as a NICKNAME?! I guess I was supposed to take that lightly?
Some people are so ignorant and they shine it like a badge for all the world to see. I am going to try and spot her before games from now on and sit on the opposite half of the field. As I said earlier, I just don't have comebacks for people. I don't think that quickly when I am reeling. I feel so sorry for her boy...
Friday, September 7, 2012
A New Kind of Child Welfare
WARNING! This is a long one.
I know the point of child welfare is to reunite children with their birth families, but I want to make a very clear statement here. It is my belief that the point of child welfare is completely wrong. Child welfare should be about... GASP! Child Welfare!
I understand that biological parents deserve second chances to rehabilitate their lives and reunite with their children. I even applaud this effort. Families should stay together when a child's welfare is reasonably safe, but I have seen that whole reasonably safe part get tossed to the side repeatedly while children are sent home so the almighty goal of reunification can be met.
I understand social workers want us to help the children that come into our care to have healthy attachments. They believe that the young child will not really remember us anyway and as long as they were attached to someone as babies they will not really experience the loss of us because these little babies won't remember us. We are asked to accept that a young infant or toddler is terribly harmed by the loss of the person who carried them for 9 months, but told to disregard the loss that child may feel when cared for by another adult for 12 - 18 months. This kind of thinking is incredibly insulting to all parents biological and adoptive. It is an attitude that YOU really don't matter, YOU are replaceable. With this attitude it shouldn't be long before foster parents can be replaced with soft and snuggly human look-alike robots.
The child protective system seems to believe these little human beings just don't exist with real meaningful feelings until they reach an age where they can remember. Look at your little ones. Look into their sweet trusting faces and tell yourself its okay to disappear on them because as long as they attach to someone they will be FINE. No decent human being could do it, but many within the system buy into this heartless notion daily. The sentiment seems to be Don't worry about the kids, they'll get over it.
I have heard the argument that termination cannot happen because there are not enough families to adopt. That is completely absurd. There are far more families willing to adopt in the United States than there are children waiting to be adopted. Thousands of people gladly pay $30 - $50 THOUSAND dollars to adopt outside of the United States because our system is a convoluted mess! Many of them alsoadopt children older than 2.
Yes, if I adopt from China it will take a lot of money and time, and headache, but if I meet qualifications (which are clearly spelled out) I will get to adopt. I will get to make a difference in a child's life and they will make a difference in mine. There is a standard process in place and all applicants get funneled through it and the process, though slow, is doable. When you bring your child home they are yours, all the highs and lows belong to your family because you are... A FAMILY.
Contrast that with the US system. We are asked to be willing to adopt. We inquire into it and are told, "If you really want to adopt and have kids with you sooner you should foster." This was the main point I took away from the state required adoption class. Some of us foster, and we risk our hearts and lose these children. Sometimes the loss is so unbearable we completely lose heart for adoption. Some still stick to their sentiments and say they only want to adopt. They are then contacted with Legal Risk placements, this means that the case will probably go to termination, but that the child could be taken at any time at the whim of a judge or caseworker. When a family is finally contacted about an actual adoptive placement it often appears that no one even read the family's file before making contact. These problems have caused so many families to either give up on adoption completely or take out the 2nd mortgage to adopt overseas. At least then, these families, with hearts to adopt can actually make a positive difference in the life of a child.
I have been told by a social worker that kids often aren't available for adoption until they go home and are put back in the system, she said, and I quote, "by the time we are able to get them placed for adoption they are a mess." Do you seriously NOT see the issue here? Because the system doesn't exist for a child's best interests, many of the waiting children are older and extremely troubled. They have been in and out of the system. Although there are some families that sign on to do the hard work of adopting and raising these children many more families are completely terrified of what all those abbreviations attached to a name could mean in their own life, and rightly so. The traumas effect everything and minimizing that does a disservice to the foster adoptive family and the traumatized child. I contend that if parental rights were terminated sooner, so additional trauma could be minimized AND the system got an actual process in place many more children would be successfully adopted.
Let me say again, that yes, the parents of these children were once hurting children too, and they 100% deserve the chance to rehabilitate and bring their kids home, but they Do Not deserve to have 12 - 36 months of taxpayer supported, rehabilitation. Those funds would be much better put to use supporting the NEXT generation.
