I feel like I haven't rested. For the last 2 nights I have had dreams where I am trying to get things done and I just can't. In one dream I remember feeling a sense of satisfaction that I actually completed one of my tasks. My own face appeared in the corner of my dream and said roughly, "Yes, but what are you going to do about your complete inability to maintain your home." That wasn't very nice of me to say. I think my subconscious needs to give me a break.
I have been trying to keep lists lately. I decided I will not go out and get a job, so I make a list of all I need to get done everyday. I am treating my family and home as my job and trying to get serious about doing it the best I can. I will admit once I begin the list it becomes very important to me to check it all off. I have been feeling frustrated. I actually get everything done on my list and look around at the end of the day and I have more jobs left to do because 5 children cause so much disarray. I knew I was irritated about it, but I think it is really silly for me to be irritated at me.
I spoke with my MIL this weekend. I really love her and we have a good relationship, but she informed me that she thought it would be best that we only adopt one of these boys. It felt like a punch in the heart. Which one? She has the personality where she worries that things will go wrong. She is glass half-empty and I am glass half-full. I told her that at this point in the process we have absolutely no say about whether they will go home or if they will become adoptable. I also told her that the caseworker would not want to split the boys up. I don't want to split them up! I didn't say that part. I should have. I am one of those people that has my greatest comebacks about 3 hours after the incident. I did not say much, but I felt hurt even if she did not mean to hurt me.
They aren't puppies for crying out loud! They have a dynamic with us and with each other. It has been a part of their healing. Once again I am back to this place. I don't know what the Lord has in mind for these boys. I know what I think he will do, but I do not know for sure. I cannot be any part in causing anymore ripping and loss in these boys lives and hearts. God, knows this about me. I pray he will do his will in the boys' lives and I will go along with whatever he chooses whether it means joy or pain.
The quiet whisper in the back of my heart is maybe she just doesn't want to explain her differently colored grandchildren. She has always been sweet and supportive to them, and I imagine she always will be, but the area they live in is not diverse at all. We had talked about possibly moving back that direction someday, but diversity will be a huge consideration for me. I need a place where all of my children will feel a sense of belonging. Right now we are in that place. I am digging in my heels until this process completes itself one way or the other.
I talked all of this over with Ryan and he and I are of the same mind. To the best of our ability we will not cause further loss to the boys. We hope and pray that all family members will be accepting (so far they have shown that), but if any family member becomes a anchor on our children's ability to thrive they will be cut out. Seems harsh when I type it out that way, but it is the truth. Ryan and I don't take this stuff lightly.
Speaking of taking things lightly... A woman at the soccer field was very curious about my boys and asking uncomfortably nosy questions. I tried to answer very quickly and simply and end the conversation, but throughout the game she kept initiating conversation again. She asked me about my daughter's nickname after she heard me cheer for her that way. I smiled and said, Liv has the most names of anyone in the house. She replied, "Oh my boy does too! I can't say em' here though. He's half black so we call 'im n__ and n___jagger." I was shocked. My mouth literally dropped open. She calls her son the "n" word and allows others to do it as a NICKNAME?! I guess I was supposed to take that lightly?
Some people are so ignorant and they shine it like a badge for all the world to see. I am going to try and spot her before games from now on and sit on the opposite half of the field. As I said earlier, I just don't have comebacks for people. I don't think that quickly when I am reeling. I feel so sorry for her boy...
No comments:
Post a Comment