3 Bad Guys

I wish they were ours.  I wish there was no question about their future.  Even if they cannot be ours I wish that they could NEVER face the return to the abuse they have left.

I got a visit from the advocate Friday.  He told me they were planning on filing for TPR in October.  I know I should be all excited, but instead I just felt nauseous and agitated.  When there are no caseworker visits, no advocate visits, no bio-parent visits I can almost forget they are in limbo.  I just hate being reminded that their entire future hangs in the balance. 

I saw a movie today, and in it, were 3 young men, all portrayed as thugs.  I felt for a moment that these characters could be my boys if they had continued to be raised in the gross abuse they had been suffering.  These characters in the movie were without charity, without remorse, and without conscience.

This part is new for me.  Seeing a "bad guy" on a movie and knowing that life made him that way.  That someone did not love him enough and protect him enough.  I know the producers are not intending that I look so deeply, but I cannot help it.

My insides are a mess right now.  I want to know they are safe!  I want to know they will not be tortured again!  It is NOT FAIR that we still sit here and wonder if we have enough evidence.  It is NOT FAIR that I have to send them on visits with their abuser.

I found out that the visit supervisor is writing about how well bio-Mom is doing at the visits because the boys' behavior is so much better.  Their behavior is better, because God is transforming them.  We sat in therapy and Tyke poured out his fear of visiting with Bio-Mom, while we comforted him that he was safe at visits because the visit supervisor is there. The therapist is a Christian and once she learned I was praying with Tyke and Tot and telling them that God was big and strong and he could keep them safe she started reminding them of this as well.

The therapist has been listening and helping him with this fear for a month now.  Ahhhhh!  I am just so tired of this whole thing.  Bio-Mom should NOT get them back.  Everyone involved should know what she has done so everyone involved will stop working towards their reunification.  The caseworker knows, the advocate knows, the therapists know, the doctors know, and I know, but we don't tell the visit supervisor because why???  We don't bring it before the judge because why??? 

I am sorry, but if I could just come right out and lay it all out here I would, but I can't.  So today I am just upset because I saw 3 bad guys on a movie.  Whatever. 

God,
  Please set these boys free.  I can't secure their future, but I know you can.  Lord, please cause this situation to move in a way that I will no longer have to fear that Baby is the next in line to be tortured.  God, you are bigger than my fears, and you are bigger than DC$ and bigger than that family.  I know you allow some kids to go back, but I am begging you, please don't let these boys go back.  Please...  Amen.