I feel like a failure right now. I had to call the caseworker and ask her to remove Tyke today. She told me that this means most likely all 3 will be removed. I told her I knew that, but it makes me very sad. I don't want that at all, I don't even want Tyke to leave. I wanted to be able to help him through his fear and anger, but the level of violence and anger in the home is just more than I can handle any longer. Every suggestion from DCS for discipline involves me turning my back on the others and giving the offender ALL of my attention and I cannot turn my back on 4 other children all the time. It is creating an atmosphere of chaos.
Tot's behaviors have gotten worse as Tyke has taken more and more of the attention from him. He is screaming more, hitting more, kicking more, and crying all the time unless I am holding his hand. Tot's desires are simple. He wants to play with toys, dance in the kitchen, and be by my side as much as possible, but I can't give him these simple things with all the drama going on.
Tyke never got to be the baby. He desperately needs to be somebody's cherished baby. All of his best behaviors have happened when no one else is around to "compete" with and all the worst have happened when he wants attention. Tyke was not even a month old when Tot was conceived. Add to that all of the abuse and he is one very angry and overlooked boy. Now the same behaviors are coming from Tot because he too has to be set aside all of the time to deal with Tyke's outbursts. I am worried for Baby as well. I have to put him down over and over and over to deal with acting out from both Tyke and Tot. This is at a time in his life when he is learning to trust and learning that his needs will be met. I fear he is next in line to be angry. My lap is not big enough for 3 boys that need it so much and I only have 2 arms.
I am praying for the Lord's will. He alone knows if it is best for these boys to be together or separate. I expect all 3 will be leaving me by Monday and I am broken because of the loss. These boys need better than me I guess. I hope the Lord can find that for them. I am trusting the Lord here because its all I have. I am not the best home for Tyke and I am so disappointed in myself right now.
I am so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to make this decision. I believe that God will do what is best for these children, whether that is separating or staying together. :( Don't be so hard on yourself - it is so difficult with so little children so close together; even without the trauma and behavior issues it would be difficult!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support. Right now I am wishing I never called, but you are right. Three perfectly normal and healthy toddlers would not be an easy placement and I need to remember that.
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