Life with my Sibling Group

I was talking to my girlfriend yesterday, the one who just brought home 3 more children from the Congo, and we agreed that taking on 3 at once has some unique challenges.  We are both nurturing personalities by nature, but we are stymied as to how to do that the way we used to.  Every move we make to give someone that special attention or special treat ends up as a war for attention.  In a way it is a blessing for both of us to be on similar paths right now, it makes me feel normal at least in comparison with her.

Here are some examples of the unique dynamics of bringing on 3 more children....

I used to hand out a treat with a smile and a wink and a conspiratorial whisper.  "Momma loves you baby.  Here's a little treat."  My kids loved to think they were stealing a goody with me.  I can't do that anymore.


When I hand out a sucker I have to hand it out to everyone.  I have to say in a bossy no-nonsense voice, "I am giving you a sucker because I love you and I want to give you a treat, but you WILL NOT throw a fit for more, you WILL say thank you,  and you WILL NOT snatch someone else's treat.  Do you understand?"  When everyone shows me they understand I pass out suckers.  If I smile too much and get too soft-toned there is ALWAYS screaming, yanking, and hitting for more.  Even Baby screams now when he sees others get food, so even he is not easy in this regard.  I am learning I can be a blessing, but I have to put the boundaries out FIRST.

I taught Cy and Liv on the go.  When we went to the store I talked to them about store behavior and rules, and we visited together during shopping as much as we actually shopped.  I did have to correct their unacceptable behavior many times, but I would stop what I was doing and correct them and move on.

Now, I think safety first.  There is no way I can teach on the go with 5 kids in tow.  I do the bossy no-nonsense speech as we arrive.  "We are going in to the store, You boys WILL stay in the cart, and Cy and Liv you WILL stay close.  You WILL NOT scream or ask for anything or you will not get a snack when we are done.  I have to maintain that tone the entire time I am shopping or once again chaos begins.  Toddlers are spilling out of the cart and moving in opposite directions while Cy and Liv are begging for everything they see and telling me how we don't do anything special anymore (By special they mean I haven't bought them anything just because for awhile), Baby babbles and grabs like always, and I am trying to figure out which runner to save first and if Cy is paying attention enough and trustworthy enough to stay with Baby as I chase down toddlers.

When I would sit down to read or write Cy or Liv would crawl up beside me and look at their own book or talk to me about what I was doing.  I would love the spontaneous cuddle and soak up the affection.  It would delay balancing the checkbook somewhat, but it was still doable.

If I sit to read or write or balance a checkbook (hahaha, like I can balance a checkbook with them awake), I use my  bossy voice to say things like,  "NO you may not sit here.  I am busy.  This is not your holding time.  I will hold you soon.  DO NOT throw a fit I will hold you when I am done."  If I allow them to sit with me, as I did yesterday.  A fight for the preferred side of my body starts (Why one side is not equal to the other I will never know).  They snatch my pencils, papers, computer, etc.  They swing at each other and scream and whine over top of me.

I even have to be nonchalant about Boo Boos or suddenly EVERYONE has a Boo Boo and I am not giving them enough attention to make it "all better."

So when do I love on them?  A few times a day, I scoop them up for loving.  I try to grab one when the others are focused on something else.  I try to get in some kisses and snuggles before I am caught by the others and acting out for my attention begins.  I always get in snuggles, and kisses, and prayers, with every child at bedtimes.  Which, incidentally, is my favorite time of day. 

This life of a no-nonsense Momma, is not what I imagined when I began this venture.  I am in still in there somewhere; the spontaneous, silly, mushy Mom, but I feel like I get to be her less and less.  These boys need me to have clear boundaries, and clear expectations.  We can't feel our way through things together.  They need me to have a plan.  Maybe this will change as time passes and maybe it will not.  I am learning, that love doesn't just look like mushy stuff, it doesn't necessarily look like the way I loved Cy and Liv.  Love is giving my children what they need to help them function at their best. This is me I'm talking about so,  I'll fit the mushy stuff in there somewhere.