One of the reasons children end up growing up in foster care and bouncing around placement to placement is because the system does not treat foster families with dignity. Foster families are not given meaningful support when the chaos comes into their home. Did you just take in a sibling group? Managing that HUGE LIFE CHANGE is completely up to you. Don't complain, or the kids will be taken. Did you need some respite from 24 /7 madness? Its up to you to find someone to take on the work. Did you see something, hear something, or experience something with a foster child that reveals more than the original abuse allegations? When you report it you need to accept that you will be treated like a liar. You will be coached how you should have handled it differently. Everyone will question your motives.
Another argument is that foster and adoptive children go back to their original families even after adoption. The reason teenagers often go back to "old" families is because the system does not terminate soon enough when children can attach and adapt at younger ages and when that kind of change is easier. I know many adopted children and they all attached with their adoptive families. Even my mother, placed at 3 years old, and abused by her new parents, attached herself more to her adoptive family. Although she met her biological family, and cared for them she never decided she would detach herself from her adoptive family and she still maintains relationships with her adoptive siblings to this day.
Some advocates of bio-family first often cite the fact that adopted children grow up wondering and questioning why they couldn't stay with their families. Although this question may haunt some adopted children this is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. One of the rights of adulthood is looking back and questioning why. Many of us, if not most of us, have a question about a big thing that happened to us. Many of us spend our adolescence and early adult years wrestling with this question. It is through these backward glances that we decide if we will follow the paths chosen by those before us or if we will forge a new way. Of all of the adopted people I know this question has not stunted their ability to live their lives. The traumas associated with past abuses have, in some cases, stunted these people, but not the question "why." My adopted friends and family members include successful business owners, college graduates, amazing stay-at-home Mom's. None of these people were broken by their adoption. Those who had some issues were mostly broken due to ABUSE.
If birth parents are serious about changing their lives there should be major progress toward this after 6 months of intervention. First they should be required to acknowledge there is a problem. Drug tests should always be taken and always passed, parenting classes should always be attended, and visits should never be missed except for serious illness. Food, clothing, and shelter should be sought with intensity. I am not saying that after 6 months every problem would be solved, but serious birth parents will work hard to reunite and not let the system do all the work for them. It should not be up to the social workers to show they have turned over every stone to help a family to reunite. If you want your kids back someone else should not be doing the hard work for you! If there has been major progress all children should go home at 6 months or sooner. If less than half of the criteria have been met rights should be terminated.
I know this may sound heartless to birthparents, but I am not at all heartless in this regard. I met my birth grandfather and he was wonderful to me. He was a good man, despite his stay in jail in his younger years. I am told my Grandmother did everything she could. She even kept copies of all of the court records, and evidences of how she complied with court orders, including the cancelled checks from the bank for payments the state required her to pay for child support. She kept all of these things so she could prove in court and to her children that she did not walk away from them. Families that work hard to stay together should NEVER be separated. That is so wrong. However, even with that sad story, my Mom is a functioning and wonderful human being.
The next generation of abusive and neglectful parents will mostly be culled from those who are abused and neglected without rescue. Adoption does not break children, abuse and neglect does. The system needs to stop spending billions of dollars trying to rescue parents that don't really want to be rescued. Our entire society would be better served if the system spent that money rescuing the children instead.
I know the point of child welfare is to reunite children with their birth families, but I want to make a very clear statement here. It is my belief that the point of child welfare is completely wrong. Child welfare should be about... GASP! Child Welfare!
I understand that biological parents deserve second chances to rehabilitate their lives and reunite with their children. I even applaud this effort. Families should stay together when a child's welfare is reasonably safe, but I have seen that whole reasonably safe part get tossed to the side repeatedly while children are sent home so the almighty goal of reunification can be met.
I understand social workers want us to help the children that come into our care to have healthy attachments. They believe that the young child will not really remember us anyway and as long as they were attached to someone as babies they will not really experience the loss of us because these little babies won't remember us. We are asked to accept that a young infant or toddler is terribly harmed by the loss of the person who carried them for 9 months, but told to disregard the loss that child may feel when cared for by another adult for 12 - 18 months. This kind of thinking is incredibly insulting to all parents biological and adoptive. It is an attitude that YOU really don't matter, YOU are replaceable. With this attitude it shouldn't be long before foster parents can be replaced with soft and snuggly human look-alike robots.
