I woke up weary and was just getting started praying for strength for today when the screaming started. It has been a tantrum full day. Baby is getting into the swing of that now too. Oh, it can be so hard.
On a good note Cy and Liv are friends today. Yay! I decided on another early bedtime last night and they seem to be more regulated. Thank the Lord!
However, today's struggles had left me feeling a very unnatural tired.
I decided to take nap time to read some of the Bible. I ended up here...
Isaiah 27 - 31
Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God"?
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I am so encouraged because God sees my life. It is not hidden from Him. He sees my fatigue. He even sees my childrens' fatigue and he is strong enough for all of us and he CARES.
Eagles don't flap and flap and flap to try and stay in flight. They soar on the higher wind currents. God has a way that is easier for me to take. I don't have to fight against every wind that blows against me. When I do that I create my own fatigue. I can go higher. I can walk in His strength.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Grouchy Kids
I am really very tired of my oldest children fighting. They are so whiny today. Its a blame game constantly. I sat down to play cards with them during nap time. This is not something I do. I usually take "me" time during nap time or I get some work done. The behaviors with Cy and Liv were just a little bit grating and obnoxious nearly the entire time.
I wonder if they are over tired? I put them to bed early last night because they had a late night or 2 over the holiday weekend.. They are going down early again tonight, somehow they have to snap out of this. They are driving me nuts.
When Cy gets this way he pretends to be helpless and Liv just gets screechy and she and Chi share the same propensity to take a swing when angry.
I guess that's life with so many. Someone is always needing some Mom therapy, whether they are a first kid, a foster child, or an adoptive child. In my experience dysfunctional can spring from any angle! That's childhood.
I wonder if they are over tired? I put them to bed early last night because they had a late night or 2 over the holiday weekend.. They are going down early again tonight, somehow they have to snap out of this. They are driving me nuts.
When Cy gets this way he pretends to be helpless and Liv just gets screechy and she and Chi share the same propensity to take a swing when angry.
I guess that's life with so many. Someone is always needing some Mom therapy, whether they are a first kid, a foster child, or an adoptive child. In my experience dysfunctional can spring from any angle! That's childhood.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Precious
I just smiled as I looked at Chi munching on a snack. He looked right back and said, "I'm Precious." Glad he's picked up some self esteem along the way. Smile.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Leaving the Safe Zone
This first part is not the point of this post.
------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit. I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker! She comes when she says she is coming. She makes what seems to be common sense decisions. I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----
The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case. She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance. I can't relax until I know the boys are free. I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.
The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal. We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt. I don't want to wait!
Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$. Seriously! Every. single. time. I think "what is going to go wrong now?" I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us. Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated.
As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts. I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.
As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids. As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior. It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day. There is NO saving the day. I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves. So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all. I tried to protect us all when I could. I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone. Someone else was hurting with them.
Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare. We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life. I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart. Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.
------The caseworker stopped by yesterday for a visit. I just do not know how to handle this new caseworker! She comes when she says she is coming. She makes what seems to be common sense decisions. I keep waiting for the other foot to drop and she just keeps doing her job in a no nonsense fashion.----
The caseworker told me yesterday that the we are going to win this case. She said that she had an off the record conversation with the attorney for bio mom who said bio mom's case had no chance. I can't relax until I know the boys are free. I am slightly more relaxed, but its not over until its over.
The thing I am so sad about is that everyone says she will appeal. We will have to wait for the entire appeals process to finish until we can adopt. I don't want to wait!
Maybe its the trauma of the last 16 months, but I get palpitations everytime the phone rings and I see it is DC$. Seriously! Every. single. time. I think "what is going to go wrong now?" I have this crazy fear that my boys will be taken from us. Someone will decide they don't like us or something and then we will all be devastated.
As some of you may remember the boys were removed for a stupid reason way back in the beginning. If you are curious look around February 2012 posts. I did get them back the very next day, but not before some person I never met gave me a lecture for complaining about my caseworker, which I had NEVER done (at least at that point, hahaha!). She was clear, don't upset anyone or else.
