Parenting the Personalities

I have so many personalities in my home.  I often make the mistake of finding something that works with one personality and attempting to copy paste that same method across the spectrum only to end up sending my home into a cauldron of chaos.

I did it just recently.  I noticed that Chi would settle down instantly when I used as few words as possible.  When there is drama he prefers to use his eyes to understand the situation.  I was using far too many words with him and he was freaking out.  I had an "aha" moment.  I had been trying to get him to talk when he was upset or had broken a rule, like I would do with Cy.  Now when Chi has a big violation (think causing pain violations).  I just point at the time out chair.  We don't talk.  He is doing wonderfully and the incidences of freaking out and big violations have gone down dramatically.

Now, onto my mistake.  I over applied this technique to Obee.  He does a big violation and I point at the chair.  Except, Obee uses conversation to understand things.  When I won't talk he doesn't feel understood.  He started wailing as he went to the time out chair.  He hasn't done that in forever.  He started wailing when I finally had to send him to his room to calm down.  He took forever to calm down.

I realize that Obee and Cy are my talkers.  They make sense of their own behaviors and the behaviors of others through talk.  Sometimes that is self-talk and sometimes that is talking between themselves and an adult.  It is not unusual for me to see either child talking to themselves about something emotional.

Liv and Chi never do that. Liv will sit with an angry face and not say a word, or storm off to her room (not that I allow that often).  When Chi is angry he will destroy something while pretending to be a villian, but neither child is given to actual talking about their frustrations.

 Both of them are distrubed by seeing too overt demonstrations of feelings in others.  I am a crier.  I remember the night I talked with Liv about how much I love her.  She looked distressed and said, "Mommy don't cry."  I was touched thinking how much she didn't want me sad. Then she added, "I hate looking at it."  Ouch. Demonstrations of "big feelings" turn Liv off and freak Chi out. 

We will see what Zee will be.  He can't communicate much yet.

My point is that I have to remember to find what works for each kid and tailor my response. 
So a note to myself...

Cy and Obee make sense of their world through language.

Liv and Chi make sense of their world through action.

Zee just wants a cookie, I can tell him I am going to give him the cookie while I am getting it, or I can just hand it to him.  Just either way, give him the cookie.  One for each hand if possible.