A New Tactic

Attention seeking behaviors.  Yes, we get them.  Tyke's newest behavior is saying he is being hurt.  No, he is NOT being hurt, but he accuses.  He accuses his bio-Mom at visits and he has begun accusing me. It all started at doctor visits.  He was crazy bouncing off the walls at the last 2 visits.  I picked him up and put him in timeout in full view of the doctor and nurse.  He cried, "You hurting me!"  The doctor just grinned and rolled his eyes and took no notice of his antics.  Tyke did not get the traditional after shots ice cream treat because of his behavior.  The others did.

Tyke decided he should give it another go.  We were at a soccer game and little man just could not hold still.  At certain times he tumbles and thumps and bumps himself all over the place when he is unhappy with the excitement level or when he is nervous.  There have been numerous times where the tumbling lands him on someone else or actually in the soccer field.  I give 2 warnings, which I think is incredibly generous.  Then he has to come and sit right beside me.  His next move is that he just CANNOT hold still.  He must move, turn, stand, lay down, anything to buck control.  When simply sitting doesn't work for him I have to hold him.  Wrapped in my arms forcing him to be still so he does not get hurt or hurt others with his constant flipping and banging. 

This week he decided to  bring things to a whole new level.  When I sat him beside me he started the twist.  I held his hand as a reminder and he started yanking his arm and twisting it until it looked like a tug of war saying, "Ouch!  You're hurting me!"  I leaned over to whisper in his ear to settle down, and he screamed, "DON'T BITE ME!"  I spoke loud enough for those sitting nearby to hear.  "You are NOT being hurt, you don't like sitting still."  Finally, he had to be taken in my lap.  At this point, he twisted and moaned, "You hurt me, you hurt me!"  Ohhhhh, I know Jesus still has a big job to get done with me because I wanted to "give him something to cry about," as my mother would say.

 I told him if he did not stop he was going to the car.  No, he did not stop.  I ended up packing him into the baby stroller and leaving the others with Ryan.  He screamed the whole long trek to the van, "I NOT A BABY!" i think nearly 100 people got to enjoy his little show. I got him into the van and he was screaming and fighting me the whole time.  I put him in his car seat and turned on the van for air.  I sat outside while he howled.  I was thinking it might be a good time to just throw in the towel.

The whole incident was embarrassing and I felt like I had to defend myself and my actions because of a 3 year old tyrant.  When we got home he spent the rest of the evening in his room.  Every chance I got to do something fun with all of the children I made sure Tyke missed out.  I made sure we did things extra fun and unusual.  I spoke calmly and said, "I do not want to do things with someone who says I hurt them.  You are not telling the truth." After 2 days Tyke started saying, "Can I come with you, I not say you hurt me."  I hate how that sounds.  It feels like I manipulated him rather than taught him to submit peacefully to authority. 

Today, Tyke was upset about not being able to have snack on his schedule, he started to get in my face so I moved him away (It freaks me out to have someone yelling so close to my face their spit is hitting me).  He fell dramatically to the floor and said, "OW!"  I just looked at him and raised my eyebrow.  Little man jumped up so fast and smiled and said, "I not say Ow.  You don't hurt me.  I not say that." 

And now for the fun part, Tot began saying today, "Ow!  Don't hurt me!"  He was playing on the OTHER side of the room.  This is a dangerous attention-getting behavior for any foster parent.  I immediately scooped him up and took him to his room.  The problem is Tot does not have the understanding that Tyke does.  Can Tot understand that he is lying?  Can he understand what a lie is?  I was at a loss.  I did not know how to teach this to a 2 year old.  I said, "You don't lie."  Tot said, "I lie."  I said, "Mommy Mandy doesn't hurt you."  He said, "Mommy doesn't hurt me."  I said, "Do I hurt you?"  He said, "You hurt me."  In frustration I finally exclaimed, "You DO NOT say I hurt you or I will put you in time out.  Tot said, "You don't hurt me." 

I had no idea if Tot even had a clue because his brain basically shuts down and he becomes a parrot whenever there is conflict.  He was tumbling around while playing and bumped into Baby.  He said, "You don't hurt me Mom."  Okay?

My problem is I want the boys to tell me if someone is hurting them.  I want them to be empowered that way, but I am having trouble figuring out how to help them distinguish between truth and lies. As far as Tyke goes, if I know he is lying about me then I don't know who else he could lie about.  That makes it hard to protect him.  It is a huge job to help such little boys understand that memories and present day are separate.  He had his birthday weeks ago and when he gets excited about his birthday he sounds like today is his birthday all over again.

I guess I will miss more soccer games if we have to, but we will still try to go and cheer for Cy and Liv.  I am reminding myself if I don't give them an opportunity to fail I am not giving them an opportunity to get it right either. Still... It's embarrassing and potentially devastating for them and for us if they were to be removed due to this new game.

I can hang in there.  I can fight these battles with and for the boys, but this is yet another reason why I don't ever see myself fostering again.  These hurting children want control.  Even as toddlers my boys are master manipulators.  They push all the buttons to see what will happen.  I let the boys see my heightened reaction at being wrongfully accused and it became a new tactic in thier arsenal.  I am just glad they are so little because I can give a simple time-out for the accusations.  What would I do if they were 14?

I am praying for them and I am praying for this case to move to termination quickly.  What they need beyond everything else is stability.  Visits, even the ones that go well, destabilize them.  They need to know they are safe forever, not just for today.