The child protective system seems to believe these little human beings just don't exist with real meaningful feelings until they reach an age where they can remember. Look at your little ones. Look into their sweet trusting faces and tell yourself its okay to disappear on them because as long as they attach to someone they will be FINE. No decent human being could do it, but many within the system buy into this heartless notion daily. The sentiment seems to be Don't worry about the kids, they'll get over it.
I have heard the argument that termination cannot happen because there are not enough families to adopt. That is completely absurd. There are far more families willing to adopt in the United States than there are children waiting to be adopted. Thousands of people gladly pay $30 - $50 THOUSAND dollars to adopt outside of the United States because our system is a convoluted mess! Many of them alsoadopt children older than 2.
Yes, if I adopt from China it will take a lot of money and time, and headache, but if I meet qualifications (which are clearly spelled out) I will get to adopt. I will get to make a difference in a child's life and they will make a difference in mine. There is a standard process in place and all applicants get funneled through it and the process, though slow, is doable. When you bring your child home they are yours, all the highs and lows belong to your family because you are... A FAMILY.
Contrast that with the US system. We are asked to be willing to adopt. We inquire into it and are told, "If you really want to adopt and have kids with you sooner you should foster." This was the main point I took away from the state required adoption class. Some of us foster, and we risk our hearts and lose these children. Sometimes the loss is so unbearable we completely lose heart for adoption. Some still stick to their sentiments and say they only want to adopt. They are then contacted with Legal Risk placements, this means that the case will probably go to termination, but that the child could be taken at any time at the whim of a judge or caseworker. When a family is finally contacted about an actual adoptive placement it often appears that no one even read the family's file before making contact. These problems have caused so many families to either give up on adoption completely or take out the 2nd mortgage to adopt overseas. At least then, these families, with hearts to adopt can actually make a positive difference in the life of a child.
I have been told by a social worker that kids often aren't available for adoption until they go home and are put back in the system, she said, and I quote, "by the time we are able to get them placed for adoption they are a mess." Do you seriously NOT see the issue here? Because the system doesn't exist for a child's best interests, many of the waiting children are older and extremely troubled. They have been in and out of the system. Although there are some families that sign on to do the hard work of adopting and raising these children many more families are completely terrified of what all those abbreviations attached to a name could mean in their own life, and rightly so. The traumas effect everything and minimizing that does a disservice to the foster adoptive family and the traumatized child. I contend that if parental rights were terminated sooner, so additional trauma could be minimized AND the system got an actual process in place many more children would be successfully adopted.
Let me say again, that yes, the parents of these children were once hurting children too, and they 100% deserve the chance to rehabilitate and bring their kids home, but they Do Not deserve to have 12 - 36 months of taxpayer supported, rehabilitation. Those funds would be much better put to use supporting the NEXT generation.
One of the reasons children end up growing up in foster care and bouncing around placement to placement is because the system does not treat foster families with dignity. Foster families are not given meaningful support when the chaos comes into their home. Did you just take in a sibling group? Managing that HUGE LIFE CHANGE is completely up to you. Don't complain, or the kids will be taken. Did you need some respite from 24 /7 madness? Its up to you to find someone to take on the work. Did you see something, hear something, or experience something with a foster child that reveals more than the original abuse allegations? When you report it you need to accept that you will be treated like a liar. You will be coached how you should have handled it differently. Everyone will question your motives.
Another argument is that foster and adoptive children go back to their original families even after adoption. The reason teenagers often go back to "old" families is because the system does not terminate soon enough when children can attach and adapt at younger ages and when that kind of change is easier. I know many adopted children and they all attached with their adoptive families. Even my mother, placed at 3 years old, and abused by her new parents, attached herself more to her adoptive family. Although she met her biological family, and cared for them she never decided she would detach herself from her adoptive family and she still maintains relationships with her adoptive siblings to this day.
