Maybe it is because I have gone to a deeper level in loving these boys. Maybe it is because I have gotten used to the boys casually mentioning the things that have happened to them before their life here. Whatever it was I was unprepared for Tot's story for tonight.
Tonight as I tucked Tot in he told me in a sleepy voice of one of the particular horrors of his life before coming here. I was hit with fresh shock, and fresh horror. It was like hearing it for the first time. This baby, this precious, precious, child of mine should not even be able to remember, but he does.
I held it together and kissed his sweet little nose in our silly way. " Goodnight buddy. I love you." "Guh-Night Mom!"
I pulled the door close and I cried my eyes out. Please, God, please, please, please God. Please stop these visits. Please set them free.
I remembered again that all of this isn't for me. It's not about me. I am not sorry, that I want these visits STOPPED! I am not sorry that I never want her to see them again. I AM NOT SORRY!
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