As a foster parent I learned quickly that my job was to go through the wringer with the kids. As a foster parent I was neither safe, nor a savior. It was my job to leave the safe zone, not to save the day. There is NO saving the day. I think foster parents continue on when they have learned the dangers because they realize no child should have to navigate all that pain all by themselves. So I held my boys hands and went through it with them, that's all. I tried to protect us all when I could. I figured if I did it right then they could look up at me knowing that at least they were not alone. Someone else was hurting with them.
Now that the end of the "danger zone" is in site I want to sprint my children and myself safely the the end of the nightmare. We will do life together and it will be highs and lows, easy stuff and hard stuff, but it will be our life. I can leave behind the fear that some big, bad, boogeyman is going to force us apart. Whatever is ahead I just want to know that we will all get to face it... Together.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Waiting For A Breeze
I have felt the pull for quite some time that even with all the work and all the drama the Lord was not done building our family. I believe I have mentioned that here before. I have done nothing toward that "goal." I don't even feel right calling it that. It was just more like something out there waiting to be discovered. For a long time since the idea first nudged me I was pushing it away. There was no way I could do more. Life is far from easy already. There is no way Ryan could do more. The stretching it took for God to lead us here was pretty uncomfortable at times.
Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger. Are you willing? I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able. Of course HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.
A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again. I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me. I thought of my home. I thought "I have room for one more." How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?
I only prayed. I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW. I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching. I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan. One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk. I STILL didn't bring it up. I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation.
Then I saw his eyes get droopy. I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me. I knew exactly what would wake him up. "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?" Yep, that got his attention all right. The shocker was for me though. He was completely on board.
At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake." My jaw kind of dropped. I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago. Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids. It seems as though God has been preparing us both.
So where do we go from here? Well, I am not sure. We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now. We are very focused on completing this first adoption process. I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze. We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now. I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now, we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.
Lately, I have felt the call grow stronger. Are you willing? I have laughingly told the Lord I am willing to do whatever he asks, I am also pretty sure that I am not able. Of course HE doesn't ask us if we are able, because his strength is made perfect in our weakness.
A couple of weeks ago Ryan and I attended a foster and adoption dinner and event our church was hosting. I listened to families who had been stretched and stretched again and again. I was wondering why so many who adopt often end up doing it multiple times. There again were the faces of those who were hurting and hungry in front of me. I thought of my home. I thought "I have room for one more." How can I ignore these children when I have a bed available?
I only prayed. I need to FINISH this very big thing I am doing NOW. I can't even begin to think of the process of a second stretching. I didn't even have time to talk any of it over with Ryan. One thing about driving all night long to get to your vacation is that there is plenty of opportunity to talk. I STILL didn't bring it up. I did not want to upset Ryan before our big family vacation.
Then I saw his eyes get droopy. I watched him shake his arms to stay awake, but he hates to give up the steering wheel, even to me. I knew exactly what would wake him up. "So Honey, what do you think about having 6 kids?" Yep, that got his attention all right. The shocker was for me though. He was completely on board.
At one point he said, "We survived growing by 3, adding only 1 more will seem like a piece of cake." My jaw kind of dropped. I had said the same exact thing almost verbatim to a fellow foster/adopt mom at our church just a week ago. Throughout our vacation he referred repeatedly to parenting 6 kids. It seems as though God has been preparing us both.
So where do we go from here? Well, I am not sure. We are very focused on the integrating of our family right now. We are very focused on completing this first adoption process. I feel kind of like a sailboat sitting in the ocean and there is no breeze. We are happily drifting and focused on the here and now. I am trusting that when the time is right God will supply a breeze and we will know which direction to move. For now, we are right where God wants us and waiting for a breeze.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Vacation and Termination News
Well, here I am having a fantastic vacation with my family, not that it has all been perfect. We are in Florida and the air conditioning at the vacation house went out! Now if you are used to a warm climate that probably isn't too bad, but we like our evenings cool. Ryan and I are both fighting some kind of throat thing and the baby sitter got a little to fried yesterday.
There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi. They both triggered around the water. They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water. Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.
