Noise

I don't write this too complain, but rather to chronicle where I am at in life right now.  There is always so much noise.  I crave silence.   I  inundated with sound constantly.  My children are loud.  They are loud when they are happy, mad, sad, or curious.

I can, at times, set aside the ear jarring nature of it all and enjoy my house filled with life, but I am not exaggerating, some days my ears feel like they are buzzing.  I am hiding in the bathroom right now.  It is quiet in here.  Malachi's squeals of laughter reach through the door barrier.  Apparently Thomas is a very funny train.

My own voice is regularly worn out struggling to compete with the din. My voice crashes against my already sensitive ear drums when I call for them. Someday the silence may seem stifling, but at this point  with my children the noise sometimes is stifling.

Today my sister walked inside and saw me surrounded by little people who were constantly  touching and talking loudly to me.  She paused to stare for a moment.  "Just watching you I feel like I can't breathe."  I felt better when she said it because sometimes I feel like I can't breathe and of course I blame ME and my lack of... whatever. 

I think this is the stage of life we are at right now.  It's not horrible, there are many blessings in it, but I am considering sending a few to school next year.  I would like just a little quiet.   Maybe I won't send them, but it's fun to imagine.

Disapprove if you must, but sometimes a little television turns down the volume beautifully.   Well, at least it helps me get dinner on with a semblance of peace.  :)

Sibling Conversations

Talking about adoption is open in our home.  Three of my children have a first Mom experience to fit into their understanding of life.  Two of my children do not.  Sometimes my oldest do not completely understand the best ways to encourage without dredging up emotional stuff.

Here are a few examples.  There have been times when one of my youngest has tried to begin an emotionally sad discussion about his first Mom right at the point where his brothers are having a super good time.  I have learned to stop that before it gets started because it gets his siblings in an emotional twist.  I say, "We will talk about that as much as you want.  Later." And we do talk about it.

Well, Liv doesn't exactly understand and she has that girl thing of trying to talk like she's the Mom.  So annoying...  So when the same child brought up a simple comment about his first Mom at breakfast, she spouts, " You DO NOT talk about that!"  I shut that girl down quicker than she could draw another breath to spout more nonsense.

If I recall it went something like, "He MAY talk about his first Mom and if you act like that again you will spend the morning in your room!," switch to sweet voice, "What were you saying, honey?"  I tried to rescue the moment in the middle of a hurried morning routine, but my "save" felt inadequate. Was it my fault because I have stopped discussion before?

Then there is Cy.  He is kind of a mushy ridiculous type when it is just our family.  He knows it and it is fun for the two of us since we are similar.  He says in a baby voice,  "Mommy, you are the bestest Mommy ever, I like you, you are my favorite," he adds in a cheeky aside "That's probably because you are my only Mommy but still..."  This comment is completely silly and adorable and no big deal, until I realize Obie is sitting out of my view listening to every single word.  When I filter it through his eyes, Cy's 11 year old silliness seems almost cruel.  Do I say something and make Cy feel bad?  Do I leave it be and hope Obie gets the silliness aspect?

My quick possibly inadequate fix, "Your SILLY!"  Thinking... please hear this as silly, please.

Then there is stuff with the 3 youngest, Malachi says something about  their first mom, Zee, who will argue the color of the sky right now and who does not remember S- yells, S- not my Mommy!  Mommy is MY Mommy!"  Chi yells back to correct Zee and a fight erupts.   I rush into the room to try to help them both understand.

My fix? "Chi, Zee doesn't remember S- but she was your first Mom before you came to me and now I am Mommy.  You are both right!  This I say with a big smile and an excited voice.   Hoping... praying, they will take their cue from me.

I get so scared of messing this up sometimes.  There are so many people I need to help sort it all out.  I am doing my best, but people assume my children reflect me.  I assume they do too, so when one of them hurts the other with their words I think, what else should I be doing better?

I think I am a very lucky Mom to have this amazing family.  I just want to do a good job.  You know?!

Leave it Alone

What do I do when my children deviate from chores to build a castle together? I sneak up and snap a picture of course.  Peace with so many siblings is something that should be left alone.

Expert... Hah!

