A Visit and a Revelation

Yes, there was a visit today. I did not want that to happen, but the boys are doing fine, so I am fine.  Tot decided he would test my authority very quickly upon his return.  I tried to reason with him.  He was not feeling reasonable, so I scooped him up and put him in his room until lunch was ready.   He screamed in there for a good long while.  Until he heard me mention (rather loudly) to his brother that I hoped Tot could stop screaming soon, so I could bring him down for lunch.  The room got quiet rather quickly.

Baby also decided he would follow me around screaming.  This is Baby's new thing when I cook.  He follows me around crying trying to get picked up.  He is growing into his brothers' screams.  They are loud and piercing and peace-rattling.  I tried to redirect, to talk to him, to tell him, "no," but he just kept on, so I scooped him up and let him scream in his crib until lunch was ready. I sang loudly to myself over the 2 screamers, "IT IS WELL, IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL!"

 I am still praying for God to move in this situation, but I am at peace.  I pray daily for God's will to be done here and I believe it will be.  I have always believed God's will would be done, I just wasn't sure if his will and mine matched up.  A lot of my strong feelings have come from the fears of my own pain.  I am afraid of how much it will hurt to lose them.  I am afraid of what their life will be like.  I am afraid, that God's will could cause me loss and pain and grief.  God is teaching me what truly accepting his will should look like.

 I expect my children to trust my wisdom.  When I tell them it is time for bed I expect them to go to bed without attitude.  As the authority figure, I am worthy of their respect and compliance.  I absolutely think it is ridiculous for Liv to cry and pout and feel unloved and unwanted because I am doing what is best for her.  I know she needs sleep.  I know her day and her life will be better if she is well rested.  Discipline often follows failing to obey with a good attitude.  Even though I expect my children to obey me and trust me and choose joy over throwing a fit, I have been reserving my right to throw a fit if God decides to take my babies.  I have just been harboring a resolve not to be okay if they leave.

I would NEVER allow my children to behave this way!  My Heavenly Father is so much more patient than I.  I can't believe he puts up with me sometimes.  Today I am resolving to mold myself to His will.  I am going to keep praying for the boys well-being and for the Lord's will to be done.  I am dumping my right to be too damaged for His further use. 

I pray Lord, use me how you would use me.  If I get to be a forever-Mom to these boys, that sounds like a great plan to me, but more than anything I want your will.  You see the whole story and I only see my right-nows.  If you have an alternative plan for how I will serve your kingdom let me be willing and open to that.  Just as I expect my children to trust me and obey me without fight, I pray that you will help me to develop the same childlike trust and obedience for your authority in my life.  Amen.