I am loving this. Getting away and loving on my family. That is the only thing I have to do on vacation. As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks. For me, this is perfect. I love this family God has given me.\
In other news the termination trial is over. Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling. I am told we won't hear until around the first of July. What is with all of this waiting!? The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective. She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no." She says that's a really good sign. Okay, well I can't think about that stuff. It upsets me...
Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!
There have also been a couple of triggers for Obee and Chi. They both triggered around the water. They both came to me separately and talked about being dead in the water. Strange coincidence. There was some other triggers that I can't post here, but mostly we have been able to recognize what's happening, talk about it, and move on. Obee, Chi, and all the kids seem to be having a great time overall.
I am loving this. Getting away and loving on my family. That is the only thing I have to do on vacation. As we packed up to leave the beach yesterday with Ryan in the lead and me pulling up the rear with a long line of kiddos in between I had to smile. They looked like a slightly disordered line of ducks. For me, this is perfect. I love this family God has given me.\
In other news the termination trial is over. Now we wait to hear the judge's ruling. I am told we won't hear until around the first of July. What is with all of this waiting!? The caseworker reported that the trial went well from her perspective. She told me that bio-mom asked for visits to be reinstated and the judge said, "no." She says that's a really good sign. Okay, well I can't think about that stuff. It upsets me...
Anyway we are off to do more vacation style fun!
Friday, May 10, 2013
What I Should be Doing
Right now I should be folding laundry
I should start packing for vacation,
I should be doing Liv's hair for Family Showcase tonight,
and I should be paying the bills and balancing the checkbook.
I should be doing a lot of stuff right now, but I'm not because I'm procratinating and its sort of wonderful.
I really can't afford to be lazy with so many needing so much from me, but I could literally fill an entire day doing all the things I should be doing. If I have learned anything in all this time doing foster care I have learned to steal my downtime from the list of "shoulds" and revel in it.
Just in case you'd like to know, Family Showcase is our homeschool groups end of the year gathering. Our kids create projects or perform a talent for the group "showcasing" some skill they have been working on that year.
I should start packing for vacation,
I should be doing Liv's hair for Family Showcase tonight,
and I should be paying the bills and balancing the checkbook.
I should be doing a lot of stuff right now, but I'm not because I'm procratinating and its sort of wonderful.
I really can't afford to be lazy with so many needing so much from me, but I could literally fill an entire day doing all the things I should be doing. If I have learned anything in all this time doing foster care I have learned to steal my downtime from the list of "shoulds" and revel in it.
Just in case you'd like to know, Family Showcase is our homeschool groups end of the year gathering. Our kids create projects or perform a talent for the group "showcasing" some skill they have been working on that year.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
A Sampling
For some reason I am having difficulty uploading pictures...
I had a wonderful day out with Liv just a couple of days ago. My sweet girl was a giggle-box and I laughed with her. I didn't have to worry about things getting out of control with the group dynamic. She tried to be a best friend to some local ducks and I let her because I didn't have to worry about a toddler tumbling into the water. We went to the park and she swang as high as she could just for the momentary feel of her hair flying behind her and I let her because, well... I always let her do that. :) We truly enjoyed our girl time.
In other news Chi sat with me for awhile yesterday and got emotional. He wanted to know why I left him behind the door at the visits when he was crying for me. Oh No, the visits didn't traumatize him at all... He laid his head on me and I hugged him. "That's all done now Chi, Mommy doesn't have to leave you anymore." He is my emotional boy.
Everywhere we go Obee tells everyone. "Dis my Mom. You gotta Mom? Dis my Mom." I love his ownership of me. The other day Chi was angry because I wouldn't go get him ice cream. He said, "I don't love you! I love Obee, and Cy, Cy, and Liv, and Zee, but I don't love you MOM!" I sat in the front of the van with a little smile on my face. I had to admire his creative anger.
Then Obee got mad. "CHI! Dat's my MOM. I love my Mom, and if you don't love my Mom, den I don't love you!" At that point I had to calm them both down and bring the love back. Still, my Obee loves me and if anyone else doesn't well... them's fighting words. I love that boy.