Some advocates of bio-family first often cite the fact that adopted children grow up wondering and questioning why they couldn't stay with their families. Although this question may haunt some adopted children this is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. One of the rights of adulthood is looking back and questioning why. Many of us, if not most of us, have a question about a big thing that happened to us. Many of us spend our adolescence and early adult years wrestling with this question. It is through these backward glances that we decide if we will follow the paths chosen by those before us or if we will forge a new way. Of all of the adopted people I know this question has not stunted their ability to live their lives. The traumas associated with past abuses have, in some cases, stunted these people, but not the question "why." My adopted friends and family members include successful business owners, college graduates, amazing stay-at-home Mom's. None of these people were broken by their adoption. Those who had some issues were mostly broken due to ABUSE.
If birth parents are serious about changing their lives there should be major progress toward this after 6 months of intervention. First they should be required to acknowledge there is a problem. Drug tests should always be taken and always passed, parenting classes should always be attended, and visits should never be missed except for serious illness. Food, clothing, and shelter should be sought with intensity. I am not saying that after 6 months every problem would be solved, but serious birth parents will work hard to reunite and not let the system do all the work for them. It should not be up to the social workers to show they have turned over every stone to help a family to reunite. If you want your kids back someone else should not be doing the hard work for you! If there has been major progress all children should go home at 6 months or sooner. If less than half of the criteria have been met rights should be terminated.
I know this may sound heartless to birthparents, but I am not at all heartless in this regard. I met my birth grandfather and he was wonderful to me. He was a good man, despite his stay in jail in his younger years. I am told my Grandmother did everything she could. She even kept copies of all of the court records, and evidences of how she complied with court orders, including the cancelled checks from the bank for payments the state required her to pay for child support. She kept all of these things so she could prove in court and to her children that she did not walk away from them. Families that work hard to stay together should NEVER be separated. That is so wrong. However, even with that sad story, my Mom is a functioning and wonderful human being.
The next generation of abusive and neglectful parents will mostly be culled from those who are abused and neglected without rescue. Adoption does not break children, abuse and neglect does. The system needs to stop spending billions of dollars trying to rescue parents that don't really want to be rescued. Our entire society would be better served if the system spent that money rescuing the children instead.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Seriously?
After visit time is notoriously difficult amongst Foster families.
I was informed it was a bad visit. Tyke came in reporting he got sat on again at visit. This is weird. I reported it a g a i n, not that I expect someone to come to his rescue. He said Bio-Mom sat on him "as hard as she could." He said visit supervisor was in the car. I am lost at this point.
All of this is probably contributing the the fact that they have been home a very short time and although we tried to go on as if all was right with the world, they just... cannot. It's not their fault really. Still its hard to be so grateful they are home and have to go straight to no nonsense Momma.
I was informed it was a bad visit. Tyke came in reporting he got sat on again at visit. This is weird. I reported it a g a i n, not that I expect someone to come to his rescue. He said Bio-Mom sat on him "as hard as she could." He said visit supervisor was in the car. I am lost at this point.
All of this is probably contributing the the fact that they have been home a very short time and although we tried to go on as if all was right with the world, they just... cannot. It's not their fault really. Still its hard to be so grateful they are home and have to go straight to no nonsense Momma.
"I will not be scared!'
Today the visit supervisor showed up to get the boys. Tyke ran to her exclaiming, "I can go to see S______, I will not be scared! I am not scared, so I can go see S________"
He has been talking about being afraid during visits. We (the therapist and I) have been reminding him the visit supervisor will keep him safe. I guess he is starting to believe that.
It is so surreal to watch a 3 year old excitedly say after nearly 8 months that they aren't going to be scared of their Mom today. Weird.
He has been talking about being afraid during visits. We (the therapist and I) have been reminding him the visit supervisor will keep him safe. I guess he is starting to believe that.
It is so surreal to watch a 3 year old excitedly say after nearly 8 months that they aren't going to be scared of their Mom today. Weird.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
3 Bad Guys
I wish they were ours. I wish there was no question about their future. Even if they cannot be ours I wish that they could NEVER face the return to the abuse they have left.
I got a visit from the advocate Friday. He told me they were planning on filing for TPR in October. I know I should be all excited, but instead I just felt nauseous and agitated. When there are no caseworker visits, no advocate visits, no bio-parent visits I can almost forget they are in limbo. I just hate being reminded that their entire future hangs in the balance.
