I know that much. I picked up my Chi and we danced around the kitchen. Out of nowhere the tears came. I love him soooo much. I love them all and I am so grateful to God that they are in my life. I can't believe these precious gifts are in my home. I am so unworthy and yet I feel God's amazing blessing in all of this. For just a moment I was overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for Chi.
Chi is Tot if you recall. He is so stubborn. He wants to fight. He wants to break or be broken and he can be so very difficult. Still, my love for him is fierce. I want to hang on to him forever and protect him from every harm. He and I will need care and prayer as his personality, thus far, scares the living daylights out of me, but he is my baby.
I love him as much as I love my first kids! I am past the "fake it till you make it" stage. I made it and I am so grateful to God for that.
It can be scary when you have "first" kids and you know you won't ever love this new difficult child as much as you love your first children. I want to encourage you to give that to God over and over and over again. This has all been a process and one of the few things I have done right is to trust the process. I have trusted that God was bringing us, or rather me, to this love-filled place and yesterday I woke up and I was there.
Life goes on right? Chi proceeded to act defiant and angry for most of the rest of the day. He looked up at me with a question in his eyes when I touched his cheek softly. "You being soft Mom? You wike me Mom?"
"Yes, baby I like you."
Then later when he balled his fist and screamed in rage at me, "I wanna fight!!! I mad! You bad Mom! ... .... You mad Mom? You not mad Mom? You wike Me?"
Chi is still in his journey of trusting me. Chi is still looking for a fight. Chi is still learning to let me be his Mommy. Chi is still waiting for pain, but I am trusting the process for him too.
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