I was out yesterday and I noticed another woman with a young school age daughter.   I am desperate to talk to real life grown-ups I suppose,  because I said,  "Are you a homeschool Mom?"

"First year,"  She said, sounding uncertain and surprised at the same time. 

"It gets easier,"  I replied.  We had a short conversation and I talked about beginning my homeschool experience 6 years ago (Wow! Has it been six years?!)

   "Sounds like I should to be talking to you," she said.

  "You've got this," I encouraged the nice stranger.

I realized that somewhere along the way I have gone from a newbie, nervous about everything, to a seasoned homeschool Mama.

I have also gone from being a nervous constantly self-doubting foster and adoptive Mama, to more of a seasoned, do the best you can today type of Mom.

I used to think Mom's like me were experts, but me an expert?!  Hah!  Maybe the only big difference is getting to the place where I believe there truly are no experts, so "they" don't know better than I do and I may not know better than them, but maybe we can learn from each other.   Maybe.

One of the best parenting advice books out there has helped me tremendously and it can help you too!  Are you ready for it?!  "Oh The Places You'll Go," by the always helpful Dr. Seuss.  "Will you succeed? Yes you will indeed!  98 and 3/4% guaranteed!  Kid, you'll move mountains."

As a final note to those questioning my grammer and editing skills  I know titles are supposed to be underlined, but I am using my phone to blog and I can't figure it out! And... if I leave this quiet place people will... well, they will want stuff!  Whew,  self justification complete.  I feel better.

Pancake Therapy

It seems Obie was not done working out his feelings.  We began another day of attention getting antics and crocodile tears.  I was getting F R U S T R A T E D.

I hate it when a beautiful talk sometimes stirs things up for awhile. 

He got in trouble for impulse control issues that led to someone else being hurt at a local gym. He was so upset with me for making him sit out for the last 20 minutes he pulled out the stops verbally to make sure he had my attention. 

Afterwards, I dropped the kids off with a babysitter and drove around my country mile a couple times.  I was becoming reactive and I needed to step away. 

At some point I just knew that all he needed was to be certain of our connection.  I stopped back at the house and picked him up.  We talked and talked and talked because he is quite a talker.  I picked up on some things that were making him have anxiety and he asked if I had a headache, "cause sometimes you get one when your stressed and then I get you a glass of water."  It's no lie he really will show up with a cup of water.  My funny, smart, outrageous kid, he knew I was stressed out earlier.

  We ate pancakes and discussed how Mommy can get stressed out and how he can get stressed out.  We talked about what family means and he was tracking with me all the way.  "Family means like when I get mad at Cyrus because he won't let me in his room, but I still want to keep him?"  We expounded on that beautiful point.

Since our afternoon rescue of pancakes and quality time Obie has had a great day and he seems to be self-regulating again.  Thank you Jesus!

Daddy's Shadow

Zee and Ryan are very close.  Sometimes Zee will pause whatever he is doing just to say, out of the blue, "Hi Dad!"

Ryan chuckles and replies back in a matter-of-fact voice, "Hi Zee."

Where Daddy goes, Zee goes.  Daddy likes tractors so Zee likes tractors, Daddy is fixing things so Zee is "fitsin somepin."

Even in the coldest weather Zee wants to be at Ryan's side.  He begged and pleaded to go on a tractor ride in some very cold weather and because Daddy is a sucker for Zee they bundled up for short tractor ride.

They crack me up.

His Subconscious Remembers

Sometimes my Obie has confusing  dreams.  As he describes them to me I realize he is having flashback dreams.  His conscious mind seems to have forgotten the worst things, but they linger in his dreams.  These disturbing flashes of his old life create what he describes as a kind of macabre portrait amidst dreams of battle scenes as if he is caught in an action movie/nightmare.

I am so glad he talks to me and doesn't suffer these things quietly.  When confusion reigns I retell his story because the nightly terrors are stopped when he can verbalize why they are there in the first place.  Something in my core knows I cannot keep secrets from him about himself.  His own subconscious would betray the lie and he would be distrustful of what he and I share.

