Breaking...

My heart is breaking right now.  Our boys were court ordered to go and live with family. They leave tomorrow. I think the boys will be happy initially, but from what I understand they are being split up.  Frank and Middle are headed to one home and Little is being sent somewhere else.
I can't help but think of how emotional LIttle was when the boys first started school.  He walked around crying for them and was distressed all day.  He has figured out they come home and he does better now.  How will he do when he learns they aren't coming?
How will my heart do when I don't get to see their shy happy smiles when I tuck them in and kiss them?  In this short amount of time they have already learned about prayer.  Middle says, "Don't forget to pray for me too!"  Little likes to fold his hands at the dinner table and I saw him do it at church on Sunday too.  He knew we were all praying and wanted to join in.
  How will my chest feel without Little's head resting on it for rocking time.  It's his favorite phrase.  "I wanna wock pwease."
I knew this wouldn't be easy and it is not.  I trust in the Lord.  I trust in his will, but I do not want to foster.  I want to be a forever momma.  I don't know if that makes me bad.  Does that make me bad?  It hurts to let go but I will.  They are not my kids.  They are HIS and I do trust my Jesus.