Liv and Tyke have a difficult relationship right now. They are growing together, but that has been a slow build. My Liv is one who remembers a hurt. I am working with her, but she is quicker to mistreat Tyke than any of the others. When he first came she was so excited about the babies. She sounded like a little Mommy to all of them, but unexpectedly (for her) Tyke lashed out and hurt her physically many times in the first couple of months. She got bit hard several times, she watched favorite toys be broken in anger, she experienced countless "hit and runs," not only with hands, but with hard objects. Tyke would jump on her back as she lay on the floor and he would often pull her long hair. These things are mostly memories now, but she doesn't trust him and jumps on everything he does that even seems questionable because she is just sure he is up to no good.
I am worried about my girl and I discussed the relationship with the therapist today. The therapist reminded me that no only did she get hurt when she opened her heart and home, but she was the baby, and she lost her place x 3. I have worked hard to keep the special mommy daughter thing going but she still is struggling. I am sure some of it is age appropriate. She still prays nightly (without me telling her to) that the boys will stay forever. I know she loves them, but teaching forgiveness is a hard concept. It is one thing to say you forgive, but it is quite another to trust again.
Liv never handed out her trust easily. We used to laugh at the differences between her and Cy. Cy never met a stranger and everyone he met was assumed to be wonderful by him. He would smile for anyone who made up to him. If Cy got hurt he seemed momentarily confused and shrugged it off. Liv was a beautiful baby girl and so many tried to engage the pretty baby in check out lines or at church. As soon as someone spoke to her she would give them a dirty look. No, she did not look afraid or start crying, she had a chubby baby stare down going on and she gave anyone who presumed she would speak to them or allow them to touch her an angry scowl. If she ever got hurt, even if she hurt herself she would react in angry tears an lash out at whoever was closest. I remember one time as a toddler I heard her screaming in anger. I knew she'd been hurt and I rushed to her. She was sobbing and she pointed accusingly at a nearby wall and said angrily, "DA WALL GET ME MOMMA!" She has outgrown indiscriminate scowling and volatile anger accompanying boo boos, but she has not outgrown the immediate distrust of someone who has dared harm her.
i need to help her in this area, so I am blogging mostly to be able to help myself with ideas for her continued growth. I am hoping to be able to teach her that forgiveness is not a feeling that she will carry around magically. Forgiveness is an act of faith that shows our trust in God's ability to heal us, it is not something we can make happen on our own. We forgive those who have hurt us as we place them back into our prayer-life by seeking God for their well-being and we forgive them as we consciously shove them back into the compassionate side of our brain when we'd rather lash out again. God has given me plenty of opportunity to practice this for myself.
My mission is to figure out how I can break this down into a 6 year old level. I will encourage her to pray for him and I will encourage her to think about how things might be hard for him. I will encourage her to give him a chance to be close to her so God can bring the ultimate healing where forgiveness no longer has to be a conscious choice for her, but it can be a given in Tyke and Liv's relationship. I pray God helps me in this. If you have any ideas for how I can teach my lovely Liv I would love to hear them.
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