No, really, I kind of hate writing about the same thing again. This is what is on my mind right now and I will probably process it several times. Sorry. Skip if you like.
Ryan is out of town. Liv HAD to cheer at a basketball game tonight. Stupid "keep your commitments" motto we push around here... As a result I HAD to load up all 5 kiddos by myself and head to a dreaded "public place". I was really worried about handling them all.
Luckily, it was with our homeschool group. Cy went and sat with some buds. A lovely highschool girl scooped Baby up. Tyke got to be the Cookie Monster for the cheerleaders (He has a costume and everything and its stinkin' adorable and he loves it). So Tyke sat with the cheerleaders and was a very good boy.
Tot smiled at me and sat happily on my lap. I was thinking this particular game was going to be a piece of cake. The game began and I started to watch the game and not him... He moaned... He gave a louder moan... Next he was twisting and moaning... and then kicking and twisting and moaning... Moaning then becomes a soft fake sounding cry. "Mooooom ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Moooooooom Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
I look at him. "What do you need Tot?"
"I need ya help! I need YA HELP!"
"What do you need Tot?"
"Ehhhhhhhhhhh, Momma, Uhhhhhhhhhhh Mooooooooooom, HELP!" This is the part where its my job to give him an idea of what he needs help with. I am allowed to pick anything. He will say that is exactly what he needs. If I said, "Do you need a labotomy Tot?" He would say yes. It doesn't matter what I actually say. It matters that I talk to him. Finally, I got him calmed down. Then silly me, I start watching Liv and Tyke and the cycle starts all over. I had snacks for him and he got lots of snuggling and lap time, but he wasn't okay and he did NOT like the 12 year old girl sitting beside us touching him in any way.
I noticed something else. He laughs. Its a very hard, eyes wide open, fake laugh. It says, 'look at me I am being silly!' Tonight I felt his chest as he pretended to laugh at a girl who was making silly faces. His heart was pounding, his eyes were dilated, and (at that point he was standing) he was taking a step away from her every time she moved toward him. He was terrified and he was laughing... sort of, and he was acting like he wanted her to do it again. The lights, and sounds, and unexpected touches were sending him in a downward spiral.
The same thing happens in a crowded hallway at church. The same thing happens in my rowdy living room. The same thing happens when the play therapist tries to touch him and when we enter a new place or setting. Tot builds from a mild nervousness to a full blown freak out. What do I do? People are going to touch him. We are going to go to unfamiliar places. I am going to give my attention to others.
I just love that boy so much. I want to give him what he needs. What if I can't?
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