I had a wonderful day out with Liv just a couple of days ago. My sweet girl was a giggle-box and I laughed with her. I didn't have to worry about things getting out of control with the group dynamic. She tried to be a best friend to some local ducks and I let her because I didn't have to worry about a toddler tumbling into the water. We went to the park and she swang as high as she could just for the momentary feel of her hair flying behind her and I let her because, well... I always let her do that. :) We truly enjoyed our girl time.
In other news Chi sat with me for awhile yesterday and got emotional. He wanted to know why I left him behind the door at the visits when he was crying for me. Oh No, the visits didn't traumatize him at all... He laid his head on me and I hugged him. "That's all done now Chi, Mommy doesn't have to leave you anymore." He is my emotional boy.
Everywhere we go Obee tells everyone. "Dis my Mom. You gotta Mom? Dis my Mom." I love his ownership of me. The other day Chi was angry because I wouldn't go get him ice cream. He said, "I don't love you! I love Obee, and Cy, Cy, and Liv, and Zee, but I don't love you MOM!" I sat in the front of the van with a little smile on my face. I had to admire his creative anger.
Then Obee got mad. "CHI! Dat's my MOM. I love my Mom, and if you don't love my Mom, den I don't love you!" At that point I had to calm them both down and bring the love back. Still, my Obee loves me and if anyone else doesn't well... them's fighting words. I love that boy.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Therapy or Not
Cy says prayers with me every night. Well, actually I say prayers with all of them, but my oldest 2 choose to also say their own prayers. Cy says, "God, I just pray for this adoption process since we are almost done."
I hope he's right. He's been praying it every single night for months now. Really, its been ever since we were supposed to have the first termination trial date in February.
Will this thing ever get done?
And now, jump with me off subject and to wherever my crazy brain goes next.
I am feeling like Chi should just STOP all therapy. There is something about constantly asking him what makes him feel bad or sad that is just nagging on me. It seems counterproductive. It's not like we don't talk about big feelings.
Just this weekend he sat on my knee and told me he misses Mommy S and that he likes her and he does not like me. We talked for a long time, but then he was fine. I told him it was okay to love her because she was his first Mommy and I told him it was okay to love me too. On his own he brought up that sometimes she was good Mommy S and sometimes she was bad. He put his arms around me and we had a precious moment in what had started out as a rocky day.
One thing I am learning that my boys each have their own story of what happened to them. I am learning to respect their version of their story. I don't want to give them my views or their siblings. There has been a lot of healing just talking about the trauma as they bring it up and letting them narrate the events without the other brother being a part of the story.
I think the therapy has helped him a little, but that it has helped me a lot. It helped me to understand how they were processing some very big stuff. Now as we have had to miss some appointments I see that it isn't hurting him a bit. It might even be helping. I can't decide what to do.
I hope he's right. He's been praying it every single night for months now. Really, its been ever since we were supposed to have the first termination trial date in February.
Will this thing ever get done?
And now, jump with me off subject and to wherever my crazy brain goes next.
I am feeling like Chi should just STOP all therapy. There is something about constantly asking him what makes him feel bad or sad that is just nagging on me. It seems counterproductive. It's not like we don't talk about big feelings.
Just this weekend he sat on my knee and told me he misses Mommy S and that he likes her and he does not like me. We talked for a long time, but then he was fine. I told him it was okay to love her because she was his first Mommy and I told him it was okay to love me too. On his own he brought up that sometimes she was good Mommy S and sometimes she was bad. He put his arms around me and we had a precious moment in what had started out as a rocky day.
One thing I am learning that my boys each have their own story of what happened to them. I am learning to respect their version of their story. I don't want to give them my views or their siblings. There has been a lot of healing just talking about the trauma as they bring it up and letting them narrate the events without the other brother being a part of the story.
I think the therapy has helped him a little, but that it has helped me a lot. It helped me to understand how they were processing some very big stuff. Now as we have had to miss some appointments I see that it isn't hurting him a bit. It might even be helping. I can't decide what to do.
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