As I retold parts of it his eyes flashed in shock at my omnipotence.   How did I know even what he wasn't saying?!  He is so precious to me and as much as I hate that we can't just leave the past behind, this retelling and reaffirming has only brought us closer. 

Again we ended our talk by praying for his first Mom.  This was my precious son's idea.  We talked for awhile.  He said he still loved her and I said that's a good thing.

There is no script for these conversations that I cannot fail to have, but I am so scared of failing.  I hope ultimately my words will convey that I am okay with the blurred lines and conflicted loyalties and bad dreams.  I hope over a lifetime of conversations we will get it right together.

When He Makes Them Laugh.

You know  that moment in the day when you finally sit down and only then discover how truly tired you are?  That is me at suppertime.  Then my amazing husband makes our children laugh.  It's like a cool drink of clear water for my weary soul.  So often he presses the start button on my favorite parts of family life just by making family fun. 

I had to snap a picture of our family table.  One day I'm going to miss this.

Heavenly Peace

The holidays are upon us and life here is good.  I am amazed at how I am actually able to disconnect when the need arises and all of my family keeps on track.  I am getting time once again for little pet projects.  We are dreaming of a kitchen remodel.

This may not seem extraordinary to some, but 1 year ago I could not have imagined that life would begin to feel so... normal!  Before there was some laughter and some joy amid dark and scary times.  Now the laughter and joy have returned to a place of being an integral part of our family identity.

How long did it take to get here?  For me it took 2 and a half years to reach this place.  This family fought hard to get here and it was more than worth it. Can I just say, I love us?!

My babe's have their struggles.  I have one who may even be slightly autistic, but he is who he is, and he is at peace now more than ever before.  Proverbs 22:6 says,  "Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it."  I have finally come to a place where I believe this to be true for ALL children, trauma babies, and special needs kids, rowdy children, and shy ones.  I do my part to teach, train, and correct, and I trust God to do the healing.  I trust God's promise for their "ever - afters."  The trade off? The more I decide to let go and trust the more peace I get.

Maybe someone is reading this and you are scared because it all feels dark and hard and ugly right now.  The good parts seem fake and only the darkness seems real.  Can I just encourage you?  Hang on my sister!  Hang on my brother!  Just hang on and believe that God is who he says he is and he has good plans for you and ALL of your family.  Redemption is and was, ugly and bloody and painful, but there is so much beauty to come.  Don't lose hope. Don't try to cut and run.  I know how you feel.   I know you feel you are being swallowed up and forever extinguished, but when you emerge from this fire it will be better than it ever was.  You will be better than you ever were.  There is so much joy ahead of you.    I am praying for you!  

May you and your family have peace and joy this Holiday season!

No blogging

No blogging today Zee is 3.  He NEEDS everything... now.

No blogging today, Chi is waiting for me to turn my back... just once.

No blogging today, Obie is doing backflips in the living room... again.

No blogging today, Liv needs some special time with Mom because she's lost in a sea of boys.

No blogging today, Cy is relearning long division  and has forgotten... everything.

No blogging today, 9 kids need their teacher.

No blogging today there's home to be kept.

No blogging today, there's life in the way.

Bringing Your Drama

   One of my insecurities in moving was that my family is full of drama.  At least, I feel like there is a lot of drama.  I asked myself, "Who would want us around once they figure out all of our crazy?"  It is one thing to live somewhere where people are already invested in you and your family.  Our friends and church in our former community watched our family change, and they rooted for our family to succeed. 

Moving is all about joining and joining something new tempted me to try and hide the crazy.  I just wanted people to like us!  Joining things is hard enough for a family of 7, but it is especially hard for Chi.

Before we moved we actually stopped going to church because every Sunday was so difficult for Chi.  We either kept him with us and got nothing from the service or we dropped him off and got to deal with the repercussions of his insecurities for the rest of the day.  Too often, the poor Children's Church workers would be quickly overwhelmed by his escalations

   One of the many new things you get to join when you move is a church.  We visited so many where we were invited to drop our children off in the children's area.  Sometimes none of them went, but we never sent Chi on the first visit.  It was enough for him to take in his new surroundings without strangers actually trying to touch him.