I saw a movie today, and in it, were 3 young men, all portrayed as thugs. I felt for a moment that these characters could be my boys if they had continued to be raised in the gross abuse they had been suffering. These characters in the movie were without charity, without remorse, and without conscience.
This part is new for me. Seeing a "bad guy" on a movie and knowing that life made him that way. That someone did not love him enough and protect him enough. I know the producers are not intending that I look so deeply, but I cannot help it.
My insides are a mess right now. I want to know they are safe! I want to know they will not be tortured again! It is NOT FAIR that we still sit here and wonder if we have enough evidence. It is NOT FAIR that I have to send them on visits with their abuser.
I found out that the visit supervisor is writing about how well bio-Mom is doing at the visits because the boys' behavior is so much better. Their behavior is better, because God is transforming them. We sat in therapy and Tyke poured out his fear of visiting with Bio-Mom, while we comforted him that he was safe at visits because the visit supervisor is there. The therapist is a Christian and once she learned I was praying with Tyke and Tot and telling them that God was big and strong and he could keep them safe she started reminding them of this as well.
The therapist has been listening and helping him with this fear for a month now. Ahhhhh! I am just so tired of this whole thing. Bio-Mom should NOT get them back. Everyone involved should know what she has done so everyone involved will stop working towards their reunification. The caseworker knows, the advocate knows, the therapists know, the doctors know, and I know, but we don't tell the visit supervisor because why??? We don't bring it before the judge because why???
I am sorry, but if I could just come right out and lay it all out here I would, but I can't. So today I am just upset because I saw 3 bad guys on a movie. Whatever.
God,
Please set these boys free. I can't secure their future, but I know you can. Lord, please cause this situation to move in a way that I will no longer have to fear that Baby is the next in line to be tortured. God, you are bigger than my fears, and you are bigger than DC$ and bigger than that family. I know you allow some kids to go back, but I am begging you, please don't let these boys go back. Please... Amen.
I got a visit from the advocate Friday. He told me they were planning on filing for TPR in October. I know I should be all excited, but instead I just felt nauseous and agitated. When there are no caseworker visits, no advocate visits, no bio-parent visits I can almost forget they are in limbo. I just hate being reminded that their entire future hangs in the balance.
I saw a movie today, and in it, were 3 young men, all portrayed as thugs. I felt for a moment that these characters could be my boys if they had continued to be raised in the gross abuse they had been suffering. These characters in the movie were without charity, without remorse, and without conscience.
This part is new for me. Seeing a "bad guy" on a movie and knowing that life made him that way. That someone did not love him enough and protect him enough. I know the producers are not intending that I look so deeply, but I cannot help it.
My insides are a mess right now. I want to know they are safe! I want to know they will not be tortured again! It is NOT FAIR that we still sit here and wonder if we have enough evidence. It is NOT FAIR that I have to send them on visits with their abuser.
I found out that the visit supervisor is writing about how well bio-Mom is doing at the visits because the boys' behavior is so much better. Their behavior is better, because God is transforming them. We sat in therapy and Tyke poured out his fear of visiting with Bio-Mom, while we comforted him that he was safe at visits because the visit supervisor is there. The therapist is a Christian and once she learned I was praying with Tyke and Tot and telling them that God was big and strong and he could keep them safe she started reminding them of this as well.
The therapist has been listening and helping him with this fear for a month now. Ahhhhh! I am just so tired of this whole thing. Bio-Mom should NOT get them back. Everyone involved should know what she has done so everyone involved will stop working towards their reunification. The caseworker knows, the advocate knows, the therapists know, the doctors know, and I know, but we don't tell the visit supervisor because why??? We don't bring it before the judge because why???
I am sorry, but if I could just come right out and lay it all out here I would, but I can't. So today I am just upset because I saw 3 bad guys on a movie. Whatever.
God,
Please set these boys free. I can't secure their future, but I know you can. Lord, please cause this situation to move in a way that I will no longer have to fear that Baby is the next in line to be tortured. God, you are bigger than my fears, and you are bigger than DC$ and bigger than that family. I know you allow some kids to go back, but I am begging you, please don't let these boys go back. Please... Amen.
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