As far as joining goes, we have been attending the same church for nearly 2 months now. We were feeling like maybe we have found a home.  The children's program has also worked very well for our family.  Ryan and I joked that we were having "date" Sundays because for the first time it was usually just the 2 of us enjoying the service together.  How nice it is not to have a child beside you who will suddenly react loudly to the slightest stimuli just as you are beginning to be drawn into the message or music.

Everything we join, like this church, we have had to prepare them for Chi.  I sometimes struggle between wanting to give him a chance to walk in and just be another kid and being fair to everyone else so they can understand his behavior and can better meet his needs.

At our current church, I decided to try and let Chi go more of the "normal" route at first. I didn't want to be identified by the crazy. I gave a very light warning about him having some sensory issues.  That was a mistake. 

I had heard about some issues, but they were pretty minor.  Then came his third visit where he spun in circles, climbed on the tables, screamed at the leaders, and took swings at people who tried to touch him.  The teachers called in more strangers to calm him down.  Never did they call his family.  That was upsetting.   One of the helpers said, "I hate to say it, but he was just bad."

It was time for a meeting with the head children's pastor who had just returned from sabbatical.   As we sat down to talk she pulled up our family and there beside the boys, names were notes of concern. That sounded like an indictment.  As she read it off I felt stupid and a little irritated.  Not one volunteer work had added anything about Sensory issues, but they had a list of reactive behaviors and concerns about our parenting.

I sat with that pastor and I spilled their story.  I cried as I truly walked back through all they had suffered. I still felt bad sharing, but I realized some people have to know.

We had taught Chi to say out loud what was bothering him instead of just reacting so when he pulled in and said, "I'm afraid of you." That concerned people who didn't know better, whereas Ryan and I would have been proud of him for using his words instead of getting aggressive. The pastor had to understand Chi has a very legitimate reason he is afraid of random people touching him.  Add to his history  his sensory processing disorder and a room full of unexpected sounds and touches and it is amazing he is doing so well.

Obie, and Zee can walk into most anyplace now and function without much if any issue.  Chi cannot do that yet, but he is getting so close and I made the mistake of treating him like the others.  He is not and I am not doing him any favors by pretending otherwise.

By the end of our meeting another children's church leader had joined us and we had hashed out a plan of care for Chi that would address his special needs. One asked if she could hug me and the other asked if we could pray.  The way it all happened was unfortunate,  but in the end it has drawn us closer to the church. 

Yesterday we joined a large homeschool program.  Children are separated by age.  The place was loud and chaotic and dull of unexpected stimuli.  I walked Chi in I pointed out how the lights were different because they were so big.  "Look at those big lights Chi!"  I pointed out how it smelled different because of the rubber floor, "Feel the floor with me Chi!"  I pointed out how it was so noisy because of all the people, "There sure are  lot of NICE people Chi!"  Chi calmed as we walked through this little process.  Good thing Deb was there to support me with the other 8 kids. 

I wasted no time and found the head of the program and pulled her aside for a chat about Chi's overload issues.  She was great and all on her own she went right to Chi's area and rearranged the setting instantly to give Chi less to process at one time.  It was a great experience for all of us.  I guess I am learning how to be a joiner of things and how to do it the right way, one mistake at a time.

Bigger

I am short.  I have to stand up very tall to measure my full 5 feet tall.  I knew Cy and Liv were going to pass me eventually.  They aren't going to be super tall if the current trends continue, but they will pass me. 

My 2 youngest are growing like weeds.  They are going to pass me a lot sooner.  I can hardly keep Chi in shoes that fit and Zee wears 2 sizes larger than Cy did at that age.  Cy's hand was never so huge next to my small hand at 2 years old.

How big will they get?  It's one of many little parenting mysteries that is magnified by the adoption experience.   There are only 2 family members I have seen to help us make a guess.

I love my boys, and I want them to grow as tall and mighty as God wills, I just hope I can cradle them for a little while longer. 

Our Schedule

We have a unique schedule working with both families to get everyone's needs met.

A daily schedule often looks like this...

• Get everyone dressed
• Milk the goat
• Big Kids feed the dogs, the cats, the goats, the chickens, and the chicks.
• Have the Littles do their chores.
• Get breakfast.
• Clean up breakfast
• 20 minutes of silent reading for pre-k to 8th grade (The Littles love to look at books!)
• 10 minutes of journal writing
• push-ups, sit-ups, and stretching exercises for everyone (A little exercise makes everyone's brains work better.)
• History, Science, or Oral Reports (This varies based on the day.  We are using Magic School Bus episodes and America the Story of Us DVD's.  The 4 oldest answer worksheets based on their viewing, so they are forced to pay attention and I tailor-make worksheets for my 2nd and 3rd grader. The Littles just enjoy watching some television  and Obie takes in the most basic things like, we had a war with Britain once, germs make us sick, etc. 
• Math
• Spelling 
• Language Arts (This includes parts of speech, writing skills, and Vocabulary work)
• Reading Comprehension

From 8am to 2pm Deb helps get all of these things done as she is able.  She creates hands-on fun and therapeutic activities for the 2 - 3 youngest.  She works on clean-up and (her kids have to carry laundry over here everyday, as she does not have a washer and dryer yet) she starts laundry for both houses and preps lunch. 

After this comes lunch time, lunch time clean-up and nap time for the littles. Deb's kids also head home to finish their household chores at this time.  Once nap-time starts we typically do the other work that needs done around here.  Things like mowing, cleaning up the yard, cleaning the garage, working in the garden, canning and putting away the mountains of laundry, prepping supper, and school prep-work for the following day.

Every week we also attend a local college's homeschool courses for Music and Phys. Ed AND we work with piano and gymnastics twice a week.  Whew!  I am tired just writing it all!

Deb has been amazing in helping me to have that little extra time to pull the Littles to me for love and attention in our busy lives.  She is also fantastic at heading off trauma triggers and like me, she is more accurate than a meteorologist at spotting a storm brewing amongst the kids.  When she gets a job I just pray I can make it without her constant presence.  Even after she finds a different job she plans to help with a few things, which is just fine by me.

My Crew

The gorgeous children you see in this photo are all the children I care for now.  We have my five, Cyrus, 10, Olivia, 8, Obadiah, 5, Malachi, 4, and Zebedee, 2.  Added to that number are my sister Deb's children Dante, 14, Alana, 12 Nadia, 11, and Jasmyn, 8.

Yes, I got her permission to blog about her family first.  :)

Remember we found this house with the large guest home?  I moved my sister in.  Her life had gone from bad to "how does she get up everyday!?" In a span of about 3 years.   My husband and I felt called to share our blessing with her.  We decided to hire her to help us so we could in turn help her.  This whole process began last March. 

I could have done an entirely different blog on that adjustment!  It was hard for her and it was hard for us to blend two chaotic families. In some ways we both felt like foster parents stretching our "normal" to accomodate the needs of many more people. 

God has been so present in all of it and he has brought our families more peace together than we could ever have had alone, but, I am not going to lie, there were some rough moments.

I am the teacher of 7 now.  THAT was an adjustment!  Our life is pretty cool and loud and sometimes hard, but I am so grateful to be sharing it with my sister and her children. 

But... Our newest reality is that I can't really afford to pay for help.  It has begun to be too much of a strain our finances.  My sister is looking for work and I am looking at stepping up more for this crew that I love so much.  I know God put us together and I know we will all continue together somehow. 

God just keeps growing my family and I am honored to have more to love.

Dust in the Sunlight

   One thing I see so clearly now is how everything... From the best of moments to the worst of them, it is all temporary.  I look back at the times of anguish and agony as I waited for the final call on our boys and what their fates and ours would be.  I remember every begging tear and every long-suffering sigh as I deferred my hope and my heart was sick with it.

   Oh how I longed to let go at times.  In my own way I begged, "Take this cup from me."  I usually failed to subdue my will to the greater good.  Everything was magnified in the painful hours of being awake.  I dreaded, I hated, I pled, I scrambled for footing, I walked in chains.   I wanted to be changed, but I did not want the changing process.  I wanted to be victorious, but I did not want the fight for victory.

   I look back to the behaviors, that I knew I could not bear another day.  Yet, each morning came and each day I faced the same impossibility and I am here looking back at a time that seems almost surreal in my mind's eye.  Did that really happen?

   The same can be said for the beautiful moments.  I could not hang on.  All that remains are mere threads of once rich and full experiences.  Sweet smiles, and tender moments, little victories, and moments that captured family and joy and love.  They are all behind me.  I cannot hold Cy's eyes as he stares up at me in newborn peace, I cannot smooth Olivia's round cheeks and springy curls.   Obie doesn't curl in my arms to be calmed before his naps, Chi doesn't stop just to stare into my eyes and pat my face softly, Zee no longer coos and grins.  That is all memory.  Every moment moved away as swiftly as it came.

   As my family grows we face new challenges, but I am different in the twists and turns.  I realize today's challenge is for today.  I parent to rebuild, restore and reconnect today.  I try to remember not to worry about what 10 years from now looks like.  I had no idea what today would look like 2 years ago.  I keep perspective, I fight to keep it and I am not swallowed up.  Today's joys also belong to today.  Joy in recall is never as sweet as joy experienced fully in the moment.  I can't bring back the moments, but I can live in any gifts God brings for today.

   As a Mom I am trying to capture a single moment to release it again to the God who ordained all of this.  It is like dust in the shafts of light beaming through the front window.  I cannot hang on, but I can pause in a moment and be held by the light too. 

Beware the Know-It-Alls

I see posts all the time from so-called experts in adoption psychology and the holier-than-thou attitude they convey really sets my teeth on edge.  I have talked to too many Mommas who are at their wits end looking for answers to help their grieving and angry children.  They have discovered countless short-term solutions from these "experts."   If there is a stone they have overturned it looking for a way that truly makes a difference in the long-term. 

These Mommas are not uneducated about the grief and trauma their children have endured, they are super educated,  Maybe even over-educated because there are all of these books and blogs detailing how to deal with your adopted child and instead of helping to create a mother who knows SHE knows her child best, they create anxious and nervous Moms who question every single thing they do with their children.

The books and blogs tell us we don't know what we are doing, but wait!  Haven't there always been children experiencing trauma and haven't their always been people stepping into that trauma to try and help?  Should a child be allowed to stay hungry, without family, and without home just to prevent a parent misunderstanding a moment of grief as something else?

Why at this point in history have we decided that these children, who thus far have proven to be survivors, are now so fragile and breakable that we cannot even parent them for fear of doing it wrong? 

JUST STOP IT!

You are driving people away from these children instead of toward them.  You practically feel like you need a degree in psychology to parent an adopted child these days.

Guess what nervous Momma? YOU are or will be, a gift to your children.  It doesn't matter if you get mad sometimes when you should be understanding.   You love your child or maybe at this point you very much WANT to love your child or you wouldn't be adopting.  You are well on your way.

There is going to be hard stuff and there is going to be good stuff.  Keep praying and listen to that still small voice inside you.  Please stay away from the know-it-alls!  They drown out that voice. 
Proverbs 14:12 says,
"There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death."

You want to adopt?   You want to parent for that matter?  Just get your knees ready.  You won't have all the answers and there is no great society of know-it-alls with all the answers either.  You will need divine wisdom and a lot of grace for them AND for yourself.

You see?!

These faces illustrate perfectly why bedtime can be a wild affair in this house!

You WILL walk

I like those stories about people who defy the odds.   I like when the underdog wins.  I like it when someone says I can't because that means I will go out of my way to prove I can.

When we began this journey toward parenthood we defied the odds.  My barren womb carried 2 children, my once empty arms have now been mother to 5.

We were told we should reconsider adopting.  We were told we should reconsider adopting outside our race.  We were told we should reconsider adopting more than 1.  We continued forward in spite of those who said we could not or should not.

Early on the caseworkers, the therapists, family, and even friends have told me not to expect too much from "trauma babies."  We were told, in essence, to set the bar low. We were given lots of information to parent "damaged" kids.

I personally have read about brain damage, parenting techniques, and my children's individual diagnosis. I have spoken ad nauseum with experts.  I have used their ideas from time to time.   I like to be informed.   Smile.

Here is the real scoop on me.  I identify with the Mama who is told her child will never walk and then goes about proving the doctors wrong.   I know the disgust she carries inside at these people whose only goal seems to be helping her best accomodate the diagnosis.   The intense and burning desire to prove them ALL wrong because her baby deserves someone to at least believe they have a shot.  They deserve someone
Who will look them square in the face without pity and say, "You WILL walk."

This is the Mama that I am to all 5 of my children.  They are all amazing, they are all capable, they are all overcomers.  The spirit is available to each and every one of them, enabling them to walk in victory, not defeat.  It is that spirit which will cause them to be more than conquerors.

My job is not damage control.  My job is to coax, pull, push, prod, and demand until my children believe they can do more than crawl because their MAMA says they can!  My children are proud of themselves and they should be,  because I get on them like white on rice when they mess up and I help them be proud of themselves with every hurdle they triumph over.  It is exhausting, emotionally messy, amazing work that I am seeing fruit from it all over the place.  I know my children are capable, intelligent, and mighty, but my job is not done until they know it too.

All this time I have felt pulled to do things someone else's way.  No more.  This is MY way and I embrace it.   I am constantly told by people that my children should not be doing as well as they are.   I smile, but inside I know who my babies are and these people, these doubters,  these naysayers... they ain't seen nothing yet.

Moved

We are moved and settling in to our new home.  I have been dealing with a lot of junk coming from Chi.  I knew there would be regression, but this has been difficult.  On the positive side of things, these difficulties drive me to my knees.  God has been hearing from me a lot lately.

In very exciting news the appellate court upheld the lower court's ruling concerning termination of parental rights.  I squealed with joy when I saw the decision.  Knowing they will never go back, continues to relieve my spirit.  We just wait for the lawyers to finish things up and we can move onward to adoption.   I am so ready for that next step.

We already had the caseworker do a visit in our new home.  I don't know why, but I feel so encroached upon.  Our caseworker is so kind.  She is really nothing but nice to us, but she is a reminder that the boys belong to someone else.  She is a reminder that everything is uncertain until the adoption decree is signed.  I almost start to feel like this is a done deal and a sure thing and then... its time for more dc$ stuff.

This next part is hard for me to write.  I feel like I have to justify it somehow...  We are hiring my sister on as a nanny to live in the guesthouse behind this house.  It helps her situation out and it helps us as well.  We may have hired someone even if it couldn't be her.  I know I am at a distressing point of burnout.  The move has not helped.  Ryan and I always have to be available for Chi and Obie.  We always have to be "on."  They do not handle shifting caregivers well.  Obie can go from mature and helpful and sweet to manipulative and destructive as soon as he is left with caregivers besides us. Chi always struggles accepting change, but he goes straight back to constant screaming at any and all stimuli as soon as his little world gets rocked by any change. 

My sister is used to working with other little boys from similar trauma pasts with similar ways of functioning.  She came to help as we were moving in and Obie tried his usual tricks on her.  She was ready.  Obie told her as we were outside, "I don't like you!  You are mean like my Mom!"  I had to laugh when I found out about that.  My Obie-man is used to being able to work his caregivers.  When I asked him about it, he said he liked Aunty, but she didn't give him enough cookies.  Too funny. Could I hang on without help? Yes, but God has worked things out so I don't have to go this alone and I am so grateful.

There is a deep loneliness that comes from moving AGAIN (This is move number 10).   I look out the windows of my home and I feel isolated.  I feel the chore of having to reconnect again.  I am getting too old for this.  Yesterday as Chi reached a frenzied level of over-stimulation and proceeded to lose his mind in the Target checkout line, I realized that every new relationship will have to be a relationship that wants to deal with our large and unique family dynamic.  That's quite an investment.  I know God is good.  I know he will send me relationships, but I am so glad to know my sister is coming and I will not be alone.

Tractor Time

"Mom! I don't want a nap!" Says Chi, completely out of the blue.   They are NOT tired.  They just really need to push their tractors around by laying down.  When I asked why they were both laying down,  Chi says, "Cause that's how the tractors gotta play with the pine cone!"   Of course, makes perfect sense. ..